Exclusive but not official..it's been almost four months in

[lalani0818]

I've been dating this guy for 4 months now. We are not official, and when I bring it up he says we are still getting to know each other and he's not ready for that yet. It frustrates the hell out of me because I feel like by now shouldn't you know? He claims we are exclusive and he's not seeing other people. I don't understand this concept.. we are exclusive but you don't want to call me your girlfriend and you've been seeing me for 4 months (couple times a week usually), you have sex with me, and we go on dates. It just feels sketchy to me. He says he likes me and sees it going somewhere, but then why is does he want to make himself seem so available? I don't feel stability and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm in a rut because he claims he's just seeing me so I feel like I should just see him, but he's not giving me a real sign of progress and I feel like I'm putting all my eggs in one basket for no real reason. I have guys that have tried talking to me and dating me and I feel guilty so I avoid it. But at this point wouldn't anyone in my situation be frustrated? I was feeling really down about the situation a few days ago and went to a good guy friend and he was just helping me feel better...we ended up kissing. I'm not into this friend but I was just so frustrated and insecure I guess I let him kiss me. Is this something I should tell this guy I'm seeing or is it not really his business considering how things are going?

[candie13]

Stop being so available. Pull away. Reduce dates to one per week. Go out with your gfs and meet people in real life. Have fun. If You meet someone who catches your eyes, you can always retract the exclusivity detail.

 

Thing is... You can't make him want to be your bf. But you can find other men who might.

[adarna]

I feel for you. I'm going through the same thing right now. It has been more than 6 months for me and trust me, it's not going to change unless HE wants to. You're only going to get even more frustrated and it's going to push him away and you're going to wish you had walked away earlier. Your needs aren't being met and although he likes you (maybe even loves you) and cares about you, he doesn't enough or isn't in the right place to meet those needs.

 

I would detach myself. It hurts and it's difficult but it's worth it for your heart and sanity. You've told him how you felt and he's not doing anything about it. He's not going to unless he knows he's going to lose you. If he steps it up, great. If not, then he doesn't deserve you.

[EatYourVeggies]

I'm totally confused. I thought being exclusive was the end game when dating someone.

 

What in the hell does official mean? Does this involve clicking some buttons or posting pictures on a website? Too many labels / hoops to jump through if you ask me.

 

Perhaps some perspective might help. Go browse through the break up forum. Many of those people had labels that they thought mattered. This is till the other person one day up and decided they didn't. Which you have no control over nor does a label stop or prevent.

 

If he is a great guy, you're having fun, he asking you out all the time, both in agreement you do not want to see other people, I would call that a victory and enjoy the ride.

[Kuchi2]

I say pull back and tell him you rather casually date him, while dating others, and obviously he'll be entitled to do the same. He isn't one for the long run. I was dating a guy one time, and I kept hinting that I wanted to make it official with him, but he wasn't "there yet". I kept saying I wanted more of us, etc etc. That went on for 3 months, until he ghosted me. Then about a month later, I met another guy, who after the SECOND date, asked me to be official. Now I was like wtf and dragged it on for about a month so we can get to know each other more, then agreed to being official. Long story short, a guy knows when he wants to pursue and want to be with a girl. It's not "I'm not ready" "Not yet" "We are still getting to know each other". Those are signs/excuses for the guy who's keeping you now incase he doesn't find that person he wants to lock down with. For all you know, he's probably still entertaining other chicks.

 

Don't waste your time. If you are ready for a committed relationship, find a partner who is in the same point in life, and not one that wants a relationship, but not make it official.

[venusishername]

Then about a month later, I met another guy, who after the SECOND date, asked me to be official. Now I was like wtf and dragged it on for about a month so we can get to know each other more, then agreed to being official. Long story short, a guy knows when he wants to pursue and want to be with a girl. It's not "I'm not ready" "Not yet" "We are still getting to know each other". Those are signs/excuses for the guy who's keeping you now incase he doesn't find that person he wants to lock down with. For all you know, he's probably still entertaining other chicks.

 

Don't waste your time. If you are ready for a committed relationship, find a partner who is in the same point in life, and not one that wants a relationship, but not make it official.

 

I completely agree, don't waste your time. If he's not eager to put a title or establish that you are 'official' (whatever that means), keep your options open. Pull back and do not make yourself so accessible to him.

I don't understand the difference between exclusive, official, and boyfriend. To me, there is none.

 

 

The difference between someone who wants to be in a relationship with you, exclusively and officially, is someone who isn't on the fence or 'not ready' for it. My boyfriends past (including my current one) asked me to be their girlfriend very quickly. My current boyfriend asked me after less than 24 hours. He introduces me as his girlfriend and talks about me to other people as his girlfriend. The people that really wanted a relationship with me, have said that they don't want me to date anyone else, they don't want to date anyone else, they clearly established that we were a couple. There was no doubt, like you are having with your guy. Saying 'I'm not ready' is a cop out... he's keeping his options open.

 

The best advice I can give you is to establish your boundary with him, because you are not doing so now, and as you see he has become comfortable with the way things are. IF he were to get off the fence and move forward, this is the only way that would happen.

Here's an example. When I met my last boyfriend, we dated briefly but he pulled back and said he wasn't sure about continuing on, and he had met someone before me and wanted to pursue that, but he wanted to stay friends and still get to know each other. Basically, he was putting me on the back burner because he was torn about his feelings for me (I didn't see that at the time, but I do now). Anyway, having only dated for a couple weeks, there was no investment on my part. So I respected his decision and we did still keep in touch, but he made all the moves and pursued the 'friendship' with me. I kind of just sat back and let him come to me. Soon he was falling all over himself and I think he fell for me during those months that I held back emotionally/physically with him. Soon he was constantly contacting me, pouring out his feelings in long emails, leaving flowers at my door, soon getting jealous to hear that I was seeing someone else. One night he drove me home and there was so much tension between us, he was clearly into me and we liked each other... I told him "What do you want from me?! I can't do this anymore. If you want to be friends, I'm sorry, I want more than that." He freaked. The next week, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He said "I don't want you to be with anyone else, and I don't want anyone else. I want us to be together as a couple and I want you to be my girlfriend." Clear as day.

 

My current boyfriend met me on a Saturday night, picked me up the next day for our first date, and by the end of the day he was head over heels and asked me to be his girlfriend. He said he could tell that I was special, that's why he asked so soon.

 

So, my dear... if a guy is on the fence, and you feel it's not enough for you... you have to take a long hard look at what exactly he is offering you. Your guy is offering a casual, noncommittal sexual partnership. I have a feeling that's not what you want. You need to not only TELL him what you are looking for, but FOLLOW THROUGH ON YOUR WORD. This means... NOT continuing the way it has been. If you want something different, you have to change what you've been doing, because as you can see it's not getting you what you want. The best way I can put it is: he treats it as casual, YOU treat it as casual. That means you don't really see him that much, you're not available so much, you don't sleep with him, you're just 'friends', you're not emotionally involved with him. Stay true to yourself.

Good luck.

[smackie9]

Good lord you guys why are you investing 4-6 months in a guy that is emotionally unavailable. You don't sit around and "wait", you dump them after a couple of weeks because your expectations are not being fulfilled. Kick him to the curb!!

[adarna]

Good lord you guys why are you investing 4-6 months in a guy that is emotionally unavailable. You don't sit around and "wait", you dump them after a couple of weeks because your expectations are not being fulfilled. Kick him to the curb!!

 

Well sometimes you don't really realize your expectations until a few months have passed by. A couple weeks is WAY too soon for me to know I want an actual relationship with someone or what my expectations are of them. No need to be so condescending. Everyone's story is different.

 

In my case, I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met him. All that mattered was that we cared about each other, weren't seeing anyone else and that the possibility of a relationship was there. We we're building the foundation of friendship before a relationship. When I realized I wanted an official relationship with him, I wasn't in a hurry and it didn't bother me as much as it does now. Add to that that my best relationships and ones that didn't end badly were the ones where we took it super slow and truly got to know one another.

 

Have you made a decision, OP? As for the exclusive vs official, have you met his family and friends? Are you integrated into his life outside of one-on-one dates? Because that's what being official would entail. The difference is there are far more responsibilities and implications for him to call you his GF than if you were just exclusive and getting to know each other.

 

Im also going to play devil's advocate and ask if there's anything in his life that is preventing him, even if he "should know" by now. Does he have children? How are his finances? Is he divorced? Recent break up? Not that it changes the outcome any, but could be an explanation that might help you.

 

Bottom line: you are not happy. You're ready and he is not. Save yourself the heartache and frustration. The kiss was kind of technically cheating and personally I think you should tell him. Wouldn't you want to know if he was kissing someone else? Also might be the kick in the pants he needs to realize the possibility of losing you is very, very real.

[adarna]

Btw, you said you only see each other a couple times a week usually. What else is he doing with his time? Is that enough for you? If he makes things official, that usually means he'd be commiting more time to you too and maybe he can't or doesn't want to right now.

 

Also, ask yourself WHY you want to be official with someone who isn't "all in" with you (and only sees you a couple times a week, if that's not enough for you). His actions say more than the label itself.

[PogoStick]

Best to just end this relationship. 4 months should be enough time! At this point, you shouldn't accept even if he says he is ready to be "official" because I don't think it will end well for you.

[Mjm1014]

Be careful with this. I was in the same situation a year ago. We "dated" for around 5 months, but despite acting like a couple, she wouldn't make it official with me. It seemed like the more I brought the subject up, or the more annoyed I acted about the situation, the more she pulled away until she basically told me one day that it wasn't going to work.

 

I was in the same boat, people wanted to go out with me, but I felt guilty. I lost all kind of opportunities while seeing this girl, and I look back and regret things. My advice would be, don't wait around for him. Give him a week to make it official or walk. No sex until he decides what he wants. That could be what he's after.

 

Lastly, I'll put one thing in perspective. My parents have been happily married for +30years..they got married 6 months into a relationship. You're at 4 months and aren't even official. Not saying to go get married that fast, but there's a huge difference in the type of "relationship" you're in. Find someone that will respect you and wants to be with you. I know if I'm super into a girl and she wants to be official-there's no way I would say no unless I'm not into her or am into someone else. Respect yourself and ditch him if he doesn't get serious this week-sounds like trouble.

[angel.eyes]

OP, if your needs aren't being met in the arrangement, it's up to you to move on.

 

My experience is similar to the other poster's. Usually within 3-4 dates, the guy asks me to be his girlfriend. Personally, I would never sit around for 4+ months hoping that he might think I'm good enough to be his girlfriend. His actions are telling you that he's ambivalent at best. In other words, he thinks he can do a lot better. But he hasn't met anyone better yet, so he keeps holding out and stringing you along.

 

Please go find someone who thinks you're the cat's meow. Stop torturing yourself.

[katiegrl]

I'm totally confused. I thought being exclusive was the end game when dating someone.

 

What in the hell does official mean? Does this involve clicking some buttons or posting pictures on a website? Too many labels / hoops to jump through if you ask me.

 

Perhaps some perspective might help. Go browse through the break up forum. Many of those people had labels that they thought mattered. This is till the other person one day up and decided they didn't. Which you have no control over nor does a label stop or prevent.

 

If he is a great guy, you're having fun, he asking you out all the time, both in agreement you do not want to see other people, I would call that a victory and enjoy the ride.

 

EYV .......I have been reading your posts since you joined and I swear, you sound like the male version of ME!

 

It's uncanny!

 

Needless to say, 100% agree with you here.

 

For anyone into *labels* ....the third paragraph above is right on the money!

 

OP, if he is consistently dating you, honest, respectful, doesn't wish to date others, and you're having fun, ditch the damn label, and enjoy the process! Gradually, naturally.

 

If you stopped bugging him about it, maybe he *would* want to kick it up a notch ...on his own!

 

Relax. Enjoy. Stop pushing!

Edited February 28, 2016 by katiegrl

[elaine567]

Nothing actually changes when you are "in a relationship", your feet do not turn green nor do you get an indelible tattoo advertising the fact, so all this "Oh I am not ready" and "We are still getting to know one another" is all about keeping eyes open for another better opportunity and nothing else.

It is also an excuse to answer the question "Do you have a gf/bf?" with a NO and not have to lie.

[Lady2163]

So, I had some bad relationships after my divorce 20 years ago.

 

One of them was a "secret" relationship with a single man. It was also a "secret" friendship and he would often trash me to others without telling me this was going to happen, but it was a way to keep people off the trail. Over and over he kept saying how he wanted to keep his private life, private. He loved the idea that no one knew and felt he was really pulling one over on everyone.

 

And he insisted on exclusivity.

 

Yeah, I was a moron. Grieving the loss of a parent and the loss of marriage.

 

Turns out, everything was so secret because he was trying with all his might to get his ex-girlfriend back. He cancel on me with some emergency, but it was just because she was throwing him breadcrumbs.

 

So, I don't do the "secret" thing - with single men anymore. I'd be discreet if the divorce wasn't final, but my discretion wouldn't last more than six months after the papers were signed.

 

You've kind of slighted yourself. I don't do monogamy, without a commitment. Period. End of story. And I've told men that. It is a bit of game playing, because I'm a touch lazy. If I'm satisfied in the bedroom and he isn't using me to make his life easier (asking me to run errands, do chores for him etc.) I'm probably not looking.

 

So, I would tell him: I don't want to be exclusive without a commitment. If you're not ready, that's fine for now. But I'm going to date.

 

Just be prepared for the best and worst case scenario.

[katiegrl]

Nothing actually changes when you are "in a relationship", your feet do not turn green nor do you get an indelible tattoo advertising the fact, so all this "Oh I am not ready" and "We are still getting to know one another" is all about keeping eyes open for another better opportunity and nothing else.

It is also an excuse to answer the question "Do you have a gf/bf?" with a NO and not have to lie.

 

Well they are exclusively dating, so not sure what OP is wanting exactly.

 

As you said defining it as a *relationship* does not change anything, does not change the fact he is consistent, honest, respectful and dating her exclusively, does it?

 

And even if he did agree to *officially* define it, what does that mean?

 

He could still meet another woman he likes better at any time and leave. As EYV said, go read the break-up threads. People end *relationships* all the time. They fade, ghost, break up via text, etc.

 

Putting a title on it doesn't mean jack shyt in my book....never has. I hate titles, I hate discussing it, words mean nothing unless backed by actions, so would much rather pay attention to actions and go by that.

 

I have always found when I relax, don't push, and allow things to unfold gradually and naturally, I end up getting MORE from him in the long term anyway.

 

Plus, if the man I was dating was so insecure and did not trust the connection we had and was constantly badgering me to make it *official* I would find that so annoying that I would refuse just based on the fact he was bugging me about it! Arghh.

 

Leave the guy alone and enjoy what you have, what he gives you, it's only been four months for heaven's sake, relax!

 

Rant over....

Edited February 28, 2016 by katiegrl

[KatZee]

You're a placeholder, not "the game changer."

 

He gives you just enough to keep you around, you give him your 100%.

 

I hope you see that this set up is in HIS interest, and is all about HIM and not you.

 

He hasn't made it official, because he has no reason to make it official. He has no desire to make you official. You're good for right now, and when he finds the game changer, you're history.

 

Don't hang around hoping one day he's going to lock it down. He won't.

 

It's really obvious when you're a place holder. He's not making you a priority, he's not giving you that relationship status, hems and haws and gives excuses such as: I'm not ready, I still need time to..., it's all excuses. These people out themselves very early on. Don't ever waste months on someone stringing you along. The second you see it, bounce.

 

Without a doubt, no one needs FOUR MONTHS to decide whether they want you to be their girlfriend. At that point, he's reaping benefits while giving little to nothing back in return. No, do not nag him. Don't ask where you stand. Ask yourself, does this dude make me feel: insecure, uncertain, confused? If you answered yes, it's time to leave, he's showing you you're the placeholder.

Edited February 28, 2016 by KatZee

[katiegrl]

OP, true story:

 

One of my bffs and her now-fiance did not make their *relationship* official for eight months.

 

Although they were exclusive, saw and talked to each other consistently ....had fun, treated each other with respect and honesty, she STILL felt insecure and was constantly on him to make it *official*.

 

Her bf is my friend as well (via my ex), and he would express frustration to me questioning why she felt so damn insecure, when everything was great, he treated her well and did in fact love her.

 

But since she was so insecure, apparently needing some sort of arbitrary *title*, it caused him to have second thoughts.

 

By constantly badgering him about it, she was pushing him away, and actually preventing him from wanting to move closer ....the very thing she was wanting!

 

I told her to lay off and relax. To stop asking him about it, and simply enjoy what they had, and let it unfold gradually and naturally. To stop pushing! And have faith and trust in their connection....and let his actions be her guide.

 

It was hard, but she followed my advice.

 

Three months later he told her he was in love with her, and they moved in together within the year.

 

One year later they are now engaged and getting married in July.

 

Things are not always what they appear to be.

Edited February 28, 2016 by katiegrl

[adarna]

It is also an excuse to answer the question "Do you have a gf/bf?" with a NO and not have to lie.

 

This is so on point. If you think about it, it's also a really crappy way to treat someone you supposedly care about and are already reaping the benefits of a relationship from. Yet, in his world, he is still single. That hurts.

[adarna]

OP, true story:

 

One of my bffs and her now-fiance did not make their *relationship* official for eight months.

 

Although they were exclusive, saw and talked to each other consistently ....had fun, treated each other with respect and honesty, she STILL felt insecure and was constantly on him to make it *official*.

 

Her bf is my friend as well (via my ex), and he would express frustration to me questioning why she felt so damn insecure, when everything was great, he treated her well and did in fact love her.

 

But since she was so insecure, apparently needing some sort of arbitrary *title*, it caused him to have second thoughts.

 

By constantly badgering him about it, she was pushing him away, and actually preventing him from wanting to move closer ....the very thing she was wanting!

 

I told her to lay off and relax. To stop asking him about it, and simply enjoy what they had, and let it unfold gradually and naturally. To stop pushing! And have faith and trust in their connection....and let his actions be her guide.

 

It was hard, but she followed my advice.

 

Three months later he told her he was in love with her, and they moved in together within the year.

 

One year later they are now engaged and getting married in July.

 

Things are not always what they appear to be.

 

I like this story! Very, very true with many men I know and those I've dated. The more you bring it up, the more it pushes them away and makes them reconsider, even if they love you and think you are gf/wife material anyway.

 

Like Katie told her friend, my suggestion, if you want to stay with him and wait (and only you know if you can do this and what your limits are), is to take the focus off of the relationship. It'll be hard, but you've already addressed your concerns so there's not a lot else you can do other than walk away. Sit, observe, then make a decision.

 

Keep us updated and best of luck!

[Emilia]

There is no way I'd put up with purposefully being kept in limbo for months. I know within a month - sometimes sooner - whether it's going anywhere and I'd leave if I were in your shoes OP. A man who is capable of responsibility and decision knows what he wants within weeks. I think it's cruel not telling a woman where she stands black and white. Sure as hell I wouldn't marry someone like that either, I can't imagine a guy who is happy to keep things vague on purpose would make a good husband.

 

I'd say OP you want different things, 4 months are long enough. Let him deal with the consequences.

[Emilia]

Well they are exclusively dating, so not sure what OP is wanting exactly.

 

As you said defining it as a *relationship* does not change anything, does not change the fact he is consistent, honest, respectful and dating her exclusively, does it?

 

And even if he did agree to *officially* define it, what does that mean?

 

He could still meet another woman he likes better at any time and leave. As EYV said, go read the break-up threads. People end *relationships* all the time. They fade, ghost, break up via text, etc.

 

Putting a title on it doesn't mean jack shyt in my book....never has. I hate titles, I hate discussing it, words mean nothing unless backed by actions, so would much rather pay attention to actions and go by that.

 

I have always found when I relax, don't push, and allow things to unfold gradually and naturally, I end up getting MORE from him in the long term anyway.

 

Plus, if the man I was dating was so insecure and did not trust the connection we had and was constantly badgering me to make it *official* I would find that so annoying that I would refuse just based on the fact he was bugging me about it! Arghh.

 

Leave the guy alone and enjoy what you have, what he gives you, it's only been four months for heaven's sake, relax!

 

Rant over....

 

While it's true that people leave all the time regardless of label, if someone is not even prepared to have a label it shows that he isn't even considering sticking around.

[katiegrl]

While it's true that people leave all the time regardless of label, if someone is not even prepared to have a label it shows that he isn't even considering sticking around.

 

I actually disagree... I actually hate "labels" myself (don't see the need for them)....and in my LTRs I had every intention and desire of sticking around.... and did! For years.

 

Even got engaged to my last BF but ended it after six years after he got heavily involved in drugs.

 

We never had "the talk" of officially defined our RL.... no need, we both just knew what we had and had faith and trust in our strong connection...that was ALL we needed.

 

I believe we started referring to each other as GF/BF after around 2 months together -- no talk, it just happened, naturally.

 

To each his own though.

[Gaeta]

I actually disagree... I actually hate "labels" myself (don't see the need for them)....and in my LTRs I had every intention and desire of sticking around.... and did! For years.

 

When you get back into dating I will have my face glued to my computer screen to not miss one thing

 

It's a wild wild world out there now. If you don't confirm what you are you will end up sticking around a man that never meant to be sticking around you.

[katiegrl]

When you get back into dating I will have my face glued to my computer screen to not miss one thing

 

It's a wild wild world out there now. If you don't confirm what you are you will end up sticking around a man that never meant to be sticking around you.

 

I am sure you will!

 

But actually I am not a big "dater" per se. My usual MO is to meet a bunch of guys and when I feel that special "click" with one of them, it's always been mutual...and from there we start seeing each other....focusing on only each other....to see where it will lead.

 

In most cases, it lead to LTR. However there were those guys I had a few dates with and realized, for whatever reason, they weren't for me.

 

I dunno Gaeta, I try not to stress about this stuff. When I click with a man.... I try to simply enjoy it for what it is.....not where it's going.

 

Frankly during those first few weeks, I am not even concerned with where it's going and I am being very honest about that.

 

All I care about is that we click, have a great connection, are focused on each other and enjoy each other. That he's honest, consistent and into me.

 

In the past, and again being very honest, it never occurred to me what he did when not with me, it didn't matter to me one bit.

 

We had a great connection, were having a great time.... that is ALL that mattered.

 

And it eventually and naturally progressed into a committed long term RL with no push by me... it was all very organic.

 

But yeah we shall see this next time around....and will be keeping you posted!

Edited March 1, 2016 by katiegrl