How to win him back after I cheated?

[UltimatePanacea]

I've been violating the NC all this time -- You've been violating this guy for three months in every way possible. OMG! If you were truly repentent and feeling shame, you'd be under a rock for the next 2 to 3 weeks. If he wants to reconcile, let it be his decision without pressure and without being influenced by the sex.

 

Don't disgrace yourself any further.

 

The only way to recover from a "fall from grace" is to start being graceful and maintaining it. Live these next few weeks as the "new person" you think you can be. Be respectful, patient and accepting. In other words, deal wid it . . .

You are right, I need to remove myself from his life for at least a month. Maybe he will forgive me by then or miss me...

[UltimatePanacea]

Why on God's green earth can't you just leave him alone? Just leave him alone, don't drive by his house. Leave.him.alone. Seriously. omg girl

I am going to leave him alone, but I am going to still try for him maybe a month later or so because I really like him...I know you guys think I am the worst person for what I've done, but I truly regret, everyone can make mistakes and as long as they are regretful they should be forgiven...I know if he had slept with someone else/had an affair I would act the same way but eventually would take him back if I cared enough...though we've been together for only 6 months and we are not married or officially committed to each other, maybe he will reassess this whole thing and figure that it is not even worth it...only time will show.

[Redhead14]

You are right, I need to remove myself from his life for at least a month. Maybe he will forgive me by then or miss me...

 

Sweetie, don't do this because you are hoping he will come back. Do it for yourself in order to start really focusing on your behavior and realizing that you have a ton of work to do to fix yourself. I'm telling you, that even if he comes back, you are not going to be able to fix or have a healthy relationship with him because you do not have a healthy relationship with yourself. You don't understand the boundaries of other people and you don't have boundaries for yourself nor do you have adequate relationship development skills.

Edited February 29, 2016 by Redhead14

[UltimatePanacea]

Sweetie, don't do this because you are hoping he will come back. Do it for yourself in order to start really focusing on your behavior and realizing that you have a ton of work to do to fix yourself. I'm telling you, that even if he comes back, you are not going to be able to fix or have a healthy relationship with him because you do not have a healthy relationship with yourself. You don't understand the boundaries of other people and you don't have boundaries for yourself nor do you have adequate relationship development skills.

Well I get it, I screwed up and it may never be forgiven/forgotten, but don't men do this all the time? Especially in new relationships where they are still "keeping their options open"? Women forgive all the time, but when we cheat it's all of a sudden a deadly sin. Heck, even some women do the dating rotation until they are sure what they want. I was just trying to keep my options open and there was no ring/promise from him to make me feel like I was in a relationship with him.

Edited February 29, 2016 by UltimatePanacea

[UltimatePanacea]

Well I get it, I screwed up and it may never be forgiven/forgotten, but don't men do this all the time? Especially in new relationships where they are still "keeping their options open"? Women forgive all the time, but when we cheat it's all of a sudden a deadly sin. Heck, even some women do the dating rotation until they are sure what they want. I was just trying to keep my options open and there was no ring/promise from him to make me feel like I was in a relationship with him.I felt single and acted accordingly.

And now everybody's throwing the stones at me, I'm the monster, the devil, the mentally unstable...when a guy cheats, society takes it easier, he's just a man, he can't help it, right? But when a woman does the same thing she's just evil and does not deserve forgiveness under no conditions. I think it's unfair...

[Redhead14]

Well I get it, I screwed up and it may never be forgiven/forgotten, but don't men do this all the time? Especially in new relationships where they are still "keeping their options open"? Women forgive all the time, but when we cheat it's all of a sudden a deadly sin. Heck, even some women do the dating rotation until they are sure what they want. I was just trying to keep my options open and there was no ring/promise from him to make me feel like I was in a relationship with him.I felt single and acted accordingly.

And now everybody's throwing the stones at me, I'm the monster, the devil, the mentally unstable...when a guy cheats, society takes it easier, he's just a man, he can't help it, right? But when a woman does the same thing she's just evil and does not deserve forgiveness under no conditions. I think it's unfair...

 

Men who declare exclusivity with a woman and then have sex with other women, are man-whores. If you declare exclusivity with someone, it means you will not be intimate with someone else unless you decide to move on FIRST.

 

And now everybody's throwing the stones at me-- REALLY!!!!!! THIS IS NOT ABOUT WHAT EVERYONE ELSE THINKS IS OK FOR A MAN TO DO!!!!! THIS IS ABOUT WHAT A MATURE, SECURE, HONEST, FORTHRIGHT PERSON OF CHARACTER DOES -- THEY DON'T CHEAT.

[MidwestUSA]

What's going on ? I started reading your past posts and thread. Have you only been dating 6 months? Did you really accuse him of giving you a STD because you where in an exclusive relationship, but now he knows you where cheating. Check out post number 8 on one of your other threads http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/567605-he-won-t-talk-me-after-fight#post6755400.

 

Well. Mind blown.

[PinkElephants]

Heck, even some women do the dating rotation until they are sure what they want.

Absolutely; I've done the dating rotation. I was seeing guy A and guy B, guy A had a fwb that he was with until he got emotionally invested in me and ended it, guy B met other women and occasionally took them out. The thing is, we all knew about it. There was no lying or dishonesty. You lied; the situation is completely different.

 

I was just trying to keep my options open and there was no ring/promise from him to make me feel like I was in a relationship with him.I felt single and acted accordingly.

You're lying again. You called him your boyfriend. You said you dated for 6 months. There was clearly a commitment that you're minimizing in an attempt to justify your crappy decision making.

 

I'm a little confused on why he slept with me after all that and why he said that it wasn't absolutely over...does he still think that maybe he would change his mind about me?

He slept with you because it was easier than finding someone else. I've slept with an ex before; he knew what I liked in bed, he was willing and I didn't have to put on makeup or pants to go out and meet him.

 

He may not have decided yet that It's absolutely over but, as was previously stated, he probably knows that you're not a good choice for a girlfriend and is slow to make the emotions match the logic.

 

Has anyone been forgiven/forgave their cheating ex???

Yes, but forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. I completely forgive my cheating ex. In fact, I'm somewhat relieved that he committed a non-negotiable deal breaker because I might have otherwise wasted years in a mediocre relationship. Instead, I cut myself free and had some crazy fun that ended in meeting the man I love.

 

So, yes, I forgive him but I'd never, ever take him back.

 

 

Well I get it, I screwed up and it may never be forgiven/forgotten, but don't men do this all the time? Especially in new relationships where they are still "keeping their options open"? Women forgive all the time, but when we cheat it's all of a sudden a deadly sin... And now everybody's throwing the stones at me, I'm the monster, the devil, the mentally unstable...when a guy cheats, society takes it easier, he's just a man, he can't help it, right? But when a woman does the same thing she's just evil and does not deserve forgiveness under no conditions. I think it's unfair...

Holy temper tantrum. I don't know how old you are but, surely, you're out of preschool and too old for foot stomping. Let's bring the drama down a notch because it's irrational and unattractive.

 

Stones are being thrown not because you're a woman but because you blame his job for your lack of self-control, you couldn't even last an entire season of "Friends" before cheating, you're disrespecting his need for space, you're disrespecting his choice to make the responsible decision to leave a liar, you're rewriting history in order to come out smelling better, and you seem unhinged.

 

Get a grip and start acting like a lady. Stop making so many excuses and have a bit of class and self-respect so you don't do this to the next guy.

[VintageWine]

Well I get it, I screwed up and it may never be forgiven/forgotten, but don't men do this all the time? Especially in new relationships where they are still "keeping their options open"? Women forgive all the time, but when we cheat it's all of a sudden a deadly sin. Heck, even some women do the dating rotation until they are sure what they want. I was just trying to keep my options open and there was no ring/promise from him to make me feel like I was in a relationship with him.I felt single and acted accordingly.

And now everybody's throwing the stones at me, I'm the monster, the devil, the mentally unstable...when a guy cheats, society takes it easier, he's just a man, he can't help it, right? But when a woman does the same thing she's just evil and does not deserve forgiveness under no conditions. I think it's unfair...

 

Take a look at all the other treads about people who cheat, from both men and women who cheat, people say the same sh*t, so don't even bring this to the table, it's bullsh*t and you know it.

 

And when I said to leave him alone, I mean it. Don't leave him alone for a while and go running back, leave him alone for good, let him heal, let him move on, don't bother contacting him. Obviously he's going to miss you, he isn't going to forget how he felt when he find out that you cheated on him, not once but twice!

 

Please, don't bother contacting him. I get it, you love him but you should have thought about that before deciding to cheat on him.

[brandon26003]

This irritates the living crap out of me. If I, a 35 year old man, posted on here that I cheated on my girlfriend and want her back, everyone on here would be bashing me. Now that a female posted something like this, everyone is trying to give her advice and not being too rude. Double standard?

 

Not to be rude, but you deserve what you get.

 

Rant over.

[UltimatePanacea]

Ok, I get it, leave him alone let him heal you don't deserve him...and what do I do if he contacts me all of a sudden? Act all warm and receptive or what?

[Redhead14]

This irritates the living crap out of me. If I, a 35 year old man, posted on here that I cheated on my girlfriend and want her back, everyone on here would be bashing me. Now that a female posted something like this, everyone is trying to give her advice and not being too rude. Double standard?

 

Not to be rude, but you deserve what you get.

 

Rant over.

 

You must be reading a different thread. She is being bashed and big time. And, now that you are here opening your big mouth, if you were cheating and posted here, we'd ask you how being a man-whore was working for you?

 

Rant over.

[VintageWine]

Ok, I get it, leave him alone let him heal you don't deserve him...and what do I do if he contacts me all of a sudden? Act all warm and receptive or what?

 

You seriously need to give this a rest.

 

I highly doubt he'll contact you.

 

Delete his number, delete whatever form of contact you have of him is a start.

[Sipping]

Ok, I get it, leave him alone let him heal you don't deserve him...and what do I do if he contacts me all of a sudden? Act all warm and receptive or what?

 

You came here for help so i hope you get some good advice and not alot of roasting. The best thing you should do is give him some breathing space ok. you need it as well because you do want him back. take some time apart and if he does message you well you can always come here for advice. if he messages you and says he needs time or does not want to be with you all you can do is respect his decision.

 

If he wants something else then you should know the approach. But your gonna need to move on as well. so if he does not contact you in a while you should message him . tell him your sorry, you really wanted to make things right and start over( if your sincere ofcourse) but if he doesnt want to be with you anymore you respect his decision and you wish him the best. And you move on from there. Ik its a bit corny but theres not much more you can do or say.

[Wewon]

This irritates the living crap out of me. If I, a 35 year old man, posted on here that I cheated on my girlfriend and want her back, everyone on here would be bashing me. Now that a female posted something like this, everyone is trying to give her advice and not being too rude. Double standard?

 

Not to be rude, but you deserve what you get.

 

Rant over.

 

This is a very strange post.

 

Most people are coming down pretty hard on her, most of the advice is for her to move on and leave him alone.

[SSJROMANCE]

Once you betray someone at that level it is extremely hard to get that trust back. You must show remorse in every form possible. You must work hard at explaining your feelings pertaining to WHY it happened and why it will never happen again. You must work hard building up that trust as trust is the foundation of any relationship. If you don't have trust you have nothing. Even the whitest lie going forward is a really bad thing.

 

I can tell you from experience. My wife lied about things extremely important to me. After lie after lie after lie and after the trickle truths ended I told her I would not tolerate another lie again. Years went by and she slowly built up that trust again. But then one day found out that she had an emotional affair on Facebook and hid it. Once again - lie after lie after lie. At the end of the day all that trust that took years to build up came crashing down and we started at ground zero once again.

 

Good luck.

[Redhead14]

Ok, I get it, leave him alone let him heal you don't deserve him...and what do I do if he contacts me all of a sudden? Act all warm and receptive or what?

 

Act all warm and receptive or what?-- You've done enough acting already. If he contacts you, you tell him that you cannot live with yourself and subject him to a relationship filled with insecurity and anxiety. You tell him that you you are sorry for your behavior and need to reflect on and focus on becoming a strong, secure, independent woman with integrity, grace and dignity. And would not disgrace herself further by bringing an incomplete woman to a man's table.

[UltimatePanacea]

You came here for help so i hope you get some good advice and not alot of roasting. The best thing you should do is give him some breathing space ok. you need it as well because you do want him back. take some time apart and if he does message you well you can always come here for advice. if he messages you and says he needs time or does not want to be with you all you can do is respect his decision.

 

If he wants something else then you should know the approach. But your gonna need to move on as well. so if he does not contact you in a while you should message him . tell him your sorry, you really wanted to make things right and start over( if your sincere ofcourse) but if he doesnt want to be with you anymore you respect his decision and you wish him the best. And you move on from there. Ik its a bit corny but theres not much more you can do or say.

well i've already tried all the texting/calling/e-mailing, he accepts the apologies, but says he cannot forgive me now and there's nothing I can do to change it. That is why I was thinking of a different gesture, maybe driving to his place or maybe get handful of white chalk and say I'm sorry on his porch...I don't know, I'm just so depressed and don't want to let him go. I will try to give him space and follow the NC rules though it's super hard and painful and I find millions of excuses to shoot another text, but I cannot violate his space any longer...I know I made a big mistake, but doesn't everyone make mistakes? Why couldn't he just forgive and try again? He obviously still has feelings for me from what he's told me last week when we met, then why couldn't he get over his bruised ego? It may take several months or even a year, I don't care...I just want to get back our times together, I don't want to start over with someone new am just not interested in anyone new..he's all I want

[VintageWine]

I made a big mistake, but doesn't everyone make mistakes? Why couldn't he just forgive and try again? He obviously still has feelings for me from what he's told me last week when we met, then why couldn't he get over his bruised ego? It may take several months or even a year, I don't care...I just want to get back our times together, I don't want to start over with someone new am just not interested in anyone new..he's all I want

 

You don't get it, do you? You betrayed him, get that into your thick skull. You broke his trust. You did so much TWICE. Not once but twice.

 

And asking why he can't get over his bruised ego? really? I mean really are you that delusional?

[UltimatePanacea]

You don't get it, do you? You betrayed him, get that into your thick skull. You broke his trust. You did so much TWICE. Not once but twice.

 

And asking why he can't get over his bruised ego? really? I mean really are you that delusional?

What do you mean twice?

[WomenWubber]

I think it would be in your best interest to leave that perosn alone for the time being, for his sanity and yours. When you wrong someone that level, they are more likely to retaliate with aggression and sometimes violence.

 

I would say let a couple of months pass and respond if he contacts you. You can try to reach out to him one last time if he hasn't by then. Chances are you will have to let this one go and so you should if that's what he wants.

[VintageWine]

What do you mean twice?

 

It's either I'm mistaking someone cheating twice or confusing the threads.

 

Either way, I don't care. You're thinking about his bruised ego, it's not his ego, you don't betray someone and expect sh*t to be peaches. Just cause he has feelings for you, doesn't mean he has to take you back. You should have thought about all of this before going off and cheating, but you didn't

[Redhead14]

I hope he does take you back. Think about having every move you make being monitored, every word you say being questioned, every text being questioned, every phone call monitored, having to check in when you go somewhere, how much gas is in your car in the morning and how much is there at the end of the day. Good luck wid dat. And, now, think about how much energy and anxiety exists inside him while that's all happening. Go ahead, be selfish . . .

 

If you want to show him you love him, you will save him from all that. Wear his shoes for awhile . . .

Edited February 29, 2016 by Redhead14

[MidwestUSA]

What do you mean twice?

 

Call it what you want, but you accused HIM of giving you an STI when YOU were the one sleeping around! How do you think he views that in retrospect?

 

What on earth led you to do that? During YOUR affair! Straight out of a cheater's handbook. smh

[VintageWine]

I hope he does take you back. Think about having every move you make being monitored, every word you say being questioned, every text being questioned, every phone call monitored, having to check in when you go somewhere, how much gas is in your car in the morning and how much is there at the end of the day. Good luck wid dat. And, now, think about how much energy and anxiety exists inside him while that's all happening. Go ahead, be selfish . . .

 

 

This so much. You want him back and you think it's going to be easy, it's not. You're going to have to walk around on eggshells with him if he did take you back. Believe me, I may be coming off as a bit*h because of the brutal honesty and I don't mean to crush your spirits, I really don't. I just can't stand it when people do things like this and wonder what's going on afterwards. I don't know if you're really thinking about everything deeply.

 

Take it from me who had to deal with trust issues, your partner will walk around wondering what are you doing, are you really going here or are you going there, who is she talking to. The trust won't be the same, the relationship won't be the same. You're thinking of the good things only, which is fine to a certain extent but I don't think you're thinking about the whole picture.

 

And this is also why I don't date people with trust issues, I know, that probably sounds harsh. However, I don't want to be with someone that's going to think I have some ulterior motive, that's going to question if I'm being honest or not. It's not that I don't wan to prove it to them, I just don't want to be around someone that's a ticking time bomb like that with trust issues.

 

And this topic just upsets me in general because there are some people out there when it comes to dating, they can't trust the person because something like this happened to them in their past. I'm not saying their feelings and such aren't valid, I'm saying I just don't want to put up with trust issues and I doubt you would want someone questioning your motives, however, if he did take you back...can you really blame him? I mean, yes, cause he made a decision to take you back, however after what you did. Yeah.

Edited February 29, 2016 by VintageWine