How to win him back after I cheated?

[Redhead14]

hey.. Hey... HEY! When you have this going on, you open your mouth and speak up about where they're falling short and if their answers/actions do not suffice YOU LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP. You don't open your legs to another man. I dont' care how lonely, bored or whatever you were... that, for me, speaks of an insanely gross lack of self discipline.

 

 

 

... and he put all of your business in the street. If all of this was true, why not dump your ex FIRST and get with this guy who was doing all this?

 

 

 

You are also old enough to know that people have obligations that they can't walk away from because you can't entertain yourself or develop interests outside of a relationship to make you a more interesting person to want to come home to.

 

 

 

You had sex and his fever broke. That's not progress. You can't sex a man into a relationship he doesn't want to be in.

 

We've all been saying the same things over and over. She's an airhead and clueless. There are plenty of other threads where the OP's are at least intelligent enough to understand and evaluate the advice they are given.

[PrettyEmily77]

This scared me a bit.

 

Just out of curiosity: For real? Even years later? I'd actually like to believe it's possible to recover and be a decent man for a decent woman, even if it's years down the line....

 

Adding my own experience, my ex-BF got cheated on multiple times during his previous relationship - he found out the first time, took her back after she'd 'apologised' and 'promised never to do it again'.

 

Except of course it happened again. A few times. He finally let her go but the damage was already done.

 

When we got together he told me all of this but I assumed all would be well as I'm fairly open and cheating really isn't my thing (never done it, doubt I ever will). Still, after months together it became apparent that his ex's cheating turned him into a paranoid wreck and his jealousy was through the roof - in the last months of our relationship, he would check my emails and phone, he'd turn up wherever I was, whether I be meeting friends or at my place of work just to check I was where I said I was. It was a complete nightmare.

His lack of trust, a direct consequence of his ex's cheating, not his constant snooping, put a huge strain on our 3-year relationship and ultimately broke us up. He's still single.

 

My current BF also got cheated on by his ex-wife - he's a secure, emotionally healthy guy so he's mostly dealt with it well but it does flare up on occasion.

 

I really wouldn't underestimate the chaos cheating can cause on some people.

[kendahke]

Adding my own experience, my ex-BF got cheated on multiple times during his previous relationship - he found out the first time, took her back after she'd 'apologised' and 'promised never to do it again'.

 

Except of course it happened again. A few times. He finally let her go but the damage was already done.

 

When we got together he told me all of this but I assumed all would be well as I'm fairly open and cheating really isn't my thing (never done it, doubt I ever will). Still, after months together it became apparent that his ex's cheating turned him into a paranoid wreck and his jealousy was through the roof - in the last months of our relationship, he would check my emails and phone, he'd turn up wherever I was, whether I be meeting friends or at my place of work just to check I was where I said I was. It was a complete nightmare.

His lack of trust, a direct consequence of his ex's cheating, not his constant snooping, put a huge strain on our 3-year relationship and ultimately broke us up. He's still single.

 

My current BF also got cheated on by his ex-wife - he's a secure, emotionally healthy guy so he's mostly dealt with it well but it does flare up on occasion.

 

I really wouldn't underestimate the chaos cheating can cause on some people.

 

Exactly.

 

It is a very, very hard thing to bounce back from, especially without having gone through some therapy to process the anger and resentment you feel from being duped and played for a fool when all they needed to do was to tell you "I'm not feeling this anymore and am breaking up with you". At least whatever happens after that, you can have some level of respect for them because they let you go before they went sniffing in behind someone new. But the whole cheating, carrying on in an affair for months then you finding out by either their cheat partner putting the info on blast or, as in my case, them butt-dialing you while on their way to their cheat partner's condo robs you of the ability to recognize anything worth respecting in them.

Edited February 29, 2016 by kendahke

[VintageWine]

I'm honestly curious about OPs age and just what's going through her head. I've seen cheaters that are feeling sorry about what they have done but this one just takes the cake.

 

I really don't know what else to say to OP. I just hope that she can just let go of this guy. At the same time she knew what she was getting herself into if you're going to date someone with a busy schedule. However, she should know by now she has no excuse.

[Redhead14]

I'm honestly curious about OPs age and just what's going through her head. I've seen cheaters that are feeling sorry about what they have done but this one just takes the cake.

 

I really don't know what else to say to OP. I just hope that she can just let go of this guy. At the same time she knew what she was getting herself into if you're going to date someone with a busy schedule. However, she should know by now she has no excuse.

 

I asked her age a few posts ago. I am wondering if she is of age even. She mentioned that the "BF" was a lot older and was tired of driving to her all the time. Does she live at home and not have a license? Wondering. I am really struggling with her inability to comprehend the concept of exclusivity and what cheating means in terms of character. She doesn't seem to have genuine remorse. She shouldn't be dating at all with her mental/emotional IQ level.

Edited February 29, 2016 by Redhead14

[UltimatePanacea]

I am 22 years old and I drive if you must know whoever asked it.

[VintageWine]

I am 22 years old and I drive if you must know whoever asked it.

 

......

 

You're 22 years old. I'm 20 about to be 21 in May....

 

Cmon. I mean come on...

[UltimatePanacea]

......

 

You're 22 years old. I'm 20 about to be 21 in May....

 

Cmon. I mean come on...

Listen I knew I made a mistake when I posted in this forum I wasn't looking to get a medal for what I've done but I also wasn't looking to get bashed and criticized like this either...I was here for some advice on how to apologize properly and reconcile with him. Obviously I didn't get any advice like that there was maybe one guy who said something like that but that's it most people are on their moral high horse acting like they are angels and never made any mistakes...

[VintageWine]

Listen I knew I made a mistake when I posted in this forum I wasn't looking to get a medal for what I've done but I also wasn't looking to get bashed and criticized like this either...I was here for some advice on how to apologize properly and reconcile with him. Obviously I didn't get any advice like that there was maybe one guy who said something like that but that's it most people are on their moral high horse acting like they are angels and never made any mistakes...

 

That's besides the point.

 

I've made a lot of mistakes in my past relationships and I've owned up to them. I'm no angel, I'm far from one. Hell, I can go into how controlling I was with my ex boyfriend. Very controlling with him in that long distance relationship with him. It wasn't a pretty, not to mention I had a terrible temper then. The list goes on and on with me. I remember when he was hanging out with a friend of his that's a girl, and I went nuts on him.

 

What I'm trying to get it is that you don't seem to grasp the concept that you can't just expect your ex to just forgive you like that. To just take you back like that. No one here is being on their high horse. People are giving you advice and pretty much the truth that you can't make excuses on why you cheated.

[Redhead14]

Listen I knew I made a mistake when I posted in this forum I wasn't looking to get a medal for what I've done but I also wasn't looking to get bashed and criticized like this either...I was here for some advice on how to apologize properly and reconcile with him. Obviously I didn't get any advice like that there was maybe one guy who said something like that but that's it most people are on their moral high horse acting like they are angels and never made any mistakes...

 

A mistake -- you are still minimizing it I see.

 

A mistake is Oops, I forgot to take the roast out of the oven. What you did was a conscious, egregious, pre-meditated, selfish act of moral disregard. We could "forgive" you, however, if you had said one single thing that showed you were owning and understanding the magnitude of your 'mistake'. Instead of trying to reconcile with him, spend that time learning about the meaning of character and self-awareness.

 

I was here for some advice on how to apologize properly and reconcile with him -- And, we all told you there was no apology proper enough and that you should just leave him alone. Pages and pages tell you that and yet you came back with questions and minimizing and giving excuses for what you did. Remorseful people don't make excuses. They say "I know what I did was wrong and that I've hurt you deeply. There is no excuse for what I've done. I will leave you alone now to heal."

 

You pushing for reconciliation is still based on selfishness, what you want. This is about HIM. He gets to decide whether that can happen. You pushing him is a further violation.

Edited February 29, 2016 by Redhead14

[stillafool]

Yes, we've been dating for 6 months, we talked about being exclusive, but like I said, he was not paying enough attention to our relationship because of his endless business trips and family drama. I am not trying to find excuses for my affair, but I felt lonely and needed something new...the STD drama settled between as we both got tested and nothing was there, but he is not able to get over my affair. We've hit the "point of no return" and it is my fault as I was unable to follow the rules of No Contact...

Ok, guess driving to his places is another violation of his space and privacy. I just don't want to let him go, I know I will never do what I've done, I've apologized already but he said there was nothing I could do to "fix" things.

I'm a little confused on why he slept with me after all that and why he said that it wasn't absolutely over...does he still think that maybe he would change his mind about me? Has anyone been forgiven/forgave their cheating ex???

 

No, you two are over. What isn't over is his getting as much sex from you as he wants before he moves on. I've seen this happen too many times. Once a woman cheats, the man who still loves her will have as much sex with her as he wants, anyway he wants because he feels he's owed it because you cheated. After that wears old, the look of disgust is still in his eyes and he let's you go. He knows you are not gf material, certainly not marriage material and it's over. The only time they seem to give it a chance is when they are married with kids. Even then they are sickened.

Edited February 29, 2016 by stillafool

[d0nnivain]

Listen I knew I made a mistake when I posted in this forum I wasn't looking to get a medal for what I've done but I also wasn't looking to get bashed and criticized like this either...I was here for some advice on how to apologize properly and reconcile with him. Obviously I didn't get any advice like that there was maybe one guy who said something like that but that's it most people are on their moral high horse acting like they are angels and never made any mistakes...

 

I told you to send him a card.

 

I also suggested this is a lost cause.

 

Sadly for you this is one of those teachable life moments. At 22 you are finally starting to realize that actions have consequences. You took an action -- being with another guy -- and the consequence is your now EX wants nothing to do with you.

 

Yes, that is a high price, but perhaps you won't cheat next time. I do believe people can learn from their mistakes.

[VintageWine]

Just saying, if you're going to try to find ways to apologize to him in hopes he's going to take you back or talk to you or whatever. Don't. Apologizes are nice and all, however, it's not going to fix what you already did. Just let him be. Giving him space and just letting him be will be enough. Just let him be. If in the future he contacts you, you're free to come on here and look for advice. But I highly doubt he will contact you.

[UltimatePanacea]

I am going to stop contacting him and pressuring him to forgive and get back to me that's for sure...I was talking to my friend and she suggested waiting for at least 2-3 months before giving up on all hopes. He may forgive me after all since he still has feelings for me and he never really broke up with me he just said he needed some time away from me to "figure things out"...I never let him have that time and space since I've been blowing up his phone inbox and all chatting apps with constant sorry and please forgive me...he's probably sick of me already...

Within those 2-3 months if he never contacts me I think i could try just one last time and if nothing then just delete his number and move on. But for now I am still hopeful just because he has told me during our last meet up and a follow up conversation...he said that though we just started dating it was still very painful to find out about my affair, but he knows I cut ties with the other guy completely and that I am truly sorry...he said that he still had feelings for me and that he was really attracted to me and he could see some time reconciling wth me but it would have to take a long time if ever...

 

Honestly if I was cheated on and the guy stopped trying for me after a few weeks of apologizing I would think that he wasn't that serious about his feelings anyway since he was so quick to get discouraged and walked away....but if the guy kept on trying for me not in a creepy stalking way like I am doing, but in a subtle yet persistent way showed some gestures and if I was still attracted to them I would reconsider my decision and might take him back...

[Redhead14]

I am going to stop contacting him and pressuring him to forgive and get back to me that's for sure...I was talking to my friend and she suggested waiting for at least 2-3 months before giving up on all hopes. He may forgive me after all since he still has feelings for me and he never really broke up with me he just said he needed some time away from me to "figure things out"...I never let him have that time and space since I've been blowing up his phone inbox and all chatting apps with constant sorry and please forgive me...he's probably sick of me already...

Within those 2-3 months if he never contacts me I think i could try just one last time and if nothing then just delete his number and move on. But for now I am still hopeful just because he has told me during our last meet up and a follow up conversation...he said that though we just started dating it was still very painful to find out about my affair, but he knows I cut ties with the other guy completely and that I am truly sorry...he said that he still had feelings for me and that he was really attracted to me and he could see some time reconciling wth me but it would have to take a long time if ever...

 

Honestly if I was cheated on and the guy stopped trying for me after a few weeks of apologizing I would think that he wasn't that serious about his feelings anyway since he was so quick to get discouraged and walked away....but if the guy kept on trying for me not in a creepy stalking way like I am doing, but in a subtle yet persistent way showed some gestures and if I was still attracted to them I would reconsider my decision and might take him back...

 

Honestly if I was cheated on . . .

I would reconsider my decision and might take him back...

 

Of course, YOU would. You have no morals, you wouldn't mind being with someone who doesn't either.

There is no way in hell I would take a man back who cheated on me. I couldn't live with the worry and wondering if/when he'd do it again. The eggshell walk would be deafening.

 

A strong woman who is secure in herself, wouldn't take someone's sloppy seconds . . . and neither would a strong, secure man . . . what I am saying is if he does take you back, there's something wrong with him too.

[Simon Phoenix]

What would make you take your cheating sorry ass ex back?

 

Nothing at all. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal of a romantic bond. You couldn't pay me to take someone back who did what you did, because what you did shows a complete lack of character, which is something you're continuing to show in this thread.

 

Only three pages in but sorry, you're a selfish nightmare. Cheating, blameshifting, showing lack of boundaries and lack of any respect for his wishes, just bad stuff.

 

He slept with you because he wanted a parting bang for the road.

[VintageWine]

Honestly if I was cheated on and the guy stopped trying for me after a few weeks of apologizing I would think that he wasn't that serious about his feelings anyway since he was so quick to get discouraged and walked away....but if the guy kept on trying for me not in a creepy stalking way like I am doing, but in a subtle yet persistent way showed some gestures and if I was still attracted to them I would reconsider my decision and might take him back...

 

What you're doing isn't okay whatsoever. Just stop already with the bullsh*t. Stop. Your ex is of course trying to practice some form of NC. What you're doing is just bothering him when he wants nothing to do with you.

 

If a man or a woman stops contacting you after a breakup, matter of fact after they cheated on you. Take it as a good thing. You don't ever take someone back after they cheated on you. No one on this earth is a welcome home mat. Believe me, if you got cheated on, no matter how many times the person apologize, oh wouldn't want to go back. You wouldn't want to be questioning every single word they tell you, wondering if he is being truthful or not.

 

You're saying this as if it's all rainbows and unicorns when it is not. You seriously need to get a grip and wake up. Cheating is betraying, if you're going to lower yourself that low just to be with someone.

Edited February 29, 2016 by VintageWine

[Simon Phoenix]

I know I made a big mistake, but doesn't everyone make mistakes? Why couldn't he just forgive and try again? He obviously still has feelings for me from what he's told me last week when we met, then why couldn't he get over his bruised ego?

 

This is why I have no sympathy for you. You sound like the biggest piece of s--t in the world when you write crap like this. You feel entitled to him forgiving you for you stabbing him in the back? WHAT THE F--K IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? Making yourself out to be a victim in this situation is so descipable and wrong that I don't even know where to start.

 

He doesn't owe you a thing. This whole situation is 100 percent your fault and your doing. He is not obligated to do you any favors, so stop the self-indulgent, entitled, spoiled, woe-is-me pity part. You sound like an a--hole.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well that decent guy everybody's protecting now wouldn't care if we didn't see each other for weeks because he was so busy with work and trips and family drama...I felt lonely and bored with an unmotivated man though I liked him more than the guy i cheated with at least the other guy would make effort to see me regularly without whining about his tight schedule or that he had to do all the driving. I am much younger than my ex so he should've known that I need some fun and some attention...

As for why I still hold on to hope is cause he gives me mixed signals. Last week we got together had sex talked about seeing each other again he even talked about his issues with his boss and father...I thought we were making a step forward but then the next day he shut down again taking 3 steps back...

 

Grow up. Seriously.

[Satu]

Click > Thump > Bang.

 

 

(The sound of Satu ejecting from this thread.)

[d0nnivain]

...I never let him have that time and space since I've been blowing up his phone inbox and all chatting apps with constant sorry and please forgive me...he's probably sick of me already...

 

Honestly if I was cheated on and the guy stopped trying for me after a few weeks of apologizing I would think that he wasn't that serious about his feelings anyway since he was so quick to get discouraged and walked away....but if the guy kept on trying for me not in a creepy stalking way like I am doing, but in a subtle yet persistent way showed some gestures and if I was still attracted to them I would reconsider my decision and might take him back...

 

 

Everything you say here screams that you are not mature enough to merit reconciliation.

 

 

He's older then you. When you were unhappy instead of communicating with him or dumping him, you cheated on him. You took the coward's way out of dealing with your problem. Failing to address his lack of time for you in an adult way is what got you into this. Blowing up his phone & chasing after him doesn't help your cause. While you a 22 year old girl think that behavior is "subtle yet persistent" and not stalkerish, you are wrong. You are sending him the message that you are unstable. By failing to adhere to his request for space, you continue to tell him you only care about what you want & nothing about what he wants: space or fidelity.

 

 

The more you chase the less likely you are going to get what you want.

[VintageWine]

Take it from someone who didn't obey when someone asked for space. My ex boyfriend of 7 months last year asked me for space and I already knew that a breakup of some sort was going to happen, however, that's besides the point. My point is that I didn't respect his decision for space. I kept prying at him, demanding answers, being controlling and all, me prying at him and all just made the breakup happen even faster. Even though I knew a breakup was coming, I should have respected his decision for space, regardless if he's now my ex or whatever. When someone asks for space, there's always a reason behind it, I think their boundaries should be respected.

 

I also did the whole texting him after the breakup, begging him to come back to me and just give me a second chance. I may not know what was going through his head when I did that, but I sure as hell knew that it didn't look good looking back at it.

 

Just stop.

[UltimatePanacea]

Fine! I'm out of here