His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[stillafool]

I really don't understand how you thought a MM who isn't even a good father to his little girl he had with his wife would be a good father to your baby. I do understand that you think his wife has bipolar aggression. How are you going to prove this to the court to prevent the baby from visiting them at their home?

[stillafool]

He lives in a different state. I agreed to two weeks during the summer, that's up to him if he puts it into effect. His lawyer strong armed me into agreeing driving 1000 miles (halfway point) to drop the kids off with him then drive back to my state then drive back to the halfway point then drive back to my state. He hasn't said when he wants them, in fact he hasn't called them in 6 months...

 

I'm really sorry for your kids. This is rough. How are they doing?

[ChickiePops]

I have had to go through emails texts and messages. I have very damning evidence that this woman should not be around my child. I won't say anymore. This is not a time to place nice.i have been my daughters sole guardian. Midnight, 2 am, 4 am, 6 am feeds have been me and still are me. Every doc appointment has been me. Everything has been me. She still doesn't sleep through the night. I get to decide what is best for her as he disappeared and only reappeared when he realized I wasn't rescinding the child support request. I don't need to defend my choices to anyone nor be sympathetic to the man that ghosted me after he didn't need me anymore, who ignored the baby I kept insisting was his, and who left his own wife for months at a time to live in hotels because he couldn't stand her bipolar aggressions.

 

I don't. I let him walk all over me because I thought I loved him, I had false visions months back that he could be a good dad to baby but being out of the fog I am acutely aware of what is real now. All I need to focus on is protecting baby's needs. No one here may agree with my course of action, it is mine to take and mine alone.

 

Damning evidence as in emails from his wife to you that prove that she's a terrible person? Or proof as in emails from the MM whining about his mean ol' wife? Because those mean nothing and are probably lies.

[noelle303]

I have had to go through emails texts and messages. I have very damning evidence that this woman should not be around my child. I won't say anymore. This is not a time to place nice.i have been my daughters sole guardian. Midnight, 2 am, 4 am, 6 am feeds have been me and still are me. Every doc appointment has been me. Everything has been me. She still doesn't sleep through the night. I get to decide what is best for her as he disappeared and only reappeared when he realized I wasn't rescinding the child support request. I don't need to defend my choices to anyone nor be sympathetic to the man that ghosted me after he didn't need me anymore, who ignored the baby I kept insisting was his, and who left his own wife for months at a time to live in hotels because he couldn't stand her bipolar aggressions.

 

I don't. I let him walk all over me because I thought I loved him, I had false visions months back that he could be a good dad to baby but being out of the fog I am acutely aware of what is real now. All I need to focus on is protecting baby's needs. No one here may agree with my course of action, it is mine to take and mine alone.

 

I really symphatize with your situation because I've been in a very similar one. I experienced the same hostility from my xMM when I was pregnant and I've been my daughter's sole provider and caregiver for the entire 5 years of her life, not just a few months.

 

But none of that has anything to do with his relationship with his child. He wants to be a part of her life, you owe it to her to facilitate it. Nothing good can come from alienating your child from her father because of your personal anger towards him.

 

Just because he hasn't been in her life for these past few months does not mean that he should lose his right for the next 18 years. Don't stand in their way because you are holding a grudge against him.

 

She is an infant, there are many doctor's appointments he hasn't yet missed, many nights to comfort her and many milestones to experience.

[ChickiePops]

Damning evidence as in emails from his wife to you that prove that she's a terrible person? Or proof as in emails from the MM whining about his mean ol' wife? Because those mean nothing and are probably lies.

 

Also..your damning evidence, if it is from her, could be the MM posing as her..you'd have to prove that it's not. Unless you have video of her abusing her husband and daughter..you've got nothing.

 

And despite whatever 'damning' evidence you have..he still hasn't chosen you and you really need to get over that.

[Robert]

Folks,

 

We have once again suspended someone's posting privileges because of their failure to follow our guidelines in this thread. As a reminder, please see these 3 other moderation directives:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/571648-his-wife-texted-me-asking-meet-what-do-i-do/post-6805432.html#post6805432

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/571648-his-wife-texted-me-asking-meet-what-do-i-do/post-6808023.html#post6808023

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/571648-his-wife-texted-me-asking-meet-what-do-i-do/post-6847788.html#post6847788

 

Thank you,

~6

[minimariah]

I have very damning evidence that this woman should not be around my child.

 

i'm confused - if you have strong & solid evidence... well, why isn't your attorney presenting that to the court + why didn't you ask for some kind of restraining order?

 

I get to decide what is best for her as he disappeared and only reappeared when he realized I wasn't rescinding the child support request.

 

if your MM, at some point, gets joint legal custody - you won't be the only one to raise your daughter and his wife's involvement depends on HIM... not you. if you have strong evidence that she's mentally unwell or otherwise unfit to be around your child... you can keep her away. otherwise? you'll have to deal with the fact that your child has a father, too - and that father has EQUAL rights as you do to your child together. that's just a consequence of your decision to give birth and seek your rights at the court of law - he has the right to seek his own rights, even if his wife is motivating him to do so. i'm telling you this because you gotta be prepared for that outcome, too.

 

All I need to focus on is protecting baby's needs. No one here may agree with my course of action, it is mine to take and mine alone.

 

i think you're overreacting. protecting baby's needs means being mature + staying emotionally neutral - and frankly, you seem emotionally all over the place. no one said you should be sympathetic to this man - you should try to be as reasonable as you can.

 

you're not over this man and it's like you're reliving the break up all over again because you're just now realizing that he really won't come back.

 

p.s. i think you should read some of Noelle's posts. she handled her situation, similar to your own, perfectly. very mature, very stable and very emotionally right. she minds her own business and her child's business - keeps her eyes open and IF the wife starts something... she'll react. up until that point? slowly introducing the dad to her kid's life and allowing the relationship to develop. IF your MM is not interested in the child - well, present that to the court. tell them that it is his wife that's doing all the work and not him. tell them that HE won't be a good father and you're interested in the child being raised by his wife; the child can always develop a relationship with a brother or a sister on their own.

Edited May 11, 2016 by minimariah

[AlwaysGrowing]

I have had to go through emails texts and messages. I have very damning evidence that this woman should not be around my child. I won't say anymore. This is not a time to place nice.i have been my daughters sole guardian. Midnight, 2 am, 4 am, 6 am feeds have been me and still are me. Every doc appointment has been me. Everything has been me. She still doesn't sleep through the night. I get to decide what is best for her as he disappeared and only reappeared when he realized I wasn't rescinding the child support request. I don't need to defend my choices to anyone nor be sympathetic to the man that ghosted me after he didn't need me anymore, who ignored the baby I kept insisting was his, and who left his own wife for months at a time to live in hotels because he couldn't stand her bipolar aggressions.

 

I don't. I let him walk all over me because I thought I loved him, I had false visions months back that he could be a good dad to baby but being out of the fog I am acutely aware of what is real now. All I need to focus on is protecting baby's needs. No one here may agree with my course of action, it is mine to take and mine alone.

 

Young parents too often believe this fallacy.

 

We do not own our children. Our children are not us.

 

Whatever your experiences have been with this XMM and BW are yours....and yours alone....they were experienced and processed through an affair dynamic relationship/s.

 

Your daughter is his daughter. Your daughter is her step daughter. Your daughter is the half sibling to numerous other children. Your daughters role in all their lives is not the same as your role in any of theirs.

 

Your daughter has a seperate life and relationship with all those people....her life extends beyond just you.

 

It might be wise to try to view life through your daughters lens.

[whichwayisup]

Damning evidence as in emails from his wife to you that prove that she's a terrible person? Or proof as in emails from the MM whining about his mean ol' wife? Because those mean nothing and are probably lies.

 

May, if you are talking about her anger when she found out about you, the affair and the fact you were pregnant with her husband's baby and those texts/emails then put it aside and have some compassion for her. ANY wife is gonna flip out when finding out the truth. SHE is a mother too, so I highly doubt she's going to hurt or injure your child as she would go to jail and lose her own kids at the same time.

 

You also cannot rely on exMM's words about his wife being bi polar. DO you know how many MM and MW's on here claim their BS is crazy, depressed, bi polar, abusive etc etc? Many of times it's not true and it's a way for a CS to justify their cheating. Until you actually get proof, like a Dr's note stating IF she has a mental illness you can't believe a word out of his mouth.

 

I know this is hard for you, but the goal is having him in her life, that's what you wanted all along. Sadly you may not like that his wife is part of the picture, but she is. Instead of being scared, get to know her. Instead of pushing and saying NO to talking, why not one on one the two of you (in time) go and have a coffee. Get to know her a bit.

[bathtub-row]

Mayday, did you know that the male bear will kill their young, while the female will protect her babies at all costs? Is it a mistake that you chose a bear as your profile pic?

 

Hmmm....I'm thinking not.

[whichwayisup]

I know this is hard for you, but the goal is having him in your daughter's life, that's what you wanted all along. Sadly you may not like that his wife is part of the picture, but she is. Instead of being scared, get to know her. Instead of pushing and saying NO to talking, why not one on one the two of you (in time) go and have a coffee. Get to know her a bit. Maybe she isn't half as bad as you think she is or that he's made her out to be. Fact is, he had a chance to leave her and didn't. She could have bailed out on him - Many would when finding out their spouse has another child with someone else due to an affair. She didn't and that says a lot. They are united and have worked through their issues.

 

Tried to edit my post but it was too late, so here's a bit more..

[AlwaysGrowing]

I have had to go through emails texts and messages. I have very damning evidence that this woman should not be around my child. I won't say anymore. This is not a time to place nice.i have been my daughters sole guardian. Midnight, 2 am, 4 am, 6 am feeds have been me and still are me. Every doc appointment has been me. Everything has been me. She still doesn't sleep through the night. I get to decide what is best for her as he disappeared and only reappeared when he realized I wasn't rescinding the child support request. I don't need to defend my choices to anyone nor be sympathetic to the man that ghosted me after he didn't need me anymore, who ignored the baby I kept insisting was his, and who left his own wife for months at a time to live in hotels because he couldn't stand her bipolar aggressions.

 

I don't. I let him walk all over me because I thought I loved him, I had false visions months back that he could be a good dad to baby but being out of the fog I am acutely aware of what is real now. All I need to focus on is protecting baby's needs. No one here may agree with my course of action, it is mine to take and mine alone.

 

 

I also wanted to say....this sounds like you are exacting retribution for how you feel/view you were treated and have no qualms in using his daughter to exact it.

 

If you could only feel how your daughter will feel about being used.....more accurately being robbed. How she will feel that you feel you are owed something or who is entitled to a greater say for doing what every parent is legally bound to provide....care for their child.

 

Parents are not supposed to keep a tally of everything they have done for their child.....they are supposed to give it lovingly and with great honour.

Edited May 11, 2016 by AlwaysGrowing

[noelle303]

Young parents too often believe this fallacy.

 

We do not own our children. Our children are not us.

 

Whatever your experiences have been with this XMM and BW are yours....and yours alone....they were experienced and processed through an affair dynamic relationship/s.

 

Your daughter is his daughter. Your daughter is her step daughter. Your daughter is the half sibling to numerous other children. Your daughters role in all their lives is not the same as your role in any of theirs.

 

Your daughter has a seperate life and relationship with all those people....her life extends beyond just you.

 

It might be wise to try to view life through your daughters lens.

 

This is a great post and a good perspective.

 

What I experienced with xMM when I got pregnant was also very hurtful. But my daughter will never know or hear about that. She has her own relationship to form with him, his wife and her brothers, independently of me.

 

It's just part of being a parent, sometimes you have to swallow your pride and your hurt, ger over yourself and do what is best for your children. And trust me, standing in the way of her relationship with her father is not what is best for her.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Mayday2016, your account of your court visit was excellent. You did very well and I am thankful that you were able to see exMM for whom He is.

 

I'm also impressed that you didn't visibly react to BW touching your child. From all you've written I commend you on showing consistency, restraint and good judgment on this journey since the birth of your daughter.

 

I understand your desire to deal only with the father of your child when making visitation arrangements rather than with BW, who is at this point essentially a stranger except for the familiarity of her strange boundary-pushing behavior. I believe your attorney told you it is acceptable to the court for you to deal only with exMM.

 

It seems to me that having communication take place through emails as you are doing is a great idea at this point so that it is entirely documented.

 

From the way I read your posts, exMM isn't seeking visitation. From what you've written I'm understanding that unless he communicates with you about arrangements, then no visitation has to occur. Is this so?

 

I'm trying to recall if you're continuing in counseling.

 

Mayday2016, I'm impressed with your steadfast focus on the goal of being a strong mom for your daughter, and the fact that you aren't swayed by popular opinion. I encourage you as you stay the course which you have so resolutely begun! You know what you are about, what you want for your child, and you are prepared to follow through. Good job so far, Mayday2016!

[whatatangledweb]

Was your child support put in place? Does he have to pay your legal fees? Why are you having two mediations?

[sandylee1]

May,

 

All the things you've done with your baby... I did the same and I'm married. I was the one waking up in the night to breast or bottle feed. I was the one to take them to clinic appointments and Dr's appointments ... I was the around when the midwife came ... but that is the case with most mothers.

 

Of course he came home after work and played with the baby.. and fed here and changed diapers ... but by and large moms are the ones doing the heavy work with babies.

[S2B]

He lives in a different state. I agreed to two weeks during the summer, that's up to him if he puts it into effect. His lawyer strong armed me into agreeing driving 1000 miles (halfway point) to drop the kids off with him then drive back to my state then drive back to the halfway point then drive back to my state. He hasn't said when he wants them, in fact he hasn't called them in 6 months...

 

Kids? Do you have more than one baby with this MM?

[Ms. Faust]

Kids? Do you have more than one baby with this MM?

 

Her husband's kids. May is still married (albeit, in the middle of a divorce).

[Adoraxx]

I'm really proud of you, May, I think you're handling it very well and I wouldn't feel comfortable either with leaving my tiny infant behind with someone you don't know at all and who is supposedly bipolar. A baby (and a toddler too ) is so small and defenseless!!

 

Keep your head up high and stick to your gut feeling. I'm really glad that you were able to see xMM for the narcissist (**$(&&@(*(@) that he is !!! That's so much better than still believing the 'fantasy' about him (talking just as much about myself & xMM here )

 

Hugs,

Adoraxx

[wmacbride]

He lives in a different state. I agreed to two weeks during the summer, that's up to him if he puts it into effect. His lawyer strong armed me into agreeing driving 1000 miles (halfway point) to drop the kids off with him then drive back to my state then drive back to the halfway point then drive back to my state. He hasn't said when he wants them, in fact he hasn't called them in 6 months...

 

This is quite a normal arrangement. Many parents meet half way for visitation exchanges, or at least split the cost. i don't know of many who have been mandated to foot the bill 100%.

 

He will also be driving half way, so that sounds completely fair.

[wmacbride]

Mayday,

 

I am in your corner but I really want you to examine what your goals are and how you can best achieve them. You WANT him to be a part of her life. You WANT her to know his family and be accepted, not a secret.

 

I am so very pleased that you feel over MM. But I think it's time to let go of your anger at his wife. It's coloring your perceptions and literally standing in the way of you achieving what you want for your daughter.

 

Please reconsider trying to box her out. It is actually entirely reasonable for a couple in reconciliation to agree that the wandering spouse have no contact with the affair partner. In your case, she has acknowledged that there needs to be contact but she needs boundaries to help her feel safe. The email account does that for her. It's not malicious. I think given MM's lack of interest in her, that the best way for the two of them to be together would be to have his wife there. He may not know how to react if she cries or gets fussy, his wife will know.

 

I am amazed that your attorney isn't advising the establishment of an amicable relationship with both of them. Actually, astounded is more like it. This is in the best interests of your daughter primarily but it also reduces court costs and stress/anxiety overall. Have you projected that you are so adamant against her that he is merely agreeing?

 

Mayday, after all that you have been through, I hate to ask you to make one more painful discovery. But please consider searching your heart over your anger and distrust of MM's wife. I genuinely would not advocate for you to do this if it wasn't truly in yours and your daughter's best interests.

 

And hopefully support has now been ordered and you will begin to receive some funds? (I think you said it has.)

 

It sounds t me like the lawyer involved is fanning the flames because he or she is looking at their final bill. The more they can drag it out, the larger that bill will be.

 

If the op doesn't want to have any contact with her ex-mm or his w, surely some sort of experienced and neutral third party can be found who can facilitate visitation, etc. That way, there doesn't have to be any contact at all.

[wmacbride]

This is a great post and a good perspective.

 

What I experienced with xMM when I got pregnant was also very hurtful. But my daughter will never know or hear about that. She has her own relationship to form with him, his wife and her brothers, independently of me.

 

It's just part of being a parent, sometimes you have to swallow your pride and your hurt, ger over yourself and do what is best for your children. And trust me, standing in the way of her relationship with her father is not what is best for her.

 

You are very right about this, and the older your kids get, the more one realizes that they have been gifted with little lives whom need care, protection, and most importantly, a sense of confidence and independence.

 

My kids are older now, but i realized when they were young, that from the minute you first hold them in your arms, they are growing up and away from you. Breaks your heart as a mother:( but it's true, and there can be great joy in watching them grow, learn and find their happiness.

 

As an aside, there are well known verses that describe this:

On Children- Khalil Griban

 

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

 

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

 

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stab

[stillafool]

 

 

The wife emailed me several times trying to set up visitation. I emailed back I would prefer to discuss this over the telephone. He emailed that "out of respect for his wife" I need to use the email account she set up for all communication.

May, why did you want to discuss visitation by phone instead of email? I thought you wanted them to only respond to you by email. Is this a mistake you wrote?

 

I told him I would prefer a public place we could mutually agree on but that baby is so stressed out by numerous people in her face trying to interact with her I believe it's best if we introduce everyone slowly.

 

May I didn't know you were out interacting with other people to the point that your baby is stressed out by all the people in her face. I think it's good that you and the kids are getting out of the house and seeing people.

 

I saw the hurt he put me through and now I realize he wants things his way with no consideration to my daughters needs or any respect for the horrific way he treated me.

 

This is something you and his wife have in common. I'm sure she would say the exact same thing about him and their daughter.

 

I do however, thinks his wife is insanely interested in my daughter and her push for visitation shows me they may be cooking something up. Again, speculation but my gut has not been wrong yet.

 

What do you think they are cooking up regarding your baby?

[Ms. Faust]

This is quite a normal arrangement. Many parents meet half way for visitation exchanges, or at least split the cost. i don't know of many who have been mandated to foot the bill 100%.

 

He will also be driving half way, so that sounds completely fair.

 

Usually the one who moves that far away is the one who has to make travel arrangements and foot the cost. May's story is unusual in that 1) her husband did not compel the courts to move back to the area when she moved with the kids 90 minutes away from where she resided with her spouse (the court does not like children moved that far away during a divorce... Hell, they don't like the kids taken out of the school district) and 2) the husband moved out of state.

It is odd that May now has to foot half the responsibility and 100% the bill for travel when (if we are to take May's word) it was her husband who moved out of state.

[anika99]

I have had to go through emails texts and messages. I have very damning evidence that this woman should not be around my child. I won't say anymore. This is not a time to place nice.i have been my daughters sole guardian. Midnight, 2 am, 4 am, 6 am feeds have been me and still are me. Every doc appointment has been me. Everything has been me. She still doesn't sleep through the night. I get to decide what is best for her as he disappeared and only reappeared when he realized I wasn't rescinding the child support request. I don't need to defend my choices to anyone nor be sympathetic to the man that ghosted me after he didn't need me anymore, who ignored the baby I kept insisting was his, and who left his own wife for months at a time to live in hotels because he couldn't stand her bipolar aggressions.

 

I don't. I let him walk all over me because I thought I loved him, I had false visions months back that he could be a good dad to baby but being out of the fog I am acutely aware of what is real now. All I need to focus on is protecting baby's needs. No one here may agree with my course of action, it is mine to take and mine alone.

 

Yes you mentioned those emails in another thread. You said they were emails from HIM, the MM, describing his wife's poor mental health and that he even told you that she was in an intensive outpatient program. So why aren't you presenting those emails to your lawyer? Are you going to bring them to your mediation? Seems to me that it would be pretty easy for court to do a background check on her to determine if she has a history of mental illness or not. Instead of playing cat and mouse games with them regarding visitation why not just be forthcoming and present these emails so that the matter of her mental health can be addressed and put to rest? Is there a part of you that is afraid to find out that the MM could of lied about her? Are you keeping those emails to yourself because they are the only reason you have to hold onto your hate for his wife and you don't want anyone to take that away from you?