His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[anika99]

No one is going to know? Really? Workplace service is pretty dramatic, even if it's not performed by a uniformed deputy. And academic offices are particularly sensitive, subject as they are to ethical and moral and scrutiny. At the very least, the department would have to inquire.

 

Mayday, it does sound as if this MM has resources beyond his salary and would have to pay CS in any case. But collecting CS is not going to give you a life of your own. You need to do the hard work to become self sufficient so that you never feel this particular desperation again.

 

That is within reach for you, but you have to want that and value it. Get public assistance, get into a training program. Get a job, entry-level if that''s all that's available. Do the job while you prepare yourself for the next opportunity, and that will come.

 

Workplace service is dramatic? Maybe it depends on where you live, but I got served at work about 15 yrs ago and there was nothing dramatic about it. Some guy in normal clothes walked up to my desk, said are you anika99? I confirmed my identity, he said "you've been served" dropped a large envelope on my desk and then walked away. There was no scene and no drama. My boss and my coworkers never said a word about it because they didn't even know it had happened. When the guy first entered the office he asked for me by name and he was directed to me but he never told anyone why he was there. Even if someone was aware that I had been served they wouldn't have known why and I had no obligation to explain it.

[SoleMate]

I agree with Anika.....I was served at work too and the "drama" lasted all of 60 seconds. Mayday, you are speculating so wildly about exMM and what will make his life go a certain way. Please find a way to STOP CARING. How about, put a rubber band on your wrist and whenever you think about exMM or exBS in the slightest, SNAP it! You have plenty just within your own life to occupy you, I respectfully urge you to stay focussed on that.

[georgia girl]

Mayday,

 

I think your plan to go back to school is an excellent, long-term plan and I applaud you for considering it. Now, it's time to turn thoughts into actions. Can you reach out to your local community college and ask about financial aid and college prep courses? It's likely you can't just "go to college" but you'll need to pass an admissions screening first. Also, while your MM taught at a particular college, be mindful that its likely the one place you SHOULDN'T attend. Exposure or contact to him will only set you back.

 

Part of what I do professionally is assist people of all types who need to rebuild their lives for whatever reason. Predominantly and sadly, it's typically women and amongst those, typically single moms. It can be very debilitating to be in this role because women tend to feel trapped - can't work because of daycare issues; can't go back to school because of financial issues; can't move because of custody constraints... the list goes on.

 

The very first thing we typically work on is empowerment and not relying on another living soul to provide for you or your kids. When we do that, we focus on using social support systems such as Medicaid and food stamps to help makes end meet short-term, getting a job with flexible hours or nearby daycare, etc., to help provide some of the independence and financial means necessary and then getting access to job training skills, such as through a local community college or a women's displacement services program.

 

Women I work with are often asked to keep three sets of something. (Some use rocks, some use old baby bottles, etc.) Whatever it is, they write the current step on a piece of paper and put the marker on it. Then, the write the next step on a piece of paper and put the marker over it slightly behind the first. Finally, the write the third step and do the same. We only work three steps out. More than that and the effort is overwhelming and not sustainable. Less than that and we lose sight of the path.

 

I have found in my experience that doing this is incredibly empowering. I had one woman who kept all of the completed slips in a drawer (she had written COMPLETED) in a red marker on each one. Every time she couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, she would look in the drawer. In about six weeks, she'll finish her bachelor's program in business administration and she is interviewing for jobs that pay a family-sustaining wage. The greatest part? She recognizes that when she does graduate, she will not have any debt for her education and she will not have to rely on a cent from her ex-husband, who she has had to take back to family court at least a dozen times. She will keep making him pay and the money (her new marker) goes into her kids' education funds.

 

Mayday, it's time. As hard as it is, you have to recognize that your feelings for him are starting to harm you and your children's future. You can't wait on him anymore. He isn't going to come to the rescue. Neither is your lawyer nor your ex-husband. You need to rely on yourself. The good part of this is that you know you can do it - you went through childbirth alone and you left your ex-husband - and that becoming independent will make you less vulnerable to the kind of hurt you've been enduring.

 

Best of luck, GG

[Adoraxx]

Hey May, how are you doing now?

 

Hugs

Adoraxx

[Mayday2016]

Hey May, how are you doing now?

 

Hugs

Adoraxx

 

My lawyer got the notice and acknowledgement back, so once he files that the case will be fully commenced. XMM lawyer advised him to do a DNA test so my lawyer said xMM responded he wants one. That's ok if he pays for it I just hope it doesn't slow things down. All this is taking so long.

[Ms. Faust]

My lawyer got the notice and acknowledgement back, so once he files that the case will be fully commenced. XMM lawyer advised him to do a DNA test so my lawyer said xMM responded he wants one. That's ok if he pays for it I just hope it doesn't slow things down. All this is taking so long.

 

Yeah, these kind of things don't happen over night. In fact, they do tend to take a long time.

 

Before you said that you would be surprised if your MM asked for a DNA test. How are you feeling about it?

[georgia girl]

Mayday,

 

I don't know how it works in your area but in general, if the father doesn't agree to paternity, then your attorney filed a petition in court seeking to establish paternity. You become the petitioner and he becomes the respondent. Family court will set a hearing date at which point your attorney will again request he accept paternity. Most attorneys will advise their client not to accept paternity and the judge/magistrate will order DNA tests. In a week to 10 days, you should receive information on where and when to go get the test. Some places require appointments, some give you a window, etc. In any case, you both should have a time period of 8-10 days between receiving the notice and the testing window. In general, the window is open for 30 days. The tests are done and if it is court ordered, both attorneys will receive the results. Once the results come back, family court will establish a hearing date. An order of paternity will occur at that hearing but likely not before. IN My state, if the DNA is a 95% match, it's automatic. If not, the burden shifts back to the petitioner. As for paying, you are the petitioner so the judge would either order you to pay or if you can't afford it, then he would order the court to pay. If respondent is determined to be the father, the judge can then require the respondent to pay, returning your fee or the court's fee. I am assuming in your case, the court will likely pick up the fee.

 

Once paternity is established in my state, it can go one of two ways. If the attorneys are prepared, support and custody can be determined that day. If no agreement has been reached, the judge will likely continue the case to give both sides times to solve the problem.

 

My point is that this is a months long process at is quickest, unfortunately. The judge may order temporary support once paternity is established but not beforehand.

 

Take care, May.

[Mayday2016]

Yeah, these kind of things don't happen over night. In fact, they do tend to take a long time.

 

Before you said that you would be surprised if your MM asked for a DNA test. How are you feeling about it?

 

 

I am surprised. As baby has gotten older she is his twin and looks remarkably similar to his other child. He used to text me photos of his child all the time and I look at her and then my baby and I'm just like, wow.

 

I understand though. His lawyer doesn't want him committing to providing me years of money if there's a chance the baby isn't his. I'm just frustrated it drags this out even longer. And I hope the fact I'm still being married doesn't hinder this, even though my stbxh signed a paper stating he isn't baby's father, I just worry. I worry about everything, like what if xMM circumvents this somehow? I'm torn on so much. People here remarked often that I was wishy washy but wanting things to go certain ways comes with caveats and it's like accepting a lesser of two evils.

[georgia girl]

Mayday,

 

You're doing a LOT of things right! Please don't be hard on yourself and if I'm making you feel that way, I'm sorry. I wanted to give you timelines to help you plan. It's better to anticipate that this could take months and plan for it, vs. thinking it will take a short time. As for explaining why his attorney would never just allow him to agree to paternity, I thought it would be easier to hear and know, vs. thinking that he is still denying her.

 

You ask if you still being married could complicate things. The answer is yes, but I actually think you've guarded a bit against this if you and your husband both signed affidavits testifying that there isn't a possibility that the baby could be your husband's. In the eyes of the law, a child born inside of a marriage is a child of those parents. By the two of you agreeing that this is not the child of the marriage, you're able to enter into court with that established and it has the real potential of being a non-issue. Be warned, your baby's father could raise it as a potential issue and if that happens, his attorney is just doing his due diligence. Please don't be offended by it.

 

You are doing great, Mayday. It had to be so hard to pursue child support particularly when you're also facing a broken heart. Keep up the good work. Focus on starting college and taking care of children who adore you... they're your future. Hugs, GG

[ChickiePops]

I am surprised. As baby has gotten older she is his twin and looks remarkably similar to his other child. He used to text me photos of his child all the time and I look at her and then my baby and I'm just like, wow.

 

I understand though. His lawyer doesn't want him committing to providing me years of money if there's a chance the baby isn't his. I'm just frustrated it drags this out even longer. And I hope the fact I'm still being married doesn't hinder this, even though my stbxh signed a paper stating he isn't baby's father, I just worry. I worry about everything, like what if xMM circumvents this somehow? I'm torn on so much. People here remarked often that I was wishy washy but wanting things to go certain ways comes with caveats and it's like accepting a lesser of two evils.

 

I'm not asking this to be mean..I'm genuinely curious. Is there a chance that she's NOT MM's daughter?

[Mayday2016]

I'm not asking this to be mean..I'm genuinely curious. Is there a chance that she's NOT MM's daughter?

 

 

Not at all. As messed up as this sounds when I dedicate myself, I dedicate myself. XMM was seeing other women besides me, besides his wife yet xMM was my one and only. My husband had even come up to our state in August, he put the moves on me and I pushed him away. That's not my personality, usually I'm accepting of advances. But Something has happened to me as the thought of being with another man that isn't xMM makes me sick. Maybe there will come a time where I'm ready to move on but it certainly isn't now, and not while I have a young baby. My therapist asked me tonight too if I want to be with someone. He said I'm young and beautiful so I shouldn't count myself out yet but I kind of have. I have so much on my plate and my heart is so shattered, I don't know when I'll ever truly get past this to trust anyone in that way again. When I was in the affair I was deeply in it, I treated him with nothing but loyalty and not out of respect for him but for myself. It was my heart asking me to essentially give all of me to him and not be with anyone else. But to answer your question, baby is his. Sorry for the wall of text. I'm melancholy tonight, I always am after therapy it seems as I'm reliving a lot of the good parts too. And there were. I've had to go through emails and texts for my lawyer and in the beginning he was talking about divorcing his wife, he was telling me he so wanted to be 'my person' and he would do whatever it took to earn my trust to be that. and then immediately after I told him I was pregnant it's like he stopped wanting the intimacy and love. Anyway.

[bathtub-row]

I believe it was Dr Gray who said that the woman is a jewel. Most women don't think of themselves that way. Instead of knowing our worth and stepping back to let the man prove himself, we're often far too eager to give a man the gift of ourselves before he proves he's worthy of that.

 

Mayday, you're loyal and good but it seems it never ocurred to you to ask yourself if xMM was worthy of being invited into your life and into your home. If you had, you would've known immediately that a man who's cheating on someone he's in a relationship with is not someone to risk your happiness on. I'm not saying these things to beat you up, but I say them in the hope that you'll see where you had control over your fate in this situation. Had you been more cautious and self-protective, you wouldn't be hurting as you are today. It's a hard lesson but not a wasted one if you will learn to be more discerning in the future where men are concerned. I have been there myself.

 

You are eternally changed...and that's not necessarily a bad thing.

[whichwayisup]

Don't let this ruin your future with another man. You're too young to say you'll never trust again.

 

I think once you make the final decision to let go of exMM from your heart and see him for who he truly is, in time you will feel less and less and be able to move on with someone else in the future. Problem is, and please correct me if I'm wrong but if exMM knocked on your door, begged to talk to you, have sex with you to kiss you etc., would you slam the door in his face or invite him in? Unfortunately because you're still in love with him part of me thinks you'd invite him in, regardless of everything else that's happened.

[Mayday2016]

So I use Instagram as an almost diary for myself. I post pictures of the baby, my life, little quotes, and even photos from my hobby.

 

Last night I saw I had 2 new notifications. They were from his wife. She commented on 2 photos- one I had posted when I was feeling very raw and hurt. Basically talking about the dissolution of my marriage and then things with xMM where I just said because of things with my ex (I just call him ex because I don't want to put his name anywhere) that I'm scared to move on, to put myself out there again or something to that effect. She said: "He's not your ex. He is a man you met on an affair website. You don't need spider sense to avoid that one."

 

And it's resonated with me all morning. For one, I had no idea she had started trying to find me on more social media platforms than Facebook.

 

Two, what she said hurts me but also makes me wonder if THEY view me as a crazy person here. It was 15 months, there was romance for the first 6/7 months, we'd spend 2-3 nights together a week, I cooked him dinners, we'd text for 8 hours every night, sharing intimate heartfelt things. But am I crazy? Should I (on my own personal space) not call him my ex? Am I not justified in doing so? I doubt she knows the extent of the affair. I doubt he told her any of this and I will never be the one to do so, I will never engage. No matter what she will never see the texts where he says he doesn't love or like her, where she's insane, where he's planning on throwing money at her and walking away. I never wanted to outright hurt her and I'm excusing what she did because she has every right to hurt me... But that was my safe space although nothing we put online is private, ever.

 

I'm still in a little bit of shock. I felt like I had a corner where I could just live my life (somewhat) and share more of myself than I feel comfortable doing on my Facebook that most of my family follow, and here his wife came and invaded that space. Am I in the wrong?

 

When we sit down in mediation of court or even all together (because I have a feeling once child support is hammered out I'll be made to do that) what do I say? How do I address him? Address what it was? How do I even talking about it? What terms do I use?

[Adoraxx]

So I use Instagram as an almost diary for myself. I post pictures of the baby, my life, little quotes, and even photos from my hobby.

 

Last night I saw I had 2 new notifications. They were from his wife. She commented on 2 photos- one I had posted when I was feeling very raw and hurt. Basically talking about the dissolution of my marriage and then things with xMM where I just said because of things with my ex (I just call him ex because I don't want to put his name anywhere) that I'm scared to move on, to put myself out there again or something to that effect. She said: "He's not your ex. He is a man you met on an affair website. You don't need spider sense to avoid that one."

 

And it's resonated with me all morning. For one, I had no idea she had started trying to find me on more social media platforms than Facebook.

 

Two, what she said hurts me but also makes me wonder if THEY view me as a crazy person here. It was 15 months, there was romance for the first 6/7 months, we'd spend 2-3 nights together a week, I cooked him dinners, we'd text for 8 hours every night, sharing intimate heartfelt things. But am I crazy? Should I (on my own personal space) not call him my ex? Am I not justified in doing so? I doubt she knows the extent of the affair. I doubt he told her any of this and I will never be the one to do so, I will never engage. No matter what she will never see the texts where he says he doesn't love or like her, where she's insane, where he's planning on throwing money at her and walking away. I never wanted to outright hurt her and I'm excusing what she did because she has every right to hurt me... But that was my safe space although nothing we put online is private, ever.

 

I'm still in a little bit of shock. I felt like I had a corner where I could just live my life (somewhat) and share more of myself than I feel comfortable doing on my Facebook that most of my family follow, and here his wife came and invaded that space. Am I in the wrong?

 

When we sit down in mediation of court or even all together (because I have a feeling once child support is hammered out I'll be made to do that) what do I say? How do I address him? Address what it was? How do I even talking about it? What terms do I use?

 

Dear May, I'm sorry to hear that she found you on Instagram. I'm not on Instagram myself but can you somehow block people on it? Or can you put it so that only some people can see your Instagram? I'm very careful with social media and I never put any pics or personal information on there, so I'm not sure what to advise you on this but if I were you, I wouldn't post much personal information. You never know who will use it against you...

 

About your question 'what do I say? How do I address him?' : did your lawyer give you any advice about that? I think he'll speak for you but I've no experience with it, so I'm not sure. Have you heard anything from him since the last time?

 

Sending you hugs,

Adoraxx

[Mayday2016]

I put my account as private. I didn't want to outright block her as not to instigate anything. I deleted the photos she posted on which I now regret because I'm sure my lawyer would have wanted to see but it was embarrassing what she posted on that and then what she posted on another photo where she said: I don't think so; my husband is an atheist.

 

I think I updated that lawyer said their lawyer sent him the papers xMM filled out so our case will be official. He didn't give me any dates or timeframes. He also said xMM advised xMM to get a paternity test.

[Mayday2016]

And no, my lawyer hasn't given me any advice. He thinks I handle myself pretty well. He said I've been very articulate in the mediations with my stbxh, I think he figures I can handle myself. I just can't imagine being in the same room with xMM and his wife at the same time talking about my daughter with xMM. What if they bring up personal stuff about the affair? Are they allowed to do that?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I follow my kids on Instagram and I know that you can set it to private. You know that she has looked you up on social media before, if your account is public I can't see how it would be a surprise. If you had a diary, you wouldn't leave it sitting out in the break room at work. Of course she is curious about you. I'm sure he did lie and make your relationship seem less than it was. Why wouldn't you ever set her straight if given the chance? It's certainly a personal choice, but I find it hard to believe you could still have an allegiance to this man.

 

How do you refer to him? Does it matter? By name where appropriate, by ex if it makes you feel better.

 

 

Unless you are trying to engage her, put your accounts on private. It's just a wise thing to do. Sorry you are still hurting, when I saw your post I had hoped for good news for you and that things were moving forward with your case. Soon, hopefully.

By the time I posted I saw your new replies.

Edited March 29, 2016 by IfWishesWereHorses

[Mayday2016]

I did end up setting it to private. I selectively post personal things as I use it mainly for my photography and just 'my life' as I wanted a blend of personal and professional as if to put a face and a life and a story behind my art/work. I'm going to just make an account for strictly photography and not include anything else on it.

 

I don't necessarily have an allegiance to him. I just feel like if I were to 'set the record straight' it would be tacky and hurt me. I can't explain what I'm trying to say. I just want to feel like I'm above having to breakdown and get on a low level and say- hey, your husband cared deeply for me, here's proof. We were together for xx months, here's proof. It would feel to me as if I'm looking like I'm trying to break them up or trying to hurt her, and I'm not. I feel as if I were to do that it would as if I were being a catty, underhanded other woman trying to be sneaky and hurt their relationship. Maybe that's not how it would come across but in my head that's how it all would look to me. I don't want this woman thinking I'm trying to 'steal her man' so I'd rather not say anything about him or us or what we were to her.

[Ms. Faust]

May, I noticed you have approached this situation with a degree of naivete, which is totally understandable as this is all new to you. Everything we advised you from when you were pregnant has happened because most of us have either read or been a part of this story. Plus, the way he treated you while you were pregnant was a huge indicator on how things would go.

 

 

And it's resonated with me all morning. For one, I had no idea she had started trying to find me on more social media platforms than Facebook.

 

Yup. No surprise. She is going to look for you everywhere on the internet. Social media is the first thing BS' hit up, so I would strongly urge you to lock EVERYTHING down, including things like Pininterest and LinkedIn.

 

Please, put yourself in her shoes: she just found out her husband not only cheated on her but now has a new baby AND they are looking at paying child support for that baby which takes funds away from her family and gives it straight to someone who is a constant reminder of her pain. She is probably not only going to stalk your social media platforms, but more than likely she will do it obsessively.

 

And that has nothing to do with her supposed mental health condition and everything to do is that her world has just been straight f*cked.

But am I crazy? Should I (on my own personal space) not call him my ex? Am I not justified in doing so?

You can call him whatever you want on your own personal space, but technically what she said is right. He is not your ex. Annnd, it looks like he at least told the truth on how you guys met.

 

I doubt she knows the extent of the affair.

Gently now, but a lot of the things that you thought and believed have been wrong up until this point. But really, what is the point of wondering how much he told her about the affair? For all you know he could have had a come to Jesus moment and decided to spill everything... but more than likely he did what he does best and lied.

 

No matter what she will never see the texts where he says he doesn't love or like her, where she's insane, where he's planning on throwing money at her and walking away.

 

I am sure the BS will have no issues telling you what he has said about you. I can almost guarantee his wife is not the crazy one now, and you are.

 

 

Which, btw, I don't know why you choose to believe him about her mental health considering how he has lied and spun things to his benefits. So he showed you texts and emails? That doesn't mean anything. You are biased, and will filter things to favor him. And you don't know what he did before that to make their relationship so rocky to begin with... maybe he had a previous affair and she knows about that one, too? You say your husband ran around, but I am not sure you truly understand the devastation infidelity can wreck on some peoples' lives.

 

That being said, the BS is probably pretty mentally compromised at this point. But her priority is going to be to protect her daughter. HER daughter and her family. And taking for granted that there is a strong possibility that your ex MM told her you're the crazy one how do you think she views you?

 

But that was my safe space although nothing we put online is private, ever...

 

Social media is too public to be anyone's safe place, IMO.

 

 

 

When we sit down in mediation of court or even all together (because I have a feeling once child support is hammered out I'll be made to do that) what do I say? How do I address him? Address what it was? How do I even talking about it? What terms do I use?

 

They will probably separate you guys, so you may only see them in passing. Your lawyer should guide you.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

That makes sense. You will most likely have to deal with her in the future. It just seems that if you were able to say, look, he lied to me as well. He misrepresented your relationship to me and I moved my family here based on his lies. It just seems like the sooner the truth comes out, the less reason for anxiety in the future.

[Ms. Faust]

Mayday, just to be clear as I only briefly mentioned it, but it is not uncommon in mediation (especially ones with the potential of being volatile) to put the parties in different rooms. So you will be in one room, the MM and his spouse in the other, and the mediator will run back and forth between the rooms.

Edited March 29, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[Cherryz]

Before messing with this married man did you knew he was married or not single at-least?

 

Then why even have any kind of interaction with him till it ends up in affair and you being pregnant?

As hard as you think its for you, harder is it for his wife and the baby that will

have to deal with dirty looks and so on growing up.

 

And if you allowed yourself to get pregnant also of this man, the last thing you want to do is to keep the affair going on. Knowing that he have a wife.

And you will NEVER win from a wife!

I think the wife may have questions and concern and if she have kids and if she gonna stay married with him, and him involved in your babys life, you will have to face the wife either way.

 

She may have the right to have a conversation with you!

Since its her man that you slept with and its their money that you are asking for.

 

I think since you are a adult, you should take responsibility for your actions!

To clean up this mess once and for all, the best thing for you to do is to disappear and only have contact if needed about the kid true lawyer or social-worker.

since hes the father.

Or just disappear and dont look for any contact yourself and leave it to the child to do so when hes older.

 

After such drama, the last thing you want is to make more mess.

Dont know which of you started the affair but this man is also not worth it or still not available. Worry about your child and better your life,get over him.

Leave this man alone. He is a married man just like when you met him.

Respect that!

Stop making your life harder.

And i guess the wife told you why she want to meet you. If its things that you can answer true a letter , do that, or if you can true phone.

But you only gonna have a strong stand in that if you stopped messing with her man or make the decision to alk away.

 

If you still messing with this man , then dont contact the wife, because she will beat you up for sure lol.

 

Find your worth as person, and leave this messy guy. And may it be only time you contact the wife in the near future is to apologize to her!

[Cherryz]

Topic starter, reading some of your other comments gives the impression that you like the drama and messiness.

And dont want it to end or not looking for any kind of peace or closer or to have less damage.

 

You really need to understand that you are on the loser side here!

And far from the wining side!

So the last thing you want to do is keep making noise at everything and everywhere.

 

In your case i really think disappearing would be the best thing for you.

Leave the internet drama, and commenting on stuff on facebook and so on.

You not a teenager. Get busy with real life and what is really yours.

 

It almost sound like you not looking for childsupport or your kids best interest but for that last one thing that you can use to try to be relevant in this MARRIED

[LivingWaterPlease]

Mayday2016, good for you in setting your account to private and also good for you in maintaining NC with BS as your attorney has advised. There are many reasons to stay NC with her.

 

From the way you've posted about handling the situation I would guess you've recorded, to the best of your memory, what she wrote on your instagram account along with the times and dates? If not, it probably makes sense to do so while it's fresh in your mind.

 

I'm sorry you've had this bit of a setback, in a sense, in having heard from her. There are many possibilities as to why she's trying to engage with you but your lawyer has given you great advice with telling you to stay NC. I encourage you to continue to ignore her attempts to communicate with you and to record them as promptly as possible.

 

When recording this latest attempt of hers on instagram, you may want to note that the reason you didn't take a screen shot is because you were eager to get them off your account asap as it was embarrassing to find them on your account.

 

To me, it speaks well of you that you won't engage in a dispute or conversation about the circumstances with her privately and/or especially publicly.