His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[velvette]

The BS has already agreed that they will meet with their attorney so she understands where OP is coming from. I however, don't find anything odd about wanting to meet the woman who had an affair and baby with her husband. I would think that's just human.

 

OP, is your husband paying child support?

 

 

I agree its not odd. Nor is the timing since paperwork for child support has been filed.

 

 

But, rather than all this drama filled speculation, why not just meet with her and find out where she(they) are coming from.

 

 

Mayday, if you don't feel comfortable meeting alone with her, you could text her back and as a compromise ask her if she is willing to have this meeting with you in your lawyers office.

 

 

Then you will begin to have some sense of who she is and what her motives/plans are.

[minimariah]

It can. Generally speaking it takes a lot to prove neglect, but really, if MM wanted he could keep verified up in the courts, draining her resources for years.

 

^ not sure how it works in the USA, but if the MM takes her to the court and loses every single time (which is the most probable outcome), isn't it up to HIM to pay all the legal fees: both hers and his? the loser pays, no?

 

Some courts may see the ex mm's situation to be MORE stable for the child.

The courts may decide to give him full custody and YOU visitation rights.

 

HIGHLY unlikely.

 

this is a married man who had an affair & his BS decided to stay with him; he didn't want the child, neglected the child + refused to take care of the child - if anyone has some pretty good chances of getting full custody, that's the OP; especially if she has his texts or mails that prove his neglect and the fact that his fmaily environment (no matter how stable they seem) presents some very serious threat to the child's well being.

 

full custody with visitations is generally super damaging to the child if both parents are normal & willing to raise that child because it results in the child being alienated from one parent; it takes a LOT and the OP would have to screw up pretty badly for that to happen.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Actually that is no longer true in 2016 and it is sad that this myth persists.

 

 

Where I live it is still true. You may live in an area where it isn't but it's no myth here.

Edited February 29, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[minimariah]

There is no evidence (so far) that his wife is the devil, out to screw mayfair over. Those texts were kind and open, not mean or malicious.

 

but there is no evidence that she isn't either -- i think that's why she should be careful. i genuinely don't know about a lot of saintlike BSs who took care of the affair child without it either ending with the child being isolated from the family OR the BS doing the most and alienating the child from the mother.

 

not trying to create drama but i feel like the OP is very naive and rushing -- she should take the time out and her baby is only a few weeks old... she should thing GOOD AND LONG before singing anything.

 

she shouldn't approach the BS as an enemy but this BS is not her friend either. kind and open messages mean absolutely nothing but the fact that the OP should return the favour and show the same level or kindness and normalcy but that's really where it ends. she has to look out for her baby and herself.

[minimariah]

This woman appears, in later postings to be saying she is unmarried or soon to finalize a divorce and is unemployed.

 

It would be very easy for the courts to see the ex MM and his wife to be the more stable family to have full custody.

 

not at all. the fact that the OP is unmarried and her MM still married means nothing and has nothing to do with the way the custody is awarded. if that was the case, full custody would go ONLY to folks who remarry and have a new partner and a new family. the important thing is to protect the child's relationship with BOTH parents not to shove them into a family that comes the closest to your usual mommy + daddy + sibling formula.

 

also, her being unemployed can actually BENEFIT HER; if the MM works and his BS works and the OP doesn't -- then the OP is the only one with most time to raise the child. the fact that she is and was a SAHM will be taken into consideration. so she can get custody easily + will be cut a fat check.

[brothers343]

Wars have been stopped by people talking to each other. I think it's normal that she would want to meet you, I know I would want to talk to the dude thats banging my wife if i were in your situation. Plus you have a daughter that carries his blood and unfortunately his wife is part of those circumstances. You also have to understand that some people are just ( good people). She may be one of those people. After all she's the one that has to deal with the fact that her husband had an affair and got the OP pregnant. If you ask me she's taking things rather lightly. Too bad she's gonna have to feel and deal with all of the ramifications that this story will have. I wish you luck.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Mayday2016, your attorney is your best source of information and counsel. But, were I in your place I would get a notebook and record information that has taken place so far in regards to your exMM's lack of interest in the child and his statements about his wife being bipolar (when he said this and how many times he has said this, also has he given examples of her bipolar behavior? If so, include that).

 

I would as closely as possible record the dates and times of when he visited your home and what he did while there, with emphasis on him not looking into your daughter's room, or however it is he specifically ignored her.

 

I would also save all his emails (on the computer and print out a hard copy) that reference his relationship with his three-year-old.

 

I would notate that he has not inquired about his daughter but that his wife has.

 

I would record the dates of when your exMM and his BW were separated.

 

These are all things you think you will recall later but if you have it written down it's much more reliable and will make a bigger difference should there ever be a custody battle, which probably won't happen.

Though you very well may never face a custody issue, if you do, it will be very helpful to have recorded dates and times of his visits and lack of interest in his daughter therein. This will be more impressive to the court than the mere verbal testimony that he lacked interest.

 

It is also demonstrative of your intent interest in your daughter.

 

They could benefit financially from having custody of your daughter by not having to pay CS. Again, this may never materialize, but it's so simple to record information about his lack of interest that it really behooves you to do so. As I see it, you have nothing to lose by keeping a log of his disinterest and also saving his emails about his daughter.

[minimariah]

^ ALL OF THIS.

 

protect yourself, OP -- save all the texts and emails and other stuff that can prove that he's an incompetent father. i doubt you'll be in danger to lose the custody but if he goes for it and against you -- you have a LOT of ammo against both him and his family home.

[13Hearts]

Our divorce was supposed to be finalized in mid January but exH (I feel like I can call him that as we have been separated a long time) hasn't done anything he was supposed to and won't decide if I'm allowed to have part of his 401k or who gets what assets. We go in April to finalize if he does these things. He has held us up multiple times and I don't understand why, he's living with a 25 yr old girl who has recently started wearing a ring on her left hand, I assume he's ready to move on, I don't get why he won't stop dragging his feet though. Maybe someone here has insight on that? He's getting a sweet deal, he only has to pay 32 months of spousal support as opposed to 5 years,

 

You're entitled to half what is in his 401k. Your lawyer should already have made that part of the Divorce agreement. I would not wait for your XH to decide how much he is going to give you. Ask the court to order him to give you half of it.

[13Hearts]

but there is no evidence that she isn't either -- i think that's why she should be careful. i genuinely don't know about a lot of saintlike BSs who took care of the affair child without it either ending with the child being isolated from the family OR the BS doing the most and alienating the child from the mother.

 

not trying to create drama but i feel like the OP is very naive and rushing -- she should take the time out and her baby is only a few weeks old... she should thing GOOD AND LONG before singing anything.

 

she shouldn't approach the BS as an enemy but this BS is not her friend either. kind and open messages mean absolutely nothing but the fact that the OP should return the favour and show the same level or kindness and normalcy but that's really where it ends. she has to look out for her baby and herself.

 

What minimariah said.

A couple of FaceBook likes and a text message reveal NOTHING. This is a legal matter, stick with the lawyer.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Our divorce was supposed to be finalized in mid January but exH... hasn't done anything he was supposed to and won't decide if I'm allowed to have part of his 401k or who gets what assets...He has held us up multiple times and I don't understand why...Maybe someone here has insight on that?

 

Maybe he's dragging things out since he can't make a decision on the 401k. Also, it's one thing to plan a divorce and to know you're going to have to sign legal documents that say you have to pay your ex. For some people (depends on temperament) it's quite another to see it in black and white on paper and sign on the dotted line.

[velvette]

but there is no evidence that she isn't either -- i think that's why she should be careful. i genuinely don't know about a lot of saintlike BSs who took care of the affair child without it either ending with the child being isolated from the family OR the BS doing the most and alienating the child from the mother.

 

not trying to create drama but i feel like the OP is very naive and rushing -- she should take the time out and her baby is only a few weeks old... she should thing GOOD AND LONG before singing anything.

 

she shouldn't approach the BS as an enemy but this BS is not her friend either. kind and open messages mean absolutely nothing but the fact that the OP should return the favour and show the same level or kindness and normalcy but that's really where it ends. she has to look out for her baby and herself.

 

You could always be right, but I think someone with malicious motives would keep pushing the OP rather than just let it go when she said she wanted to deal through lawyers.

 

 

Ditto someone who is unstable or bi-polar.

 

 

The OP has to do what she feels is best. But, what better way to look out for yourself and your baby than to find out if you can what you are going to be dealing with from the other parent and his wife. Why just sit back and let things happen when you may have a chance to manage how they happen both for yourself and your child.

[velvette]

 

 

 

They could benefit financially from having custody of your daughter by not having to pay CS. Again, this may never materialize, but it's so simple to record information about his lack of interest that it really behooves you to do so. As I see it, you have nothing to lose by keeping a log of his disinterest and also saving his emails about his daughter.

 

This is just more drama and fear mongering that is not even logical.

 

 

Writing a check for child support is way cheaper than having a child and the associated expenses day in/day out while they are living with you.

[Sub]

You're entitled to half what is in his 401k. Your lawyer should already have made that part of the Divorce agreement. I would not wait for your XH to decide how much he is going to give you. Ask the court to order him to give you half of it.

 

I believe that depends on the state. Most states are equitable distribution states, so the judge can decide. She may actually end up with more than half.

 

Here's the thing, though. Is it a good look for the OP to go after a "fat check" from the MM and his family when she's unemployed and still trying to get more from her exH to support the kids she already had? She should be treated fairly, but talk of going after the guy's house - which is inhabited by his other kid - may be a little extreme. The best thing she can do is make herself independent of all of this asap so she can support herself and her kids regardless of what the courts award her.

[velvette]

^ not sure how it works in the USA, but if the MM takes her to the court and loses every single time (which is the most probable outcome), isn't it up to HIM to pay all the legal fees: both hers and his? the loser pays, no?

 

 

 

Yes, usually the courts punish the person who is being unreasonable or wasting their time.

[Liam1]

^ not sure how it works in the USA, but if the MM takes her to the court and loses every single time (which is the most probable outcome), isn't it up to HIM to pay all the legal fees: both hers and his? the loser pays, no?

 

Actually, no actually, it is very rare for a judge to order the loser to pay. It's possible but not probable.

 

The judge would have to find his suit totally egregious. Wanting your child taken care of properly is not egregious.

 

Maybe you need to check up on USA Law.

 

Also things vary by state. For example Georgia is very punitive toward cheating woman not so much men.

 

She could lose custody, if an argument is put forth that this woman's lifestyle would set a poor example, with not father figure to offset the damage.

 

In some states, a BS can sue a cheating spouse. Other states allow a BS to sue the OW or OM.

 

Also a lot of her claims are not provable. They are he said she said claims with no proof, at least not yet. It's her word against his.

 

Really what she needs to do is see a lawyer in her state before she opens the child support can of worms, if she is worried about custody.

[afoolto no end]

I feel for you I really do, but this affair is over.....Your other man got himself into a real mess this time......there is no way out now and he knows it....he had to tell his wife......

But the reality now is you have to figure out what the future now is going to look like, will he be a part of his childs life....he will no doubt ask for a paternity test off the bat.....and then the courts should be able to figure out the financials, there is a chart based on income they use.....

If he has decided to work things out with his wife then you need to respect that as well now....This isn't an affair anymore.......

This could work if everyone now puts the childs interest first......imagine coming into the world like this without positive interactions between the mother and father in this kind of situation......Your a mother now, you have been given a gift the ones in life that count......don't screw this up in some kind of fantasy life.....

Let go of him and figure out how to do this in peace for your childs sake.

It will be up to him what kind of father he is, you can't control him.....

As far as sitting down talking with the wife that is up to you how you do it but it will happen at some point in some way.......what is the harm in hearing what they say, it just gives you the truth of the situation from their end, instead of guessing

It was only a 6 month relationship that produced a child, years from now you will see it was just an affair a fling on the side for him......you will not feel the same way .....you will be embarrassed too......

I do feel for you but it is time for the reality to be the truth now......and you need to deal with facts only from now on, a good parental plan so your child is happy and feels loved ...........

[velvette]

I believe that depends on the state. Most states are equitable distribution states, so the judge can decide. She may actually end up with more than half.

 

Here's the thing, though. Is it a good look for the OP to go after a "fat check" from the MM and his family when she's unemployed and still trying to get more from her exH to support the kids she already had? She should be treated fairly, but talk of going after the guy's house - which is inhabited by his other kid - may be a little extreme. The best thing she can do is make herself independent of all of this asap so she can support herself and her kids regardless of what the courts award her.

 

Exactly. Most states have formulas that apply to alimony, temporary maintenance or spousal support, and child support.

 

 

The amount the state sets for total support of a child is no where near what most people spend to support their children. Add to that, most if not all states expect both parents if they are able bodied and could find work to support the children. Usually what happens is each persons percentage of total income is applied to the amount set by the state for support per child. The non working spouse will generally have income imputed to her/him based on what they could earn if they worked. Child care and medical expenses are frequently add ons to that, but handled differently depending on the state.

 

 

OP's attorney should be able to tell her within a pretty narrow window what she will receive. She could probably google it herself and figure it out.

 

 

The court isn't going to care that there was an affair. Just like they don't care if there is an affair when these issues are decided if a marriage breaks up because of an affair. They also aren't going to consider that imo when it comes to issues of custody/visitation.

[Ms. Faust]

^ not sure how it works in the USA, but if the MM takes her to the court and loses every single time (which is the most probable outcome), isn't it up to HIM to pay all the legal fees: both hers and his? the loser pays, no?

 

 

Mini, from my understanding it is rare that a judge will make one party pay ALL of the other party's legal fees. I have heard of people paying a part of it, but the only time you really hear all of it paid is if someone is being especially litigious, dragging their feet, or very obviously running up the bill for the parties involved.

 

So technically the court can order it, but there are a lot of things that would have to be considered.

 

In some states, a BS can sue a cheating spouse. Other states allow a BS to sue the OW or OM.

 

I remember the state that OP lives in before she changed it, and her state is not one that allows this.

Edited February 29, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[stillafool]

 

this is a married man who had an affair & his BS decided to stay with him; he didn't want the child, neglected the child + refused to take care of the child - if anyone has some pretty good chances of getting full custody, that's the OP; especially if she has his texts or mails that prove his neglect and the fact that his fmaily environment (no matter how stable they seem) presents some very serious threat to the child's well being.

.

 

Yes buy couldn't MM attorney argue that he was fearful of his secret child ruining his marriage but has since exposed this to his wife and they want to do right by his child?

[Ms. Faust]

Yes buy couldn't MM attorney argue that he was fearful of his secret child ruining his marriage but has since exposed this to his wife and they want to do right by his child?

 

If he gets 50/50 would that be a bad thing? OP already stated that she wants her daughter to know her father. So this is actually going towards OP's wishes.

Edited February 29, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[minimariah]

Yes buy couldn't MM attorney argue that he was fearful of his secret child ruining his marriage but has since exposed this to his wife and they want to do right by his child?

 

of course but that would actually NOT be in MM's favor, it only paints him as incompetent parent with wrong priorities -- he put fear above taking care of his own child and confessed only when pressed with CS. so he doesn't have his kid's interests FIRST and then you gotta wonder what other situation he'll put something or someone else above that same child.

[chelsey22]

Dont go meet her that is crazy ....

Look you shouldnt have been seeing someone who was with somebody frist and meeting you is not going to help her or you let it go

 

Just Tell her im Sorry that this has happened to you bit we can see him for who he is now and leave it at that

 

 

Meeting you isnt gunna make her feel Any better and you meeting her What you gunna get out of that

[minimariah]

If he gets 50/50 would that be a bad thing? OP already stated that she wants her daughter to know her father. So this is actually going towards OP's wishes.

 

i'm always for 50/50 and i think that would be the best in this situation, especially because the OP's child has a little sister.

 

i am worried for the OP's finances. OP, i think you should either find a job or develop your hobby further but it's important that you have your own source of income.

[velvette]

of course but that would actually NOT be in MM's favor, it only paints him as incompetent parent with wrong priorities -- he put fear above taking care of his own child and confessed only when pressed with CS. so he doesn't have his kid's interests FIRST and then you gotta wonder what other situation he'll put something or someone else above that same child.

 

 

A judge isn't going to care much about what has gone before imo.

 

 

And, the minute the parents start slinging mud at each other or fighting over what is in the best interest of the child, the judge is going to tune them out and appoint an independent guardian for the child to investigate all their claims/counter claims.

 

 

Set yourself up for that at your own peril. Everyones issues and dirty laundry will be investigated and on full view. When you cant fulfill your parental duties without the state getting involved then you are going to be stuck with what they order you to do.

 

 

The best outcomes happen when the parties negotiate something acceptable to all and present that to a judge to rubber stamp. BTW negotiation usually means you aren't going to get everything you want exactly how you want it.