His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[Civil]

One would think if the BS cared for this infants well being at all (as has been debated here ad nauseum) she would of encouraged her Husband to get DNA testing like yesterday so he can start paying toward the support and well being of this innocent baby.

 

But that hasn't happened. Nothing has happened. So maybe we should stop wondering how people should act and feel and support the OP as best we can. Because right now that is the only SUPPORT she is gonna get, thanks to XMM and his advisors.

 

Per Mayday, the DNA test has been scheduled. And given the realities of the process, it didn't take all that long.

 

It's on XMM, not XMM and his advisors. As a fully functioning adult and a knowing actor in the situation, he is the only one who can assume responsibility for his actions. Where there is no authority, there is no responsibility. A betrayed spouse has no legal standing and, obviously, no control. His L or other advisors can only act on his orders.

[noelle303]

Per Mayday, the DNA test has been scheduled. And given the realities of the process, it didn't take all that long.

 

It's on XMM, not XMM and his advisors. As a fully functioning adult and a knowing actor in the situation, he is the only one who can assume responsibility for his actions. Where there is no authority, there is no responsibility. A betrayed spouse has no legal standing and, obviously, no control. His L or other advisors can only act on his orders.

 

I agree, it is all moving along fairly quickly. Quicker than me and XMM and he is fully cooperative and we are sorting everything through mediation.

 

Hang on May, it shouldn't take long to start recieving payments and as far as everything else goes, just take it day by day. I honestly wouldn't raise an issue about her liking your posts. In the grand scheme og things it doesn't really matter and just causes more drama. Ignore it.

[Doublegold]

Per Mayday, the DNA test has been scheduled. And given the realities of the process, it didn't take all that long.

 

It's on XMM, not XMM and his advisors. As a fully functioning adult and a knowing actor in the situation, he is the only one who can assume responsibility for his actions. Where there is no authority, there is no responsibility. A betrayed spouse has no legal standing and, obviously, no control. His L or other advisors can only act on his orders.

 

This thread was started late February. On March 29th Op wrote that MM agreed to a paternity test. My comment regarding BS was her concern and interest in meeting with OP to discuss the baby.

 

Court date is May. To quote OP: "I received notice that we have a date in mid May to get before the magistrate. I'm not sure if paternity will be established before this court date or after, when she can order it."

 

His advisors are his lawyers. The Courts are the Courts. My point being -- once it has gone into the Courts any conversation with BS is MUTE.

 

To quote Civil "And given the realities of the process, it didn't take all that long".

 

She is still waiting with NO SUPPORT. Easy for us to comment whilst OP is waiting on what some consider "a speedy process".

Edited April 8, 2016 by Doublegold

[Civil]

 

And I privatized everything, deleted people off of Facebook, and deleted apps from my phone. I purged it all.

 

Good move! Kik and apps like it were never for you, and this is a good time to recognize that it's very easy to become enmeshed in an unhealthy online culture. Bit by bit, behaviors that are more and more risky become familiar and are normalized, until, over time, almost anything can seem somehow desirable or at least acceptable. Even extremely damaging stuff. Like Ashley Madison. You also need to be sure that you're not operating according to primary emotional responses, without critically judging those feelings and the expected outcome. It's cognitive appraisal and it's essential.

 

But you're leaving bad judgement behind and getting on with the plan. You've mentioned your photography. That's a terribly overcrowded field. Lots of talented people are giving it away. But you can go after some validation and test your progress by putting a portfolio up on one of the stock photography sites. They doesn't pay much, but if it's existing work, it's like found money and it's an education.

 

Toward a real income, you might learn to code. Find a legit course and start now. One of my GDs wrote her first code. She's 7. Get there before she does, take an available job and work toward upgrades. Content providers aren't the best paying until you have serious experience and some project management skills, but the creative-adjacent situation may be of interest to you.

 

You can make a go of this. Please stay the course. Don't be distracted. Please.

[Raena]

Unfortunately, the court systems move at the rate of a snails pace most of the time. It's going to take time to get everything settled in court. I've never understood that myself really because a newborn baby is very expensive to take care of and both parents should be doing that from the very beginning. It shouldn't take 6+ months to settle in my opinion. Good news is, usually they make him back pay to when you filed for support.

 

As for the DNA testing. It's all part of the court procedures from what I understand. It usually is anyway especially when the parents of the child are not married to each other. As far as I understand it, he had no choice but to either submit to a test or just agree that the child is his. If he chooses to do the test, he's responsible for paying for it. That's my experience with it anyway. It's better that it's documented in the long run.

 

Mayday, you are handling this much better than some other OW's out there that I have heard about. You could have done so much to hurt the BW (aside from the obvious issue of the affair) but you've chosen not to. That is commendable.

 

I'm sorry you are feeling so much stress from the little bit of contact she's had with you. Trust me, it could have been so much worse. Take a look at my back story and read about the crazy OW in my situation. When either party involved (BW/OW) acts like a lunatic it makes a bad situation worse. I don't see the contact she's had with you as overly crazy making but I can see why any contact bothers you. I do hope you find a way to get past that and be able to face her and come to an agreement about how to treat each other. It's good that she's showing interest in finding a way to get along. You can keep it all in the court system for eternity if you choose to and maybe that's what you'll need to do. But wouldn't it be so much better if you could all let that stuff go and just focus on the children's needs? I know, I'm an idealist and given my own situation I know how hard it is to make that happen. /sigh

 

Keep your head up and keep doing what you are doing for now. It's best to stay focused on your kids and your own future until you are ready to deal with all of the rest of the emotional stuff that goes along with this situation.

[Doublegold]

Raena,

 

I had to comment and say that your post impressed me on many levels.

 

Your tagline--

 

Everyone wants happiness, no one wants pain, but you can't make a rainbow without a little rain.

 

Made me think of words that were in my mind today--totally unrelated to this site.

 

A rainbow reflected in quiet waters is a calming and beautiful sight.

 

Sorry for the sidetrack LS but I wanted to post this.

 

Carry on.

[Ms. Faust]

One would think if the BS cared for this infants well being at all (as has been debated here ad nauseum) she would of encouraged her Husband to get DNA testing like yesterday so he can start paying toward the support and well being of this innocent baby.

 

You are way off base. If you have any experience with the court system you would know if moves at its own pace, and one cannot snap their fingers and just suddenly makes things happen "like yesterday".. It is also questionable why you would put caring about the newborn on the BS. The BS ' primary concern is and should be the welfare of her OWN child. Everything else, including the OP's child, takes a backseat.

 

I can totally understand supporting the OP, but do we really need to villainize the BS here? She is a victim, and really, no information the OP has provided about her and what she has done has really struck out as crazy making.

 

The truth of the matter is, no matter what the OP says, the main reason she has animosity towards the BS is because she exists. Every action or inaction the BS can do will be wrong in the OP's eyes.

[anika99]

One would think if the BS cared for this infants well being at all (as has been debated here ad nauseum) she would of encouraged her Husband to get DNA testing like yesterday so he can start paying toward the support and well being of this innocent baby.

 

But that hasn't happened. Nothing has happened. So maybe we should stop wondering how people should act and feel and support the OP as best we can. Because right now that is the only SUPPORT she is gonna get, thanks to XMM and his advisors.

 

What thread are you reading? The BS has tried numerous times to work with the OP and has been met with either silence or being told to go through the lawyers. So the BS is going through the courts as the OP has asked. Do you think one just starts snapping their fingers and ordering up their own timetable in legal processes? I actually think the BS is acting pretty damn fast in this situation.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Mayday, I've been impressed with your attitude of consistency and stability in dealing with all related to these issues. You really seem to be handling things well!

 

Today is a new day! I hope that you find things (even if they're small) to enjoy throughout. It always helps me to cope with adversity by thinking of things I'm thankful for. That may seem trite given all you're going through but it really can make a big difference.

 

Hugs for you and your sweet babies ((((((((((Mayday and 3 precious little ones!))))))))))

Edited April 8, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[Doublegold]

Ms. Faust, You are correct in that I don't have much experience in Court related matters--thankfully. I try to avoid Courts. That is why I chose mediation over a lawyer and did my own divorce and PSA.

 

That being said--I did not want to villanize the BS. My point was that I have a hard time wrapping my head around why there is no rush to establish paternity. Yes BS has reached out to OP and is the injured party here. If he was my H I believe I would want to know ASAP if he was the Father. If paternity it is waiting on a court order/date instead of going to a lab and getting answers then so be it.

 

As for putting the caring for the baby on the BS, again, not my intention. The BS herself has reached out to the OP. Obviously my opinions didn't translant well to word-its been a long week. That is almost over.

[ChickiePops]

Ms. Faust, You are correct in that I don't have much experience in Court related matters--thankfully. I try to avoid Courts. That is why I chose mediation over a lawyer and did my own divorce and PSA.

 

That being said--I did not want to villanize the BS. My point was that I have a hard time wrapping my head around why there is no rush to establish paternity. Yes BS has reached out to OP and is the injured party here. If he was my H I believe I would want to know ASAP if he was the Father. If paternity it is waiting on a court order/date instead of going to a lab and getting answers then so be it.

 

As for putting the caring for the baby on the BS, again, not my intention. The BS herself has reached out to the OP. Obviously my opinions didn't translant well to word-its been a long week. That is almost over.

 

How do we (or the OP) know that it's the BS who is dragging their feet and not the MM (who has proven what a deadbeat father he is from day one)? The BS can try as much as she wants to get her husband to submit to a paternity test but she can't physically force him, just like Mayday can't.

 

Frankly I'm guessing she's tried and he is the one not cooperating. As much as Mayday wants to hate her, the BS sounds lovely and understanding..the MM comes off as the villain here to me.

[Doublegold]

How do we (or the OP) know that it's the BS who is dragging their feet and not the MM (who has proven what a deadbeat father he is from day one)? The BS can try as much as she wants to get her husband to submit to a paternity test but she can't physically force him, just like Mayday can't.

 

I agree. Of course it is the XMM who is dragging his feet. As I said, if I was the BS I would want that test done yesterday. Doesn't mean she can make it happen.

[Mayday2016]

So today was supposed to be the DNA test day. I get to the place and the company never sent them a DNA kit for them to administer it. Phone calls made all day to the big company and they rescheduled us about 2 hours away at a different place for a few days from now; fine, good.

 

My lawyer and xMM lawyers conferenced with the magistrate today. XMM wants to start paying support now. My lawyer is like woah, hang on, let's get the results from the DNA test first. My lawyer doesn't want to agree to the support amount just yet. He wants to investigate a bit more before he accepts a number, I guess, he wasn't very clear. He also wants xMM to pay his fees, he made that clear. He thinks everything will be very easy and clean cut when xMM realizes he's paying for both sides. During their conference xMM's lawyer made no mention of wanting visitation. No seeing baby before court or after, there was no talk of shared parental rights or responsibilities.

 

I am accepting the fact xMM just wants to pay his monthly amount to baby and have nothing to do with her, ever. I think that's why I kept getting contact from his wife because he wants nothing to do with the baby and she's pushing it either for herself or her daughter, I don't know. My lawyer did tell xMM that "the wife needs to chill" he didn't tell the lawyer what she's been doing because he wants xMM to investigate. He thinks if xMM lawyer reports back to him that his wife needs to keep her cool he's going to ask her what she's done or been up to, my lawyer really doesn't think xMM is aware of her behavior.

 

Anyway. My question to you all; If he has zero involvement in baby's life, can I ask for him to give baby a college fund? Can something like that be worked out? I want her to have a good future, something to look forward to.

Edited April 13, 2016 by Mayday2016
Corrected pronouns

[ufo8mycat]

My lawyer and xMM lawyers conferenced with the magistrate today. XMM wants to start paying support now. My lawyer is like woah, hang on, let's get the results from the DNA test first. My lawyer doesn't want to agree to the support amount just yet. He wants to investigate a bit more before he accepts a number, I guess, he wasn't very clear. He also wants xMM to pay his fees, he made that clear. He thinks everything will be very easy and clean cut when xMM realizes he's paying for both sides. During their conference xMM's lawyer made no mention of wanting visitation. No seeing baby before court or after, there was no talk of shared parental rights or responsibilities.

 

I am accepting the fact xMM just wants to pay his monthly amount to baby and have nothing to do with her, ever. I think that's why I kept getting contact from his wife because he wants nothing to do with the baby and she's pushing it either for herself or her daughter, I don't know. My lawyer did tell xMM that "the wife needs to chill" he didn't tell the lawyer what she's been doing because he wants xMM to investigate. He thinks if xMM lawyer reports back to him that his wife needs to keep her cool he's going to ask her what she's done or been up to, my lawyer really doesn't think xMM is aware of her behavior.

 

Anyway. My question to you all; If he has zero involvement in baby's life, can I ask for him to give baby a college fund? Can something like that be worked out? I want her to have a good future, something to look forward to.

 

Sure, you can negotiate anything. It doesn't mean it has to be agreed to if it is outside the court determined support requirements. I am not sure about the US but here, child support ceases when the child turns 18.

 

What I have bolded above just sounds .... wrong to me. I can understand not agreeing to a number, but surely this was discussed? Your lawyer should have communicated the level of child support you are entitled to an expecting?

 

When did the lawyer tell xMM that his wife had to chill? I think this is a really strange way for a lawyer to talk to another lawyer and their client. Particularly if in front of the magistrate.

 

In my experience neither courts or lawyers are keen to discuss extraneous matters. If it was just the two lawyers and the magistrate discussing child support then I would be VERY surprised if the wife and her behaviour came up at all.

 

I am also surprised that a magistrate would hear a matter where there had not been full disclosure, including financial disclosure and the DNA test. My understanding is that child support was based on income as a minimum. What is there to negotiate if visitation or custody is not requested?

 

The whole process sounds rather strange.

[privategal]

College fund? I feel your lawyer might be able to answer this question or the court.

If you were his wife and he got another woman pregnant you might need to chill to as there is no way to prepare for the "right way" to act or handle it.

If its too much then the xmm needs to be made aware so he can speak with her but either way, hope you can still have some sensitivity its a very embarrasing sensitive topic for her too and she may not handle it perfectly.

[Mayday2016]

 

When did the lawyer tell xMM that his wife had to chill? I think this is a really strange way for a lawyer to talk to another lawyer and their client. Particularly if in front of the magistrate.

 

 

 

I am also surprised that a magistrate would hear a matter where there had not been full disclosure, including financial disclosure and the DNA test. My understanding is that child support was based on income as a minimum. What is there to negotiate if visitation or custody is not requested?

 

The whole process sounds rather strange.

 

My lawyer called xMM lawyer before the conference and said it sort of off the record. Im not sure if he used that phrase with her or was just speaking 'down' to me as a means to say it in less words. He's a polite guy and very professional when dealing with colleagues but in our phone convos he's like the 'cool' uncle, make sense?

 

The conference today was more or less quick. It was all for courts to get the magistrate to order a DNA test but seeing as how xMM and his lawyer stepped up about that weeks ago it was open and shut. We're holding on to our court date in May. My lawyer thinks this wil all be quick and painless whereas my divorce has been a knockdown drag out fight for a long, long time and we're nowhere near being done. (Had a pre trial status conference Monday and my stbxh due to lack of payment has made all of us go back to square one... It's a mess and I just can't get into the headspace right now to talk about how insane this whole thing has become)..

Edited April 13, 2016 by Mayday2016
I keep forgetting to add words- sleep deprivation

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thanks for the update, Mayday2016. Have been wondering how you're doing.

 

I'm not surprised at the delay because the company didn't send the kit. I am surprised it was a delay of just a few days, though! That's great! I would have expected a delay of a couple weeks at least. Things seem to move slowly in the court system.

 

Interesting that exMM has mentioned nothing to his attorney that you know of about visitation. Although it would be nice for him to visit with her, from all you've shared it seems to me it would be less complicated for him not to take her on arranged visitation to his home.

 

Possibly when she's a little older he'll get to know her slowly on his own terms. With what you've described as the scenario, that would be my bet.

 

As far as a college fund, imo she'll get help with her college finances from him only if he decides he wants to do it. Where I live the child (not the parent) has to take the father to court for educational expenses after the age of 18 or after graduating high school unless he voluntarily helps to support her.

[whichwayisup]

He thinks everything will be very easy and clean cut when xMM realizes he's paying for both sides.

 

What does this mean? Paying for both sides - Meaning he is paying your legal/lawyer fees as well as his own?

 

Also, as soon as you get a job start saving money into your daughters college fund. You can't rely on him to give you all the money for her future university.

 

I hope things get settled sooner rather than later, and won't drag out for months and months.

[Mayday2016]

Thanks for the update, Mayday2016. Have been wondering how you're doing.

 

I'm not surprised at the delay because the company didn't send the kit. I am surprised it was a delay of just a few days, though! That's great! I would have expected a delay of a couple weeks at least. Things seem to move slowly in the court system.

 

Interesting that exMM has mentioned nothing to his attorney that you know of about visitation. Although it would be nice for him to visit with her, from all you've shared it seems to me it would be less complicated for him not to take her on arranged visitation to his home.

 

Possibly when she's a little older he'll get to know her slowly on his own terms. With what you've described as the scenario, that would be my bet.

 

As far as a college fund, imo she'll get help with her college finances from him only if he decides he wants to do it. Where I live the child (not the parent) has to take the father to court for educational expenses after the age of 18 or after graduating high school unless he voluntarily helps to support her.

 

 

Ok. Good to know. I'm just trying to focus on bright spots right now. I was a little disheartened when my lawyer said there was no mention of him wanting to meet or see the baby. Men and women are so different, if roles were reversed I'd want to see her however, I do understand. Maybe if he saw her he'd get attached and he wants/needs to be detached for the sake of his marriage or life. He always made it plain he did not want her, I secretly hoped if this was ever exposed he'd realize he can express a desire to see her or have contact with her because she wasn't a secret anymore. She's still so young, however, I refuse to hold onto hope that as she ages he might come around. I can't live with that mentality, I have to say he's never going to be in her life and accept it, that way I can move forward doing what I need to do to take care of her. I would be lying if I said I didn't cry when my lawyer initially relayed that info but I'm ok and it wasn't over him and I, it was purely for baby. We'll be ok though. Slowly but surely she and I will figure life out, we don't need him.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Being that children not under a child support agreement can not force their parents to pay for college.....under what law would a parent paying child support be forced to pay?

 

Wouldn't every child be able to sue/force their parents to pay for college?

 

I find it odd that your lawyer feels that this man has to pay everyone's legal fees. Are you not just as responsible for the legal fees as is your child's father?

 

And people wonder why men are fearful of the legal system.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Ok. Good to know. I'm just trying to focus on bright spots right now. I was a little disheartened when my lawyer said there was no mention of him wanting to meet or see the baby. Men and women are so different, if roles were reversed I'd want to see her however, I do understand. Maybe if he saw her he'd get attached and he wants/needs to be detached for the sake of his marriage or life. He always made it plain he did not want her, I secretly hoped if this was ever exposed he'd realize he can express a desire to see her or have contact with her because she wasn't a secret anymore. She's still so young, however, I refuse to hold onto hope that as she ages he might come around. I can't live with that mentality, I have to say he's never going to be in her life and accept it, that way I can move forward doing what I need to do to take care of her. I would be lying if I said I didn't cry when my lawyer initially relayed that info but I'm ok and it wasn't over him and I, it was purely for baby. We'll be ok though. Slowly but surely she and I will figure life out, we don't need him.

 

I'm so sorry, Mayday2016. I do think it's good you had a cry, though, as crying can be very therapeutic.

 

Out of respect for your desire not to hold out hope for him being a part of her life, I won't encourage you on it.

 

Try to consider that his life is a mess right now at home, most likely. He and W already had big issues between them and this has probably added stress in that arena. Possibly it's all he can do to cope with that at this point. And you had mentioned earlier, I believe, that he wasn't very involved in his first daughter's life even though he lives with her so try not to take it too personally for your daughter at this point, though I know with a heart full of Mommy Love it's hard not to.

[whatatangledweb]

You can ask for a college fund but it's not likely he will agree. Parents don't have to pay for their children to go to college. ( people go for this in divorces alot but most don't get it)I also think it's unlikely he will pay your lawyer fees. I think it is normal to ask but it doesn't mean the court will make him.How much has he charged for just the CS versus the divorce? Is it separate or has your lawyer lumped it together?

 

I don't understand why your lawyer didn't just let him pay the child support. Isn't there a calculated amount he has to pay based on his income? Is your lawyer still thinking he can get money from the trust?

 

What do you mean that you are step one with your stbxh? Don't you have a court order for SS and CS ? Can you garnish his pay even though he lives out of state?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Being that children not under a child support agreement can not force their parents to pay for college.....under what law would a parent paying child support be forced to pay?

 

Wouldn't every child be able to sue/force their parents to pay for college?

 

I find it odd that your lawyer feels that this man has to pay everyone's legal fees. Are you not just as responsible for the legal fees as is your child's father?

 

And people wonder why men are fearful of the legal system.

 

Where I live child support ends at age 18.

 

A child must file suit for college support if it isn't given voluntarily and if the child wishes to try to get help from the parent who has been paying child support up until that time. The judge makes the decision whether the child gets support and how much it will be. Idk how he/she decides. I have friends who are attorneys who tell me if the child goes to the expense and effort to take a parent to court they are likely to get at least some financial help.

 

However, of course, it costs money to take a parent to court for college financial help so the other parent probably will need to supply the initial retainer, I would think.

 

Also, where I live when there is a significant disparity of income between two parents in a domestic case the one with the greater income often ends up paying for both attorneys and for all court-related costs.

[Ms. Faust]

Paying for college depends on the state. I know NY and NJ require it, but a quick google search says:

 

Alabama, Connecticut, the District of Columbia, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Missouri, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Oregon, South Carolina, Utah and Washington**

 

are all states that require divorced parents to pay for college. All other states the CS stops at 18 or when they graduate high school, whichever comes last, if I recall correctly.

 

I imagine the xMM's lawyer is going to strongly discourage adding paying for college in the agreement.

 

Mayday: Please, remember, this is a man who admitted that he did not have a bond or attachment to his daughter with his wife. This is also a man who was adamant he did NOT want your baby, did not attend the birth, and refused to acknowledge her existence up until you decided to pursue CS. Of course it is always possible he may come around, but how likely do you truly think that will be?

 

** I am not sure how updated that list is, btw, but it gives a general idea.

 

Here is an article that might be more updated:

https://karencovy.com/do-divorced-parents-have-to-pay-for-their-childrens-college-expenses/

 

As to the xMM wanting to start paying: I suspect it has something to do with the retroactive payments he may have to make once the DNA test comes through. From my understanding if one is not paying child support they can be on the hook for retroactive payments from the date when support was filed. I would assume he wants to minimize that number. Someone with more legal expertise feel free to correct me.

Edited April 13, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[bathtub-row]

It's a good idea to request that he at least pay child support during the years that she would be in college for a 4-yr degree. Stipulate, however, that if she chooses not to go to college or quits, child support ends.

 

Mayday, it's really sad that he has said nothing about visitation with the child. He wants to compartmentalize her and pretend she doesn't exist. He will regret that decision someday but whatever. It won't be his first bad decision. You're right that there's nothing you can do except move on and live your lives.

 

I think at this point, xMM is doing good to hang onto his marriage because I can guarantee you, for most women, if their husband cheated on them and got the OW pregnant, that would be the end of the line. There's no way I would personally tolerate that. So I'm thinking that his home life is one big hot mess right now.