His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[Mayday2016]

I don't understand this part? Doesn't she already have a birth certificate? Is his name on it? Because you can't remove someone's name from the existing birth certificate unless they are being adopted by another person.

 

And if he isn't on the birth certificate then he basically doesn't have to pay child support because he is not considered the legal father.

 

In my state the father has to be in the room to be on the document, the paternity tests proves he's her dad. He has to go to our town office and amend the bc to be added as her father

[noelle303]

In my state the father has to be in the room to be on the document, the paternity tests proves he's her dad. He has to go to our town office and amend the bc to be added as her father

 

If paternity has been proven then the court should order him to be put on the bC. Without him being on the BC, he is not legally considered her father and is not liable for child support.

 

My xMM was not on the BC for the first 5 years of our daughter's life and once we went to mediation to settle child support and visitation, he was ordered to sign the parental ackwnoledgement and was put on the birth certificate.

 

It's weird that your lawyer would tell you to keep him of the BC because he needs to be identified as her legal father so that he is held financially responsible. You can still have sole physical and legal custody of the child even if he is on the BC.

[Mayday2016]

If paternity has been proven then the court should order him to be put on the bC. Without him being on the BC, he is not legally considered her father and is not liable for child support.

 

My xMM was not on the BC for the first 5 years of our daughter's life and once we went to mediation to settle child support and visitation, he was ordered to sign the parental ackwnoledgement and was put on the birth certificate.

 

It's weird that your lawyer would tell you to keep him of the BC because he needs to be identified as her legal father so that he is held financially responsible. You can still have sole physical and legal custody of the child even if he is on the BC.

 

 

The court orders state He and I are baby's biological parents. He's been court ordered to pay me. A judge signed them, if he doesn't pay me he's breaking the law. Trust me, he's not heading into a town office to put his name on her birth certificate. He's not doing anything else, he's done. He just walked away for 5He last time. We will never hear from him again. , Not even 15 years from now when he's an old man, he won't have regrets. He is soulless.

[Adoraxx]

The court orders state He and I are baby's biological parents. He's been court ordered to pay me. A judge signed them, if he doesn't pay me he's breaking the law. Trust me, he's not heading into a town office to put his name on her birth certificate. He's not doing anything else, he's done. He just walked away for 5He last time. We will never hear from him again. , Not even 15 years from now when he's an old man, he won't have regrets. He is soulless.

 

I'm sorry May that you had to go through this again... I know it hurts a lot and I agree with you that he is a sociopath/ psychopath (whatever the difference is, it doesn't matter). The good thing is that you won't have to deal with this ever again although I'm sure it's very painful to come to the realization that 'this is it' (((((((((((( HUGS ))))))))))))) I hope in time the memories and the hurt will fade, fade, fade!!! It's chilling to encounter someone who is so cold, even to his own flesh and blood, your precious little girl!!! Keep in mind that it is his loss, all of it. Sending you much, much LOVE !!!! xoxo

[noelle303]

The court orders state He and I are baby's biological parents. He's been court ordered to pay me. A judge signed them, if he doesn't pay me he's breaking the law. Trust me, he's not heading into a town office to put his name on her birth certificate. He's not doing anything else, he's done. He just walked away for 5He last time. We will never hear from him again. , Not even 15 years from now when he's an old man, he won't have regrets. He is soulless.

 

Not necessarily. My xMM turned around when she was 5 and is now in our daughter's life regularly. Plus, your daughter may want to seek him out on her own when she's an adult and the reality may hit him hard in terms of what he had done.

 

To be honest, I still find the BC thing weird because if he has to pay child support, he needs to be identified as the legal father. The only way he can be identified as the legal father is if his name is on the BC.

 

I've just went through this process recently so I'm pretty sure of it, plus my own father is an attorney.

[whichwayisup]

I'm glad now you finally have some compassion for his wife and have realized that your EXMM was the one who was screwing you over, not her.

 

Good riddance, focus on your daughter and live life happily, don't look back. He is just going to provide $$ so don't EVER hope for him to be part of his daughters life. Or your life. (He probably wouldn't be a good influence on her anyway!)

[Tayla]

Not necessarily. My xMM turned around when she was 5 and is now in our daughter's life regularly. Plus, your daughter may want to seek him out on her own when she's an adult and the reality may hit him hard in terms of what he had done.

 

To be honest, I still find the BC thing weird because if he has to pay child support, he needs to be identified as the legal father. The only way he can be identified as the legal father is if his name is on the BC.

 

I've just went through this process recently so I'm pretty sure of it, plus my own father is an attorney.

Noelle, while you may convey the human quandary of this ruling. Each state has rules on what makes a legal parent.

And sadly many men are put on bc's to fund the child...only to find out they are not the biological parent. ...biological and legal are two separate items in law. And these men are 18 yrs cutting a check because the courts decide it's better to give ..then be accountable to find the biological person ..granted this man was deemed the bio parent so the OP followed the law which allows for support.

 

The OP chose to have an affair...and chose to rear the child. He is accountable for support. End of the legal portion.

 

Yes this child will be loved ...and beyond that she'll adore her mom...kids have a tendency to learn the adult dynamics later..

Edited September 8, 2016 by Tayla

[noelle303]

Noelle, while you may convey the human quandary of this ruling. Each state has rules on what makes a legal parent.

And sadly many fathers are put on bc's to fund the child...only to find out they are not the biological parent. ...biological and legal are two separate items in law

 

 

But that is exactly my point. Parents who are biological parents, but are not on the BC (therefore, they are not legal parents) do not have any rights nor obligations to the child (for example in adoption situations).

Same goes for the opposite - if someone is not the biological parent, but they are on the BC as a legal parent, they have all the rights and obligations of a parent.

 

I'm not saying that xMM should not be paying child support, I'm saying that I believe that he needs to be on the BC for that to be enforced. It's strange to me that OP's lawyer would suggest to her to keep him of it.

[Lobe]

I'm not saying that xMM should not be paying child support, I'm saying that I believe that he needs to be on the BC for that to be enforced. It's strange to me that OP's lawyer would suggest to her to keep him of it.

 

MayDay, can you clarify? I wonder if the lawyer only meant that the baby should have MayDay's last name and not the AP's, so that she isn't growing up with a last name she has no connection to? If so, I completely agree with the lawyer. I don't think his name needs to be removed from the birth certificate for a legal name change to occur if she has a court order granting her [sole] custody.

Edited September 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Typo

[Tayla]

I understand how you are interpreting this matter. Specific to this OPs goal,the courts have deemed him the legal father. That bc can be blank til the end of time...the courts acknowledged this man's consent of support and in turn that qualifies his parental rights should he later wish to petition for other rights now bestowed him. He is the baby daddy.

 

You seem to think the birth certificate is the only qualifying legal document. It's not. To those men I referenced...who did not even know were named father...they by law could contest it...the problem though is the clock started ticking at time the bc was filed...five years later there wages are garnished and they are miffed....yet the laws say..oops! You had two years to contest...not our fault some lady named you...you snooze you lose....see the difference? One was voluntary consent thru the courts...the other was by default based on a law that grossly disregards an adults rights...

[Mayday2016]

MayDay, can you clarify? I wonder if the lawyer only meant that the baby should have MayDay's last name and not the AP's, so that she isn't growing up with a last name she has no connection to? If so, I completely agree with the lawyer. I don't think his name needs to be removed from the birth certificate for a legal name change to occur if she has a court order granting her [sole] custody.

 

 

His name was never put on the BC. I was alone at the hospital when I delivered so by law, I could not put his name on there. The father section is completely blank. He CAN go to the town office and add his name to the father section since the DNA test proves he is her father but I'm not going to ask him to. My lawyer said don't ask him,to do that. Keep his name off the paper. She wants me to change baby's last name. She thinks xMM is a huge piece of sh#t and that baby shouldn't be burdened with his name. I don't know what I'm going to do, I just don't.

[Lobe]

His name was never put on the BC. I was alone at the hospital when I delivered so by law, I could not put his name on there. The father section is completely blank. He CAN go to the town office and add his name to the father section since the DNA test proves he is her father but I'm not going to ask him to. My lawyer said don't ask him,to do that. Keep his name off the paper. She wants me to change baby's last name. She thinks xMM is a huge piece of sh#t and that baby shouldn't be burdened with his name. I don't know what I'm going to do, I just don't.

 

Do right by your kid and love her enough for both of you. At some point, your daughter will have questions about why her father didn't want her and you will need to explain that he wasn't mature enough to be responsible for the way things turned out and reassure her that no matter what, YOU have always wanted and loved her.

[sandylee1]

So by your lawyer saying to change your DDs last name .. that means you gave her his surname ... is that correct?

 

Noelle.. I think as far as the court is concerned ... DNA tests have proven he's the father and that's sufficient for them to enforce CS payment.

 

I don't see him wanting her name on the certificate and if it's the same as in the UK, only he (along with Mayday present) can add him on the BC.

 

His BW was behind trying to get him to have a relationship with baby. Once BW was no longer in the marriage, he wasn't about to change his mind. Some BW are against contact with the child, but she was trying to forge a relationship and have them all get to know baby.

 

If May hadn't been convinced the BW was a mentally ill unstable woman and a danger to baby, this could have been a very different outcome.

 

I imagine he's actually full of shame and regret for his actions. What started out as a bit of fun on AM for him, has cost him his marriage, a lot of money and turned his life upside down ..... for which he's only got himself to blame. He must feel like a real idiot at the moment.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Sorry this all turned out like it did. Glad it's finally over. It's got to be a relief to be off this roller coaster ride. Hopefully now you can move on and raise your children in peace!

[whichwayisup]

His name was never put on the BC. I was alone at the hospital when I delivered so by law, I could not put his name on there. The father section is completely blank. He CAN go to the town office and add his name to the father section since the DNA test proves he is her father but I'm not going to ask him to. My lawyer said don't ask him,to do that. Keep his name off the paper. She wants me to change baby's last name. She thinks xMM is a huge piece of sh#t and that baby shouldn't be burdened with his name. I don't know what I'm going to do, I just don't.

 

Why would you even consider putting his last name down or using his last name? Really she should have YOUR last name. He wants nothing to do with her or you so it's best to just collect the money he will send you and leave it at that. Give up ANY hope that he'll be involved at all. He isn't.

[Adoraxx]

She is beautiful May :love::love: and yes, give her YOUR last name. She deserves to have the last name of someone who truly knows her and loves her!!! And that's YOU!!!

[waterwoman]

Perfect little girl

[Mayday2016]

No update, I just saw ive officially been here a year.

 

XMM will soon be officially divorced. I haven't talked to him since February despite seeing him in September for court. He hasn't met our daughter who will be a year old 3 days after Christmas. He's paying support automatically, it just comes out of a Northern Trust account. All has been quiet.

 

How am I? That's the question. I'm numb. There are days I think of him from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. There are days he only enters my thoughts once, but every day he's there.

 

I cannot explain the draw of a sociopath. I am intelligent enough but I could never lay out the mechanization of a person like him. Of how they distort reality and bend your core to suit their needs. I cannot explain why he is still so ever present in my life; why there are days I HATE him and days I MISS him.

 

The baby is doing well. She's 10 months old at the end of this month and will be walking so soon. She is beautiful and alert and the best thing that has ever happened to me. But I suffer guilt and pain when I realize as the months go by that he will never be the type of man that steps into her life. Everyone tells me I'll move on and meet someone but the thought of meeting a man is terrifying. I don't trust anyone right now. I'm not sure how long it will be until I do.

 

So. I am not moving on, just taking It day by day. Moving on requires much more strength than I have right now. Thank you LS community for being with me and helping me navigate this past year.

[lemondrop21]

"Moving on" can include moving AWAY from him, but not necessarily towards someone new. That may be where you're at right now. It sounds like you are making great progress since you haven't spoken to him since Feb, and since you can see him for who he really is. I think it's natural for you to grieve the loss of your illusions about him for a good long time, especially since he fathered your child. That longing for him that you sometimes feel is a biological attachment trick that your mind plays on you from time to time, but truly all you are longing for is an illusion.

 

Keep going and it WILL get better! I think you are one of the strongest and bravest posters on this board and I was so glad to see your update.

[Adoraxx]

Hi May, it's so nice to see your update! I was thinking about you yesterday (I logged in before you wrote) . I really hope that he will be nothing but a distant memory one day (hopefully soon)

 

I cannot explain the draw of a sociopath. I am intelligent enough but I could never lay out the mechanization of a person like him. Of how they distort reality and bend your core to suit their needs.

 

Sooo true, May. They're dangerous and you worded it so well with 'how they distort reality and bend your core to suit your needs'. I needed to read that today.

 

Your little one sounds like a little cutie!!!! <3 <3

 

big hugs!!!

[LivingWaterPlease]

So glad to read your update, Mayday2016. Especially your delight in sweet baby girl! I'm rarely on LS anymore but think of you when I do check in. Keep posting, if you like. Would be great to learn how your experience progresses!

[MidnightBlue1980]

I also think of you. I hope you and your baby are okay. xMM was also a sociopath, so I understand and empathize that you had to deal with one as well. I hope you can move on and meet someone new in 2017 and forget him.

[Mayday2016]

Baby is doing so well. One year old on the 28th. I'm currently in the hospital just had surgery.

 

Xmm contacted me thru email asking for her doctors name and baby's social. That was it. I'm over him. I really do think I am. It hurts sometimes but I am so in love with baby he is nothing to me now.

 

Going to get some sleep now.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Baby is doing so well. One year old on the 28th. I'm currently in the hospital just had surgery.

 

Xmm contacted me thru email asking for her doctors name and baby's social. That was it. I'm over him. I really do think I am. It hurts sometimes but I am so in love with baby he is nothing to me now.

 

Going to get some sleep now.

 

I would not give him squat. He signed away his rights, didn't he? Tell him to contact your lawyer.

 

Just wait. Babies (for me) were the hard part. It gets really good once they can walk and talk.

[Mayday2016]

I would not give him squat. He signed away his rights, didn't he? Tell him to contact your lawyer.

 

Just wait. Babies (for me) were the hard part. It gets really good once they can walk and talk.

 

 

No. He didn't. He just opted for zero visitation and contact.

 

She's stepping!!! Has been for 3 weeks. And the last 2 months has said more than mama.. She says BA which means breast milk.