His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[Cherryz]

mans life.

Stop the drama.

As other woman, the last thing you should do is to be loud and all over the place and having comments on things everywhere.

 

If its child support you looking for. Let the lawyer take care of it and shut your mouth about it further.

No need to contact email inform him, react on his wife and so on.

 

And if you can take care of your kid yourself financially why dont you just leave this man alone!????

To end all this drama? And stop acting like he own you or you the most important thing rigth now.

[Mayday2016]

mans life.

Stop the drama.

As other woman, the last thing you should do is to be loud and all over the place and having comments on things everywhere.

 

If its child support you looking for. Let the lawyer take care of it and shut your mouth about it further.

No need to contact email inform him, react on his wife and so on.

 

And if you can take care of your kid yourself financially why dont you just leave this man alone!????

To end all this drama? And stop acting like he own you or you the most important thing rigth now.

 

 

You are way late to the party. There are 500 responses on this thread, if you want to just skip to the end that's on you but there's plenty of vital facts which I've posted about here.

[Mayday2016]

I received notice that we have a date in mid May to get before the magistrate. I'm not sure if paternity will be established before this court date or after, when she can order it.

[waterwoman]

I received notice that we have a date in mid May to get before the magistrate. I'm not sure if paternity will be established before this court date or after, when she can order it.

 

I hope this is the start of some resolution and peace for you all x

[whichwayisup]

So I use Instagram as an almost diary for myself. I post pictures of the baby, my life, little quotes, and even photos from my hobby.

 

Last night I saw I had 2 new notifications. They were from his wife. She commented on 2 photos- one I had posted when I was feeling very raw and hurt. Basically talking about the dissolution of my marriage and then things with xMM where I just said because of things with my ex (I just call him ex because I don't want to put his name anywhere) that I'm scared to move on, to put myself out there again or something to that effect. She said: "He's not your ex. He is a man you met on an affair website. You don't need spider sense to avoid that one."

 

And it's resonated with me all morning. For one, I had no idea she had started trying to find me on more social media platforms than Facebook.

 

Two, what she said hurts me but also makes me wonder if THEY view me as a crazy person here. It was 15 months, there was romance for the first 6/7 months, we'd spend 2-3 nights together a week, I cooked him dinners, we'd text for 8 hours every night, sharing intimate heartfelt things. But am I crazy? Should I (on my own personal space) not call him my ex? Am I not justified in doing so? I doubt she knows the extent of the affair. I doubt he told her any of this and I will never be the one to do so, I will never engage. No matter what she will never see the texts where he says he doesn't love or like her, where she's insane, where he's planning on throwing money at her and walking away. I never wanted to outright hurt her and I'm excusing what she did because she has every right to hurt me... But that was my safe space although nothing we put online is private, ever.

 

I'm still in a little bit of shock. I felt like I had a corner where I could just live my life (somewhat) and share more of myself than I feel comfortable doing on my Facebook that most of my family follow, and here his wife came and invaded that space. Am I in the wrong?

 

When we sit down in mediation of court or even all together (because I have a feeling once child support is hammered out I'll be made to do that) what do I say? How do I address him? Address what it was? How do I even talking about it? What terms do I use?

 

Social media is public - If you want to vent in privacy to friends and family then email them or create a private blog invitation only. Posting on facebook, instagram and making it open to the public is on you. Change your settings to friends only.

 

Two, what she said hurts me but also makes me wonder if THEY view me as a crazy person here.

 

Of course they do. Just like (x)MM painted the picture that his wife was crazy to you. He said awful things about her, so there's a pretty good chance he's said nasty stuff about you to his wife.

and here his wife came and invaded that space. Am I in the wrong?

And she feels you invaded her life by having an affair with her husband.

Again if you want to vent, do so, in emails or a private blog and making all your setting private. If you allow anybody to view your fb and instagram and it's public, then nothing is stopping her from lurking and writing to you.

[heartwhole]

 

Two, what she said hurts me but also makes me wonder if THEY view me as a crazy person here. It was 15 months, there was romance for the first 6/7 months, we'd spend 2-3 nights together a week, I cooked him dinners, we'd text for 8 hours every night, sharing intimate heartfelt things. But am I crazy? Should I (on my own personal space) not call him my ex? Am I not justified in doing so? I doubt she knows the extent of the affair. I doubt he told her any of this and I will never be the one to do so, I will never engage. No matter what she will never see the texts where he says he doesn't love or like her, where she's insane, where he's planning on throwing money at her and walking away. I never wanted to outright hurt her and I'm excusing what she did because she has every right to hurt me... But that was my safe space although nothing we put online is private, ever.

 

I'm still in a little bit of shock. I felt like I had a corner where I could just live my life (somewhat) and share more of myself than I feel comfortable doing on my Facebook that most of my family follow, and here his wife came and invaded that space. Am I in the wrong?

 

 

I can't answer for these people, but I can tell you how I view the things OW puts on social media. I feel like I shouldn't have to live in a world where another woman is publicly pining for my husband as though there's nothing wrong with that. She's putting it out there, and I believe she's putting it out there on IG and Twitter precisely because we have her blocked on FB, because she didn't seem to be an oversharer on those platforms before DD. I'm sure she's imagining that it's WH, not me, who's reading it. But like most MM, he's totally compartmentalized the affair and moved on and never thinks about her. I'm the only one who does.

 

Now, in your case, you have a child and you need to be coparents, and your posts online are not the only evidence of your affair . . . your child is living proof. So a level of acceptance and maturity is required here on everyone's parts. He fathered your child; I think "ex" is probably the easiest thing to call him.

 

Do we view OW as crazy? I wouldn't say crazy. Again WH will take the easy way out emotionally unless I require otherwise, and it's been easier for him to go from vilifying me to vilifying her. That happened pretty quickly. I'm sure that would be a shock to OW as she is still after a year posting about her heartache and her belief that a higher power is saving her for someone special. In the safety of my own brain, I have a witty retort to her comments, like wondering who the man is who is praying to a higher power for a woman with her judgment and character flaws. But I would never post them on her pages and am not allowing myself to check any more.

 

Your situation is very tricky and I wish you the best with mediation and moving forward in the best interests of your child.

[whichwayisup]

I did end up setting it to private. I selectively post personal things as I use it mainly for my photography and just 'my life' as I wanted a blend of personal and professional as if to put a face and a life and a story behind my art/work. I'm going to just make an account for strictly photography and not include anything else on it.

 

I don't necessarily have an allegiance to him. I just feel like if I were to 'set the record straight' it would be tacky and hurt me. I can't explain what I'm trying to say. I just want to feel like I'm above having to breakdown and get on a low level and say- hey, your husband cared deeply for me, here's proof. We were together for xx months, here's proof. It would feel to me as if I'm looking like I'm trying to break them up or trying to hurt her, and I'm not. I feel as if I were to do that it would as if I were being a catty, underhanded other woman trying to be sneaky and hurt their relationship. Maybe that's not how it would come across but in my head that's how it all would look to me. I don't want this woman thinking I'm trying to 'steal her man' so I'd rather not say anything about him or us or what we were to her.

 

Good that you set it all to private. No need to make anything public at all. Also, instead of posting about your exMM on fb and instagram, why not take a break from it until the case is settled with child support and custody. Talking about it online could be used against you.

 

Have any of your postings in the past implied that you're still in love with him? Fact is, in her eyes you are (or were) a threat due to the affair and having his baby.

[GollumsNightmare]

I read and post on these forums to try to understand the OW in our situation and to hopefully help OW's to understand how a BW may be feeling. I never intend to bash anyone, only to open dialogue.

 

I my case, I was still feeling very vulnerable and destroyed after my H's A. I googled the OW's uniquely spelled nickname and in 10 seconds I saw her pinterest page. I had her blocked from my facebook account.

 

I checked out her pinterest page and it was all about pining for my Husband. It was a year later! She had been a long time friendly acquaintance of mine (at least 20 years!) She knew my son well. I knew her children very well, I taught her daughter in an extracurricular activity for YEARS!!

 

And there it all was on her pinterest page. Missing her prince charming, missing laying her head on his chest, soul mate ****, the whole thing. They were very recent posts, so I knew she was out there still pining away. That was a huge threat to me and to our reconciliation. I foolishly did the same as your MM's wife did, I posted comments that came from the depth of my devastation.

 

I am sure she was very hurt again by finding what you wrote. It is quite a blow to see. Please see some compassion for her. My H has told me some of the things he said about me during the affair. He was pretty sheepish about it because he was embarrassed at the way he described me. It was not true.

 

Yes we did have issues in the marriage. We have worked tirelessly since the affair. We have a completely different marriage now, and for that I am grateful.

 

I am sorry you are still pining for him and what you had, but perhaps now is the time to put that behind you and keep moving ahead for the best outcome for your child. These people are going to be in your life for years. Focus on being the best co-parents you can be, only worrying about what is the best for the child and pray that they do the same. The children are the most important from here on out.

 

My H ended up sending the following message to her after I found the Pinterest. I hope it helped her. It seemed the best way to put an end to the drama. He wrote it, not me.

 

"What happened last year was tragic and a horrible mistake, not something to be remembered fondly in a public forum (pinterest). I'm sorry for my part in this. I have no one to blame but myself. I was in a bad place, one I never want to return to. I just want to heal my marriage, and I wish the same for you"

 

I only wish the best for you and your daughter, May.

[stillafool]

Have any of your postings in the past implied that you're still in love with him? Fact is, in her eyes you are (or were) a threat due to the affair and having his baby.

 

May has already admitted that she is still in love with this womans husband.

[stillafool]

I imagine if you have been writing about your feelings for MM on line this woman now knows that you are still in love with her husband and would more than likely still want to be with him. This has probably angered her by now.

[ShatteredLady]

Hey! If your art, hopefully your furure income/career is important to you it's time to think of a company name. The last thing you want is insulting comments on your business sites. I'd separate you, your name from your company etsy, .com etc. name.

 

Best of luck.

[Mayday2016]

May has already admitted that she is still in love with this womans husband.

 

None of what I had written in dictated this though. What I had said that I know she saw was I was talking about the dissolution of my marriage happened by him cheating and so forth and then in my devastation along comes this guy who gave me false hope and false promises. I talked about being scared of ever opening myself again and how I'm resigning myself to being single for maybe quite a long while because if anything about a guy sets off my spidey senses I'm gone. ONLY you guys know I'm in love with him. The memes I post are things like "it sucks being lied to because I wasn't worth the truth" .. In fact since I filed the court papers for rose I was cold and distant to xMM. I have not emailed or texted him. I have not posted ANYtHiNG with his name or about being in love or even referencing loving him or even loving anyone in the past. I have tried to stay detached because for all intents and purposes, that is what my family is expecting from me as they thought the affair ended in July, not right after baby was born.

[ChickiePops]

If the BS made posts about your daughter..someone you love, who she may or may not get partial custody of with the man you still love, and who you probably feel the BS has no right to feel anything for at all, how would you feel?

 

Now can you understand how she feels a little bit?

Edited March 29, 2016 by ChickiePops

[Mayday2016]

If the BS made posts about your daughter..someone you love, who she may or may not get partial custody of with the man you still love, and who you probably feel the BS has no right to feel anything for at all, how would you feel?

 

Now can you understand how she feels a little bit?

 

 

 

Oh I get it. But I was "openly" chastising him, expressing hurt and disgust. If anything it should breed relief because it would give me the impression she wouldn't want him. She'd be too pissed off raising this baby by herself for all hear months and going through her pregnancy alone because my husband was a piece of crap, that she wouldn't even want to be with my husband because of his mistreatment of her.

 

But yes, if she knew my feelings underneath the hurt, the rage, and the sheer devastation - I would still feel this woman was a threat to my lifestyle. He and I had a long affair, we had a child. Even if my husband lied to me and said he didn't love her or it was brief or whatever, I'd still feel that something lived inside this woman that he wanted and or desired. It would make me very insecure. So I do get that, absolutely.

 

I set it to private, I locked down everything. I don't want either of them knowing anything. My "openly" posting could feel like a slap in the face even though I've gone to great lengths to never reveal his identity or even drop a hint about who he is anywhere but here.

[sandylee1]

Up until this point .... the BW hadn't directed anything really negative towards you. I think now she knows you are/were in love with her husband and are a definite threat to her marriage

 

She her guard will be up even higher than it would otherwise have been. She is going to have a very stern approach with her H regarding coparenting. I mean things like .... She'll never let him pick the baby up and be ALONE with you.

 

and going forward.... even years from now .... where any arrangements could have been done without lawyers .... She'll realise that's not a good idea .... being in fear the A could rekindle.

 

On the question of whether you were wrong .... I can only say empathy from you wouldn't be a bad idea.

[Mayday2016]

XMM's lawyer finally reached out like 5 minutes ago. XMM is paying up front for us to immediately go and schedule to have baby's DNA test done. He's not dragging this out, at all. My lawyer figured xmm would wait until our first court date to go have DNA testing done but he wants this done before. So, good news? It certainly speeds up the process but my lawyer says usually the guys drag this out so he just said "hmmm" ..

[stillafool]

and then in my devastation along comes this guy who gave me false hope and false promises. I talked about being scared of ever opening myself again

What false hopes and promises did he give you May?

 

 

 

The memes I post are things like "it sucks being lied to because I wasn't

worth the truth" ..

What did he lie to you about May? You knew he was married and the only thing it seems he may have lied about is his wifes condition. As a matter of fact you purposely moved to his town after only 6 months into the affair. It was just 2 weeks later you became pregnant and he turned on you other than for occasional sex. Edited March 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[rainbowsandkittens]

None of what I had written in dictated this though. What I had said that I know she saw was I was talking about the dissolution of my marriage happened by him cheating and so forth and then in my devastation along comes this guy who gave me false hope and false promises. I talked about being scared of ever opening myself again and how I'm resigning myself to being single for maybe quite a long while because if anything about a guy sets off my spidey senses I'm gone. ONLY you guys know I'm in love with him. The memes I post are things like "it sucks being lied to because I wasn't worth the truth" .. In fact since I filed the court papers for rose I was cold and distant to xMM. I have not emailed or texted him. I have not posted ANYtHiNG with his name or about being in love or even referencing loving him or even loving anyone in the past. I have tried to stay detached because for all intents and purposes, that is what my family is expecting from me as they thought the affair ended in July, not right after baby was born.

 

But I think her point is: you met him on AM; how could you not know he was a liar? What did you expect would happen on a website dedicated to affairs? I'm not saying she's right or wrong but from her perspective you're upset about losing a relationship that was based him lying and being a douche of a person. A relationship that he never should have had in the first place, from her view. That meme would upset me too if I was a BS because she was the one who was really lied to, you at least knew what you were getting in to when you found him on that site. You know?

 

I'm sorry your private space felt violated. That sucks. We should all be able to have a safe space where we can post the things we want. I'm glad you made it private and hopefully you can still use it the way you wanted to. Glad you got a court date!

[stillafool]

XMM's lawyer finally reached out like 5 minutes ago. XMM is paying up front for us to immediately go and schedule to have baby's DNA test done. He's not dragging this out, at all. My lawyer figured xmm would wait until our first court date to go have DNA testing done but he wants this done before. So, good news? It certainly speeds up the process but my lawyer says usually the guys drag this out so he just said "hmmm" ..

 

You can probably thank the wife for this. She's anxious.

[ShatteredLady]

I don't hold any venom for my H's OW but I will confess even I've searched around on the Internet. There have been 'those' nights when I've been REALLY tempted to write something.

 

It's so hard reading how strong her character & interpersonal skills are on one site & what a fantastic mother she is on others. It's human nature. One of the lower aspects of human nature but 'normal' none the less.

 

My H invited her into our life. Her H did this to her, just like the scum-bag did all of this to you. For some reason, despite all the evidence to the contrary, you BOTH believe that this 'man' is worth lusting after & dreaming of.

 

She's trying to save her family. It's survival instinct. I'm still not convinced that she's going to continue tolerating his abuse once the dust settles.

 

You're clinging onto your fantasy. I'm not convinced that you wouldn't jump into bed with him if he showed the slightest interest, even after everything he's done to you.

 

You women are either in a crazy competition with eachother. Desperately insecure & don't believe you could get another man so you're tolerating scraping the bottom of the barrel or there's something strangely magical about this POS man. I don't get it!!

 

Maybe you BOTH just want your little girls to have a father, any father, no matter how disgusting he is.

 

You know how broken & crazy all of this has made you feel at times? Please try to understand what she's going through. Both of you are living a horrible, soul destroying, heartbreaking nightmare. You BOTH are!!

[Mayday2016]

 

Maybe you BOTH just want your little girls to have a father, any father, no matter how disgusting he is.

 

!

 

 

That may be true. My husband of 10 years has not called not seen his 2 young children with me since August. I have watched my children watch the dads at the park with a sort of longing that I've never seen before. I don't want new baby to go through that, too. I figure if I can try and prevent her being sad in the same fashion as my big kids I may as well try.

 

You all can see things I can't. You are an outside perspective I need because for so long I was so lost.

[Mayday2016]

and then in my devastation along comes this guy who gave me false hope and false promises. I talked about being scared of ever opening myself again

What false hopes and promises did he give you May?

 

 

 

 

What did he lie to you about May? You knew he was married and the only thing it seems he may have lied about is his wifes condition. As a matter of fact you purposely moved to his town after only 6 months into the affair. It was just 2 weeks later you became pregnant and he turned on you other than for occasional sex.

I've had to go through texts and emails for lawyers. Conversations I had forgotten or dismissed. Nights where he talked about leaving her, where he talked about things 'getting more legal whereas right now I could just throw a wad of stripper cash at her and walk away clean in the eyes of the community' .. He never wanted to be there with her. Instead we'd text from 9 pm until 6 am when we both got up him for work, me with my kids. And then he'd spend 2-3 nights of the week with me. Asking for them to be escapes where we could 'just love each other'.. There are nuances I never picked up on. The week before I told him he said to me there was nothing I could say to him that would make him walk asway from me. He said he knows I have trust issues but he wants to be the one person I can trust so intimately, he hoped he was.

 

I'm not still in the 'in love' phase. It's been fading since we last spoke on that phone call where h cried and said I was being so mean and cold. I think be realized I didn't feel the same for him as I did for so, so long. Maybe knowing that has made it easier for me to accept the ending because it gives me strength to know he isn't just imaging me still pining away. I haven't given anyone that impression outside of here. Even in my late night meme posts, none reflect if I miss him.

Edited March 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[Robert]

Since this is the third notice from moderation, any posts deemed disrespectful or berating to the thread-starter from here out will find their poster's posting privileges suspended.

 

This includes attempts at shaming the thread-starter for the affair.

 

Either post to be supportive or move on to another site or thread.

 

~6

 

 

Note from moderation:

 

There has been a number of reports on this thread and a few posts have been deleted.

 

This is a reminder that the OP has come here for support and the tone of posts shall remain respectful from here on out. If you cannot post without being unnecessarily harsh, you can move on and post on another forum.

 

Thank you to the posters that have been supportive so far.

 

~6

 

A reminder from moderation that bashing the thread-starter will not be tolerated. Post to be supportive or move on.

 

Thank you,

~6

[ShatteredLady]

Think about how messed-up his 3 year old daughter is potentially going to be! She will grow knowing that a father, her Dad, can have sex with other women, make babies as if it's nothing special at all & her Mum (a woman's place) should grovel to keep him!

 

Is she going to grow into a stronger, happier lady than your girls?

 

Your girls who are being raised by a strong woman who shows she will work & fight to make a REAL FAMILY, REAL HOME for them....With or without a man?!?

 

Do you want your babies one day to be heavily pregnant servicing a MM in a dark driveway?

 

 

My friends oldest daughter has only ever known her step Dad. He's WONDERFUL! He was never a cheat. He's never hurt her Mum. She's grown now & he still has the "For the best DADDY ever" cards in his office! He might not be biologically her father but he is the best DAD she could ever wish for.

 

When he met my friend & her daughter they were a precious PRIZE! You need to heal & start to see yourself in that way. You don't need just any man.

 

Please don't teach your girls that their value can be determined by a man. Don't teach your son that it's 'cool' to have many women pandering for your attention.

 

It's NEVER too late to be the woman that you want to be. It's never too late to be a fantastic role model for your kids.

 

I know how terrifying it is. When you've spent a huge chunk of your life as a stay at home Mum, when building a family has always been your job it's beyond daunting to be all alone. It's so bloody hard!! The MM must of seemed like the answer to your prayers after the awful experience of your husband. I do understand. A soft landing, believing all his bull....I understand!

 

You know now. Living without a man in your life is so much better for YOU & your CHILDREN than having him. It would be easier to have him (or another man) swoop in & save you. Easier is NOT BEST!!! You can do this & your kids are going to be so proud of you.

[Ms. Faust]

I am curious, but how did he treat your own children?