His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[stillafool]

 

 

Anything with a subtext of belittlement, disparagement, or rejection, or attacking the daughter's interests, has the possibility of hurting and Mayday's therapist is wisely helping her protect against that.

 

Mayday, this is your thread, it's not the thread of "Justice for the exBW".

 

Words are just words as I'm sure May has some choice words for them as well. However the real pain would come from not getting the financial support that this baby is due and the BW can't do anything to prevent that. Thanks for reminding us who's thread this is.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Mayday, I feel the therapist is doing his job of helping you see what the worst things are that might happen, how you may find herself feeling, and how to handle that so you can keep the hearing as productive as possible with the least emotional pain. Of course, it is exBW's right to hold her husband's hand, lock arms with him, lean in and whisper, smile at him with glowing warmth, squeeze his arm etc. And for both to make a huge point of ignoring you like you're invisible, and 101 other microaggressions. Your therapist is doing a great job preparing you for that.

 

 

 

On the contrary, there is every reason to believe that the married couple is united against Mayday and her daughter, to varying degrees. And there are things that the BW can do that will hurt. Anything with a subtext of belittlement, disparagement, or rejection, or attacking the daughter's interests, has the possibility of hurting and Mayday's therapist is wisely helping her protect against that.

 

Mayday, this is your thread, it's not the thread of "Justice for the exBW".

 

 

Wait....if a married couple hold hands in family court we are now calling it "micro aggressions"?

 

How bout we call it what it is....normal behaviour.

 

Family Court should be about mediation not adversarial.

 

I too feel it is wrong for a therapists to encourage Mayday to view the child's paternal family....specifically the BW as "out to hurt" her.

 

Therapy should be preparing Mayday for what she fears....which seems to be facing the betrayed wife...it will make her all the more real.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Mayday, I feel the therapist is doing his job of helping you see what the worst things are that might happen, how you may find herself feeling, and how to handle that so you can keep the hearing as productive as possible with the least emotional pain. Of course, it is exBW's right to hold her husband's hand, lock arms with him, lean in and whisper, smile at him with glowing warmth, squeeze his arm etc. And for both to make a huge point of ignoring you like you're invisible, and 101 other microaggressions. Your therapist is doing a great job preparing you for that.

 

 

 

On the contrary, there is every reason to believe that the married couple is united against Mayday and her daughter, to varying degrees. And there are things that the BW can do that will hurt. Anything with a subtext of belittlement, disparagement, or rejection, or attacking the daughter's interests, has the possibility of hurting and Mayday's therapist is wisely helping her protect against that.

 

Mayday, this is your thread, it's not the thread of "Justice for the exBW".

 

 

I wonder if this thought process is similar to what the Me Generation is accused of being guilty of.......that everything that everybody does/says/thinks is about ME. That if I feel uncomfortable about ANYTHING then who ever did/say/think that must stop their aggressive actions/words/thoughts immediately because that is how I feel.....and every feeling I have is valid.

 

In that thought process....where is understanding, empathy, solidarity, growth and our fellow man?

[whichwayisup]

I could be wrong here, but deep down maybe her desire still is hoping exMM will choose her and leave his wife so she can be with him and he can be a full time dad to their baby girl. Unfortunately that dream (if it is one) has to end. This exMM has shown her and his wife who he is. He isn't even a present father to his other children so why should this be any different?

 

May, just look out for yourself and your baby. Try not to fear exMM and his wife. You have your lawyer who has your back and isn't going to let anything bad happen.

[lemondrop21]

I think that the therapist is focusing on how May is likely to experience the situation. This will differ from how xMM experiences the situation, and from how BW experiences the situation. The therapist is trying to prepare May for things that may feel like an attack, whether or not they are intended to be that way.

 

Just my guess - that said, none of us know this therapist. At least May is getting therapy and if it seems to be helping her, great.

[wmacbride]

I really feel your therapist was wrong to say the above. He has no grounds to say this to you plus it just feeds your fears. It isn't so much that they are united against you as they are a married couple. There's nothing she can do to hurt you.

 

 

true enough.

 

Op, stop blaming his wife for how the mm is treating you. He is the one who holds the blame here, and shares it with you.

 

 

Put yourself in her place. In her shoes, what woudl you do? She has been through the wringer, and , for the most part, has handled herself with a lot of dignity and grace.

 

you are doing yourself no great favor and getting yourself all stressed out by assigning thoughts and feelings to her that may or may not exist. All that is doing is sapping your mental energy.

 

Should your daughter's father and his wife make the decision as a fmaily, to include your little girl, they are going to be a permanent part fo her life. You have the choice to make that as easy as possible for everyone, including yourself, or to make it as difficult as you possible can.Stop the drama in its tracks. Go to court, hold your head high, and focus all your attention on what the judge has to say.

 

For the sake of your daughter, do what is right for her.

[wmacbride]

Words are just words as I'm sure May has some choice words for them as well. However the real pain would come from not getting the financial support that this baby is due and the BW can't do anything to prevent that. Thanks for reminding us who's thread this is.

 

Also, the longer the op holds on to the " evil bw" scenario, the more she will be hurt and waste both time and mental energy.

[whichwayisup]

Also, the longer the op holds on to the " evil bw" scenario, the more she will be hurt and waste both time and mental energy.

 

I have to agree with this. It's been exMM's wife who reached out a few times wanting to talk and NOT exMM. Yet the anger and hate is towards her and not exMM. ExMM is the one who let May down, not his wife.

[sandylee1]

I think your therapist is trying to you and wants you feeling strong. He probably knows your feelings deep down for MM .... so he wants you prepared to see that they will appear united despite the stories you've been told about her craziness.

 

You know the feeling of being scared you have right now.. are very likely the same fears and anxiety his wife has too. She's probably seeking therapy just like you are and her therapist is preping her for the day she finally sees the woman her husband had an affair with and who now has his baby. That's not something she thought she'd be doing when she married him and as much as she may not want to be there ... She'll be damn scared not to be there in case you and he start chatting.

 

There are no winners in infidelity... it's hurt and stress all round.

 

Any way.. my point is that it's natural you'll be feeling scared.... but you're not going to the only one feeling that way.

 

As soon as the payments are set up ...The better and you can continue focusing on your kids and the future.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Dear Mayday, you're a strong and intelligent woman. You're growing in integrity every day as you face this issue to stand tall for your little one, a fortress for her.

 

I have no doubt but that you will walk into the courtroom powerfully, knowing you're doing the right thing for your child.

 

Being in the courtroom alone while exMM and BW appear together is an opportunity for you to demonstrate your determination and faithfulness to your calling as a mother and also to show exMM that he has no claim on the woman you are now; that he is history.

 

Who cares what BW does? Let her do whatever, it's of no consequence to you, my dear! She is stuck with a cold heartless wimp of a man whereas you have the opportunity of growing as a person and choosing to be with a real man one day in the future.

 

I know that you will walk in there with strength of steel and that it will not matter whomever is in there and what he or she may do, say or think.

 

There is nothing more impressive and beautiful than someone who does the right thing and who stands alone while doing it.

 

I am so proud of you for caring for your child and for going to bat for her!

 

You go Mayday2016!!!

[SomethingToSay]

I think you are doing a good job all things considered, but keep in mind the following which is basically a summary of what others have posted:

 

 

1. You arent a victim here. You chose all this.

 

 

2. Its absurd to think that your exMM would only get supervised 2-3 hour visits for "2 to 3" years because you want to breastfeed into toddlerhood. Judges do not allow breastfeeding to impede a father's ability to have unobstructed time with his child. The relationship with the father is more important. Be prepared to hand over the child every other weekend and perhaps more, if MM so requests. I cant help but think you have this fantasy that if you breastfeed, he will have to come spend time with YOU if he wants to see his child.

 

 

3. Further along that line, if you truly feel breastfeeding would interfere with his ability to have partial custody/visitation of his daughter, or would make it stressful for your child, then SURELY since you truly have her best interests at heart, you would be willing to give up the BF at a reasonable point in time.

 

 

At any rate, my Ex and I shared custody. My baby BF when he was with me; and bottle fed when with him. I pumped when he was gone, and nursed him until he was 2 1/2 years old. "Baby wont take a bottle" is no excuse. She will easily take it when you aren't there, if she is hungry enough.

 

 

4. I agree MM's wife's email to you was out of line. There is no reason her request could not have gone through attorneys. It wasn't unusual or unheard of or so inherently private that she couldn't send it through attorneys. That being said....she is certainly not mentally ill nor any danger to your child. Nor does it amount to harassment of any kind in and of itself, or even coupled with driving by your home.

 

 

5. It is very unlikely a judge will order MM to create a college fund for the child.

 

 

6. The best thing you can do for your children at this time is find a job that has options to turn into a career and get to work earning money on your own.

 

 

Stay strong and keep it real, in terms of examination your motives and your feelings and your expectations.

 

 

And please update us after the court. Is it possible xMM wont have to appear in person, and just send a lawyer?

[Sassy Girl]

Just wanted to agree with everything said above.

 

I returned to work for 8 hours a day when my child was 10 months and still continued to breastfeed until 18 months. You've had 2 other kids before. You know once they start solids their need for breast reduces significantly.

 

I am a huge breastfeeding advocate, having breast fed all of my children according to WHO guidelines. I will absolutely fight for a baby's right to be breastfed, but not when parents are using it to either control or manipulate custody and visitation. I thought we were doing what's best for the child here?

You can breastfeed and give the father access. They are not mutually exclusive.

 

Lastly, I'm curious what you plan on doing for your other children's college fund?

Right now you can barely afford to eat. Will there be one standard of living for your daughter and another for your other children? How will you explain this to the children you already had?

[Adoraxx]

We go to court in a few days.

 

I have been working with my therapist and he has had me envisioning seeing xMM. Envisioning how I will feel- much like the group of basketball players- one group was given a ball to practice with and the other were told to envision practicing with a ball.. end of the story was they had the two teams group up at the end and throw free throws, well the group that envisioned throwing the ball did better... so that's what he's had me trying to do. Envisioning how I will feel. Practicing not welling up with tears, practice not feeling afraid. Practice not locking eyes will him.

 

I'm scared. I'm hurt. Some emotions have started to surface I've had a hard time dealing with. Finally the anger is starting to present itself. I want to scream at him and that is not my character; I'm not a woman that screams at people. But I want to curse him and hit him for abandoning baby. She is a joy. She laughs now! She has just started and it's squeaky and high pitched and so adorable. She'll be 20 weeks on Monday and xMM last saw her when she was 6 weeks old.

 

I have not heard from him, nor his wife but the last time I was in town at my apartment his wife just happened to drive by as I was bringing groceries into the house. I ignored and just went back inside. She will finally sate her curiosity next week. I'm scared. Scared of seeing her hold his hand and hang all over him. My therapst said to expect that, expect her to put on a show to put on an act that she and him are united against me. That I am the bad influence here and that this woman will try and make me feel low. She will try to hurt me. He told me to expect the worst, that way I am prepared.

 

Baby and I took our DNA tests, I don't know if he has as I have not received the results in the mail, I hope he did as if he didn't I will have to wait even longer until the magistrate orders me to receive child support.

 

Next week the quiet fantasy bubble baby and I have been living in will be burst and I will find out if he does or does not want to be an active participant in her life. I am hoping for both yet neither circumstances. If that makes sense.

 

Hey May,

 

Have you been to court yet?

 

Hugs,

Adoraxx

[Mayday2016]

Hi. Yes. I went. They were both there, together, holding hands. I was very strong. I brought baby, lawyer said it would be fine and it was.

 

He did not look at baby, did not look at me. We were always 20 feet apart and passed like two ships in the night.

 

However, his wife was not as respectful of my space. My lawyer allowed her into the courtroom with us which he thought was a nice gesture but she assumed it meant she had control, she tried to sit at the defendant table and was very offended the bailiff instructed her to sit behind the table. The magistrate went through the motions and his lawyer argued for me to receive less support than the state calculators. The magistrate got up and as she was stepping down from the bench his wife loudly said- but what about visitation! Heir lawyer pointed to me and said its up to her. His wife wrote down an email address she wanted me to use to communicate with her and send her photos of the baby. Now when we left- when exiting a room someone holds open a door they'll hold it with their hand then sort of pass it on to the next until the last person gets the door with their hand and it shuts behind them. Well, his wife used her entire body to hold open the door to the courtroom making my lawyer and myself have to pass by within a few inches of her body. As I passed she reached out and touched the baby. My lawyer looked at me once we were though and told me to go, just get in the car and go.

 

My lawyer stayed behind and got a mediation date. As I got to thr very open parking lot they had parked directly beside my car. There were 100 open spaces and they parked right next to me. I knew it was a good decision to go because I'm sure they had intended to talk with me without lawyers present. I'm speculating but so far I felt very uneasy and was alone, no lawyer or family/friend with me.

 

When I got home my lawyer said that xMM and his wife and their lawyer talked to him after court. That xMM is very much wanting visitation. He told me I do not have to involve the wife.

 

The wife emailed me several times trying to set up visitation. I emailed back I would prefer to discuss this over the telephone. He emailed that "out of respect for his wife" I need to use the email account she set up for all communication. Now, I did my research. I do not have to discuss anything about my biological child with her nor do I have to factor her into my parental decisions or discussions, she does not have to be privy to them and the website I have is great because everything is documented and is used a lot for child custody cases. I had xMM sign up for this website for coparenting communication. He asked me when he could see the baby on a specified date and I let him know very professionally and matter of factly that my lawyer said his wife does not need to be there and the visit does not need to extend over an hour. I told him I would prefer a public place we could mutually agree on but that baby is so stressed out by numerous people in her face trying to interact with her I believe it's best if we introduce everyone slowly. I let him know I am trying to set healthy boundaries and hope he can respect that. He said he disagrees with me and that we won't discuss visitation again until our mediation in june. Instead of him proposing an alternate means of visitation like with a mutually agreed third party, he just doesn't want to see her at all until we have our lawyers there to hammer out a visitation plan. Baby will not be there with me on that date after his wife touching her this last time.

 

On to the best part-

 

i saw him and it was like a breakthrough. All those emotions I hung on to evaporated and I think it's therapy that helped me get such clarity. I saw him for the narcissistic ass he really is. I saw the hurt he put me through and now I realize he wants things his way with no consideration to my daughters needs or any respect for the horrific way he treated me. That charming smile he gave the judge and the lawyers was all an act. He wants nothing to do with baby and I think he's disgusting and absolutely repulsive. Believe me, there was no nostalgia when I looked at him. I do however, thinks his wife is insanely interested in my daughter and her push for visitation shows me they may be cooking something up. Again, speculation but my gut has not been wrong yet.

[noelle303]

Good for you for getting so well through court!

 

At the mediation date in June, when you two will be discussing visitation, do you plan to bring up his wife's involvement? Because unfortunately, considering the fact that she is his wife, you can't stop her from being aroung your daughter. From your post I can tell that you feel extremely uneasy about his wife being involved at all and you are trying to prevent it at any cost.

[whichwayisup]

Your anger is misplaced. You say he IGNORED you and the baby, didn't look your way, yet his wife made eye contact and seemed more interested in the baby than he did! You're pissed at her because she is reacting the way HE should be and you don't like that. She IS involved because she's his wife. Sure she was a bit over zealous today in court but at least she seems to care and want to be involved in this process. You're making it much harder by ONLY wanting him to talk to you and only HIM to see the child. She isn't going anywhere, that you have to accept. Please stop making her out to be the devil.

 

If he is to pay child support then he has rights.

[noelle303]

I try to avoid sharing personal experience when giving advice, but I think it may be useful here.

 

Me and xMM are forming a visitation agreement for every other weekend (Friday after school to Sunday evening) and every Wednesday for a couple oof hours. The weekends will of course be in his home, with his family who lives there too, while the weekday visits will be just the two of them outside the home.

 

Right now, my daughter has not met the wife so we are not putting this plan into effect yet, not until everyone is comfortable and familiar with each other.

 

Now, to be honest, I don't know his wife either. She seems pretty level-headed but I can't say for sure. If it turns out that there is anything in her behavior that may be harmful to my child, I plan on going through court to set up only supervised visitation for xMM and our daughter at a separate location.

 

However, I am giving it a chance first. I can't immediately dissmiss this woman as an enemy and raise hell. She may be perfectly able to set aside her emotions towards me and be pleasant towards my daughter and that is all I need. We don't need to be and never will be besties or even friends for that matter. If she treats her fairly, I'm good to go. If it turns out not, then I am proceeding further.

 

My point is, give it a chance.

[stillafool]

I agree with May that MM wanted nothing to do with the baby. He didn't even look at her for goodness sake. The wife made him tell the attorney they wanted visitation otherwise he would be perfectly happy just paying CS and never seeing the baby again. I think the wife wants to know the baby for her own daughters sake as this baby is her half sister. I really don't think the wife would harm that baby at all and if it weren't for her he would want nothing to do with this baby. I must say May your hate for this woman is puzzling.

[heartwhole]

I'm glad the first court date is behind you now and you were prepared and feel good about it, and that you were able to see xMM for who he is and begin directing some anger at him.

 

I hope you can work things out so that visitation is decided in a way that most benefits your daughter. Nothing you have said to date about BW sounds at all like a vindictive, power-hungry person to me. Of course her husband having a child with another woman would be difficult, but wanting to make sure visitation is addressed and giving you an email to facilitate it sounds positive to me, and I'd wager that their MC suggested something to that effect to them. You are just unhappy that xMM isn't the one doing it, but I'm willing to bet he's conflict-avoidant and passive and she usually takes charge of things in their marriage. It doesn't mean she has the wrong motives. What if she was just touching the child to try to foster a connection and show that she harbors no ill feelings? She didn't cackle and chant an incantation while doing so, right? Many women find babies cute and coo over them; imagine if that baby is also your husband's. You'd probably be interested in it too.

 

Remember that you went into this anticipating and envisioning that she would make a power play, that she would be unpleasant, that it would be adversarial. As far as you are concerned, that came true, but holding open a door, wanting to sit next to her own husband, sharing an email address, and parking next to you are not flagrant power plays. What would be the angle to that? What would be the end game? Is this the movie Mean Girls or real life? What if they're just trying to do the best they can in a difficult situation?

 

You are half responsible for bringing this child into the world with xMM. And he is married to BW, which you knew when you conceived a child with him. That can't be undone. I think you need to accept her role in this, or give up on the idea of visitation at all. Is denying your child any relationship with her father something you are prepared to do?

 

If my husband had a child with another woman, yes, all communication would need to come through me. My WH is now completely transparent with his communications as a stipulation of rebuilding our marriage. Maybe I don't need to be the direct recipient of emails concerning the OW's child, but I would have access to the emails. So does it really make a difference if it's an email address they created just for this purpose or a website you chose? I'm sure she'll have the log-in to the website as well.

 

He said he disagrees with me and that we won't discuss visitation again until our mediation in june. Instead of him proposing an alternate means of visitation like with a mutually agreed third party, he just doesn't want to see her at all until we have our lawyers there to hammer out a visitation plan.

 

Have you considered that you are derailing any progress you could be making in the visitation process? They tried several times to bring it up in court, facilitate it via email, and discuss it, but you had a problem with the method of communication every time when instead you could have used that time to discuss the details of visitation. Is it any surprise that they would finally give up on working things out with you and decide to let the courts handle it?

 

I'm very afraid that you are sabotaging yourself and by proxy your daughter's future with the way you view everything they (she) do as a power play designed to thwart you rather than an attempt to sort this out for your daughter's benefit.

 

ETA: It's called confirmation bias, when you go into a situation believing it will go one way, and then you subconsciously ignore anything that contradicts your preconceptions and only focus on things that seem to confirm them. I believe you have a fairly significant case of it here.

Edited May 11, 2016 by heartwhole

[stillafool]

I'm sorry May and you probably have addressed this somewhere on this thread; but how is visitation handled with your other kids fathers?

[anika99]

OP you said at the beginning of this thread and several times throughout that you wanted your child to have a relationship with her father. Now you say that you are totally over the MM and no longer want him romantically. If this is true then why are you still insisting that everything must go through him? It seems to me that his wife will be the best one to make arrangements. She will be more organized, more reliable, and more accessible.

 

I also don't see where your gut feelings have been right at all. None of your speculations about his wife have been proven correct.

[minimariah]

However, I am giving it a chance first. I can't immediately dissmiss this woman as an enemy and raise hell. She may be perfectly able to set aside her emotions towards me and be pleasant towards my daughter and that is all I need. We don't need to be and never will be besties or even friends for that matter. If she treats her fairly, I'm good to go. If it turns out not, then I am proceeding further.

 

My point is, give it a chance.

 

^ AWESOME post! VERY mature. give it a chance, OP & take it one day at a time. try to stay as reasonable and emotionally neutral as you possibly can.

[Mayday2016]

^ AWESOME post! VERY mature. give it a chance, OP & take it one day at a time. try to stay as reasonable and emotionally neutral as you possibly can.

 

I have had to go through emails texts and messages. I have very damning evidence that this woman should not be around my child. I won't say anymore. This is not a time to place nice.i have been my daughters sole guardian. Midnight, 2 am, 4 am, 6 am feeds have been me and still are me. Every doc appointment has been me. Everything has been me. She still doesn't sleep through the night. I get to decide what is best for her as he disappeared and only reappeared when he realized I wasn't rescinding the child support request. I don't need to defend my choices to anyone nor be sympathetic to the man that ghosted me after he didn't need me anymore, who ignored the baby I kept insisting was his, and who left his own wife for months at a time to live in hotels because he couldn't stand her bipolar aggressions.

 

I don't. I let him walk all over me because I thought I loved him, I had false visions months back that he could be a good dad to baby but being out of the fog I am acutely aware of what is real now. All I need to focus on is protecting baby's needs. No one here may agree with my course of action, it is mine to take and mine alone.

[Mayday2016]

I'm sorry May and you probably have addressed this somewhere on this thread; but how is visitation handled with your other kids fathers?

 

 

He lives in a different state. I agreed to two weeks during the summer, that's up to him if he puts it into effect. His lawyer strong armed me into agreeing driving 1000 miles (halfway point) to drop the kids off with him then drive back to my state then drive back to the halfway point then drive back to my state. He hasn't said when he wants them, in fact he hasn't called them in 6 months...

[georgia girl]

Mayday,

 

I am in your corner but I really want you to examine what your goals are and how you can best achieve them. You WANT him to be a part of her life. You WANT her to know his family and be accepted, not a secret.

 

I am so very pleased that you feel over MM. But I think it's time to let go of your anger at his wife. It's coloring your perceptions and literally standing in the way of you achieving what you want for your daughter.

 

Please reconsider trying to box her out. It is actually entirely reasonable for a couple in reconciliation to agree that the wandering spouse have no contact with the affair partner. In your case, she has acknowledged that there needs to be contact but she needs boundaries to help her feel safe. The email account does that for her. It's not malicious. I think given MM's lack of interest in her, that the best way for the two of them to be together would be to have his wife there. He may not know how to react if she cries or gets fussy, his wife will know.

 

I am amazed that your attorney isn't advising the establishment of an amicable relationship with both of them. Actually, astounded is more like it. This is in the best interests of your daughter primarily but it also reduces court costs and stress/anxiety overall. Have you projected that you are so adamant against her that he is merely agreeing?

 

Mayday, after all that you have been through, I hate to ask you to make one more painful discovery. But please consider searching your heart over your anger and distrust of MM's wife. I genuinely would not advocate for you to do this if it wasn't truly in yours and your daughter's best interests.

 

And hopefully support has now been ordered and you will begin to receive some funds? (I think you said it has.)