His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[rainbowsandkittens]

[Non-conforming content redacted]

 

But the more you protest that this is really for the baby rather than you fighting because he hurt YOU- the longer this is going to go on for. And really- She's the innocent in all this.

 

[Non-conforming content redacted]

 

I know your in IC but I think you really need to work harder at letting this go and focusing on what's best for your daughter. It's normal to feel hurt and abandoned by him. To want things to be different. But at a certain point you need to realize that it's not going to happen. No way no how. And you need to start working on what's truly best. I hope you can get to that point. Your daughter can only benefit from that.

Edited June 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Post edited to conforming content and member suspended

[Doublegold]

Mayday, continue to take care of yourself and your precious daughter. You sound SO much stronger than before and please know there are people who have only best wishes for you and your daughter as you navigate the future as best you can.

 

Keep moving forward. Take care.

[Lady Hamilton]

I nursed her, he kept his back to us. I laid her in the bassinet, he refused to look down at her. He did hold her when she was 6 days old. He begged me to meet him at a hotel because he was 'depressed' and needed me to "love him".. I figured it was my last chance since 2 weeks before that he had 'broken up' with me. I told him I needed to grab something from the car so I laid baby on one of the double beds and left the room. When I came back he was swaying with her in his arms patting her back awkwardly. He waited a minute or two before giving her back to me. That is the only t

 

So then "not meeting the baby" isn't exactly true...

 

Time to start adjusting to the reality that he isn't leaving his wife, she is his today, tomorrow, and forever, and they have a right to be in the baby's life.

 

The sooner you adjust and facilitate, the faster and easier the transition becomes. You do owe it to your daughter to let her father get I know her, his wife, and her siblings.

 

It will be hard. It will suck. But it is necessary.

[Blanco]

He's got rights to see the child, but insofar as being with him and having a nice little family unit with him and your daughter? Totally unrealistic, and moreover, probably a bad idea in the long run even if he, against all odds, left his family for you.

 

You need to stay mindful that this is a guy who, despite being married and having a child, was frequenting a site explicitly set up for adultery. What makes you think someone so lacking in decency would suddenly become a "family man" for you? He already was and he's shown how seriously he takes that role.

 

And that's without even considering how utterly disposable he treated you during the affair. Having a pregnant woman come to the driveway of his married home for sexual release is the action of a sociopath.

[sandylee1]

A more natural environment would certainly be a lot better for your DD. The place you described seems so cloning .... almost like a police ID suite where the suspect can't see the witnesses for security reasons.

 

Perhaps after doing the long trip for a while and seeing that it's not the best set up you'll have a change of heart.

[Mayday2016]

A more natural environment would certainly be a lot better for your DD. The place you described seems so cloning .... almost like a police ID suite where the suspect can't see the witnesses for security reasons.

 

Perhaps after doing the long trip for a while and seeing that it's not the best set up you'll have a change of heart.

 

 

His wife chose it. She chose it days before our mediation. They went into mediation wanting this place for his visitations. The fake profile she used to gain access to my family only Facebook she used to post on the facility Facebook's page where she stupidly gave them her email (the one she told me to use to send her and xMM photos of the baby) asking for visitation materials and how to volunteer info just days before our mediation.

[MuddyFootprints]

It wasn't stupid. Calculating, perhaps, but isn't that the game you are both playing?

 

Poor kids.

[Mayday2016]

It wasn't stupid. Calculating, perhaps, but isn't that the game you are both playing?

 

Poor kids.

 

 

 

I'm not playing a game. This is my daughter's future (and her present). I'm not playing fast and loose when it comes to my baby. I am doing what my instinct is telling me to; and my instinct says I need to protect her because something feels 'off.' A lot of folks disagree with me and keep saying, "but she's the only one pushing for visitation" .. And you know what? I have this gnawing feeling in my gut if I let her around my daughter it won't serve my daughter very well. You all can hem and say things like, "it's because you still want xMM and you want him to be your family man" and you know what? That's fine. In all of this, I never really cared how anyone else viewed me but I've suffered a whole hell of a lot and I'd rather limit my daughter's potential future suffering- something tells me if I open that door to his wife right now, all she will be is a huge pain in the ass and stress my baby the heck out. The stress now is hurting my milk supply, I'm not going to let any further stress screw with her food source.

[MuddyFootprints]

What do you suppose caused the delayed "gut reaction"?

 

You are right. Something definitely "feels off."

[anika99]

We go back to court in September for a second mediation to accomplish God knows what.

 

 

The 2nd mediation will be to see how the visitation is going. If it has gone well then the time the MM gets the baby will be increased and the restrictions will be a little relaxed. You didn't think the current arrangement is going to go on forever did you? If the MM proves himself to be consistent and trustworthy then eventually he will get full days with his daughter and possibly weekends.

[anika99]

His wife chose it. She chose it days before our mediation. They went into mediation wanting this place for his visitations. The fake profile she used to gain access to my family only Facebook she used to post on the facility Facebook's page where she stupidly gave them her email (the one she told me to use to send her and xMM photos of the baby) asking for visitation materials and how to volunteer info just days before our mediation.

 

His wife is inflexible because of your inflexiblity. She is rigid because you have been determined to have communication with her husband since this whole saga began and she rightfully does not want that.

 

 

You may not be playing a game now but you definitely were playing games in the beginning and using your daughter to do it. The object of the game was to use your daughter to keep the MM involved with you. He was supposed to come and have visits with his daughter with you present, maybe go on little family outings, just the 3 of you with no BW in sight. Basically the game was to use the baby to lure the MM to you and keep the affair going. Now that you know there is no way in hell that is ever going to happen you don't want to play this game anymore, the game that you started.

 

 

Perhaps the MM isn't serious about visitation and will slowly just fade away and you won't have to deal with this but if he does bond with the baby and wants his visitation increased without all the restrictions, it will happen. That's why there will be a second mediation, and then likely a third and fourth mediation. The goal is to have the MM have unsupervised unrestricted visits with his daughter for longer and longer periods of time. You will not be able to dictate how this goes forever.

[Sub]

... all she will be is a huge pain in the ass and stress my baby the heck out.

 

Well, how well will this current arrangement work out for all of you? Your baby's going to make an hour and a half long trip to a "facility" to be handed off by a stranger to a man she doesn't know for an hour or so every week.

 

Maybe a different approach is in order.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Mayday2016, so good to get your update! Haven't had time to read the last several pages of this thread but did want to weigh in to say it seems to me all is going quite well for your little one with the recent arrangements and the way things turned out during and as a result of mediation.

 

Given both exMM's and his BW's behavior that you have posted since the beginning of your thread and that I have thoughtfully read, it seems to me it is best for your child that neither exMM nor BW is involved in her young life. From what you've written I doubt he'll be able to find the time for visitation and believe that you'll be able to raise her yourself.

 

Your little one sounds precious! So glad you're enjoying her! And glad to have you back to post of your sensible, intelligent, responsible dealings concerning the welfare of your daughter.

[Mayday2016]

What do you suppose caused the delayed "gut reaction"?

 

You are right. Something definitely "feels off."

 

 

It's not delayed. It's been there since even before she learned of my existence. If you read this thread I address my growing concerns over and over. The fact that every time I'm somehow in town, she just coincidently drives by my apartment (which is a side street one wouldn't even take as a short cut) and that she created a profile on Facebook emulating someone I used to go to school with so she could gain access to private postings (after I blocked all her other avenues) solidifies my fear there are obsessive thoughts cycling through her head.

 

This is about baby's welfare. I have taken care of my daughter by myself, it's been hard enough but throw in an erratic BW and an xMM that is still trying to postpone any responsibility the court says he owes baby, and it hasn't been a walk in the park. I love my kids though and if anything this messy, messy ordeal has taught me is that even though I have always been submissive and passive and allowed everyone to walk all over me, when it comes to my babes I really do have some balls. I'm starting to fight, I never fought before. I let a 12 year marriage keep me locked away and then I had a xMM that I gave up the rest of my dignity and self-respect for; I'm not making concessions on behalf of my kids, I'm putting their well-being at the forefront. I've cut off all emotion because it left me vulnerable making piss poor decisions, look at how I allowed xMM treat me when I was 8 months pregnant. This is about more than just me now; I'm not some petty scorned other woman, I'm a Momma Bear with a gut instinct to keep his wife away from my kid.

[Maddieandtae]

May do you think you might be a little worried that baby/xmm&bs will all bond as a family unit along with half sibling? Is that perhaps why you are "fighting" so hard? I've never been in your situation and I can only imagine how hard this is on all involved. Look you know your current situation for what it is and I can only quess what the other people involved are really doing but I think you need to refocus your thoughts away from the BS and what she supposedly is and accept what then xmm is. You know from your interactions with him for the most part who he is but you know nothing of his wife just a lot of second hand info and which comes from a lot of untrustworthy sources:(

Edited June 12, 2016 by Maddieandtae
...

[stillafool]

 

This is about more than just me now; I'm not some petty scorned other woman, I'm a Momma Bear with a gut instinct to keep his wife away from my kid.

 

I see your hate and distain for the BW however where is the hate for the person who has treated you the worse, which is MM. Why aren't you as angry with him as his wife? He is the one who made you use your own money to move closer to him knowing you are a single mom, supporting kids. You had to use money that should be for them to move closer to him. He was so rotten he didn't offer a dime to help. This same man turned his back on you once you became pregnant and wanted nothing to do with you except casual sex at his convenience. Then after his baby was born wanted nothing to do with her at all. So I ask you May where is your hate and mistrust of him? Are you going to drop all of this so your baby doesn't have to see MM or his wife?

[minimariah]

...I'm a Momma Bear with a gut instinct to keep his wife away from my kid.

 

the LAW is above your Momma Bear gut instincts - i don't think you're aware of that and it might cost you.

[BlueIris]

You’re incorrectly defining the threat to you and your daughter. He is the threat. She isn’t.

 

He's triangulated you. He uses and lies to two people who don’t even know each other and wouldn’t cross paths. He sets them against each other to avoid responsibility for creating the problem. I’ll bet you a nickel that in the next few years he will find another gullible affair partner and play the same game: yet again, that he will be that poor pitiable victim of the bad people (2 now) but because he loves those kids so very much, he just can’t leave. Oh my, the turmoil and impossibility of this terrible situation that others thrust onto him, so sad.

 

I don’t understand why the two people who get lied to and used don’t end up allies. I wouldn’t want that guy anywhere near my kids and since the default in courts these days is that both parents get access, I’d cut a deal so fast to disappear from their lives and not worry about a penny just so I could keep my child from growing up around someone like that.

[bathtub-row]

I don't know - maybe I'm reading this all wrong but I think all these restrictions on visitation has to do with the BS and her erratic behavior. Not only that, she has a proven record of being mentally unstable. I'm not sure how that's ever going to be worked out so that everyone feels confident that the baby is safe.

 

Wow, I'm just thinking about their marriage and what a complete hot mess it is. I often wonder what kinds of conversations they have between one another. And how on earth is it going to last?

[minimariah]

I don't know - maybe I'm reading this all wrong but I think all these restrictions on visitation has to do with the BS and her erratic behavior.

 

i thought Mayday said the restrictions were actually BS's idea because she doesn't want xMM to interact with Mayday?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Mayday, I don't sense or notice any disdain or hatred on your part for the BS in this situation, but rather disdain for her behavior, and rightly so.

 

To me, her behavior has clearly been intrusive in many ways. This is not to say I view her as a bad person but it seems to me she's a person who is unstable and has exhibited inappropriate behavior many times, not just once or twice.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I don't know - maybe I'm reading this all wrong but I think all these restrictions on visitation has to do with the BS and her erratic behavior. Not only that, she has a proven record of being mentally unstable. I'm not sure how that's ever going to be worked out so that everyone feels confident that the baby is safe.

 

Wow, I'm just thinking about their marriage and what a complete hot mess it is. I often wonder what kinds of conversations they have between one another. And how on earth is it going to last?

 

 

I agree, bathtub-row. My thought has been all along, and more so as Mayday continues to post updates, that the marriage of exMM and BW probably won't last. To me, from what Mayday has posted, neither exMM nor BW seems capable, at this point, of a healthy relationship.

 

I sincerely believe that May has dodged a bullet with having exMM disappear from her life and that this experience will be very helpful in shoring up May's resolve to never again consider exMM as relationship worthy, though his marriage may end.

[minimariah]

To me, from what Mayday has posted, neither exMM nor BW seems capable, at this point, of a healthy relationship.

 

i think their relationship was NEVER a healthy one to begin with - which is exactly why it will most likely last for a very long time.

[imperfectangel]

His wife needs to understand that as parents you WILL at some point need to speak to MM face at face. You can't go through other people forever

[Lady Hamilton]

None of this makes sense...

 

BW is crazy and erratic according to her own lawyer, but apparently in mediation she can pick out where visitation (that she's not being allowed to attend) occurs and nobody can say no?

 

OP invokes the "mama bear" defense based on a "gut feeling" and she feels that's her right, but the BS checks out the OP and the woman who had a child with her husband and that makes her a crazy stalker?

 

Op refuses to expose the baby to the crazy BW, but OP allows her to dictate custody?

 

He doesn't want to be involved so she doesn't want to make custody easy, but BW is reaching out to set up custody, researching a facility to make it happen, and goes to court just so she can lay eyes on her stepdaughter? And he pushed for mediation again in Sept?

 

Generally people who want nothing to do with their kid don't show up to court repeatedly, go to mediation, hire lawyers, and research places to have visitation, much less schedule another date to revisit it 3 months later. They up and vanish, skip court, don't agree to arrears, or they sign rights away.

 

OP say it has nothing to do about being hurt that this life she pictured didn't happen, but then she says that she is hurt and been hurt and is tired of hurting and that's why she does what she does...

 

The woman was probably researching the facility because her husband asked her to, she wants to learn about the place that will facilitate an agreement, she has a vested interest in the child, and she wants to make sure it's suitable for thier mutual child to go and meet the baby... Hardly crazy. That's basic due diligence.

 

After all, he walked into mediation with that location and proposal, not OP. Which means that household is digging to find how to make a relationship with the child. It also means they walked in armed with more solutions and informed visitation opinions than OP, who only presented solutions that didn't guarantee enforcement of their one stipulation... OP being nowhere near him.

 

It almost sounds like they think she is a threat, to their marriage or otherwise, in some way and they are doing this to ensure that they're not exposed to her.

 

I feel like on some other forum somewhere there's a BS talking about how she's trying to rebuild her marriage after an affair where the OW had a baby and the OW is acting in the manner the BW is accused of acting on this forum.

 

OP... I get you're tired of hurting, but this isn't the way to go about preventing it. This creates more, not less hurt, and it hurts the baby. And honestly, the focus shouldn't be on your hurt and what you don't want for yourself but the best interests of the baby and what she needs.

Edited June 12, 2016 by Lady Hamilton