Judgemental friend

[Angel29]

I went out last night and my friends tried to set me up with a guy who is in his late 30s and still lives with his parents. I live with my parents but said I don't want a guy who lives with his parents as there would be no privacy. My 'friend' then kept saying "you have no right to comment'. I was infuriated as if I want to date someone who has their own place then I have the right to that opinion.

 

Then later I said I did not want to date a guy from the walking group we used to go to as they are a bit weird at the group. Now everyone thinks the people were weird in the group. This 'friend' again started saying "people might think we are weird", which I said "we are not though" then she got all defensive again. I don't know why she was acting all opinionated again.

 

I don't tell her that her opinions are wrong or comment on aspects of her life. I just feel like a constant battle and she won't accept that people do have a differing opinion. I think she feels threatened by me since a mutual friend let slip that her fiance tried to pursue me before they got together.

[preraph]

Well, that's your answer. She wants you coupled up as soon as possible. Probably doesn't trust her man. Tell her to butt out, that you'll find your own dates.

 

And yeah, don't date a guy who's living with his parents unless he's at least had a few years living on his own so you know he can do it.

[whichwayisup]

I went out last night and my friends tried to set me up with a guy who is in his late 30s and still lives with his parents. I live with my parents but said I don't want a guy who lives with his parents as there would be no privacy. My 'friend' then kept saying "you have no right to comment'. I was infuriated as if I want to date someone who has their own place then I have the right to that opinion.

 

She has a point but so do you. Agree to disagree.

Then later I said I did not want to date a guy from the walking group we used to go to as they are a bit weird at the group. Now everyone thinks the people were weird in the group. This 'friend' again started saying "people might think we are weird", which I said "we are not though" then she got all defensive again. I don't know why she was acting all opinionated again.

Seems your opinion is what counts and you discredit hers. Also maybe people think you two ARE weird but who cares if they do! Neither of you know what others think so to assume you are right/she is wrong or vice versa, is wrong on both counts.

 

Why are you allowed an opinion and she isn't? I think that's why she's defensive.

 

I don't tell her that her opinions are wrong or comment on aspects of her life. I just feel like a constant battle and she won't accept that people do have a differing opinion. I think she feels threatened by me since a mutual friend let slip that her fiance tried to pursue me before they got together.

It's possible you both aren't understanding each other and assuming the worst too.

[MissCongeniality]

I went out last night and my friends tried to set me up with a guy who is in his late 30s and still lives with his parents. I live with my parents but said I don't want a guy who lives with his parents as there would be no privacy. My 'friend' then kept saying "you have no right to comment'. I was infuriated as if I want to date someone who has their own place then I have the right to that opinion.

 

Then later I said I did not want to date a guy from the walking group we used to go to as they are a bit weird at the group. Now everyone thinks the people were weird in the group. This 'friend' again started saying "people might think we are weird", which I said "we are not though" then she got all defensive again. I don't know why she was acting all opinionated again.

 

I don't tell her that her opinions are wrong or comment on aspects of her life. I just feel like a constant battle and she won't accept that people do have a differing opinion. I think she feels threatened by me since a mutual friend let slip that her fiance tried to pursue me before they got together.

It sounds like you are being too picky her saying "you have no right to comment" was probably meant to be taken as "you have no right to judge" also you saying you want to have that option sounds like you just want a guy with a place so you can move out and in with him.

 

She also said "people might think we are weird" basically it sounds like she's calling you out on your hypocrisy.

[whichwayisup]

If she is a good friend then have a conversation about this, including the fiance thing, if you aren't interested in her fiance then tell her this and maybe things will get better and she'll be calmer around you.

[basil67]

Yes, you have the right to reject a guy because, like you, he lives at home. But you will find that a lot of people are bothered by hypocritical attitudes and those who are outspoken will call you out on it.

 

If you don't her calling you on your hypocrisy, either stop being a hypocrite or stop being her friend.

[basil67]

And yeah, don't date a guy who's living with his parents unless he's at least had a few years living on his own so you know he can do it.

 

Likewise, don't date a girl who hasn't had a few years living on her own. You don't know if she can manage living alone

[Angel29]

Thanks for your replies. I do understand where you are all coming from as it does seem hypocritical. I think it was when she said "you cannot comment" so it has highlighted more how judgey she is. It's just I dated someone years ago who lived at home and was a complete mummy's boy, it was hell for me.

 

What frustrated me more was all night she kept saying she knows all these singles guys she could set me up with and to seize every opportunity. Even though I didn't want to date some people she said I should.

 

She has not really done this before and I feel like she feels threatened after our friend made the comment about her fiancé being after me and is trying to couple me off quickly. I feel insulted that she would think I would interfere in her happiness now they are together. If anything it's him she should be worried about as he was dating other women 4 months after they were official.

 

I don't really like talking about dating yet her fiancé is the one who keeps asking about my dating and I find it intrusive.

[anika99]

OP I get why your friend's comments annoyed you and I agree that you have a right to your dating preferences whatever they may be. However there's a bit of the pot calling the kettle black going on here. You say your friend is judgemental yet she seems to see you as judgemental and I think you both might have valid opinions.

 

Just because you think the people in the walking group are weird doesn't mean that they are weird or that anyone else thinks they're weird. Just because you don't think you're weird doesn't mean nobody else thinks you're weird. For all you know the people in the walking club are saying to each other "hey how about that Angel29, wasn't she weird"? And if they were saying that, that wouldn't make it true. Be different doesn't equal weird. Just because you don't connect or relate to a group doesn't make the group weird.

 

As to all of this stuff about your friend is insecure and threatened and she wants to pair you off right away and you are insulted that she thinks you would interfere in her relationship, well that's all stuff you are assuming in your head. She hasn't said anything of that nature and you don't know what she thinks because you are not in her head and you haven't talked to her about it. When you start thinking (imagining) that you have some magical powers to know what someone else thinks or feels on a matter without so much as a discussion then you are likely to seriously damage your relationships based simply based on assumption and conjecture.

 

What I got from your friends comments is that she thinks you are too picky and judgemental when it comes to people but I could be wrong because I haven't talked to your friend about it either

[Cherryz]

Hm, lets dont mix things together that may have nothing to do with each other.

 

Her behavior may not have nothing to do with her partner wanted you before.

 

And everyone have a opinion. So do you. If you choose not to stand up for yours its your own fault.

If this is your friend then be a friend and have a conversation about this with her when you guys are chilling and in good mood.

Dont make it a group discussion. But just you and her.

 

It also look like you are insecure and dont want any friend or so to say anything that

dont agree with your life style or thinking, you will see them as enemy or judgmental right away. You need to get a thicker skin and if she not your friend stop the fake friendship. But realize that where ever you go people will or may have a opinion on you. You need to learn how to deal with it and stand your ground and work on your self esteem so you wont let peoples opinion effect you every time.

I agree with your friend. If you kind of same age as that guy and still living home, how can you comment on that as not something ok?

 

You want someone with his own home so you can go relay on him too after leaving your parents house which you relay on them too to provide a rove above your head? You sure have the right to choose and do your life, but it sound weird if thats how you think.