Ms. Faust Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 OP may well understand that she could be paying child support. This is not an open and shut case by any means. While I understand the spirit of what you are saying I seriously doubt the courts will have an unemployed single mother with no education pay child support to a tenured professor. Just my layman's opinion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 I know on paper he is way, way 'too good' for me. There's ALOT more, his brother is essentially a celebrity and his mother was in politics in the 90's. That's what got me into the affair so deep because he had this worldly life whereas I was living in basically a closet for 10 years because my soon to be xH wouldn't even let me leave the house most days. I think it's safe to say his wife is definetly in it for the long haul. Women take a lot of crap when they have a wealthy, good looking husband. This is clearly a family she wants to remain part of. Oh to be a fly on the wall in their house eh. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Mayday it's not about him being too good for you, those things you wrote are just things. What about qualities that make a person "good"? You have had an very traumatic life with your ex-husband, you have three children one of them being an newborn and now another traumatic situation on your hands. It would be really beneficial for you to be able to talk with someone qualified in domestic abuse. There are reasons you went down the path you did and when you see for yourself you will be free of thoughts of MM and all the drama that goes along with him. I think this is a great post. It's disturbing that some people measure someone by their appearance and words than on their character and actions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 While I understand the spirit of what you are saying I seriously doubt the courts will have an unemployed single mother with no education pay child support to a tenured professor. Just my layman's opinion. Yes it would seem implausible, yet I assure you , that is exactly what happened in a case in my town. ANd yes unemployed doesn't mean they are not subjected to payments. At this point its feasible and equally plausible....Just food for thought as the OP considers all options and viable outcomes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Yes it would seem implausible, yet I assure you , that is exactly what happened in a case in my town. ANd yes unemployed doesn't mean they are not subjected to payments. At this point its feasible and equally plausible....Just food for thought as the OP considers all options and viable outcomes. I can see that happening if the unemployed party has minimal visitation and the employed person retains custody. Of course, it is all going to be dependent on the state. I have heard of mothers with full physical and legal custody having to pay child support to their ex because they were the breadwinner. Custody and "best interest of the child" can be quite complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 (edited) [] I have heard of mothers with full physical and legal custody having to pay child support to their ex because they were the breadwinner. i'm sorry, i don't understand this. shouldn't the child support be payed by the parent who isn't living with the child? Edited March 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator redacted response to edited post ~6 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 I am FOR the rights, comfort and well bring of mother and baby. The end. The thing is both women are mothers with babies and both would be right in protecting the rights of their child. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 i'm sorry, i don't understand this. shouldn't the child support be payed by the parent who isn't living with the child? Not necessarily, it is dependent on the state, income, custody plan, and the parties involved. If there is a significant income disparity it is possible that the primary parent would pay child support. I don't think it's common, but it certainly happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Doublegold Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Oh, I'm well aware he's toxic. On our last phone conversation I called him a sociopath, narcissist, that he had BPD, he was a terrible human being. These things while said in anger, are absolute truth. He has an allure though, a charm. He is very, very handsome. He is witty with an intelligent sense of humor. I know everyone here is not understanding the 'draw' and this is it- he is incredibly intelligent, he knows a lot about a lot of things, he is a beautiful conversationalist and he owns the attention in every room. Whenever he took me out women would practically break their necks to look at him and do whatever they could to catch his attention. His looks are on par with 'old' Hollywood actors, classically handsome like James Garner or Clint Eastwood. Plus his height is intimidating to a woman and there's something about that in itself. Believe me, I am NOT glorifying him right now but I understand everyone is struggling to see why anyone would want him. When he's bad, he's soul crushingly bad but when he's good, he gives you the time of your life. He has a lot of worldly life experience, he has lived an unusual life and his stories are a lot of what drew me in and kept me in the affair, kept me fighting to stay in it because when his mic was turned on, he had me totally captivated. But yes, I know he's awful for me. He exploited my feelings and manipulated me. He reduced me to NOTHING and I'm sure his wife is convinced I'm young and stupid, and I am in many ways, but I am acutely aware of what he is. I'm just having trouble because there's no Suboxone to help love sickness or the withdrawals of an affair, there's nothing outside of my own 'head' to break the spell that man had on me. I just have to keep reminding myself he's no good, he's bad, and there are even undertones of pure evil in the way he worked me and his abandonment of the child we created. Pretty is as pretty does. He is not as he appears to strangers. He is BROKEN. And he has broken you. I hope you can find it within yourself to move on from him for your own sanity and the well-being of your children. Your description of him reminds me of Jennifer Garner on Ben Affleck-- "I always say, 'When his sun shines on you, you feel it. ... And then he forgets you, and it's very, very cold." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 (edited) [] The drama she doesn't want is another woman being a threat to her marriage... by going after her husband. She knows there was a R between the two..and of course she won't want it starting up again. Now she's accused of wanting drama by deciding to reconcile. She could give the OP a million dollars and still be accused of plotting. She's stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's a no win whatever she does. Edited March 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator redacted response to edited post ~6 10 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Oh, I'm well aware he's toxic. On our last phone conversation I called him a sociopath, narcissist, that he had BPD, he was a terrible human being. These things while said in anger, are absolute truth. He has an allure though, a charm. He is very, very handsome. He is witty with an intelligent sense of humor. I know everyone here is not understanding the 'draw' and this is it- he is incredibly intelligent, he knows a lot about a lot of things, he is a beautiful conversationalist and he owns the attention in every room. Whenever he took me out women would practically break their necks to look at him and do whatever they could to catch his attention. His looks are on par with 'old' Hollywood actors, classically handsome like James Garner or Clint Eastwood. Plus his height is intimidating to a woman and there's something about that in itself. Believe me, I am NOT glorifying him right now but I understand everyone is struggling to see why anyone would want him. When he's bad, he's soul crushingly bad but when he's good, he gives you the time of your life. He has a lot of worldly life experience, he has lived an unusual life and his stories are a lot of what drew me in and kept me in the affair, kept me fighting to stay in it because when his mic was turned on, he had me totally captivated. But yes, I know he's awful for me. He exploited my feelings and manipulated me. He reduced me to NOTHING and I'm sure his wife is convinced I'm young and stupid, and I am in many ways, but I am acutely aware of what he is. I'm just having trouble because there's no Suboxone to help love sickness or the withdrawals of an affair, there's nothing outside of my own 'head' to break the spell that man had on me. I just have to keep reminding myself he's no good, he's bad, and there are even undertones of pure evil in the way he worked me and his abandonment of the child we created. You know.... thinking about this..it's really best NOT TO hate the father of your child. He was operating from a position of fear... fear of his wife finding out. A child outside the marriage is a big deal. He broke his vows and betrayed his wife. Accepting that you BOTH were wrong in having the affair would be a good place to start. He isn't to blame for EVERYTHING. People react in a certain way when they know they've messed up... that's pretty much what he did..... and truth be told he's not the first nor will he be the last man to not want a baby in this situation. The minute my friends sister told her married BF she was pregnant... she never saw him again. He's never ever seen his 13 year old son. Let's face it ... he had a lot to loose in this affair... your risk was minimal. Reaching acceptance is best. Realising it will be mostly you with your daughter... and them with her.. but NOT you and he together with her. That's not the way it'll be. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mayday2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Author Share Posted March 2, 2016 So asI was leaving my apartment (with my kids) his wife was outside in her car driving by painfully slow. As soon as she saw me she sat at the end of the road waiting for me to drive down there. I ended up doing a tight u-turn and exiting on the other end of the street. Should I be concerned? Was she planning on coming over and was surprised she actually saw me? Was it mild curiosity? It's one thing to bump into each other in town, it's another to drive to my house. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 (edited) So asI was leaving my apartment (with my kids) his wife was outside in her car driving by painfully slow. As soon as she saw me she sat at the end of the road waiting for me to drive down there. I ended up doing a tight u-turn and exiting on the other end of the street. Should I be concerned? Was she planning on coming over and was surprised she actually saw me? Was it mild curiosity? It's one thing to bump into each other in town, it's another to drive to my house. Who knows what her motives are. There's no point speculating. She didn't threaten you. She didn't even engage with you so let it go... Just keep aware. [] Edited March 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 6 Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 (edited) So asI was leaving my apartment (with my kids) his wife was outside in her car driving by painfully slow. As soon as she saw me she sat at the end of the road waiting for me to drive down there. I ended up doing a tight u-turn and exiting on the other end of the street. Should I be concerned? Was she planning on coming over and was surprised she actually saw me? Was it mild curiosity? It's one thing to bump into each other in town, it's another to drive to my house. Who knows what her motives are. There's no point speculating. She didn't threaten you. She didn't even engage with you so let it go... Just keep aware. [] Also write it down and keep a record of it. Keep a record of all of these interactions including dates and times. Use the notes section on your phone if that is more convenient. You can always email the notes to yourself. Edited March 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 7 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 So asI was leaving my apartment (with my kids) his wife was outside in her car driving by painfully slow. As soon as she saw me she sat at the end of the road waiting for me to drive down there. I ended up doing a tight u-turn and exiting on the other end of the street. Should I be concerned? Was she planning on coming over and was surprised she actually saw me? Was it mild curiosity? It's one thing to bump into each other in town, it's another to drive to my house. Mayday, you are doing VERY well. I am praying for you and for your situation. BW has established a pattern of behavior. Please be recording each contact or, in this case, action of shadowing you and your child, in the event it would be helpful to the court in your case. Dates, times, exactly what took place. Needs to be done consistently. Also, you, too, are establishing a pattern of behavior by taking care of your little one, not contacting BW or WH or shadowing either of them, and not reacting to BW's behavior. It is excellent that you didn't speak to her and turned around the other way, leaving the area. Continue to stay away from them and not react to her behavior in any way (except for processing your thoughts and emotions privately with your supporters who have proven their loyalty to you) first, because it's the right thing to do; secondly, as they also may be (their attorney may have instructed them to) keeping a log of your behavior. So far, you have done very well since all this has come to light. Keep it up!!! You can have a lot of control in beginning to craft a life of stability for your child by continuing to discipline yourself in not contacting WH or BW, as you are doing. Good for you! At some point down the road, after legalities have been settled, it seems to me you'd do well to get some outside counsel to help you navigate the pathway before you and your daughter, for the benefit of all involved. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Curiosity.....Perhaps she wants to see you in the flesh ....see the woman who her H had an affair with. See how you look after having the baby. This is a trauma for her. If it happens again.... best tell your attorney. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Possibly trying to see if her WH was there? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Mayday, I can totally understand your attraction to this man. I was with someone very similar and he was extremely hard to let go of. I did get tired of the affair, though, and ended it. I still have to see him every now and then but I have lost the feelings and admiration I once had for him. I never thought that would happen! Regardless of his charm, I realize now that it's just something on the surface and doesn't excuse other actions. Most of the things he says aren't sincere and I now find him completely untrustworthy. And that's a real turn-off for me. I know you don't think you'll ever get over your feelings for your xMM, but you will someday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Mayday, you haven't told us of how often you contact your attorney. I realize (all too well) how expensive it can be to do so. However, next time you talk with him it would be well to advise him of the BW's pattern of behavior, including her shadowing you today. In your shoes, I wouldn't make a special call to him about it if you are faithfully recording the events of her contacts; however, I'm not advising you not to. You are the one to make that judgment. She has, as per your posts, contacted you three times within the past two days, I believe. I could be wrong as to how many days her contacts have spanned. Don't have time right now to go back and check. But, even if it's three times over the period of a week, that is still a pattern that will be helpful for your attorney to be aware of as you and he proceed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Maybe I missed something, but how does BW know it's you? Have you met her before? Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 of course it does. the BS is irrelevant ONLY if MM gets supervised visitations or no visitations at all; in every other scenario, the BS will be around. so i mean... it matters if she wants to accept the child or abuse and isolate her - no? the MM from this story disappeared and can be found under his BS's skirt -- i assume every important move will be done by the BS. Since we're being literal here, let me rephrase what I said. It doesn't matter what we THINK the BS's intentions are. We can't possible know, nor can Mayday. So, my point is, it doesn't matter what anyone THINKS she's thinking. In order to be safe, Mayday would be wise to stay away from both of them instead of speculating what the BS is thinking. What she is thinking or doing right now is irrelevant to the matter at hand. Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 What is the BW's pattern of behavior? The text and her driving by OP's house? Or have I missed something else? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Since we're being literal here, let me rephrase what I said. It doesn't matter what we THINK the BS's intentions are. We can't possible know, nor can Mayday. So, my point is, it doesn't matter what anyone THINKS she's thinking. In order to be safe, Mayday would be wise to stay away from both of them instead of speculating what the BS is thinking. What she is thinking or doing right now is irrelevant to the matter at hand. I agree with this and the BW should be worrying about her safety as well and stay away from OP. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Also never underestimate the power of love. This woman obviously loves her husband very much if shes willing to act in this manner. She doesn't want her family broken up. Hence his continued cheating. She has proven to him that she's willing to put up with anything and he has no respect for her. Great way to let a man treat you. But, oh, wait! She loves him and wants the intact family. Yep, that makes perfect sense. Better to teach her daughter that men are simply jerks and she's destined to live with that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 But May told her to go through her lawyer. Then she doesn't want her to go through her lawyer. What is BS supposed to do? Usually, their lawyers talk to the others' lawyers. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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