just a question about past

[jj]

i asked my girlfriend how many partners she had in past..got pretty uncomfortable.....so what do u think?

[Miss Mojo]

hi jj,

 

speaking from experience, i have to say that it is not important to know how many people your partner has been with. i know that your curiousity might get the better of you, but what happens if you don't like what you hear?

 

the past is exactly that - the past. whether she has had 5 one-night stands or 5 boyfriends that she has slept with, is pretty irrelevant. she is with you now, and if you have a really good relationship, then keep it at that.

 

i know some people who have a pretty checkered past, but who are now capable of (and want) a steady long-term relationship.

 

what is important though, is that you are both looking for the same thing from this relationship. a person could have had numerous sexual partners then realise that they'd rather be in a relationship than have casual sex, and vice-versa.

 

like i said, don't let your curiousity get the better of you here. it's very easy for people to get upset when they hear of their partners past and make harsh judgments about it and that person. it is not right to judge someone on their past if they are not behaving that way now (not that i'm saying you are, i just hope you don't).

 

as long as you know where you stand with this girl, as long as you are both disease free, then don't worry about her past. if her past was important, she wouldn't be with you now. a persons past does not speak for how they are NOW.

[sparkle]

Don't ask her that again. Be mature enough not to ask her. It's none of your business.

 

What you SHOULD ask her is this: Have you gotten checked out for STD's and when?

 

That's the only thing you need to know.

 

Why exactly do you want to know anyway?

[Tony T]

For what purpose do you ask? Is she a businesswoman...or were you wondering how many people she had sex with? Why is that information important to you? What do you plan to do with it? How will it make your relationship with her better? Will your life be better for knowing this? Will the world be a better place? Are you doing some sort of research for the census bureau? Are you being just nosey?

 

If I were her, I would stop dating someone who lacked the class to know this was a highly inappropriate question. I'm sorry she found you. She felt uncomfortable because after you asked that question, she realized what a dork she was with. She was embarassed because she had used such poor judgement in deciding on you as a boyfriend.

 

Now if you are between the ages of 12 and 14, I give you some handicap because you probably didn't know this was wrong...but now you do. I hope you will apologize to her. Just count it as a learning experience.

[Laurynn]

I really can understand why you'd ask, but I can tell you from past experience, it's best not to know. Like the saying goes, "don't ask the question unless you know you can live with the answer."

 

In the distant past, I did ask my boyfriends at the time how many partners they had. One of them was the guy I ended up marrying. He told me he'd been with 15 women before me. Now knowing that he probably underestimated that # (I think most guys do when divulging that kind of info to an inquisiting g/f), that sort of grossed me out. At the time, he was only the 2nd guy I'd been with. It always made me wonder, from that point on, how I 'rated' in terms of the other women he'd been with..was I good? worse? ....started comparing myself to them in my mind. I later wished I'd never asked.

 

It's too easy to judge someone when they disclose the #, and taint your opinion of them. Some people have a wild past, but it's way in the past...and they've settled down and grown up since.....so that # really doesn't indicate all that much, in terms of the current picture.

 

Laurynn

[Laurynn]

Don't you think you were just a little teensy weensy bit harsh here? :-)

 

"If I were her, I would stop dating someone who lacked the class to know this was a highly inappropriate question. I'm sorry she found you. She felt uncomfortable because after you asked that question, she realized what a dork she was with. She was embarassed because she had used such poor judgement in deciding on you as a boyfriend."

 

Give the guy a break! Maybe he's young and didn't realize what an awkward question it was. Maybe up until her, he's been a virgin, and was simply curious as to how many people she'd been with (read: how much more experience she has than him). Hey, clinics that teach people about safe sex and STD risks, encourage people to ask their partner how many partners they've had. I swear to God!

 

Some people are a little insecure when it comes to their sexual abilities......so they "ask" because they want to know what they're up against. I think it's a human thing to do, we're all curious to some extent. I don't think that makes us dorks, not worth dating, embarassments, poor choices in partners.

 

L

[Tony T]

You're right. Maybe I was a little hard on the guy.

 

But never once in all the time I've dated, and have done lots, have I ever wondered for even a second how many sex partners a lady had. Even when I was very young, this was just not important to me. I am sitting here now just working my brain to death trying to figure out why that would be important.

 

The only thing that would be important to me in the initial stages of dating is if the person was really female or not. Nowdays, you have to ask that. I've seen a lot of talk shows where some guys made really beautiful girls. I saw one show where this guy had been dating this "person" for eight months...and the secret this "person" had to share was that this person was really a guy. (You should have seen the fight) Now, I've never quite been able to figure out how you discretely you ask someone if they are really female.

 

I do think it is very appropriate once a relationship gets to the stage where sex is contemplated to ask if they've had the appropriate tests and examinations. Maybe one day they'll have a home test and you can just ask your partner to go into the bathroom and bring you back a cupfull for testing. There's a lot of that type of thing in drugstores these days.

 

But I still think it is just plain lame to ask anyone how many sex partners they've had. I mean it's dumb. I can certainly understand why this girl was uncomfortable.

 

If you will re-read my post, I did say that if this guy was in his early teens, I would certainly let him slide a little. But I guess they just don't teach class or appropriateness to young people like they used to.

 

Sorry for being so harsh.

[Miss Mojo]

youch, that would be one shock to the system. it would be like your own personal 'crying game'.

 

i noted your statement(s):

 

But never once in all the time I've dated, and have done lots, have I ever wondered for even a second how many sex partners a lady had. Even when I was very young, this was just not important to me. I am sitting here now just working my brain to death trying to figure out why that would be important.

 

i think a lot of the time when people ask, it's just sheer curiousity. they don't realise they may not be able to handle the answer given to them until it's too late.

 

i have been guilty of being curious in the past. it wasn't important to know, it was just plain old curiousity - and i didn't like what i heard (mainly because when we started going out he told me it had been 2 people, then 3 years later he told me he'd been with 8. hmmmm....go figure). damn, i learnt my lesson.

 

i have to say tony, you are the first person i have ever come across who has not been curious. i know a lot of people who wonder, but do not ask (wise move).

 

i agree with you though, testing is important, even if someone tells you they've only been with one person, because even then, you have only their word. i'd rather a test result and if it was all clear, i wouldn't give a damn how many people he'd been with if i knew the guy was serious about me and only me.

[jj]

hi jj, speaking from experience, i have to say that it is not important to know how many people your partner has been with. i know that your curiousity might get the better of you, but what happens if you don't like what you hear? the past is exactly that - the past. whether she has had 5 one-night stands or 5 boyfriends that she has slept with, is pretty irrelevant. she is with you now, and if you have a really good relationship, then keep it at that. i know some people who have a pretty checkered past, but who are now capable of (and want) a steady long-term relationship. what is important though, is that you are both looking for the same thing from this relationship. a person could have had numerous sexual partners then realise that they'd rather be in a relationship than have casual sex, and vice-versa. like i said, don't let your curiousity get the better of you here. it's very easy for people to get upset when they hear of their partners past and make harsh judgments about it and that person. it is not right to judge someone on their past if they are not behaving that way now (not that i'm saying you are, i just hope you don't).

 

as long as you know where you stand with this girl, as long as you are both disease free, then don't worry about her past. if her past was important, she wouldn't be with you now. a persons past does not speak for how they are NOW.

[jj]

thank you very much for your imput....very much appreacited!!!

[jj]

Don't ask her that again. Be mature enough not to ask her. It's none of your business. What you SHOULD ask her is this: Have you gotten checked out for STD's and when? That's the only thing you need to know. Why exactly do you want to know anyway?

[jj]

Don't ask her that again. Be mature enough not to ask her. It's none of your business. What you SHOULD ask her is this: Have you gotten checked out for STD's and when? That's the only thing you need to know. Why exactly do you want to know anyway? well it was kind of a conversation where we,talking about past realations...and me being straight foreward with an {obvously a dumb qestion} just was said...its not like i need to know at all...dose not matter to me... it was a long time ago.we are both comming out of 15 year marriges. and she has been a very close friend of mine 4 alot of those years, and she was monagamos in her marrage...thats is 1 of many reasons why i love her so much...thany 4 your imput

[jj]

For what purpose do you ask? Is she a businesswoman...or were you wondering how many people she had sex with? Why is that information important to you? What do you plan to do with it? How will it make your relationship with her better? Will your life be better for knowing this? Will the world be a better place? Are you doing some sort of research for the census bureau? Are you being just nosey?

 

If I were her, I would stop dating someone who lacked the class to know this was a highly inappropriate question. I'm sorry she found you. She felt uncomfortable because after you asked that question, she realized what a dork she was with. She was embarassed because she had used such poor judgement in deciding on you as a boyfriend. well tony i was kind of a back and forth conversation..like you know every thing bout me and my past,but yours should b a mistery.thank you 4 your responce. p.s.as far as working 4 the u.s goverment..i'm part native american:don't think i would make a good employee...thanx again Now if you are between the ages of 12 and 14, I give you some handicap because you probably didn't know this was wrong...but now you do. I hope you will apologize to her. Just count it as a learning experience.

[jj]

I really can understand why you'd ask, but I can tell you from past experience, it's best not to know. Like the saying goes, "don't ask the question unless you know you can live with the answer." In the distant past, I did ask my boyfriends at the time how many partners they had. One of them was the guy I ended up marrying. He told me he'd been with 15 women before me. Now knowing that he probably underestimated that # (I think most guys do when divulging that kind of info to an inquisiting g/f), that sort of grossed me out. At the time, he was only the 2nd guy I'd been with. It always made me wonder, from that point on, how I 'rated' in terms of the other women he'd been with..was I good? worse? ....started comparing myself to them in my mind. I later wished I'd never asked. It's too easy to judge someone when they disclose the #, and taint your opinion of them. Some people have a wild past, but it's way in the past...and they've settled down and grown up since.....so that # really doesn't indicate all that much, in terms of the current picture.

 

Laurynn thanx again...it was in a conversation...about both of our past's...and it just came out....didn't mean any thing bye it, it just happened ...must b the italian in me.ask and think later...thanx again

[WGirl]

I think that is an awkward topic. If you hear something you really didn't want to know, it could jeopardize your current relationship. Leave the past in the past. As long as she is clean of stds and you know it for a fact, don't ask about details. I have a limited sexual past but I still don't like to be asked that question. I have found out info about men I dated(they volunteered the info, I didn't ask) that I didn't find too peachy, it did change my view of them. I think it is an awkward subject.

i asked my girlfriend how many partners she had in past..got pretty uncomfortable.....so what do u think?