His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[noelle303]

I have a sneaking suspicion that the reason he was not interested in seeing his daughter, at least in the early days, was because he wasn't interested in the package that went along with her.

 

I agree. Or he didn't want his wife to find out and was planning for a quick exit and therefore avoided bonding.

 

Now that his wife knows and is open to having the baby in their lives he may feel different and actually want visitation. Which is why he is seeking it out.

[LivingWaterPlease]

wmacbride, I came back to edit my post to include an explanation to you but stillafool had already posted so I wasn't able to do it.

 

But, I did want to add in reference to the reading comprehension comment I made that almost all of us (I know I do, anyway) read things from time-to-time and misinterpret what we've read so understand how that could have happened when you read the post I explained!

[rainbowsandkittens]

His wife chose the facility. We could have gone to a ymca, a park, or a library but his wife said NO because he is not even allowed to look at me. She is afraid if he even sets eyes on me he will want to restart the affair.

 

My guess is that she's afraid of *you* setting eyes on *him*. I would bet any amount of money that he told her that you pursued him, that you wanted to have this baby so you could be a family, etc. And, of course, she's not going to trust you. I think she trusts him (as much as she's able to) since he's clearly complying with what she asked of him. You're the wild card.

[Sub]

My guess is that she's afraid of *you* setting eyes on *him*. I would bet any amount of money that he told her that you pursued him, that you wanted to have this baby so you could be a family, etc. And, of course, she's not going to trust you. I think she trusts him (as much as she's able to) since he's clearly complying with what she asked of him. You're the wild card.

 

I'm thinking she's by now aware of how the A came to be. If so, her reasons for skepticism aren't without some merit. And I think it's separate from whether or not she trusts her H.

[Love2015]

So only advice I can give is based on what I would do.

 

So you are having a baby from ur affair? I would have avoided affair and baby. It happened? Yes...so now what would I do?

 

So. Father will be father of ur kid and her kid. He can decide not to be husband of either. In fact, chances are he will cheat again. or maybe not but that's beyond the point

 

You are mom of baby#2. Bonding sexually with father for baby Bonding....not wise. No correlation. Get help

Learn to live alone. Learn to be a mom and love urself

Allow him his rights. Do so through lawyers.

 

Do u need to meet with her? No. No need. Just as she doesn't need to meet with u. He needs to meet with both kids. He may love one of u...u cannot force who. I think he doesn't love any of u.

 

Two babies who are half siblings...great

Can they both interact in future?

 

The wife is curious who u r and yes how it will play out. She might be deciding what to do for herself as well.

 

He is a coward hiding behind two skirts! For goodness sake!

 

If I were you. ..I would fly solo.

Meet her in public out of curiosity and do all parental rights through lawyers.

 

She may not be in his life in future. ...but I say Love urself !

[Mayday2016]

Well. I saw him at the courthouse. I was there for a discussion on visitation on my own divorce case with my new and much better attorney. Xmm was there and his (soon to be ex)wife was there, they had separate attorneys.

 

I had a mini panic attack in the bathroom thinking xmm was there as a witness for my husband during our case. My attorney stepped out of the bathroom then came back and said xmm is getting divorced.

 

I went outside for air. Xmm wife had already left. He was walking out. I walked right past him and he was oblivious .. I got the courage to turn around and say his name. He started walking toward me then stopped when he realized who I was.

 

He said -

 

I can't talk to you.

 

He turned to head to his truck.

 

I said-

 

Just answer one question. Do you want anything to do with (baby's name)?

 

He kept his back to me and continued walking away. Then said-

 

Not now.

 

He mumbled things I couldn't hear as he continued walking away and again said-

 

Not now.

 

He got in his truck and drove away as fast he could.

 

 

So there's our ending. He's never met baby (beyond the 5 mins when she was 6 days old when he had me at the hotel for "sex") and I have my confirmation now he never will. I think it was fortuitous seeing him. Knowing he's left his wife, knowing he has an opportunity now to step up for baby or have an opportunity to talk to me on his own and he's done neither. He proved I was a distraction, everyone here told me I was meaningless to him and I didn't get it until yesterday. Everyone told me he didn't want a relationship with baby and I didn't believe. I know now. I see him for who he is; selfish, self-involved. He's now going to be divorced and still doesn't want baby or to even talk to me, there are no more excuses, he's shown his true colors.

 

As far as my other case? Running after xmm was my showing myself I had courage and when recess was over I went back in the courtroom and crushed it. I feel like a new person. I'm not even sad. I think my therapist would call today a break-through.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Well. I saw him at the courthouse. I was there for a discussion on visitation on my own divorce case with my new and much better attorney. Xmm was there and his (soon to be ex)wife was there, they had separate attorneys.

 

I had a mini panic attack in the bathroom thinking xmm was there as a witness for my husband during our case. My attorney stepped out of the bathroom then came back and said xmm is getting divorced.

 

I went outside for air. Xmm wife had already left. He was walking out. I walked right past him and he was oblivious .. I got the courage to turn around and say his name. He started walking toward me then stopped when he realized who I was.

 

He said -

 

I can't talk to you.

 

He turned to head to his truck.

 

I said-

 

Just answer one question. Do you want anything to do with (baby's name)?

 

He kept his back to me and continued walking away. Then said-

 

Not now.

 

He mumbled things I couldn't hear as he continued walking away and again said-

 

Not now.

 

He got in his truck and drove away as fast he could.

 

 

So there's our ending. He's never met baby (beyond the 5 mins when she was 6 days old when he had me at the hotel for "sex") and I have my confirmation now he never will. I think it was fortuitous seeing him. Knowing he's left his wife, knowing he has an opportunity now to step up for baby or have an opportunity to talk to me on his own and he's done neither. He proved I was a distraction, everyone here told me I was meaningless to him and I didn't get it until yesterday. Everyone told me he didn't want a relationship with baby and I didn't believe. I know now. I see him for who he is; selfish, self-involved. He's now going to be divorced and still doesn't want baby or to even talk to me, there are no more excuses, he's shown his true colors.

 

As far as my other case? Running after xmm was my showing myself I had courage and when recess was over I went back in the courtroom and crushed it. I feel like a new person. I'm not even sad. I think my therapist would call today a break-through.

 

He's not leaving his wife ....she's obviously had the sense to divorce the coward herself...

 

Despite her gargantuan efforts to salvage her marriage and attempt to persuade him to take responsibility for the child he created with you, he's obviously not a man, he's a stupid little boy unworthy of ANY grown up attention from any woman worth her salt.

 

Bravo to his wife I say. What a wonderful future she has to look forward to

 

I'm glad you've turned a corner May, and sincerely wish you a much better future now that you've removed the rose tinted glasses. If you have developed a little wisdom you will NEVER go near the t**t again...for any reason whatsoever.

 

I'm not surprised he ran away. It's blatantly his MO and you and his ex wife are well rid of a spineless, gutless wonder.

 

Time to get on with your life, bring up your children with good solid values and healthy boundaries so they protect themselves from idiots like your little ones sperm donor, and give yourself the inner peace you can develop so that when a MAN comes along to take your breath away, he'll be the RIGHT one...

 

Wishing you a healthier and brighter future sweetie. Good luck.

 

Cuckoo

[imperfectangel]

He didn't say never, he said not now. You don't know what's just happened to him in court his head is probably all over the place. I think he'll return. They always do. Though in what context I'm unsure be it for sex with you or to bond with baby

[ufo8mycat]

I was there for a discussion on visitation on my own divorce case with my new and much better attorney. Xmm was there and his (soon to be ex)wife was there, they had separate attorneys.

 

I had a mini panic attack in the bathroom thinking xmm was there as a witness for my husband during our case. My attorney stepped out of the bathroom then came back and said xmm is getting divorced.

 

 

Why do your lawyers seem to concern themselves with matters outside their scope? Let alone to strike a conversation with your xMM as to why they are there.

 

This is too much of a coinkydink to be believable. You, your ex MM and his wife in court on the same day?

 

If this was true and I was a betting man? HIs wife called time.

 

But you are now clear where you stand.

 

Use your lawyer, apply for child support. Accept that MM doesn't want to be dad.

[Adoraxx]

Hi May!!!!!

 

it's great to hear from you again . I hope you and the little one and your other kids are doing GOOD! I'm so surprised to hear that xMM and W got divorced, I didn't see that coming!!! Did you know of this before you saw them at the courthouse? And what about the visitations at that one center...? Has he gone there to see your little one or had he not yet done that because he was so 'busy' in July?

 

I'm glad that you saw his true colors once AGAIN!!! it will make you stronger and it's definitely another breakthrough. I'm also happy to hear that you have a NEW and much BETTER lawyer now!!! :)

 

hugs

Adoraxx

[Mayday2016]

Why do your lawyers seem to concern themselves with matters outside their scope? Let alone to strike a conversation with your xMM as to why they are there.

 

This is too much of a coinkydink to be believable. You, your ex MM and his wife in court on the same day?

 

If this was true and I was a betting man? HIs wife called time.

 

But you are now clear where you stand.

 

Use your lawyer, apply for child support. Accept that MM doesn't want to be dad.

 

My parents were there. They couldn't believe xmm was there. Believe me, this is how the cookie crumbles in my life. My Dad was upset thinking that by seeing xmm it would rattle me, it would deter me from my case with other children. I'll admit, it did until I ran up to him outside and he asked me nothing about how baby is doing. Once he showed his narcissism, it was like rocket fuel. I went back into the courtroom and fileted my ex. I thought it was more bad luck seeing him but I know it was the best luck I could have had.

 

As far as knowing he's divorcing--

My attorney didn't talk to either of them, she's been practicing law for a long time, I don't know how she knows but I'm trusting what she said to be true. Either she saw forms, talked to one of their attorneys she knew (she knows everyone), spoke to the clerk, it doesn't matter. What matters is she relayed crucial information to me that helped me find closure yesterday,

[Mayday2016]

Hi May!!!!!

 

it's great to hear from you again . I hope you and the little one and your other kids are doing GOOD! I'm so surprised to hear that xMM and W got divorced, I didn't see that coming!!! Did you know of this before you saw them at the courthouse? And what about the visitations at that one center...? Has he gone there to see your little one or had he not yet done that because he was so 'busy' in July?

 

I'm glad that you saw his true colors once AGAIN!!! it will make you stronger and it's definitely another breakthrough. I'm also happy to hear that you have a NEW and much BETTER lawyer now!!! :)

 

hugs

Adoraxx

 

I didn't know. His wife stopped contacting me after she impersonated him on talkingparents. She never asked for visitation in mid July and he didn't try to start any either. We still have a court date next month discussing how visitation is going.. Seeing as how there's been no visitation and his wife was only interested in baby, I have no idea what will happen during that mediation and following hearing with the magistrate.

[whatatangledweb]

How did your court case go with your husband?

[Mayday2016]

How did your court case go with your husband?

 

 

It's to discuss visitation. The judge has 30 days to rule. I'll know in 30 days. I felt it went well at the time. My lawyer said I was strong and brave, she said I did so well. I stood up for myself and my kids. Even when he threw my having a baby in my face and trying to use the fact I get under the state recommended calc child support for her as a means to reduce my spousal support for him. His lawyer even threw an abortion I had had 3 years prior in my face, it got dirty.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Mayday2016, do you think it's possible that exMM didn't answer you because you're involved in litigation with him and/or because you might be a factor in his divorce (not saying you're the reason for it but rather you are one factor that may come up in court and he doesn't want to complicate things further by speaking with you at this point)?

 

That would be my first thought. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that after all of the litigation is over (yours with him and his with soon-to-be exW) he has contacted you.

 

Also, am not surprised about his divorce from exW and fully expected it at some point. Would have been surprised had the marriage continued just didn't expect them to divorce this soon. I figured it would be a couple of years down the road. At least you know he's not relationship material so pretty good that they didn't separate before you'd figured that out.

[wmacbride]

My parents were there. They couldn't believe xmm was there. Believe me, this is how the cookie crumbles in my life. My Dad was upset thinking that by seeing xmm it would rattle me, it would deter me from my case with other children. I'll admit, it did until I ran up to him outside and he asked me nothing about how baby is doing. Once he showed his narcissism, it was like rocket fuel. I went back into the courtroom and fileted my ex. I thought it was more bad luck seeing him but I know it was the best luck I could have had.

 

As far as knowing he's divorcing--

My attorney didn't talk to either of them, she's been practicing law for a long time, I don't know how she knows but I'm trusting what she said to be true. Either she saw forms, talked to one of their attorneys she knew (she knows everyone), spoke to the clerk, it doesn't matter. What matters is she relayed crucial information to me that helped me find closure yesterday,

 

Your lawyer relayed confidential information to you that is not yet on the public record?

 

Wow...just wow...how unprofessional can you get.

 

I know I sound negative, but I would be very careful when it comes to trusting your attorney. What other information will she relay?

 

It is good that you saw him for what he was. You have seen that you can't count on him. Best to leave him alone and let your daughter decide, when she is old enough, if she wants a rleationship with him.

Edited August 15, 2016 by wmacbride

[maryquitecontrary]

I wouldn't just because people can be crazy about these sorts of things. What benefit would it have anyway?

[Mayday2016]

Your lawyer relayed confidential information to you that is not yet on the public record?

 

Wow...just wow...how unprofessional can you get.

 

I know I sound negative, but I would be very careful when it comes to trusting your attorney. What other information will she relay?

 

It is good that you saw him for what he was. You have seen that you can't count on him. Best to leave him alone and let your daughter decide, when she is old enough, if she wants a rleationship with him.

 

.they were standing at the clerks window with their respective attorneys picking a second mediation date. I'm pretty sure My attorney didn't do anything backhanded, she's a good attorney, compared to my last she should be, I trust her.

[NewLeaf512]

Your lawyer relayed confidential information to you that is not yet on the public record?

 

Wow...just wow...how unprofessional can you get.

 

I know I sound negative, but I would be very careful when it comes to trusting your attorney. What other information will she relay?

 

It is good that you saw him for what he was. You have seen that you can't count on him. Best to leave him alone and let your daughter decide, when she is old enough, if she wants a rleationship with him.

 

A divorce is a matter of public record. Anyone can walk up to the Clerk of Courts and ask. Some counties charge to get a copy of the filing some don't.

 

Just to be clear: I could have flown to where May lives, and as a total stranger with zero involvement if I knew any of their names, walked right up and gotten the information as fast as they could pull it, copy it, me pay for it, done.

 

Other matters of public record: births deaths marriage licenses wills and estates and other things to do with probate.

 

This isn't a morality issue to hang your hat on.

[goodyblue]

A divorce is a matter of public record. Anyone can walk up to the Clerk of Courts and ask. Some counties charge to get a copy of the filing some don't.

 

Just to be clear: I could have flown to where May lives, and as a total stranger with zero involvement if I knew any of their names, walked right up and gotten the information as fast as they could pull it, copy it, me pay for it, done.

 

Other matters of public record: births deaths marriage licenses wills and estates and other things to do with probate.

 

This isn't a morality issue to hang your hat on.

 

Even criminal cases are public record. Hell, you could sit in the courtroom and listen to the entire hearing unless the judge decides otherwise.

[Maddieandtae]

I had no idea court documents and cases were so easily accessible! I suppose May you don't really care about all these cases being accessible especially since you have your own case against your ex that can be accessed! In reading your last post you seem not emotionally invested in the ex-MM. I'm wondering about something and I hope I can word it an positive way so that I don't offend. With the filing of the divorce does them not being a couple anymore ease your feelings towards the BS? I'm just curious, when my ex-bf was cheating I became obsessed with his other gf. Even when we reconciled she was in the back of my mind. I never thought about what she was thinking and I'm wondering if she will get any type of peace now that we have broken up for good that she and I will both relize we are better without him? I hope this for you May:)

[Mayday2016]

This isn't an update. I'm just not doing well. Mentally, I'm ****. Really ****. Since I heard about his divorce I just started spiralling and I don't know why. Anger is cropping up, I thought I had 'dealt' with things but I clearly have some unresolved. I don't miss him. I'm finally sleeping again but I'm just so mad. He hasn't met baby (formally) a few will argue semantics that him holding her one time when she was 6 days old was that but baby is 8 months old now.

 

We have a mediation next week. Why? The last one we did he supposedly said he was going to start visitation but that never happened. So what does he want to accomplish now? Just lie again to the magistrate that he's so busy and she should take pity on him for his inability to even just meet the baby? Or will he not even show up making me go through the 8 hour process of going to court, being at court, picking up baby from,the sitter and going home?

 

I don't know how to process this anger. I,just want to yell in his face I think he's a piece of ****. I just. Don't know.

[marinelife3]

Hi, I was reading this thread and wanted to say, I think you are feeling angry because he broke up with his wife but still didn't make an effort to communicate with you, despite her leaving the picture. I've never been in a situation anything remotely like yours but I do know that when I feel a person isn't contacting me because of their situation, and then I find out their situation changed and they still didn't contact me, it's a horrible feeling. If it's any comfort, which it's probably not, from the encounter in the courthouse that you described he sounds like he's an emotional wreck now. I hope he does want to see the baby eventually. It sucks for you emotionally that any day he could decide he wants to start seeing her and then it would happen. I know the last thing you could ever do is trust him to become a reliable presence in your daughter's life, but everyone has their good and bad aspects. Right now his life is falling to pieces, and I hope for your daughter's sake that one day he pulls himself together and becomes a present father. Good luck with the next mediation.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Mayday,

 

He's shown you who he is many, many times so far. How much more of his coldness and "I don't care attitude" you need?

 

Your daughter and HIS daughter is what ..8 months old and he held her once??? His child??!!! What else do you need to know about his "feelings"???!

 

Focus on getting child support for your daughter and move on with your life!!!

[Adoraxx]

This isn't an update. I'm just not doing well. Mentally, I'm ****. Really ****. Since I heard about his divorce I just started spiralling and I don't know why. Anger is cropping up, I thought I had 'dealt' with things but I clearly have some unresolved. I don't miss him. I'm finally sleeping again but I'm just so mad. He hasn't met baby (formally) a few will argue semantics that him holding her one time when she was 6 days old was that but baby is 8 months old now.

 

We have a mediation next week. Why? The last one we did he supposedly said he was going to start visitation but that never happened. So what does he want to accomplish now? Just lie again to the magistrate that he's so busy and she should take pity on him for his inability to even just meet the baby? Or will he not even show up making me go through the 8 hour process of going to court, being at court, picking up baby from,the sitter and going home?

 

I don't know how to process this anger. I,just want to yell in his face I think he's a piece of ****. I just. Don't know.

 

Hi May, I can understand your feelings of anger! He is an @sshole for treating you and your baby the way he does... I can't even call your precious little one HIS baby because he has done nothing to deserve the valuable title of father. I hope this anger will help you to distance yourself from him even more (emotionally I mean). You and your baby are so precious and he has shown his true colors over and over again.

Sending you much love!!! hugs, Adoraxx