His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[Ms. Faust]

EdibleWoman, they have not established paternity yet.

Edited March 11, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[Joie]

EdibleWoman, they have not established paternity yet.

 

Also I believe that she is still legally married to someone else. It does sound like her legal husband has signed an affidavit stating he is not the father I can't imagine that she is going to get support with out paternity being established.

 

Hopefully that will happen sooner rather than later.

[Mayday2016]

Also I believe that she is still legally married to someone else. It does sound like her legal husband has signed an affidavit stating he is not the father I can't imagine that she is going to get support with out paternity being established.

 

Hopefully that will happen sooner rather than later.

 

He has. Before I had the baby we had a mediation and there was a paper saying that my stbx husband is not the father of my child born in 2015. I don't think xMM will dispute paternity at all or request a DNA test. My daughter looks exactly like his other daughter when she was this age. I will be surprised if he requests a test but I'm ok with it. She's his.

[sandylee1]

He has. Before I had the baby we had a mediation and there was a paper saying that my stbx husband is not the father of my child born in 2015. I don't think xMM will dispute paternity at all or request a DNA test. My daughter looks exactly like his other daughter when she was this age. I will be surprised if he requests a test but I'm ok with it. She's his.

 

I'm sure he knows she's his...but his lawyer will still state that a paternity test is required.

[Ms. Faust]

I'm sure he knows she's his...but his lawyer will still state that a paternity test is required.

 

Yeah, his lawyer should pretty much tell him to get a paternity test. It is standard in this scenario.

[wmacbride]

OP,

 

Why all the drama? it's not good for your daughter or yourself. It sounds like you were all for him being your daughter's life if that meats that you and him would get to be together, and now because that situation isn't going to happen, he is no longer welcome in your child's life.

 

I expect a lot of that is exhaustion, both mental and physical talking, but this is not something you get to dictate. As it stands right now, the courts do. That may sound daunting, but if you put the best interests of your daughter at the forefront, then it will be much easier.

 

Right now, you are still filtering everything through the lens of "the evil bs who kept him from me", and no offense, that is fueling paranoia. That;s really bad for you and just adds to your problems.

 

Something about the way your lawyer is acting also sounds fishy. There are simple ways of getting a child support order put into place, and the process can e very straight forward. There is no indication that the baby's father is fighting you on this, but more that he is following legal advice and process.

 

Is there any way that you can seek a second legal opinion, free of cost? Are there any free family legal clinics or something similar in your area where you can go to get further advice on expediting the process?

 

Secondly, I would highly suggest you get some counseling for yourself. Again, I mean no offense , but you keep hinting that you are young, but that doesn't add up. You say you were married 10 years, have been separated for two, and already have two kids. Not sure what age you were when you got married, but for the sake of argument, let's assume it was 18. that would put you at 30, an that's not young. If you still see yourself this way, then I would suggest therapy to help figure yourself out, especially after you've had such a rough time with your ex-husband.

 

You've got a lot on your plate, and you owe it to yourself and your kids to get yourself centered. Forget about all the "love fluff"' with ex-mm ( which, tbh, sounds more like you were clinging to him after a really bad marriage and seeing more than was really there), get the legal aspects sorted out for your children and child support, and move forward.

 

 

That's the best way to use your time and energy, not this paranoia.

[EdibleWoman]

EdibleWoman, they have not established paternity yet.

 

I understand that. The paternity test could be expedited as part of the request for emergency relief.

[whichwayisup]

May, any update? Has your lawyer contacted their lawyer or vice versa?

 

Hope you've been keeping busy and not letting the stress get to you too much.

[Mayday2016]

So my lawyer emailed me today. He said he hasn't heard anything from xMM's lawyer. It's been 2 weeks. He told me I need to email xMM and tell him that their lawyer needs to respond or he's serving him by sheriff.

 

Tried to iMessage xMM and they're not being delivered. I assume I'm blocked. Tried to email him, came back undeliverable. So xMM has made it so he can't hear from me. I have to say, it hurts. I'm not just the OW, I have a child because of him and he's taken away my ability to contact him. Baby is 3 months on Monday, too. Not sure what to do here. I'm about ready to say **** it and just let lawyer serve him and embarrass him at the college because of this. Is that petty? Baby is 3 months old and he hasn't contacted me and now I can't contact him. I didn't really want to email him but lawyer says if we can do things on our own that we don't really need lawyers for, I'll save money.

 

/sigh

[Sassy Girl]

You told them you didn't want to talk to them and that you were going to do it thought lawyers... So that's what they are expecting.

 

Blocking the OW in all ways is common practice for married people who've had a d-day and are reconciling.

 

Again- you're reading too much into it. You made the call to go through lawyers. So that's what you're going to have to do.

[Mayday2016]

You told them you didn't want to talk to them and that you were going to do it thought lawyers... So that's what they are expecting.

 

Blocking the OW in all ways is common practice for married people who've had a d-day and are reconciling.

 

Again- you're reading too much into it. You made the call to go through lawyers. So that's what you're going to have to do.

 

 

 

Yes but their lawyer is refusing contact. They said they were going to have her reach out to mine ASAP. She has not only not initiated she hasn't responded.

[ChickiePops]

Why wouldn't you just let them serve him? Who cares if he's embarrassed? You don't owe him anything at this point, but he owes your daughter something so get it for her!

[S2B]

So my lawyer emailed me today. He said he hasn't heard anything from xMM's lawyer. It's been 2 weeks. He told me I need to email xMM and tell him that their lawyer needs to respond or he's serving him by sheriff.

 

Tried to iMessage xMM and they're not being delivered. I assume I'm blocked. Tried to email him, came back undeliverable. So xMM has made it so he can't hear from me. I have to say, it hurts. I'm not just the OW, I have a child because of him and he's taken away my ability to contact him. Baby is 3 months on Monday, too. Not sure what to do here. I'm about ready to say **** it and just let lawyer serve him and embarrass him at the college because of this. Is that petty? Baby is 3 months old and he hasn't contacted me and now I can't contact him. I didn't really want to email him but lawyer says if we can do things on our own that we don't really need lawyers for, I'll save money.

 

/sigh

 

 

Then have the sherriff serve him! No need to try and "save him" his embarrassment - that's on him.

 

Stop worrying about his feelings - he's not worrying about your feelings.

 

Just get him served.

[stillafool]

More than likely they are expecting to get served because you said only communicate through the lawyers. So serve.

[LivingWaterPlease]

just let lawyer serve him and embarrass him at the college because of this. Is that petty? Baby is 3 months old and he hasn't contacted me and now I can't contact him. I didn't really want to email him but lawyer says if we can do things on our own that we don't really need lawyers for, I'll save money.

 

/sigh

 

This is a legal matter and it isn't petty to handle it properly. Have him served. You have no choice since he wouldn't step up to the plate when you found you were pregnant, during and after your delivery.

 

This is what you need to do for your baby daughter. It's emotionally difficult, of course, but set your emotions aside as you take legal steps and go to bat for your daughter.

 

You also need people you can process your emotions about this with. I encourage you to find someone, a counselor or several friends (too much of a burden for one friend only) who will talk you through this. Choose wisely.

 

Don't beat yourself up about the way this is playing out as far as your R and lack of contact with exMM. Once he found out you were pregnant there was no working with him no matter how you would have handled it.

 

Judging from his comments about his W and her behavior after she found out (liking your FB photos, calling you, shadowing you) she'd have been very difficult to work with, too. Besides, it is not her baby. It's her husband's and your baby. The responsibility to deal with this is his, as your daughter's father, not the BW's. So, DO NOT second guess yourself about keeping NC with them.

 

I have been involved in many lawsuits of different natures. It's unusual for the parties to be in contact.

[whichwayisup]

So my lawyer emailed me today. He said he hasn't heard anything from xMM's lawyer. It's been 2 weeks. He told me I need to email xMM and tell him that their lawyer needs to respond or he's serving him by sheriff.

 

Tried to iMessage xMM and they're not being delivered. I assume I'm blocked. Tried to email him, came back undeliverable. So xMM has made it so he can't hear from me. I have to say, it hurts. I'm not just the OW, I have a child because of him and he's taken away my ability to contact him. Baby is 3 months on Monday, too. Not sure what to do here. I'm about ready to say **** it and just let lawyer serve him and embarrass him at the college because of this. Is that petty? Baby is 3 months old and he hasn't contacted me and now I can't contact him. I didn't really want to email him but lawyer says if we can do things on our own that we don't really need lawyers for, I'll save money.

 

/sigh

 

He and his wife probably talked to their lawyer and was advised (like you were) not to contact either of them and let the lawyers do the talking. I don't know why YOUR lawyer isn't contacting their lawyer or your lawyer isn't calling him. You also were the one who told his wife you would not speak to her and communication must happen through lawyers so on some level it shouldn't be a shock that he has blocked you.

 

His wife offered to speak to you a few times and you shut the door weeks ago.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Again, don't be concerned about not dealing with the BW. It's your exMM who should be handling this situation, not his wife.

 

Had you dealt with her, you'd have a lot more problems than you have now. This opinion is based on her behavior which has aligned with his statements about her. You were very wise not to talk with her about any of this.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Again, don't be concerned about not dealing with the BW. It's your exMM who should be handling this situation, not his wife.

 

Had you dealt with her, you'd have a lot more problems than you have now. This opinion is based on her behavior which has aligned with his statements about her. You were very wise not to talk with her about any of this.

 

Whether it's popular or not, the fact remains that this dreadful man is married. This means he has a wife and child already, and May's baby with this excuse for a Father is in addition to that.

 

There can be no possibility of his wife and their child being excluded, that's completely unrealistic unless he leaves his family but that isn't happening is it?

 

You say your opinion is based on her behaviour? What behaviour? Asking Mayday to talk about the situation? Having a gander surreptitiously at the woman her husband clandestinely created a new life with? Had she threatened the mother and child in any way? NO.

 

As for what the vile creature said about that berated woman he married, where's the proof? May doesn't know that what he said about her mental health is true, and neither do we. She may well be a loose cannon but there's nothing to definitively show that at this time is there?

 

You're right however, that the married man SHOULD be dealing with his mess himself, but the fact is he ISN'T is he? He's hiding behind his wife.

 

May, give yourself some space and leave it to your legal support to get you what your little one deserves.

[Mayday2016]

May, give yourself some space and leave it to your legal support to get you what your little one deserves.

 

Im trying, believe me. It's just so hard. My daughter turns 3 months on Monday, I filled out the papers 2 months ago for support and so far nothing has happened. No lawyers have conversated, no court date to go before a magistrate to get a DNA or establish support, no interaction between Dad and baby even though his wife stressed they want a relationship. I'm just frustrated, I know things take time and most people have other distractions. I have no outside distractions. I'm with my children 24/7 and am reminded of all the things not being done because I have nothing to focus on besides providing for them. Therapy is helping but even he said at our session on Thursday he's surprised nothing has happened yet.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Im trying, believe me. It's just so hard. My daughter turns 3 months on Monday, I filled out the papers 2 months ago for support and so far nothing has happened. No lawyers have conversated, no court date to go before a magistrate to get a DNA or establish support, no interaction between Dad and baby even though his wife stressed they want a relationship. I'm just frustrated, I know things take time and most people have other distractions. I have no outside distractions. I'm with my children 24/7 and am reminded of all the things not being done because I have nothing to focus on besides providing for them. Therapy is helping but even he said at our session on Thursday he's surprised nothing has happened yet.

 

I'm terribly saddened to hear that May, and I can only try to imagine how difficult things are for you right now. It does often seem that lawyers have little regard for the periphery lives of their clients. In other words they don't really see the entire picture, what your life is REALLY like.

 

I understand entirely the children and you 24/7, as a serviceman's wife I spent most of my time bringing up my children single handedly, although of course I didn't have the complications you are carrying.

 

I would give your lawyer a pointy finger if you feel he isn't doing things as quickly as you'd like or the way you'd like. He's paid to do a job May, make him work for you.

 

In the interim, get your Mum onside a bit more perhaps. I'm a Nana too, with a daughter suffering a relationship breakdown at the moment, and willing to share her burden, her distress, and help her and my deliciously naughty grandchildren as much as I'm able. I bet your Mum would be too.

 

Cuckoo x

[stillafool]

Hello, this is {wife}. We still have not received the second set of papers and we need them before we meet with the lawyer tomorrow afternoon how can we get a copy before then? I can drive down to your lawyers office if needed.

 

2nd text- We did leave a message for Your lawyer on Friday but never heard back

 

 

 

As evidenced above you are both having problems with your lawyers. It isn't the fault of either of you. If I were you, BW and MM I would contact my lawyers and ask why they aren't getting back to people. Do their jobs. I'm sure once all of this gets settled you will get your check in no time. Don't worry.

[stillafool]

Im trying, believe me. It's just so hard. My daughter turns 3 months on Monday, I filled out the papers 2 months ago for support and so far nothing has happened. No lawyers have conversated, no court date to go before a magistrate to get a DNA or establish support, no interaction between Dad and baby even though his wife stressed they want a relationship. I'm just frustrated, I know things take time and most people have other distractions. I have no outside distractions. I'm with my children 24/7 and am reminded of all the things not being done because I have nothing to focus on besides providing for them. Therapy is helping but even he said at our session on Thursday he's surprised nothing has happened yet.

 

May what did your lawyer say was the hold up for 2 months straight? I would be furious if I were you.

[Sassy Girl]

Why serve him at the college? Can't you just serve him at his home? unless you want to poke the bear and fuel the drama?

[Sub]

What is up with this lawyer? Did you ever get an answer about the $400 bill you weren't supposed to get? And why would he have you email the MM when "everything" is going through your respective lawyers? Why doesn't he email him? Or better yet, why doesn't he keep calling the other lawyer until he gets somewhere? Or go to her office? I thought you said they know each other? "Email the MM"? Did he actually think that would work?

[Sub]

"No lawyers have conversated."

 

Remember when you told your lawyer about the W hanging around your place? You said he said "it won't happen again". But if they haven't communicated, how exactly could he say that with such certainty? Something's off here.