His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[Sassy Girl]

 

Coparenting is NOT going to be sharing him!!

 

Exactly. The only thing that will be shared is your daughter.

 

Also, I would start thinking about how you might handle your other two children. How will they react if their sister goes to see her father and they don't have any contact with theirs? There are a lot of family dynamics here at play which will need to be handled delicately... Especially if they are as well off as you say and your younger daughter gets a quality of life that your other children don't.

[bathtub-row]

I'd say it's a power move. She's inserting herself into your life the way you inserted yourself into hers.

 

She wants you to know she's watching.

 

I agree with this. I'd shut her down in every way possible.

[Maddieandtae]

Hi May, the betrayed wife could be trying to "see" who you are. It's a very big deal that you have had an baby with her husband. How could she not want to glean information where she can? I'm only guessing here but I think the wife could be trying to get an reaction from you so that you will say ok BS let's talk. She may very well think you can provide her a answers where her husband did not.

[Mayday2016]

Hi May, the betrayed wife could be trying to "see" who you are. It's a very big deal that you have had an baby with her husband. How could she not want to glean information where she can? I'm only guessing here but I think the wife could be trying to get an reaction from you so that you will say ok BS let's talk. She may very well think you can provide her a answers where her husband did not.

 

 

That's one thing she isn't getting. I don't react to her. When she showed up at my apartment I called my lawyer, when she texted I ignored, when she liked on Facebook I ignored, commented on Instagram I ignored. A lot of people here disagree with me not engaging with her but right now, she's not part of my equation or my daughter's. Right now xMM isn't even part of daughter's life. His lawyer and my lawyer have a phone conference next week, I'm curious what will be said. Until I know what he and his wife want, I'm staying quiet. I'm not engaging. Maybe it's the wrong approach but I need things clean on my end. I cannot afford more mess, I have a colicky 14 week old, a 3 year old, and a 5 year old I already have my hands full, I don't need a 37 year old potentially bipolar betrayed wife on my plate, too.

[LivingWaterPlease]

That's one thing she isn't getting. I don't react to her. When she showed up at my apartment I called my lawyer, when she texted I ignored, when she liked on Facebook I ignored, commented on Instagram I ignored. A lot of people here disagree with me not engaging with her but right now, she's not part of my equation or my daughter's. Right now xMM isn't even part of daughter's life. His lawyer and my lawyer have a phone conference next week, I'm curious what will be said. Until I know what he and his wife want, I'm staying quiet. I'm not engaging. Maybe it's the wrong approach but I need things clean on my end. I cannot afford more mess, I have a colicky 14 week old, a 3 year old, and a 5 year old I already have my hands full, I don't need a 37 year old potentially bipolar betrayed wife on my plate, too.

 

Good choices, Mayday2016. Best for all concerned at this point, imo.

Edited April 5, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[Maddieandtae]

You don't need to engage either May, focus on your future with your little ones and provide them the best possible loving environment. You do have an awful lot on your plate and I hope life eases up on you:) When I was an BS I did the Facebook stalking and messaged the OW as well. I so wanted answers and I didn't get them from the OW, I did finally realize that she wasn't the one with the answers I needed. I can only imagine what my ex said about me and I can promise I'm only a little nutty ?

[ChickiePops]

That's one thing she isn't getting. I don't react to her. When she showed up at my apartment I called my lawyer, when she texted I ignored, when she liked on Facebook I ignored, commented on Instagram I ignored. A lot of people here disagree with me not engaging with her but right now, she's not part of my equation or my daughter's. Right now xMM isn't even part of daughter's life. His lawyer and my lawyer have a phone conference next week, I'm curious what will be said. Until I know what he and his wife want, I'm staying quiet. I'm not engaging. Maybe it's the wrong approach but I need things clean on my end. I cannot afford more mess, I have a colicky 14 week old, a 3 year old, and a 5 year old I already have my hands full, I don't need a 37 year old potentially bipolar betrayed wife on my plate, too.

 

I get this..but to be fair, you did knowingly choose to accept her husbands advances and insert yourself into her life, whereas she was dragged into yours unwillingly. She probably feels that it's only fair that she knows about you, especially if she's going to be a part of your daughters life. She is her stepmother and the mother of your daughter's sister. You two are going to be dealing with each other for a very long time (assuming they stay together), so you should try to at least be kinder with your attitude towards her even if you choose not to engage. we see the OW refrain of 'he's the one married to her, not me'..I don't agree with that but if it's true then it goes both ways. He's the one who hurt you, not her. She doesn't deserve your anger, plus kids are extraordinarily perceptive and your daughter is bound to pick up on your attitude, which will make everyone's lives harder, including yours.

 

If you're going to be angry at someone, be angry at the guy who deserted you and his newborn baby. She hasn't done anything to you.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Mayday, so glad to see you're doing so well; making good decisions now to focus on your children and on your life ahead!

 

Also, glad to see you're pretty neutral about BW! In your posts I see and hear detachment, not anger, and that's great! Also, haven't seen/heard anger toward exMM and commend you for your attitude!

 

Your posts seem to focus on your journey, protecting your children and yourself, and keeping your distance from BW. You will definitely benefit both now and in the long run as you continue on this pathway!

 

This is a great time of year where I live! Trees, bushes are bursting with new life of all colors after a long frigid winter. Warmth and beauty are everywhere I look! I can't help but relate this to your life! Things are looking up for you! A new and sunnier chapter has begun and you are grabbing it and running with it, with three precious little ones in tow!

 

Go Mayday2016! You got this; sometimes the dash, sometimes just one foot in front of the other....this is your life AND this is the life of three amazing little people in your charge! All you are doing now, including your attitude affects them. I am in your corner! I am in their corner!

 

Sending many hugs to you and also and especially to each little one there with you! What a great day it is!

Edited April 5, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[Mayday2016]

I wish she wouldn't continue to talk to me at least until we go to court.

 

"Dear {redacted}

 

You mentioned that you want to communicate through our lawyers but that doesn't seem appropriate for this message. Please understand that I mean no disrespect by emailing you directly.

 

Now that we have a court date set for mediation I would like to propose a meeting between you and I before May {redacted}.

 

We will be connected by {baby} for the rest of our lives and while the situation from which she arrived is painful, she deserves nothing but love from all of us. As I navigate through this new role of stepmom I don't know any other way to be but friendly towards you. I would like to meet you and {baby} before we go to court.

 

I hope you are open to this."

 

 

I am sick to my stomach over this. It was sent to an email address that only existed for xMM which has a very unique handle. That unique handle was tied to a "kik" sort of undercover messenger. The last 3 days I've been getting kik messages from random men telling me they talked to me on omegele under "milf" and if I'm still horny. I don't know for certain if it was her posing as me as a way to get these men to harass me but now that I know she knows the unique email address I can only put 2 and 2 together. I have had a horrible day and cannot process this right now. I wish it would stop. I just wish she'd stop trying to push me into engaging with her. I am not ready. I am sleep deprived, I am dealing with so much drama from my stbx husband and the fact he owes me for 3 child support payments. I don't want to engage her but I don't want her to continue to push me into trying to talk.

[georgia girl]

Apparently next week my lawyer and xMM's lawyer have a telephonic status conference with the courts. As its telephonic I will not be there. Does anyone know what one of these are or will entail?

 

His wife is still following me on social media. She is once again liking my photos but this time on a different one of my accounts that I use to post hobby work. I don't feel as threatened by this but I don't understand. I assume she'd want to spy on me by why announce herself like that? It's not unnerving moreso just annoying. What should I do here? i really don't want to have to privatize this too.

 

Mayday,

 

I can't be sure, but typically the status call with the attorneys would be so that the court knew what to expect. So, they likely would discuss whether both sides were willing to stipulate to anything (i.e. we both agree that MM is the natural father, we both agree that the stated gross income is correct) or if there were going to be motions for discovery on either side. The status call is really something only done by the attorneys and it's to give the court an idea of how much time to schedule the hearing for and if there's a chance the issue will be mediated before court or at least some of the issues stipulated to so that it reduces actual court time. Usually, it's done to maximize the court's time and efficiency. But, this is only true where I live and other things can be involved in a status call, so please don't take this as gospel.

 

As for the online stuff, it's your call. If you're going to put yourself out there, expect that she will see it and perhaps comment on it. There's really no way to prevent that. You are volunteering to put your information out into the public arena and that's the risk you take, unfortunately. Gently, if I were you, I'd stop putting anything personal, particularly about feelings, anywhere online. As you are gathering information for your attorneys, please consider that so may they be. Personal information about being lost, or hurt, or happy one day and sad the next may be very well benign. But it can be twisted and you've entered a world where they have an incentive to twist what you say against you. I'm surprised your attorney hasn't already advised you to desist with the social postings. If you use a blog or other media outlet such as FB to advertise your photography, keep it professional only. It may feel like its that blend of the personal and professional that's your niche art, but in general, it's not a good idea to air your soul in public in the first place and definitely not in this situation. Oversharing, to be genuine and frank, is never really a good idea.

 

Good luck, Mayday. It's moving and these are all good things.

[Foreverago]

Or he's behind giving out your info. Can't rule that one out. He was the one trolling places like Ashley Madison for tail, I'm sure he's well aware of the other unsavory type places people use to hook up on.

 

Just keep on with record keeping everything that's happened for your lawyer and don't engage for now.

[Mayday2016]

I forwarded the email to my lawyer as well as my speculation about the kik/omegele thing.

 

I'm really on edge. I just "can't even" (I never understood this phrase til now).. It's just hit after hit and I'm not ready to talk to her. I'm not ready to talk to xMM either. Never once has he reached out to see baby, just her. I want to wait until court. Until I know what their lawyer says they want.

[CarrieT]

We will be connected by {baby} for the rest of our lives and while the situation from which she arrived is painful, she deserves nothing but love from all of us. As I navigate through this new role of stepmom I don't know any other way to be but friendly towards you. I would like to meet you and {baby} before we go to court.

I think this is pretty commendable on her part. And is so much the better for your child (and you!) to see there may be heartfelt compassion from the Stepmom.

[LivingWaterPlease]

So sorry, Mayday. Ignore and record.

 

This contact from her is a win for you so view it from that perspective Every stroke of harassment toward you paints a picture for the court of a woman who is disrespecting your wishes and out of control of her own emotions.

[Mayday2016]

I think this is pretty commendable on her part. And is so much the better for your child (and you!) to see there may be heartfelt compassion from the Stepmom.

 

 

And I wish I could trust that. But after her shaming me on my Instagram photos and then the fact I'm suddenly receiving messages on a messenger that hadn't been used for 6 months from men saying they claimed to talk to a woman my age from my state that gave them my handle, is too coincidental. The email address she emailed was only for xMM, if she knows that and if he saved any of our communications she knows everything I ever felt for him. I don't want to walk into an ambush which is what it feels like. This doesn't feel safe right now. I don't want to bring my very innocent infant into what may be potentially extremely dramatic. I want a lawyer as a buffer, I want the courts as protection so she won't go off on me.

[Foreverago]

I'll be the first to admit that I don't have much sympathy for you because you created this situation with him, BUT, you do have a right to be as stress free as possible. And everyone's kids here are hopefully shielded from this mess as much as possible.

 

So you can take my word with a grain of salt because of my lack of sympathy for you but here it is anyway: block her, like seriously, she doesn't need to be browsing your social media accounts. After you've taken screen shots, delete the old email that is getting the gross contact from randoms . The husband and wife can contact your lawyer if they want to talk. Paternity hasn't even been established yet. There will be time to get to know everyone later on. She's marking her territory with that contact, which is her right in a relationship sense, but you don't need to be adding to it. Blocking her from those types of places is a start. It's not hostility, it's literally just meant to lower your stress levels. Knowing she's looking might be an ego stroke and it might be obnoxious at the same time, but for now, she doesn't need to be looking for you. You're a mom first, ex mistress second. Put them on the back burner until your court dates. The wife and her husband can wait just like everyone else is doing.

 

Cordial or not, this needs to play out under the guidelines of the courts. If and when they get some visitation, then absolutely start up with the proper mediation. Until then, just focus on yourself and your kids.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, but as a child with parents who used me as a pawn to one up each other and play power trips, the kids are the only ones here who have my sympathy. Even the wife with her pain, needs to back off from liking your photos on a stupid thing like social media.

 

Edit to add: every time she does contact you directly, after you have stated plainly about lawyers only, looks pretty poorly. Definitely keep record of that. The contact through Kik from guys or whatever can be recorded, but it'll be hard to prove it was her, hence my saying delete the account after taking screen shots. It's just another thing to stress over that you don't need.

Edited April 5, 2016 by Foreverago

[Doublegold]

I'm suddenly receiving messages on a messenger that hadn't been used for 6 months from men saying they claimed to talk to a woman my age from my state that gave them my handle

 

Whatever this messenger/app is can you delete it, remove the email? It is imperative that you block the apps/social media interaction that may involve either XMM or BS. Other than that just block all contact and let your lawyer handle this. You are paying a lawyer to asorb this stress. Let him earn his money.

 

Block the communication. Let the courts handle this. Time enough ahead for everyone to have the "Kumbaya" moments (hopefully) --right now--no one is near that yet. And the only hope for that happening is NO MORE DRAMA.

[whatatangledweb]

I don't see this as something that can be used against his wife. She sounds compassionate and caring and that she wants this to be friendly. Not many people in her place could do it. The MM won't contact you for any reason. His wife is not going to allow that.

 

It appears by her sending that email that they will go for visitation after the DNA test.

 

I would close down that email and open a different one. I would also ask your lawyer to contact theirs and ask her to stop contacting you again. Has your lawyer found out why your STBX hasn't paid support? It is court ordered, right? In my state, they would pull him in front of a judge and he would pay or go to jail. They don't play around with deadbeat parents.

 

You do have alot going on. I'm sorry.

[goodyblue]

My advice is to do what makes you feel safest right now. If you aren't interested in meeting with her then don't be cajoled. Enjoy your little ones and let the attorney's do their job.

 

Hang in there, you are doing great!

[Mayday2016]

I don't see this as something that can be used against his wife. She sounds compassionate and caring and that she wants this to be friendly. Not many people in her place could do it. The MM won't contact you for any reason. His wife is not going to allow that.

 

It appears by her sending that email that they will go for visitation after the DNA test.

 

I would close down that email and open a different one. I would also ask your lawyer to contact theirs and ask her to stop contacting you again. Has your lawyer found out why your STBX hasn't paid support? It is court ordered, right? In my state, they would pull him in front of a judge and he would pay or go to jail. They don't play around with deadbeat parents.

 

You do have alot going on. I'm sorry.

 

 

He's in a dif state. His lawyer wouldn't respond to mine so we just filed contempt of court. We have court next week, actually, which may expedite the contempt. He has not responded to phone calls or voicemails where I pleaded with him to pay me, I hope the courts garnish his wages because he refuses to follow the order we had written up in September. I know the last we heard from his lawyer he said my husband stopped paying him. My stbx husband filed jointly for taxes (I did not agree to this nor did I sign the documents) and he took and kept entire tax refund (which was around $8k-$10k)) so my lawyer said he violated a preliminary injunction too. In my life everyone walks all over me, they find brilliant ways to control me and I let them. I feel powerless often and even after trying to divorce my husband he's still found a way to assert power over me, by refusing to pay to support his children. There is so much going on in my life, I feel like I'm unable to come up for air at times.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I don't see this as something that can be used against his wife. She sounds compassionate and caring and that she wants this to be friendly. Not many people in her place could do it. The MM won't contact you for any reason. His wife is not going to allow that.

 

I can understand how it would seem something like this couldn't be used against his wife in court. At first glance her interest seems kind, compassionate and friendly. What's wrong with that?

 

However, the law where I live doesn't view it that way when someone whom you've asked to leave you alone continues to contact you no matter how nice their words sound. I've been through this and the courts were very supportive of protecting me from such a person.

 

That's why I've continued to encourage OP to record instances of BW's contacts with her as you must have recorded instances to paint a picture of the person in the situation for the court.

 

My experience was that an upstanding person in our community I had dated wouldn't quit contacting me (with kind words leaving messages asking to talk and visit with me, etc.) when I asked him to leave me alone. I had proof that I had asked him, and I had recorded history of his many calls, leaving gifts, sending flowers, etc., after I'd asked him to leave me alone.

 

He never threatened me or said anything rude or unkind at all.

 

The only thing that made the court consider this unkind was that he was continually disrespecting my expressed wishes that he not contact me. If someone does this to any person, it's extremely annoying and disrespectful no matter how nice their words sound. And if a person documents this type behavior, the court doesn't look kindly upon it and will even take measures to stop it if proper procedures are followed.

 

I was able to get a restraining order against this "kind, congenial" man because of his contacting me against my wishes.

 

Had he done these things when I'd not made it clear to him that I wanted him to leave me alone, it wouldn't have been disrespectful.

 

Right now I have an exbf I'm broken up with. He's sent me flowers or called me but I would never want to or even be able to use that in court against him. The difference in the two is that I've never told (and would never tell) exbf not to contact me and to leave me alone even though I did break up with him.

 

OP has made her wishes to be left alone by BW clear to her. For BW to continue to contact her is very annoying and disrespectful, no matter how nice her words seem.

 

It is considered harassment and/or stalking where I live to continue to contact a person who's made it clear they want you to leave them alone.

 

So BW in this situation is putting herself in a precarious position as she is painting herself at the very least as an annoying person who harasses someone else and at most could be looked upon as a stalker. (My neighbors called the "nice guy" who put gifts at my front door all the time, "The Stalker," even though he's a well known, socially-connected and highly-positioned person in our community.)

 

This behavior (of continuing to contact OP when OP has expressed she wants to communicate through lawyers only) could impact BW in her quest for visitation with OP's child because the case could be made that being a person who harasses others is not conducive to being a good caregiver for a child.

 

Also, I'd be interested to know how the court would view giving visitation to a BW who had never met the child of her husband with another woman, when the husband himself has never shown interest in the child. He may at some point, that remains to be seen.

Edited April 6, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[Sub]

I'm not sure what the BS is doing on Mayday's public social media accounts would be viewed in the same light as personal phone calls and items sent via mail to her address. There is the small chance that some of it could be used against her, as she publicly referred to a MM as her "ex". It may be construed as antagonistic towards the BS. So I think it's in Mayday's best interest to not put much stock in the on-line posts and set everything to private. And based on her lawyer's less than stellar performance, we don't even know if the BS has in fact been warned of anything in regards to the BS showing up by her house. Mayday only requested that questions pertaining to the CS go through her lawyer.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm not sure what the BS is doing on Mayday's public social media accounts would be viewed in the same light as personal phone calls and items sent via mail to her address. There is the small chance that some of it could be used against her, as she publicly referred to a MM as her "ex". It may be construed as antagonistic towards the BS. So I think it's in Mayday's best interest to not put much stock in the on-line posts and set everything to private. And based on her lawyer's less than stellar performance, we don't even know if the BS has in fact been warned of anything in regards to the BS showing up by her house. Mayday only requested that questions pertaining to the CS go through her lawyer.

 

The social media stalking and posting by BW is just one example of BW's disrespectful behavior toward OP. There are other instances of various behaviors of BW's attempts to contact and engage OP. I would have to go back and reread the thread to list them all but this has been going on quite awhile now. It's all these put together that paint an, at the very least, odd picture of BW's behavior and continued disrespect for Mayday's wishes.

 

When a person tells another to leave them alone, it's disrespectful to continue trying to engage that person even when done in a seemingly benign manner. This is pretty widely recognized by most emotionally healthy people, I believe. In any event the courts are all too familiar with this type behavior as they are involved in all sorts of domestic situations and it doesn't bode well for BW that she continues to do this.

 

If I'm not mistaken I believe Mayday has told BS she wants to communicate only through attorneys.

 

Also, the issue is not what actions BW has taken to contact OP vs what actions the man in my situation did to contact me. No analogy is similar in all aspects. The issue is that when someone asks you not to contact them, it is considered harassment to continue to try to engage the person no matter what actions are taken to do so.

 

I agree with you about it being best for OP to put settings for social media on private.

Edited April 6, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[Sub]

If I'm not mistaken I believe Mayday has told BS she wants to communicate only through attorneys.

 

Regarding the CS, yes. Mayday's only responses to the social media posts were to delete the posts. (Maybe I'm wrong here.) I don't think a few comments on a public media platform will be deemed harassment.

 

My main point is this: I think it serves Mayday well to be realistic when it comes to the BW. I think if it comes down to documenting behavior in order to gain an upper hand in her dealings, she needs to be careful what road she goes down and be aware that things can work both ways. (That's why it's important the social media stuff goes private.) And her lawyer should not be making her promises that he can't keep.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Regarding the CS, yes. Mayday's only responses to the social media posts were to delete the posts. (Maybe I'm wrong here.) I don't think a few comments on a public media platform will be deemed harassment.

 

My main point is this: I think it serves Mayday well to be realistic when it comes to the BW. I think if it comes down to documenting behavior in order to gain an upper hand in her dealings, she needs to be careful what road she goes down and be aware that things can work both ways. (That's why it's important the social media stuff goes private.) And her lawyer should not be making her promises that he can't keep.

 

Without going through a lot of posts to check, it's my understanding Mayday told BW she wanted to communicate only through the attorneys. If that is not the case I stand corrected.

 

However, even if she has only indicated to BW she wants all communication about CS to go through their lawyers and not specified other reasons not to communicate, BW still is making unwise choices in continuing to contact OP when OP is not responding, especially in view of the fact she indicated she wanted to communicate about CS only through attorneys.

 

It doesn't take a rocket scientist, when having been told a person wants to communicate only through attorneys on one issue and, when contacting that person on another issue repeatedly she consistently doesn't respond, to figure out she doesn't want to communicate with you. To continue to do so indicates a socially maladjusted person and the court will recognize that right off the bat. They are pretty well accustomed to all types of aberrant behavior in domestic cases as they deal with these types of situations often.

 

As to your main point, concern for Mayday, I'm with you on that.

 

Documenting behavior, however, is not considered a game and is not done to gain the upper hand. It is common practice and prudent in all legal maneuvers.

 

Most likely BW and WH have been told to document Mayday's behavior, also. Fortunately for Mayday, she hasn't interacted with BW so BW has nothing to document. Mayday has been very wise in that regard.

 

I can see nothing she has to fear about her behavior in regards to her child, which is the legal matter at hand.