His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[minimariah]

I don't know - maybe I'm reading this all wrong but I think all these restrictions on visitation has to do with the BS and her erratic behavior.

 

i thought Mayday said the restrictions were actually BS's idea because she doesn't want xMM to interact with Mayday?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Mayday, I don't sense or notice any disdain or hatred on your part for the BS in this situation, but rather disdain for her behavior, and rightly so.

 

To me, her behavior has clearly been intrusive in many ways. This is not to say I view her as a bad person but it seems to me she's a person who is unstable and has exhibited inappropriate behavior many times, not just once or twice.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I don't know - maybe I'm reading this all wrong but I think all these restrictions on visitation has to do with the BS and her erratic behavior. Not only that, she has a proven record of being mentally unstable. I'm not sure how that's ever going to be worked out so that everyone feels confident that the baby is safe.

 

Wow, I'm just thinking about their marriage and what a complete hot mess it is. I often wonder what kinds of conversations they have between one another. And how on earth is it going to last?

 

 

I agree, bathtub-row. My thought has been all along, and more so as Mayday continues to post updates, that the marriage of exMM and BW probably won't last. To me, from what Mayday has posted, neither exMM nor BW seems capable, at this point, of a healthy relationship.

 

I sincerely believe that May has dodged a bullet with having exMM disappear from her life and that this experience will be very helpful in shoring up May's resolve to never again consider exMM as relationship worthy, though his marriage may end.

[minimariah]

To me, from what Mayday has posted, neither exMM nor BW seems capable, at this point, of a healthy relationship.

 

i think their relationship was NEVER a healthy one to begin with - which is exactly why it will most likely last for a very long time.

[imperfectangel]

His wife needs to understand that as parents you WILL at some point need to speak to MM face at face. You can't go through other people forever

[Lady Hamilton]

None of this makes sense...

 

BW is crazy and erratic according to her own lawyer, but apparently in mediation she can pick out where visitation (that she's not being allowed to attend) occurs and nobody can say no?

 

OP invokes the "mama bear" defense based on a "gut feeling" and she feels that's her right, but the BS checks out the OP and the woman who had a child with her husband and that makes her a crazy stalker?

 

Op refuses to expose the baby to the crazy BW, but OP allows her to dictate custody?

 

He doesn't want to be involved so she doesn't want to make custody easy, but BW is reaching out to set up custody, researching a facility to make it happen, and goes to court just so she can lay eyes on her stepdaughter? And he pushed for mediation again in Sept?

 

Generally people who want nothing to do with their kid don't show up to court repeatedly, go to mediation, hire lawyers, and research places to have visitation, much less schedule another date to revisit it 3 months later. They up and vanish, skip court, don't agree to arrears, or they sign rights away.

 

OP say it has nothing to do about being hurt that this life she pictured didn't happen, but then she says that she is hurt and been hurt and is tired of hurting and that's why she does what she does...

 

The woman was probably researching the facility because her husband asked her to, she wants to learn about the place that will facilitate an agreement, she has a vested interest in the child, and she wants to make sure it's suitable for thier mutual child to go and meet the baby... Hardly crazy. That's basic due diligence.

 

After all, he walked into mediation with that location and proposal, not OP. Which means that household is digging to find how to make a relationship with the child. It also means they walked in armed with more solutions and informed visitation opinions than OP, who only presented solutions that didn't guarantee enforcement of their one stipulation... OP being nowhere near him.

 

It almost sounds like they think she is a threat, to their marriage or otherwise, in some way and they are doing this to ensure that they're not exposed to her.

 

I feel like on some other forum somewhere there's a BS talking about how she's trying to rebuild her marriage after an affair where the OW had a baby and the OW is acting in the manner the BW is accused of acting on this forum.

 

OP... I get you're tired of hurting, but this isn't the way to go about preventing it. This creates more, not less hurt, and it hurts the baby. And honestly, the focus shouldn't be on your hurt and what you don't want for yourself but the best interests of the baby and what she needs.

Edited June 12, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[LivingWaterPlease]

i think their relationship was NEVER a healthy one to begin with - which is exactly why it will most likely last for a very long time.

 

 

Good point, minimariah! I agree with you that the dysfunction of WH's and BW's marriage could be the glue holding it together. I had already thought of that and didn't mention it as I didn't want to take the discussion into another realm other than what OP has intended this thread to be. But, I admit that I already did that by mentioning I doubt his marriage will last. I do think it's a factor that could possibly relate to the long term happiness of May's daughter but is probably not pertinent to the immediate concerns of May. Didn't mean to thread jack, though!

 

One of the reasons I believe it won't hold them together, though, is the fact that they've been separated already. It's my understanding that having a separation in the history of a couple makes it more likely for them to part later on.

 

Since I've lived with a bipolar person I'm familiar with the types of behaviors they present with, left untreated, and the fact that, though many bipolar people stay on meds so that they function well enough in relationships, many go on and off their meds and life with those types can be very difficult.

 

Because of information OP has posted about BW's bipolar behavior (and I don't know that all the inappropriate behavior she has manifested can be attributed to bipolar, some of it can be, especially that which exMM's lawyer has acknowledged) it seems to me she's not on meds, or has been and has gone off of them from time-to-time. I doubt her WH will choose to endure this type of behavior for a lifetime, given, as I've already mentioned, that he has already chosen to separate from her once. Only time will tell, though.

Edited June 12, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[Cloudcuckoo]

I cannot even begin to fathom the difficulties involving these three adults, but I do think it's so terribly sad that none of them seem capable of setting aside their feelings to engender a healthy environment for a child to foster healthy bonds for the future.

 

While the 'grown ups' fight and bicker amongst themselves, this wee mite could be bonding with two families.

 

My personal view is that all this furore over the very dubious deliberations about a woman's mental health is grossly exaggerated and a smoke screen...

 

Children are loaned to us for such a short time, it seems such a shame to expend energy in battle that averts our attention to what's most important. Making the most of all the precious time we have with them today. Tomorrow has yet to be discovered.

[stillafool]

I'm not playing a game. This is my daughter's future (and her present). I'm not playing fast and loose when it comes to my baby. I am doing what my instinct is telling me to; and my instinct says I need to protect her because something feels 'off.' A lot of folks disagree with me and keep saying, "but she's the only one pushing for visitation" .. And you know what? I have this gnawing feeling in my gut if I let her around my daughter it won't serve my daughter very well. You all can hem and say things like, "it's because you still want xMM and you want him to be your family man" and you know what? That's fine. In all of this, I never really cared how anyone else viewed me but I've suffered a whole hell of a lot and I'd rather limit my daughter's potential future suffering- something tells me if I open that door to his wife right now, all she will be is a huge pain in the ass and stress my baby the heck out. The stress now is hurting my milk supply, I'm not going to let any further stress screw with her food source.

 

So if you instinct is telling you your baby could be in danger are you planning on asking him to give up rights to your baby?

[stillafool]

His wife needs to understand that as parents you WILL at some point need to speak to MM face at face. You can't go through other people forever

 

They can speak face to face but only with his wife present.

[minimariah]

I doubt her WH will choose to endure this type of behavior for a lifetime...

 

keep in mind that xMM isn't emotionally OR mentally stable - his relationship with the OP was ALSO an unhealthy one. i agree with Lady Hamilton - a LOT just doesn't add up and i think Mayday has demons of her own to deal with.

Edited June 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[goodyblue]

So if you instinct is telling you your baby could be in danger are you planning on asking him to give up rights to your baby?

 

Why do people ask this? In the states at least, a parent cannot just sign over rights unless there is someone in line to adopt the child.

 

I don't know about other countries.

[goodyblue]

They can speak face to face but only with his wife present.

 

Mayday doesn't EVER have to go through XMM's wife and doesn't have to be around her ever. The baby will eventually if XMM takes the baby to his home, but for Mayday... there is no need to worry about whAt BS wants. That is XMM baby to rock.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Mayday doesn't EVER have to go through XMM's wife and doesn't have to be around her ever. The baby will eventually if XMM takes the baby to his home, but for Mayday... there is no need to worry about whAt BS wants. That is XMM baby to rock.

 

Nobody EVER said that she has to go 'through' the married mans wife, nor does she have to be around her.

 

The real tragedy is that wee girl is out in the middle of all this silliness.....

[goodyblue]

Nobody EVER said that she has to go 'through' the married mans wife, nor does she have to be around her.

 

The real tragedy is that wee girl is out in the middle of all this silliness.....

 

Agreed. Unfortunately it is that way for a lot of children who's parents are not together. But it is true that May need never interact with or allow the BS to dictate anything.

[LivingWaterPlease]

keep in mind that xMM isn't emotionally OR mentally stable --- his relationship with the OP was ALSO an unhealthy one. i agree with Lady Hamilton - a LOT just doesn't add up and i think Mayday has demons of her own to deal with.

 

 

Yes, I've considered that xMM isn't emotionally or mentally stable and have stated as much in my posts.

 

I don't believe anyone on this thread has considered or stated that xMM's relationship with OP was healthy.

 

From all I've read of Mayday's posts she has been consistent and has followed a remarkably and demonstrably strong and sincere pathway to a healthier way of behaving than when she participated in her R with exMM.

 

I am quite impressed with Mayday's independence and her core strength in staying focused on her goal of providing a healthy environment for her daughter to be reared in, even as she writes of it here in this thread.

 

I am also impressed that she has seen exMM for who he is and no longer is interested in having a relationship with him.

 

In my opinion Mayday has learned a lot in her relatively short life and is learning from her mistakes and applying what she has learned to better life for both her children and herself.

Edited June 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[dreamingoftigers]

Mayday doesn't EVER have to go through XMM's wife and doesn't have to be around her ever. The baby will eventually if XMM takes the baby to his home, but for Mayday... there is no need to worry about whAt BS wants. That is XMM baby to rock.

 

Stillafool was reiterating the stance that the BW & MM laid out for Mayday.

 

Mayday, of course, has chosen not to agree to that and is insistant on setting up ways for her and MM to have private contact which has not worked.

[goodyblue]

Stillafool was reiterating the stance that the BW & MM laid out for Mayday.

 

Mayday, of course, has chosen not to agree to that and is insistant on setting up ways for her and MM to have private contact which has not worked.

 

Right. I admit I have not every single post very long thread. At some point they will have to either agree to visits or the court will. It is possible mayday may not deal with the MM for visits and there could be a third party exchange, but she still won't have to deal with BS. If it were me, I would want BS in solved in things if she will be involved in the care of the baby.

[imperfectangel]

They can speak face to face but only with his wife present.

 

Well long term that isn't going to work is it? They're parents, not the w. Obviously yes the w will be involved but as parents they'll be things through the years that they need to discuss, even hospital visits, graduation etc wifey needs to realise she can't control everything

[Cloudcuckoo]

Agreed. Unfortunately it is that way for a lot of children who's parents are not together. But it is true that May need never interact with or allow the BS to dictate anything.

 

Unfortunately, if the Father is to be involved in the little one's life, as has already been said, then so is his wife by default as long as she's his wife.

 

The child will be a stepchild to the BS whether anyone likes it or not, and cutting off ones nose to spite the face does nothing at all for the child's future equilibrium within her two families.

 

I'll say it again. The little one should be put FIRST. The agenda of each of the adults must be set aside to do what's best on all fronts for her. It seems to be an insurmountable problem for any of them to agree on anything.

[Lady Hamilton]

Being involved isn't control.

 

And "wifey" certainly does have a say in all of this. It's her husband, her stepdaughter, and income coming from her household. At some point, she will be in care of the child.

 

There are very few of us who, if it were us in BW's place who'd say "sure, you can demand I stay away and you have only one-on-one meetings with my husband on your schedule about the child... Go for it! I'll just sit here with our child and wait for further instructions."

 

The woman was promised an R, she can see that the baby is being used as leverage to cut her out of her own marriage.

 

This isn't negotiating hospital visits or graduation (though she should be at those too), but basic custody. OP only wants to talk to BW's husband privately about visitation and to set up and maintain visitation, and she wants her to not be involved in seeing the baby... Period. That's not realistic and it's not realistic to think BW would be fine with that.

[imperfectangel]

Well at first no she shouldn't be seeing the baby. The baby needs to get to know MM first and then in time have the bs introduced to her and then siblings etc whether she likes it or not they will at some point in the next 20 years speak privately, multiple times

[Cloudcuckoo]

Well long term that isn't going to work is it? They're parents, not the w. Obviously yes the w will be involved but as parents they'll be things through the years that they need to discuss, even hospital visits, graduation etc wifey needs to realise she can't control everything

 

I don't believe it's been mentioned anywhere that 'wifey' wants to control everything. What she obviously wants is to be sure that she is not excluded. A perfectly reasonable request under the circumstances. Those being that her husband has created a life with a woman other than his wife without her knowledge or consent.

 

Her intentions, I don't believe, are misguided but clumsy perhaps.

 

It's been repeated again and again, whether one cares for it or not, the married man has a wife, a child with his wife, and that means step parenting is inevitable whether now or in the near future.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well long term that isn't going to work is it? They're parents, not the w. Obviously yes the w will be involved but as parents they'll be things through the years that they need to discuss, even hospital visits, graduation etc wifey needs to realise she can't control everything

 

Mayday will more likely have to realize that she can't control MM's parenting or marriage.

 

And that short of a divorce, his wife likes won't just disappear.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well at first no she shouldn't be seeing the baby. The baby needs to get to know MM first and then in time have the bs introduced to her and then siblings etc whether she likes it or not they will at some point in the next 20 years speak privately, multiple times

 

Why should the child meet her stepparent and half sister in these weird stages?

 

That's her family.

Those are her other set of parents.

 

Frankly, it seems that the BW will go through whatever hoops necessary, including getting evaluated to prove herself fit. The only control here is coming from Mayday.