His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[Mayday2016]

I agree. I think once paternity is established you may see the request for custody/visitation.

 

Would a request for custody/ visitation be seen as an admission that the child was his?

 

Remember that everything g they do us under the advice of their lawyer, so there will be a strategy. You just won't know about it until it happens.

 

I'm cautious right now. I have no expectations anymore. Whatever happens, happens. I am just trying to be like water right now.

[whichwayisup]

This is about keeping your daughter safe and happy..not squeezing as much out of this guy as you can or guilting him into parenting a child he doesn't want...or coming back to you...right?

 

I agree. What he owes you should be fair but don't go expecting half his wife's income or their inheritance money from his uncle. Besides, it seems he just can't go dipping into it, his uncle forked out money for him.

[Poppy47]

No. There's nothing nefarious. I just want her to have a good life. After we close this chapter it's my time to make a life for us and I'll need to get my butt in school, I want to make sure I'm able to do that when all is said and done. in the end I want to do it all for myself so if these men (xMM and stbxh) stop paying, I'll be able to care for the kids on my own because I'm able to support us on my own merits.

 

May,

 

Please don't ever forget that the paternal payments are not charity and they do not make you obligated. They are you children's legal right.

 

Please get back into your education, but do not stop the fathers from paying for their children, ever, because it makes you feel independent. That is putting an unnecessary burden upon yourself..

 

Poppy.

[sandylee1]

It seems odd that initially his wife was clear that they wanted a relationship with the baby....before any paternity test ... and now when submitting the finances for CS nothing has been mentioned about visitation or custody.

 

There is a chance that having seen you openly show your love /hurt about him .... they have changed their minds a depending on where you go (online) for advice... some say that the MM should go NC with the OW/OC. In fact they advocate it on one particularly well known marriage forum for the survival of the marriage.

 

What they say is that the single OW has a better chance of finding a suitable man to marry and be a father to the OC .... who will in turn have a better life.....and that having a MM hanging around in the child's life would put potential suitors off.

 

Anyway .... Once paternity is established it will hopefully be clear how they intend to proceed with visitation. An anxious wait I'm sure.

[MJJean]

May,

 

Please don't ever forget that the paternal payments are not charity and they do not make you obligated. They are you children's legal right.

 

Please get back into your education, but do not stop the fathers from paying for their children, ever, because it makes you feel independent. That is putting an unnecessary burden upon yourself..

 

Poppy.

 

Mayday, I believe, was referring to the fact that her STBXH and her baby daddy may stop sending support and she is planning to get herself an education and employment that would afford her to support the kids on her own in case either or both stop paying.

 

I don't know how familiar you are with child support, Poppy, but it is NOT at all uncommon for payors to ditch their support obligation. Even with court orders. Because enforcement is...spotty.

 

Let me give you an example. In my state, most judges will not automatically garnish wages until the payor hasn't made a payment for 6 months or has voluntarily agreed to garnishment. So, if a payor doesn't agree to garnishment, decides to stop sending payment, the payee must then wait the standard time, file a motion, wait for the court date, get the judge to sign the garnishment order, and then wait for the payroll company to begin the garnishment and disperse the payment. Meaning, the payee is looking at about 8-12 months before they actually receive their CS payments.

 

I realize some states are a bit faster, but the bottom line is that the payee needs to be able to at least make the bills in case the payor is recalcitrant, gets fired/laid off, becomes injured and cannot work, retires, etc.

[wmacbride]

It's a hard place you're in, but take things one day at a time while still looking towards the future.

 

What seems so devastating right now may well feel very different a year from now.

 

It may well turn out that your new baby's father may choose to spend tie with her, and his w may also come to accept her and be a good step mother. I know there's a stereotype of the wicked step mom, but that's unfair. With any luck, she may warm to the baby and end up being able to be a third person in her life that gives her a lot of love.

 

That might sound like a pipe dream, but if it can happen, it would give the best possible life to your child.

[whatatangledweb]

No. There's nothing nefarious. I just want her to have a good life. After we close this chapter it's my time to make a life for us and I'll need to get my butt in school, I want to make sure I'm able to do that when all is said and done.

 

Do you mean you want to get enough cs from exmm to support you and her while you go to school? Or that you're future plan is to go back to school?

[BlueIris]

It sounds like the MM and his wife may have decided to just pay child support and go no contact with you and the baby. This is not unusual.

 

How do you know he is withholding financial information other than things he told you? Also, will he carry your daughter on his insurance?

 

It sounds like that to me too, even if it's just a holding strategy. The child is very young so MM might decide to do only what's required for a couple of years and THEN decide what to do.

 

I'd guess that their home and relationship is a bit rocky right now and they have things to address themselves. His wife might be making her own individual assessment for herself and her child. Who would want to be married to a guy who generates this kind of drama?

 

OP said that he didn't have a close relationship with their child (MM and BS's) and he was spending 2-3 nights with OP (I think that's what you said, OP). So BS is probably already a primary parent. Now he has a new child and a court case in the mix, which is a financial drain at least, and he's one of those "she's crazy!" finger-pointers who can't keep it zipped and was an Ashley Madison user. I'd even guess that the reason "their" attorney wasn't responding was because BS wasn't quite on board with being part of this and might have been looking for her own attorney.

Edited April 1, 2016 by BlueIris

[Ms. Faust]

OP said that he didn't have a close relationship with their child (MM and BS's) and he was spending 2-3 nights with OP (I think that's what you said, OP). So BS is probably already a primary parent. Now he has a new child and a court case in the mix, which is a financial drain at least, and he's one of those "she's crazy!" finger-pointers who can't keep it zipped and was an Ashley Madison user. I'd even guess that the reason "their" attorney wasn't responding was because BS wasn't quite on board with being part of this and might have been looking for her own attorney.

 

Yeah, I never understand when MM claim their wives are crazy and unstable, but leave the crazy, unstable spouse to be the primary parent.

Edited April 1, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[Doublegold]

They may be waiting to establish paternity before addressing visitation, sounds like what a lawyer would advise.

 

 

Hang in there OP, keep looking forward.

[ladydesigner]

Yeah, I never understand when MM claim their wives are crazy and unstable, but leave the crazy, unstable spouse to be the primary parent.

 

I had a good chuckle at this because my WH painted me this way to the OW (probably why I'm always b*itching about it on this forum ) yet I have raised our 2 kids pretty much on my own it's been like 10% him and 90% me.

WH panics if he has to watch the kids god forbid, oh and if anyone disagrees with him or raises their voice slightly then they are either "crazy" "abusive" "unstable" and my favorite that he likes to use "beating him up"

[Mayday2016]

Do you mean you want to get enough cs from exmm to support you and her while you go to school? Or that you're future plan is to go back to school?

 

 

 

My future plan is to go back to school. I'm not looking for him to support me as if we were married or something. The child support is to take care of her needs. Childcare may become part of those needs if I start classes.

[sandylee1]

Yeah, I never understand when MM claim their wives are crazy and unstable, but leave the crazy, unstable spouse to be the primary parent.

 

It's just justification and sympathy seeking for having the A really.

You have to ask what kind of sane, stable, responsible parent would leave their child with such a crazy individual..... especially when the possible outcome of their actions (the A .. and divorce) would more than likely leave that child to spend even more time with the unstable crazy wife being the primary carer via custody. While he has EOW.

[amomwhoknows]

Mayday

 

If you are in the US and he works for a public (state/county/city) university/college/school, his salary is open records. To find the database, most likely you just need to google STATE NAME, public employees salary records and then search from there.

 

I am afraid that he has likely mislead you (imagine that) about his income and other financial things. I think CS is going to be much lower than you are thinking.

[Mayday2016]

Apparently next week my lawyer and xMM's lawyer have a telephonic status conference with the courts. As its telephonic I will not be there. Does anyone know what one of these are or will entail?

 

His wife is still following me on social media. She is once again liking my photos but this time on a different one of my accounts that I use to post hobby work. I don't feel as threatened by this but I don't understand. I assume she'd want to spy on me by why announce herself like that? It's not unnerving moreso just annoying. What should I do here? i really don't want to have to privatize this too.

[Ms. Faust]

If you don't like it you make it private or close the account.

[whichwayisup]

Apparently next week my lawyer and xMM's lawyer have a telephonic status conference with the courts. As its telephonic I will not be there. Does anyone know what one of these are or will entail?

 

His wife is still following me on social media. She is once again liking my photos but this time on a different one of my accounts that I use to post hobby work. I don't feel as threatened by this but I don't understand. I assume she'd want to spy on me by why announce herself like that? It's not unnerving moreso just annoying. What should I do here? i really don't want to have to privatize this too.

 

Either block her so she can't see anything or make it private. If your profile is public you can't stop someone from spying on your page.

 

More than likely the lawyers will exchange information and paperwork through email about everything and hear both sides of coin.

[ChickiePops]

Why do you need to do anything? She's neither threatening nor hurting you. She's looking at a public website.

 

She is probably (understandably) keeping tabs on you to make sure you're staying away from her husband. If it bothers you so much then block her or privatize.

[Sassy Girl]

Apparently next week my lawyer and xMM's lawyer have a telephonic status conference with the courts. As its telephonic I will not be there. Does anyone know what one of these are or will entail?

 

His wife is still following me on social media. She is once again liking my photos but this time on a different one of my accounts that I use to post hobby work. I don't feel as threatened by this but I don't understand. I assume she'd want to spy on me by why announce herself like that? It's not unnerving moreso just annoying. What should I do here? i really don't want to have to privatize this too.

 

I'd say it's a power move. She's inserting herself into your life the way you inserted yourself into hers.

 

She wants you to know she's watching.

[ShatteredLady]

Maybe she's realized that she needs to have a good relationship with you eventually for the sake of your daughters.

 

Maybe she's snooping...which is natural & to be completely expected...& she's 'liking' because she feels like a snoop & doesn't want to.

 

I just think it's healthy to hope for the best with this woman. If you want your girls to grow knowing each-other. If you both want visitation to take place... Chances are it's the 2 of you women who are going to be dealing with each-other. If I was the bs I wouldn't allow my WH to do drop off & do play dates etc.

 

The VERY BEST outcome is for both of you women to create a mature coparenting environment TOGETHER.

 

Coparenting is NOT going to be sharing him!!

[sandylee1]

The following gets obsessive unfortunately. I keep telling another BW to stop it ..it's pain shopping ...but over 2 years on she continues to look and keeps asking why her.. what is better about her...her H left for a few months to be with OW.

 

She can tell you how many pics are on her Instagram and FB. The OW kept pictures of the WS up even after he returned to wife....so it was hard for her.

 

She says she wants to see and is praying that the OW is happy and in a relationship so she won't pursue her H..... she feels scared that her H will go back to the OW....so she watches like a hawk..... It's terribly unhealthy.... but she's managed to reduced to twice a week and it was initially about 6 times a day.

 

Perhaps that gives you an inkling of how her (xMMs wife) mind is working and what her thoughts are. Though she never 'likes' the pics ... but she makes a mental note of all the comments and the likes on the pictures.

[Sassy Girl]

 

Coparenting is NOT going to be sharing him!!

 

Exactly. The only thing that will be shared is your daughter.

 

Also, I would start thinking about how you might handle your other two children. How will they react if their sister goes to see her father and they don't have any contact with theirs? There are a lot of family dynamics here at play which will need to be handled delicately... Especially if they are as well off as you say and your younger daughter gets a quality of life that your other children don't.

[bathtub-row]

I'd say it's a power move. She's inserting herself into your life the way you inserted yourself into hers.

 

She wants you to know she's watching.

 

I agree with this. I'd shut her down in every way possible.

[Maddieandtae]

Hi May, the betrayed wife could be trying to "see" who you are. It's a very big deal that you have had an baby with her husband. How could she not want to glean information where she can? I'm only guessing here but I think the wife could be trying to get an reaction from you so that you will say ok BS let's talk. She may very well think you can provide her a answers where her husband did not.

[Mayday2016]

Hi May, the betrayed wife could be trying to "see" who you are. It's a very big deal that you have had an baby with her husband. How could she not want to glean information where she can? I'm only guessing here but I think the wife could be trying to get an reaction from you so that you will say ok BS let's talk. She may very well think you can provide her a answers where her husband did not.

 

 

That's one thing she isn't getting. I don't react to her. When she showed up at my apartment I called my lawyer, when she texted I ignored, when she liked on Facebook I ignored, commented on Instagram I ignored. A lot of people here disagree with me not engaging with her but right now, she's not part of my equation or my daughter's. Right now xMM isn't even part of daughter's life. His lawyer and my lawyer have a phone conference next week, I'm curious what will be said. Until I know what he and his wife want, I'm staying quiet. I'm not engaging. Maybe it's the wrong approach but I need things clean on my end. I cannot afford more mess, I have a colicky 14 week old, a 3 year old, and a 5 year old I already have my hands full, I don't need a 37 year old potentially bipolar betrayed wife on my plate, too.