His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[goodyblue]

I don't think it's fair to assume that the child will not be treated well by a stepmother. Despite their reputation, stepmothers can be a very real asset to the CHILD.

 

We don't know this woman do we? We only know tales of her being 'bipolar' and out of control according to the treacherous man who has gone behind her back and created a new life in the doing, and who is a proven liar.

 

I agree that she should stay away from them both for the time being while the semantics of financial support for her little one are sorted out by legals, but she must face the reality that if she wants this awful man to step up as a Father (which seems most unlikely, don't you?) then she is going to have to swallow the fact that his wife IS going to be a very real presence....

 

I am a step mother, I think step mothers can be a wonderful asset to children as can step fathers as evidenced by my wonderful h. But we are talking about a horse of a different color here... this is a child that is and forever will be evidence of her treacherous husband's infidelity. In most (not all) circumstances this does not work out well as the BS is understandably hurt and the easiest target to vent that is the tangible reminder that her husband is a jerk who cheated.

 

I do not think the BS would set out to purposely hurt a child, sometimes it just happens and that is the awful truth. And yes, I think if this guy steps up the BS most certainly will be part of the child rearing as well. As stated earlier, this is why you don't have a child in an affair setting. It is terrible for the poor kid.

Edited February 29, 2016 by goodyblue

[goodyblue]

I also wonder how the MM's kids will treat this baby. Do you think they won't be ashamed? Do you think they won't resent it? It is just a cluster.

[stillafool]

Noooooo.....in many states he would not be, as he has not immediately stepped up to take care of pregnant mother and baby once born.

 

Yes and he may see this as working in his favor.

[ChickiePops]

I am a step mother, I think step mothers can be a wonderful asset to children as can step fathers as evidenced by my wonderful h. But we are talking about a horse of a different color here... this is a child that is and forever will be evidence of her treacherous husband's infidelity. In most (not all) circumstances this does not work out well as the BS is understandably hurt and the easiest target to vent that is the tangible reminder that her husband is a jerk who cheated.

 

I do not think the BS would set out to purposely hurt a child, sometimes it just happens and that is the awful truth. And yes, I think if this guy steps up the BS most certainly will be part of the child rearing as well. As stated earlier, this is why you don't have a child in an affair setting. It is terrible for the poor kid.

 

How is it helpful to say that she shouldn't have had the baby at this point? What's she supposed to do, stuff the kid back inside her body?

 

You are demonizing a woman who you know absolutely nothing about, the only other innocent party here besides the baby, and stating phony statistics (how on earth could you possibly know what happens in 'most' cases?). Regardless of what you, a complete stranger on an online forum, think, this woman will be a part of the OPs daughters life whether OP likes it or not, and trying to turn these two women against each other before OP has any information about the wife is completely unhelpful. If OP and BS hate each other, the only person who suffers is the child.

[Ms. Faust]

Correction: children. Any animosity is going to affect both the OP's child and the child of the marriage.

[stillafool]

I don't want to see either of them. I'm scared. I love my daughter, she has rocked my world. Delivering her alone (I had no family or friends there- it was just me) was the hardest but most intimate moment of my life - and not romantic intimacy -- it was very profound. He chose not to be there.

 

I was 10 weeks when I told him I was pregnant and I delivered her at 36+5. Not once did he ask how I was, how she was. Not once did he talk about her, only when I brought up names after my anatomy scan did he tell me she couldn't have my last name. That's all he ever said. He has been in my apartment 5x since her birth- not once has he looked at her. He held her when she was 6 days old for 5 minutes because I left the room and she cried but then he handed her back to me when I came back, she is 9 weeks old tomorrow. Why all of a sudden do 'they' want a relationship with her? He was adamant he did not want her. I wanted him to change and by her texts it sounds like he has but why do I feel like it isn't genuine? Like he didn't come to it on his own?

 

I don't understand because in your previous post you said you would do anything (including luring him over for sex) so your daughter could have a relationship with her father. Now, you say the above? What happened? His wife found out, decided it's not fair to deny the baby, wants to meet to work things out. This is actually working in your favor if you really do want your daughter to know her father. If your daughter has a relationship with her father she IS going to have a relationship with her step mom as well. That's how this works. I'm sure it isn't him but her who is trying to make him do the right thing.

[Adoraxx]

When I said the words 'steal the baby', I didn't mean to say that I think that the MM and W will KIDNAP the baby - of course they won't ; I just had these thoughts that they might try to pursue sole custody.... Which is not something a judge will grant them, but that's why I said : be careful and make sure you have a good lawyer. Which I'm sure Mayday has... It's not at all my intention to upset her!!! I've probably watched too many stupid movies in the past lol

[Shadowburn]

How is it helpful to say that she shouldn't have had the baby at this point? What's she supposed to do, stuff the kid back inside her body?

 

You are demonizing a woman who you know absolutely nothing about, the only other innocent party here besides the baby, and stating phony statistics (how on earth could you possibly know what happens in 'most' cases?). Regardless of what you, a complete stranger on an online forum, think, this woman will be a part of the OPs daughters life whether OP likes it or not, and trying to turn these two women against each other before OP has any information about the wife is completely unhelpful. If OP and BS hate each other, the only person who suffers is the child.

 

"This woman" doesn't have to be part of the child's life, OP absolutely has a say in it, after all, this is her child, and "hate" is too strong a word for adults trying to find a graceful and respectful way out of the terrible situation.

[Mayday2016]

When I said the words 'steal the baby', I didn't mean to say that I think that the MM and W will KIDNAP the baby - of course they won't ; I just had these thoughts that they might try to pursue sole custody.... Which is not something a judge will grant them, but that's why I said : be careful and make sure you have a good lawyer. Which I'm sure Mayday has... It's not at all my intention to upset her!!! I've probably watched too many stupid movies in the past lol

 

The SAME thing has run through my mind. She may have wanted another child. She may not be able to have another (she's older than I am by a bit). I have no idea their reasoning, why they want this. She may be a wonderful person but even my mother (my only support system- dad works out of state and big sis lives far away) thinks something is very wrong about all this. My mom has seen everything from the outside, she has never met xMM but she was there during everything, she knows he did not want my baby at all. She said this change of heart has happened so fast from discovery. She said she thinks it's about money and hurting me back. I have so many opinions from you all and my mom, my sister and even myself. I have a film reel of different scenarios playing in my head. Like every possible scenario. I want so badly to believe they have nothing but good intentions but in my gut, deep down, I have the feeling that there is something at play.

[Mayday2016]

My mom did say one thing. When the wife texted she said "coming months"--- my mom said a child is an 18 year commitment, not a several months one. She is afraid they may go for sole custody or to pay me off in a lump sum. She said we need to go through lawyers only.

[stillafool]

]"This woman" doesn't have to be part of the child's life[/b]' date=' OP absolutely has a say in it, after all, this is her child, and "hate" is too strong a word for adults trying to find a graceful and respectful way out of the terrible situation.[/quote']

 

She will be part of the child's life whether she knows it or not. CS will be part of the wifes money, any gifts that are bought will more than likely be bought by her. As the child grows older she will want to meet and know her. Afterall none of this is the BS fault or the childs and the child will realize this if the BS is loving toward her.

[Red123]

My mom did say one thing. When the wife texted she said "coming months"--- my mom said a child is an 18 year commitment, not a several months one. She is afraid they may go for sole custody or to pay me off in a lump sum. She said we need to go through lawyers only.

 

I think you may be overthinking all of it. I understand that. It's a scary situation. The wife may have meant the coming months as the time that you and them will be sorting things out, meeting the baby etc. Also, your xmm has proven to be a serious liar, maybe the things he told you about his W were all lies. Even if she has bipolar, she may be medicated and stable. You can make yourself crazy with speculation, you won't know anything until it happens and no one on here can answer this for you

[whichwayisup]

I assume she found out between Monday and Wednesday of last week. Thata when I told him he needed to return the papers or I'd be serving him with a new set by sheriff. I blew it open for him and I'm guessing that's when he manned up and told her. She liked my pictures 2 days later on Facebook, I have open privacy settings. I was really shocked to see that. Sunday (last night) she texted me.

 

They're going to be supervised visits for a long while- I am nursing and I plan to for at least 2 years. They better not expect me to pump milk to give them when she's 9 weeks old ? She needs the breast, it is her food source and comfort. I refuse to let my daughter out of my sight until I feel like they are genuine. I am very wary right now. My spider senses are tingling.

 

Why make your private life public for anybody to see and like your photo's? Unless you wanted her to see them on purpose?

 

Of course they are not going to make you pump your breast milk, it's doubtful they will physically take the baby from you for overnights any time soon! Don't go overboard with the "what if's" you're just going to make yourself more stressed out. If anything it'll be short visits with you present.

 

In whatever legal action you take, make sure you ask the court to order HIM to pay your legal fees.

 

13hearts, why make HIM pay her legal fees? How is that fair to him and his wife? Choices have been made, OP got pregnant by exMM, but let's not put this ALL on him.

[whichwayisup]

Totally agree with Minimariah and 13Hearts. I would be very very careful and on high alert! Listen to your gut also and if tells you to be careful/ scared or whatever, it's for a reason.

 

I find it very strange that the W has decided this quickly that she wants the baby in her life... something is very off with that! How can she make that decision that quickly?? I would feel scared too that she wants to steal my baby and it might sound emotional but that's how I see it.

I can't remember but do they have children of their own?

 

Please stay far away from those two and I hope you have a very good lawyer but I'm sure you do. No worries and I'll be praying for you . Oh and that's excellent that you'll be breastfeeding the little one for at least two years :)

 

Hugs

 

Give BS the benefit of doubt. She hasn't said they are 'taking' the baby away, she said we need to talk about the future and that they want to be in the baby's life. NOTHING has been mentioned about her wanting to steal the baby!

[Mayday2016]

Why make your private life public for anybody to see and like your photo's? Unless you wanted her to see them on purpose?

 

Of course they are not going to make you pump your breast milk, it's doubtful they will physically take the baby from you for overnights any time soon! Don't go overboard with the "what if's" you're just going to make yourself more stressed out. If anything it'll be short visits with you present.

 

 

 

13hearts, why make HIM pay her legal fees? How is that fair to him and his wife? Choices have been made, OP got pregnant by exMM, but let's not put this ALL on him.

 

My fb pics are public because I have 2 other kids with my exH. I let him snoop, I know he is snooping as is his family. By acting ignorant to it it keeps the peace and he doesn't repeatedly reach out for pics or updates about everything. It's a flawed theory but my ex is a very big stressor in my life and is the reason why I met xMM. I was in a raw, vulnerable place and needed MM, he was a blessing when I met him but quickly became a nightmare. I wanted a fun distraction, I didn't feel truly single when I met Mm nor did I feel deserving of a real relationship because I was still married (it was a 10 yr marriage )

[whichwayisup]

All understandable. Proceed carefully but proceed nonetheless. And try to get out of the mindset that MMs wife is the enemy here. She has never done anything at all to you or your daughter, that was all him. You know he's weak, you know he's a liar, you know he's a deadbeat dad, you know he's ridiculously selfish..you know nothing about her except what he, a known liar, has told you.

 

A lot of OW instinctively hate the BS, but you can't afford to hate her unless she earns it. Especially if she's going to be caring for your baby.

 

I agree! And his wife apologized on her husband's behalf, something was said along the lines of "I'm sorry he did this to you.." Seems pretty genuine, understanding and honest. She is rational and calm, thinking fair etc.

[Doublegold]

My mom did say one thing. When the wife texted she said "coming months"--- my mom said a child is an 18 year commitment, not a several months one. She is afraid they may go for sole custody or to pay me off in a lump sum. She said we need to go through lawyers only.

 

 

When the comment about the upcoming months was mentioned by BS my first thought was she was referring to the SCANDAL once this hits the courts not the commitment time for the Father of the child legally. Methinks you are hearing from them to avoid the rumor mill-after all he is a Professor. They are protection his reputation, job, and their fake life.

[SoleMate]

I think it's almost a certainty he will have some parental rights. Because it's in the best interest of the child after all.

Sorry, you're absolutely wrong. In California, he would not even have standing to petition the court for a paternity test against the wishes of the mother and her husband. He does not qualify as a Kelsey S. father since he has not shown any paternal behavior. Hasn't even bought a pack of diapers.

 

OP, see a lawyer about whether exMM has any chance of custody rights over your objections. Don't rely on other people's guesswork over the Internet.

[whichwayisup]

When I said the words 'steal the baby', I didn't mean to say that I think that the MM and W will KIDNAP the baby - of course they won't ; I just had these thoughts that they might try to pursue sole custody.... Which is not something a judge will grant them, but that's why I said : be careful and make sure you have a good lawyer. Which I'm sure Mayday has... It's not at all my intention to upset her!!! I've probably watched too many stupid movies in the past lol

 

This is fear mongering. Yes to the movie thing..Let's not think of the worst here, already his wife has shown the most maturity of all 3 of them and she just wants to talk about what the future will look like - It's highly unlikely she and her husband will go for sole custody, even more so now since the baby is still being breast fed. Remember she is a mother too and she's not going to tear a tiny baby away from her mom!

[goodyblue]

How is it helpful to say that she shouldn't have had the baby at this point? What's she supposed to do, stuff the kid back inside her body?

 

You are demonizing a woman who you know absolutely nothing about, the only other innocent party here besides the baby, and stating phony statistics (how on earth could you possibly know what happens in 'most' cases?). Regardless of what you, a complete stranger on an online forum, think, this woman will be a part of the OPs daughters life whether OP likes it or not, and trying to turn these two women against each other before OP has any information about the wife is completely unhelpful. If OP and BS hate each other, the only person who suffers is the child.

 

First of all, my reason for stating it is a mistake to have a baby with MM is so that any OW who read this later will think twice before getting pregnant. As for OP, I am not judging her, I am sure she would agree that having a baby with MM is no picnic. I am not even blaming her and feel bad because she continues to be hurt, she still loves the MM and that is rough. She has had to go through it alone, having MM Rene t her and her child, that is awful. I think he is a jerk and I feel sorry for everyone in this situation BUT him.

 

I am not demonizing the BS either. I am saying that from whAt I have seen MOST (that is not a stat btw, I don't know which orifice you pulled that out of) BS put at least some if not all the blame on OW. Now, she will have to have a physical reminder that her husband is a loser, will resent OW, has been hurt by her h and the baby is the result. I would not be able to stay if my h had an affair baby. I would walk. I HOPE this BS is kind to the baby but I think it is natural for BS blot have animosity toward the people that messed up her life whether openly, veiled, or even unknowingly. ALL of the kids will be affected.

[whichwayisup]

My mom did say one thing. When the wife texted she said "coming months"--- my mom said a child is an 18 year commitment, not a several months one. She is afraid they may go for sole custody or to pay me off in a lump sum. She said we need to go through lawyers only.

 

A child is a forever commitment, it doesn't just stop at age 18. I really don't understand why people think once a kid turns 18 (sorry an 18 year old is NOT a fully functioning adult) parenting is done. I'm 45 and my mom to this day STILL tries mothers me!

[whichwayisup]

She will be part of the child's life whether she knows it or not. CS will be part of the wifes money, any gifts that are bought will more than likely be bought by her. As the child grows older she will want to meet and know her. Afterall none of this is the BS fault or the childs and the child will realize this if the BS is loving toward her.

 

BS isn't going to be the one paying CS, it'll be him. Gifts yes, but actual CS, that has to come from him. Why should exMM's wife pay mayday child support?

[SoleMate]

His/her behavior would have to be really egregious before a court would intervene and restrict his rights.

Depends strongly on state law and actual facts. My understanding is that Mayday is married. All 50 states make the presumption that any child born to a married woman is the legal child of that marriage, so custody rights and duties would be for Mayday and Mr. Mayday. The only people with standing to question that presumption are the Maydays themselves or the state, acting as the child's guardian (if they choose to get involved). Mr exMM would have no standing under my state's law and would not even be able to demand a paternity test or have Mayday examined under oath.

 

Mayday, kindly only take a lawyer's advice on this incredibly important matter. And put your child first, yourself a close second, and everyone else needs to affirmatively demonstrate their commitment to your daughter before anything else happens.

[whichwayisup]

My fb pics are public because I have 2 other kids with my exH. I let him snoop, I know he is snooping as is his family. By acting ignorant to it it keeps the peace and he doesn't repeatedly reach out for pics or updates about everything. It's a flawed theory but my ex is a very big stressor in my life and is the reason why I met xMM. I was in a raw, vulnerable place and needed MM, he was a blessing when I met him but quickly became a nightmare. I wanted a fun distraction, I didn't feel truly single when I met Mm nor did I feel deserving of a real relationship because I was still married (it was a 10 yr marriage )

 

Counseling will help you become independent, stronger and wiser so you can be on your own and not 'need' a man to fulfill you and make you feel happy. Ending a marriage and then straight into an A with a MM wasn't the best of choices- but it is what it is now... I hope in counseling you can see that exMM is NOT the one for you, even though you love him and want him back. Time to rid of that fantasy, it's not going to happen. No more trying to woo him to your place for sex, that is just going to make it all worse.

[whichwayisup]

First of all, my reason for stating it is a mistake to have a baby with MM is so that any OW who read this later will think twice before getting pregnant. As for OP, I am not judging her, I am sure she would agree that having a baby with MM is no picnic. I am not even blaming her and feel bad because she continues to be hurt, she still loves the MM and that is rough. She has had to go through it alone, having MM Rene t her and her child, that is awful. I think he is a jerk and I feel sorry for everyone in this situation BUT him.

 

I am not demonizing the BS either. I am saying that from whAt I have seen MOST (that is not a stat btw, I don't know which orifice you pulled that out of) BS put at least some if not all the blame on OW. Now, she will have to have a physical reminder that her husband is a loser, will resent OW, has been hurt by her h and the baby is the result. I would not be able to stay if my h had an affair baby. I would walk. I HOPE this BS is kind to the baby but I think it is natural for BS blot have animosity toward the people that messed up her life whether openly, veiled, or even unknowingly. ALL of the kids will be affected.

 

Yet so far BS is the only one here who seems to be thinking straight and calm, wanting to talk and figure this out. Assuming the worst at this point is only going to make mayday freak out and worry more. Let's not compare the BS is this situation to other stories and situations.