His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[Sassy Girl]

Right now hey have no incentive to get he ball rolling on this. The longer this takes, the longer it is before they have to start paying child support. Don't expect them to initiate anythjng at this point. I wouldn't.

[whichwayisup]

Im trying, believe me. It's just so hard. My daughter turns 3 months on Monday, I filled out the papers 2 months ago for support and so far nothing has happened. No lawyers have conversated, no court date to go before a magistrate to get a DNA or establish support, no interaction between Dad and baby even though his wife stressed they want a relationship. I'm just frustrated, I know things take time and most people have other distractions. I have no outside distractions. I'm with my children 24/7 and am reminded of all the things not being done because I have nothing to focus on besides providing for them. Therapy is helping but even he said at our session on Thursday he's surprised nothing has happened yet.

 

Do you regret now brushing his wife off a few times? She was willing to talk to you about the future and sorting stuff out. You shut the door on that and is it possible that their lawyer has advised them to drag it out.

 

Why can't you tell your lawyer to try to speed it up, to contact them? You're the only paying your lawyer so shouldn't he have to do what you request him to do? Why can't he make a phone call?

[whichwayisup]

"No lawyers have conversated."

 

Remember when you told your lawyer about the W hanging around your place? You said he said "it won't happen again". But if they haven't communicated, how exactly could he say that with such certainty? Something's off here.

 

I thought his wife drove by to somewhere she was while out, not at her home. Maybe this has something to do with why there's been no contact, if May's lawyer talked to their lawyer, they are just gonna drag it out as long as possible?

[sandylee1]

Have him served at his home or office.... you need to speed things up. I can tell you some lawyers really drag their feet and never treat any client as a priority..unless the really rich ones. This isn't likely to be a high earning case for either lawyer.

 

You can't be contacting them after saying to go through lawyers and your lawyer advising you to contact him was wrong. I get the feeling from what you said (about doing it without lawyers)... that YOUR lawyer isn't that bothered about your case at all.

 

These are tough times and it could be another 2 months and you may still not have any money from him. Just brace yourself.. legal stuff can really take a while.

[Mayday2016]

I feel like my lawyer has really dropped the ball. He doesn't treat either of my cases with him as priority. I can't afford to retain anyone else at this point though and I'm already about $2000 deep into my divorce case. I have to constantly call and email my lawyer because he doesn't reach out on his own and it's usually 'no update'.. I didn't want to email xMM, it felt like I had lost a little bit of myself when I did it, the power I had gained and was able to feel like I'm finally standing up for myself by being silent. I don't want xMM viewing it as a desperation or excuse for me to contact him. It hurt too realizing it had blocked all my means of communicating with him, I wasn't ready to feel that. My lawyer has given me the sense he was getting somewhere but my stbxh didn't give me my child support or spousal so I had to contact my lawyer to contact stbxh lawyer to contact stbxh so I could have money to take care of the kids. My lawyer isn't pushy enough because since October when stbxh was court ordered to pay me bi-monthly his payments are always 2-4 weeks late. I feel like my lawyer is so lenient he makes my soon to be xH feel like he can just do whatever he wants. I'm frustrated. My lawyer is supposed to be my advocate and he knows how bleak my financial situation is but he just hasn't made anything move.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I feel like my lawyer has really dropped the ball. He doesn't treat either of my cases with him as priority. I can't afford to retain anyone else at this point though and I'm already about $2000 deep into my divorce case. I have to constantly call and email my lawyer because he doesn't reach out on his own and it's usually 'no update'.. I didn't want to email xMM, it felt like I had lost a little bit of myself when I did it, the power I had gained and was able to feel like I'm finally standing up for myself by being silent. I don't want xMM viewing it as a desperation or excuse for me to contact him. It hurt too realizing it had blocked all my means of communicating with him, I wasn't ready to feel that. My lawyer has given me the sense he was getting somewhere but my stbxh didn't give me my child support or spousal so I had to contact my lawyer to contact stbxh lawyer to contact stbxh so I could have money to take care of the kids. My lawyer isn't pushy enough because since October when stbxh was court ordered to pay me bi-monthly his payments are always 2-4 weeks late. I feel like my lawyer is so lenient he makes my soon to be xH feel like he can just do whatever he wants. I'm frustrated. My lawyer is supposed to be my advocate and he knows how bleak my financial situation is but he just hasn't made anything move.

 

He's wasting your money May.

 

Get another one, this ones doing absolutely no good....

[LivingWaterPlease]

Mayday, are you at all connected to anyone you trust who can advise you as to who the good attorneys in your area are?

 

Have you asked your attorney to file for an emergency temporary order for child support?

 

You really need someone in your area that you trust who can help you through this; a counselor, a church, or social service agency.

 

You can often get valuable help, advice, resources, etc., when you connect with reputable compassionate people in your vicinity.

 

Also, when attorneys know you are connected to such people it may incentivize them to act more intentionally on your behalf.

[Mayday2016]

Mayday, are you at all connected to anyone you trust who can advise you as to who the good attorneys in your area are?

 

Have you asked your attorney to file for an emergency temporary order for child support?

 

You really need someone in your area that you trust who can help you through this; a counselor, a church, or social service agency.

 

You can often get valuable help, advice, resources, etc., when you connect with reputable compassionate people in your vicinity.

 

Also, when attorneys know you are connected to such people it may incentivize them to act more intentionally on your behalf.

 

I don't really know anyone. That's the problem. I live in a town that I moved to for xMM. I didn't meet anyone until October and they were women in their late 40's to late 60's. Only one I've told the whole truth about the situation to and she happens to work at the college, but she's not settled here herself and will be moving away again for a different position at a different college overseas. It's a very taboo thing having a baby by a married man, I've gotten so much flack from my parents and they've warned me that I shouldn't trust anyone not to judge me. I'm not religious, I do not believe in God so I find no refuge in a church. I tried to assimilate years ago but it was putting a square peg in a round hole, I have way different idealologies. I have been isolated for so long that I didn't try to break out of it until baby was born. I have a new therapist (he may know other lawyers, I know he knows theirs as he was an expert on one of her cases) and my oldest daughter has started therapy for herself and the woman spearheading that came over last week having me fill out paperwork to get a whole mess of social services. I'm trying to climb out of this hole but I just don't really have anyone solidly on my side that can help me make positive and effective gains yet.

 

I cannot begin to articulate my frustration. I'm frustrated because I feel like I can't even help myself and that I'm at the mercy of everyone else. This stage of life is so lonely and my mother's support only reaches so far. She's helped at times and hurt at others, it's a whole jar of worms there I can't open but unhealthy parental relationships as a child has definitely led to unhealthy personal relationships I have as an adult.

[LivingWaterPlease]

You mentioned that your daughter is getting counseling for herself through social services. Can you ask them about resources for a person who is in your situation?

 

Did your daughter contact social services herself? How old is she?

 

Mayday2016, I would truly like to see you get some help. Listen, this is a fact, you can go to most churches for help even if you don't believe in God.

 

That's one of the functions of a church, to connect with others and help them.

 

You are in a situation where you need connections and have none. Why not contact a church or two and just flat out tell them, "I don't believe in God but I really need help."

 

If you came to my church and asked that, we would help you and I believe most churches would have people who would help you.

 

Churches or social service agencies seem to me to be your only options for connecting with responsible compassionate people from what I've read in your posts. And you really need to be connected with others who can support you to get through this.

[EdibleWoman]

Ok - I am going to say this again with the hope that this time I get through to you. You need emergency temporary orders for CS. And yes, you can get an order for a paternity test as part of those orders. The fact that your attorney has not gotten them for you already means he is committing malpractice. He is a bad attorney. Period. Call the Clerk of the Supreme Court of whatever state you're living in, describe your predicament, and ask what relief is available to you to a) report your lawyer and hopefully get your $$ back from him; and b) get any and all legal aid resources available to you. Are you hearing this advice and will you follow it? There is a lot of consolation on this board, which is terrific, but you need to do something. You need to take action and you need to stop acting powerless. Your attorney has proven to you that he won't take care of things for you. Empower yourself and handle it for yourself and your children. You can do it. And get him served in the meantime. Make that be the last thing you're lawyer does for you. Speaking of service, who the @&$* cares where MM is served and whether it embarrasses him? Get him properly served! That one is mind-boggling.

[Poppy47]

I didn't realise how islolated you are from anybody and anywhere.

 

It is a situation I have experienced myself. How it would be with children, I cannot imagine. Do you Salvation Army there? I know they are a church but they will not force religion onto you. They have terrific community services.

 

Myself... no a believer.

 

You will go in a downward spiral if you do not have human contact. You will lose perspective, and I suspect you are, on the world and your own problems.

 

Please reach out somewhere.

 

Poppy.

[BurnedAndLost]

I can't pursue it right now. I have no one to care for the children and the money I receive is not enough to pay for a daycare or a sitter. It's kind of a catch 22 right now. Child care is very expensive here, one of the 'decent' centers wanted $500/month for just my son. I'm starting to pursue other resources because I can't keep living like this but I'm hitting walls. I never expected to ever be divorced and my xH had me assuming I'd be a Sahm for the rest of my life so he never allowed me to have a backup. I'm starting over with just a high school diploma and no work experience, it's really ****ing scary.

 

Im haven't finished the thread so i dont know if this has been addressed but you might be able to qualify for free or subsidized child care. Do you receive foodstamps,eic, or any other form of gov aid? If you do talk to your case worker about it I don't know where you live but around here most if not all of the daycare accept parents who are using it. It's called childcare initiative

 

[]

Edited March 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted accidental copy/paste ~6

[BurnedAndLost]

Sorry about that. I can't edit the post.

What i was going to say was, in my state the program is called childcare initiative. I don't know if goes by the same name where you are but just visit your state's official dhs website. I must warn you that you do need a job and/or attend school. But they tend to respond relatively quickly. When I was on it they replied in about 2 or 3 weeks.

[BurnedAndLost]

CCDF Grantee State and Territory Contacts | Office of Child Care | Administration for Children and Families

[georgia girl]

May,

 

I think all of this may have started because you wanted to go easy on MM, hoping for an outcome where you both were together. It's time to change course and begin moving on with your life. You have started the process with both you and your oldest getting counseling. I think the best next steps should continue to be empowering steps. In that case, I would suggest:

 

1) get him served as quickly as possible wherever that may be.

2) Google free legal advice and your county's or city's name. Consult those folks.

3) find out about free or low cost daycare.

4) get some form of employment. It will help solve two issues: lack of money and socialization. Plus, getting a job is a huge confidence builder. You just said you feel like you are dependent on everyone else. This helps you establish independencee.

5) you said child support papers and paternity testing papers are common forms available at your county building. Go get them yourself and mail to MM and his wife. You don't have to put a return address on it so they don't have to know it was you. While at the county building, inquire about making a demand for support yourself. They will likely recommend you be represented by counsel but a chatty court reporter will give you personal recommendations.

6) consider relocating back to where you had social supports. You moved to a new area for MM but he's done and gone. Perhaps moving back to where you had friends and family support will help you start fresh. Also, if MM and his wife have to travel to pick up your daughter in an eventual shared support situation, it makes them less likely to pursue it.

 

Above all, Mayday, the hardest thing you have to do is stop considering him when you are making plans for you and your family. I know you still somehow want him in the picture but it just isn't going to happen. YOU have to let go. You have to rebuild your life and you can't remain stagnant hoping for him. It's destroying you and your family. If there was no him, would you be living there? No. So don't stay if the only reason is because he's there. If it wasn't for him, would you have pursued having a career to support your family? Then go do it.

 

I am not trying to be cruel. I know how agonizingly tough it is to get over someone and I empathize. But at this point, I see your reluctance to get over him as holding you back. We already know you are tough. Now it's time to prove just how amazing you are.

 

Hugs, GG

[stillafool]

I feel like my lawyer has really dropped the ball. He doesn't treat either of my cases with him as priority. I can't afford to retain anyone else at this point though and I'm already about $2000 deep into my divorce case. I have to constantly call and email my lawyer because he doesn't reach out on his own and it's usually 'no update'.. I didn't want to email xMM, it felt like I had lost a little bit of myself when I did it, the power I had gained and was able to feel like I'm finally standing up for myself by being silent. I don't want xMM viewing it as a desperation or excuse for me to contact him. It hurt too realizing it had blocked all my means of communicating with him, I wasn't ready to feel that. My lawyer has given me the sense he was getting somewhere but my stbxh didn't give me my child support or spousal so I had to contact my lawyer to contact stbxh lawyer to contact stbxh so I could have money to take care of the kids. My lawyer isn't pushy enough because since October when stbxh was court ordered to pay me bi-monthly his payments are always 2-4 weeks late. I feel like my lawyer is so lenient he makes my soon to be xH feel like he can just do whatever he wants. I'm frustrated. My lawyer is supposed to be my advocate and he knows how bleak my financial situation is but he just hasn't made anything move.

 

May I know it still hurts but you have more important things to think about than how MM views you at this point. He isn't looking too good hisself right now and is probably balled up in a corner somewhere looking stupid. You have to remember that you did tell them to only contact you through your attorney which they are unable to do. It is normal for a couple who is reconciling to change their info after an affair.

[Joie]

Ok - I am going to say this again with the hope that this time I get through to you. You need emergency temporary orders for CS. And yes, you can get an order for a paternity test as part of those orders. The fact that your attorney has not gotten them for you already means he is committing malpractice. He is a bad attorney. Period. Call the Clerk of the Supreme Court of whatever state you're living in, describe your predicament, and ask what relief is available to you to a) report your lawyer and hopefully get your $$ back from him; and b) get any and all legal aid resources available to you. Are you hearing this advice and will you follow it? There is a lot of consolation on this board, which is terrific, but you need to do something. You need to take action and you need to stop acting powerless. Your attorney has proven to you that he won't take care of things for you. Empower yourself and handle it for yourself and your children. You can do it. And get him served in the meantime. Make that be the last thing you're lawyer does for you. Speaking of service, who the @&$* cares where MM is served and whether it embarrasses him? Get him properly served! That one is mind-boggling.

 

I disagree. Her lawyer is doing tons of work and he isn't even being paid for it currently. She owes him thousands of dollars. She calls him with trivial stuff complaining about the wife. She initially didn't want to serve him. She has now changed her mind when her plan of him leaving his wife and starting a family with her didn't work out. She is still legally married to another man. He signed an affidavit to disestablished his paternity but that doesn't create an obligation for MM. She isn't going to get an emergency order. Once he has been served she can ask for a temporary hearing but no judge is going impose a financial obligation on someone who hasn't even got notice.

[EdibleWoman]

I disagree. Her lawyer is doing tons of work and he isn't even being paid for it currently. She owes him thousands of dollars. She calls him with trivial stuff complaining about the wife. She initially didn't want to serve him. She has now changed her mind when her plan of him leaving his wife and starting a family with her didn't work out. She is still legally married to another man. He signed an affidavit to disestablished his paternity but that doesn't create an obligation for MM. She isn't going to get an emergency order. Once he has been served she can ask for a temporary hearing but no judge is going impose a financial obligation on someone who hasn't even got notice.

 

I thought she had paid her lawyer $2k - does she owe her lawyer $2k? If so, then yes that is a problem. But come on - this lawyer has taken two months and the mm isn't even served yet? That is atrocious. And it is worse doing nothing. May needs to try to get judicial relief and temporary orders in place, and she needs to start affirmatively acting instead of waiting for MM to do the right thing or her lawyer to do anything. Your post tells May what she can't do, which I don't think is particularly helpful. What do you suggest that she can/should do?

[velvette]

So my lawyer emailed me today. He said he hasn't heard anything from xMM's lawyer. It's been 2 weeks. He told me I need to email xMM and tell him that their lawyer needs to respond or he's serving him by sheriff.

 

Tried to iMessage xMM and they're not being delivered. I assume I'm blocked. Tried to email him, came back undeliverable. So xMM has made it so he can't hear from me. I have to say, it hurts. I'm not just the OW, I have a child because of him and he's taken away my ability to contact him. Baby is 3 months on Monday, too. Not sure what to do here. I'm about ready to say **** it and just let lawyer serve him and embarrass him at the college because of this. Is that petty? Baby is 3 months old and he hasn't contacted me and now I can't contact him. I didn't really want to email him but lawyer says if we can do things on our own that we don't really need lawyers for, I'll save money.

 

/sigh

 

 

Print the email out, take it to the Post Office or Fed Ex and overnight mail it to MM. Tell your lawyer you did that and pick a date by which if no response from their lawyer then he is served. Keep all your emotions out of the email and just state the facts your attorney told you to say.

 

If you are going to use an attorney then you need to do what he says.

 

 

But, I don't think its that difficult to file all this stuff yourself. You might want to research online for your county or visit the court house for family law and find out.

[kieraglass]

Mayday, our stories are similar. First off, I am so proud of you for having the baby. I remember your initial post. I encouraged you. I am so happy for you.

 

Your baby is all that matters. Nothing more. Just her. I wouldn't go near this woman. I have a really bad feeling. Communicate via email. Not in person. Do not trust either of them. Maybe I watch too much Dateline, but people do crazy things when it comes to money and love and jealousy.

 

Email only. Kept yourself physically and psychologically safe.

 

I'm so very happy you had your child. It was the hardest decision I ever made and even though it ended awfully I'd choose yes again in a heartbeart.

 

If you could ho through that, you can handle this and more. Hugs.

[Joie]

I thought she had paid her lawyer $2k - does she owe her lawyer $2k? If so, then yes that is a problem. But come on - this lawyer has taken two months and the mm isn't even served yet? That is atrocious. And it is worse doing nothing. May needs to try to get judicial relief and temporary orders in place, and she needs to start affirmatively acting instead of waiting for MM to do the right thing or her lawyer to do anything. Your post tells May what she can't do, which I don't think is particularly helpful. What do you suggest that she can/should do?

 

I agree with you MM needs to be served. She should send her lawyer a short email saying please have him served. Here is his home and work address. He is at work between X-Y and at home between X-Y. If I am understanding correctly and she does owe the lawyer money I would find out if she needs to pay for service up front or if the lawyer will advance her the costs.

 

Once he is served she can get an order for paternity testing and a temporary order for support after a paternity test. After that they can deal with custody/visitation/permanent support.

 

However, even getting a temporary support order is going to take time depending on where she lives.

 

If she wants the lawyers to handle it that is fine but she is going to have to wait on their timeline.

 

Honestly, my advice is stop treating her life like a lifetime movie. Contact the W (The xMM isn't going to talk to her). State that she has a lawyer and she understands that they have a lawyer but she is wondering if the can reach some common ground.

 

May needs child support and I am guessing that the W and xMM would like to have this matter settled so they aren't in limbo. Once they talk they can both take their ideas back to their lawyers to make sure they are in each of parties best interest before finalizing.

 

 

 

But I still agree with you. Even is she decides to talk with them she NEEDS to get him served. Without service she can't move forward.

[stillafool]

 

 

Honestly, my advice is stop treating her life like a lifetime movie. Contact the W (The xMM isn't going to talk to her). State that she has a lawyer and she understands that they have a lawyer but she is wondering if the can reach some common ground.

 

May needs child support and I am guessing that the W and xMM would like to have this matter settled so they aren't in limbo. Once they talk they can both take their ideas back to their lawyers to make sure they are in each of parties best interest before finalizing.

 

 

I agree also. May should put her emotions for MM aside in favor of getting this CS for the child going as soon as possible. It sounds like her best bet for this is to deal with the wife. MM doesn't seem to want to be involved with anything related to this. I think reaching a common ground is a good idea for now also. Anything so she can get money for the baby ASAP.

[Mayday2016]

I thought she had paid her lawyer $2k - does she owe her lawyer $2k? If so, then yes that is a problem. But come on - this lawyer has taken two months and the mm isn't even served yet? That is atrocious. And it is worse doing nothing. May needs to try to get judicial relief and temporary orders in place, and she needs to start affirmatively acting instead of waiting for MM to do the right thing or her lawyer to do anything. Your post tells May what she can't do, which I don't think is particularly helpful. What do you suggest that she can/should do?

 

 

 

I've already given him $3000 because my divorce has dragged on, I owe him another $2k

[Mayday2016]

I agree with you MM needs to be served. She should send her lawyer a short email saying please have him served. Here is his home and work address. He is at work between X-Y and at home between X-Y. If I am understanding correctly and she does owe the lawyer money I would find out if she needs to pay for service up front or if the lawyer will advance her the costs.

 

Once he is served she can get an order for paternity testing and a temporary order for support after a paternity test. After that they can deal with custody/visitation/permanent support.

 

However, even getting a temporary support order is going to take time depending on where she lives.

 

If she wants the lawyers to handle it that is fine but she is going to have to wait on their timeline.

 

Honestly, my advice is stop treating her life like a lifetime movie. Contact the W (The xMM isn't going to talk to her). State that she has a lawyer and she understands that they have a lawyer but she is wondering if the can reach some common ground.

 

May needs child support and I am guessing that the W and xMM would like to have this matter settled so they aren't in limbo. Once they talk they can both take their ideas back to their lawyers to make sure they are in each of parties best interest before finalizing.

 

 

 

But I still agree with you. Even is she decides to talk with them she NEEDS to get him served. Without service she can't move forward.

 

 

 

There's nothing to settle. This state uses a child support calculator. I'm not engaging the wife, I'm just not. XMM may have lied but I have 20+ emails and texts waiting to print where he said she's crazy, violent, manipulative, and underhanded, where he rehashed their therapy sessions and there were nights we spent together where she would go on texting rants and he'd hand me the phone making me see the **** she said. I do not trust this woman, I'm sorry. It's not emotion leading the charge, it's logic. I don't care if I'm basing that off of things he said that may or may not be true but he painted a very consistent picture and the last thing I want is to add a crazy woman to my plate. I'm already dealing with enough. I'd rather be poorer than a church mouse for the next year then start 'opening a door' with a person that my gut instinct tells me not to trust. She's not playing 'nice' .. I'm the woman that her husband cheated on her with for way over a year, he invested in me, and we created a child. Her picture perfect was a lie, because of me. She decides 3 days after finding out about all of this that she wants a relationship with the baby? The baby that's a result of her husband being unfaithful? That's a rash, snap decision where she didn't mourn, grieve, or analyze. I'm sorry but no. I love the advice I get here, you all have talked me off the ledge so much but I'm not going and turning to the wife as if she's a refuge and an answer to my prayers. Especially if my gut is absolutely right and she is manipulative, underhanded, and violent and tries to hurt me (however she can) or tries to hurt my daughter (however that happens)...

[MuddyFootprints]

Are you eligible for any social assistance? A lot of areas don't tolerate deadbeat dads and will enforce support on your behalf.

 

Perhaps a little last-resort, I don't know your true financial situation.