His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[LivingWaterPlease]

I sucked it up and called my lawyer. He said absolutely dO NOT contact either of them. That he'll call their lawyer this week and see what she says. He filed our papers with the court already. He said he printed off the text screenshots I sent him to put in my file and he noted the date and time she shadowed me. He told me what I need to do is print off every email or screenshot every text where xMM said she's crazy or has mental issues and to make a folder for that. Then I need to make a folder full of him saying he wants nothing to do with the baby, that he won't give me money, that he refuses to be a father, etc.

 

I'm not sure what lawyer plans on doing with any of that but it'll keep me busy the next few days. There are probably 1,000 emails between us to go through.

 

Great that you've followed your lawyer's advice about not contacting exMM and/or BW and great that you are getting the records of their behavior together. You're fortunate that you have so much to work with so early on in your case.

 

Your records of exMM's and BW's behavior will tell the courts the story of the situation.

 

Since you haven't reached out to BW or exMM since dday with the BW your behavior also tells a story and it's a good stable one. Their attorneys have most assuredly counseled them to keep track of your behavior, too, and the fact that you haven't contacted them for any reason at this point, after she shadowed you, was very wise on your part. This shows you have self control and discipline, two good qualities for keeping your baby. You are building a solid case.

Edited March 9, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[Maddieandtae]

How does texts and emails about the supposed wife's mental stability help in a child support case? Why is this even your first task over what the married man told you himself he would not do i.e. pay child support or have an relationship with your shared child? It seems your focus should be on this man and what his shared responsibilities should be

[whichwayisup]

If you're really financially strapped, you might try reaching out to the wife. Tell her you were afraid for you and the baby and that is why you asked to go through lawyers. Then tell her you are destitute. Explain that you are having a very difficult time and that you cannot wait until the DNA test is complete, you get a court date, and the support is begun. She may be very sympathetic and help. If they aren't comfortable with giving money without a DNA test, perhaps they'd be willing to pay a utility directly or buy groceries/household necessities.

 

BTW, I know the wife watching you was creepy for you, but likely she was either curious or her H disappeared and she was watching your house to see if that's where he went. Either way, she didn't approach you or threaten you. And, after seeing you and the kids from afar, she might be willing to help you.

 

If she needs money right now, she has parents, siblings to help out financially. I think reaching out to xMM's wife and asking her for money, this after refusing to speak to the wife and telling her to go through lawyers only, it would be a big mistake! And could backfire on here. And certainly from the wife's POV she may think May is only after money period! Also fact here, we do not know what her exMM has told his wife about May, he could be telling her she's bi polar and crazy, just like he told May his wife was BP.

[whichwayisup]

How does texts and emails about the supposed wife's mental stability help in a child support case? Why is this even your first task over what the married man told you himself he would not do i.e. pay child support or have an relationship with your shared child? It seems your focus should be on this man and what his shared responsibilities should be

 

Emails and texts from exMM yes. From his wife? I agree.There's nothing negative there. All it will show is exMM's wife reaching out to May, not once, not twice, but three times asking to talk about what happens next and the future. It was May who ignored the texts and then finally told her not to text her again and speak through lawyers.

[whichwayisup]

Since you haven't reached out to BW or exMM since dday with the BW your behavior also tells a story and it's a good stable one.

 

? This is not true. She tried to woo exMM with sex, to come see the baby less than 2 weeks ago, he came over and didn't pay attention to the baby at all.

[Arthur_Fonzarelli]

He told me what I need to do is print off every email or screenshot every text where xMM said she's crazy or has mental issues and to make a folder for that.

 

i understand that your lawyer is looking out for your best interest, but what does painting this man's wife in such a negative light have to do with him(OM) being a total loser D-BAG to you and your child. i think that to be extremely cruel to this woman, given that you can't trust anything this man says.

 

 

i'm at complete loss as to why you would even entertain having a relationship with him if the situation had presented itself, let alone this woman sticking with him after all the crap he's put her through.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

How does texts and emails about the supposed wife's mental stability help in a child support case? Why is this even your first task over what the married man told you himself he would not do i.e. pay child support or have an relationship with your shared child? It seems your focus should be on this man and what his shared responsibilities should be

 

I would assume they could be useful in the event they ask for shared custody or even visitation.

[Doublegold]

I am sorry you are going through this. Not everyone can afford a laywer and sometimes even if you can there are options to take control and file yourself. I did this and more--using my local Libraries Data Bank:

 

I did all my filings myself

I went to court myself aganist him while he hired lawyers

I "won" my filings

I took it step by step

Eventually--he dismissed his own attorneys and I (for us) completed the entire Property Settlement Agreement (27 pages) Via my local Library Data Base.

Cost: ZERO for both of us.

 

Bottome Line: If you want something--you CAN make it happen. Sometimes you need to do just that.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Mayday2016]

? This is not true. She tried to woo exMM with sex, to come see the baby less than 2 weeks ago, he came over and didn't pay attention to the baby at all.

 

I last saw xMM one month ago on Thursday. Believe me, I remember.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry May! My mistake.

[Sassy Girl]

Not sure about this lawyer to be honest. Songs like Yu might be preparing for war- which may not be entirely necessary.

 

Lawyers care about billable hours... So be careful that they dont lead you down the path of acrimony to the point that you end up in a very expensive feud. There's no guarantee that your lawyers fees will have to be paid by MM.. But you can guarantee your lawyer will need to be paid nonetheless.

 

Not sure how the texts where he describes her mental state or diagnosis are relevant. I'm no lawyer, but last time I checked, what husband says is just hearsay, and not admissible, so sounds like a bit of a red herring. He's a proven liar. He fathered a baby with someone else. As if they'll take his word for anything.

 

From what I can see there are only 2 issues to sort out- child support and custody.

 

Child support can be easily determined trough some standard formula. That's not worth a fight in court.

 

As for the custody issue- well, you need to be realistic. He is the father. He does have rights. But more importantly- so does your daughter. And he is married, so your daughter had a step mother. You need to be very clear about what is best for your daughter. If you want her to have a relationship with him, it's not goi g to happen secretly in the car at the end of your driveway anymore. She deserves better than you've put up with. And she deserves to have a connection to both of you. Put aside your hurt feelings and figure out what is best for HER... Then ask for it through your lawyer. There's no need to overdramatise this and turn it into WWIII. But you are going to have to give yourself a good dose of reality first. You're not getting your happily ever after here.... But your daughter can.

 

Eta - if you start discussing money without even entertaining the concept of visitation or custody, you may come off a bit disingenuous when you refer to 'the good of the child'.

Edited March 9, 2016 by Sassy Girl

[sandylee1]

Yeah the emails where he describes his wife as crazy and bipolar will be for the custody .... to establish she isn't safe to be with the baby.....except if he was lying that will be disproved very quickly. Quite simply they'll require a medical diagnosis as proof and as she's raised her own daughter to the age of 3 without any known issues... proving she can't care for the child won't stick.

 

Especially bearing in mind MM hasn't got the best R with his daughter in the marriage..... so it's more likely the case that she IS THE stable consistent parent.

 

Him not wanting anything to do with the baby was his fear of his wife knowing. I'm sure when the details of how you met come to light ...his behaviour will not be a surprise.

 

There need to be compelling reasons for CS to be getting paid and the father not having custody... that's the thing your lawyer seems to be trying to evidence OR he's trying to make sure your baby will be safe in their hands.

 

Time will tell... but this could be a long wait. The courts have lots of paternity cases these days....

[Sub]

I'm sure when the details of how you met come to light ...his behaviour will not be a surprise.

 

Which brings up another point. I think OP needs to be prepared, that if she and the lawyer are going down this road of documenting all the emails and texts and drive-by's to paint a specific picture of the MM and his BS, it works both ways. She needs to protect herself and think long-term. But I'm sure the other side will be prepared for a battle as well if it comes to that.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I doubt seriously they want a lengthy battle. Child support is predetermined, I doubt seriously, they will order them to pay for her lawyer since she was aware that he was married but my guess is that depends on the judge. She's breastfeeding, so visitation will be limited. I think the biggest concern for both parties is that the lawyers sound like they're colleagues, they can draw this out for their own benefit. This should be over and done with quickly if both parties cooperate.

[Sub]

I doubt seriously they want a lengthy battle. Child support is predetermined, I doubt seriously, they will order them to pay for her lawyer since she was aware that he was married but my guess is that depends on the judge.

 

True. I don't think her lawyer is doing her any favors by giving her what potentially is false hope that the MM will be paying for everything, based off of some emails and texts.

[sandylee1]

Which brings up another point. I think OP needs to be prepared, that if she and the lawyer are going down this road of documenting all the emails and texts and drive-by's to paint a specific picture of the MM and his BS, it works both ways. She needs to protect herself and think long-term. But I'm sure the other side will be prepared for a battle as well if it comes to that.

 

Yes.. I'm sure that they will understand why a MM would not be thrilled about having a child outside the marriage and why he'd back off... I don't necessarily think he'll be thought badly of for this.

 

At least no worse than a MM having an affair with a willing participant.

[georgia girl]

I am not giving legal advice here but please do not expect that the other party will be required to pay your legal fees. I am not sure why the attorney even suggested it. This is not a circumstance where the judge would assign payment of legal fees for the opposite party, at least that I can see. What I expect will happen is that one side is petitioning for support and the other side will be petitioning for shared custody. The judge will be deciding two different issues and depending on how contested the issues are, it could be through a series of orders. You may have to go through a discovery period where each side discloses vital information to each other and there may be a series of maneuvers to eliminate some information as admissible (I.e. Some assets and/or hearsay communications between MM and Mayday).

 

Mayday, I do t say this to scare you but to help prepare you. This could be protracted, although it could also result in temporary orders u til the situation is fully litigated which would speed things up a bit. In the meantime, to whatever extent possible, I would try and investigate how you could live independently without support - not that your little girl doesn't totally deserve it. But it's better to not need it as much. Can you look into some low-cost daycare for working moms? Also consider social supports such as food stamps and Medicaid for your children. Lots of communities have a low-cost or sliding fee daycare option that would give you the opportunity to work.

 

You will be okay. I know it's an anxious time, but I am truly pulling for you.

[serial muse]

Not sure how the texts where he describes her mental state or diagnosis are relevant. I'm no lawyer, but last time I checked, what husband says is just hearsay, and not admissible, so sounds like a bit of a red herring. He's a proven liar. He fathered a baby with someone else. As if they'll take his word for anything.

 

From what I can see there are only 2 issues to sort out- child support and custody.

 

Child support can be easily determined trough some standard formula. That's not worth a fight in court.

 

Yes, I agree that it's odd that the lawyer would care about what a WS says about his BS to his OW - I'd think it's well-established that WS are likely to lie. But I'm not really seeing any signs here that there would even be a custody case, as the MM shows no interest in being involved at that level.

 

I'm also still wondering why the OP is certain that it was the BS who was sitting in MM's truck watching her -- rather than the MM, which seems far more likely to me. So I'd take that "shadowing" thing with a grain of salt, too.

 

But perhaps it will be good to go through these emails and sort things out mentally and feel proactive about moving forward, regardless of the direct outcome. I'm really glad you checked in with your lawyer, OP, and I wish you and your baby the best. (And I hope the lawyer helps you get some monetary support from MM soon.) Keep your chin up.

Edited March 9, 2016 by serial muse

[sandylee1]

Mayday

 

I hope you and the kids are okay.

 

I know things are tough for you money wise at the moment...but

during the pregnancy when MM expressed no interest and wanted you to terminate the pregnancy... did you have a plan or think about how difficult it might be for you financially? With 3 kids? Or did you bank on the fact that he would pay CS and that would be enough.

[Mayday2016]

Yl.

 

I'm also still wondering why the OP is certain that it was the BS who was sitting in MM's truck watching her -- rather than the MM, which seems far more likely to me. So I'd take that "shadowing" thing with a grain of salt, too.

 

.

 

She was in their sports car as I passed him on the interstate in his truck about 30 mins after the "event". It was her, she drives the sports car as her primary vehicle. He only uses it whenever she flies out of town 5+ times a year. I know both of their vehicles well.

[Mayday2016]

Mayday

 

I hope you and the kids are okay.

 

I know things are tough for you money wise at the moment...but

during the pregnancy when MM expressed no interest and wanted you to terminate the pregnancy... did you have a plan or think about how difficult it might be for you financially? With 3 kids? Or did you bank on the fact that he would pay CS and that would be enough.

 

 

 

I would make it work. Abortion and adoption were never part of the equation, ever. It's a little late for this, too. The pregnancy surprised the HELL out of me but I never once actively considered terminating or giving my child away. For the first two months after we found out (I found out at 10 weeks) xMM seemed on board. He said, "I support you no matter what you choose" .. He only changed his tune after he came back from summer vacation seeing his family. When he came back he said I should have had an abortion. He didn't even start saying things like "this is your pregnancy" etc until around the end of July.

[sandylee1]

I would make it work. Abortion and adoption were never part of the equation, ever. It's a little late for this, too. The pregnancy surprised the HELL out of me but I never once actively considered terminating or giving my child away. For the first two months after we found out (I found out at 10 weeks) xMM seemed on board. He said, "I support you no matter what you choose" .. He only changed his tune after he came back from summer vacation seeing his family. When he came back he said I should have had an abortion. He didn't even start saying things like "this is your pregnancy" etc until around the end of July.

 

I didn't realise he was on board at one point at all. Of course the baby is here now.... I just wondered. Personally I think once you've gone through a whole pregnancy and the pain of labour and delivery , adoption wouldn't be something I would ever consider.

 

I do see single parents struggle a lot though.. I mean it's hard being a parent even in a relationship.

 

You'll survive. There are people around the world in much worse situations and they get through it. I know that's not your concern.. but I remember when I had my daughter... and there had been an earthquake in one part of Asia....and a pregnant woman was delivering her baby on the street in all the chaos... I just said a prayer for what I had.

 

I don't know whether you've looked into whether you are entitled to get any benefits at all.. I'm in the UK...so the welfare state system is different.

 

Take care

[bathtub-row]

While I would never judge anyone for having an abortion or putting up a child for adoption, for some people both of those options are out of the question. Personally, I would have to be under some very dire circumstances before I'd do either of those things, so I totally understand Mayday's decision.

 

In 20 yrs ot so when her children are all grown, this will be a non-issue and she'll have all her children. Raising a child is a temporary thing in terms of having to support them. They are your family and those are very tough ties to break. Mayday did what was right for her and her babies. It's not a decision everyone would make, but it was the right one for her.

[13Hearts]

Lawyer probably wants the info about her mental instability in case they need to seek a protective order from the court.

 

Courts also order defendants to pay plaintiff's legal fees all the time and especially in domestic cases.

 

Go to Social Services and fill out application for cash assistance, food stamps, health insurance, and anything else you're eligible for. Go to food pantry and get food for yourself and kids. Social Services can give you immediate assistance for baby. Do it.

[EdibleWoman]

Mayday,

 

Call your lawyer and tell him/her to file for temporary orders tomorrow that establish temporary child support until permanent support is established. Tell the lawyer to ask for emergency relief so that you get a hearing quickly. There are procedures in place for this type of situation and you do not need to wait for a final hearing on the merits to get child support. If your lawyer says no, or that he/she can't do it, look up local legal advocacy clinics and get advice as to how to do it yourself and do not pay that lawyer one dime. Go into the court ex parte (meaning on your own) explain your situation, and ask for what you need. Sorry, but your lawyer is an idiot for making you dangle like this.

 

Good luck.