His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[Mayday2016]

But again, he is in arrears so he is paying back child support. So while he didn't pay anything at the time (without a court order why would he? There's no way to set an amount, no way to prove he paid or how much), he is paying and repaying it now.

 

And if you moved at his request and paid out of pocket for it, that isn't his fault. He didn't force you to move... He shouldn't have asked you, but it's not his fault you agreed to go. That was your choice.

 

You've yet to clarify how he never met the child but was in the house with her to see you.

 

It just seems in this story, everything happens to you, it's all somebody else's fault. It's the insane BW, it's the court, it's the AP, it's now your ex husband... But never actually you.

 

He did treat you like crap, he did get away for too long not being in the baby's life, he did make unreasonable demands... But you put up with it. You agreed to it. You encouraged it. This isn't all him.

 

 

I nursed her, he kept his back to us. I laid her in the bassinet, he refused to look down at her. He did hold her when she was 6 days old. He begged me to meet him at a hotel because he was 'depressed' and needed me to "love him".. I figured it was my last chance since 2 weeks before that he had 'broken up' with me. I told him I needed to grab something from the car so I laid baby on one of the double beds and left the room. When I came back he was swaying with her in his arms patting her back awkwardly. He waited a minute or two before giving her back to me. That is the only t

[William]

Folks, we need to do some member cleanup so will close this briefly while taking care of that and then will reopen. Long thread so remember to keep it topical in the present and always respectful. It goes better for everyone that way.

 

 

OK, review since update complete, one member banned and another moderated. I hope this can proceed in an orderly and civil fashion or I'll do a more in-depth review and clean things up further. Let's leave the interrogations for the courtroom, shall we? This is a relationship discussion forum. Thanks!

Edited June 11, 2016 by William
Reopened thread

[whichwayisup]

I want him to walk. He's going to, eventually. I'd rather him do it before baby knows him then when she's 3 years old and bonded to him and he just walks out and leaves her with memories. He will fall in love with the novelty of her and then turn his back on her. I'd rather him disappear now while she's blissfully unaware of his existence.

 

There's no more nostalgia on my end. The sad love faded into anger weeks and weeks ago. I'm just in a constant state of being pissed off.. Not lovelorn.

Then why go through all this? His actions have shown you who he is, and not only that but his past behavior with his other kids. He's always been a detached and absent father and sadly he'll continue to be that.

 

Leave it alone, you're getting child support so just back off of the visitation. He isn't interested.

 

Live happily with your baby and other children, look forward to the summer and have fun.

[wmacbride]

Waaaaaaaaait. Their lawyer supposedly told your lawyer all this stuff about his clients?

 

Either [] your lawyer made it up, or it did happen and both of your lawyers are total losers taking you both for a ride.

 

Your lawyers obligation on getting that information isn't to tell you, it's to report the other lawyer because it makes the whole case you have 100% tenuous. It's a breech of ethics and if that lawyer is found out and found to have told your lawyer, they're both in serious trouble and it voids any agreement made by or mediated by said lawyer.

 

Where is the mediator in all of this information sharing?

 

I find it difficult-to-impossible to believe a lawyer incriminated his own client to the opposing counsel, opposing counsel took the information and rode with it, and the mediator said "cool story bro" and did nothing.

 

I can't speak to the law in any other country but here, the laws in a courtroom are different than those that apply to mediation, and a lawyer is not obligated to disclose any information at all, especially confidential information. This is what makes this sound so strange. Why would the op;s ex-mm lawyer reveal of of this information, if he doesn't have to?

 

Also, and "video" of a wrecked house would likely be thrown out as evidence of anything, as there is no real way of authenticating it. Anyone can mess up a room and say someone else did it.

[Lady Hamilton]

I can't speak to the law in any other country but here, the laws in a courtroom are different than those that apply to mediation, and a lawyer is not obligated to disclose any information at all, especially confidential information. This is what makes this sound so strange. Why would the op;s ex-mm lawyer reveal of of this information, if he doesn't have to?

 

Also, and "video" of a wrecked house would likely be thrown out as evidence of anything, as there is no real way of authenticating it. Anyone can mess up a room and say someone else did it.

 

Anything that is done in mediation can be used in litigation should mediation fail. So the lawyers are still bound to maintain a certain level of decorum and confidentiality and report any and all breeches to a presiding judge. It can be used against them later, so their own lawyer violating confidentiality and medical at a mediation... That's not ok.

 

And I agree about the wrecked house. Ask Amber Heard.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Anything that is done in mediation can be used in litigation should mediation fail. So the lawyers are still bound to maintain a certain level of decorum and confidentiality and report any and all breeches to a presiding judge. It can be used against them later, so their own lawyer violating confidentiality and medical at a mediation... That's not ok.

 

And I agree about the wrecked house. Ask Amber Heard.

 

 

Yeah, I just can't see any lawyer conducting themselves in a manner that would get them disbarred over representing clients. (No offence here, but especially clients that are not generating annual millions towards their firm). They have no vested interest in the overall "justice" of anything beyond their own client, actually they want to have a reputation of being an excellent lawyer defending their client and minimizing any payouts/culpability, to bring in future clients.

 

If the OP has skewed perceptions of how the mediation went, it naturally follows how skewed their perception is on all that has transpired. Are they listening to what others are saying or is their a closed-caption script already assigned to all the players...running on auto-pilot?

 

I do not recall if the OP is in IC or not...being a caregiver to so many, it is vital for the wellbeing of all them for there to be additional support in place.

[rainbowsandkittens]

[Non-conforming content redacted]

 

But the more you protest that this is really for the baby rather than you fighting because he hurt YOU- the longer this is going to go on for. And really- She's the innocent in all this.

 

[Non-conforming content redacted]

 

I know your in IC but I think you really need to work harder at letting this go and focusing on what's best for your daughter. It's normal to feel hurt and abandoned by him. To want things to be different. But at a certain point you need to realize that it's not going to happen. No way no how. And you need to start working on what's truly best. I hope you can get to that point. Your daughter can only benefit from that.

Edited June 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Post edited to conforming content and member suspended

[Doublegold]

Mayday, continue to take care of yourself and your precious daughter. You sound SO much stronger than before and please know there are people who have only best wishes for you and your daughter as you navigate the future as best you can.

 

Keep moving forward. Take care.

[Lady Hamilton]

I nursed her, he kept his back to us. I laid her in the bassinet, he refused to look down at her. He did hold her when she was 6 days old. He begged me to meet him at a hotel because he was 'depressed' and needed me to "love him".. I figured it was my last chance since 2 weeks before that he had 'broken up' with me. I told him I needed to grab something from the car so I laid baby on one of the double beds and left the room. When I came back he was swaying with her in his arms patting her back awkwardly. He waited a minute or two before giving her back to me. That is the only t

 

So then "not meeting the baby" isn't exactly true...

 

Time to start adjusting to the reality that he isn't leaving his wife, she is his today, tomorrow, and forever, and they have a right to be in the baby's life.

 

The sooner you adjust and facilitate, the faster and easier the transition becomes. You do owe it to your daughter to let her father get I know her, his wife, and her siblings.

 

It will be hard. It will suck. But it is necessary.

[Blanco]

He's got rights to see the child, but insofar as being with him and having a nice little family unit with him and your daughter? Totally unrealistic, and moreover, probably a bad idea in the long run even if he, against all odds, left his family for you.

 

You need to stay mindful that this is a guy who, despite being married and having a child, was frequenting a site explicitly set up for adultery. What makes you think someone so lacking in decency would suddenly become a "family man" for you? He already was and he's shown how seriously he takes that role.

 

And that's without even considering how utterly disposable he treated you during the affair. Having a pregnant woman come to the driveway of his married home for sexual release is the action of a sociopath.

[sandylee1]

A more natural environment would certainly be a lot better for your DD. The place you described seems so cloning .... almost like a police ID suite where the suspect can't see the witnesses for security reasons.

 

Perhaps after doing the long trip for a while and seeing that it's not the best set up you'll have a change of heart.

[Mayday2016]

A more natural environment would certainly be a lot better for your DD. The place you described seems so cloning .... almost like a police ID suite where the suspect can't see the witnesses for security reasons.

 

Perhaps after doing the long trip for a while and seeing that it's not the best set up you'll have a change of heart.

 

 

His wife chose it. She chose it days before our mediation. They went into mediation wanting this place for his visitations. The fake profile she used to gain access to my family only Facebook she used to post on the facility Facebook's page where she stupidly gave them her email (the one she told me to use to send her and xMM photos of the baby) asking for visitation materials and how to volunteer info just days before our mediation.

[MuddyFootprints]

It wasn't stupid. Calculating, perhaps, but isn't that the game you are both playing?

 

Poor kids.

[Mayday2016]

It wasn't stupid. Calculating, perhaps, but isn't that the game you are both playing?

 

Poor kids.

 

 

 

I'm not playing a game. This is my daughter's future (and her present). I'm not playing fast and loose when it comes to my baby. I am doing what my instinct is telling me to; and my instinct says I need to protect her because something feels 'off.' A lot of folks disagree with me and keep saying, "but she's the only one pushing for visitation" .. And you know what? I have this gnawing feeling in my gut if I let her around my daughter it won't serve my daughter very well. You all can hem and say things like, "it's because you still want xMM and you want him to be your family man" and you know what? That's fine. In all of this, I never really cared how anyone else viewed me but I've suffered a whole hell of a lot and I'd rather limit my daughter's potential future suffering- something tells me if I open that door to his wife right now, all she will be is a huge pain in the ass and stress my baby the heck out. The stress now is hurting my milk supply, I'm not going to let any further stress screw with her food source.

[MuddyFootprints]

What do you suppose caused the delayed "gut reaction"?

 

You are right. Something definitely "feels off."

[anika99]

We go back to court in September for a second mediation to accomplish God knows what.

 

 

The 2nd mediation will be to see how the visitation is going. If it has gone well then the time the MM gets the baby will be increased and the restrictions will be a little relaxed. You didn't think the current arrangement is going to go on forever did you? If the MM proves himself to be consistent and trustworthy then eventually he will get full days with his daughter and possibly weekends.

[anika99]

His wife chose it. She chose it days before our mediation. They went into mediation wanting this place for his visitations. The fake profile she used to gain access to my family only Facebook she used to post on the facility Facebook's page where she stupidly gave them her email (the one she told me to use to send her and xMM photos of the baby) asking for visitation materials and how to volunteer info just days before our mediation.

 

His wife is inflexible because of your inflexiblity. She is rigid because you have been determined to have communication with her husband since this whole saga began and she rightfully does not want that.

 

 

You may not be playing a game now but you definitely were playing games in the beginning and using your daughter to do it. The object of the game was to use your daughter to keep the MM involved with you. He was supposed to come and have visits with his daughter with you present, maybe go on little family outings, just the 3 of you with no BW in sight. Basically the game was to use the baby to lure the MM to you and keep the affair going. Now that you know there is no way in hell that is ever going to happen you don't want to play this game anymore, the game that you started.

 

 

Perhaps the MM isn't serious about visitation and will slowly just fade away and you won't have to deal with this but if he does bond with the baby and wants his visitation increased without all the restrictions, it will happen. That's why there will be a second mediation, and then likely a third and fourth mediation. The goal is to have the MM have unsupervised unrestricted visits with his daughter for longer and longer periods of time. You will not be able to dictate how this goes forever.

[Sub]

... all she will be is a huge pain in the ass and stress my baby the heck out.

 

Well, how well will this current arrangement work out for all of you? Your baby's going to make an hour and a half long trip to a "facility" to be handed off by a stranger to a man she doesn't know for an hour or so every week.

 

Maybe a different approach is in order.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Mayday2016, so good to get your update! Haven't had time to read the last several pages of this thread but did want to weigh in to say it seems to me all is going quite well for your little one with the recent arrangements and the way things turned out during and as a result of mediation.

 

Given both exMM's and his BW's behavior that you have posted since the beginning of your thread and that I have thoughtfully read, it seems to me it is best for your child that neither exMM nor BW is involved in her young life. From what you've written I doubt he'll be able to find the time for visitation and believe that you'll be able to raise her yourself.

 

Your little one sounds precious! So glad you're enjoying her! And glad to have you back to post of your sensible, intelligent, responsible dealings concerning the welfare of your daughter.

[Mayday2016]

What do you suppose caused the delayed "gut reaction"?

 

You are right. Something definitely "feels off."

 

 

It's not delayed. It's been there since even before she learned of my existence. If you read this thread I address my growing concerns over and over. The fact that every time I'm somehow in town, she just coincidently drives by my apartment (which is a side street one wouldn't even take as a short cut) and that she created a profile on Facebook emulating someone I used to go to school with so she could gain access to private postings (after I blocked all her other avenues) solidifies my fear there are obsessive thoughts cycling through her head.

 

This is about baby's welfare. I have taken care of my daughter by myself, it's been hard enough but throw in an erratic BW and an xMM that is still trying to postpone any responsibility the court says he owes baby, and it hasn't been a walk in the park. I love my kids though and if anything this messy, messy ordeal has taught me is that even though I have always been submissive and passive and allowed everyone to walk all over me, when it comes to my babes I really do have some balls. I'm starting to fight, I never fought before. I let a 12 year marriage keep me locked away and then I had a xMM that I gave up the rest of my dignity and self-respect for; I'm not making concessions on behalf of my kids, I'm putting their well-being at the forefront. I've cut off all emotion because it left me vulnerable making piss poor decisions, look at how I allowed xMM treat me when I was 8 months pregnant. This is about more than just me now; I'm not some petty scorned other woman, I'm a Momma Bear with a gut instinct to keep his wife away from my kid.

[Maddieandtae]

May do you think you might be a little worried that baby/xmm&bs will all bond as a family unit along with half sibling? Is that perhaps why you are "fighting" so hard? I've never been in your situation and I can only imagine how hard this is on all involved. Look you know your current situation for what it is and I can only quess what the other people involved are really doing but I think you need to refocus your thoughts away from the BS and what she supposedly is and accept what then xmm is. You know from your interactions with him for the most part who he is but you know nothing of his wife just a lot of second hand info and which comes from a lot of untrustworthy sources:(

Edited June 12, 2016 by Maddieandtae
...

[stillafool]

 

This is about more than just me now; I'm not some petty scorned other woman, I'm a Momma Bear with a gut instinct to keep his wife away from my kid.

 

I see your hate and distain for the BW however where is the hate for the person who has treated you the worse, which is MM. Why aren't you as angry with him as his wife? He is the one who made you use your own money to move closer to him knowing you are a single mom, supporting kids. You had to use money that should be for them to move closer to him. He was so rotten he didn't offer a dime to help. This same man turned his back on you once you became pregnant and wanted nothing to do with you except casual sex at his convenience. Then after his baby was born wanted nothing to do with her at all. So I ask you May where is your hate and mistrust of him? Are you going to drop all of this so your baby doesn't have to see MM or his wife?

[minimariah]

...I'm a Momma Bear with a gut instinct to keep his wife away from my kid.

 

the LAW is above your Momma Bear gut instincts - i don't think you're aware of that and it might cost you.

[BlueIris]

You’re incorrectly defining the threat to you and your daughter. He is the threat. She isn’t.

 

He's triangulated you. He uses and lies to two people who don’t even know each other and wouldn’t cross paths. He sets them against each other to avoid responsibility for creating the problem. I’ll bet you a nickel that in the next few years he will find another gullible affair partner and play the same game: yet again, that he will be that poor pitiable victim of the bad people (2 now) but because he loves those kids so very much, he just can’t leave. Oh my, the turmoil and impossibility of this terrible situation that others thrust onto him, so sad.

 

I don’t understand why the two people who get lied to and used don’t end up allies. I wouldn’t want that guy anywhere near my kids and since the default in courts these days is that both parents get access, I’d cut a deal so fast to disappear from their lives and not worry about a penny just so I could keep my child from growing up around someone like that.

[bathtub-row]

I don't know - maybe I'm reading this all wrong but I think all these restrictions on visitation has to do with the BS and her erratic behavior. Not only that, she has a proven record of being mentally unstable. I'm not sure how that's ever going to be worked out so that everyone feels confident that the baby is safe.

 

Wow, I'm just thinking about their marriage and what a complete hot mess it is. I often wonder what kinds of conversations they have between one another. And how on earth is it going to last?