His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[whichwayisup]

This is why I need this forum. You guys see her responses as graceful and respectful. The tone I read is that she pities me, even thinking it had the tone of I'm just some young, dumb girl that her husband took advantage of. (And he totally did) -- I almost got the feeling just from those brief texts that she is like yeah he does this, sorry he did even worse to you than he does to the other girls. {I'm really reading into this but that is what I do- I read into everything!!!!!!}

 

You can't assume the worst and even more so since this conversation took place through text messages.

 

Bolded..Time to work on that and not expect the worst out of a situation or people, all that does is add more stress and drama by creating your own version of what *could* happen.

[Ms. Faust]

Let the attorneys work it out at this point. Hammer out child support and visitation. You may get your wish... Your daughter may know her father. And his wife, too. If she is staying with him they will act as a team.

[stillafool]

This is why I need this forum. You guys see her responses as graceful and respectful. The tone I read is that she pities me, even thinking it had the tone of I'm just some young, dumb girl that her husband took advantage of. (And he totally did) -- I almost got the feeling just from those brief texts that she is like yeah he does this, sorry he did even worse to you than he does to the other girls. {I'm really reading into this but that is what I do- I read into everything!!!!!!}

 

I got the same impression. I doubt you are his first and probably not the last. At any rate his wife sounds like a really nice woman.

[Randomlyrandomme]

Yeah. Her life will be affected on a scale similar to that of yourself and her husband. She's dealing with this pretty well (better than you two initially did.

[SoleMate]

He is entitled to custody.

Noooooo.....in many states he would not be, as he has not immediately stepped up to take care of pregnant mother and baby once born.

[SoleMate]

Mayday, please work through your lawyer only. If BW wants a r/s with OC, she can work through her own lawyer. This is too important and too fraught with danger for you to handle solo. Your job #1 is to protect you child and yourself from any possible threat from either of them. If either of them is truly planning to behave well, the fact that you insist on lawyer-mediated conversations only would not change that.

 

And yes, I agree that to date, BW has done nothing to criticize. She has behaved reasonably. I still feel it's not wise for you to meet her or engage with her. There's a non-zero chance she and exMM have intentions that are not 100% friendly to you. (Actually, I guess that's a certainty.) Even just the chance of her calling you a homewrecker or some other mild and predictable epithets is stress you don't need.

 

Please read the advice I gave "noelle" - she was in a very similar situation as you.

 

Hugs and courage.

[goodyblue]

I think this is the riskiest of choices. IMO, if you want to REALLY incense a BS, ignore a request directed specifically to you and keep "dealing" with their spouse. Not saying the OP needs to give the BS everything she asks, but I think just getting away from the situation would be healthiest.

 

I agree. I would get as far from him as possible. I don't see any good coming from this. But... if OP wants him in the daughter's life, she needs to deal with him and I would use an attorney. I would not be doing anything one on one. Perhaps later, if the child goes to stay with the MM it would be prudent to have a conversation but right now, when things just blew up? Not a chance.

 

I don't think the BS will ever treat the child well and that is a problem that will last forever. Omg. This is why I say NEVER have a baby with MM. It isn't fair to the child.

[Sassy Girl]

Noooooo.....in many states he would not be, as he has not immediately stepped up to take care of pregnant mother and baby once born.

 

The baby is less than two months old. I think it's almost a certainty he will have some parental rights. Because it's in the best interest of the child after all

[lemondrop21]

This isn't 100% on the topic of meeting with the BW. But you commented on wanting to pique the fathers interest in the baby by luring him over with sex... And I feel I have to comment on that, and on wanting him to be in the baby's life.

 

My parents had an incredible amount of drama between them; not an affair but plenty of other bullsh*t. My mother did not pursue child support in order to deny him visitation/custody (she claims otherwise). Honestly it was probably for the best that there was no visitation/custody when I was a baby because all that would have happened is that the drama between them would have restarted and I would have witnessed a variety of emotional and possibly physical abuse and an on again, off again relationship.

 

That ended up happening when I was a preteen - they tried to reconcile, disastrously. By then my father had somewhat more maturity but it still wasn't great. Today, my father is more mature, as age will do that to a person, and we get along okay (I'm 28), but we developed that relationship completely separately from my mother. I never see them at the same time.

 

You know what I wish my mother had done when I was a baby? Focused her energy on 1. Getting help for herself to address her emotional instability, and 2. finding an awesome, supportive husband and stepdad for me. I still would have been able to start developing a relationship with my bio dad when I was older, but without the drama between my parents. I would have strongly preferred this.

[Mayday2016]

I don't want to see either of them. I'm scared. I love my daughter, she has rocked my world. Delivering her alone (I had no family or friends there- it was just me) was the hardest but most intimate moment of my life - and not romantic intimacy -- it was very profound. He chose not to be there.

 

I was 10 weeks when I told him I was pregnant and I delivered her at 36+5. Not once did he ask how I was, how she was. Not once did he talk about her, only when I brought up names after my anatomy scan did he tell me she couldn't have my last name. That's all he ever said. He has been in my apartment 5x since her birth- not once has he looked at her. He held her when she was 6 days old for 5 minutes because I left the room and she cried but then he handed her back to me when I came back, she is 9 weeks old tomorrow. Why all of a sudden do 'they' want a relationship with her? He was adamant he did not want her. I wanted him to change and by her texts it sounds like he has but why do I feel like it isn't genuine? Like he didn't come to it on his own?

[Sassy Girl]

I don't want to see either of them. I'm scared. I love my daughter, she has rocked my world. Delivering her alone (I had no family or friends there- it was just me) was the hardest but most intimate moment of my life - and not romantic intimacy -- it was very profound. He chose not to be there.

 

I was 10 weeks when I told him I was pregnant and I delivered her at 36+5. Not once did he ask how I was, how she was. Not once did he talk about her, only when I brought up names after my anatomy scan did he tell me she couldn't have my last name. That's all he ever said. He has been in my apartment 5x since her birth- not once has he looked at her. He held her when she was 6 days old for 5 minutes because I left the room and she cried but then he handed her back to me when I came back, she is 9 weeks old tomorrow. Why all of a sudden do 'they' want a relationship with her? He was adamant he did not want her. I wanted him to change and by her texts it sounds like he has but why do I feel like it isn't genuine? Like he didn't come to it on his own?

 

Your posts are (unferstandably) all over the place.

 

First you say you want to give your daughter a relationship wish her father. Now you're scared and citing all he ways he's failed.

 

You aside, because it's not about you anymore, or what you went through personally - What is the best thing for your daughter? Focus on that, on her. If you really want her to know her father, probably better sooner rather than later that you accept that it's going to be with the wife also. ... And let the lawyers do the talking.

[minimariah]

Maybe it is enough for me to write that I am staying with {husband} and we all want a relationship with {baby}. I hope we can all figure this out as smoothly as possible.

 

be SUPER careful.

 

i will admit that the entire situation seems... weird. shady. the MM didn't want the baby at all and fought you tooth and nail and NOW - they suddenly both want the relationship with the baby? if that's the case, why didn't they both contact you... as a team? why did she liked your post then blocked then unblocked... i mean, what?

 

this change came out of nowhere, literally. i honestly wouldn't buy it. it's too soon, she decided to stay with her husband and accept the child like what... a DAY after the discovery? nope. not buying it.

[beautifulinside2]

Am I the only one who thinks she owes this lady the opportunity to talk to her face to face? I mean you were having an affair with her husband, and taking time away from her and her children. If I were on the other end, I would like to know what kind of person you were, what do you look like, what is it about you that caused my husband to stray. The same questions you had when your husband cheated on you. This woman just wants to bring closure to her own broken heart and possibly introduce the kids. Her composure shows that she knows her husband is a cheater and has excepted it. Many women do, so don't be surprised by her composure.

I believe you thought once the wife found out she was going to leave him and now you are even more disappointed because she decided to stay. I know Im going to be in the minority here, but you got what you deserved. Who in their right mind would choose a married man to have a baby with?

[ChickiePops]

be SUPER careful.

 

i will admit that the entire situation seems... weird. shady. the MM didn't want the baby at all and fought you tooth and nail and NOW - they suddenly both want the relationship with the baby? if that's the case, why didn't they both contact you... as a team? why did she liked your post then blocked then unblocked... i mean, what?

 

this change came out of nowhere, literally. i honestly wouldn't buy it. it's too soon, she decided to stay with her husband and accept the child like what... a DAY after the discovery? nope. not buying it.

 

 

Maybe she's a good person who understands that the baby is not at fault here and that she deserves to have her father in her life.

 

Regardless, she sure doesn't sound bipolar to me.

[Mayday2016]

be SUPER careful.

 

i will admit that the entire situation seems... weird. shady. the MM didn't want the baby at all and fought you tooth and nail and NOW - they suddenly both want the relationship with the baby? if that's the case, why didn't they both contact you... as a team? why did she liked your post then blocked then unblocked... i mean, what?

 

this change came out of nowhere, literally. i honestly wouldn't buy it. it's too soon, she decided to stay with her husband and accept the child like what... a DAY after the discovery? nope. not buying it.

 

 

 

This. This was what I couldn't articulate well. He has since blocked me on imessage. I have a feeling if I have any contact regarding them regarding this it will solely be from the wife. Not to say I wouldn't be surprised, I read a lot of marriage mission type of stuff the last few months and they always recommend that the cheating husbands never see the other woman, even to do child hand offs. But all this just seems so fast like I sent him those papers on Monday and all of a sudden it Sunday and she's like oh I'm so excited there's a baby ?

[minimariah]

Maybe she's a good person who understands that the baby is not at fault here and that she deserves to have her father in her life.

 

it has nothing to do with her being a good or a bad person.

 

if you find out your husband had an affair and has a child from that affair - you won't IN A DAY decide that you're staying with him and wanting the relationship with the baby. you will need SOME TOME to proccess the news.

 

she might have known longer but i think she would have contacted the OP sooner than that. everything seems to be happening too soon and i would be VERY careful if i were the OP. it will be a long and a bumpy road.

[Ms. Faust]

But all this just seems so fast like I sent him those papers on Monday and all of a sudden it Sunday and she's like oh I'm so excited there's a baby ?

 

Come on, now. Seriously, think about this. She is not going to let you see any vulnerability from her. She knows that her hubby f*cked up, and is probably going to attempt to be the one to gain some semblance of control for herself and her children (if they have any). She is going to hold her cards as close to her chest as possible. They will act as a unit. And honestly, if you look back on your other threads you will see that you were told this months ago by us in these forums.

 

I have lurked in a support forum for people in reconciliation when an OC (other child) is involved, and many are no contact. If the MM has to tell his wife and then choose to reconcile they are going to look at protecting their marriage and their children. This can mean going NC with you and your daughter and having Wife involved in corresponding with you when necessary.

 

 

You also have to bear in mind your vision of her is clouded by what he has told you of her AND that you are still in love with him. Do I think you should trust her? Well, really, at this point she is a helluva lot more trustworthy than your MM, in all honesty.

 

But her loyalties, in the end, are going to be with her husband, as evidenced by her text that said "I'm not leaving him". And he has made clear that no matter how bipolar or whatever she is, his loyalty is to her.

Edited February 29, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[Ms. Faust]

it has nothing to do with her being a good or a bad person.

 

if you find out your husband had an affair and has a child from that affair - you won't IN A DAY decide that you're staying with him and wanting the relationship with the baby. you will need SOME TOME to proccess the news.

 

 

I disagree, Mariah. In a crisis when your family and lifestyle is involved, it is not uncommon to make a decision to stay at a moment's notice. Obviously her mind can change, and probably will flip back and forth in the coming months... but many a BS' first thought is to reconcile, no matter what the circumstances.

 

I do agree that the OP should proceed with caution, that is why everything should be done through lawyers.

Edited February 29, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[whichwayisup]

This. This was what I couldn't articulate well. He has since blocked me on imessage. I have a feeling if I have any contact regarding them regarding this it will solely be from the wife. Not to say I wouldn't be surprised, I read a lot of marriage mission type of stuff the last few months and they always recommend that the cheating husbands never see the other woman, even to do child hand offs. But all this just seems so fast like I sent him those papers on Monday and all of a sudden it Sunday and she's like oh I'm so excited there's a baby ?

 

See, this is your putting a dramatic spin on it. she seemed calm, interested in talking about it all. There was no mention of meeting the baby, taking the baby for a weekend, just a conversation about what the future may hold for you all. Again, respectful and calm. You suggested talking through lawyers or something along those lines and she agreed, respectfully (again). Don't let others on here fire you up and make you over think this.

[Mayday2016]

I need sleep but I have so much to process. I never expected her to contact me, not in a million years. He's a coward though if he's having her clean up his messes but I should have learned that a long time ago when instead of trying to end things cleanly he tried to ghost me. Although some here would say he went no contact. But that wasn't what it was. He was hoping if he ignored me long enough I'd get the hint and disappear. Because that was likely now that I have a baby by him.

 

Thank you all so much for your input it's invaluable seeing all these different angles and the pragmatism and even the "hey dummy, listen!" Is really helpful. I'm going to need to take a brick to the face to get over him, even after experiencing what I did and seeing his ill treatment of our daughter I'm still disillusioned and carrying a torch for him. I don't know how to stop doing that.

[Marc878]

He's probably told her you are some crazy woman and it's nothing but a lie. Be prepared to be thrown under the bus no matter what happens.

 

Of course there's the paternity test thought isn't there.

 

She's probably seeking the truth.

[velvette]

I need sleep but I have so much to process. I never expected her to contact me, not in a million years. He's a coward though if he's having her clean up his messes but I should have learned that a long time ago when instead of trying to end things cleanly he tried to ghost me. Although some here would say he went no contact. But that wasn't what it was. He was hoping if he ignored me long enough I'd get the hint and disappear. Because that was likely now that I have a baby by him.

 

Thank you all so much for your input it's invaluable seeing all these different angles and the pragmatism and even the "hey dummy, listen!" Is really helpful. I'm going to need to take a brick to the face to get over him, even after experiencing what I did and seeing his ill treatment of our daughter I'm still disillusioned and carrying a torch for him. I don't know how to stop doing that.

 

 

She knows he had an A and that there is a child from that A. They are staying married. Fact for now. He probably never had any intention of leaving her, no matter what he told you or what feelings he developed for you. Usually a fact in majority of A's.

 

 

His messes are her messes, their messes as long as they stay M. Fact for now.

 

 

He didn't send her to clean up; having no contact with you is likely one of her conditions for staying married. Normal and fact for now.

 

 

Her communication with you other than the initial facebook stuff has been kind, respectful, compassionate. Fact for now.

 

 

He is conflict avoidant. You are admittedly conflict/confrontation avoidant. She probably isn't judging by her contacting you.

 

 

Knowledge is power. Always a fact.

 

 

I would meet with her. Find out what she wants. If she brings up $$, tell her you are leaving that with the attorney's/court. Although, I wouldn't rule out a lump sum settlement out of hand. Not sure that's even legal, but discuss with your attorney before any meeting.

 

 

Here's the thing. It now seems your daughters father with the support of his wife plans to seek visitation/custody. His right. Fact.

 

 

You don't get to direct or be involved in that other than by petitioning the court or his/his wifes good graces. Fact. His/her behavior would have to be really egregious before a court would intervene and restrict his rights.

 

 

You wanted your daughters father in her life. Now, it appears he wants that as well, just not the way you saw it playing out.

 

 

Time to grow up and do whats best for your daughter. You and her father created this complicated situation. He is not leaving his wife to parent his child with you. The best that your daughter can hope for is that he will parent her with the help of his wife.

 

 

In order for this to work, you need to come to grips with reality as it is, not how you wish it were. You need to face the fact that this man never loved you the way you loved him(and honestly, I think you need to challenge this idea in therapy that what you feel is love and not neediness). That doesn't mean he cant learn to love his daughter now that the truth is known by his wife.

 

 

I know this is harsh, and I'm not trying to be mean to you. I just think it is way overdue that you face reality. Men don't go on AM looking for the love of their life. They go there looking for sex or a fling.

 

 

At some point, you need to make peace with the fact that you made a bad choice of someone to get involved with. It is not really healthy for your child for you to be badmouthing him unless she is old enough to accurately assess his behavior. She is half him. Criticize him, and until she is old enough to understand, you are also critizing her.

 

 

Good luck.

[13Hearts]

There is no reason to rush things. You do not know these people, no matter how long you were in an affair with him. You do not know what other people are capable of. I don't mean you should be paranoid of them; I mean you should be cautious. I would not meet with either of them alone.

 

Baby is only a few weeks old. You have the rest of her life to figure this all out. Arrangements and "how this is all going to work out" do not need to be figured out ahead of time. Take things slowly.

 

Start reading and learning about family law in your state. KNOW your rights. Know HIS rights.

 

Evaluate YOUR needs. Where are you in your life? What do you need to do to get your SELF in the strongest position possible for your life and for raising this baby in healthy ways? What do you need to be able to successfully raise your child on your own? Have you finished school? Do you need job training? How much family do you have nearby to help you?

 

Be sure you do not place yourself in a vulnerable position in relation to them. Be smart about how they might be able to wrest control from you. Assume they come with decent intentions, but keep alert, speak with them through your lawyer until you feel strong enough to face them alone. You are already coming at this from a weaker, more vulnerable position than they are. Don't assume that just because she is a mother, or she is forgiving of him, that she is your friend.

 

She may just be wanting to know what she can expect you to do or demand in the near-term, understandably. She is probably anxious; she has made a big decision for her life (staying with a cheating husband) and she wants to see what is in store. It is fine to tell her that for now you feel it is in everyone's best interest to communicate through lawyers.

 

In whatever legal action you take, make sure you ask the court to order HIM to pay your legal fees.

 

Decide what YOU want and need, in the best interest of your child. Start writing down and listing those things you want and need to put you in the strongest position to be the best parent you can be. Do not let their anxiety and/or drama distract you from what you know is important. Whatever YOU need, do not be afraid to ask the court to order him to assist you with. For example, if you are going to need assistance with getting an education or job training, write that down and ask your lawyer about requesting that.

 

Do not meet with either of them until you are ready to meet with both of them. And forget about what he has said and done up until this point. The tables have turned, the situation has changed. His wife now knows, whereas before she didn't. All of his decisions up to this point he made in fear of her finding out.

 

Deal with each day as it comes. Let yesterday remain in the past. Deal with the behavior you experience from him (and them) each day. Be good to yourself. Be good to your baby. Be as happy as you can be every single day because baby knows when you are anxious, upset, scared, stressed etc. Let go of whatever makes you anxious, upset, scared, stressed etc. You cannot afford to allow those things to upset you and baby.

 

You are an amazing, courageous, and strong woman to have done what you have done, giving birth to this baby, bringing her home, and resolving to give her the life you want to give her. Retain your strength and your resolve. Trust your instincts; they are sharper now than they have ever been before. Mothers are incredible human beings. Be strong! I do not know you but I am so proud of you for doing what you are doing!! We are all in your corner, standing behind you.

[Sassy Girl]

Read velvette again. Over and over. Truth

[sandylee1]

New text --

 

Maybe it is enough for me to write that I am staying with {husband} and we all want a relationship with {baby}. I hope we can all figure this out as smoothly as possible.

 

I do feel compassion for you. I am sorry about what he did to you.

 

He's changed his tune now.. wanting to have a relationship with the baby.

 

I would be uncomfortable having him see your baby after he was so horrible to you. I would state that he needs supervised visitation when you get to that stage.... discuss this with your lawyer. If they ask why supervised visits.... you tell them you don't trust how he'd behave given how he took zero interest and ignored her... to the point of not looking at her.

 

Without scaring you.. when a man doesn't or didn't want a child.... I've seen them do everything to change the situation.

I personally wouldn't want my daughter spending any time with him.

 

Now maybe him ignoring her was to avoid liking her or getting close to her. ..... but he was terrible and you need to remember that. You are the only one who can protect your baby girl. Don't hand her over to him or his wife for any unsupervised time.