His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[noelle303]

This isn't an update. I'm just not doing well. Mentally, I'm ****. Really ****. Since I heard about his divorce I just started spiralling and I don't know why. Anger is cropping up, I thought I had 'dealt' with things but I clearly have some unresolved. I don't miss him. I'm finally sleeping again but I'm just so mad. He hasn't met baby (formally) a few will argue semantics that him holding her one time when she was 6 days old was that but baby is 8 months old now.

 

We have a mediation next week. Why? The last one we did he supposedly said he was going to start visitation but that never happened. So what does he want to accomplish now? Just lie again to the magistrate that he's so busy and she should take pity on him for his inability to even just meet the baby? Or will he not even show up making me go through the 8 hour process of going to court, being at court, picking up baby from,the sitter and going home?

 

I don't know how to process this anger. I,just want to yell in his face I think he's a piece of ****. I just. Don't know.

 

Anger is really normal in these type of circumstances. But use that anger as your motivation to come out on top.

 

I can give you advice as a woman who's been through this 6 years ago. My xMM was a piece of s*** back then. He left me all alone to deal with my pregnancy and our daughter. I remember being so angry at the time for how he treated me and most of all, how he treated my perfect little baby girl.

 

But then I realized that nothing I do or how I feel about him will make him change. I had to focus all my energy on building my life to be the best possible life for my daughter.

 

When he contacted me years later - I knew I had won. I faced this obstacle, which he cowardly left me alone to deal with, and I overcame it. I felt pity for him. He lost so much with our daughter and he will never be able to get it back. There is so much regret and shame that I see in him now.

 

Meanwhile, I was raising a happy, healthy, well-adjusted child and building a career on my own. I'm proud of myself.

 

My point is - don't dwell on what kinda person he is and don't be angered by his actions. Focus on what kinda of a person YOU want to be for your kids and strive for that.

[Mayday2016]

We had court.

 

I will condense.

 

His wife was not there as she will soon be his ex-wife. We mediated in Seperate rooms. His lawyer said he would like to come to a resolution so xmm can move on and put all this behind him. He wrote me a check for back child support and paid my lawyer $1000.

 

He gave me all rights and responsibilities. As far as contact it is at my discretion but the mediator says to keep it limited to just her birthday. He will put her on his health insurance Jan 2017. He is open to check her educational progress once she is school aged.

 

When we went to the judge xmm's lawyer said to make an order so we never have to go back to court. The judge said he doesn't know where things are headed but he looked at xmm and said to never forget that [baby] is a person and will need her father. Xmm shook his head as if he understood. The judge asked me if all this seems fair and I looked at my lawyer who nodded yes. I said yes. The judge said are you sure? I wanted to say no but agsin, I just said yes. There's no sense in fighting for his involvement anymore. His lawyer asked a very poignant question to him if he acknowledges that [baby] is His daughter and he said yes. And then we left the courtroom.

 

My lawyer said to change baby's last name to my maiden and to keep his name off The birth certificate. That to go on with life and forget him.

 

ExMM walked out of the courthouse never once looking at me. He is gone, I know, forever.

 

 

 

ExMM IS divorcing his wife. And wants nothing to do with the daughter he created with me. I feel bad for his wife. I always thought she was crazy but it was him.he is a sociopath. I know for sure now.

 

I am numb.

Edited September 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted name ~6

[stillafool]

I really don't know why you are numb because this is the way he has acted towards his child from the very beginning. If he doesn't want to have anything to do with precious [baby] she is better off without him in her life. He has no one to blame but himself for his wife's departure and she is more than likely going to take him to the cleaners for spousal and child support. Things don't look too rosy for him that's for sure.

Edited September 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted name ~6

[MidnightBlue1980]

I really don't know why you are numb because this is the way he has acted towards his child from the very beginning. If he doesn't want to have anything to do with precious [baby] she is better off without him in her life. He has no one to blame but himself for his wife's departure and she is more than likely going to take him to the cleaners for spousal and child support. Things don't look too rosy for him that's for sure.

 

I'm sure the OP just finds it hard to believe someone could be that cold. I've seen it, so I believe it. I'm sorry OP, that really is horrible. But I have to agree with stillafool (feel funny calling you that), you and your daughter are better off without this guy in your life. Now you can meet someone who is not a sociopath (and yes, I am familiar with them, and believe you) and hopefully you can start over. A child is a wonderful blessing. Just move forward and don't look back.

Edited September 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted name ~6

[Mayday2016]

I really don't know why you are numb because this is the way he has acted towards his child from the very beginning. If he doesn't want to have anything to do with precious [baby] she is better off without him in her life. He has no one to blame but himself for his wife's departure and she is more than likely going to take him to the cleaners for spousal and child support. Things don't look too rosy for him that's for sure.

 

Because I had belief in him still. I cling to hope, which I know now was asinine. I remembered all the loving sentiments he said to me almost 2 years ago because I was stupid. I was a stupid, stupid woman. And now I'm seeing things for how they truly were. It took yesterday's brick to the face; yesterday I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt there is ZERO humanity in him.

Edited September 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted name ~6

[noelle303]

 

My lawyer said to change baby's last name to my maiden and to keep his name off The birth certificate. That to go on with life and forget him.

 

.

 

I don't understand this part? Doesn't she already have a birth certificate? Is his name on it? Because you can't remove someone's name from the existing birth certificate unless they are being adopted by another person.

 

And if he isn't on the birth certificate then he basically doesn't have to pay child support because he is not considered the legal father.

[Mayday2016]

I don't understand this part? Doesn't she already have a birth certificate? Is his name on it? Because you can't remove someone's name from the existing birth certificate unless they are being adopted by another person.

 

And if he isn't on the birth certificate then he basically doesn't have to pay child support because he is not considered the legal father.

 

In my state the father has to be in the room to be on the document, the paternity tests proves he's her dad. He has to go to our town office and amend the bc to be added as her father

[noelle303]

In my state the father has to be in the room to be on the document, the paternity tests proves he's her dad. He has to go to our town office and amend the bc to be added as her father

 

If paternity has been proven then the court should order him to be put on the bC. Without him being on the BC, he is not legally considered her father and is not liable for child support.

 

My xMM was not on the BC for the first 5 years of our daughter's life and once we went to mediation to settle child support and visitation, he was ordered to sign the parental ackwnoledgement and was put on the birth certificate.

 

It's weird that your lawyer would tell you to keep him of the BC because he needs to be identified as her legal father so that he is held financially responsible. You can still have sole physical and legal custody of the child even if he is on the BC.

[Mayday2016]

If paternity has been proven then the court should order him to be put on the bC. Without him being on the BC, he is not legally considered her father and is not liable for child support.

 

My xMM was not on the BC for the first 5 years of our daughter's life and once we went to mediation to settle child support and visitation, he was ordered to sign the parental ackwnoledgement and was put on the birth certificate.

 

It's weird that your lawyer would tell you to keep him of the BC because he needs to be identified as her legal father so that he is held financially responsible. You can still have sole physical and legal custody of the child even if he is on the BC.

 

 

The court orders state He and I are baby's biological parents. He's been court ordered to pay me. A judge signed them, if he doesn't pay me he's breaking the law. Trust me, he's not heading into a town office to put his name on her birth certificate. He's not doing anything else, he's done. He just walked away for 5He last time. We will never hear from him again. , Not even 15 years from now when he's an old man, he won't have regrets. He is soulless.

[Adoraxx]

The court orders state He and I are baby's biological parents. He's been court ordered to pay me. A judge signed them, if he doesn't pay me he's breaking the law. Trust me, he's not heading into a town office to put his name on her birth certificate. He's not doing anything else, he's done. He just walked away for 5He last time. We will never hear from him again. , Not even 15 years from now when he's an old man, he won't have regrets. He is soulless.

 

I'm sorry May that you had to go through this again... I know it hurts a lot and I agree with you that he is a sociopath/ psychopath (whatever the difference is, it doesn't matter). The good thing is that you won't have to deal with this ever again although I'm sure it's very painful to come to the realization that 'this is it' (((((((((((( HUGS ))))))))))))) I hope in time the memories and the hurt will fade, fade, fade!!! It's chilling to encounter someone who is so cold, even to his own flesh and blood, your precious little girl!!! Keep in mind that it is his loss, all of it. Sending you much, much LOVE !!!! xoxo

[noelle303]

The court orders state He and I are baby's biological parents. He's been court ordered to pay me. A judge signed them, if he doesn't pay me he's breaking the law. Trust me, he's not heading into a town office to put his name on her birth certificate. He's not doing anything else, he's done. He just walked away for 5He last time. We will never hear from him again. , Not even 15 years from now when he's an old man, he won't have regrets. He is soulless.

 

Not necessarily. My xMM turned around when she was 5 and is now in our daughter's life regularly. Plus, your daughter may want to seek him out on her own when she's an adult and the reality may hit him hard in terms of what he had done.

 

To be honest, I still find the BC thing weird because if he has to pay child support, he needs to be identified as the legal father. The only way he can be identified as the legal father is if his name is on the BC.

 

I've just went through this process recently so I'm pretty sure of it, plus my own father is an attorney.

[whichwayisup]

I'm glad now you finally have some compassion for his wife and have realized that your EXMM was the one who was screwing you over, not her.

 

Good riddance, focus on your daughter and live life happily, don't look back. He is just going to provide $$ so don't EVER hope for him to be part of his daughters life. Or your life. (He probably wouldn't be a good influence on her anyway!)

[Tayla]

Not necessarily. My xMM turned around when she was 5 and is now in our daughter's life regularly. Plus, your daughter may want to seek him out on her own when she's an adult and the reality may hit him hard in terms of what he had done.

 

To be honest, I still find the BC thing weird because if he has to pay child support, he needs to be identified as the legal father. The only way he can be identified as the legal father is if his name is on the BC.

 

I've just went through this process recently so I'm pretty sure of it, plus my own father is an attorney.

Noelle, while you may convey the human quandary of this ruling. Each state has rules on what makes a legal parent.

And sadly many men are put on bc's to fund the child...only to find out they are not the biological parent. ...biological and legal are two separate items in law. And these men are 18 yrs cutting a check because the courts decide it's better to give ..then be accountable to find the biological person ..granted this man was deemed the bio parent so the OP followed the law which allows for support.

 

The OP chose to have an affair...and chose to rear the child. He is accountable for support. End of the legal portion.

 

Yes this child will be loved ...and beyond that she'll adore her mom...kids have a tendency to learn the adult dynamics later..

Edited September 8, 2016 by Tayla

[noelle303]

Noelle, while you may convey the human quandary of this ruling. Each state has rules on what makes a legal parent.

And sadly many fathers are put on bc's to fund the child...only to find out they are not the biological parent. ...biological and legal are two separate items in law

 

 

But that is exactly my point. Parents who are biological parents, but are not on the BC (therefore, they are not legal parents) do not have any rights nor obligations to the child (for example in adoption situations).

Same goes for the opposite - if someone is not the biological parent, but they are on the BC as a legal parent, they have all the rights and obligations of a parent.

 

I'm not saying that xMM should not be paying child support, I'm saying that I believe that he needs to be on the BC for that to be enforced. It's strange to me that OP's lawyer would suggest to her to keep him of it.

[Lobe]

I'm not saying that xMM should not be paying child support, I'm saying that I believe that he needs to be on the BC for that to be enforced. It's strange to me that OP's lawyer would suggest to her to keep him of it.

 

MayDay, can you clarify? I wonder if the lawyer only meant that the baby should have MayDay's last name and not the AP's, so that she isn't growing up with a last name she has no connection to? If so, I completely agree with the lawyer. I don't think his name needs to be removed from the birth certificate for a legal name change to occur if she has a court order granting her [sole] custody.

Edited September 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Typo

[Tayla]

I understand how you are interpreting this matter. Specific to this OPs goal,the courts have deemed him the legal father. That bc can be blank til the end of time...the courts acknowledged this man's consent of support and in turn that qualifies his parental rights should he later wish to petition for other rights now bestowed him. He is the baby daddy.

 

You seem to think the birth certificate is the only qualifying legal document. It's not. To those men I referenced...who did not even know were named father...they by law could contest it...the problem though is the clock started ticking at time the bc was filed...five years later there wages are garnished and they are miffed....yet the laws say..oops! You had two years to contest...not our fault some lady named you...you snooze you lose....see the difference? One was voluntary consent thru the courts...the other was by default based on a law that grossly disregards an adults rights...

[Mayday2016]

MayDay, can you clarify? I wonder if the lawyer only meant that the baby should have MayDay's last name and not the AP's, so that she isn't growing up with a last name she has no connection to? If so, I completely agree with the lawyer. I don't think his name needs to be removed from the birth certificate for a legal name change to occur if she has a court order granting her [sole] custody.

 

 

His name was never put on the BC. I was alone at the hospital when I delivered so by law, I could not put his name on there. The father section is completely blank. He CAN go to the town office and add his name to the father section since the DNA test proves he is her father but I'm not going to ask him to. My lawyer said don't ask him,to do that. Keep his name off the paper. She wants me to change baby's last name. She thinks xMM is a huge piece of sh#t and that baby shouldn't be burdened with his name. I don't know what I'm going to do, I just don't.

[Lobe]

His name was never put on the BC. I was alone at the hospital when I delivered so by law, I could not put his name on there. The father section is completely blank. He CAN go to the town office and add his name to the father section since the DNA test proves he is her father but I'm not going to ask him to. My lawyer said don't ask him,to do that. Keep his name off the paper. She wants me to change baby's last name. She thinks xMM is a huge piece of sh#t and that baby shouldn't be burdened with his name. I don't know what I'm going to do, I just don't.

 

Do right by your kid and love her enough for both of you. At some point, your daughter will have questions about why her father didn't want her and you will need to explain that he wasn't mature enough to be responsible for the way things turned out and reassure her that no matter what, YOU have always wanted and loved her.

[sandylee1]

So by your lawyer saying to change your DDs last name .. that means you gave her his surname ... is that correct?

 

Noelle.. I think as far as the court is concerned ... DNA tests have proven he's the father and that's sufficient for them to enforce CS payment.

 

I don't see him wanting her name on the certificate and if it's the same as in the UK, only he (along with Mayday present) can add him on the BC.

 

His BW was behind trying to get him to have a relationship with baby. Once BW was no longer in the marriage, he wasn't about to change his mind. Some BW are against contact with the child, but she was trying to forge a relationship and have them all get to know baby.

 

If May hadn't been convinced the BW was a mentally ill unstable woman and a danger to baby, this could have been a very different outcome.

 

I imagine he's actually full of shame and regret for his actions. What started out as a bit of fun on AM for him, has cost him his marriage, a lot of money and turned his life upside down ..... for which he's only got himself to blame. He must feel like a real idiot at the moment.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Sorry this all turned out like it did. Glad it's finally over. It's got to be a relief to be off this roller coaster ride. Hopefully now you can move on and raise your children in peace!

[whichwayisup]

His name was never put on the BC. I was alone at the hospital when I delivered so by law, I could not put his name on there. The father section is completely blank. He CAN go to the town office and add his name to the father section since the DNA test proves he is her father but I'm not going to ask him to. My lawyer said don't ask him,to do that. Keep his name off the paper. She wants me to change baby's last name. She thinks xMM is a huge piece of sh#t and that baby shouldn't be burdened with his name. I don't know what I'm going to do, I just don't.

 

Why would you even consider putting his last name down or using his last name? Really she should have YOUR last name. He wants nothing to do with her or you so it's best to just collect the money he will send you and leave it at that. Give up ANY hope that he'll be involved at all. He isn't.

[Adoraxx]

She is beautiful May :love::love: and yes, give her YOUR last name. She deserves to have the last name of someone who truly knows her and loves her!!! And that's YOU!!!

[waterwoman]

Perfect little girl

[Mayday2016]

No update, I just saw ive officially been here a year.

 

XMM will soon be officially divorced. I haven't talked to him since February despite seeing him in September for court. He hasn't met our daughter who will be a year old 3 days after Christmas. He's paying support automatically, it just comes out of a Northern Trust account. All has been quiet.

 

How am I? That's the question. I'm numb. There are days I think of him from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. There are days he only enters my thoughts once, but every day he's there.

 

I cannot explain the draw of a sociopath. I am intelligent enough but I could never lay out the mechanization of a person like him. Of how they distort reality and bend your core to suit their needs. I cannot explain why he is still so ever present in my life; why there are days I HATE him and days I MISS him.

 

The baby is doing well. She's 10 months old at the end of this month and will be walking so soon. She is beautiful and alert and the best thing that has ever happened to me. But I suffer guilt and pain when I realize as the months go by that he will never be the type of man that steps into her life. Everyone tells me I'll move on and meet someone but the thought of meeting a man is terrifying. I don't trust anyone right now. I'm not sure how long it will be until I do.

 

So. I am not moving on, just taking It day by day. Moving on requires much more strength than I have right now. Thank you LS community for being with me and helping me navigate this past year.

[lemondrop21]

"Moving on" can include moving AWAY from him, but not necessarily towards someone new. That may be where you're at right now. It sounds like you are making great progress since you haven't spoken to him since Feb, and since you can see him for who he really is. I think it's natural for you to grieve the loss of your illusions about him for a good long time, especially since he fathered your child. That longing for him that you sometimes feel is a biological attachment trick that your mind plays on you from time to time, but truly all you are longing for is an illusion.

 

Keep going and it WILL get better! I think you are one of the strongest and bravest posters on this board and I was so glad to see your update.