How to win him back after I cheated?

[UltimatePanacea]

So...I cheated on my boyfriend with some other guy, it lasted for 3 months. I had sex with this other guy and also dated him for a while...I regret awfully for what I've done, my ex found out about my cheating via my Facebook page, as the guy I was cheating on him with tagged me on some picture and posted it on my wall. My ex was really angry at me when he found out and said that he couldn't ever trust me again. Though he did not break up he said he needed some time away from me. My apologies didn't work as he said that he could not believe anything I said.

 

I cut the other guy off completely as I realized I was in love with my ex and the reason why I cheated on him was because I felt like he wasn't paying enough attention to me and to our relationship, he was busy with work and had some family issues. I told him that I was no longer seeing the other guy and he finally agreed on meeting up.

 

So we had sex again and he said that he was still in love with me, but was feeling really bitter and upset about all the things I had done/said. He said that he was also very angry because I was looking for excuses when he first found out about my cheating instead of just apologizing.

 

So now, after we've had sex he is still asking for time away from me and says that he's hurt. He doesn't say it's over and that we won't ever get back together, but he says that nothing will be the same ever again. I really love him and I don't want anyone else. How do I win him back? Please, Help :(

Edited February 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs, clarify title and move to SC

[EatYourVeggies]

I cheated on my boyfriend with some other guy, it lasted for 3 months. I had sex with this other guy and also dated him for a while and he found out about it not from me but via Facebook

 

Wow, triple bonus score.

 

1. Cheated.

 

2. He found out much later and it wasnt from you.

 

3. You dated the other guy for a while.

 

I don't know anyone who ever overcame a triple whammy. But I have heard some stories about it though. Not sure if they are true or not.

 

I wish i had some advice or knew how to help. All i can really offer is to tell you I wish you luck but I wouldn't get your hopes very high if I was you.

[health]

Ultimate Pana - You said you cheated because "he was busy with work and had some family issues"

 

Honestly leave him alone and move on!

 

If someone is working hard - like normal people do, and has family issues - which he totally needed your help on - and you cheated - you guys are not at the same level.

 

No disrespect - but go out, have your fun and move on.

 

You hurt and scared him. A lot!

 

Just let him do his thing, and learn your lessons on your own time. All the best.

[UltimatePanacea]

I see...but what about the fact that he said that he was still in love with me and just needed some time? Is there a chance that maybe if I give him all the time to heal and keep trying for him he will eventually take me back?

[Erik30]

You didn't just cheat, you had an affair. Your boyfriend was right about you making excuses for sleeping with that other guy, you kind off blamed it on him. And to make things worse, the only reason he knows now is because you got caught.

 

This all came as a shock to him so he's confused. He still has feelings for you, but the trust has gone. Maybe he can get over it after some time has passed, but he's right in saying things probably won't be the same.

 

You cheating might always be in the back of his mind There's nothing you can do to "fix" this, it's up to him. And to be honest, I wouldn't take someone back if they did that to me. I would be worried that the girl would cheat on me again

[smudge21]

I see...but what about the fact that he said that he was still in love with me and just needed some time? Is there a chance that maybe if I give him all the time to heal and keep trying for him he will eventually take me back?

 

Sounds like he's following the NC rules and you need to let him. You can't make him take you back and trying to will only make things worse (well, more worse). When you betray someones trust, you destroy them from the inside out. It can rekindle, I've seen it happen, but it will be up to him if it does.

[dreamingoftigers]

I see...but what about the fact that he said that he was still in love with me and just needed some time? Is there a chance that maybe if I give him all the time to heal and keep trying for him he will eventually take me back?

 

Well, do you feel hopeful?

 

And what's to stop you from cheating again?

 

I mean, if the tool you reach for when you feel you aren't getting enough attention is to cheat, doesn't that say it all?

[Satu]

The cheats mantra:

 

 

"I needed xyz, and you were't giving that to me."

 

 

BS.

 

 

People cheat because they want to, choose to, decide to.

[Jabron1]

This might sound harsh, but I need to be honest with you.

 

By cheating on him and using the excuse that he was 'busy and had family issues', you have just disqualified yourself as girlfriend material in his mind. The issue for him is that he desires you, but he knows that logically it won't work. It would be like trying to build on sand.

 

Also you have hurt his pride, and I wouldn't overlook how big of a deal that is to a man.

 

In my opinion, this is too broke to fix. If he takes you back, it will be because he is weak. And if he is weak, you'll probably do it again.

[elaine567]

My advice to you is don't even bother.

Let him go, you treated him badly and he will take a long time to get over this, if ever. Relationships need trust and how can he trust a woman who was seeing another man behind his back for 3 whole months, and who may be still seeing this other guy, if she hadn't been found out.

If you had a long marriage behind you or kids then maybe it would be worth trying reconciliation, but not otherwise.

[road]

If a man came here and asked should he take back his cheating GF I would tell him not to. For I have seen too many BH that where cheated on while dating their GF, then marry her, then years later post how she became a WW and cheated again.

 

 

I would also tell him that dating is the job interview for marriage. She failed the interview.

[introverted1]

Dating is an audition for marriage/LTR.

 

You failed the audition spectacularly.

 

I don't think you will get a call-back.

 

In fairness to your bf, if you care about him at all, gracefully exit the relationship. Take some time to work out why your reaction to your bf having to work hard and deal with family issues was to have an affair with another man. Think about how you will handle future situations when your partner is less available for whatever reason.

 

Good luck.

 

ETA - LOL, had not read Road's reply when I posted.

[mikeylo]

You are not taking responsibility of your actions and rather blaming him. How does that work , ahem ?

 

Trust is the foundation of any relationship and in your case , it has been destroyed. Let him be.

[Redhead14]

So...I cheated on my boyfriend with some other guy, it lasted for 3 months. I had sex with this other guy and also dated him for a while...I regret awfully for what I've done, my ex found out about my cheating via my Facebook page, as the guy I was cheating on him with tagged me on some picture and posted it on my wall. My ex was really angry at me when he found out and said that he couldn't ever trust me again. Though he did not break up he said he needed some time away from me. My apologies didn't work as he said that he could not believe anything I said.

I cut the other guy off completely as I realized I was in love with my ex and the reason why I cheated on him was because I felt like he wasn't paying enough attention to me and to our relationship, he was busy with work and had some family issues. I told him that I was no longer seeing the other guy and he finally agreed on meeting up. So we had sex again and he said that he was still in love with me, but was feeling really bitter and upset about all the things I had done/said. He said that he was also very angry because I was looking for excuses when he first found out about my cheating instead of just apologizing.

So now, after we've had sex he is still asking for time away from me and says that he's hurt. He doesn't say it's over and that we won't ever get back together, but he says that nothing will be the same ever again. I really love him and I don't want anyone else. How do I win him back? Please, Help :(

He doesn't say it's over and that we won't ever get back together, but he says that nothing will be the same ever again. -- If you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences, which in this case, is a strained, anxious, contentious, untrusting relationship/life of walking on eggshells for both of you. If you truly care for this guy, you will move on for no other reason than you want him to have a happy, content, stable relationship, with a strong foundation built on trust. And, he if insists on keeping the relationship, you have to consider why he would want that -- which at this point would likely be because it's easier than breaking up.

 

When cheating is involved in a relationship, I always wonder about the partner who has been cheated on and what's going on with them for them to stay with it. That person needs some counseling and support as well as the cheater.

 

If this were a marriage, I would advocate counseling and working on the situation, but not a dating scenario or pre-engagement/marital relationship. You save a marriage/long-term committed relationship, not one that's already broken before that point.

 

All that being said, you don't WIN him back. You leave him alone to focus on the situation and make a decision about whether he can continue and what it is he will expect from you while the relationship is being re-built. It will be your responsibility to accept whatever it is he needs. You will likely need to give up all of your privacy rights, you will need to tolerate him being suspicious and perhaps somewhat controlling for a while. Basically, what I'm telling you is that your life will be under a microscope and feeling smothered for quite some time. Can you handle that? Are you prepared to walk that line? If not, you should move on yourself.

 

Tell him that you want him to take a period of 30 days of no contact for the purpose of allowing you each to evaluate whether or not you want to continue the relationship. You will reflect on the reasons you sought the attention of another man. You did this for some reason. Some need(s) of yours weren't being met. He will evaluate whether or not he can accept the cheating and whether or not there were other things in the relationship that may have been a problem. At the end of those 30 days, you meet to discuss the situation and make a decision.

[OnlyHonesty]

The guy should be getting himself checked out in a clinic, not having sex with you again...

 

 

You exposed him to another sex partner putting him at risk from their unknown history. That guy should have ditched you immediately. Either way, regardless of whether he stays with you or not, resentment will grow and it will never work out.

[truth_seeker]

Wow! You know, you're playing with fire here.

 

Your ex came back, slept with you and then walked away.

 

1) Your ex just wanted to do you one last time and never see you again. Kinda like him getting the upper hand.

2) He did you just to give you an STD. I know that's crazy, but possible.

 

You hurt this guy bad and you expect him just to forgive you and go back to being boyfriend and girlfriend? You're nuts. It's over. I wouldn't trust you.

[Sipping]

Truth is your gonna get roasted I think you'd expect that here after what you did. But the best thing is to let him be. You can't do nothing. You can't WIN him back because this isn't a competition and when he really needed you you ditched him, found somebody else and had him like a fool.

 

He needs alot of time to recover from that. And if he's a strong man he would drop you and never look back. I'm sorry for saying this but I understand his situation a bit. And I think that's one thing a man focuses on when hes in a rut. He looks at his woman more than anyone else. And you werent there for whatever reason.

 

Just leave him now. If he wants yoh back he'll say. And if it does happen i hope you treat him better.

[Redhead14]

The cheats mantra:

 

 

"I needed xyz, and you were't giving that to me."

 

 

BS.

 

 

People cheat because they want to, choose to, decide to.

 

People cheat because they want to, choose to, decide to because their needs weren't being met. And, what they should do in that case, is go to the partner and talk about that -- not go out and cheat. After that's been done and no accommodation/compromise happens, the partner whose needs aren't being met ends the relationship and then moves on. If the cheater didn't talk to the partner and then uses the XYZ logic, it becomes blame shifting. And a deflection of guilt.

 

It's extremely unfair to shift the blame to the partner when the partner never had a heads up that something needed to be addressed.

 

There is never an excuse for cheating.

[Versacehottie]

I think you both need a clean slate. Also you need to be honest with yourself about now realizing you "love" him. Is it possible that it could be something else disguised as "love"? I think it could very likely be

[truth_seeker]

I think you both need a clean slate. Also you need to be honest with yourself about now realizing you "love" him. Is it possible that it could be something else disguised as "love"? I think it could very likely be

 

If she really loved him she would have never cheated...

[sin miedo]

I think you both need a clean slate. Also you need to be honest with yourself about now realizing you "love" him. Is it possible that it could be something else disguised as "love"? I think it could very likely be

 

This has to be a joke. Someone who is truly in love will never even give thought to cheating, much less a full-blown affair.

 

There is no love here - what the OP did was selfish and disgusting. I really hope this poor guy doesn't try to get her back, because chances are she'll cheat again.

[d0nnivain]

Love doesn't always conquer all. He is probably warring with himself. He loved you & trusted you but you betrayed those things. You may be sorry but you can't take it back.

 

 

If you have asked for forgiveness, that is all you can do The rest is up to him.

[Versacehottie]

This has to be a joke. Someone who is truly in love will never even give thought to cheating, much less a full-blown affair.

 

There is no love here - what the OP did was selfish and disgusting. I really hope this poor guy doesn't try to get her back, because chances are she'll cheat again.

 

You obviously didn't understand my post. Relax. I'm saying she is probably not really in "love" with him. Try reading what I posted again without being ready to pounce.

[health]

I see...but what about the fact that he said that he was still in love with me and just needed some time? Is there a chance that maybe if I give him all the time to heal and keep trying for him he will eventually take me back?

 

It's kinda scary because I feel like you are abusive and just playing with this guy like a cat does with a mouse.

 

He said he's in love with you? If he said he loves you then he's in a world of pain not just with you - with whoever he meets with his concept of what love is.

 

Honestly it's his grave mistake for even sleeping with you after the fact - that's where he messed up.

 

Actually you guys can do whatever you want to do. I feel so grateful I am and was never involved with something this messy.

 

Direction. Think of the direction you guys are going in. This is warning sign where you can turn around. Or hey, continue and catch the inevitable consequences.

 

My suggestion is like I said before - leave him alone your values are very very different, in essence you are taking advantage of his weakness and vulnerability.

 

I apologize if I'm coming across as harsh.

 

It's just that I see the very bad place both of you can end up continuing what you are.

[Wewon]

I see this a lot on LS, people make some monumental violation of trust and then want to reverse things and can't figure out why the other person can't overlook the monumental violation of trust with a simple "I'm sorry but...".

 

You have to appreciate what not only cheating is, but a full blow alternate relationship that you carried out for 3 months is. The most basic things that you expect in a relationship will all be tainted and the most unfair part is, the burden is on him to get over it.