His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[Mayday2016]

Update 2016-09-07:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/571648-his-wife-texted-me-asking-meet-what-do-i-do-updated-9-7-16-a-25.html#post7043384

 

 

XMM's wife texted me.

 

"I am wondering if you have any interest in meeting with me to talk about all of this."

 

What do I do? Do I respond? Do I meet her? I'm in preservation mode right now but her world was blown open by learning he had a baby and that the woman he had a baby with (me) filed for child support. I am still in love with this woman's husband so I'm torn on further hurting him even though he destroyed me.

 

I don't know if he gave her my number, I used to run a small business so it's attached to my Facebook profile so I don't know if she got it that way.

 

Help me guys, please.

Edited September 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
updated link to latest update ~6

[Satu]

You should definitely think about this before you agree to do it.

 

'Think' meaning extended thinking, over a few days or weeks.

 

 

Messy. Very messy...

 

 

Take care.

[MidnightBlue1980]

XMM's wife texted me.

 

"I am wondering if you have any interest in meeting with me to talk about all of this."

 

What do I do? Do I respond? Do I meet her? I'm in preservation mode right now but her world was blown open by learning he had a baby and that the woman he had a baby with (me) filed for child support. I am still in love with this woman's husband so I'm torn on further hurting him even though he destroyed me.

 

I don't know if he gave her my number, I used to run a small business so it's attached to my Facebook profile so I don't know if she got it that way.

 

Help me guys, please.

 

To be really honest, I would consult a lawyer. Forget about love and all that, crazy things have happened. Protect yourself and your baby.

[stillafool]

It sounds like she wants to see if your stories match. She is probably having a hard time believing anything that is coming out of his mouth after this betrayal so she wants to see what you say. I think you should talk to her (via telephone) and be as honest as you can.

[minimariah]

i wouldn't do it.

 

IF you'll do it -- please, protect yourself. meet her in a public place and bring along a trusted friend; if you meet her for a coffee in a bar - your friend can stay inside, too... but at a different table. just so he or she can keep an eye on you and help you if needed.

 

but i really wouldn't do it.

[Lady2163]

XMM's wife texted me.

 

"I am wondering if you have any interest in meeting with me to talk about all of this."

 

What do I do? Do I respond? Do I meet her? I'm in preservation mode right now but her world was blown open by learning he had a baby and that the woman he had a baby with (me) filed for child support. I am still in love with this woman's husband so I'm torn on further hurting him even though he destroyed me.

 

I don't know if he gave her my number, I used to run a small business so it's attached to my Facebook profile so I don't know if she got it that way.

 

Help me guys, please.

 

Are you still seeing the MM?

 

What is your end game? If you want to share custody of the baby, then yes I think you should meet her...with a friend in a public place.

 

If things are over with MM and all you want is child support, then I think let the law or government handle things.

 

Are you able to contact MM at all?

 

I'm not sure any good can come out of this for you or your baby.

[Popsicle]

Maybe I'm not cautious enough, but I would meet her (in public around other people!) to see what she has to say.

 

If there was no baby involved, I wouldn't advise talking to her or meeting her at all, but there is a baby involved.

[Jersey born raised]

I would advise you to use email if you decide to seek and help her find closure. There will be a natural tendency on her part to blame you. The truth is you only chose to say yes. As a person in her shoes understand I am not minimizing your role - you did say yes to a MM.

 

She most likely needs a timeline, when where, how you communicated, what he told you about his marriage and wife. So write a long email covering all these items and send it. Also mention your child and express concern about how this will play out, not for you but the child. It will give both of you some peace of mind.

[Mayday2016]

Mm ended things multiple time, the last of which was 2 Thursday's ago. I obviously didn't want to end things because I wanted my daughter to have a shot at having a father. I thought it i could keep luring him over with sex his Curiosity would pique and he'd get to know the baby. Completely flawed theory.

 

I threatened him last Monday to return the papers filled out that my lawyer sent or I would serve him by sheriff. He freaked out and it was a barrage of texts, emails, calls begging to see me. I picked up his last call and said I had to do this, that I'm not rescinding the papers and for him to grow up. That was really hard.

 

Tuesday he texted saying we could come to a resolution to get baby support, I didn't respond. Wednesday he texted asking if papers were sent. I didn't respond. That night or maybe it was the one before his wife liked photos of the baby on my Facebook. Thursday he asked if papers were coming. I texted back yes. Then Friday I emailed him and said to please not text me again and if he must communicate with me do it through email or have his lawyer talk to mine.

 

What do you think she wants? Answers? To yell at me? To try to get me to rescind the child support? Do you think he's siccing his wife on me to get me to withdraw them by hitting me with the emotional aspect since he couldn't appeal to me?

 

At this point yes I love him but my end game is I want my daughter to know her father. I don't want to hurt that outcome and don't want to do something now that prevents that from ever possibly happening.

[whichwayisup]

I wouldn't meet her face to face, but do talk to her on the phone.

[Mayday2016]

And before anyone asks, yes I'm still in love with him but honestly trying so hard to put my daughters needs first because I know he'll never love me. Accepting this reality is hard but there are still feelings in play.

[sandylee1]

Because you are in love with her no good husband who doesn't give a damn about the baby ..... I wouldn't meet her. If you didn't feel for him ... then it would be good to let her know how he ignored the baby.. so she can see who she's really married to .... but if you meet and tell her the truth .... there's no way to do it... without you looking really bad.

 

You were a quick romp in the car while pregnant.. and all other stuff.. it will make you feel rubbish reliving that and you have a baby to look after... you don't need those horrible memories while speaking to her.

 

If he wants to have visitation with the baby.. then by all means you should meet her.

 

If you feel you want to give her answers ... you can say you don't feel comfortable meeting at the moment..but she can email or text and you'll try and answer the questions. ..

 

That way you decline to answer what you want... you can also think through your responses. It would be good to tell the truth on what you do answer and if you can't .... just don't respond to the tricky questions.

 

You have a little girl.. she's your priority. So you don't want to be getting upset.

 

In all honesty I'd want to know if my husband was as bad as him. So I could divorce him very quickly .

[goodyblue]

I would not do anything regarding her. Your concern is hMM. I would deal only with him.

[minimariah]

What do you think she wants? Answers? To yell at me? To try to get me to rescind the child support? Do you think he's siccing his wife on me to get me to withdraw them by hitting me with the emotional aspect since he couldn't appeal to me?

 

could be. maybe her & her H teamed up with getting you to back off with the child support. i don't know what answers she's get from you -- she knows her husband has a child with you. that's an undeniable confirmation of an affair; she literally has nothing new to learn from you. what answer would make that fact less painful?

 

so yeah, i'd say they're both try to hit you with the "back off" tactic. let the idea of him being a father to your child go. and be careful. be VERY careful, him asking for custody may NOT be a good thing at all.

[d0nnivain]

If you are still seeing him don't go near her.

 

Because you share a child, he will always be connected to you.

 

 

Nothing good can come from meeting with her. Don't do it. If you have a lawyer, pay that person to write her a letter telling her to leave you alone.

[Mayday2016]

If I can be honest about my feelings this is how I feel--

 

I don't want to do anything that jinxes the possibility he'd ever step up and be in my daughter's future.

 

My own ex-h cheated, multiple times. I wanted answers, I never got them. I totally would understand her need for them. but I'm wondering how she didn't know before this was blown open there was something shady going on as he was with me 2 to 4 nights a week.

 

I am furious at him because I learned I wasn't his only A, I was just the only one he was really serious about. And he was serious about me for a while, when it was still a romance with feelings (for 6 months before pregnancy) things were intense and very emotionally and physically charged. Once I said I was pregnant he became a nightmare and broke my heart. A part of me wants him to know that kind of hurt and pain but then I think, there's no sense in that because I did bring a lot of this on myself.

 

I'm scared. I'm scared of seeing her angry or broken. I'm scared of seeing how what I did with him hurt her. She was always a nonentity. I'm a non confrontational person and don't think well under pressure. I'm scared of not giving her what she needs to hear but I'm also scared that this is an attempt on both of their fronts to tag team me into getting me to back down. Child support for my daughter hurts her livelihood too. It changes her style of living. Even if he pays me $200 a month that hurts her, if he pays me $800 a month, that's an even bigger hit. He always knew how to manipulate me, I couldn't handle him using his wife trying to manipulate me too.

[minimariah]

I don't want to do anything that jinxes the possibility he'd ever step up and be in my daughter's future.

 

i think THIS is your downfall.

 

he won't be a father to your child right now; will he come around in the future? that's a possibility -- but that's not a good thing. it seems as if you want your child to have a father no matter what but you found yourself in this situation... where you'll probably have to take care of her on your own.

 

the possibility of him being a good father is already lost. she doesn't need and WILL NOT benefit from him appearing in her life ten years from now. that's something you need to accept -- she simply won't have a father present in her life. when you accept that, things will go smoother.

 

this way... you're trying to force him into being a responsible parent and you'll jp on his every sign that he indeed wants to do that. it is better to have no father than to have one who comes in and out of your life + a possible angry stepmother who might abuse or disrespect her while she is with them.

 

i don't think you're aware of how badly this might end for your daughter if he chooses to stay in her life.

[CarrieT]

How would seeing her benefit YOU? Not your daughter... Not him.... Not her.... YOU.

 

It probably won't benefit you. It will help rip open your wounds even further.

 

In that regard, I would heartily suggest you do not see her, maintain silence, and advise that the only contact any of you should have only occur between lawyers. They are the ones who have no emotional investment and can keep their heads clear in the situation.

 

Maybe later you can all sit down and sing Kumbaya together, but shouldn't even be attempted now.

[privategal]

Phone or email only.

Meeting is not necessary.

[Popsicle]

I'm scared. I'm scared of seeing her angry or broken. I'm scared of seeing how what I did with him hurt her. She was always a nonentity. I'm a non confrontational person and don't think well under pressure. I'm scared of not giving her what she needs to hear but I'm also scared that this is an attempt on both of their fronts to tag team me into getting me to back down. Child support for my daughter hurts her livelihood too. It changes her style of living. Even if he pays me $200 a month that hurts her, if he pays me $800 a month, that's an even bigger hit. He always knew how to manipulate me, I couldn't handle him using his wife trying to manipulate me too.

 

Well, if you're really scared and not strong enough to deal with her, then maybe you should not meet her and leave it up to the lawyers/courts.

 

You should only meet her if you are strong enough to face her and stay focused.

[Southern Sun]

I'm trying to imagine being in the BW's shoes and what her motives might be.

 

Perhaps she sees that her H has screwed up big time, has a giant "mess" on his hands that is now going to affect her for the rest of her life, and he can't seem to fix it. Of course, this will never work, because a real man must fix his own problems...but we women tend to step in in desperate times. Maybe she thinks that the two of you can sit down and have some sort of woman to woman conversation. There is no telling what MM is saying to her. Maybe she is in fix-it mode. Her liking your baby's pics on FB is kind of odd. Perhaps she is trying to let you know that she is not your enemy.

 

I don't think you owe her a conversation. Her H is the one that betrayed her. I don't necessarily think she's on a witch hunt (though I could be way off). It just sounds like she's trying to minimize the damage.

 

You should examine your motives very carefully if you consider meeting with her. Why would you do it? If you think it would bring about some sort of truce that in the end would help your daughter, than perhaps it is worth considering. But I would NOT do it if you think there is anything in it for YOU or if you desire to bring any hurt to the BW or him, even if he deserves it.

 

Why don't you ask her what she hopes to gain out of the conversation? Perhaps ask her what exactly she would like to discuss? And then you can decide.

[Mayday2016]

 

Why don't you ask her what she hopes to gain out of the conversation? Perhaps ask her what exactly she would like to discuss? And then you can decide.

 

How would you phrase those questions?

 

I don't want to hurt her or cause her further damage. My anger is with her husband NOT her, hurting her would not bring me any joy or comfort.

[66Charger]

Wow. What a difficult situation.

 

Some things are more important than others. The important factor here is custody. He is entitled to custody. They may choose to stay together and coparent. With partial custody at their house. He is the father. If this is the case, you need to know this woman. And know her well. If her intentions are to divorce, I would skip any meetings

 

It may be none of her business, or it may be all of her business. Find out what her plans for the future are, then make your decision.

Edited February 29, 2016 by 66Charger

[Bufo]

Some practical advice. Do not under any circumstances agree to a meeting where you do not know there specific agenda. Nothing good ever comes from a meeting where the other side controls the agenda. Stories of the A? Child support? Visitation or custody? Letting her tell you what a whore or home wrecker she thinks you are?

 

What good result is there?

 

And again no lump sum settlement. It's not in the child's best interests.

[Randomlyrandomme]

you basically ( with more than a little help from her husband) ****ed her over major.

 

The least you can do is look her in the eye and answer her questions.

 

Unless I'm missing something, If they stay together she'll probably be part of your child's life

 

 

Man up.

 

You took the dick?

Meet his chick.