His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[Mayday2016]

Is he (MM) providing child support now?

 

Sorry if I missed it.

 

 

Not a dime. Not even a pack of diapers. MM is gone, he's done with me. I haven't heard from him since 2/25 when he just sent one text asking if the papers were coming.

[whatatangledweb]

I have never heard of someone getting lawyer fees in a paternity case. In child support, yes, once paternity is proven and he is not following court orders or in a modification. I also don't think you can get back payments from when she was born. In most cases it starts when the judge orders it.

[RRM321]

The behavior of MM weighs against him in a court hearing. It's essentially abandonment. His behavior is tempered but not mitigated by the manner of how you met. A viable pregnancy and birth isn't something he can legally walk away from once paternity is established.

[georgia girl]

The behavior of MM weighs against him in a court hearing. It's essentially abandonment. His behavior is tempered but not mitigated by the manner of how you met. A viable pregnancy and birth isn't something he can legally walk away from once paternity is established.

 

That is not necessarily true. In this case, for example, the father could state simply that he did not believe he was the father and that's why he did not attempt to establish a relationship. Now that he is aware that he is the father, he wants a relationship. The court would have no reason to have prejudice against him.

 

Further, while it seems contradictory, a judge looks at the situation in the best interest of the child and the inalienable rights of each parent to his or her natural child. On one hand, you have the child's primary caregiver who has clearly established a loving relationship with the child and has created a stable and loving home life (Mayday), but you have another set of parents who may argue that they can do the same thing. The judge again would have no cause for prejudice and would likely look at an arrangement of shared custody as both sets of parents have done nothing egregious in the eyes of the court that would limit custody.

 

I know its easy to think with your heart in these situations and see that Mayday's MM abandoned her and is basically an appalling individual, but very little of that is even admissible in these proceedings. Mayday's best course of action is to rely on her attorney. The court is on her side when it comes to the award of support because it will be a formula and her child will be the second child of MM's to earn support, so she will get an award. She may have more of an issue with custody, but that's where her attorney comes in and hopefully negotiates something with MM's attorney that is acceptable to the court.

 

Mayday, stay strong, sweetie. You're a good momma. Love all of your babies, rely on your attorney and your family!

[Ms. Faust]

Before anything, as we told the OP way back when she was pregnant: establish paternity, establish CS, and then custody/visitation can be visited.

 

Let's keep in mind first and foremost that May wants the daughter to have a relationship with her father. She was absolutely adamant from the beginning that she have a relationship with her father. And now May is looking at a real possibility of her wish coming true. I don't think it's quite coming to light the way she imagined, but at least the daughter will know her father, which is what the OP had hoped for.

Edited March 5, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[Mayday2016]

Before anything, as we told the OP way back when she was pregnant: establish paternity, establish CS, and then custody/visitation can be visited.

 

Let's keep in mind first and foremost that May wants the daughter to have a relationship with her father. She was absolutely adamant from the beginning that she have a relationship with her father. And now May is looking at a real possibility of her wish coming true. I don't think it's quite coming to light the way she imagined, but at least the daughter will know her father, which is what the OP had hoped for.

 

You're absolutely right. I definitely wanted her to know him but I did not see the events happening as they have. I was disillusioned, I was so in the thick of being 'in love' that all rational thought went *woosh* right out the window. I never saw his wife saying- "Hey! I'm staying with my husband and we want a relationship with his love child."

 

I will be completely honest. I never saw him and I together in a 'real' sort of way. I never saw us in a legitimate relationship but I had envisioned maybe there was good inside of him that would encourage him to step up, spend time with the baby whilst he was still seeing me on the side. It wasn't realistic, it was crazy thinking but it helped me cope with the things I had to face alone. I needed hope. I needed to have some hope about my future as a means to get through those months. Imagine being pregnant. And when you're pregnant you're ALL ALONE. No one goes with you to prenatal appointments, ultrasounds, no one listens to the heartbeat. You face every challenge alone, you even deliver your baby alone. Imagine you believe you're facing these things because he 'can't' step up because of his wife. So you justify his actions because of the fact he's married. I honestly see now that it wasn't because he couldn't, it was because he didn't want to. NOW that he can have an open and honest relationship with the baby, he hasn't contacted me. Hasn't offered money, hasn't asked to see her. Perhaps it's because I directed his wife to go through my attorney. Perhaps it's because she's making it so he can't talk to me. I don't know. Maybe it's better for me not to have contact with him. It just feels very strange. I'm sad, absolutely. But every day I cry a little less and I'm able to see more than I could when it was all so foggy.

 

Not talking to him feels weird. It doesn't hurt as much as it used to a couple weeks ago but it feels like there is this lack of something. Life feels dull. There's less shine to it all. I miss him but not in the 'throwing myself on the floor, collapsing into the folds of my dress' type of missing. I can't explain it right now. Today just feels weird.

[georgia girl]

Mayday,

 

As difficult as this is, this is a vitally important thing for you to acknowledge. I can imagine that as you went through pregnancy and delivery all by yourself, that the only thing that keeps you going is thinking of the three of you in some way together. However, it is important to realize going forward that the path forward will include all of you - his wife and other daughter as well as you and your children.

 

I think that giving up the fantasy positions you well to begin healing and getting over him and to also be the best advocate for your little girl. It is going to hurt a lot through the next several months but I am confident that you are strong enough to weather all of those painful firsts and still keep your daughter at the center. She will know her father - likely not the way you wanted - but you will also have access to vital health information you may need in the future.'and your daughter will know all of her siblings, which will be so important to her throughout her life. She will also not be anyone's secret and for that, I know you will be grateful.

 

Keep posting. You need support - especially in those panicky times. Best of luck, GG

[beautifulinside2]

I was with a guy like him a few years ago, so I can relate to the feelings of being love bombed and disillusioned. I compare it to drug addiction. However, after several counseling sessions and an encounter with one of the other women he cheated on me with it forced me to see my self worth especially because my teenage daughter was with me to witness the interaction. I couldn't go back because it would set a bad example for her. I suggest you do the same. I thought he would run after me if I didn't contact him for weeks and he didn't. He contacted me a year later as if nothing ever happened. Psychopaths, narcissists or sociopaths don't have the same kinds of feelings or emotions as normal people and they make the worse parents.

Time to cut your losses

Edited March 7, 2016 by beautifulinside2

[Mayday2016]

I'm having a really hard day. I realized that on Thursday it will be one month since I saw xMM, since he was physically in my presence. I haven't had any contact since he asked about the papers two weeks ago and it was just one text.

 

I was very stupid and went over old emails this morning, before we discovered the pregnancy and when he still acted like he cared for me. I have no idea why I did that but I've been crying all morning.

 

I'm frustrated. I signed and dated the child support papers 1/21 and here it is 3/8 and nothing has happened yet. Baby is 10 weeks old now and when I checked my bank account I have $110 to last me a week. That's for groceries and gas and diapers. I haven't been able to pay any bills for the last month so I have that stress weighing on my mind too.

 

I miss xMM today. I had to run out to the post office and passed his truck parked at the church where he said he was going to AA. Everything has snowballed since then. It's been one month. How does he not miss us? He said he wants to be involved with baby, well his wife did, but why has nothing happened? Why haven't I heard from my lawyer? Why haven't I received any money? Why do I feel so epically ALONE in this?

[ChickiePops]

I'm having a really hard day. I realized that on Thursday it will be one month since I saw xMM, since he was physically in my presence. I haven't had any contact since he asked about the papers two weeks ago and it was just one text.

 

I was very stupid and went over old emails this morning, before we discovered the pregnancy and when he still acted like he cared for me. I have no idea why I did that but I've been crying all morning.

 

I'm frustrated. I signed and dated the child support papers 1/21 and here it is 3/8 and nothing has happened yet. Baby is 10 weeks old now and when I checked my bank account I have $110 to last me a week. That's for groceries and gas and diapers. I haven't been able to pay any bills for the last month so I have that stress weighing on my mind too.

 

I miss xMM today. I had to run out to the post office and passed his truck parked at the church where he said he was going to AA. Everything has snowballed since then. It's been one month. How does he not miss us? He said he wants to be involved with baby, well his wife did, but why has nothing happened? Why haven't I heard from my lawyer? Why haven't I received any money? Why do I feel so epically ALONE in this?

 

Have you asked your lawyer?

 

You're crying because you're in a really rough situation. You have every right to cry and I'm sorry you're having a bad day. take care of yourself.

[Sub]

Mayday, what are your prospects for other sources of income? You had mentioned a "hobby" that could bring in money in a previous thread. Is that a viable option? My point: as difficult as it is, don't just WAIT for things to happen for you. Don't rely solely on CS from your XH or the MM to make your life and the lives of your kids better. Wallowing won't get you anywhere.

[Mayday2016]

Mayday, what are your prospects for other sources of income? You had mentioned a "hobby" that could bring in money in a previous thread. Is that a viable option? My point: as difficult as it is, don't just WAIT for things to happen for you. Don't rely solely on CS from your XH or the MM to make your life and the lives of your kids better. Wallowing won't get you anywhere.

 

 

I can't pursue it right now. I have no one to care for the children and the money I receive is not enough to pay for a daycare or a sitter. It's kind of a catch 22 right now. Child care is very expensive here, one of the 'decent' centers wanted $500/month for just my son. I'm starting to pursue other resources because I can't keep living like this but I'm hitting walls. I never expected to ever be divorced and my xH had me assuming I'd be a Sahm for the rest of my life so he never allowed me to have a backup. I'm starting over with just a high school diploma and no work experience, it's really ****ing scary.

[Mayday2016]

Have you asked your lawyer?

 

You're crying because you're in a really rough situation. You have every right to cry and I'm sorry you're having a bad day. take care of yourself.

 

Every time I call with a question or concernI get charged. I haven't been able to pay any of the bills so far and in the end, I'm not sure if it will be me paying so it's kind of sit and wait right now which isn't working.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

You're 10 weeks postpartum and under tremendous stress. I think that since you don't have a way out your mind is seeking relief by conjuring up thoughts of xMM. He's not the answer to your problems. Actually he's the cause of a lot of them. Try and consciously keep redirecting your brain back to reality WITHOUT allowing it to ruminate. Take the kids for a walk to clear your head if possible.

 

Could you possibly get in with your obstetrician, you could have issues with some postpartum depression on top of everything thing else. If he prescribes something then ASK for help. They often have samples or free coupons.

 

Are you getting all the government and community assistance you can. Many large churches have a "social services " ministry where they can help with some groceries, diapers and sometimes bills, or counseling to help people get on their feet. They also may be aware of other community resources in your area. Start googling the largest churches in your area for how to apply and what days they offer which services. Look for St Stephen Ministry specifically.Taking some baby steps toward helping yourself will feel very good and improve your mood.

 

Hang in there and know that this won't last forever. You do have to work your way out of it though.

Edited March 8, 2016 by IfWishesWereHorses

[sandylee1]

Every time I call with a question or concernI get charged. I haven't been able to pay any of the bills so far and in the end, I'm not sure if it will be me paying so it's kind of sit and wait right now which isn't working.

 

I think had you been able to meet with his wife and tell her your financial situation..... they could have started helping out but you directed her to your attorney and these legal things take time. I don't think she'd like the idea of you struggling with 3 children and one being her husband.

 

As much as it's a priority for you..it isn't for your lawyer. Can you at least try and get a response from the lawyer on what the next steps are and how long it's going to take.

 

Their lawyer will be advising on a paternity test first...before a penny is released.

 

You said why doesn't he miss you and the baby? He never acknowledged her ....so he's not going to miss her. He hasnt formed a bond with her... not yet anyway.

[Joie]

I have been following your thread. I am BS so I do relate more to the W however, I wanted to offer you some advice.

 

Have you thought about reaching out to the W. I know that you expressed fears about that but most of them sounded pretty irrational. She probably does hate you but that doesn't mean she can't be calm and figure this situation out.

 

She contacted you and your response was to go through the lawyers. That is what they are doing. When you go through lawyers things take time. It doesn't even sound like the time frame for them to file an answer has passed. Lawyers are not magicians. They can not wave a wand and make things happen. If you have two lawyers involved things take twice as long. Please rely on your lawyer but also be your own advocate.

 

Perhaps if you spoke with the W you could determine what they want. I am guessing they want paternity results and to find out how much CS you are seeking. They probably want to meet the baby. If you allow them to be part of the child's life they probably would be willing to start helping support the baby sooner rather than later.

 

Right now all they know is that your have filed CS papers and when they tried to reach out to you they were told to go through the lawyers. Which it sounds like they are doing.

 

Best of luck.

Edited March 8, 2016 by Joie

[RRM321]

I think it would be good to listen to the wife (as opposed to talking to the wife.) It's not clear what her position or intention is, and knowing this this would either alleviate much of the fear, or at least show that concern is warranted.

 

The problem is doing this safely. They cannot meet alone or with the husband/father. It's just too volatile. Is there a women's crisis center or shelter in the area that could moderate such a meeting between these women?

 

I don't think the lawyers can do this effectively. Their approach is merely transactional.

Edited March 8, 2016 by RRM321

[LivingWaterPlease]

Mayday2016, I understand almost exactly what you're going through because I've been there myself. The difference was the man I loved and missed was my H who left and would give me no money to live on. I, too, had to wait for the court system to kick in for child support.

 

My children and I ate canned beans and drank water. One day I bought potato chips and soft drinks and it was like a party for us! I learned to live at poverty level.

 

Here is what helped me. Please don't discount it because it's your ticket out of this and also your ticket to live above your desire for exMM.

 

I had gone to church all my life, off and on, but never really knew the power of God. I had no one to bail me out of a tough situation so I decided I would turn to the God of the Bible and get to know Him.

 

This is the way my life was turned around from being hopeless to full of hope; from being destitute to having an incredibly rewarding and unusual career that provided for my family and me. Understand it took time for God to work this out, it wasn't overnight, but He did begin to work miracles for me very soon. There were just many steps to get me out of the quagmire that I was in.

 

There is great encouragement in the Bible. The Psalms, Isaiah chapters 39-50 for starters will help you tremendously. Read God's Word and pray over it. It will change you and change your life.

 

There is One who is far more desirable than exMM or any man and that person is Jesus Christ. It is because of His blood shed on Calvary for the sins of all of us that we can call on Him for help when we have messed up and need a way out. Even if we haven't messed up but still need help we can expect it from Him, the One who loves us exceedingly and will never leave us.

 

Go to Psalm 107 today and read it. The words are written for you. I clung to verses like these and held them before God as I prayed He would make them true for me. He lifted my spirits and gave me hope. To this day, people who know my story are in awe of the God who delivers. I was nobody but a little frightened single mom with no money. Because of God's mercy and grace, I am no longer that and am well respected, in fact, by God's grace, at the top of my field.

 

Through a series of miracles I was brought out of poverty and sorrow into a life of joy and victory.

 

The same can be true for anyone who will make Jesus Christ their best friend and follow His ways. He particularly loves to take the weak and those who seem to have no hope of a better life, and bless them, contingent only on staying in His Word and prayer daily relying totally on Him.

 

Listen to these verses, they are awesome! What you need to know is that to get to where you want to be you need the help of God. Yes, He will use others and work through them to bless you, but you need Him to inspire you and others to take the steps needed to get on the pathway He has for you. OK, I took these verses, along with many others, to heart,

 

"I sought the Lord and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears......this poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him and rescues them. PS 34:4-7 "The righteous cry and the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." verses 17,18.

 

There are many verses and promises for you, Mayday2016, in the Bible that will bring you hope, too many to post here. But you can find them yourself.

 

I am praying for you. There is great hope for you and with God by your side you are not alone, ever.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Also, do not talk to the wife or to exMM. For one thing you have told your attorney she has called you and come to your house and watched you for five minutes. To then contact her after she has done this, no matter her intent, is not wise.

 

Continue to stay NC with BW and exMM. After things are settled and time has passed and/if you're ready you can talk with them at a way later point down the road.

 

Do not look to the right or to the left, but stay your course with your attorney and with God as your Help. You will not fail this way. I doubt seriously you are considering contacting BW but just want to support you in your decision not to do so.

[sandylee1]

I think it would be good to listen to the wife (as opposed to talking to the wife.) It's not clear what her position or intention is, and knowing this this would either alleviate much of the fear, or at least show that concern is warranted.

 

The problem is doing this safely. They cannot meet alone or with the husband/father. It's just too volatile. Is there a women's crisis center or shelter in the area that could moderate such a meeting between these women?

 

I don't think the lawyers can do this effectively. Their approach is merely transactional.

 

That ship has sailed. His wife reached out and she declined. Now it's a waiting game with the lawyers.

[MJJean]

If you're really financially strapped, you might try reaching out to the wife. Tell her you were afraid for you and the baby and that is why you asked to go through lawyers. Then tell her you are destitute. Explain that you are having a very difficult time and that you cannot wait until the DNA test is complete, you get a court date, and the support is begun. She may be very sympathetic and help. If they aren't comfortable with giving money without a DNA test, perhaps they'd be willing to pay a utility directly or buy groceries/household necessities.

 

BTW, I know the wife watching you was creepy for you, but likely she was either curious or her H disappeared and she was watching your house to see if that's where he went. Either way, she didn't approach you or threaten you. And, after seeing you and the kids from afar, she might be willing to help you.

[whatatangledweb]

I would say most likely that their lawyer said to not contact you again and to wait for the courts to handle it. The DNA test will have to be done then CS. You may end up going to court for that especially if you believe a judge will make him pay your lawyer fees. That could take months. You have to find a different way to make ends meet until then. Unfortunately you can't wait it out if you can no longer pay bills.

[Sub]

At this point, I don't think reaching out to the W will help you. At least not long-term. And given that you've gone to your lawyer with the story of her supposedly hanging around your house, it would probably not make his job easier. Though he doesn't sound like he's doing the best job anyway.

 

What about your parents or sister? You've said you've stayed with your parents before. How much can you lean on them? Can you look for a part-time job near their house while they're home?

[Mayday2016]

I sucked it up and called my lawyer. He said absolutely dO NOT contact either of them. That he'll call their lawyer this week and see what she says. He filed our papers with the court already. He said he printed off the text screenshots I sent him to put in my file and he noted the date and time she shadowed me. He told me what I need to do is print off every email or screenshot every text where xMM said she's crazy or has mental issues and to make a folder for that. Then I need to make a folder full of him saying he wants nothing to do with the baby, that he won't give me money, that he refuses to be a father, etc.

 

I'm not sure what lawyer plans on doing with any of that but it'll keep me busy the next few days. There are probably 1,000 emails between us to go through.

[Joie]

I sucked it up and called my lawyer. He said absolutely dO NOT contact either of them. That he'll call their lawyer this week and see what she says. He filed our papers with the court already. He said he printed off the text screenshots I sent him to put in my file and he noted the date and time she shadowed me. He told me what I need to do is print off every email or screenshot every text where xMM said she's crazy or has mental issues and to make a folder for that. Then I need to make a folder full of him saying he wants nothing to do with the baby, that he won't give me money, that he refuses to be a father, etc.

 

I'm not sure what lawyer plans on doing with any of that but it'll keep me busy the next few days. There are probably 1,000 emails between us to go through.

 

Then you should follow the advice of your lawyer.

 

But sympathy wise you can't have it both ways. You can't expect them to give you money while you are waiting for the lawyers. It sounds like you have made the decision that is best for you and they in return will wait for their lawyer to tell them what is best for them.