Should I leave my current boyfriend for my ex husband? SO TORN!!!!!!!!!!

[confusedcarrie]

Guys, I am so confused. I'm 32 years old. I'm trying to make the best choice that will be right for ME in the long run, but I can't decide. Lists of pros and cons don't help; discussing it with friends and family doesn't help. Hearing people tell me to "follow my heart" doesn't help, because I don't know what my heart wants! Using strategy and wisdom to figure out what qualities are best in the long run doesn't help because if something life has taught me, our values change, circumstances change. I am here just to share and just hear what you all think. It may lead me to an aha moment of decision, or it may confuse me more. Either way, I don't think I can possibly be more confused!

 

Well, I just recently got divorced but separated for almost two years. I left him for many reasons, including that he lives with his mom who would always butt in our issues; he didn't like going out to different places, very one-sided, boring, etc. Refused to move out, etc. For almost a year now, I've been dating a guy who I didn't think I was going to be serious with because he struck me as the type of guy you just have fun with for a while and leave. But he's fun AND also serious, and I just got attached to him; and now it's almost one year! With him there is always some outing to look forward to. Great sexual chemistry, which I didn't have with my husband. Very selfless, caring of my desires, made my birthday and Valentine's Day the best I've ever had. My husband never did anything like that.

 

HOWEVER, the recent finalization of the divorce really hurt my ex and me. As much as I love my current guy, I was always looking back at what I left behind. He had been trying to get me back for a while even though he knows I'm with someone else, always showing regret for the things he did to push me away, but the divorce really hurt both of us and I'm starting to consider it. He wants to marry me again. Yes, he still lives with his mom but even she has apologized to me for the way things turned out and also offers me to return. We would be living with her again, BUT it's not long before one of the tenants in her other houses dies of old age (harsh but true) so we can rent that house from her for ourselves.

 

I'm living on my own right now and love it, but one side of me craves the security of married life and not having to pay rent. It's too tempting to go back and rekindle our old fantasy of a lifelong marriage. On the other hand, I love the freedom and spontaneity of my current relationship and style, which if I choose HIM (Guy 2) I DO want it to end in marriage, though I don't know how long that would take. This type of lifestyle can't last forever, so if I choose this over my ex husband, what if years later I get bored of it, crave teh security or marriage, and by then see that I lost my chance for it. It seems sily, if it's marriage what I want, to have to wait for what's not for sure, when I have something certain in my ex who has proved time and time again that he loves me and waits for me and is truly sorry. Guy 2 also has proved it and with him, I love the fun and the fact that I always have something fun to look forward to, which I didn't have with my ex. I'm compatible with both in different ways. Guy 1, my ex husband, GETS me when I'm mad, for example; he knows how to talk to me and make me snap out of it. Guy 2, my style of anger pushes him away. RED flag of incompatibility; how can i change my anger style or walk on eggshells? Now, I don't think there's right or wrong, only compatibility or lack thereof. However, when I'm happy and hyper, Guy 2 gets me better; my ex is more serious and just looks at me like what on earth. Guy 2 also lives with his mom, and can't move out because he's helping the family out. My ex can't move out because he is the recipient of the benefits. Guy 2 is more willing to move out in an uncertain future, and does want to marry me but is vague in terms of when. At least my ex is always straightforward and I always know what is up with him.

 

Oh dear. This is a very general summary of what is going on. Barely the tip of the iceberg. I'll never have ALL the details and information necessary to make the right decision. But based on this.... what do you think? Please help.

[basil67]

I'm afraid I don't understand why you'd want to return to Mr Boring. He may have promised to change, but if he truly wanted to change why didn't he do it BEFORE you got divorced?!

 

Housing security is no reason to return to someone who doesn't meet our needs. And marriage?? Well, you've already proved that it offers little in the way of security. What about the mother in law - she's not going anywhere soon.

 

You say that you still love your ex. Why do you love him? How does being with him make you a better person? Thing is, you've really only written bad stuff about him here.

[confusedcarrie]

I'm afraid I don't understand why you'd want to return to Mr Boring. He may have promised to change, but if he truly wanted to change why didn't he do it BEFORE you got divorced?!

 

Housing security is no reason to return to someone who doesn't meet our needs. And marriage?? Well, you've already proved that it offers little in the way of security. What about the mother in law - she's not going anywhere soon.

 

You say that you still love your ex. Why do you love him? How does being with him make you a better person? Thing is, you've really only written bad stuff about him here.

 

The good stuff-- he's classy. Doesn't drink. Boring, yes. But probably the type of guy one should grow old with. I don't know. Also, the continuation of marriage is appealing. The old fantasy of early youth.

[amaysngrace]

Would you move into your exMIL's house with your exH if you get back with him since you hate to pay rent?

[confusedcarrie]

Would you move into your exMIL's house with your exH if you get back with him since you hate to pay rent?

 

Eek! Just got a text from MIL saying she has a feeling I'm still seeing Guy 2 and that she's concerned about her son. She also said, "When are you planning to move back? I hope you're planning to stop seeing that guy"

[confusedcarrie]

OMG. Ex husband's mom just texted me saying she has a feeling I'm still seeing Guy 2 and that she's concerned about her son. She also said, "When are you planning to move back? I hope you're planning to stop seeing that guy"

 

Breathe. It's his mom, not him doing this.

[jesslindy]

Confused,

 

This may be one of those threads where you run into some not so nice people.

 

I'm not even going to say all the things I want to tear you apart for.

 

Dump them both and go get your head screwed on right.

[Satu]

If you can't decide who you should be with, you shouldn't be with either.

 

You can't build a healthy relationship on a foundation of ambivalence.

[CarrieT]

Carrie, my name is also Carrie.

 

I'm going to echo what the others have said. You need to not have EITHER of them in your life right now...

[MidwestUSA]

Confused,

 

This may be one of those threads where you run into some not so nice people.

 

I'm not even going to say all the things I want to tear you apart for.

 

Dump them both and go get your head screwed on right.

 

 

I was going to suggest spending some time alone, and meeting guy #3 down the road. A very long road.

 

Or meet #s 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and so on, until you really understand what you want in a partner.

 

Until then, don't play games with people.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

When it comes to real "foundation"... there is NO such thing in living with ones sometimes-mother-in-law, and with NO probability of moving out on any foreseeable schedule.

 

The ex-husband, in this case, offers zero in the way of (true) future promise (no matter what dumb promises he makes about any future you {hopefully won't} share).

 

 

The current guy is good for you in that he has shown you much more of what you deserve in the way of an attentive male partner.

 

 

You came here to LS showing the rare signs of someone who is willing to consider reality while not just taking the infatuated route known to most who are contemplating relationships. And that practical assessment of your present options strongly suggests NOT going back to the marriage.

 

 

What you need to do, is separate the following two things:

 

 

A - your ex husband

 

 

(from)

 

 

B - your emotional investment IN your ex-husband

 

 

 

Then recognize that your investment there is and was always a good thing, which you should never knock yourself for having had. You made him important to your every day... just for deciding that he was... That was all YOU... and you have the power to give yourself the same feelings when one day with a partner who can stand on his own two feet.

 

 

And that your ex-husband just hasn't progressed enough in ordinary life to be any sort of a serious partner for the long haul. When his mother dies someday, you and your ex are likely to be living in a tent under a freeway overpass somewhere... and that isn't a future that you want to bring about for yourself.

 

 

You simply deserve better... (although I'm sure you've spent lots of time trying to convince yourself otherwise)

[ilovemefirst]

Do them both a favor and walk away.

 

Your ex husband deserves someone who will appreciate him and not mooch off him

 

Your current guy can do better.

[maacus]

All I can say is that I'm glad I'm not either one of those guys. You're playing with them. Bad juju

[Satu]

A snip from an old journal of mine:

 

 

 

"The heart seeks to connect.

 

The mind requires a reason to connect.

 

The ego wants to rule without connection."

 

 

 

(Too much ego in this situation.)

[Tread Carefully]

I remember your story from before. Your exhusband was an unmotivated jobless loser mama's boy that treated you like crap. He's not going to change. You had been waiting years for that old person to die so you could move into that house. That in itself sounds so terrible!

 

You divorced him for many, many good reasons. When my divorce was finalized I felt sad too. We both did. It's the end/death of a relationship. It's normal to feel that way and to grieve it.

 

You now have a guy that has helped propel you into forward motion instead of keeping you stuck in place, in a horrible rut, like your exhusband did.

 

Always move forward. Stop hoping the ex & the mil will change. They won't and you'll be wasting more years.

 

Life is to freaking short to go backwards.

[Cherryz]

I havent even read your post. just your tittle.

 

If you have to ask should i be with a or b then i think you better leave both alone.

And work on yourself and take your time to know what you want in life etc.

 

Because when you love someone (if there have been enough time gone to call it love) you dont need to ask who to choose. yOU would know where your heart is.

[sandylee1]

Why go backwards to the same old crap. You're not in love with your ex.... just leave it be.

[confusedcarrie]

When it comes to real "foundation"... there is NO such thing in living with ones sometimes-mother-in-law, and with NO probability of moving out on any foreseeable schedule.

 

The ex-husband, in this case, offers zero in the way of (true) future promise (no matter what dumb promises he makes about any future you {hopefully won't} share).

 

 

The current guy is good for you in that he has shown you much more of what you deserve in the way of an attentive male partner.

 

 

You came here to LS showing the rare signs of someone who is willing to consider reality while not just taking the infatuated route known to most who are contemplating relationships. And that practical assessment of your present options strongly suggests NOT going back to the marriage.

 

 

What you need to do, is separate the following two things:

 

 

A - your ex husband

 

 

(from)

 

 

B - your emotional investment IN your ex-husband

 

 

 

Then recognize that your investment there is and was always a good thing, which you should never knock yourself for having had. You made him important to your every day... just for deciding that he was... That was all YOU... and you have the power to give yourself the same feelings when one day with a partner who can stand on his own two feet.

 

 

And that your ex-husband just hasn't progressed enough in ordinary life to be any sort of a serious partner for the long haul. When his mother dies someday, you and your ex are likely to be living in a tent under a freeway overpass somewhere... and that isn't a future that you want to bring about for yourself.

 

 

You simply deserve better... (although I'm sure you've spent lots of time trying to convince yourself otherwise)

 

This was the best reply. Thank you for not judging me and simply going into depth regarding both guys and my situation.

[confusedcarrie]

Why go backwards to the same old crap. You're not in love with your ex.... just leave it be.

 

It's sad. I'm not. And I think that's what hurts me. Hurting him.

[bluefeather]

It seems like you don't love either one of them. You just like what both of them can give you.

[jesslindy]

This was the best reply. Thank you for not judging me and simply going into depth regarding both guys and my situation.

 

It was the best reply because it was the one that validated your thoughts.

[confusedcarrie]

It was the best reply because it was the one that validated your thoughts.

 

You are not completely incorrect in your assessment. Bias and subjectivity are chinks in the human armor we all share in common. For that reason, I come here to get various analyses and figure it out from there. However, there are only a couple here that actually focus on the issue. Everyone here who asks for advice is messed up in one way or another. We all are. I know thT. What I wanted was to hear various opinions, with good reasons why one is better than the other.

[mmmike]

Confused,

 

This may be one of those threads where you run into some not so nice people.

 

I'm not even going to say all the things I want to tear you apart for.

 

Dump them both and go get your head screwed on right.

 

I agree with this. You sound like you're a mess. I don't mean that in a nasty way I just mean you shouldn't be with anyone until you really know what you want. In regards to a decision, I have always realized "exciting" people always fizzle. I would much rather have a stable partner long term. Up to you though. Boring is never really boring... it's stability imo. Stability is security.

[kztar]

I agree with this. You sound like you're a mess. I don't mean that in a nasty way I just mean you shouldn't be with anyone until you really know what you want. In regards to a decision, I have always realized "exciting" people always fizzle. I would much rather have a stable partner long term. Up to you though. Boring is never really boring... it's stability imo. Stability is security.

 

WRONG. BORING PEOPLE ALWAYS FIZZLE. They are always so quiet and bla bla bla. no one knows WTH is going on in their heads for the most part. You think they are stable in the head and one day BOOOOMMMMMM. Their thoughts are elsewhere and whatnot. I wouldn't go back to your husband. Aside from the fact that he is boring he is not a man yet. He needs to grow up.