His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[Mayday2016]

Baby and I did our test. Not sure when MM will do his. Have not heard from anyone, it's been very quiet. The realities are starting to set in, I'm dealing with a lot of complex emotions and the last 2 days have been crying quite a bit which I haven't done since she was a couple weeks old. She turned 16 weeks Monday. I'm just not having a great week so far and hoping these emotions subside so I can continue to push forward. I have been thinking a lot about MM and I can't seem to find a way to channel my thoughts in other directions, I don't like this stretch of time very much.

 

Not sure when we'll get paternity results, it doesn't matter, even xMM admits she's his. His lawyer told my lawyer she's "sorry for making your client go through testing, it's just standard protocol" and my lawyer was his usual self, "she doesn't mind, she's compliant and can handle pretty much anything" at least my own lawyer has faith I can get through this when lately I've been doubting myself.

[whichwayisup]

Why are you doubting yourself? In what way? You're strong, have support from your mom, you know what you're doing as you have other kids so it's not like you're a first time mom with no experience or confidence.

 

When it comes to exMM, are you grieving that loss or missing him/wanting him to be involved? Maybe I'm wrong but if you're still clinging to the idea of him being a father and involved please let go of that fantasy as it's just going to hurt you more. Accept things as they are now, (easier said than done obviously) and don't let all this take away the peace and beauty of your little girl.

[Mayday2016]

Why are you doubting yourself? In what way? You're strong, have support from your mom, you know what you're doing as you have other kids so it's not like you're a first time mom with no experience or confidence.

 

When it comes to exMM, are you grieving that loss or missing him/wanting him to be involved? Maybe I'm wrong but if you're still clinging to the idea of him being a father and involved please let go of that fantasy as it's just going to hurt you more. Accept things as they are now, (easier said than done obviously) and don't let all this take away the peace and beauty of your little girl.

 

 

I don't know if I'm grieving and if I am I don't know what it is I'm grieving. The thing is I'm accepting him not wanting visitation at all. He doesn't even want to play house with our daughter just him and his wife, he wants nothing. I feel so horrible for my daughter that this is the life I've given her.

 

I had a dream about mm last night. We were all on a family vacation. Him, his wife, me, our kids, friends etc. one night he disappeared. I briefly saw him naked and kissing a naked woman that wasn't his wife and when I went to find him I couldn't find him. I found his phone, wallet, and clothes but not him. Then I woke up. All day this has been screwing with my head, it was so vivid and it actually hurt me. I must not be over him, I want to be, I need to be for baby's sake but how do I stop things like a dream from happening? How do I stop my subconscious from dwelling?

[georgia girl]

Mayday,

 

I think you are doing really well. You are bound to have sad times and days after prolific dreams like that are going to mess with you. But you ARE healing and I have seen some of your posts on other threads. You are offering good advice to other with the clarity that comes from the "affair fog" lifting.

 

It's going to hurt, but your attorney was correct. You can handle anything!

[whichwayisup]

I don't know if I'm grieving and if I am I don't know what it is I'm grieving. The thing is I'm accepting him not wanting visitation at all. He doesn't even want to play house with our daughter just him and his wife, he wants nothing. I feel so horrible for my daughter that this is the life I've given her.

 

I had a dream about mm last night. We were all on a family vacation. Him, his wife, me, our kids, friends etc. one night he disappeared. I briefly saw him naked and kissing a naked woman that wasn't his wife and when I went to find him I couldn't find him. I found his phone, wallet, and clothes but not him. Then I woke up. All day this has been screwing with my head, it was so vivid and it actually hurt me. I must not be over him, I want to be, I need to be for baby's sake but how do I stop things like a dream from happening? How do I stop my subconscious from dwelling?

 

Honestly, I don't think you're over him at all. It wasn't that long ago you were 'with' him so you do need to really grieve and close your heart to him. And it's okay to grieve the dream of him being a father and involved. For now, it's best to work through those emotions and be positive. NO MORE of feeling horrible, these are the cards you've been dealt with and just know that whatever life you have with your daughter and other kids will be fine. With or without him.

 

Can't stop dreams from happening, just don't let them ruin your progress of pushing forward.

[heartwhole]

I have a theory that we work out some of our hard emotions when we're asleep, especially if we're ignoring them during the day.

 

This is all so much. You have been so strong, and I know you will continue to be. But it's OK to hurt too. You said in the beginning of this thread that you still loved him and hoped your daughter would be a link. You're realizing that that probably won't be the case now, and the legal process is coming to a close. It makes sense that you have much to grieve now.

 

Be kind to yourself. Journal. Talk to loved ones. There's no way to turn this off or stuff it in a box. You must allow your sorrow the time and space to be heard and let go bit by bit.

[Ms. Faust]

Every time I dream about my ex husband it's a freaking nightmare. No joke. I wake up in a panic, and then realize I haven't been with the guy for over 7 years, and I have a new baby. It's quite annoying, but I can relate.

 

Mayday, at least you are a step closer to getting things done! I am sorry he is not wanting time with his daughter, but unfortunately while it is the woman's choice to have a child, it is the father's choice on whether or not he wants to parent said child.

[Joie]

I think you are going to be just fine in the end. I believe you said the father to your older children is not involved either. Now you guys can be a great family of four. You won't have to worry about weekends or holidays and who goes where. You can all be together. Hang in there.

[Girlfromcali]

I don't know if I'm grieving and if I am I don't know what it is I'm grieving. The thing is I'm accepting him not wanting visitation at all. He doesn't even want to play house with our daughter just him and his wife, he wants nothing. I feel so horrible for my daughter that this is the life I've given her.

 

I had a dream about mm last night. We were all on a family vacation. Him, his wife, me, our kids, friends etc. one night he disappeared. I briefly saw him naked and kissing a naked woman that wasn't his wife and when I went to find him I couldn't find him. I found his phone, wallet, and clothes but not him. Then I woke up. All day this has been screwing with my head, it was so vivid and it actually hurt me. I must not be over him, I want to be, I need to be for baby's sake but how do I stop things like a dream from happening? How do I stop my subconscious from dwelling?

 

You love your baby, she has you and that's the main thing. You don't have to stop your subconscious, nor do you have to be over him right now.

You cannot be over him until you're over him, nor can you force yourself to not feel something, It's totally normal and it's o.k, and you will have ups and downs. You don't need to hurry, take your time. Concentrate on daily things with your baby, she lives in the moment. Don't rush, take time, take care of yourself.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Mayday, no matter what your emotions are, train your mind to face the fact that you're better off without exMM and allow your mind to think on that fact each time thoughts of him enter your mind. This is a first step to begin changing your mind. You might also write out a list of why he's not good, not only for you, but for any woman.

 

From all you've written he seems like a soulless wimp to me that wouldn't be a benefit to your daughter at this time, no offense, please!

 

Now, here's something tangible you can do to help your emotions mend, to feel better and to benefit your little family.

 

Get moving in the sunshine.

 

Get outside and walk in the beautiful spring weather. Bundle up baby if it's still cool where you are and if not just put her in a stroller and walk for thirty minutes to an hour each day.

 

If you have a toddler you might want to think about trying to find a double stroller (if you can't afford new, look for a used one) if you don't have one, just so that you can all walk together out of doors together. Every one of you will be better for it.

 

It will have a big impact on your mental state, your well being and your children's emotions, too.

[2016forme]

XMM's wife texted me.

 

"I am wondering if you have any interest in meeting with me to talk about all of this."

 

What do I do? Do I respond? Do I meet her? I'm in preservation mode right now but her world was blown open by learning he had a baby and that the woman he had a baby with (me) filed for child support. I am still in love with this woman's husband so I'm torn on further hurting him even though he destroyed me.

 

I don't know if he gave her my number, I used to run a small business so it's attached to my Facebook profile so I don't know if she got it that way.

 

Help me guys, please.

 

First ask yourself are you really in love with someone else husband just because you had a child together? I mean this is really serious cause you had a child with your MM. So are you sure you are in love with MM even though he destroyed you?

 

Next, you have to think about the safety and well being of your child. His wife may be floored and devastated that her husband had a child with another woman. It literally hit her like a ton of bricks. Did you have the child before he married his wife or while they are still married?

 

I would not trust meeting his wife privately like that. If you are going to meet the wife, the best thing is to meet in a public place and bring someone you trust as a witness. Good luck.

[2016forme]

I don't know if I'm grieving and if I am I don't know what it is I'm grieving. The thing is I'm accepting him not wanting visitation at all. He doesn't even want to play house with our daughter just him and his wife, he wants nothing. I feel so horrible for my daughter that this is the life I've given her.

 

I had a dream about mm last night. We were all on a family vacation. Him, his wife, me, our kids, friends etc. one night he disappeared. I briefly saw him naked and kissing a naked woman that wasn't his wife and when I went to find him I couldn't find him. I found his phone, wallet, and clothes but not him. Then I woke up. All day this has been screwing with my head, it was so vivid and it actually hurt me. I must not be over him, I want to be, I need to be for baby's sake but how do I stop things like a dream from happening? How do I stop my subconscious from dwelling?

 

You don't want to be infatuated with your MM anymore even though you two have a child together. It's too bad that he's not taking things seriously and accepting the fact that you have a child together. No matter how much denial he and his wife may be in, nothing will change the fact that there is another innocent individual who is involved in this mess.Someone like him needs to face the music and grow up for a change. I feel your pain in having to raise your child with an absent father. The fact that your MM is in denial will only make the future worse for your child. Fatherhood is forever.

[sandylee1]

I think you are going to be just fine in the end. I believe you said the father to your older children is not involved either. Now you guys can be a great family of four. You won't have to worry about weekends or holidays and who goes where. You can all be together. Hang in there.

 

Yes I agree with this. Imagine how hurtful it would be for your older kids as they grown up, seeing their sister's dad involved in her life, but their own dad not involved in their lives. They'd see their sister going off with dad and getting new stuff which they may not have.

I've known this to cause a sibling divide and make the kids with the absent father resentful and jealous of the other one.

 

These things do affect kids as they grow up... The sense of abandonment can have long lasting effects and lead to poor choices later on in life.

 

Do your XHs family have anything to do with your older two? It's such a shame if they have no connection to their paternal side. How parents just abandon their children like your XH has is just terrible.

 

Keep with the mindset of you and the children only and look for good qualities in future partners. .... a cheater isn't one of those qualities you want as a father for your child.

[Ms. Faust]

Yeah, I am honestly kind of curious how some things happened. Mayday already mentioned several times that she moved to OM's state to be near him. I don't understand how she was able to take the children.

 

While in the process of a divorce the parents can move anywhere, but the children cannot. Usually if a parent moves out of state with the kids the courts will issue an order for the children to return to the home state.

 

It's odd she was able to move with the kids and the husband did not ask the courts to force their return. What is even more strange is her ex husband's attorney did not get the ball rolling on that immediately.

 

But in context of this thread I suppose that is neither here nor there.

Edited April 21, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[Mayday2016]

Yeah, I am honestly kind of curious how some things happened. Mayday already mentioned several times that she moved to OM's state to be near him. I don't understand how she was able to take the children.

 

While in the process of a divorce the parents can move anywhere, but the children cannot. Usually if a parent moves out of state with the kids the courts will issue an order for the children to return to the home state.

 

It's odd she was able to move with the kids and the husband did not ask the courts to force their return. What is even more strange is her ex husband's attorney did not get the ball rolling on that immediately.

 

But in context of this thread I suppose that is neither here nor there.

 

I moved to mm's town (not state) about 90 mins from where I was living. My exH lives in a completely different state on the other side of the country. Doesn't see his kids nor does he call them. He doesn't care what happens to them as long as he feels he still has a modicum of control over me.

[Mayday2016]

 

Do your XHs family have anything to do with your older two? It's such a shame if they have no connection to their paternal side. How parents just abandon their children like your XH has is just terrible.

 

Keep with the mindset of you and the children only and look for good qualities in future partners. .... a cheater isn't one of those qualities you want as a father for your child.

 

 

Exh's parents are divorced. Mom lives in one state, dad in the other. His mother has met the kids once and his dad not at all. His mother removed me off of her Facebook but oddly has my exH live-in girlfriend listed on her 'family' list and has commented on her photos that she's going to give her son all of my exH old toys and things... Mind you he has a 3 year old biological son with me. His family is not really a family at all. He has one brother in and out of jail for drugs who has had a few different kids with different drug user girls. All my kids know are my family and my parents are getting up there in years and my sister lives 1200 miles away.

[ChickiePops]

I moved to mm's town (not state) about 90 mins from where I was living. My exH lives in a completely different state on the other side of the country. Doesn't see his kids nor does he call them. He doesn't care what happens to them as long as he feels he still has a modicum of control over me.

 

So basically your ex husband is exactly the same as the ex MM...

 

Perhaps it's time to look into why you choose men like this...

[sandylee1]

Exh's parents are divorced. Mom lives in one state, dad in the other. His mother has met the kids once and his dad not at all. His mother removed me off of her Facebook but oddly has my exH live-in girlfriend listed on her 'family' list and has commented on her photos that she's going to give her son all of my exH old toys and things... Mind you he has a 3 year old biological son with me. His family is not really a family at all. He has one brother in and out of jail for drugs who has had a few different kids with different drug user girls. All my kids know are my family and my parents are getting up there in years and my sister lives 1200 miles away.

 

I just don't understand how grandparents never meet their grandchildren... at least your kids have one set of loving grandparents.

 

Your STBXH is from a very dysfunctional family indeed. Did you get a sense of what they were like before you got married?

 

I know a lot of people have the view of not being bothered about the parent in laws or other family members ... but the family and upbringing has an awful lot to do with who we become as people later on in life. You get an idea of their morals and values and decide if you want to be a part of that family.

 

It's always worth seeing the type of home and family your intended spouse comes from.

[Mayday2016]

We go to court in a few days.

 

I have been working with my therapist and he has had me envisioning seeing xMM. Envisioning how I will feel- much like the group of basketball players- one group was given a ball to practice with and the other were told to envision practicing with a ball.. end of the story was they had the two teams group up at the end and throw free throws, well the group that envisioned throwing the ball did better... so that's what he's had me trying to do. Envisioning how I will feel. Practicing not welling up with tears, practice not feeling afraid. Practice not locking eyes will him.

 

I'm scared. I'm hurt. Some emotions have started to surface I've had a hard time dealing with. Finally the anger is starting to present itself. I want to scream at him and that is not my character; I'm not a woman that screams at people. But I want to curse him and hit him for abandoning baby. She is a joy. She laughs now! She has just started and it's squeaky and high pitched and so adorable. She'll be 20 weeks on Monday and xMM last saw her when she was 6 weeks old.

 

I have not heard from him, nor his wife but the last time I was in town at my apartment his wife just happened to drive by as I was bringing groceries into the house. I ignored and just went back inside. She will finally sate her curiosity next week. I'm scared. Scared of seeing her hold his hand and hang all over him. My therapst said to expect that, expect her to put on a show to put on an act that she and him are united against me. That I am the bad influence here and that this woman will try and make me feel low. She will try to hurt me. He told me to expect the worst, that way I am prepared.

 

Baby and I took our DNA tests, I don't know if he has as I have not received the results in the mail, I hope he did as if he didn't I will have to wait even longer until the magistrate orders me to receive child support.

 

Next week the quiet fantasy bubble baby and I have been living in will be burst and I will find out if he does or does not want to be an active participant in her life. I am hoping for both yet neither circumstances. If that makes sense.

[Adoraxx]

Dear Mayday,

I'll be praying for lots of strength for you!!!!! I can imagine that this is going to be very hard for you but you can do it and I hope you know that you've lots of supporters here. Big hugs!!! Adoraxx

[georgia girl]

Mayday,

 

That day will likely set you back and make you grieve all over again and I am so sorry you have to go through that. However, when it's over, you may actually feel a little relieved. No, there won't be further opportunities for contact with him, but yes, your life will be calm and you can have some peace. The emotional upheavals will end. You can then enjoy your children and the joys they bring you. You can focus on your life and building your calm, safe space.

 

I have one more piece of advice, if you find it valuable. Plan a "treat" of something for yourself for after the court hearing. Something solely for you. It doesn't have to be expensive or grand, it can be something simple. But, plan it for after so when you are there and have to deal with all of that awfulness, you can look forward to "X" as a way to distract yourself.

 

You are strong, Mayday. You found the strength to move on even when you didn't want to. You are a parent to three children by yourself with no fathers to help share the work. You have made your way forward with little resources and after suffering a terrible loss. This will be hard, but you have already faced the worst. This will also be your chance to show your strength. Prove to him, to her, to the judge, to both attorneys that you are a woman of strength and dignity. It doesn't matter what anyone wants to think, you are Mayday... And she is a good person.

 

Take care. For your sake, I hope it finally ends this week so you can heal.

[S2B]

Try thinking of it as a business transaction for your child. It's a matter of getting him to pay for what the child is owed.

 

I doubt he will make effort to see the child through the years - given the last 14 weeks he hasn't.

 

You can tell the courts that the child support should be based on no visitation since he hasn't been spending any time with your daughter. That should award you more money each month.

 

Seems like the Mm and his wife want to pretend you don't exist in their world - and if that's the case they will still owe money to help support your daughter. Don't allow them to bargain for any lesser amount.

[stillafool]

 

I'm scared. Scared of seeing her hold his hand and hang all over him. My therapst said to expect that, expect her to put on a show to put on an act that she and him are united against me. That I am the bad influence here and that this woman will try and make me feel low. She will try to hurt me. He told me to expect the worst, that way I am prepared.

 

 

 

I really feel your therapist was wrong to say the above. He has no grounds to say this to you plus it just feeds your fears. It isn't so much that they are united against you as they are a married couple. There's nothing she can do to hurt you.

[georgia girl]

I really feel your therapist was wrong to say the above. He has no grounds to say this to you plus it just feeds your fears. It isn't so much that they are united against you as they are a married couple. There's nothing she can do to hurt you.

 

I agree. The therapist shouldn't have made MM's wife out to be the bad guy and/or the instigator - she will hold his hand, she will hang on him. That does two destructive things. It makes an innocent party the bad guy. The wife is not the bad guy. And two, it makes Mayday a target. That only adds to her fears and makes her somehow still compete with - and come up short - against the BW.

 

Mayday, this isn't a competition and don't get sucked into that. This will likely be an emotional day for them as well as you. Unfortunately, that means you should expect that they will demonstrate some type of physical support for each other such as holding hands. Think about bringing one of your parents or a friend who can be your support person, your outlet, in the room. That person may not be let into the hearing, but they can be waiting outside with you before the hearing and after when it's all over.

 

Take care, Mayday.

[SoleMate]

Mayday, I feel the therapist is doing his job of helping you see what the worst things are that might happen, how you may find herself feeling, and how to handle that so you can keep the hearing as productive as possible with the least emotional pain. Of course, it is exBW's right to hold her husband's hand, lock arms with him, lean in and whisper, smile at him with glowing warmth, squeeze his arm etc. And for both to make a huge point of ignoring you like you're invisible, and 101 other microaggressions. Your therapist is doing a great job preparing you for that.

 

It isn't so much that they are united against you as they are a married couple. There's nothing she can do to hurt you.

 

On the contrary, there is every reason to believe that the married couple is united against Mayday and her daughter, to varying degrees. And there are things that the BW can do that will hurt. Anything with a subtext of belittlement, disparagement, or rejection, or attacking the daughter's interests, has the possibility of hurting and Mayday's therapist is wisely helping her protect against that.

 

Mayday, this is your thread, it's not the thread of "Justice for the exBW".