His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[LivingWaterPlease]

i think their relationship was NEVER a healthy one to begin with - which is exactly why it will most likely last for a very long time.

 

 

Good point, minimariah! I agree with you that the dysfunction of WH's and BW's marriage could be the glue holding it together. I had already thought of that and didn't mention it as I didn't want to take the discussion into another realm other than what OP has intended this thread to be. But, I admit that I already did that by mentioning I doubt his marriage will last. I do think it's a factor that could possibly relate to the long term happiness of May's daughter but is probably not pertinent to the immediate concerns of May. Didn't mean to thread jack, though!

 

One of the reasons I believe it won't hold them together, though, is the fact that they've been separated already. It's my understanding that having a separation in the history of a couple makes it more likely for them to part later on.

 

Since I've lived with a bipolar person I'm familiar with the types of behaviors they present with, left untreated, and the fact that, though many bipolar people stay on meds so that they function well enough in relationships, many go on and off their meds and life with those types can be very difficult.

 

Because of information OP has posted about BW's bipolar behavior (and I don't know that all the inappropriate behavior she has manifested can be attributed to bipolar, some of it can be, especially that which exMM's lawyer has acknowledged) it seems to me she's not on meds, or has been and has gone off of them from time-to-time. I doubt her WH will choose to endure this type of behavior for a lifetime, given, as I've already mentioned, that he has already chosen to separate from her once. Only time will tell, though.

Edited June 12, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[Cloudcuckoo]

I cannot even begin to fathom the difficulties involving these three adults, but I do think it's so terribly sad that none of them seem capable of setting aside their feelings to engender a healthy environment for a child to foster healthy bonds for the future.

 

While the 'grown ups' fight and bicker amongst themselves, this wee mite could be bonding with two families.

 

My personal view is that all this furore over the very dubious deliberations about a woman's mental health is grossly exaggerated and a smoke screen...

 

Children are loaned to us for such a short time, it seems such a shame to expend energy in battle that averts our attention to what's most important. Making the most of all the precious time we have with them today. Tomorrow has yet to be discovered.

[stillafool]

I'm not playing a game. This is my daughter's future (and her present). I'm not playing fast and loose when it comes to my baby. I am doing what my instinct is telling me to; and my instinct says I need to protect her because something feels 'off.' A lot of folks disagree with me and keep saying, "but she's the only one pushing for visitation" .. And you know what? I have this gnawing feeling in my gut if I let her around my daughter it won't serve my daughter very well. You all can hem and say things like, "it's because you still want xMM and you want him to be your family man" and you know what? That's fine. In all of this, I never really cared how anyone else viewed me but I've suffered a whole hell of a lot and I'd rather limit my daughter's potential future suffering- something tells me if I open that door to his wife right now, all she will be is a huge pain in the ass and stress my baby the heck out. The stress now is hurting my milk supply, I'm not going to let any further stress screw with her food source.

 

So if you instinct is telling you your baby could be in danger are you planning on asking him to give up rights to your baby?

[stillafool]

His wife needs to understand that as parents you WILL at some point need to speak to MM face at face. You can't go through other people forever

 

They can speak face to face but only with his wife present.

[minimariah]

I doubt her WH will choose to endure this type of behavior for a lifetime...

 

keep in mind that xMM isn't emotionally OR mentally stable - his relationship with the OP was ALSO an unhealthy one. i agree with Lady Hamilton - a LOT just doesn't add up and i think Mayday has demons of her own to deal with.

Edited June 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[goodyblue]

So if you instinct is telling you your baby could be in danger are you planning on asking him to give up rights to your baby?

 

Why do people ask this? In the states at least, a parent cannot just sign over rights unless there is someone in line to adopt the child.

 

I don't know about other countries.

[goodyblue]

They can speak face to face but only with his wife present.

 

Mayday doesn't EVER have to go through XMM's wife and doesn't have to be around her ever. The baby will eventually if XMM takes the baby to his home, but for Mayday... there is no need to worry about whAt BS wants. That is XMM baby to rock.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Mayday doesn't EVER have to go through XMM's wife and doesn't have to be around her ever. The baby will eventually if XMM takes the baby to his home, but for Mayday... there is no need to worry about whAt BS wants. That is XMM baby to rock.

 

Nobody EVER said that she has to go 'through' the married mans wife, nor does she have to be around her.

 

The real tragedy is that wee girl is out in the middle of all this silliness.....

[goodyblue]

Nobody EVER said that she has to go 'through' the married mans wife, nor does she have to be around her.

 

The real tragedy is that wee girl is out in the middle of all this silliness.....

 

Agreed. Unfortunately it is that way for a lot of children who's parents are not together. But it is true that May need never interact with or allow the BS to dictate anything.

[LivingWaterPlease]

keep in mind that xMM isn't emotionally OR mentally stable --- his relationship with the OP was ALSO an unhealthy one. i agree with Lady Hamilton - a LOT just doesn't add up and i think Mayday has demons of her own to deal with.

 

 

Yes, I've considered that xMM isn't emotionally or mentally stable and have stated as much in my posts.

 

I don't believe anyone on this thread has considered or stated that xMM's relationship with OP was healthy.

 

From all I've read of Mayday's posts she has been consistent and has followed a remarkably and demonstrably strong and sincere pathway to a healthier way of behaving than when she participated in her R with exMM.

 

I am quite impressed with Mayday's independence and her core strength in staying focused on her goal of providing a healthy environment for her daughter to be reared in, even as she writes of it here in this thread.

 

I am also impressed that she has seen exMM for who he is and no longer is interested in having a relationship with him.

 

In my opinion Mayday has learned a lot in her relatively short life and is learning from her mistakes and applying what she has learned to better life for both her children and herself.

Edited June 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[dreamingoftigers]

Mayday doesn't EVER have to go through XMM's wife and doesn't have to be around her ever. The baby will eventually if XMM takes the baby to his home, but for Mayday... there is no need to worry about whAt BS wants. That is XMM baby to rock.

 

Stillafool was reiterating the stance that the BW & MM laid out for Mayday.

 

Mayday, of course, has chosen not to agree to that and is insistant on setting up ways for her and MM to have private contact which has not worked.

[goodyblue]

Stillafool was reiterating the stance that the BW & MM laid out for Mayday.

 

Mayday, of course, has chosen not to agree to that and is insistant on setting up ways for her and MM to have private contact which has not worked.

 

Right. I admit I have not every single post very long thread. At some point they will have to either agree to visits or the court will. It is possible mayday may not deal with the MM for visits and there could be a third party exchange, but she still won't have to deal with BS. If it were me, I would want BS in solved in things if she will be involved in the care of the baby.

[imperfectangel]

They can speak face to face but only with his wife present.

 

Well long term that isn't going to work is it? They're parents, not the w. Obviously yes the w will be involved but as parents they'll be things through the years that they need to discuss, even hospital visits, graduation etc wifey needs to realise she can't control everything

[Cloudcuckoo]

Agreed. Unfortunately it is that way for a lot of children who's parents are not together. But it is true that May need never interact with or allow the BS to dictate anything.

 

Unfortunately, if the Father is to be involved in the little one's life, as has already been said, then so is his wife by default as long as she's his wife.

 

The child will be a stepchild to the BS whether anyone likes it or not, and cutting off ones nose to spite the face does nothing at all for the child's future equilibrium within her two families.

 

I'll say it again. The little one should be put FIRST. The agenda of each of the adults must be set aside to do what's best on all fronts for her. It seems to be an insurmountable problem for any of them to agree on anything.

[Lady Hamilton]

Being involved isn't control.

 

And "wifey" certainly does have a say in all of this. It's her husband, her stepdaughter, and income coming from her household. At some point, she will be in care of the child.

 

There are very few of us who, if it were us in BW's place who'd say "sure, you can demand I stay away and you have only one-on-one meetings with my husband on your schedule about the child... Go for it! I'll just sit here with our child and wait for further instructions."

 

The woman was promised an R, she can see that the baby is being used as leverage to cut her out of her own marriage.

 

This isn't negotiating hospital visits or graduation (though she should be at those too), but basic custody. OP only wants to talk to BW's husband privately about visitation and to set up and maintain visitation, and she wants her to not be involved in seeing the baby... Period. That's not realistic and it's not realistic to think BW would be fine with that.

[imperfectangel]

Well at first no she shouldn't be seeing the baby. The baby needs to get to know MM first and then in time have the bs introduced to her and then siblings etc whether she likes it or not they will at some point in the next 20 years speak privately, multiple times

[Cloudcuckoo]

Well long term that isn't going to work is it? They're parents, not the w. Obviously yes the w will be involved but as parents they'll be things through the years that they need to discuss, even hospital visits, graduation etc wifey needs to realise she can't control everything

 

I don't believe it's been mentioned anywhere that 'wifey' wants to control everything. What she obviously wants is to be sure that she is not excluded. A perfectly reasonable request under the circumstances. Those being that her husband has created a life with a woman other than his wife without her knowledge or consent.

 

Her intentions, I don't believe, are misguided but clumsy perhaps.

 

It's been repeated again and again, whether one cares for it or not, the married man has a wife, a child with his wife, and that means step parenting is inevitable whether now or in the near future.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well long term that isn't going to work is it? They're parents, not the w. Obviously yes the w will be involved but as parents they'll be things through the years that they need to discuss, even hospital visits, graduation etc wifey needs to realise she can't control everything

 

Mayday will more likely have to realize that she can't control MM's parenting or marriage.

 

And that short of a divorce, his wife likes won't just disappear.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well at first no she shouldn't be seeing the baby. The baby needs to get to know MM first and then in time have the bs introduced to her and then siblings etc whether she likes it or not they will at some point in the next 20 years speak privately, multiple times

 

Why should the child meet her stepparent and half sister in these weird stages?

 

That's her family.

Those are her other set of parents.

 

Frankly, it seems that the BW will go through whatever hoops necessary, including getting evaluated to prove herself fit. The only control here is coming from Mayday.

[imperfectangel]

Mayday will more likely have to realize that she can't control MM's parenting or marriage.

 

And that short of a divorce, his wife likes won't just disappear.

 

I complete agree but to say May and MM can't ever been alone together is completely unrealistic given a lifelong timeline has been set. Hopefully in time bs will feel more secure in her marriage and will see this

[Cloudcuckoo]

Well at first no she shouldn't be seeing the baby. The baby needs to get to know MM first and then in time have the bs introduced to her and then siblings etc whether she likes it or not they will at some point in the next 20 years speak privately, multiple times

 

Hmmm...

 

Pie in the sky perhaps..

 

Realistically, all matters, whether discussed between the married man and May out of earshot or in the presence of his wife, will inevitably be relayed to her and mooted, as there are two families to consider so privacy will have no meaning when it comes to doing what needs to be done for ALL the children involved.

[Lady Hamilton]

I complete agree but to say May and MM can't ever been alone together is completely unrealistic given a lifelong timeline has been set. Hopefully in time bs will feel more secure in her marriage and will see this

 

I find that more realistic than the idea that MM gets one hour a week of custody overseen in a facility forever or that his wife and their child never be exposed to the child.

 

Honestly, my husband shares custody of his children with his ex... I can't remember the last time they were alone together. It has been over 6-7 years. There's no real reason for them to be alone. And it's not like I demanded that or made it a condition of custody... It's just there is never a reason or occasion for it.

 

Doctors appointments, school events, parent conferences, sporting events, etc... I'm there for all of it. The schedule they set up via a calendar and is largely set, but they make changes via text so he can keep a record of what was agreed to. And regular custody time we, we get them from school and return them to school several days later and she gets them. In the summer, they meet at a public park and usually I'm there too, as is occasionally her man of the moment.

 

Now, if his ex had said "I only meet with you alone to talk about the kids," yeah, that would get a "hell no" from me. That sounds shady and I wouldn't trust her intentions. Most people would have issues with that.

[minimariah]

There's no real reason for them to be alone. And it's not like I demanded that or made it a condition of custody... It's just there is never a reason or occasion for it.

 

^ this. i'm divorced & we have joint custody -- we RARELY see each other; in fact... i've had more alone time with my xH's wife than i did with him.

 

the OP will have to deal with the xMM's wife - i think that's inevitable, especially if she decides to be involved in the child's life... and she will be involved as much as her husband allows her to be and the OP can't really stop that. his wife might be there for the school meetings, events, graduations and so on... as ONE with her husband so i imagine it will be hard to ignore her.

 

one thing that isn't really clear to me = the OP claims the BS is unstable and possibly harmful for the child. if that is the case, shouldn't she address that with her lawyer & the mediator...? because SOMEONE is aware of the fact that she'll play a role in the child's life so if she's potentially dangerous... why wasn't that addressed immediately...? especially if there is some strong evidence.

[anika99]

I complete agree but to say May and MM can't ever been alone together is completely unrealistic given a lifelong timeline has been set. Hopefully in time bs will feel more secure in her marriage and will see this

 

Why is it unrealistic? Once my myself and my kids' father were truly done with each other we were never alone together again. We didn't want to be alone together and there was no reason for us be alone together. Sure we made arrangements over the phone, but that was because neither of us had betrayed our current partners and therefore we had their trust.

 

 

With my last ex I gave him a lot of trust regarding his ex (mother of his son) and his son. I not only trusted him to be alone with his ex without me, he also did lots of things to help her out, like doing repairs at the house and helping her with car troubles, all with my blessing. But again he never cheated on me with her and secondly she and their son were part of his life long before I entered the picture.

 

 

Had I been in his life first and then he cheated on me and had a child with the OW, Oh Hell No. Most likely I would just dump him but if for some reason I stayed there would be no way in hell I would agree to my husband and OW meeting up together for child visitations while insisting I be 100% excluded. That is what Mayday wants and anyone who thinks the BW should agree to that is simply being obtuse.

[Lady Hamilton]

one thing that isn't really clear to me = the OP claims the BS is unstable and possibly harmful for the child. if that is the case, shouldn't she address that with her lawyer & the mediator...? because SOMEONE is aware of the fact that she'll play a role in the child's life so if she's potentially dangerous... why wasn't that addressed immediately...? especially if there is some strong evidence.

 

Supposedly the lawyer for BW and MM had (satisfactory?) answers to all the evidence to her mental instability, but privately told OP and her lawyer that his clients wife was insane and/or crazy.