His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[Sub]

I would not do anything regarding her. Your concern is hMM. I would deal only with him.

 

I think this is the riskiest of choices. IMO, if you want to REALLY incense a BS, ignore a request directed specifically to you and keep "dealing" with their spouse. Not saying the OP needs to give the BS everything she asks, but I think just getting away from the situation would be healthiest.

[whichwayisup]

How would you phrase those questions?

 

I don't want to hurt her or cause her further damage. My anger is with her husband NOT her, hurting her would not bring me any joy or comfort.

 

But you've already hurt her by having an A and having her husband's baby. She just didn't know it until recently.

 

My own ex-h cheated, multiple times. I wanted answers, I never got them. I totally would understand her need for them. but I'm wondering how she didn't know before this was blown open there was something shady going on as he was with me 2 to 4 nights a week.

 

Because he's good at lying.

[RRM321]

If I can be honest about my feelings this is how I feel--

 

I don't want to do anything that jinxes the possibility he'd ever step up and be in my daughter's future.

 

My own ex-h cheated, multiple times. I wanted answers, I never got them. I totally would understand her need for them. but I'm wondering how she didn't know before this was blown open there was something shady going on as he was with me 2 to 4 nights a week.

 

I am furious at him because I learned I wasn't his only A, I was just the only one he was really serious about. And he was serious about me for a while, when it was still a romance with feelings (for 6 months before pregnancy) things were intense and very emotionally and physically charged. Once I said I was pregnant he became a nightmare and broke my heart. A part of me wants him to know that kind of hurt and pain but then I think, there's no sense in that because I did bring a lot of this on myself.

 

I'm scared. I'm scared of seeing her angry or broken. I'm scared of seeing how what I did with him hurt her. She was always a nonentity. I'm a non confrontational person and don't think well under pressure. I'm scared of not giving her what she needs to hear but I'm also scared that this is an attempt on both of their fronts to tag team me into getting me to back down. Child support for my daughter hurts her livelihood too. It changes her style of living. Even if he pays me $200 a month that hurts her, if he pays me $800 a month, that's an even bigger hit. He always knew how to manipulate me, I couldn't handle him using his wife trying to manipulate me too.

 

You're feelings are not your friend. You need to put them aside until you get your priorities straight.

 

MM is not a person you want in your daughters future. He is toxic. He has messed you up, and he will mess your daughter up as well. He's very likley messed up quite a few others as well.

 

It is not necessary to meet with the wife. You can give her what she wants in writing - the same way a lawyer would do it. Text her back and ask her to what purpose does she inquire? If she wants "answers" then suggest that she write out a list of questions and submit them to you by mail, fax, or email.

 

Have the questions and your answers reviewed and edited by a lawyer before you return anything to her. You do not want anything you tell her to be something that can be used against you in a custody or civil suit.

 

Your feelings for this man are not something you should share. I'm not going to explain why - but, YOUR FEELINGS FOR MM (Past and Present) MUST BE LEFT OUT OF ALL DISCUSSIONS with the MM, wife, or any representative.

[Mayday2016]

But you've already hurt her by having an A and having her husband's baby. She just didn't know it until recently.

 

 

 

Because he's good at lying.

 

Yes, he is.

 

I didn't want to piss her off by not replying - I ****ing hate iMessage showing texts as read. This is what I said-

 

I'm going to be super direct. What are you looking for?

 

-- probably not a great response but I didn't lead her into any sort of answer and left it totally up to interpretation. It shows as delivered, when she responds I'll update the thread.

[Doublegold]

Let your Lawyer handle this. Your only concern at this point should be the child.

 

Stop guessing, hoping and wondering. You owe nothing to anyone except the innocent in all this mess, your daughter.

 

Call your lawyer.

[Mayday2016]

And she said-

 

 

I want to begin the conversation about what this is all going to look like in the months to come.

[whichwayisup]

And she said-

 

 

I want to begin the conversation about what this is all going to look like in the months to come.

 

At least she's willing to talk. I think you should tell her your side of things and go from there. Don't think of her as the devil, think of her as a woman, an equal, who just found out her husband has deceived her and wants to know what will happen next.

 

Talk on the phone, not through texts.

[RRM321]

And she said-

 

 

I want to begin the conversation about what this is all going to look like in the months to come.

 

 

It's not clear what she means by "look like."

 

It's easy to assume that she is referring to the process ahead however, if she is as dysfunctional and deceptive as her husband - then "looks" is about keeping up appearances and saving her social status and image.

 

You really should do this through an attorney.

[Mayday2016]

Her response confuses me because xMM wanted nothing to do with the baby. He made it quite plain he did not want to know her, he didn't want to be a father to her. I can only assume he told his wife the same thing. He wanted me to go away. One of his last texts was that if I cared for him I would give him peace by letting him go. Did he suddenly change his tune? He hasn't contacted me to ask about her, ever. He hasn't asked to see her or anything.

[burnt]

Of all the stories I've read in this site, yours was the MOST heartbreaking to read.

 

I don't have any direct advice; you are in a very difficult position. Just a few thoughts though...

 

1. From what I read in your posts, MM didn't ask EVER how your daughter was doing. He didn't ever want to even see her. You handled the entire child-birth alone. As soon as you got pregnant he disappeared. Only showed up for more sex, but not to even see your daughter.

 

You can finally MAKE this man pay child support, but you cannot MAKE him be present as a father. And even if you can, try to imagine how toxic his indifference to his own daughter will be to this young girl. It is a far better option to NOT have a father figure than to have a father figure who hates and resents his own child.

 

Has he held his daughter even once by now? Are you sure you want a man of such pitiful morals to be around your daughter? What good will that do?

 

2. You can bet that MM finally disclosed to his wife about the affair only after he realized he couldn't hide anything due to the court procedures; you can bet, he has portrayed you as the Bunny Boiler crazy psychotic and himself as the innocent victim of your seductive lure. You can bet he told his wife, you have been chasing and luring him all along. You can bet you have been described as the manipulative deceptive greedy one.

 

Since you are still in love with MM, if you meet with his wife in person, chances are you will end up showing all those emotions, thus confirming MM's story that YOU are the crazy one.

 

But I do think she should know who this man really is; his character is nothing but ugly.

[d0nnivain]

And she said-

 

I want to begin the conversation about what this is all going to look like in the months to come.

 

Her whole world got turned upside down. The man who promised to love & cherish her for Life, had a long term affair & now has another kid. She is probably trying to find some way not to hate an innocent child.

 

 

She also wants to know how much of her husband she is going to have to share.

 

 

While I can understand what she wants, you can't be the person who answers her. Have your lawyer get in touch with her. No good can come into your life from you interacting with her.

 

 

Tell her you don't have the answers she seeks but your lawyer will be in touch.

[Mayday2016]

New text --

 

Maybe it is enough for me to write that I am staying with {husband} and we all want a relationship with {baby}. I hope we can all figure this out as smoothly as possible.

 

I do feel compassion for you. I am sorry about what he did to you.

[Popsicle]

And she said-

 

 

I want to begin the conversation about what this is all going to look like in the months to come.

 

You mentioned that MM once asked you "What do you want?". I think they (meaning he and his wife) are wanting to know HOW MUCH money you want per month.

 

That is always the burning question.

Edited February 29, 2016 by Popsicle

[burnt]

And she said-

I want to begin the conversation about what this is all going to look like in the months to come.

 

I find that deeply troubling. That sounds really off somehow.

 

It almost sounds like she's being the delegate in making arrangements on her husband's behalf.

 

HUH???

[Mayday2016]

I texted back that we should go through lawyers.

 

She said- ok, we meet with our lawyer on Tuesday.

[Popsicle]

New text --

 

Maybe it is enough for me to write that I am staying with {husband} and we all want a relationship with {baby}. I hope we can all figure this out as smoothly as possible.

 

I do feel compassion for you. I am sorry about what he did to you.

 

Well, good.

 

As long as they also cough up child support and treat baby well.

 

I think you're going to get what you want.... baby will have a relationship with her father.

 

I don't know about the CS though. That remains to be seen...

[whichwayisup]

New text --

 

Maybe it is enough for me to write that I am staying with {husband} and we all want a relationship with {baby}. I hope we can all figure this out as smoothly as possible.

 

I do feel compassion for you. I am sorry about what he did to you.

 

She is kind and I'm glad she's handling this with grace and respect. I hope you give her the same respect she's giving you.

[Mayday2016]

Why am I suddenly so scared though? Why am I scared that this woman will want my baby? Is that crazy to think? He said she's bipolar and insane, he's a known liar though so I don't trust either of them. I'm just floored she seems so straight forward and her responses were so well written after learning he was with me for as long as he was and as often as he was. I'm suddenly on high alert.

[whichwayisup]

New text --

 

Maybe it is enough for me to write that I am staying with {husband} and we all want a relationship with {baby}. I hope we can all figure this out as smoothly as possible.

 

I do feel compassion for you. I am sorry about what he did to you.

 

Since you are still in love with him and want him, will you be okay with this scenario? Him staying with his wife and being a father from afar (meaning you 3 won't be a family unit living together)? I hope you can cope with having to deal with him on occasion on a platonic co parenting level.

[whichwayisup]

Why am I suddenly so scared though? Why am I scared that this woman will want my baby? Is that crazy to think? He said she's bipolar and insane, he's a known liar though so I don't trust either of them. I'm just floored she seems so straight forward and her responses were so well written after learning he was with me for as long as he was and as often as he was. I'm suddenly on high alert.

 

DO not believe him, I doubt she's bi polar, I think he made that up to freak you out. He is a proven LIAR so who knows wtf he's told her about you, just like the lies he's told you about her.

 

I doubt she's wanting to 'steal' your baby and take your place. She has children with him already. She has shown you calm, respect and kindness.

[Popsicle]

Why am I suddenly so scared though? Why am I scared that this woman will want my baby? Is that crazy to think? He said she's bipolar and insane, he's a known liar though so I don't trust either of them. I'm just floored she seems so straight forward and her responses were so well written after learning he was with me for as long as he was and as often as he was. I'm suddenly on high alert.

 

He is probably sad that he got himself in this situation and went crying to her and she probably feels empathy for him and sorry for him wanting to help him and can't leave him in that state.

 

She also feels sorry for you too and wants to help you too.

 

I guess she has a bleeding heart.

[CarrieT]

New text --

 

Maybe it is enough for me to write that I am staying with {husband} and we all want a relationship with {baby}. I hope we can all figure this out as smoothly as possible.

 

I do feel compassion for you. I am sorry about what he did to you.

 

I think that is a good thing. A very close friend of mine had a child from an affair and the OM's wife has taken the daughter close to her heart (even though my friend and the OM's wife have only spoken once or twice).

 

A child having more people expressing love in their life can be a benefit.

[Mayday2016]

This is why I need this forum. You guys see her responses as graceful and respectful. The tone I read is that she pities me, even thinking it had the tone of I'm just some young, dumb girl that her husband took advantage of. (And he totally did) -- I almost got the feeling just from those brief texts that she is like yeah he does this, sorry he did even worse to you than he does to the other girls. {I'm really reading into this but that is what I do- I read into everything!!!!!!}

[dreamingoftigers]

New text --

 

Maybe it is enough for me to write that I am staying with {husband} and we all want a relationship with {baby}. I hope we can all figure this out as smoothly as possible.

 

I do feel compassion for you. I am sorry about what he did to you.

 

I think meet with her.

 

But make sure you legally kick him in the balls still.

[dreamingoftigers]

Why am I suddenly so scared though? Why am I scared that this woman will want my baby? Is that crazy to think? He said she's bipolar and insane, he's a known liar though so I don't trust either of them. I'm just floored she seems so straight forward and her responses were so well written after learning he was with me for as long as he was and as often as he was. I'm suddenly on high alert.

 

Honestly, this is how I would have handled it as a BW.

 

And part of that inspiration comes from the late Elizabeth Edwards who even bought the AP's child Quinn presents. She said very clear that it wasn't the child's fault what his father did and that he was her children's sibling.

 

I felt better about her when she 'liked' the baby's FB pics.

 

It may come across as 'weak' to many. But that's about how I feel about it.