His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[imperfectangel]

Mayday will more likely have to realize that she can't control MM's parenting or marriage.

 

And that short of a divorce, his wife likes won't just disappear.

 

I complete agree but to say May and MM can't ever been alone together is completely unrealistic given a lifelong timeline has been set. Hopefully in time bs will feel more secure in her marriage and will see this

[Cloudcuckoo]

Well at first no she shouldn't be seeing the baby. The baby needs to get to know MM first and then in time have the bs introduced to her and then siblings etc whether she likes it or not they will at some point in the next 20 years speak privately, multiple times

 

Hmmm...

 

Pie in the sky perhaps..

 

Realistically, all matters, whether discussed between the married man and May out of earshot or in the presence of his wife, will inevitably be relayed to her and mooted, as there are two families to consider so privacy will have no meaning when it comes to doing what needs to be done for ALL the children involved.

[Lady Hamilton]

I complete agree but to say May and MM can't ever been alone together is completely unrealistic given a lifelong timeline has been set. Hopefully in time bs will feel more secure in her marriage and will see this

 

I find that more realistic than the idea that MM gets one hour a week of custody overseen in a facility forever or that his wife and their child never be exposed to the child.

 

Honestly, my husband shares custody of his children with his ex... I can't remember the last time they were alone together. It has been over 6-7 years. There's no real reason for them to be alone. And it's not like I demanded that or made it a condition of custody... It's just there is never a reason or occasion for it.

 

Doctors appointments, school events, parent conferences, sporting events, etc... I'm there for all of it. The schedule they set up via a calendar and is largely set, but they make changes via text so he can keep a record of what was agreed to. And regular custody time we, we get them from school and return them to school several days later and she gets them. In the summer, they meet at a public park and usually I'm there too, as is occasionally her man of the moment.

 

Now, if his ex had said "I only meet with you alone to talk about the kids," yeah, that would get a "hell no" from me. That sounds shady and I wouldn't trust her intentions. Most people would have issues with that.

[minimariah]

There's no real reason for them to be alone. And it's not like I demanded that or made it a condition of custody... It's just there is never a reason or occasion for it.

 

^ this. i'm divorced & we have joint custody -- we RARELY see each other; in fact... i've had more alone time with my xH's wife than i did with him.

 

the OP will have to deal with the xMM's wife - i think that's inevitable, especially if she decides to be involved in the child's life... and she will be involved as much as her husband allows her to be and the OP can't really stop that. his wife might be there for the school meetings, events, graduations and so on... as ONE with her husband so i imagine it will be hard to ignore her.

 

one thing that isn't really clear to me = the OP claims the BS is unstable and possibly harmful for the child. if that is the case, shouldn't she address that with her lawyer & the mediator...? because SOMEONE is aware of the fact that she'll play a role in the child's life so if she's potentially dangerous... why wasn't that addressed immediately...? especially if there is some strong evidence.

[anika99]

I complete agree but to say May and MM can't ever been alone together is completely unrealistic given a lifelong timeline has been set. Hopefully in time bs will feel more secure in her marriage and will see this

 

Why is it unrealistic? Once my myself and my kids' father were truly done with each other we were never alone together again. We didn't want to be alone together and there was no reason for us be alone together. Sure we made arrangements over the phone, but that was because neither of us had betrayed our current partners and therefore we had their trust.

 

 

With my last ex I gave him a lot of trust regarding his ex (mother of his son) and his son. I not only trusted him to be alone with his ex without me, he also did lots of things to help her out, like doing repairs at the house and helping her with car troubles, all with my blessing. But again he never cheated on me with her and secondly she and their son were part of his life long before I entered the picture.

 

 

Had I been in his life first and then he cheated on me and had a child with the OW, Oh Hell No. Most likely I would just dump him but if for some reason I stayed there would be no way in hell I would agree to my husband and OW meeting up together for child visitations while insisting I be 100% excluded. That is what Mayday wants and anyone who thinks the BW should agree to that is simply being obtuse.

[Lady Hamilton]

one thing that isn't really clear to me = the OP claims the BS is unstable and possibly harmful for the child. if that is the case, shouldn't she address that with her lawyer & the mediator...? because SOMEONE is aware of the fact that she'll play a role in the child's life so if she's potentially dangerous... why wasn't that addressed immediately...? especially if there is some strong evidence.

 

Supposedly the lawyer for BW and MM had (satisfactory?) answers to all the evidence to her mental instability, but privately told OP and her lawyer that his clients wife was insane and/or crazy.

[goodyblue]

Why is it unrealistic? Once my myself and my kids' father were truly done with each other we were never alone together again. We didn't want to be alone together and there was no reason for us be alone together. Sure we made arrangements over the phone, but that was because neither of us had betrayed our current partners and therefore we had their trust.

 

 

With my last ex I gave him a lot of trust regarding his ex (mother of his son) and his son. I not only trusted him to be alone with his ex without me, he also did lots of things to help her out, like doing repairs at the house and helping her with car troubles, all with my blessing. But again he never cheated on me with her and secondly she and their son were part of his life long before I entered the picture.

 

 

Had I been in his life first and then he cheated on me and had a child with the OW, Oh Hell No. Most likely I would just dump him but if for some reason I stayed there would be no way in hell I would agree to my husband and OW meeting up together for child visitations while insisting I be 100% excluded. That is what Mayday wants and anyone who thinks the BW should agree to that is simply being obtuse.

 

What you don't seem to understand is if that happened, you would be a step parent and would have no say in visitation or whether the parents were alone. Not legally. Maybe the xmm will discuss with b.s. and they will come to a decision on what parenting time he wants but BS has no legAl standing and how MM and May handle it is up to them and the courts.NOT BS whether anyone likes it or not.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Frankly I think labelling anyone insane while knowing nothing about them but hearsay is utterly ludicrous.

 

It's mean and dangerous to slap such a term on a person with not an ounce of concrete evidence to prove it.

 

People who battle poor mental health are still stigmatised even with our supposed enlightenment on the subject.

[minimariah]

Not legally.

 

but she has a say through her husband; assuming that the xMM will consult and include her in everything. if he does as she wants or insists that she is present during doctor apps, school and sport events... nothing the OP can do about it.

 

the BS technically doesn't have any legal rights, but seeing how she's a team with her husband - she doesn't really need legal rights anyway, she has as much rights as her husband gives her.

[Cloudcuckoo]

What you don't seem to understand is if that happened, you would be a step parent and would have no say in visitation or whether the parents were alone. Not legally. Maybe the xmm will discuss with b.s. and they will come to a decision on what parenting time he wants but BS has no legAl standing and how MM and May handle it is up to them and the courts.NOT BS whether anyone likes it or not.

 

That's the crux of the problem though isn't it? NONE of them are handling it appropriately at all.

Edited June 12, 2016 by Cloudcuckoo

[Lady Hamilton]

As a stepparent you don't have the deciding vote of what happens to the child unless both parents are unavailable, but as a wife, you can certainly say "this woman is a threat, do not be alone with her." In fact, in a BW situation I'd think the standard MO would be to have no contact.

 

The rational and reasonable solution would be to hear that request and set up child exchanges in the way that all people who don't get on do... In a public place or accompanied by somebody.

 

The OP rejects that and insists only on private meetings where the BW is excluded and in an environment that she supervises and/or is nearby and the BW is nowhere around and has no contact with the baby.

 

That is not reasonable. Especially considering many suspect OP is desiring reconciliation. In my state (and possibly all states since I believe spousal right and privledge is a federal thing) that wouldn't even be legal unless there was a serious (and documented) reason for such extreme behavior. Something like a restraining order, history of child abuse/molestation, etc.

 

That isn't present here... Just a OW declaring the BS who has bent over pretty close to backwards to get to see the child is insane, due to "gut instinct."

 

This woman does have rights, and pretty significant ones. She doesn't have to vanish because her husband's former OW is trying to use and set up their parenting relationship to drive her away.

 

Considering the sacred parenting bond between MM and BS wasn't enough to drive the OW off, and she has no legal protections, it's certainly isn't enough to drive off his wife, who has a myriad of rights to protect her in this situation.

[noelle303]

 

 

Had I been in his life first and then he cheated on me and had a child with the OW, Oh Hell No. Most likely I would just dump him but if for some reason I stayed there would be no way in hell I would agree to my husband and OW meeting up together for child visitations while insisting I be 100% excluded. That is what Mayday wants and anyone who thinks the BW should agree to that is simply being obtuse.

 

My xMM's wife allowed him to meet me alone for visiting and exchanging our daughter.

 

I think that's extremely generous of her, I wouldn't blame her if she didn't allow it and would probably just send a family member my daughter is comfortable with to do the exchange/visitation.

 

May, I strongly urge you to look up other visitation options where your child can spend time with her father freely and in a normal setting, and bring them up at the new mediation date in September.

[goodyblue]

but she has a say through her husband; assuming that the xMM will consult and include her in everything. if he does as she wants or insists that she is present during doctor apps, school and sport events... nothing the OP can do about it.

 

the BS technically doesn't have any legal rights, but seeing how she's a team with her husband - she doesn't really need legal rights anyway, she has as much rights as her husband gives her.

 

 

Agreed. But ( and I think this is wrong.) if May told the court things like she is crazy, that she is mad about the affair, resents the child... Nobody knows what a judge would do.

 

I know first hand that getting NO visitation for the father is possible and if May fought hard enough... Who knows.

 

I don't think it is right, I am just saying.

 

Imo May should be trying to figure out not just today but five, ten years down the line. May is in a tough place. She can't trust XMM and I don't know about the BS but there is no way she will ever have warm feelings about May and it could transfer to baby. The embarrassment alone is so huge.

[minimariah]

I know first hand that getting NO visitation for the father is possible and if May fought hard enough... Who knows.

 

true - BUT she'd need a good reason... no? if the xMM is trying to build a relationship with his child + has a supportive BS who also wants to be involved... i kind of doubt the judge would order no visitations based on the OP's words alone. in fact, that might be used by the xMM and his lawyer and she could get sued for parental alienation. like LH said:

 

Supposedly the lawyer for BW and MM had (satisfactory?) answers to all the evidence to her mental instability, but privately told OP and her lawyer that his clients wife was insane and/or crazy.

 

the BS is apparently ill... but that didn't really stop the visitations. the BS didn't get banned from seeing the child or being around the child even though she is apparently mentally ill (?) and her own lawyer tells May's lawyer that she IS crazy. why would their own lawyer sabotage their own case like that...? i just don't get it. and if there is some kind of documentation of her illness, why was not that used by May's lawyer to ban her from being near the kid? my point is - if May had the case to remove the BS, she would have done it already. i don't think she has anything to hold onto to try and remove xMM and his wife from the situation. especially because they are just getting to know the baby.

Edited June 12, 2016 by minimariah

[AlwaysGrowing]

Agreed. But ( and I think this is wrong.) if May told the court things like she is crazy, that she is mad about the affair, resents the child... Nobody knows what a judge would do.

 

I know first hand that getting NO visitation for the father is possible and if May fought hard enough... Who knows.

 

I don't think it is right, I am just saying.

 

Imo May should be trying to figure out not just today but five, ten years down the line. May is in a tough place. She can't trust XMM and I don't know about the BS but there is no way she will ever have warm feelings about May and it could transfer to baby. The embarrassment alone is so huge.

 

 

The family courts where I live would not be in the slightest bit interested in Mays opinion about how the BW may or may not behave....not in the slightest, they would be more inclined to view May as wasting court time.

 

For a parent to lose any visitation let alone ALL visitation, there would have to have been serious child abuse and/or neglect.

 

Even non-payment of child support would not cause a parent to lose visitation.

 

The courts here view the overall benefit of the bonding process for a child to their family.....LONGTERM.

 

The system/society wants to have as few fatherless children as possible in our society, because the stats for fatherless children are not as positive as those children raised with a father/family structure.

 

In Family Law, all parties have rights....and the rights of the child trumps all.

[Lady Hamilton]

Even if she were ill with, say, bipolar disorder that doesn't make her unfit to be around the child. She cares for a child she shares with MM without issue, there is no alarm raised there... And bipolar disorder is a treatable condition.

 

Having a family member who's non-custodial parent is bipolar, the court asked for documentation of the disorder, the treatment plan from the doctor, proof of adherence to the treatment plan, and regularly checking in with an officer of the court to supply proof of remission and control of the disorder.

 

And, as I've stated before, my husband's ex has a serious mental disorder. Despite not having any complaints about her parenting from us and never exhibiting problems with them, during mediation and the associated paperwork her condition had to be declared. She had to submit medical documentation to the judge that satisfied with her that the condition was being effectively managed and a treatment plan was in place. We never saw or even read the paperwork... It was all between her, her legal representation, and the judge. The judge issued a ruling and she too had to check in quarterly (now every 6 months) to confirm she is doing well in her recovery. We didn't request it and we weren't allowed to disallow it. It was all in the child advocate and judges hands.

 

The court made very clear they wanted everybody to be involved, me included. With her, they wanted proof she was safe around the kids, asked if we contested the ruling she was, we declined, and then they set up what was in the best interests of the kids.

Edited June 12, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[goodyblue]

Even if she were ill with, say, bipolar disorder that doesn't make her unfit to be around the child. She cares for a child she shares with MM without issue, there is no alarm raised there... And bipolar disorder is a treatable condition.

 

Having a family member who's non-custodial parent is bipolar, the court asked for documentation of the disorder, the treatment plan from the doctor, proof of adherence to the treatment plan, and regularly checking in with an officer of the court to supply proof of remission and control of the disorder.

 

And, as I've stated before, my husband's ex has a serious mental disorder. Despite not having any complaints about her parenting from us and never exhibiting problems with them, during mediation and the associated paperwork her condition had to be declared. She had to submit medical documentation to the judge that satisfied with her that the condition was being effectively managed and a treatment plan was in place. We never saw or even read the paperwork... It was all between her, her legal representation, and the judge. The judge issued a ruling and she too had to check in quarterly (now every 6 months) to confirm she is doing well in her recovery. We didn't request it and we weren't allowed to disallow it. It was all in the child advocate and judges hands.

 

The court made very clear they wanted everybody to be involved, me included. With her, they wanted proof she was safe around the kids, asked if we contested the ruling she was, we declined, and then they set up what was in the best interests of the kids.

 

Well. I will simply say I know someone intimately who has children. She fought for two years to stop the x from seeing the children and he was not allowed to see those children while her claims were investigAted. In the end no visitation was granted with little actual evidence. The court went mostly by his attitude. Take it for what it's worth.

 

My thinking is the same as most posters, these people should be working toward the best solution for the baby. But that is difficult given the stories she has heard about BS.

[wmacbride]

Mayday will more likely have to realize that she can't control MM's parenting or marriage.

 

And that short of a divorce, his wife likes won't just disappear.

 

ex-mm "wifey" is likely doing the exact same thing as the OP claims to be doing.

 

She has children to think of and she is putting them first y protecting their family unit. She is actually going well above and beyond what most women would do by actively seeking to include her husband's daughter and her step daughter in the family unit.

 

As hurtful as it might be to op to accept, she is not a part of that unit. her daughter is. Her ex-mm wife is a part of her daughter's family unit, as she is her step mother. If she wants mm to be involved in her daughter's life, she needs to accept that is a package deal. He has a family, and she is a part of it.

 

If she can't accept that on her own the courts will mandate that she do so, and it may be in a way she is dead set against. Far better to accept the olive branch being offered by bs.

[wmacbride]

Why do people ask this? In the states at least, a parent cannot just sign over rights unless there is someone in line to adopt the child.

 

I don't know about other countries.

 

This is wrong.

 

Look up surrender documents. A parent can sign over their rights, but that may not absolve them of paying child support.

[goodyblue]

This is wrong.

 

Look up surrender documents. A parent can sign over their rights, but that may not absolve them of paying child support.

 

 

 

In my state it says surrender is rarely accepted by a judge, almost always happens only with abuse cases or someone else is willing to step in and adopt the child.

Edited June 13, 2016 by goodyblue

[anika99]

The family courts where I live would not be in the slightest bit interested in Mays opinion about how the BW may or may not behave....not in the slightest, they would be more inclined to view May as wasting court time.

 

For a parent to lose any visitation let alone ALL visitation, there would have to have been serious child abuse and/or neglect.

 

Even non-payment of child support would not cause a parent to lose visitation.

 

The courts here view the overall benefit of the bonding process for a child to their family.....LONGTERM.

 

The system/society wants to have as few fatherless children as possible in our society, because the stats for fatherless children are not as positive as those children raised with a father/family structure.

 

In Family Law, all parties have rights....and the rights of the child trumps all.

 

This is one hundred percent true where I live as well. When my son was a teen he got an older girl pregnant and when my granddaughter was born the girl and her family tried to shut out my son and his family from visitation. They refused all attempts to work it out with us including mediation. So off to family court we went. When it was their turn to speak the first thing they did was level a slew of untrue accusations against my son. Saying he was violent and had been arrested for drug use. LOL, my son doesn't have a violent bone in his body and he is more antidrug then I am.

 

 

When the girls parents (the girl had abandoned the baby to her parents) started the making these accusations the first thing the judge asked was "have you personally witnessed the father doing these things or do you have proof of him doing these things?" They answered that they had no proof and these were just things they had heard. The judge said "then I don't want to hear it". Later on they did it again and that time the judge got really mad at them and told them if they persisted they would no longer be allowed to speak and they would have to leave the courtroom. After that they shut up and my son was granted supervised visitation for about six weeks. After six weeks he was given full unsupervised weekend visits. When we were walking out the courtroom I saw the other grandmother crying and in that moment I felt compassion for her. I knew she wasn't deliberately being heartless and evil. She didn't personally know my son and she was just genuinely afraid of letting us have visitation, but thank God the judge wasn't swayed by their false accusations.

[Robert]

Reopening thread, I would like to remind members to post responsibly and respond to others within the guidelines of civility and respect. ~V

Edited June 14, 2016 by Robert

[Kimbe333]

Hi OP

 

I hope you are feeling better. I know this has to be very difficult, but you need to give BD up. He just is going to be there as much as he wants. This is the father you chose for your baby.

 

Your attention needs to be on baby. Are you aware that the average cost of raising a child from 0-18 years is about 245000? Half of that is less than 600 a month. You really shouldn't be asking for any more than this. YOu both are responsible.

 

I know you are angry at him, and rightfully so. However, it is not about you. It is about what is best for your kid. Kids thrive with shared parenting, and yes I am saying that as a woman. Please look at the most recent 2014 studies regarding this with 112 plus of the most respected social scientists in the world backing it.

 

OP, sometimes, it is not what can you can do, but what you should do for your daughter, not you.

[Mayday2016]

 

Your attention needs to be on baby. Are you aware that the average cost of raising a child from 0-18 years is about 245000? Half of that is less than 600 a month. You really shouldn't be asking for any more than this. YOu both are responsible.

 

 

OP, sometimes, it is not what can you can do, but what you should do for your daughter, not you.

 

Very contradictory here but I will push ahead. Going for as much child support I can get for my daughter IS in HER best interest. Raising a child doesn't stop at 18. I want my daughter to go to college despite socio-economical disadvantages. If I can get another $200/mo out of him that's 4 years paid for for a state school by the time she's 18. Parenting doesn't thrive within a state calculator either, sometimes a child's financial needs stretch well beyond 'guidelines' .. Him paying 1/8 of his reported monthly salary to care for a child he spends ZERO time with means I'm going to go after all I can; if we did 50/50 parenting it would be a different case but he has left everything up to me. Everything. He can afford to man up to his fiscal responsibility if he won't his parental and even moral.

[Sub]

If I can get another $200/mo out of him that's 4 years paid for for a state school by the time she's 18.

 

The tone of this is a little curious. Do you plan to contribute financially to your daughter's college savings, or are you banking (no pun intended) strictly on the MM for that?