His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[serial muse]

As far as visitation baby is nursing. Baby doesn't go longer than 2 hours without wanting to nurse again, even at night. She won't take a bottle. I plan on breastfeeding for 2 years so supervised visits couldn't be very long, if they happened at all right now. Maybe when she's 2 or 3 we can discuss visitation but not right now, she is too reliant upon me and my breasts.

 

But...ok, I don't see how this will wash. Breastfeeding doesn't stay every couple of hours that whole time. Sometime in the next few months you're going to start introducing soft then solid foods, etc. - and before too long, your baby will be well able to go for a much longer period of time without nursing.

 

It is odd to me that your lawyer would encourage you in this direction; if he's done this sort of litigation before, I'd think he would know that it doesn't make sense.

 

May, I was going to say what Ms. Faust said, up above - your former MM has made it clear he's not really interested in his older daughter, hasn't he? So it doesn't seem likely that he's staying away for fear of forming a bond.

 

If you want him to not have visitation, that's one thing. But it does start to sound like you're changing your mind based on the fact that you just don't want his wife around. But she's part of this equation. And she doesn't sound mentally ill from anything you've said here. It's pretty unethical for your therapist to tell you that a person she hasn't treated is mentally ill, not to mention your lawyer. I know you're sleep-deprived and have a lot on your plate, and I commend you for managing it all - but I do wonder whether at this point you're just hearing what you want to hear from these people on this front.

 

Seems to me that the simplest answer to what's going on here is that the former MM just isn't interested in the baby or in another emotional responsibility and would hide from it all if he could (and tried to), while his wife is intent on tackling things head-on, because she's concerned about how this complicated situation is going to affect her marriage and her child and just wants everything settled already.

[getsmartie]

I also agree what the others have recently said. How exactly did you want him to have visitation while you are still breast feeding? He would have to come to your home and it certainly sounds like you may want more from him other than him just getting to know daughter based on what you've previously written.

 

Also I don't see his wife behaving with any instability. On the contrary, she is reacting much better than other BS yet you keep throwing out how mentally unstable she is.

 

I feel for you because of your circumstances however when you play with fire well you know what can happen.

 

I've never been involved with a MM and frankly have no desire for that. I have been a BS however and I can tell you that this woman is behaving quite fine based on the pain of her cheating husband has caused. Put yourself in her shoes.

[georgia girl]

Mayday,

 

Just my observations, but some of the advice from the attorney doesn't exactly wash with me. He my be hoping for and pushing for MM to pay his fees as you really don't have the means right now, but there's no reason why MM or his attorney would agree to that. You and he were unmarried (actually married to others) and came to court to litigate an issue of parentage with you as the petitioner and he as the respondent. I can't see where there would be some sort of judgment that due to MM's neglect or willful misconduct that the matter came to the court, putting you as the petitioner in an unreasonable position of having to pay legal fees. Why he's suggesting it is beyond me, but I could be missing some detail here.

 

As for the issue of visitation, MM is not requesting it so its not a legal issue for the court (or magistrate) to decide. However, if the matter did come before the court, the natural parent has a natural, inherent right to his/her child in a manner that won't harm the child. What does that mean? It likely means that the judge would order you to provide him visitation and that you make whatever arrangements for feeding as appropriate, including providing breast milk if you as the custodial parent insist on it. I also can't see - or wonder why the attorney would even give you advice to suggest - that his visitation would be so severely limited. As an infant, he may not order overnights, but he may also very well do so. The fact of the matter before the court (if he were petitioning for custody or visitation) is that one natural parent who is married, has a home and another toddler/child in the home who is cared for without state intervention is requesting visitation, the judge would have no reason to deny it. As far as your dispute against the wife would be concerned, you would have to prove to the court that she's unstable and what you've shared with us wouldn't even be admissible at this point, let alone proof of inability to care for the child. That alone wouldn't cause the judge to deny visitation with the father and spouse, by the way. The father would just have to prove to the court that he would protect the child while in his custody.

 

The final issue is the amount of child support. That is formulaic. I'm not sure what your attorney is looking for but even if its not stipulated beforehand, one takes the tax returns, calculates child support and its over. It's not a negotiating tactic. He probably wants to begin paying now because he will be required to pay back to the date of filing and it would be a large sum of money to come up with at once. As for paying for college, no it's not a legal right for an adult child (which a child becomes at age 18) to require a parent to pay for college. We actually had a case in my state where the child who was estranged from her married parents tried to sue them to pay for college. They had disagreed with her choice of college and wouldn't pay. They won, but the judge admonished all for their behaviors. So, I would NOT expect a college fund and I would expect support to end at age 18.

 

Mayday, I have to agree with the others. I think a part of your heart still wants him back and you are hoping against hope that this legal action will provide you and he an opportunity to be alone with your daughter and bond as a family. For your own sake, I genuinely don't think that's going to happen and that is where I take issue with your therapist. He/she should be working with you to take actionable steps to heal and begin building a future for yourself and your children.

 

While this post may seem harsh, I actually intended it to be matter of fact so that you can move on. You largely won here. When you posted about this initially, you wanted three things: 1) for him to have a relationship with his daughter; 2) for him to pay child support and 3) for his wife to not have interaction with your daughter. In all honesty, you could never get all three. If they stay together, she is the stepparent and as long as he has natural rights to his child, he can bring anyone around his child as he pleases as long as he keeps the child safe. So, you weren't going to get 1 and 3. The best you could have hoped for is 1 and 2 or 2 and 3. You got 2 and 3. You will be able to provide for your baby and you won't need to deal with MM's wife, if you don't want to. But as others have said, if you do want him to have a relationship with her, then you're going to have to give up on 3 and work with her - she's the only one reaching out - and through her he will have that relationship.

 

But you won, Mayday. You will have the support for your little girl. Now, focus on pushing through the divorce and I hope, finding some sort of employment or training to become independent.

[georgia girl]

Forgot to add that I do think the magistrate will order MM to pay for the paternity testing. That's pretty standard. If he was not the natural father, you would be required to pay for it. But as it's obvious he is the natural father, he will likely pay for it. The state (through the court) is the payer of last resort. If someone else has the means and its through their action that the testing is ordered, they typically have to pay.

[Poppy47]

May

 

I still cannot understand why you want you child to have contact with this man.

I said at the beginning of the thread that it is potentially emotionally damaging for her.

 

He obviously does not want her involved in his family life. It is hard to know what his wife wants but there could be hostility and resentment on her part. It would be like putting your child in an unknown war zone for visitations.

 

By all means, make sure he pays every cent of child support that he is liable for. He appears willing to do that much.

 

You cannot force him or his wife to accept her into their family.They are probably going through some kind of hell at the moment too.

 

Maybe one day they will come to terms with this situation. It might be never. It will be your responsiblity to raise her and educate her. You must look after yourself too.

 

My best wishes are with you.

Poppy.

[Ms. Faust]

My lawyer doesn't want to agree to the support amount just yet. He wants to investigate a bit more before he accepts a number, I guess, he wasn't very clear.

 

May, Georgia brings up an excellent point about the CS. You yourself can see how much CS you will be getting. You seem pretty privy to your exMM's finances. Did he tell you how much he makes in a year? You can do a google search for your state's calculator.

 

Google "*name of state* child support calculator". Your lawyer doesn't accept a number, it's calculated.

 

If you don't know your xMM's income since he is in academia you can google that, too.

Edited April 13, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[georgia girl]

I forgot to clarify one point. When parents divorce, the court can order college expenses as part of the divorce agreement. However, The courts are pretty explicit (in general) about unmarried parents, particularly when they have never been custodial parents together and they typically do not order college expenses for the non-custodial parent. I know. It seems unfair. If it makes you feel better, courts also don't typically order married parents to provide college expenses. The carve out really comes in the case of divorced parents where the courts are saying that due to the change in financial status as a result of the dissolution of the marriage, the custodial can request college expenses and obligate the non-custodial so that the child's future is not harmed.

 

Sorry! Hugs, GG

[bathtub-row]

I say again that two years of breastfeeding seems really excessive to me. Also I don't see how you could expect the dad to have any kind of relationship with his child if you're putting this kind of restriction on things. Not trying to be mean but it seems like you want one thing while your actions contradict that.

 

It's almost like you're doing the breastfeeding thing to get back at him. With 3 kids to deal with on your own, I think I'd do what I could to get each child as independent as possible.

[whichwayisup]

I say again that two years of breastfeeding seems really excessive to me. Also I don't see how you could expect the dad to have any kind of relationship with his child if you're putting this kind of restriction on things. Not trying to be mean but it seems like you want one thing while your actions contradict that.

 

It's almost like you're doing the breastfeeding thing to get back at him. With 3 kids to deal with on your own, I think I'd do what I could to get each child as independent as possible.

 

Many kids reject the boob way before turning 2. And they want solid food, especially since your baby has siblings she will want what the others are eating, not just breast milk.

 

You not allowing him visitation alone for 2 years is unreasonable, also you'll be limiting your life and what you can/can't do for so long. That means you can never get a baby sitter since your baby is breast feeding, you can't have a break longer than 2 hours.

[wmacbride]

Many kids reject the boob way before turning 2. And they want solid food, especially since your baby has siblings she will want what the others are eating, not just breast milk.

 

You not allowing him visitation alone for 2 years is unreasonable, also you'll be limiting your life and what you can/can't do for so long. That means you can never get a baby sitter since your baby is breast feeding, you can't have a break longer than 2 hours.

 

true enough.

how will you be able to get a job or go back to school if you have to nurse every two hours? it's one thing when she's an infant, but quite another when she's a toddler.

[ChickiePops]

Also, he didn't want the baby in the first place..so it's not really fair for you to try to force him into that role. You chose for both of you AND for your daughter and now you're upset that he didn't just fall in line with what you wanted.

 

I agree that if he was stupid enough to have unprotected sex with you, he should pay child support. But knocking someone up does not make a man a father, it makes him a sperm donor. He gets to choose whether or not to be a parent just like you did.

[velvette]

I agree your child will be better served if you go back to school or find a job rather than nursing her for two years, but that's up to you.

 

 

Couple things I wanted to point out to you. Medical Insurance is usually an add on to child support in many states. So, if exMM has better health insurance that what you have, you should ask for that. He probably has health insurance via his employer that he can just add your child onto.

 

 

Also, to make you aware, some universities offer free or discounted tuition to children/relatives of their employees. I don't know how often this is true, but something you might want to have your lawyer look into and if available to your daughter stipulated to.

 

 

Finally, I would ask for a term life insurance policy to cover child support until the child is 18. Term life insurance is cheap. He may even be able to just increase what he already has to to a life changing event. If he doesn't want to do that he could still buy a policy pretty cheap privately. If he dies young, no child support.....so good reason to ask for a life insurance policy in place where your child or you as the guardian of your child is the beneficiary.

 

 

With regard to visitation and his wifes mental stability, I would just let this go until/if he asks for visitation. If this issue is raised, it will be up to a judge. More than likely he/she will just order psychriatric evaluation for her and maybe all three of you.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Hey there, Mayday!

 

Just checking in with you to give you a high five! Have read your posts (no time to read posts of others) and am so glad to continue to see your good judgment and stability as you process these issues!

 

You are right on track and I continue to be impressed with your perspective and the way you're handling things. You're doing very well in your circumstances.

 

Glad your therapist and attorney are both giving you good advice as experts are prone to do, too!

 

Your attitude continues to be superb!

 

Have wanted to check in with you and post a message all day but am up to my neck in work and the day's not over yet!

 

One little thing, in your place I'd not be concerned about breast feeding your baby according to how it will affect possible visitation. I'd probably just nurse her according to your judgment on what's best for her. Know you'll probably end up doing that anyway!

 

Hope your baby is sleeping well so that you can get some rest, too! Makes such a difference to have adequate rest, as you know!

 

Wishing you a good night!

[sandylee1]

Many kids reject the boob way before turning 2. And they want solid food, especially since your baby has siblings she will want what the others are eating, not just breast milk.

 

You not allowing him visitation alone for 2 years is unreasonable, also you'll be limiting your life and what you can/can't do for so long. That means you can never get a baby sitter since your baby is breast feeding, you can't have a break longer than 2 hours.

 

Plus you won't have the freedom of finding a new relationship either. It might be the last thing on your mind.. but you do need to socialise with others or you'll get overwhelmed and go crazy.

[Mayday2016]

Plus you won't have the freedom of finding a new relationship either. It might be the last thing on your mind.. but you do need to socialise with others or you'll get overwhelmed and go crazy.

 

 

 

I didn't have personal relationships in my marriage and xMM was my only personal relationship. I wouldn't even know how to

Manage a friendship at this point in my life. I have three children, having friends is sort of the last thing I could manage, let alone dating. I don't meet people in a traditional sense very often. I like nursing, I like providing that for my daughter, it makes me feel like I'm the chaos of everything else at least I'm providing her with the best doctor recommended nourishment.

[Sub]

I think it would be good for your kids to see you foster some sort of friendships or relationships. Go to the park. Meet other parents. Set up play dates. I was kind of a SAHD for a while, and I made a handful of friendships for myself and my son by doing just that. And not to be flip: but if you could manage dating and having an A with the MM when you had two kids, you can start up a casual friendship with someone with three. Who knows? You may make a connection with someone that really helps you out down the line.

[noelle303]

I didn't have personal relationships in my marriage and xMM was my only personal relationship. I wouldn't even know how to

Manage a friendship at this point in my life. I have three children, having friends is sort of the last thing I could manage, let alone dating. I don't meet people in a traditional sense very often. I like nursing, I like providing that for my daughter, it makes me feel like I'm the chaos of everything else at least I'm providing her with the best doctor recommended nourishment.

 

I understand and I think none of us would suggest that you cease breastfeeding. We are just trying to help you understand that the baby won't be attached to your boob for the next two or three years and you shouldn't make plans according to that.

 

I breastfed exclusively for the first six months, after that I started introducing solids and I also went back to work so she drank pumped milk while I was gone. I still breastfed, but it was slowly decreasing until she weaned herself of at one.

 

Many women go back to work after having a baby, some even sooner than me. And all of them make it work and still breastfeed/pump.

 

My point is, there is no reason why you can't have some sort of a social life while still breastfeeding and there is no reason why the baby can't go for visits, be it at her father's or a babysitter/relative.

 

Humans are social beings and we all need other people in one form or another. Your children would also benefit largely from other people in their life, as long as they remain your priority.

[ChickiePops]

I didn't have personal relationships in my marriage and xMM was my only personal relationship. I wouldn't even know how to

Manage a friendship at this point in my life. I have three children, having friends is sort of the last thing I could manage, let alone dating. I don't meet people in a traditional sense very often. I like nursing, I like providing that for my daughter, it makes me feel like I'm the chaos of everything else at least I'm providing her with the best doctor recommended nourishment.

 

I don't think anyone is criticizing you for nursing..I think they're saying that your daughter won't need to nurse every few hours for more than a few months, and also that she will need other sources of nourishment along with it, so your argument for why your daughter can't go visit her father away from you (should this scenario ever come up) will be moot after a short period of time.

[sandylee1]

I didn't have personal relationships in my marriage and xMM was my only personal relationship. I wouldn't even know how to

Manage a friendship at this point in my life. I have three children, having friends is sort of the last thing I could manage, let alone dating. I don't meet people in a traditional sense very often. I like nursing, I like providing that for my daughter, it makes me feel like I'm the chaos of everything else at least I'm providing her with the best doctor recommended nourishment.

 

 

Maybe you could take your son and the baby to a toddler group when the oldest is at school. That way you can meet other moms and your little boy will get to play as well.

 

You'll find other moms have infant babies as well. You can just chat with them and watch the kids play. It's usually for a couple of hours . Most of the people at these groups are very friendly and welcoming too.

 

I think it would do you good. Some weeks you'll feel tired or just not be able to get out of the house.... but give it a try.

 

You can also look at online support groups for single parents in your area as well.

 

The last thing you need is to isolate yourself or you'll become depressed.

[ShatteredLady]

I moved from Europe too USA. If you search "Mom's Club" & your area you'll find them. I'm shy. It was so hard for me to walk in the first time! The ladies who run these things are so nice & friendly.

 

I've got health problems so I couldn't do a lot of the activities. They completely understood. I quickly made good friends & we mostly hung out together. Wouldn't you love to have a friend to chat to? A friend to help you at times? It's invaluable.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Mayday, good morning! It's a new day here and though I don't know of your time zone it may possibly be a new day where you live, too!

 

Wow! It's a day for you to wake up, no matter how you may feel (or how many times you've been awakened during the night ), and know that three beautiful little ones love you and thrive when seeing your smile.

 

Three fresh little faces await the love of their mommy! You are surrounded by love in the best presentation of love that exists! You are building a solid life that will bless you all of your days as you give these little ones your best!

 

My best to you today, Mayday2016! Grab this day and run with it!

 

(PS When you have three little ones and you sometimes even slowly put one foot in front of the other, that is grabbing the day and running with it!)

 

(((((Mayday2016andthreelittlebeauties!!!)))))

[heartwhole]

I think the mom club suggestions are good. Interaction with other children is just as important as breastfeeding, so get yourself on out there.

 

When my oldest was a toddler, I went on the local "mommies" forum and found a playdate at the park. I am an introvert and I was really not excited to go to a random park and be like, "Hi! Are you from the Mommies group?" But I did it, and they were nice and normal (we even went out for dinner and Margaritas right after), and then I wound up in several playgroups as a result. I've always tried to approach child-rearing as my "job" and fill in the days of the week with regular activities . . . story time at the library, music and movement class, a playgroup, the park, etc. Routine is good for everyone.

 

You mentioned a sister . . . does she live close? Emotional support and social interaction is important for you too. It sounds like your ex-H discouraged you from having a social life, and maybe now it's hard to break out of that inertia with everything you've got on your plate. But everyone needs a community. Can you think of one or two people or activities or groups you could invest a little time and effort into? Have you talked about this with your IC? Any good suggestions?

[georgia girl]

Mayday,

 

Can I join the chorus of people recommending you find a playgroup/mom's support? I do think you are at risk for depression and isolation just makes that risk so much more significant. Especially right now when you are facing this final loss of MM. You loved him deeply and this loss is profound and complicated by his lack of interest in your daughter. A mom's group will give you a chance to build valuable friendships and outlets for you and your children. Additionally, the friendships you will form may allow you to share some free babysitting.

 

As for nursing, you do what is good for you and her. Like many, I think nursing exclusively after six months is difficult and most people end nursing by a year. However, it is your daughter and you need to choose what it is you want to do to raise her. Just please don't make a decision regarding nursing in an attempt to maintain some sort of potential link back to MM, which is what I am afraid you are doing. This is about you and her and your other children. He no longer gets a spot or accommodation.

 

You are doing okay, Mayday. No one expects you to be perfect. This is a lot to navigate on your own. Take heart and explore options to make friends and regain your life.

[Adoraxx]

Hi May, I just wanted to say that I applaud you for wanting to nurse your little one for the amount of time that you mentioned . It's what I have always done too and I treasure those moments . Much love, Adoraxx

[LivingWaterPlease]

Hi May! A lot going on here but wanted to check in with you first and wish you a great day before heading out!

 

The playgroup idea sounds as if it would be a good way to make new friends.

Do you have an idea of how to find a good playgroup that both you and your kids would enjoy being part of?

 

Looking forward to your updates and wishing you the best day!