How to win him back after I cheated?

[UltimatePanacea]

I hope he does take you back. Think about having every move you make being monitored, every word you say being questioned, every text being questioned, every phone call monitored, having to check in when you go somewhere, how much gas is in your car in the morning and how much is there at the end of the day. Good luck wid dat. And, now, think about how much energy and anxiety exists inside him while that's all happening. Go ahead, be selfish . . .

 

If you want to show him you love him, you will save him from all that. Wear his shoes for awhile . . .

you're right though...it won't be the same and even if he does continue with me it will be completely on his terms...he might as well act like a total D and I won't be able to say anything because I screwed up once majorly...he could even take me back just to hurt me then dump...

[Redhead14]

you're right though...it won't be the same and even if he does continue with me it will be completely on his terms...he might as well act like a total D and I won't be able to say anything because I screwed up once majorly...he could even take me back just to hurt me then dump...

 

You have changed him forever. Make no mistake about that. You have caused the proverbial "baggage" that people take with them after every bad relationship. Congratulations, you are a part of HIS history now. What a legacy. Even when he moves on, he and whoever he ends up with, will be suffering the results of your selfish, undignified, dishonest behavior.

 

Now, think about your future -- constantly working to prove your worth. Always feeling inferior, always feeling guilty even if you haven't done anything wrong. You will have baggage too.

[UltimatePanacea]

Is it the sex that he cannot get over with or he would still act the same way even if I just had a few dates with this guy and told him about it myself? I mean does it matter for a guy the level of infidelity or cheating is cheating whether or not there was sexual intercourse??

 

...and yes, the relationship will not ever be the same, but if only he could forgive and move forward and give us an opportunity to create new memories this ugly mess would've been less significant with time...but then his forgiveness depends on his level of commitment investment to me and to our relationship. In other words, if he didn't like me that much and then THIS happened, he would have basically no reason to carry on. But if he truly liked me he would find a way/reasons after some time of analyzing and thinking to forgive and try again.

[Redhead14]

By the way, thanks for contaminating the dating pool . . .

Edited February 29, 2016 by Redhead14

[VintageWine]

Is it the sex that he cannot get over with or he would still act the same way even if I just had a few dates with this guy and told him about it myself? I mean does it matter for a guy the level of infidelity or cheating is cheating whether or not there was sexual intercourse??

 

...and yes, the relationship will not ever be the same, but if only he could forgive and move forward and give us an opportunity to create new memories this ugly mess would've been less significant with time...but then his forgiveness depends on his level of commitment investment to me and to our relationship. In other words, if he didn't like me that much and then THIS happened, he would have basically no reason to carry on. But if he truly liked me he would find a way/reasons after some time of analyzing and thinking to forgive and try again.

 

 

You still have no idea do you? I understand you're in pain and all, however you honestly don't seem to grasp what's going on.

[Redhead14]

You still have no idea do you? I understand you're in pain and all, however you honestly don't seem to grasp what's going on.

 

Vintage, she cannot grasp what's going on. Her core is undeveloped/damaged. I promise you this woman has some unfinished "biness" in her childhood/relationships. That doesn't excuse her, but she is not working with the right tools/emotional IQ required to be a functioning adult especially in the dating world.

 

Most people on these boards know me to be a little more forgiving in general, until I see that an OP needs a kick in the ass. We all saw that need very early in this thread. She needs to own this. When she says "I have treated this man poorly by destroying his trust and I will leave him alone for no other reason to than to let him heal and for me to absorb my responsibility in this situation", I will start giving her some support for allowing her to forgive herself and move forward as a better, stronger person.

[lchf]

Is it the sex that he cannot get over with or he would still act the same way even if I just had a few dates with this guy and told him about it myself? I mean does it matter for a guy the level of infidelity or cheating is cheating whether or not there was sexual intercourse??

 

...and yes, the relationship will not ever be the same, but if only he could forgive and move forward and give us an opportunity to create new memories this ugly mess would've been less significant with time...but then his forgiveness depends on his level of commitment investment to me and to our relationship. In other words, if he didn't like me that much and then THIS happened, he would have basically no reason to carry on. But if he truly liked me he would find a way/reasons after some time of analyzing and thinking to forgive and try again.

 

I just can't.. He is not obliged to give you another shot AT ALL. Just because he forgives your choices doesn't mean a healthy meaningful relationship is at all possible, and what's more, even 100% compassionate love for another as well as total committment to that person can be totally shattered by the betrayal you've inflicted. How can you apply the logic "if he liked me enough he would let it go"? The foundation of your relationship is finished, totalled, buried..it doesn't exist anymore. His trust for you is gone; that is the key idea you're not grasping.

[Redhead14]

Perhaps, you should consider this as well . . . he didn't like me that much. In which case, I'd say he had instincts.

[joseb]

I really hope this isn't s real post. I read it plus the other one where the op accused her boyfriend of having given her and sti

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/567605-he-won-t-talk-me-after-fight#post6756336

 

In it she is very clear they have had an exclusive talk, and are not seeing others. Yet here on this thread she is trying to say she was just keeping her options open. So she is lying to everyone here as well as her boyfriend, not to mention accusing him of something while shagging another guy and probably picking up an sti there. As far as cheaters go, this is about as bad as it gets.

 

If this is for real, then yes, you have probably ruined this guy for some decent woman. I had a gf cheat on me like this. I don't think I've really ever been the same.

 

The only thing you can do is stop messing with this guys head any more. At least if he has you out of his life he night recover to some level of normality sooner.

[UltimatePanacea]

Well that decent guy everybody's protecting now wouldn't care if we didn't see each other for weeks because he was so busy with work and trips and family drama...I felt lonely and bored with an unmotivated man though I liked him more than the guy i cheated with at least the other guy would make effort to see me regularly without whining about his tight schedule or that he had to do all the driving. I am much younger than my ex so he should've known that I need some fun and some attention...

As for why I still hold on to hope is cause he gives me mixed signals. Last week we got together had sex talked about seeing each other again he even talked about his issues with his boss and father...I thought we were making a step forward but then the next day he shut down again taking 3 steps back...

[joseb]

Either this is a joke post, or you are totally incapable of empathy, and need to see someone to sort yourself out.

[Qboro90]

Well that decent guy everybody's protecting now wouldn't care if we didn't see each other for weeks because he was so busy with work and trips and family drama...I felt lonely and bored with an unmotivated man though I liked him more than the guy i cheated with at least the other guy would make effort to see me regularly without whining about his tight schedule or that he had to do all the driving. I am much younger than my ex so he should've known that I need some fun and some attention...

As for why I still hold on to hope is cause he gives me mixed signals. Last week we got together had sex talked about seeing each other again he even talked about his issues with his boss and father...I thought we were making a step forward but then the next day he shut down again taking 3 steps back...

 

I'll tell you from a guys perspective what the best thing to do for your future chances with this guy would be and also what you need to stop doing.

 

First, stop having sex with him. And stop initiating texts, contact , seeing him. All you're doing by doing this is letting him have sex with you while allowing him to use the "you cheated on me, I don't know if I'll ever get over that and forgive you, I need more time" attitude. So you're never going to move things forward if he's not experiencing time without you or any of the perks that go along with it.

 

That's not to say that he should just get over what you did either. You messed up big time and as a guy, I know that if I did get back together with you, I would question your loyalty and couldn't trust that you wouldn't do it again for a very long time if ever. There's no timeline on whether or not his overall love for you will surpass this risk of you cheating again if he takes you back.

 

I also see signs that you will not be happy with the relationship if he does end up taking you back. Clearly you expressed that you felt he didn't give you the attention or time that you needed/wanted and that's why you cheated. In the post I quoted above you're already starting to talk about the reasons why he's not a perfect angel and how he wasn't doing things you wanted in a BF before all this happened. So that's something you need to look at honestly and figure out whether or not you can live with his busy work schedule and what it requires him to do, or if you will eventually have those feelings come back where you want more from him and when you dot get it you look outside at other guys for that attention/ego boost/devotion.

 

What you need to do is tell him ASAP that while you love him and are willing to do anything to regain his trust, and you will be there if he needs to talk about his job, boss, family or any issues at all, you also can't continue to sleep with him.

 

Basically you can't continue to be his girlfriend without the title while he makes up his mind. Sucks to say because you're the one who cheated, but he needs to experience life without you and the thought of losing you in order to force his decision to be made quicker. How do you do that? Stop contacting him first and sleeping with him. If he contacts you and wants to talk about his day or what's going on then you obviously talk to him and listen/support. But you can be having sex with him, being his support system, and dragging this out for the next year.

[Lorenza]

Funny how cheaters always find ways to victimize themselves. They "feel guilty", but not quite: "Omg I regret it so much! The guy I cheated on treated me so terribly, but of course that doesn't justify what I did (though I hope someone will tell me that he deserved to be cheated on and is an ahole to not forgive me instantly)".

Wonder if girls like OP really understand the weight of their betrayal or just feels bad because their partners won't forgive them.

[road]

Well the affair with the other guy didn't start purely as sexual, and we've only slept a few times, not throughout those 3 months...

And as for my bf, well he wasn't necessarily committed to the relationship though he wasn't cheating. He was constantly unavailable, his family was also a big part of our arguments (his divorcing parents, in particular)...all I wanted was for him to care and invest a little more into our relationship. It's still not an excuse to sleep with someone else though...I just feel so ****ty and I have realized that I didn't even like that guy I was cheating on him with. I really like my bf and I would do anything to get him back.

 

You are still justifying your affair. Which is bad.

 

 

Now with this information about his parents chances are one is the WS. He see's his family falling apart.

 

 

Then you cheat on him. He finds out and says I can't marry her for she will probably will cheat on me and my marriage will end in divorce. Well I can not have that happen to my marriage like it did my parents marriage.

 

 

Your still justifying your affair which shows that you will never be able to be monogamous.

[kgcolonel]

Is it the sex that he cannot get over with or he would still act the same way even if I just had a few dates with this guy and told him about it myself? I mean does it matter for a guy the level of infidelity or cheating is cheating whether or not there was sexual intercourse??

 

...and yes, the relationship will not ever be the same, but if only he could forgive and move forward and give us an opportunity to create new memories this ugly mess would've been less significant with time...but then his forgiveness depends on his level of commitment investment to me and to our relationship. In other words, if he didn't like me that much and then THIS happened, he would have basically no reason to carry on. But if he truly liked me he would find a way/reasons after some time of analyzing and thinking to forgive and try again.

 

UP...I will not criticize you here as you are getting your share of that but will attempt to explain....what it is to the guy from a guy's perspective:

 

Yes, it is the sex...but it is also the betrayal and the lack of appreciation of a MAN being devoted to all the right things.

 

Sex....when a GF / Wife cheats / has an affair it says several things to her BF / Husband....you're not good enough, I am no longer committed to you, I'd do this again given the chance, It's all about me and my O, you did not give me what I wanted so i got it elsewhere (oh, forgot to break up with you before hand), last and not least....I am not trust worthy.

 

Men can also see this betrayal specifically when there's sex involved as the betrayer now being tainted...you have another man's seed within you.....no rational but neither is cheating....

 

The betrayal can be as big a deal as the sex in that he no longer feels safe in an intimate relationship with you....can't trust you if he's called away, can't trust you with his inner thoughts etc....you'll lie to him, and step out on him again.

 

If i had been your BF the only way you would ever see me again would be to openly communicate with me the following:

 

How very sorry you are for the terrible choices you made...they were not "mistakes" in that you choose to "date" this other guy for some time. How this situation made you realize what a great guy I am and specifically why you think that.

 

What you are doing to ensure this never happens again...specific steps you are taking to avoid such poor decision making with or without me.

 

Asking me what I would need to feel safe in a relationship with you going forward....i.e.passwords to social media, access to email etc complete transparency.

 

Open communication and likely Couples Therapy

 

My biggest concerns is the age gap...you sound as though you're much younger but significantly in a different maturity level than your BF...this is the why you don't yet appreciate the "where and what" your BF was doing and the maturity to either break up with him before cheating or be patient with him knowing he was behaving as an adult.

 

 

I hope this creates a better understanding....but you are right in that the relationship and he will never be the same....

[Redhead14]

Well that decent guy everybody's protecting now wouldn't care if we didn't see each other for weeks because he was so busy with work and trips and family drama...I felt lonely and bored with an unmotivated man though I liked him more than the guy i cheated with at least the other guy would make effort to see me regularly without whining about his tight schedule or that he had to do all the driving. I am much younger than my ex so he should've known that I need some fun and some attention...

As for why I still hold on to hope is cause he gives me mixed signals. Last week we got together had sex talked about seeing each other again he even talked about his issues with his boss and father...I thought we were making a step forward but then the next day he shut down again taking 3 steps back...

 

I felt lonely and bored with an unmotivated man though I liked him more than the guy i cheated with at least the other guy would make effort to see me regularly without whining about his tight schedule or that he had to do all the driving. I am much younger than my ex so he should've known that I need some fun and some attention...

You are still blaming him for your bad behavior!!!!!!

 

Like I said earlier, if you're dating someone for three months (which by the way is when you started cheating and you carried that on for the next three months) and find that a dating partner doesn't meet your needs, you don't go out and cheat. You end it and find someone who can.

 

Last week we got together had sex talked about seeing each other again he even talked about his issues with his boss and father...I thought we were making a step forward -- This not about making a step forward. It's just a guy talking about his boss and father and then having sex with a woman just because it was there . . .

I am much younger -- Yeah, but you are not 12 years old are you?

 

he had to do all the driving -- WHY? You don't have a car and/or a license?

 

Go home to your parents so they can finish the job they started no matter how old you are.

Out of curiousity, how old are you?

 

 

[contel3]

If this is for real, then yes, you have probably ruined this guy for some decent woman. I had a gf cheat on me like this. I don't think I've really ever been the same.

 

This scared me a bit.

 

Just out of curiosity: For real? Even years later? I'd actually like to believe it's possible to recover and be a decent man for a decent woman, even if it's years down the line....

[kendahke]

People cheat because they want to, choose to, decide to because

 

...they lack discipline. Period.

 

There was absolutely nothing, except selfishness, to have stopped OP from saying to her boyfriend "I think it's time you went and did your own thing and I'm going to go do my own thing because you don't seem to have the time for me or our relationship and I need someone who has and makes the time"; then broken up with him and go on to see whoever she wanted.

 

And I say selfishness because of the subsequent posts trying to justify her behavior when the fact of the matter is, she choose to cheat, she obviously wanted to get with this guy she cheated with and she decided it was good policy to be deceitful just so she got attention. All 3 of those are a glaring lack of self control and self discipline and indicative of a very childish view of how things work in the adult world.

Edited February 29, 2016 by kendahke

[Redhead14]

because nothing. They cheat because they choose to, want to and decide to AND LACK DISCIPLINE. Period.

 

There was absolutely nothing, except selfishness, to have stopped OP from saying to her boyfriend "I think it's time you went and did your own thing and I'm going to go do my own thing because you don't seem to have the time for me or our relationship and I need someone who has and makes the time"; then broken up with him and go on to see whoever she wanted.

 

And I say selfishness because of the subsequent posts trying to justify her behavior when the fact of the matter is, she choose to cheat, she obviously wanted to get with this guy she cheated with and she decided it was good policy to be deceitful just so she got attention. All 3 of those are a glaring lack of self control and self discipline and indicative of a very childish view of how things work in the adult world.

 

I completely agree with all this and have said as much a number of times. I was simply pointing out the fact that it's a fact that, in some cases and her's specifically, a person's needs aren't being met and that's how they justify cheating when in fact, they should accept the fact that the other person isn't/won't/can't meet their needs and move on instead of cheating.

 

If your needs aren't being met in an exclusive relationship, you end that relationship before you go find someone else to meet those needs.

[kendahke]

Well for now I am going to leave him alone because I've been violating the NC all this time...But then I am planning to drive to his place, maybe 2-3 weeks later for a final shot...then if he still sticks to his guns I will let it go...

 

This is what I mean by selfishness.

 

This isn't about him at all. This is about UP trying to keep her grip on what she's already lost.

 

Got news for you, UP--the guy you want... the one he was before you cheated on him? He's gone. For good. He's never showing back up. Ever. Who you have now is the angry, bitter, resentful side of him that gets reminded of your treachery every time he lays eyes on you. You can be as whatever as you want--nice, sorry, repentant blah blah blah--it will do no good because there is no way to unring that bell. The earth ain't spinning backwards for you to get a do-over.

 

It'd be best to leave him alone before your selfishness drives him to take out a protective order against you.

[kendahke]

I am going to leave him alone, but I am going to still try for him maybe a month later or so because I really like him...I know you guys think I am the worst person for what I've done, but I truly regret, everyone can make mistakes and as long as they are regretful they should be forgiven..

 

Making a mistake is putting salt in the frosting batter instead of sugar. Cheating is a deliberate, conscious, premeditated action that you OK'd with yourself to enter into and the forgiveness timetable for that level of deceit isn't up to the person who did the wrong.

 

Also, forgiving you doesn't mean forgetting what you did or wanting you anywhere around.

 

You appear to believe that just because you're hurting and are now, well after the fact, sorry for what you did because you're inconvenienced, that he's supposed to forget all of this and go back to the way things were---which, if I'm not mistaken, was the whole reason why you chose to cheat in the first place: his work and his family were taking time away from your relationship.

 

So really, he's done you a huge favor. He's removed himself from a place of causing you so much hurt that you sought intimate attention from another man.

[kendahke]

Is it the sex that he cannot get over with or he would still act the same way even if I just had a few dates with this guy and told him about it myself?

 

UP--I don't ask this to be mean, but seriously, how old are you? Were you not in an exclusive relationship? I'm not understanding when being in an exclusive relationship means it's ok to date around.

 

No, it's not the sex--that's probably the lesser of the evils here. It's YOU ALLOWING ANOTHER MAN INTO YOUR SPACE OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY THAT ONLY YOUR BOYFRIEND HAD A RIGHT TO BE IN. It's you revealing aspects of yourself that were none of that other guy's business while you are in an exclusive relationship. It's mindboggling that this has to be spelled out for a grown woman.

 

It's also the fact that that guy put your treachery on blast on a public forum and everyone in your circle of friends and acquaintances knows. That was an embarrassing blow to his pride and ego.

 

Those two, more than the sex, did the most damage and why he will most likely never fully accept you back in his life--not to where you were before. He knows what you're capable of now and will forever be on guard.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I mean does it matter for a guy the level of infidelity or cheating is cheating whether or not there was sexual intercourse??

 

...and yes, the relationship will not ever be the same, but if only he could forgive and move forward and give us an opportunity to create new memories this ugly mess would've been less significant with time...but then his forgiveness depends on his level of commitment investment to me and to our relationship. In other words, if he didn't like me that much and then THIS happened, he would have basically no reason to carry on. But if he truly liked me he would find a way/reasons after some time of analyzing and thinking to forgive and try again.

[kendahke]

Is it the sex that he cannot get over with or he would still act the same way even if I just had a few dates with this guy and told him about it myself? I mean does it matter for a guy the level of infidelity or cheating is cheating whether or not there was sexual intercourse??

 

UP--I don't ask this to be mean, but seriously, how old are you? Were you not in an exclusive relationship? I'm not understanding when being in an exclusive relationship means it's ok to date around.

 

No, it's not the sex--that's probably the lesser of the evils here. It's YOU ALLOWING ANOTHER MAN INTO YOUR SPACE OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY THAT ONLY YOUR BOYFRIEND HAD A RIGHT TO BE IN. It's you revealing aspects of yourself that were none of that other guy's business while you are in an exclusive relationship. It's mindboggling that this has to be spelled out for a grown woman.

 

It's also the fact that that guy put your treachery on blast on a public forum and everyone in your circle of friends and acquaintances knows. That was an embarrassing blow to his pride and ego.

 

Those two, more than the sex, did the most damage and why he will most likely never fully accept you back in his life--not to where you were before. He knows what you're capable of now and will forever be on guard.

 

 

...and yes, the relationship will not ever be the same, but if only he could forgive and move forward and give us an opportunity to create new memories this ugly mess would've been less significant with time...but then his forgiveness depends on his level of commitment investment to me and to our relationship. In other words, if he didn't like me that much and then THIS happened, he would have basically no reason to carry on. But if he truly liked me he would find a way/reasons after some time of analyzing and thinking to forgive and try again.

 

None of this is up to you.

 

You are not entitled to get your way because you're feeling inconvenienced.

[d0nnivain]

But then I am planning to drive to his place, maybe 2-3 weeks later for a final shot...then if he still sticks to his guns I will let it go...

 

Causing a confrontation is no way to fix this.

 

I am going to leave him alone, but I am going to still try for him maybe a month later or so because I really like him....

 

The more time he stews about this, the more likely he will never forgive you. Time makes wounds like his fester. I doesn't make things better. So being manipulative by leaving him alone then coming back helps nothing. Just leave him alone. The ball is in his court. If he comes back be grateful & appreciative. If he doesn't that is your answer: he made up his mind & no longer wants you because he can't trust you.

 

And now everybody's throwing the stones at me, I'm the monster, the devil, the mentally unstable...when a guy cheats, society takes it easier, he's just a man, he can't help it, right? But when a woman does the same thing she's just evil and does not deserve forgiveness under no conditions. I think it's unfair...

 

People of both genders who cheat are unethical. You are not a monster. You are not the devil. You are not mentally unstable because you cheated but your desire to provoke a physical confrontation by showing up at his house is not the wisest choice. You made a mistake but not you have to live with the consequences.

 

Ok, I get it, leave him alone let him heal you don't deserve him...and what do I do if he contacts me all of a sudden? Act all warm and receptive or what?

 

You listen to what he has to say. A neutral tone will serve you best.

 

well i've already tried all the texting/calling/e-mailing, he accepts the apologies, but says he cannot forgive me now and there's nothing I can do to change it.

 

Why couldn't he just forgive and try again? He obviously still has feelings for me from what he's told me last week when we met, then why couldn't he get over his bruised ego?

 

I just want to get back our times together, I don't want to start over with someone new am just not interested in anyone new..he's all I want

 

If he can't forgive you, he can't forgive you. It's more then a bruised ego. You lied to him. You cheated on him. You violated his trust. Your actions told him he wasn't good enough. You hurt him. You potentially exposed him to disease.

 

He can't just forgive you.

 

Your past good times are no more. Somebody made a crumpled paper analogy. Re-read that. I was going to tell you about a broken dish. You can glue the pieces back together but it will never be as strong or as pretty as it was when it was whole. That is your relationship: broken.

 

 

Well that decent guy everybody's protecting now wouldn't care if we didn't see each other for weeks because he was so busy with work and trips and family drama...I felt lonely and bored with an unmotivated man though I liked him more than the guy i cheated with at least the other guy would make effort to see me regularly without whining about his tight schedule or that he had to do all the driving. I am much younger than my ex so he should've known that I need some fun and some attention......

 

That tells me you are incompatible. Instead of cheating, you should have judt dumped him for not paying enough attention to you.

 

The reason getting back together isn't a good plan is he will still have other priorities. What are you going to do cheat again?

[kendahke]

Well that decent guy everybody's protecting now wouldn't care if we didn't see each other for weeks because he was so busy with work and trips and family drama...I felt lonely and bored with an unmotivated man

 

hey.. Hey... HEY! When you have this going on, you open your mouth and speak up about where they're falling short and if their answers/actions do not suffice YOU LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP. You don't open your legs to another man. I dont' care how lonely, bored or whatever you were... that, for me, speaks of an insanely gross lack of self discipline.

 

though I liked him more than the guy i cheated with at least the other guy would make effort to see me regularly without whining about his tight schedule or that he had to do all the driving.

 

... and he put all of your business in the street. If all of this was true, why not dump your ex FIRST and get with this guy who was doing all this?

 

I am much younger than my ex so he should've known that I need some fun and some attention...

 

You are also old enough to know that people have obligations that they can't walk away from because you can't entertain yourself or develop interests outside of a relationship to make you a more interesting person to want to come home to.

 

As for why I still hold on to hope is cause he gives me mixed signals. Last week we got together had sex talked about seeing each other again he even talked about his issues with his boss and father...I thought we were making a step forward but then the next day he shut down again taking 3 steps back...

 

You had sex and his fever broke. That's not progress. You can't sex a man into a relationship he doesn't want to be in.