His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[Sassy Girl]

There's nothing to settle. This state uses a child support calculator. I'm not engaging the wife, I'm just not. XMM may have lied but I have 20+ emails and texts waiting to print where he said she's crazy, violent, manipulative, and underhanded, where he rehashed their therapy sessions and there were nights we spent together where she would go on texting rants and he'd hand me the phone making me see the **** she said. I do not trust this woman, I'm sorry. It's not emotion leading the charge, it's logic. I don't care if I'm basing that off of things he said that may or may not be true but he painted a very consistent picture and the last thing I want is to add a crazy woman to my plate. I'm already dealing with enough. I'd rather be poorer than a church mouse for the next year then start 'opening a door' with a person that my gut instinct tells me not to trust. She's not playing 'nice' .. I'm the woman that her husband cheated on her with for way over a year, he invested in me, and we created a child. Her picture perfect was a lie, because of me. She decides 3 days after finding out about all of this that she wants a relationship with the baby? The baby that's a result of her husband being unfaithful? That's a rash, snap decision where she didn't mourn, grieve, or analyze. I'm sorry but no. I love the advice I get here, you all have talked me off the ledge so much but I'm not going and turning to the wife as if she's a refuge and an answer to my prayers. Especially if my gut is absolutely right and she is manipulative, underhanded, and violent and tries to hurt me (however she can) or tries to hurt my daughter (however that happens)...

 

 

So now you don't want you daughter to have a relationship with her father?

 

Just exactly how do you see that playing out?

[stillafool]

Are you eligible for any social assistance? A lot of areas don't tolerate deadbeat dads and will enforce support on your behalf.

 

Perhaps a little last-resort, I don't know your true financial situation.

 

I think this is a good idea to check out. You should be able to at least qualify for food stamps. There's no telling how long this CS thing is going to take so definitely try for social assistance. I don't see MM wanting to have anything to do with this at all and you don't feel comfortable dealing wth the wife so hopefully your attorney can do his best.

 

May it's not about you being as poor as a church mouse, it's about the baby getting what is rightfully hers. She shouldn't have to live poor as a church mouse.

[sandylee1]

There is no going back to the XMM or his wife directly...that door is closed and it's a matter of waiting for the legal matters.

 

This BW behaved calmly ... yet people are warning you against her ... when the BW gets mad...she's branded as everything MM says she was.

 

From the initial communication you had with the BW.. she wanted to speed things up.. I recall she asked about getting in touch with your lawyer or something. ..as there was some difficulty.

 

What I see here is that you owe the lawyer 2k.. so he's not minded to really act quickly and work on your case. In fact he's telling you to sort it out yourselves directly with them .... to save money. Money he knows you don't have... because you owe him.

[LivingWaterPlease]

There's nothing to settle. This state uses a child support calculator. I'm not engaging the wife, I'm just not. XMM may have lied but I have 20+ emails and texts waiting to print where he said she's crazy, violent, manipulative, and underhanded, where he rehashed their therapy sessions and there were nights we spent together where she would go on texting rants and he'd hand me the phone making me see the **** she said. I do not trust this woman, I'm sorry. It's not emotion leading the charge, it's logic. I don't care if I'm basing that off of things he said that may or may not be true but he painted a very consistent picture and the last thing I want is to add a crazy woman to my plate. I'm already dealing with enough. I'd rather be poorer than a church mouse for the next year then start 'opening a door' with a person that my gut instinct tells me not to trust. She's not playing 'nice' .. I'm the woman that her husband cheated on her with for way over a year, he invested in me, and we created a child. Her picture perfect was a lie, because of me. She decides 3 days after finding out about all of this that she wants a relationship with the baby? The baby that's a result of her husband being unfaithful? That's a rash, snap decision where she didn't mourn, grieve, or analyze. I'm sorry but no. I love the advice I get here, you all have talked me off the ledge so much but I'm not going and turning to the wife as if she's a refuge and an answer to my prayers. Especially if my gut is absolutely right and she is manipulative, underhanded, and violent and tries to hurt me (however she can) or tries to hurt my daughter (however that happens)...

 

So glad to read your of your firmness and clarity on this, Mayday2016. I believe you've made a wise decision.

[SoleMate]

Your #1 priority (beyond immediate care for you and your kids) should be:

 

URGENT, TOP SPEED FILING and SERVING of emergency paternity orders, child support, etc. I would recommend calling or better yet, VISITING your own lawyer with all offspring in tow and sit there in his office until he gets this DONE. Two month for you to wait without serving is absurd. (Have you told your lawyer you're hard up for $$$ and every day is a struggle? Think about the first ear infection your baby will be getting - that ain't cheap.) Hopefully you've seen that this should be your priority. I believe you should take all the focus OFF exMM, OFF exBS, OFF all that drama, and onto your own family.

 

To the extent that people posting here are advising concern for the exBS over you and your kids, I believe that is a mistake. exBS and exOW are strangers to each other, neither owes the other a thing. This is Mayday's thread. exBS is welcome to start her own thread and people can advise for her benefit there. My 2c.

 

Mayday, hugs, courage, get those papers filed and served.

[Joie]

There's nothing to settle. This state uses a child support calculator. I'm not engaging the wife, I'm just not. XMM may have lied but I have 20+ emails and texts waiting to print where he said she's crazy, violent, manipulative, and underhanded, where he rehashed their therapy sessions and there were nights we spent together where she would go on texting rants and he'd hand me the phone making me see the **** she said. I do not trust this woman, I'm sorry. It's not emotion leading the charge, it's logic. I don't care if I'm basing that off of things he said that may or may not be true but he painted a very consistent picture and the last thing I want is to add a crazy woman to my plate. I'm already dealing with enough. I'd rather be poorer than a church mouse for the next year then start 'opening a door' with a person that my gut instinct tells me not to trust. She's not playing 'nice' .. I'm the woman that her husband cheated on her with for way over a year, he invested in me, and we created a child. Her picture perfect was a lie, because of me. She decides 3 days after finding out about all of this that she wants a relationship with the baby? The baby that's a result of her husband being unfaithful? That's a rash, snap decision where she didn't mourn, grieve, or analyze. I'm sorry but no. I love the advice I get here, you all have talked me off the ledge so much but I'm not going and turning to the wife as if she's a refuge and an answer to my prayers. Especially if my gut is absolutely right and she is manipulative, underhanded, and violent and tries to hurt me (however she can) or tries to hurt my daughter (however that happens)...

 

I understand the child support guidelines and for your sake I hope this happens as quickly as possible. I think that you are being unrealistic. Look at how long your divorce has taken. I know that it sounds simple. xMM is the father and he should pay support. But you want xMM to pay support and not have visitation with his child. I am sorry but it sounds like they are in a position to pay their lawyer. He can drag this out and he is well within his legal rights because you also want to drag it out. If you want to go to war I wish you nothing but the best but legal battles are long and messy.

 

 

To be clear. I am not saying the wife is paragon of virtue. She may still rebuff your efforts to engage especially after you rebuffed hers or she may be a heinous beast but at least you can say you tried. You have no idea what they want. You jump from them wanting to steal your baby to wanting to know why he hasn't wanted to see the baby. IMO you are making life way more complicated by playing the 'what if game' when a 30 minutes conversation could clear this up.

 

I really am not trying to pick on you but support you. I think it is very hard to raise a child by yourself. I think in the end he will pay you support, you will have custody and he will have unsupervised visitation if they want it. I just think you can get there a lot faster if you take a second and see that you are increasing the drama factor.

[ChickiePops]

Mayday, you're avoiding answering the multiple posts asking why you won't have him served.

 

Is it because you're still holding out hope that he will leave his wife for you and you don't want to admit it?

[Sassy Girl]

I'd rather be poorer than a church mouse for the next year then start 'opening a door' with a person that my gut instinct tells me not to trust.

 

I find this part of your post the part that needs addressing, because I think you're not quite at reality with your situation or your options

 

You've already "opened" that door with your actions

 

You opened it when you slept with the woman's husband, fell pregnant and had a baby to someone else's husband. You CHOSE her, by choosing him, who wasn't yours. You opened that door.

 

You also opened that door when you went for child support. I don't disagree that it was the right thing to do. It absolutely was - but again, you opened that door. That was your choice.

 

The reality of your situation is that you had a baby with another woman's husband. Now for all intents and purposes she could scream at him like a banshee - doesn't make him - or her for that matter - an unfit parent. She's already successfully raising a 3 year old daughter. And by your account, you raised 2 children of your own In an "abusive" marriage ... And they still have contact with their father. Don't they? I don't see your righteous indignation about your exH continuing contact with your other 2 children??

 

So, what I think, is that you change your argument and your actions dependent on what outcome will bring you closer to MM. First you wanted him to have a relationship with eh he daughter, but now that it's a possibility - albeit with the BS, it's all about trying to separate her from the equation. I agre Yourndaughters welfare should be first priority, but this motherly concern doesn't gel with your actions with your ther two children and their father... So what gives? does your exH have supervised visitation?

Edited March 19, 2016 by Sassy Girl

[Civil]

May,

 

I think all of this may have started because you wanted to go easy on MM, hoping for an outcome where you both were together. It's time to change course and begin moving on with your life. You have started the process with both you and your oldest getting counseling. I think the best next steps should continue to be empowering steps. In that case, I would suggest:

 

1) get him served as quickly as possible wherever that may be.

2) Google free legal advice and your county's or city's name. Consult those folks.

3) find out about free or low cost daycare.

4) get some form of employment. It will help solve two issues: lack of money and socialization. Plus, getting a job is a huge confidence builder. You just said you feel like you are dependent on everyone else. This helps you establish independencee.

5) you said child support papers and paternity testing papers are common forms available at your county building. Go get them yourself and mail to MM and his wife. You don't have to put a return address on it so they don't have to know it was you. While at the county building, inquire about making a demand for support yourself. They will likely recommend you be represented by counsel but a chatty court reporter will give you personal recommendations.

6) consider relocating back to where you had social supports. You moved to a new area for MM but he's done and gone. Perhaps moving back to where you had friends and family support will help you start fresh. Also, if MM and his wife have to travel to pick up your daughter in an eventual shared support situation, it makes them less likely to pursue it.

 

Above all, Mayday, the hardest thing you have to do is stop considering him when you are making plans for you and your family. I know you still somehow want him in the picture but it just isn't going to happen. YOU have to let go. You have to rebuild your life and you can't remain stagnant hoping for him. It's destroying you and your family. If there was no him, would you be living there? No. So don't stay if the only reason is because he's there. If it wasn't for him, would you have pursued having a career to support your family? Then go do it.

 

I am not trying to be cruel. I know how agonizingly tough it is to get over someone and I empathize. But at this point, I see your reluctance to get over him as holding you back. We already know you are tough. Now it's time to prove just how amazing you are.

 

Hugs, GG

 

This. With the possible exception being where Mayday chooses to have MM served. As a professor, his contract is likely subject to a moral turpitude clause and he's in violation. I'd have him served at work and hope that that leads to his removal from a position of influence over young minds. But Mayday has a different agenda.

 

Going forward, Mayday, you get to choose the sort of mother you want to be. You can shift the focus from MM and BW and accept and deal with the hard realities of your children's situation. It's is not a condition that goes away at some point. It's for their entire lifetime, and you really must make much better choices for yourself if they're going to have a chance at a good life. You have to seek real, reliable assistance now to prepare yourself to stand and be strong enough to reject the easy, destructive choices.

 

I don't know that my experience will be of use to you, but my H have an unfortunate level of understanding. He would be in the position of MM's daughter. His GF, F and brother all had "OC". Other children. Isn't that a sad designation?

 

My H learned very early on to value integrity and we made our own solid family separate from the chaos. And yet decades on, he still feels the burden. His brilliant mother was literally driven mad by decades of trying to cope. And we couldn't help because we didn't know the extent of FIL's betrayal until it was too late. Then came the knowledge that H has brothers and sisters that he cannot even locate. It's awful and it's none of his doing.

 

Please also understand that this affects all of your children, not just your daughter. Our elderly "OC" uncles described a life lived in limbo between two sets of half-siblings whose circles could never be mingled. They resented their father's children by marriage and were resented by their mother's other sons. Again, not their doing.

 

More recently, my BIL was cut off completely by his family after one of his OW had a child. She'd wished to live like his daughters did, but he'd spent his own money and had only ever worked for SILs company. SIL and the nieces are relieved and, like us, are healthier and happier cut off from our disordered relations.

 

Whatever his relation to your daughter, involving yourself with MM isn't an option. And pitting yourself against his BW is a terrible urge. To prevail against her, you'd have to have a diagnosis of a condition that qualifies her medically as a "risk to others". Even if she's diagnosed with BPD, if she's treated and functioning, that's a managed medical condition. Not voluntarily bad behavior. And if you go after her without cause, in any sense, you'll open the door to the details of your own conduct becoming a part of the record. You've been brave and honest about your history with MM, but it is harrowing, and this is no time to forget that.

 

To a much better future.

Edited March 19, 2016 by Civil

[Mayday2016]

Mayday, you're avoiding answering the multiple posts asking why you won't have him served.

 

Is it because you're still holding out hope that he will leave his wife for you and you don't want to admit it?

 

 

We're serving him if his lawyer doesn't respond. I just don't know my own lawyers timeframe, he's not transparent. I felt bad about it because if it affects his job that screws the baby. He needs his job and if he's served at work it worries me. If he doesn't have an income, she doesn't get monetary support from him. There's no hope left. I haven't seen him for almost 7 weeks. It's hard but he dropped me like a hot potato.

[Mayday2016]

I find this part of your post the part that needs addressing, because I think you're not quite at reality with your situation or your options

 

You've already "opened" that door with your actions

 

You opened it when you slept with the woman's husband, fell pregnant and had a baby to someone else's husband. You CHOSE her, by choosing him, who wasn't yours. You opened that door.

 

You also opened that door when you went for child support. I don't disagree that it was the right thing to do. It absolutely was - but again, you opened that door. That was your choice.

 

The reality of your situation is that you had a baby with another woman's husband. Now for all intents and purposes she could scream at him like a banshee - doesn't make him - or her for that matter - an unfit parent. She's already successfully raising a 3 year old daughter. And by your account, you raised 2 children of your own In an "abusive" marriage ... And they still have contact with their father. Don't they? I don't see your righteous indignation about your exH continuing contact with your other 2 children??

 

So, what I think, is that you change your argument and your actions dependent on what outcome will bring you closer to MM. First you wanted him to have a relationship with eh he daughter, but now that it's a possibility - albeit with the BS, it's all about trying to separate her from the equation. I agre Yourndaughters welfare should be first priority, but this motherly concern doesn't gel with your actions with your ther two children and their father... So what gives? does your exH have supervised visitation?

 

 

 

No they have no contact. He lives on the other side of the country, haven't seen him except for one day in August and he hasn't called in 3 months.

[Joie]

No one is going to know what papers you served him. I am assuming your attorney is going to use either police department or a process server. They take the paperwork they hand it to him and they walk away. They don't read it out loud and the don't show it to anyone else. They probably won't serve him at work anyway. They usually just bring the paperwork to his house.

[Civil]

No one is going to know what papers you served him. I am assuming your attorney is going to use either police department or a process server. They take the paperwork they hand it to him and they walk away. They don't read it out loud and the don't show it to anyone else. They probably won't serve him at work anyway. They usually just bring the paperwork to his house.

 

No one is going to know? Really? Workplace service is pretty dramatic, even if it's not performed by a uniformed deputy. And academic offices are particularly sensitive, subject as they are to ethical and moral and scrutiny. At the very least, the department would have to inquire.

 

Mayday, it does sound as if this MM has resources beyond his salary and would have to pay CS in any case. But collecting CS is not going to give you a life of your own. You need to do the hard work to become self sufficient so that you never feel this particular desperation again.

 

That is within reach for you, but you have to want that and value it. Get public assistance, get into a training program. Get a job, entry-level if that''s all that's available. Do the job while you prepare yourself for the next opportunity, and that will come.

[Mayday2016]

No one is going to know? Really? Workplace service is pretty dramatic, even if it's not performed by a uniformed deputy. And academic offices are particularly sensitive, subject as they are to ethical and moral and scrutiny. At the very least, the department would have to inquire.

 

Mayday, it does sound as if this MM has resources beyond his salary and would have to pay CS in any case. But collecting CS is not going to give you a life of your own. You need to do the hard work to become self sufficient so that you never feel this particular desperation again.

 

That is within reach for you, but you have to want that and value it. Get public assistance, get into a training program. Get a job, entry-level if that''s all that's available. Do the job while you prepare yourself for the next opportunity, and that will come.

 

My therapist asked what I wanted out of therapy. I told him right now I need help navigating. My old life has ended and I'm entering a new life, it's a very hard one. He's already pushed me so far in the last three/four weeks or maybe I've pushed myself. We're receiving food stamps and baby is on state insurance so I won't be drowning in her medical debt ? That's a big weight off my shoulders. I want to go to school. Is that crazy? Baby is still nursing, she's only 3 months old but I don't want a job that makes it so I can't support myself. I want to be able to invest in myself to have a career where I never feel like I have to get married just to 'get by' in life. I don't want to ever get married until I know for sure I'm ready and my kids are, too. But is it crazy to want to pursue an education with 3 kids under 5? One of which nurses (what feels like) 24/7 because of her reflux? My big kiddo starts kindergarten in the fall and I can't wait, it's going to be life changing for me and her.

[stillafool]

I don't want to ever get married until I know for sure I'm ready and my kids are, too. But is it crazy to want to pursue an education with 3 kids under 5? One of which nurses (what feels like) 24/7 because of her reflux? My big kiddo starts kindergarten in the fall and I can't wait, it's going to be life changing for me and her.

 

Of course you can go back to school. Lots of single mothers do it. You have to be determined and it is a sacrifice that is well worth the pay off. It's good that you aren't looking to get married any time soon because you really won't have time for a man because I assume most of your free time would be spent with your kids.

[Sassy Girl]

My therapist asked what I wanted out of therapy. I told him right now I need help navigating. My old life has ended and I'm entering a new life, it's a very hard one. He's already pushed me so far in the last three/four weeks or maybe I've pushed myself. We're receiving food stamps and baby is on state insurance so I won't be drowning in her medical debt ? That's a big weight off my shoulders. I want to go to school. Is that crazy? Baby is still nursing, she's only 3 months old but I don't want a job that makes it so I can't support myself. I want to be able to invest in myself to have a career where I never feel like I have to get married just to 'get by' in life. I don't want to ever get married until I know for sure I'm ready and my kids are, too. But is it crazy to want to pursue an education with 3 kids under 5? One of which nurses (what feels like) 24/7 because of her reflux? My big kiddo starts kindergarten in the fall and I can't wait, it's going to be life changing for me and her.

Can it be done? Sure. But I won't sugar coat it - it's freaking hard.

 

I got 2 undergrads while having my First 2 children and am doing my masters with 3.

 

It's hard. Damn hard. And I've had support all the way through and money to feed my kids. And a supportive employer who pays me well and allows flexible working.

 

Yeah it's possible, but you need to PLAN. You're already strapped and relying on food stamps. I'd say being able to support yourself and your children is your first priority. Paying down the debt you're accumulating and becoming financially stable. Schools a nice thought and a good investment, yes, but you have more

Pressing issue right now. Focus on that first yeah?

[BurnedAndLost]

my therapist asked what i wanted out of therapy. I told him right now i need help navigating. My old life has ended and i'm entering a new life, it's a very hard one. He's already pushed me so far in the last three/four weeks or maybe i've pushed myself. We're receiving food stamps and baby is on state insurance so i won't be drowning in her medical debt �� that's a big weight off my shoulders. I want to go to school. Is that crazy? Baby is still nursing, she's only 3 months old but i don't want a job that makes it so i can't support myself. I want to be able to invest in myself to have a career where i never feel like i have to get married just to 'get by' in life. I don't want to ever get married until i know for sure i'm ready and my kids are, too. But is it crazy to want to pursue an education with 3 kids under 5? One of which nurses (what feels like) 24/7 because of her reflux? My big kiddo starts kindergarten in the fall and i can't wait, it's going to be life changing for me and her.

 

.

..

.........

Edited March 20, 2016 by BurnedAndLost

[velvette]

My therapist asked what I wanted out of therapy. I told him right now I need help navigating. My old life has ended and I'm entering a new life, it's a very hard one. He's already pushed me so far in the last three/four weeks or maybe I've pushed myself. We're receiving food stamps and baby is on state insurance so I won't be drowning in her medical debt ? That's a big weight off my shoulders. I want to go to school. Is that crazy? Baby is still nursing, she's only 3 months old but I don't want a job that makes it so I can't support myself. I want to be able to invest in myself to have a career where I never feel like I have to get married just to 'get by' in life. I don't want to ever get married until I know for sure I'm ready and my kids are, too. But is it crazy to want to pursue an education with 3 kids under 5? One of which nurses (what feels like) 24/7 because of her reflux? My big kiddo starts kindergarten in the fall and I can't wait, it's going to be life changing for me and her.

 

Absolutely, go back to school and get a degree or certificate that gives you a path to earning what you need to earn to support yourself and your children.

 

 

But........research and find out the salary potential of the things you are interested in. Also, don't get sucked into huge student loans especially for degrees that may not have a lot of earning potential.

 

 

Even if it takes you 6 yrs to get a 4 year degree, you can be 6 years down the road with a degree or 6 yrs down the road without one.

 

 

I would start with your local community college. See if they have a counselor you can talk to. If you have the stomach for it, I would start with health care/nursing programs.

[BurnedAndLost]

.

..

.........

 

So I read back and it looks like I misread your post. So you DO have a hs diploma.

 

What career choices are you interested in? Do you have a community college near you? You could start by taking on or two classes. During the evening. Most community colleges have a daycare on site. Some of them are even free.

[ShatteredLady]

As a single Mum of 2 little girls my friend started teaching in a preschool where she got a HUGE discount for her girls daycare. She trained to be a specialist teacher while doing that.

 

Her kids are now in school & she's a high school teacher. She earns good money & extras for evening classes. Has bought a lovely little house for the 3 of them. She has the same holidays as the girls which makes life much easier.

 

Just an idea!

[BurnedAndLost]

Can it be done? Sure. But I won't sugar coat it - it's freaking hard.

 

I got 2 undergrads while having my First 2 children and am doing my masters with 3.

 

It's hard. Damn hard. And I've had support all the way through and money to feed my kids. And a supportive employer who pays me well and allows flexible working.

 

Yeah it's possible, but you need to PLAN. You're already strapped and relying on food stamps. I'd say being able to support yourself and your children is your first priority. Paying down the debt you're accumulating and becoming financially stable. Schools a nice thought and a good investment, yes, but you have more

Pressing issue right now. Focus on that first yeah?

If she only has a hs diploma then that might never happen until she gets some type of certification at the very least. Especially with no work experience.

 

Imo she has two choices. She can either use the aid available to her and work part time and attend school for a year or two and find work that will provide for her and her family's needs or spend years working for low pay and hope one day she makes enough to go back to school.

 

It might sound harsh but it's the truth. In todays market she is going to need at least an associates degree to compete in the job market. Hell, employers are starting to require at least some college for their receptionists and Secretaries. Are some people able to make it in the job market without any education or certified skill? Yes. But they are the exception, not the rule.

[Civil]

My therapist asked what I wanted out of therapy. I told him right now I need help navigating. My old life has ended and I'm entering a new life, it's a very hard one. He's already pushed me so far in the last three/four weeks or maybe I've pushed myself. We're receiving food stamps and baby is on state insurance so I won't be drowning in her medical debt ? That's a big weight off my shoulders. I want to go to school. Is that crazy? Baby is still nursing, she's only 3 months old but I don't want a job that makes it so I can't support myself. I want to be able to invest in myself to have a career where I never feel like I have to get married just to 'get by' in life. I don't want to ever get married until I know for sure I'm ready and my kids are, too. But is it crazy to want to pursue an education with 3 kids under 5? One of which nurses (what feels like) 24/7 because of her reflux? My big kiddo starts kindergarten in the fall and I can't wait, it's going to be life changing for me and her.

 

Is it crazy to pursue an education with three kids under five? No, I think being single with three kids under five makes education the only really sound choice.

 

Yes, your long goal is a big challenge, but it breaks down to small, manageable tasks. You know this. You're already doing it, one bit at a time. You already feel the improvements, having taken care of food stamps and insurance. Isn't it great high, when you get it done?

 

Start by developing a strategy, knowing that your situation will change every few months as your baby matures. If family can't help, look for programs that will assist with childcare for the youngest while you go to school. And then look into the programs for certifications that will get you a good quality job. It doesn't have to be your dream job. It's the springboard job that sets you up to get more training. Medical billing certs are valuable right now. Or learn to code. My business is always starved for problem solvers who can code.

 

I know about that 24/7 nursing gig. It won't last forever, so use the time now to do your research.

 

Ages ago, a mentor taught me a simple trick to steer away from distraction and keep the focus on the tasks that were really essential to my business. Before you go to sleep each night, make a note of one or two things you can do the next day to move you toward your goal. Small tasks that you know you can get done or at least moved along. May sound lame, but you can build a small empire that way.

[BurnedAndLost]

Is it crazy to pursue an education with three kids under five? No, I think being single with three kids under five makes education the only really sound choice.

 

Yes, your long goal is a big challenge, but it breaks down to small, manageable tasks. You know this. You're already doing it, one bit at a time. You already feel the improvements, having taken care of food stamps and insurance. Isn't it great high, when you get it done?

 

Start by developing a strategy, knowing that your situation will change every few months as your baby matures. If family can't help, look for programs that will assist with childcare for the youngest while you go to school. And then look into the programs for certifications that will get you a good quality job. It doesn't have to be your dream job. It's the springboard job that sets you up to get more training. Medical billing certs are valuable right now. Or learn to code. My business is always starved for problem solvers who can code.

 

I know about that 24/7 nursing gig. It won't last forever, so use the time now to do your research.

 

Ages ago, a mentor taught me a simple trick to steer away from distraction and keep the focus on the tasks that were really essential to my business. Before you go to sleep each night, make a note of one or two things you can do the next day to move you toward your goal. Small tasks that you know you can get done or at least moved along. May sound lame, but you can build a small empire that way.

I agree. Single mothers especially are using gov aid to their advantage and are going back to school because they know that an education is their best shot and providing the life they want for their kids. Colleges are seeing the highest number of applications from single moms and adults returning to school in years. And it is steadily increasing every year.

 

I implore you to start taking action. You aren't getting younger. If you want to go to school put that desire in to action. You might have to start small but it will be the step in the right direction.

 

You will have to sacrifice. It will be hard. You might not be able to spend as much time with your children. You'll be tired. But i can almost guarantee you that all of that will STILL happen if you are working a low paying job to provide for your kids. So my point is again, would you rather that be your life for the next 2 or 3 year or for the next 18?

 

The previous poster was right. If you can handle it go in to health care. If you want to be a nurse someday, take a cna course. They are short and once you are certified you will be able to work part time while working towards being an RN. If you have more patience you become an lpn first. That is a little longer. About 1 year or so. I know someone who did this. She is a single mom to 4 children and she is in school to get her bsn. She is making about 29 dollars per hour and when she finishes her bsn her salary will be the equivalent to over $50 an hour. She is doing this as a single mom of four while also working full time.

[Civil]

Years ago we had a trainee pool, 5 or 6 total. Three were single mothers. All three stayed on and advanced. The youngest was a woman who came to us from a gov. training program that prepared her for an entry-level job. Beyond public assistance, this woman had no support network at all. Her son had some health issues that meant days off or flexible hours. But within a year and half, she was a department manager. She was that focussed on her own goals. Our needs were just a means to hers, and that's the ideal.

 

Really, who has a better motive than a mother?

[velvette]

Can it be done? Sure. But I won't sugar coat it - it's freaking hard.

 

I got 2 undergrads while having my First 2 children and am doing my masters with 3.

 

It's hard. Damn hard. And I've had support all the way through and money to feed my kids. And a supportive employer who pays me well and allows flexible working.

 

Yeah it's possible, but you need to PLAN. You're already strapped and relying on food stamps. I'd say being able to support yourself and your children is your first priority. Paying down the debt you're accumulating and becoming financially stable. Schools a nice thought and a good investment, yes, but you have more

Pressing issue right now. Focus on that first yeah?

 

 

There's some truth to this and May needs to be realistic.

 

 

Maybe start slow with one class while also trying to work somewhere.

 

 

But, maximize your efforts. She's on the east coast of the USA I presume. Anywhere up and down the east coast you can earn $60-$100 cleaning an average size house or apt. Add some flyers to a large apt complex even smarter.

 

 

So for the price of a vacuum cleaner, a mop and some cleaning supplies a decent income. Even better if you can find another woman to work with you.

 

 

If you live near any kind of resort, where there are rental houses that need cleaning every week so much the better.

 

 

Write your income down with expenses, no taxes, and a few thousand dollars refund based on your children in Earned Income Tax Credit.

 

 

Once you are established, weed out the slobs and only clean houses where they clean for the cleaner!!

 

 

OP needs to hook up with other women in her situation imo. Parents without partners. Local womens shelter, etc. Move into a situation where you can help each other with child care.