Interest

[lftbehind]

Do you feel that your AP doesn't care that much about you? Is it enough to break up with them? Like when you tell them that you are sick by text or email, or however you communicate and the next time they contact you back they don't ask if your okay, they basically talk about themselves. Or they forget your birthday when you told them when it was a few weeks previously. They say happy birthday after you remind them. He takes an interest sometimes. I always ask about how he's doing. This is a long-distance R, where I can't even see him anymore. It was about once a week before plus, daily communication. It is all about them and I wonder why I'm bothering with it. I thought he was a friend, but wouldn't a friend be taking more interest?

[Lady2163]

Do you feel that your AP doesn't care that much about you? Is it enough to break up with them? Like when you tell them that you are sick by text or email, or however you communicate and the next time they contact you back they don't ask if your okay, they basically talk about themselves. Or they forget your birthday when you told them when it was a few weeks previously. They say happy birthday after you remind them. He takes an interest sometimes. I always ask about how he's doing. This is a long-distance R, where I can't even see him anymore. It was about once a week before plus, daily communication. It is all about them and I wonder why I'm bothering with it. I thought he was a friend, but wouldn't a friend be taking more interest?

 

Geez, I read stuff like this and I'm reminded how lucky I was. We were friends, he wasn't a jerk. We were long distance. I had two surgeries during the time I knew him and both times he was my first hopped up on drugs phone call after the surgery was done.

 

The nature of the beast is that often the married person in the affair has unequal power. As the Other, your time with them revolves around gaps in their schedule, not yours.

 

You realize you're letting him treat you poorly, right? Would you tolerate this from any other close friend or even a family member?

[lftbehind]

Geez, I read stuff like this and I'm reminded how lucky I was. We were friends, he wasn't a jerk. We were long distance. I had two surgeries during the time I knew him and both times he was my first hopped up on drugs phone call after the surgery was done.

 

The nature of the beast is that often the married person in the affair has unequal power. As the Other, your time with them revolves around gaps in their schedule, not yours.

 

You realize you're letting him treat you poorly, right? Would you tolerate this from any other close friend or even a family member?

 

That's good that you had a caring A partner that sounded consistent. I'm a MOW in a bad M, but I do feel like he has more power. It's because of his schedule that I can't see him anymore. He doesn't live that far, he just doesn't have time with his new job and I work long hours. He is caring quite a bit and has been there as far as talking with me through emails. I do like the friendship, but I feel like I'm wasting my time recently if I can't ever see him.

[Grey Cloud]

I think the thing to remember is that he already has a full life and a full schedule with his w and kids (if he has any). You are on the side and as such only get a small part of him. Having you in his life (where you are obviously taking an interest and caring about him), could be fulfilling some type of ego boost for him?

 

It also could be that he is long distance so now you can't see him in person to get the same level of interaction as before? My xAP was always more attentive in person and seemed more distracted and distant at times communicating by email/text etc.

 

My question to you is whether it's worth continuing a long distance affair? If you are questioning his interest in you, now might be the best time to start letting go - especially if you can no longer see him in person? Maybe you are both just clinging on for that emotional attachment?

 

I know when my xAP got another job and we could no longer see each other as easily, it just seemed liked the right time to make that permanent break. Proximity and conversation help fuel affairs. Once we no longer had proximity we just had to cut the conversation by no longer contacting each other. Easier said then done though I know.

Edited February 28, 2016 by Grey Cloud

[lftbehind]

I think the thing to remember is that he already has a full life and a full schedule with his w and kids (if he has any). You are on the side and as such only get a small part of him. Having you in his life (where you are obviously taking an interest and caring about him), could be fulfilling some type of ego boost for him?

 

It also could be that he is long distance so now you can't see him in person to get the same level of interaction as before? My xAP was always more attentive in person and seemed more distracted and distant at times communicating by email/text etc.

 

My question to you is whether it's worth continuing a long distance affair? If you are questioning his interest in you, now might be the best time to start letting go - especially if you can no longer see him in person? Maybe you are both just clinging on for that emotional attachment?

 

I know when my xAP got another job and we could no longer see each other as easily, it just seemed liked the right time to make that permanent break. Proximity and conversation help fuel affairs. Once we no longer had proximity we just had to cut the conversation by no longer contacting each other. Easier said then done though I know.

 

He has grown children. I don't know much about his W, but he tells me that she is always mad at him and critical of him. I asked him why she was so mad, and he can't give me and answer. I know that he could be exaggerating things to rationalize the A. He also said that he might leave her if things don't go better. I know that it probably won't happen, but it's sort of kept me hanging on, that and the emotional attachment. I'm sure that it's an ego boost for him.

 

That's good that you are working on making a permanent break from your MM. It's is hard. A lot of times I think that I can handle just getting the daily emails, but knowing I can't see him is hard sometimes. I do realize that it was probably for the best that we can't see each other anymore, if it wasn't going anywhere. I almost wish that he would stop contacting me, but I can't stop it myself.

[lftbehind]

Why not get divorced from your bad marriage?

 

That way you can date as a single gal dating single and available men to be emotionally and physically available to you exclusively?

 

I don't make enough money to get my own place and can't afford to go back to school right now, because of a lot of debt. I know that a lot of women say this, but he's not mean to me all of the time. I don't see him much with my work schedule.

[lftbehind]

It's because he's selfish and self centered. Most cheaters are. They want the ego strokes - but not interested enough to ask how you're doing.

 

 

Why did you state it's long distance but then in another post you state you don't live far from each other?

 

Do you get together for sex now or in the past?

 

You're right about the MM being selfish and self-centered. I do like giving ego strokes and making him feel good, though.

 

He lives not real far, but we far enough that it's hard to get together. We got together for sex in the past.

[lftbehind]

Have you seen an attorney? You may be eligible for spousal support - or money towards school.

 

Either way you need to get things going for your future and being capable of supporting yourself.

 

Start school - maybe you could qualify for grants.

 

Do you work part time or full time? How can you also earn more money?

 

I haven't seen an attorney yet. H threatened D before, but we haven't seriously talked about it. He know that I'm unhappy and am having a hard time getting over his verbal abuse. I have a lot of credit card debt that will take a while to pay off. I work full time and my job is exhausting, there's no way I could get a part time job in addition. I'm also fifty one and don't have as much time on my side as some women.

[goodyblue]

Have you seen an attorney? You may be eligible for spousal support - or money towards school.

 

Either way you need to get things going for your future and being capable of supporting yourself.

 

Start school - maybe you could qualify for grants.

 

Do you work part time or full time? How can you also earn more money?

 

This bothers me. I hate it when questions like this are asked, as if OP hasn't asked these questions of herself already. Sometimes it is just a bad time to go. It is also off topic.

 

OP, my opinion is that you don't have to continue with MM if he doesn't fulfill your needs. If you feel it is one sided, let it go. You deserve to be treated well. Hang in there.

[Poppy47]

MM never treated me badly.

 

He went out of his way to be in contact all the time . He was always interested in my well being and my life.

 

I would ditch this guy. He just isn't into you. If he were a good friend, he would be decent to you.

 

You know this is right.

 

Poppy.

[lftbehind]

This bothers me. I hate it when questions like this are asked, as if OP hasn't asked these questions of herself already. Sometimes it is just a bad time to go. It is also off topic.

 

OP, my opinion is that you don't have to continue with MM if he doesn't fulfill your needs. If you feel it is one sided, let it go. You deserve to be treated well. Hang in there.

 

Yes, I've asked myself these questions many times and have been depressed, because I feel stuck. I have melt-downs and have had an eating disorder. Thanks for saying that I deserve to be treated better, that's nice. I'm thinking about letting it go.

[imperfectangel]

Think T's worth remembering that many mm compartmentalise so it could be that you are just out of sight and out of mind.

[Popsicle]

I think there are some people (both men and women, and both single and married) who don't want a full-time relationship, and so an A suits them fine. And then there are people, myself included, where the A left a lot to be desired. It was just not enough, among other things.

[Cappycorny]

Yes. Mine does not care one bit. Very self centered which works wonders because I don't have nor want eelings, however he's to self centered it's now a touch annoying. It's not healthy for me but I'm still struggling to let go because I like the sex. I really don't think many MM really do care. They have really good radar when it comes to just sex and separating emotions.

[imsosad]

My ex ap was very attentive, remembered important events in my life as well as the small bits (it always made me laugh, he remembered what day the cleaner came, my H never did).

One time i got stuck with car trouble , i didnt think to call him,but when he did and heard where i was (middle of nowhere) he came straight away and was pissed i.didnt call him. He did nice things for me. When we began our A he noticed i lost weight, being so excited,anxious and such. He began to bring sandwhiches and snacks to eat together.he did behave like a friend.

Oh, writing this made me miss him. I got so used to focusing on the bad,that i blocked the good bits out.

Anyway, even with all this attention and affection,at the end of the day,he wasnt mine.

Same goes for him. Incidentally, my H and him have birthdays two days apart. That meant i was away all week with my H. My ex ap was upset, saying he gets the short end. He did. I did too. It's just the way it is.

Lftbehind, i feel a lot of sadness in your post.

Are you in love with your mm?

What are you getting from this R?

Not asking to judge, i am trying to stand with you and see things through your eyes.

Have you talked to him about how you feel?

If you could do anything right now, what would really and truely want to do?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Do you feel that your AP doesn't care that much about you? Is it enough to break up with them? Like when you tell them that you are sick by text or email, or however you communicate and the next time they contact you back they don't ask if your okay, they basically talk about themselves. Or they forget your birthday when you told them when it was a few weeks previously. They say happy birthday after you remind them. He takes an interest sometimes. I always ask about how he's doing. This is a long-distance R, where I can't even see him anymore. It was about once a week before plus, daily communication. It is all about them and I wonder why I'm bothering with it. I thought he was a friend, but wouldn't a friend be taking more interest?

 

I told xMM I was suicidal and he did not respond. I left my home in the middle of the night and H called him trying to find me and xMM did not care if I was alive or dead. I had to take the morning after pill twice as xMM only cared about his own needs and never even asked me about it, how I felt from it (crappy).

 

For me, I thought he was a friend but he wasn't. A friend does not use you. A friend cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you. If you feel like he doesn't care, you may be right.

[lftbehind]

My ex ap was very attentive, remembered important events in my life as well as the small bits (it always made me laugh, he remembered what day the cleaner came, my H never did).

One time i got stuck with car trouble , i didnt think to call him,but when he did and heard where i was (middle of nowhere) he came straight away and was pissed i.didnt call him. He did nice things for me. When we began our A he noticed i lost weight, being so excited,anxious and such. He began to bring sandwhiches and snacks to eat together.he did behave like a friend.

Oh, writing this made me miss him. I got so used to focusing on the bad,that i blocked the good bits out.

Anyway, even with all this attention and affection,at the end of the day,he wasnt mine.

Same goes for him. Incidentally, my H and him have birthdays two days apart. That meant i was away all week with my H. My ex ap was upset, saying he gets the short end. He did. I did too. It's just the way it is.

Lftbehind, i feel a lot of sadness in your post.

Are you in love with your mm?

What are you getting from this R?

Not asking to judge, i am trying to stand with you and see things through your eyes.

Have you talked to him about how you feel?

If you could do anything right now, what would really and truely want to do?

 

It sounds like MM really cared about you and I'm sure that it has been hard to let that go, harder than if he was uncaring, then you would know for sure that you had to let him go. I know at the end of the day he's not mine and I'm not sure that I could be with him even if we could be together. He's never told me about his feelings for me, so I can't say that I love him. I wouldn't risk the possible rejection by telling him that I care about him. I'm beginning to think that I'm not getting enough in this R.

[lftbehind]

I told xMM I was suicidal and he did not respond. I left my home in the middle of the night and H called him trying to find me and xMM did not care if I was alive or dead. I had to take the morning after pill twice as xMM only cared about his own needs and never even asked me about it, how I felt from it (crappy).

 

For me, I thought he was a friend but he wasn't. A friend does not use you. A friend cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you. If you feel like he doesn't care, you may be right.

 

I'm so sorry to hear about the way that your xMM treated you. He should have tried to help you and cared more. That shows his true character and is a bad reflection on him, it's just too bad that you had the misfortune of being involved with him. I hope that your doing better now, just keep up NC and protect yourself. I've had some meltdowns over my situation, but I'm realizing that he's not worth getting upset over. I want to be on an emotionally even keel now. It is mostly about their convenience and wants for them.

[lftbehind]

Yes. Mine does not care one bit. Very self centered which works wonders because I don't have nor want eelings, however he's to self centered it's now a touch annoying. It's not healthy for me but I'm still struggling to let go because I like the sex. I really don't think many MM really do care. They have really good radar when it comes to just sex and separating emotions.

 

It sounds like you really need to stop seeing him. You can have even better sex with someone who cares about you and is available. Sex without feelings is empty. Take care of yourself and let him go find someone else to play with. I agree that they can separate sex from emotion, which I'll never really understand.

[imsosad]

It sounds like MM really cared about you and I'm sure that it has been hard to let that go, harder than if he was uncaring, then you would know for sure that you had to let him go. I know at the end of the day he's not mine and I'm not sure that I could be with him even if we could be together. He's never told me about his feelings for me, so I can't say that I love him. I wouldn't risk the possible rejection by telling him that I care about him. I'm beginning to think that I'm not getting enough in this R.

 

You know, i think it's damned if they care and damned if they dont.

I really cant settle the loving and considerate way he treated me with the disrespect he did his wife. Not to her face, but behind her back. Given he was lying,manipulating and disrespecting his W, i have to assume it was the same with me.

I kind of wish he was a straightforward jerk.

Lftbehind, you seem so sad and resigned. You said you and your mm did not discuss feelings. Do you have deep feelings for him? Do you want to break up with him? Is your A more trouble/pain than it's worth?

Please take good care of yourself,you deserve it.

[lftbehind]

You know, i think it's damned if they care and damned if they dont.

I really cant settle the loving and considerate way he treated me with the disrespect he did his wife. Not to her face, but behind her back. Given he was lying,manipulating and disrespecting his W, i have to assume it was the same with me.

I kind of wish he was a straightforward jerk.

Lftbehind, you seem so sad and resigned. You said you and your mm did not discuss feelings. Do you have deep feelings for him? Do you want to break up with him? Is your A more trouble/pain than it's worth?

Please take good care of yourself,you deserve it.

 

You're right, you are damned if they care and damned if they don't. We have no way of knowing if they have lied to us or manipulated us and we don't really know what goes on in their marriage. My MM is basically a good guy and has been considerate of me. He has been a friend to me, too. It would be easier to break up if he were a jerk. I am sad an resigned. I realize that I'll won't be able to spend time with him anymore and I've been trying to detach emotionally. It is reaching the point where it may be more pain than it's worth. I'm trying to take care of myself and thank you for saying that I'm worth it. That's nice to hear.