His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[Mayday2016]

Baby and I go next week to have her DNA test. Not sure when xMM will go but I'm doing everything I can on my end.

 

My lawyer said he will contact their lawyer due to his wife's repeated contact. so we shall see if he has a further response, he doesn't need to have one if it stops.

[MJJean]

Most likely BW and WH have been told to document Mayday's behavior, also. Fortunately for Mayday, she hasn't interacted with BW so BW has nothing to document. Mayday has been very wise in that regard.

 

I can see a very good reason for BW to send that letter. It establishes that they have an interest in the child and are willing to work with Mayday to co-parent. If state law would possibly allow Mayday to claim abandonment to deny visitation, that email shows that they did not abandon the child, but made an attempt and received no response from the mother. Which covers his azz for future court dates.

 

Mayday's refusal to respond to civil communication could be seen as her being unwilling to work with MM and BW.

[Mayday2016]

.

 

Mayday's refusal to respond to civil communication could be seen as her being unwilling to work with MM and BW.

 

 

This is the only email. She sent one other text over a month ago and then posted nasty things on Instagram. Not to mention she sat watching me and my kids outside of my house. The only thing that could be viewed as civil is this new email. But I had already established I want to communicate through lawyers which BW even addresses in the email. They know who my lawyer is, they could contact him asking for a sit down with me. But this isn't they. It's the BW. Our daughters actual father has not asked for her or to see her and BW did not mention xMM seeing the baby, just her.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I can see a very good reason for BW to send that letter. It establishes that they have an interest in the child and are willing to work with Mayday to co-parent. If state law would possibly allow Mayday to claim abandonment to deny visitation, that email shows that they did not abandon the child, but made an attempt and received no response from the mother. Which covers his azz for future court dates.

 

Mayday's refusal to respond to civil communication could be seen as her being unwilling to work with MM and BW.

 

Doesn't really matter what opinion any of us have as to what may constitute a logical reason for BW to contact OP.

 

OP's words and actions have indicated she doesn't want to be contacted by BW. BW needs to stay away from OP to be considered cooperative. She will soon learn that from her attorney, it seems.

 

No means no, always.

 

Mayday's refusal to engage with BW will be recognized for what it is, a young mother who is trying to work through the court system without complicating things by involvement with a betrayed wife until legal matters are settled.

 

I seriously doubt Mayday will be seen as uncooperative because she is proceeding according to the law and within the system.

Edited April 6, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[stillafool]

This is the only email. She sent one other text over a month ago and then posted nasty things on Instagram. Not to mention she sat watching me and my kids outside of my house. The only thing that could be viewed as civil is this new email. But I had already established I want to communicate through lawyers which BW even addresses in the email. They know who my lawyer is, they could contact him asking for a sit down with me. But this isn't they. It's the BW. Our daughters actual father has not asked for her or to see her and BW did not mention xMM seeing the baby, just her.

 

I think it's wrong for BS to post nasty things about you on Instagram. What exactly did she say? Also I didn't realize she has asked to see your baby. I don't think that is a wise move at this point either.

[Mayday2016]

Well I'm the one who initiated the paternity suit against MM when he tried to ghost our daughter. I'm obviously cooperating as I'm the one that had to chase HIM for money. He was the one expecting to walk off into the sunset as if nothing happened, expecting never to see the baby or have anything to do with her. I've been totally compliant. And I've chosen to speak through attorneys. This could be a crazy fricken case, I could have showed up at his work or house screaming and crying to support his affair baby. Instead I even offered to have my lawyer send all communication to his office, not his house, to keep the drama to a minimum. I don't want drama, I don't welcome it. I filed for CS because that was within my right of the law.

[LivingWaterPlease]

They know who my lawyer is, they could contact him asking for a sit down with me. But this isn't they. It's the BW. Our daughters actual father has not asked for her or to see her and BW did not mention xMM seeing the baby, just her.

 

 

I've been googling for information on the legal rights of a stepmom but so far have found little information other than that a stepmom has zero legal rights to a child. However, if there's an established relationship between stepmom and child the courts will take that into consideration when deciding what's in the child's best interest.

 

From this scanty information it seems the WH in this case would need to be interested in visitation for it to occur and that BW's desires for visitation with your child would mean little legally. Am sure your attorney will advise you when the time is right as to legalities in your state, though.

[Ms. Faust]

Step parents are considered strangers, legally. Technically it is all between the parents, but it would not surprise me one iota if this MM chooses to defer everything to his wife.

[Ms. Faust]

This is the only email. She sent one other text over a month ago and then posted nasty things on Instagram. Not to mention she sat watching me and my kids outside of my house. The only thing that could be viewed as civil is this new email. But I had already established I want to communicate through lawyers which BW even addresses in the email. They know who my lawyer is, they could contact him asking for a sit down with me. But this isn't they. It's the BW. Our daughters actual father has not asked for her or to see her and BW did not mention xMM seeing the baby, just her.

 

I thought she only posted one thing, and it did not strike me as nasty, more stating a fact.

[daisy69]

Wow, I am just tuning here. I am so sorry girl. You are one tough cookie! Very admirable. I hope things work out the best way. was he ever a d*c* like this with others?

[daisy69]

Yes, he is.

 

I didn't want to piss her off by not replying - I ****ing hate iMessage showing texts as read. This is what I said-

 

I'm going to be super direct. What are you looking for?

 

-- probably not a great response but I didn't lead her into any sort of answer and left it totally up to interpretation. It shows as delivered, when she responds I'll update the thread.

 

 

1. Settings

2. Messages

3. Turn off "send read receipts"

[Foreverago]

I don't want drama, I don't welcome it.

 

Op. You do realize a lot of your choices are the reason behind all the drama. I'm sure you didn't mean for the whole thing to be blowing up the way it is, I'm just a big fan of self reflection and seeing your own role in it and learning from past mistakes. You can't really claim not wanting drama now when it's been dramatic from the start.

 

I know you're exhausted and I don't mean to pick at you, I'm sure you are well aware of your role in this mess. But please, look at the things you are doing to contribute to the issues. What are you doing to help make this as easy as possible on yourself and what are you doing that's feeding in to it? Have you blocked her and privatized your accounts so other accounts can't troll your pages? Theres been pages of your focus on her being focused on you. It's pretty meaningless energy wasting when a simple move can cut it out.

 

How are your kids handling all of this? You have so much on your plate, I just hope they are feeling as secure as possible. I'm sorry your soon to be ex husband isn't handling his financial end of parenting. That's another huge stress that you are dealing with.

 

I wish you well, I truly do. But I also hope you get out of your own way and truly help stop the drama.

[Mayday2016]

Op. You do realize a lot of your choices are the reason behind all the drama. I'm sure you didn't mean for the whole thing to be blowing up the way it is, I'm just a big fan of self reflection and seeing your own role in it and learning from past mistakes. You can't really claim not wanting drama now when it's been dramatic from the start.

 

I know you're exhausted and I don't mean to pick at you, I'm sure you are well aware of your role in this mess. But please, look at the things you are doing to contribute to the issues. What are you doing to help make this as easy as possible on yourself and what are you doing that's feeding in to it? Have you blocked her and privatized your accounts so other accounts can't troll your pages? Theres been pages of your focus on her being focused on you. It's pretty meaningless energy wasting when a simple move can cut it out.

 

How are your kids handling all of this? You have so much on your plate, I just hope they are feeling as secure as possible. I'm sorry your soon to be ex husband isn't handling his financial end of parenting. That's another huge stress that you are dealing with.

 

I wish you well, I truly do. But I also hope you get out of your own way and truly help stop the drama.

 

 

 

They are completely unaffected and ignorant to everything. I've done my damndest for them not to know anything going on. I am keeping them blissfully unaware because they are children and they don't need to know any of the adult matters going on here. The only one who knows 'anything' is my eldest daughter who knows the baby doesn't share her Dad but she only brought it up once or twice so it's a non-issue.

 

And I privatized everything, deleted people off of Facebook, and deleted apps from my phone. I purged it all.

[Mayday2016]

As far as my ex husband, only my oldest daughter throws "fits" because I can't buy them extras. We are living below the bare minimum right now but my parents are taking us in right now until he starts fulfilling his monetary obligation so we're ok and surviving.

[georgia girl]

The level of scrutiny on both Mayday's actions and the BW's actions here is a little unwarranted. The court is not going to care - every one is still acting within the margin of error, so to speak. The BW is by no means stalking and for those who have ever experiencing real stalking or even harassment, there is a clear difference from what BW has done. Neither have Mayday's actions - including the lack of response to the BW - been out of line or jeopardize the proceedings. Mayday is clearly uncomfortable dealing with the wife and while she may eventually need to if there is shared custody or visitation, to be candid, there's no reason she needs to "get comfortable" right now. I think Mayday - if I am correct - you are trying to process a lot of hurt and disappointment while also trying to raise three children with absentee dads who are not paying child support at this moment. So, in all fairness, regardless of the wife's kind raprochment, Mayday is not in a place to be able to handle that. (And yes, I think it was kind - she was trying trying to find common ground by appealing to both of them as mothers. )

 

Mayday, continue to let things play out and keep posting here. But please take the extreme posts who on either side of the issue with a bit of a grain of salt. In your fragile state and with so many balls in the air at once, I fear that while we are speculating, you may be reading each post and taking them all to heart. If you are, your emotions could be taking a wild swing that I don't think is necessary. At the end of the day, no one will take your little girl from you and her father -'as well as the other children's father - will need to financially support their offspring.

 

Focus on the future - school, creating a happy and calm environment for your family and building your new life. Please don't give in to panic. The outcome is already largely assured. It's mere formalities from here to there:

[LivingWaterPlease]

As far as my ex husband, only my oldest daughter throws "fits" because I can't buy them extras. We are living below the bare minimum right now but my parents are taking us in right now until he starts fulfilling his monetary obligation so we're ok and surviving.

 

 

You're so fortunate that you have parents who're able to take you in! Can imagine it may take a little adjusting for you to live at home for awhile but, then, too, it seems there would be many benefits such as having help with your children.

[whatatangledweb]

Mayday, have you thought of going back to work? I know you have three kids to take care of. You can't be sure of when you will get money from your STBXH and the CS from MM won't take care of all of you. It just seems as though you need a steady amount of money coming in without waiting for deadbeats .

[ShatteredLady]

Would your family be able to take care of your kids while you work? They're such little ones. It's a lot to ask of someone. Earning enough money to cover childcare is difficult.

 

Remember I said that my friend worked in childcare so she got a big discount for her kids going there. She only had 2 & both out of diapers. I don't know if you would make enough NOW to do that.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Have you ever thought about chronicling your story? Or writing short articles? Maybe even temporarily...you never know where it could lead.

 

I was in a similar situation (financially and with young children) as you when my H left and I had always been a sahm. I began doing something special I love and was well-suited for, with the idea of it being temporary, and it blossomed into a career I'd never have expected.

 

Two things I've noticed as I've read your posts are that you seem to be consistent, you're an intelligent woman and a good writer. OK, well, three things, then.

 

But, seriously, why not consider writing or something you love that you can get started on right away, for awhile, anyway?

[sandylee1]

Step parents are considered strangers, legally. Technically it is all between the parents, but it would not surprise me one iota if this MM chooses to defer everything to his wife.

 

I'm not sure how this plays out in reality as I know many BSs who haven't wanted the new step parent (WSs new spouse) to be active in their child's life, but had no choice. Things like attending parent's evening at school, helping with homework, taking them shopping or to the doctors etc.

 

As much as the BSs have protested and hated it ..they could not do anything about it... and Mayday should be aware this could well be how the future looks with her daughter and the BW.

[Doublegold]

One would think if the BS cared for this infants well being at all (as has been debated here ad nauseum) she would of encouraged her Husband to get DNA testing like yesterday so he can start paying toward the support and well being of this innocent baby.

 

But that hasn't happened. Nothing has happened. So maybe we should stop wondering how people should act and feel and support the OP as best we can. Because right now that is the only SUPPORT she is gonna get, thanks to XMM and his advisors.

[Civil]

One would think if the BS cared for this infants well being at all (as has been debated here ad nauseum) she would of encouraged her Husband to get DNA testing like yesterday so he can start paying toward the support and well being of this innocent baby.

 

But that hasn't happened. Nothing has happened. So maybe we should stop wondering how people should act and feel and support the OP as best we can. Because right now that is the only SUPPORT she is gonna get, thanks to XMM and his advisors.

 

Per Mayday, the DNA test has been scheduled. And given the realities of the process, it didn't take all that long.

 

It's on XMM, not XMM and his advisors. As a fully functioning adult and a knowing actor in the situation, he is the only one who can assume responsibility for his actions. Where there is no authority, there is no responsibility. A betrayed spouse has no legal standing and, obviously, no control. His L or other advisors can only act on his orders.

[noelle303]

Per Mayday, the DNA test has been scheduled. And given the realities of the process, it didn't take all that long.

 

It's on XMM, not XMM and his advisors. As a fully functioning adult and a knowing actor in the situation, he is the only one who can assume responsibility for his actions. Where there is no authority, there is no responsibility. A betrayed spouse has no legal standing and, obviously, no control. His L or other advisors can only act on his orders.

 

I agree, it is all moving along fairly quickly. Quicker than me and XMM and he is fully cooperative and we are sorting everything through mediation.

 

Hang on May, it shouldn't take long to start recieving payments and as far as everything else goes, just take it day by day. I honestly wouldn't raise an issue about her liking your posts. In the grand scheme og things it doesn't really matter and just causes more drama. Ignore it.

[Doublegold]

Per Mayday, the DNA test has been scheduled. And given the realities of the process, it didn't take all that long.

 

It's on XMM, not XMM and his advisors. As a fully functioning adult and a knowing actor in the situation, he is the only one who can assume responsibility for his actions. Where there is no authority, there is no responsibility. A betrayed spouse has no legal standing and, obviously, no control. His L or other advisors can only act on his orders.

 

This thread was started late February. On March 29th Op wrote that MM agreed to a paternity test. My comment regarding BS was her concern and interest in meeting with OP to discuss the baby.

 

Court date is May. To quote OP: "I received notice that we have a date in mid May to get before the magistrate. I'm not sure if paternity will be established before this court date or after, when she can order it."

 

His advisors are his lawyers. The Courts are the Courts. My point being -- once it has gone into the Courts any conversation with BS is MUTE.

 

To quote Civil "And given the realities of the process, it didn't take all that long".

 

She is still waiting with NO SUPPORT. Easy for us to comment whilst OP is waiting on what some consider "a speedy process".

Edited April 8, 2016 by Doublegold

[Civil]

 

And I privatized everything, deleted people off of Facebook, and deleted apps from my phone. I purged it all.

 

Good move! Kik and apps like it were never for you, and this is a good time to recognize that it's very easy to become enmeshed in an unhealthy online culture. Bit by bit, behaviors that are more and more risky become familiar and are normalized, until, over time, almost anything can seem somehow desirable or at least acceptable. Even extremely damaging stuff. Like Ashley Madison. You also need to be sure that you're not operating according to primary emotional responses, without critically judging those feelings and the expected outcome. It's cognitive appraisal and it's essential.

 

But you're leaving bad judgement behind and getting on with the plan. You've mentioned your photography. That's a terribly overcrowded field. Lots of talented people are giving it away. But you can go after some validation and test your progress by putting a portfolio up on one of the stock photography sites. They doesn't pay much, but if it's existing work, it's like found money and it's an education.

 

Toward a real income, you might learn to code. Find a legit course and start now. One of my GDs wrote her first code. She's 7. Get there before she does, take an available job and work toward upgrades. Content providers aren't the best paying until you have serious experience and some project management skills, but the creative-adjacent situation may be of interest to you.

 

You can make a go of this. Please stay the course. Don't be distracted. Please.