His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[Sassy Girl]

I'm not trying to sound mean or angry or paranoid. I'm just a new mom doing my best to cope with having been through a pregnancy and delivery and the first weeks alone. It has been just me getting up every 2-3 hours with baby, changing every diaper, doing everything. I'm very physically exhausted but dealing with the hurt from xMM I am emotionally spent too. I loved this man and he hurt me, down right just hurt me.

 

I don't know BW just what xMM has said. When she discovered the affair in September she went out and bought a 3rd dog. When she discovered the affair had resumed and there's a baby, I feel like either she's going to hurt me for stabbing her in the back again or she's going to use my baby to heal her sounds like she did with the dog.

 

My brain is running 1,000 mph - when you have been this exhausted for over two months there is no more rational thought. I haven't texted her back, I haven't communicated with her so it's not like I'm saying mean unkind things to her, I'm just voicing concern to you all hoping you can bring me down to reality.

 

Yeah I get life with 3 kids... This why I'm telling you straight - you're being paranoid and working yourself up over things unnecessarily. Stop.

 

Look after your kids. Enjoy that baby girl. It's a much better use of your time.

 

Let your lawyers deal with it and stop speculating. She has given you NO reason to worry about half the scenarios you're conjuring up In your own head. I know you're looking for support here, but I think he scaremongering is getting to you and you could do with a break. Good luck.

[Maddieandtae]

Mayday you really need to take a step back and clearly state no contact only contact through lawyers. Your exhaustion and past history with your own ex has you on high anxiety. Please give your mind a rest for a moment.

[Mayday2016]

Yeah I get life with 3 kids... This why I'm telling you straight - you're being paranoid and working yourself up over things unnecessarily. Stop.

 

Look after your kids. Enjoy that baby girl. It's a much better use of your time.

 

Let your lawyers deal with it and stop speculating. She has given you NO reason to worry about half the scenarios you're conjuring up In your own head. I know you're looking for support here, but I think he scaremongering is getting to you and you could do with a break. Good luck.

 

 

 

There's a lot fueling me here but there is also some invaluable advice. I am so damn grateful for the advice. I haven't responded to her since last night when I said we should go through lawyers. Being able to sound off to you all had kept me from texting her or saying anything emotional. I kept it direct, straight forward. You all helped with that. I keep coming back to the forum every time I think or feel something new or something else happens and 85% of you talk me down from the ledge. I need that. I also need a nap. And chocolate.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm not trying to sound mean or angry or paranoid. I'm just a new mom doing my best to cope with having been through a pregnancy and delivery and the first weeks alone. It has been just me getting up every 2-3 hours with baby, changing every diaper, doing everything. I'm very physically exhausted but dealing with the hurt from xMM I am emotionally spent too.....................................................................

My brain is running 1,000 mph - when you have been this exhausted for over two months there is no more rational thought. I haven't texted her back, I haven't communicated with her so it's not like I'm saying mean unkind things to her, I'm just voicing concern to you all hoping you can bring me down to reality.

 

You are doing a good job of taking care of your baby, Mayday2016, and you seriously need support to get through this. Many churches have a counselor on staff who will see you for no charge. Could you call around to a few large churches in your area to find a counselor? You need people who are "in your corner" supporting you. I say this as much for your children as for you. You have precious little ones who will benefit from you having support.

 

What's done is done, it's in the past. It is time to move forward in the healthiest way possible and you have done a great job by not being unkind to BW and by contacting an attorney to begin the process of getting child support.

 

It boggles my mind to know you're going through a divorce with one man and a child support issue with another, plus his BW. All that as a single mom, having just given birth! I doubt I could do half as well as you're doing. You're a good mom to this new little one.

 

I am so proud of you for seeking support on this forum and I really encourage you to go to a church and get a counselor. There are churches where the pastor will also counsel someone, out of the goodness of his/her heart. You could find much comfort there.

 

I plan to be here for you if you continue to post and need support. My heart truly goes out to you. I have prayed for you and plan to continue.

[dreamingoftigers]

None of this is her fault, either.

 

So why are you so obviously angry at her?

 

I think it's obvious: she wanted daughter to know her father so they could be "cutesey family" together even if it was only part-time.

 

So now the BW is wreckimg the fantasy by existing and trying to get things done regarding the issue.

 

Her husband is a lame duck who can only operate his zipper.

 

Guess who OP will probably be dealing with primarily for custody matters. Oops!

 

And this woman has been nothing but reasonable while OP has met BW's husband on Ashley Madison and gets worked up every time she receives the slightest text message.

 

Seriously. Wow.

[velvette]

I never saw his wife wanting this. It wasn't a possibility in my mind. He vehemently stated for 10 months (pregnancy and months after) he did not want her. Now 'they' do? I never thought she'd persuade him into this because all I heard was NO, NEVER, she is 'your child now and forever, I will not be a father in any way'.. And if this did happen I didn't expect it to happen 4 days after he told her wife. I'd figure they'd mull it over, my daughter would be MUCH older. She's 9 weeks old. I'm sleep deprived, I am hormonal, my hair is falling out, face is breaking out, my nipples are sore from nursing, and I am well past 'tired' ... I'm floored that this has happened so fast, so fast. I thought xMM would want to keep it discreet as he asked me to resend the child support papers to his work the day before he told her. Suddenly here she is texting me when it's all so fresh and raw. I thought I would have more time to heal from the affair and get over him before I'm thrust into potentially coparenting with him and his wife. I wanted him in our daughter's life but I figured he'd need time to want that and I'd have time to get over him.

 

 

The good news is people survive this all the time. Lots of divorced couples where one didn't want the divorce and is even still in love with the ex-spouse, but still they co-parent successfully and eventually move on.

 

 

Bad news is it takes time to get over someone you loved if they choose not to be with you. Just know there is an end in sight. Try to limit your mourning that part to a specific amount of time each day.

 

 

On a more practical note, can you spend time at your parents or sisters so you can get some help and sleep?

 

 

If not, will the amount of child support you expect to get from exMM allow you to put your two older children in some kind of pre-K programs for a few hours or days a week? Does your school district have anything that's free or maybe any of the churches around you have low cost programs? The kids would benefit from the socialization with other kids and you might be able to get some sleep.

 

 

Alternatively, maybe hire a babysitter for them just long enough to get a nap in while baby sleeps each afternoon.

[13Hearts]

It's 6 pm on a Monday, they go tomorrow. My lawyer leaves at 4, as stated on his Google information. Just punch in his name and it lists business hours. How can I help when he's closed? Most businesses are 9-5 regardless, trying to talk to me at dinner time isn't conducive to figuring her solution out. It's not my fault her husband BURNED the first set of papers that cost me $450 to have it sent along with a letter typed up by my lawyer telling him we'll be nice and discreet.

 

Just don't engage with her. It does not matter one bit what her intentions are, good, bad, or indifferent. You are under no obligation to respond to anyone. It's not your problem. Your problem is taking care of your infant and getting this slob to pay child support. Having the right papers for THEIR appointment with THEIR attorney is THEIR problem. Like you say, you already sent him the papers, let them figure it out.

[Tayla]

Meet her. In the company of lawyers.

 

You got it so good right now. A healthy child ... and getting financial support.

[13Hearts]

Please do not mention to him or his wife that you are thinking of taking away his 401k or retirement money. It will make a bad situation into a worse one. And then all hell will break loose.

 

It's not MM she is talking about with the 401k, it's her husband.

[13Hearts]

I don't mean to appear angry and my sister is experienced with this, sort of. Her ex remarried a woman as they were going through a custody disputes with my niece. His wife cost my sister around $3,000 because she would call my sisters lawyer and email him repeatedly. Anytime that woman did that my sister would be charged. I'm sort of glad my lawyer didn't return her call because he knows my financial situation maybe he will even think like previous posters have mentioned, that we should ask MM to cover legal fees. We didn't even ask my soon to be xH to do that. I have been super fair in my own divorce, always putting the kids first. I am on high alert for my daughters sake, I don't want her becoming a pawn for this woman to potentially hurt me for the affair.

 

Yup and she could be a whackjob, you never know. It sounds like you have this under control.

[whichwayisup]

Please do not mention to him or his wife that you are thinking of taking away his 401k or retirement money. It will make a bad situation into a worse one. And then all hell will break loose.

 

How could she legally 'take' exMM and his wife's 401k from them? Mayday are you considering taking their retirement money for yourself? I'm confused... And confused that your sister said that stuff about exMM's wife. Does she know her personally or is she assuming and making stuff up?

 

You need to take a break and relax from all this. You're worked up and until the lawyers sort it out, take a step back and focus on your baby, your other kids, friends etc., and turn your cell off for the night.

[Robert]

Note from moderation:

 

There has been a number of reports on this thread and a few posts have been deleted.

 

This is a reminder that the OP has come here for support and the tone of posts shall remain respectful from here on out. If you cannot post without being unnecessarily harsh, you can move on and post on another forum.

 

Thank you to the posters that have been supportive so far.

 

~6

[whichwayisup]

I never saw his wife wanting this. It wasn't a possibility in my mind. He vehemently stated for 10 months (pregnancy and months after) he did not want her. Now 'they' do? I never thought she'd persuade him into this because all I heard was NO, NEVER, she is 'your child now and forever, I will not be a father in any way'.. And if this did happen I didn't expect it to happen 4 days after he told her wife. I'd figure they'd mull it over, my daughter would be MUCH older. She's 9 weeks old. I'm sleep deprived, I am hormonal, my hair is falling out, face is breaking out, my nipples are sore from nursing, and I am well past 'tired' ... I'm floored that this has happened so fast, so fast. I thought xMM would want to keep it discreet as he asked me to resend the child support papers to his work the day before he told her. Suddenly here she is texting me when it's all so fresh and raw. I thought I would have more time to heal from the affair and get over him before I'm thrust into potentially coparenting with him and his wife. I wanted him in our daughter's life but I figured he'd need time to want that and I'd have time to get over him.

 

You need to realize that there's a pretty good chance exMM has LIED and exaggerated truths/bent the truth to suit him in a positive light in your eyes. Don't trust his word as the truth, his wife so far has shown you nothing to be concerned about, yet HE hasn't spoken to you, he's blocked you and ignored you, treated you like crap, yet you're pissed at her?

[Ms. Faust]

You need to realize that there's a pretty good chance exMM has LIED and exaggerated truths/bent the truth to suit him in a positive light in your eyes. Don't trust his word as the truth, his wife so far has shown you nothing to be concerned about, yet HE hasn't spoken to you, he's blocked you and ignored you, treated you like crap, yet you're pissed at her?

 

Makes one wonder what he has told his wife about you...

[minimariah]

You all helped with that. I keep coming back to the forum every time I think or feel something new or something else happens and 85% of you talk me down from the ledge. I need that. I also need a nap. And chocolate.

 

nap. eat some chocolate. relax. spend a fun day just giggling and kissing your little boundle of joy. understandble, you're all over the place emotionally right now. look... the BS reached out. OK. IF you think you can handle it, meet her and talk it all out. be respectful BUT ALSO on high alert. however -- IF you think you're not ready or just not emotionally in the place to deal with everything... let your lawyer deal with everything.

 

take one problem at a time. you have a LOT going on and are INCREDIBLY sensitive right now... give yourself time. if you don't want to deal with the BS, then don't. let the lawyer handle everything. if she texts her again, reply and tell her that you're letting everyhing go through your lawyer because you simply need your peace. like, you just had a baby.

 

stay calm, as calm as possible. as long as she is playing fair - you play fair, too. and try to keep things as drama free as possible.

[66Charger]

None of this needs to be answered tomorrow.

 

Where is the need to put all this pressure on yourself? Whats going to change in the next week or month?

 

Send a message to all of them. You need a break and will get back to them once you feel up to it.

 

You are the mother who just gave birth. They can fkucng wait. The lawyers too.

 

Thats all.

 

Turtle fudge brownies by Duncan Hines.

Edited March 1, 2016 by 66Charger

[IfWishesWereHorses]

None of this needs to be answered tomorrow.

 

Where is the need to put all this pressure on yourself? Whats going to change in the next week or month?

 

Send a message to all of them. You need a break and will get back to them once you feel up to it.

 

You are the mother who just gave birth. They can fkucng wait. The lawyers too.

 

Thats all.

 

Turtle fudge brownies by Duncan Hines.

 

Unfortunately she no longer has complete control. The wife apparently acts. In this world you have people who act and people who think. The wife acts. Why add to anxiety and procrastinate when clearly they are ready to act. That only perpetuates the inevitable. I'm a thinker but I have plenty of actors in my life. Enough to know that it's better to get this all over with. If she's playing fair at the moment, run with it. Understand that even though things haven't gone as you thought they would, you only have control of your own actions. The actions of both of them are completely out of your control. Personally, I'd jump on the band wagon and move quickly with them. If you insist that all communication is through lawyers then you have no room to complain about the cost incurred in those communications. I'd finalize before they have a chance to think this through! I can't imagine doing this with all the stressors you are experiencing but under your circumstances moving quickly behooves you.

[S2B]

I'd meet with her - alone but in a public place. I wouldn't include him.

 

But only when you feel your strongest. Take your time.

[66Charger]

What would being patient harm?

Edited March 1, 2016 by 66Charger

[whichwayisup]

None of this needs to be answered tomorrow.

 

Where is the need to put all this pressure on yourself? Whats going to change in the next week or month?

 

Send a message to all of them. You need a break and will get back to them once you feel up to it.

 

You are the mother who just gave birth. They can fkucng wait. The lawyers too.

Thats all.

 

Turtle fudge brownies by Duncan Hines.

 

Mayfair is the one who sent the paperwork and got the ball rolling, she sent papers through her lawyer to send to their house about the baby so it's not like exMM and wife went looking for this, though now they are reacting, rightfully so.

 

May wanted exMM to be involved as a father and wanted his wife to finally know about the baby. Now they know, less than a week later.

Edited March 1, 2016 by whichwayisup

[66Charger]

Hows that working for her.

 

 

One will do what one wants, but it took months for me to iron out a custody agreement that lasted for 13 years to this day.

 

Again a extremely difficult predicament, so I will wish you and yours well.

Edited March 1, 2016 by 66Charger

[Mayday2016]

Mayfair is the one who sent the paperwork and got the ball rolling, she sent papers through her lawyer to send to their house about the baby so it's not like exMM and wife went looking for this, though now they are reacting, rightfully so.

 

May wanted exMM to be involved as a father and wanted his wife to finally know about the baby. Now they know, less than a week later.

 

 

 

No. I sent the papers to his work, both sets. My lawyer even wrote him a nice but firm letter saying we will be very discreet about all this. I had no intention of xMM's wife finding out and if she did, I did not want to be the one to tell her. But the papers never went to their home. Nothing ever did. Even when he requested the new set, HE too requested they go to his work address

[bathtub-row]

My thoughts on this very hot mess. First of all, you asked what your xH is doing by dragging his feet with the divorce. He's controlling you. That's what he's doing. Your entire relationship with him has been about control. Nothing has changed. Once this issue with xMM is resolved, you need to put a stop to what your ex is doing. My ex did the same thing for awhile and then I put an end to it through mediation. Game over.

 

As far as why your xMM has changed his tune about the baby is very simple. His biggest nightmare was having to tell his head-in-sand-wife that not only did he have an affair, but he now has a child by this person. Do you REALLY think he thought one second past that? It has been all about the wife not finding out because of the nuclear war it would start in his home. And it was only about that. Ok, war has commenced.

 

If I were married to someone who had multiple affairs, I would leave him. No question. If I were married to a man who had an affair and they had a child together, I'd be at a lawyer's office so fast, he wouldn't know what hit him. If I were with a MM who had multiple affairs, my heart would do a 180. This would completely turn me off.

 

So, having said all that, I know you have concerns about what their motives are. I have concerns that his wife must be off her rocker to stay with this guy but, whatever, that's her problem. So here's the deal. You don't have to worry about anything - their motives, her texts, whatever is going on in his head -- because you have a lawyer. That's what he's there for. So, just stop all this second-guessing and let the man do his job. And while he's at it, I hope he will be requesting that xMM pay your attorney fees.

 

As far as nursing your child for two years - not trying to tell you what to do - but, seriously, that seems very excessive. I breastfed my son for six months and that was enough for me. After that, I wanted my body back and I wanted my life back. I think you would do yourself a huge favor if you'd be a little more loving toward yourself and less of a total caretaker to others. It won't make your child sick and it won't mean you're a bad mom. There are limits to everything and I think you're taking that too far. Forget all the statistics about whatever you've read about the benefits of doing that for two years. I'm here to tell you that it's not only impractical, it's you being over-giving, over-compensating, and enslaving yourself in a way that is unnecessary. It seems you do that a lot, in all of your relationships. Do you see how it's not working?

 

It's like you make yourself subservient to those around you and, I hate to tell you, but this more often breeds disrespect more than anything. Your children need to respect you, not see you as a martyr. I hope this makes sense. I'm just trying to help you see how you're making your life way more complicated than it needs to be, in so many different ways. We do these things to ourselves and until we can understand the behavior that's driving that, we can't change the world around us.

Edited March 1, 2016 by bathtub-row

[stillafool]

I never saw his wife wanting this. It wasn't a possibility in my mind. He vehemently stated for 10 months (pregnancy and months after) he did not want her. Now 'they' do? I never thought she'd persuade him into this because all I heard was NO, NEVER, she is 'your child now and forever, I will not be a father in any way'.. And if this did happen I didn't expect it to happen 4 days after he told her wife. I'd figure they'd mull it over, my daughter would be MUCH older. She's 9 weeks old. I'm sleep deprived, I am hormonal, my hair is falling out, face is breaking out, my nipples are sore from nursing, and I am well past 'tired' ... I'm floored that this has happened so fast, so fast. I thought xMM would want to keep it discreet as he asked me to resend the child support papers to his work the day before he told her. Suddenly here she is texting me when it's all so fresh and raw. I thought I would have more time to heal from the affair and get over him before I'm thrust into potentially coparenting with him and his wife. I wanted him in our daughter's life but I figured he'd need time to want that and I'd have time to get over him.

 

I'm sure his wife doesn't want this. She was thrust into this situation thru shock and awe. You did know she was going to find out sooner or later, didn't you? You're surprised she persuaded him to do what you have been wanting him to do all along? Why aren't you happy that she has persuaded him to do what you've wanted? You were trying to persuade him by using sex which didn't work and now that she's involved things are moving at a faster speed which will help your daughter get her CS faster. You said you needed

time to heal from the affair but how can you heal from an affair by still having sex with him? I think you thought you would just have him involved in your daughters life but now that he's confessed to her they come as a package deal. She is letting you know they will support the child. Their focus is on "we" not "him" so the affair is definitely well over.

[sandylee1]

So far his wife has shown nothing but dignity, accountability and compassion towards you. You filed for CS and she's trying to make that happen and also let you know they want a relationship with his daughter. I think you need to cut her some slack.. especially having been a BW before yourself.

 

I know you've a lot on your plate right now... but a little bit of empathy wouldn't go amiss.

 

I do feel she's stuffed either way... she calls your lawyer and she's accused of racking up a high bill...she texts you and she's accused of manipulation. The poor woman hasn't done ANYTHING wrong and is trying her best given what she's facing.

 

Things will work smoother if you work with her on this..... and in turn you'll be less anxious able to focus on your baby girl. Babies can sense when their moms are uptight... so relax and calm down May.☺