smackie9 Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 I thought my post was very supportive......you are just jumping to conclusions that everyone here is a d ouchebag....thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author waybackward Posted March 1, 2016 Author Share Posted March 1, 2016 Sorry. I didn't want to name names. Just a bit deflated. Yours was a response I read a few times and I was very grateful. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 3, 2016 Share Posted March 3, 2016 Tip: ignore what you don't find useful (it's a free forum you are going to get opinions) and respond to what you find helpful/insightful. I get this is a negative situation you are in, and it can be difficult to be positive. Letting the posts get to you just creates more negativity. Step away, relax, clear your head, come back to it with a fresh perspective, start again. Link to post Share on other sites
SparklingandBroken Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 In my experiences, "once a cheater, always a cheater" rings true. Being on a dating website when in a committed relationship, seems like you are seeking out narcissistic supply. Good for you for seeking out counseling, but I'm not sure it will do much repair to the relationship. You will have to be willing to provide full disclosure and access to your accounts and there will be times, even when things seemed to have healed, that old wounds will come to the surface. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author waybackward Posted March 4, 2016 Author Share Posted March 4, 2016 In my experiences, "once a cheater, always a cheater" rings true. Being on a dating website when in a committed relationship, seems like you are seeking out narcissistic supply. Good for you for seeking out counseling, but I'm not sure it will do much repair to the relationship. You will have to be willing to provide full disclosure and access to your accounts and there will be times, even when things seemed to have healed, that old wounds will come to the surface. Wrong Only a sith talks in absolutes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SparklingandBroken Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 Wrong Only a sith talks in absolutes. Says the guy who cheated on his girlfriend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 I have to say, the allegation that I was talking to "innocent young women" is grossly misinformed and a wild assumption. The two women I talked too were older than me and my partner. I sent them pics of my torso....for reasons stated. . You're seriously going to split that hair? Doesn't matter how old they were: YOU knew you were in a committed relationship that was 3 years old. THAT is the point here. Needless to say, there was something within you that when faced with either stopping yourself cold in your tracks once you were about to press the send button on the torso picture and in fact pressing the send button that told you it was OK to do this. There is no getting around that--and THAT is what you seem to be trying to hide behind pretty words about "complex human emotions" blah blah blah. I'm sorry but making those sorts of assumptions helps no one. I wasn't seeking out women to drool over. I certainly wasn't attracted to anyone else. It was, in a very immature selfish way, about me and poor self image I guess I'm not getting what sending pictures of your torso to strangers was going to do that being naked with your girlfriend for the past 3 years wasn't doing. Was she talking smack about what you looked like or something? Was she tearing your physical appearance down? What about being with her didn't make you feel as if you were enough? Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 I gotta say. The level of anger and bitterness here is really unhealthy. I don't think this would do me or anyone any good. Isn't that key? Doing good?. Maybe people don't appreciate you pissing on their heads and telling them it's raining. Pro tip: most people don't like for their intelligence to be insulted. Best advice given was to quit being so worried about trying to get her back and do some work drilling down into yourself to figure out why sending the pictures won out over the esteem, honor and feelings of this girl you claim to care for so deeply. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QueenElsa Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 If you wanted your relationship with your gf, why were you on a dating website in the first place? Right there was you opting in to cheat. What went off inside you to say, "this is okay. I can do this and it will be just fine." By the way, so many people that cheat, when confronted with their actual behaviour, like to attack the characters of those that point it out. You mention "bitterness" and "rage." Etc. We aren't here on your thread to reflect on our actions. We are here to provide you with opinions and advice on yours. Take it or leave it. YouTube awaits......I'm sure it will get you much farther with your gf. Plus, you have no children together, once you shatter and scar trust like this, there's really no point outside of kids to try and patch it up together again IMHO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 I understand the gut punching you feel from the reactions to your post. Remember, we ALL only know you from what YOU have said. I remember feeling as you do when I first came here over ten years ago. I thought people were being unkind. And yes, some were. But some gave me candid and helpful advice that hit me where I didn't want to be hit. And some of those who did are still individuals who I will PM when I need some advice. Having said that, I will give advice which I hope is helpful. I noticed that you are remorseful for being caught. That is natural. if she hadn't discovered the texts, then the odds are that there would have been more and perhaps even a meeting or two which may have led to sex. I know that is tough to believe, but if you had confessed to her, then we could say that you really are sorry for what you did. Most of us are sorry for being caught. I also noticed that you did what we all do too. You justified why you did what you did, and you minimized what you did. All this was probably not on purpose. I think you should ask yourself some tough questions. 1. Why do you think you would never do this again if you got back together with her? 2. How can you reassure her that you never will? 3. What can you do to keep from ever cheating on any girl again? 4. What made you do this in the first place? 5. Do you really love your gf, or do you now love her because she left you? 6. How will life be different for her and you if she comes back? Will she be able to trust you? After all the betrayals you have had, would YOU trust yourself? Think about it, my friend. This discovery by her may actually be a blessing in disguise for both of you. Three years together and no definite plans of marriage. Something needed to be addressed IMO. Welcome here, and may you find as many friends with great advice as I have. if you do, then you may be calling this the Hotel California instead of the Loveshack. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
QueenElsa Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 Maybe people don't appreciate you pissing on their heads and telling them it's raining. Pro tip: most people don't like for their intelligence to be insulted. Best advice given was to quit being so worried about trying to get her back and do some work drilling down into yourself to figure out why sending the pictures won out over the esteem, honor and feelings of this girl you claim to care for so deeply. Being "very sad" and "down in the dumps" doesn't tend to buy special protection here, because in general, of you tell us what you did...... ......you get a response based on that. I'm not sure that you are seeing bitterness and rage as much as you are seeing that not many are intrigued or sympathetic to your deep sadness. Having known the loss and scarring from cheating relationships, many of us cut through the bull right away. You know yourself that those who cheat can play remorseful and not truly mean it. Plus you seemed remorseful up until someone suggested one wrong assumption about your cheating. Then you unloaded. That doesn't strike me as remorseful. That strikes me as highly defensive. Those that opt to cheat seem to get stuck on three different tracks: Charm Self-pity Rage. When charm and self- pity wear out or aren't instantly received, they flip to rage. For some reason, it's about that narrow. When someone is remorseful, they are more willing to address their own behaviour, correct any misinformation and go from there. Because it really wasn't the big deal whether these women were older or younger. At all. The whole point was that this was calculated. And it very much was. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ferret Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 Wrong Only a sith talks in absolutes. You cheated on your GF dude do you really think making a mockery of that by quoting star wars is really a great idea? you say you want to make things better yet you get defensive when people place the blame or any shame on you for your own actions? Im sorry but that doesn't speak of a man who fully accepts responsibility for what hes done people who truly want to change and genuinely feel regret don't get defensive like that.. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 Wrong Only a sith talks in absolutes. As a Jungian , I find it very interesting that you should say that. It's good to listen to oneself. The part of yourself that made you do what did, resides in your 'shadow,' or 'dark side.' Dig deep and drag that part of yourself out into the daylight. Expect resistance... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lychee Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 Hopefully she is able to trust you again. Did you feel like what you were doing was/is cheating? Why did you choose to do it anyway? Take care, I know it can be harsh on here hopefully you're able to take it with a grain of salt and focus on the helpful replies to your post. Be well. Link to post Share on other sites
lychee Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Genuine questions, not judging. Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 Naturally, my gf was devastated. We had a solid 3 year relationship and the woman basically saved my life. Having been cheated on a lot by my ex before her, she really built me back up and believed in me. I'll only address this bit as I think others have already given you good feedback (I disagree that they sound bitter) You were cheated on before so you know exactly what it feels like, how hurtful it is, and the effect it has on the other person. And you still did it to this woman you claim to love....why on earth would you think you deserve anything from her, or why it's in her best interests to have anything at all to do with you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Damaged217 Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I am going through a ridiculously similar situation right now. In fact, I almost thought that you were my ex for a moment. He also claims to have poor self-esteem and feels ugly and gets his validation from other women. There were 2 times that I caught him using a dating site (the one we met on, no less) and he was messaging all sorts of women on there and texting a few. They were mostly innocent but then I found some really troubling ones. After going through his e-mail, I found a provocative photo of some whore that he emailed to another account. I found out later that he actually met up with this skank. I stupidly chose to give him another chance because he seemed repentant and I am too forgiving for my own good. Plus, we were having problems so I kind of blamed myself in some ways for not showing him enough physical attention. He claimed he would never do it again and yada yada yada. Well, after 2 months he met some woman at work, asked for her number and took her on a date. This led to a second date where he made out with her. I found all of this out on my own. He never confessed and when I found out, he continued to lie about what he was doing. He destroyed me. I've been cheated on by several men, but I really thought he would never do that to me. My brain still keeps trying to deny what he did. You have been cheated on. You KNOW how horrible it feels. It really sucks that you would do that to someone that you claim to love. My ex claims that he was going to break up with me the night he made out with this girl. He said that he must not love me if he would do such things. I believe him. Now he is having doubts as to what he feels for me. Tough sh*t. What's done is done. It's great that you're getting counseling. I wish my ex would have thought to do such a thing when this first happened. I don't deny that you did what you did out of some psychological issues. I think you need to battle your demons and heal yourself first. You shouldn't be concerned with trying to get your ex back right now. You don't love yourself. You'll never be able to give her the kind of love she deserves when you can't even give it to yourself. You may be able to get her back in time, if it's meant to be. We are all human and it is human nature to screw up. I don't think you or my ex are bad people. You just have horrible coping skills and made horrible choices. Your girlfriend right now is going through a world of pain. Right now she thinks you never loved her. She is thinking that something is wrong with her. She is feeling like crap and thinking poorly of herself. You need to leave her be and let her work through all of that. It would be one thing if you confessed straight away. But letting her find out on her own is much harder to forgive. Like others have mentioned, it also doesn't bode well that you actively made an account and made all of these calculated decisions. A drunken kiss with a random at a bar is easier to forgive than soberly taking the time to create a dating profile and taking the time to search for women and message them. You don't just get over that level of betrayal and deceit. That's what's makings things so hard for me. So many times could my ex have stopped to think about what he was doing and stopped. But he didn't. I wasn't anywhere on his mind and that hurts like a B. I think you should remove your ex from your brain until you fully work on yourself and become a man that is worthy of her. If she's super forgiving and empathetic, like me, you may have a shot. But you have to realize that what you had is gone. You killed that relationship. Things will never be the same. But you CAN rebuild a new one. It won't be easy though and a lot of people don't have the patience or cajones to get through something like this. You should read this article so you get a sense of what your ex is going through and what things would be like if you miraculously get a second chance: Google "How to help your spouse heal from your affair: by Linda MacDonald. It's a free PDF that you can download. No, you aren't married. And no, this wasn't an affair. But the pain is the same. Good luck to you. If nothing else, learn from this and make sure it doesn't happen with the next girl. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jabron1 Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I gotta say. The level of anger and bitterness here is really unhealthy. Just imagine how your girlfriend must feel about it... Wrong Only a sith talks in absolutes. At least you haven't lost your sense of humour The main issue I would raise with you is this: When she confronted me about it, I confessed that I'd been using a dating site. I have always struggled with low self esteem, poor self image and a need for validation. You have no idea the effect that something like that can do - it is tantamount to online abuse and bullying You are quick to play the victim. In my experience, people with that mentality are thoroughly untrustworthy. Link to post Share on other sites
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