His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[SolG]

Maybe she's a good person who understands that the baby is not at fault here and that she deserves to have her father in her life.

 

Regardless, she sure doesn't sound bipolar to me.

 

I agree. And don't discount the possibility that she really is compassionate. This child is not just her WH's A whelp. This is her step-daughter, her children's half-sister. Maybe she sees it this way and takes her responsibility seriously to love a baby girl that comes into her family regardless of the route.

 

I don't know... Outside of my purview of experience. But I like to think that there really are good people out there that want to do the right thing, even when in pain.

[sandylee1]

it has nothing to do with her being a good or a bad person.

 

if you find out your husband had an affair and has a child from that affair - you won't IN A DAY decide that you're staying with him and wanting the relationship with the baby. you will need SOME TOME to proccess the news.

 

she might have known longer but i think she would have contacted the OP sooner than that. everything seems to be happening too soon and i would be VERY careful if i were the OP. it will be a long and a bumpy road.

 

Do you know when he told his wife about the baby? He was served a couple of weeks ago and some BSs DO decide to stay on hearing the news. Everyone is different... may not be what you'd do yourself in that situation. I know I'd decide in A DAY I WASN'T staying if my H had an OC. Some people stay and change their mind down the line.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I agree. I would get as far from him as possible. I don't see any good coming from this. But... if OP wants him in the daughter's life, she needs to deal with him and I would use an attorney. I would not be doing anything one on one. Perhaps later, if the child goes to stay with the MM it would be prudent to have a conversation but right now, when things just blew up? Not a chance.

 

I don't think the BS will ever treat the child well and that is a problem that will last forever. Omg. This is why I say NEVER have a baby with MM. It isn't fair to the child.

 

I don't think it's fair to assume that the child will not be treated well by a stepmother. Despite their reputation, stepmothers can be a very real asset to the CHILD.

 

We don't know this woman do we? We only know tales of her being 'bipolar' and out of control according to the treacherous man who has gone behind her back and created a new life in the doing, and who is a proven liar.

 

I agree that she should stay away from them both for the time being while the semantics of financial support for her little one are sorted out by legals, but she must face the reality that if she wants this awful man to step up as a Father (which seems most unlikely, don't you?) then she is going to have to swallow the fact that his wife IS going to be a very real presence....

[Sassy Girl]

He's changed his tune now.. wanting to have a relationship with the baby.

 

I would be uncomfortable having him see your baby after he was so horrible to you. I would state that he needs supervised visitation when you get to that stage.... discuss this with your lawyer. If they ask why supervised visits.... you tell them you don't trust how he'd behave given how he took zero interest and ignored her... to the point of not looking at her.

 

Without scaring you.. when a man doesn't or didn't want a child.... I've seen them do everything to change the situation.

I personally wouldn't want my daughter spending any time with him.

 

Now maybe him ignoring her was to avoid liking her or getting close to her. ..... but he was terrible and you need to remember that. You are the only one who can protect your baby girl. Don't hand her over to him or his wife for any unsupervised time.

 

This makes me uncomfortable. The baby is not to be used as a pawn to punish him for how he treated her mother. There are no reasons we have seen why visitation should be or would be supervised... Especially if he's been raising other children without a problem. I don't think this kind of advice is useful.

 

It's not about OPs wants anymore. She doesn't own the child and she doesn't get to dictate terms. He has rights. It looks like he wants to invoke them. And if the wife is involved, so be it. You have a baby worth a married man you've already chosen the step mother. Choices have consequences. She won't have a choice about 'handing over' the baby. It's his too. OP has said she wants him to have a relationship with her.

 

Don't use this baby as a pawn.

[anika99]

Her response confuses me because xMM wanted nothing to do with the baby. He made it quite plain he did not want to know her, he didn't want to be a father to her. I can only assume he told his wife the same thing. He wanted me to go away. One of his last texts was that if I cared for him I would give him peace by letting him go. Did he suddenly change his tune? He hasn't contacted me to ask about her, ever. He hasn't asked to see her or anything.

 

I'm wondering if he was only rejecting the baby because he saw the child as a threat to his marriage and family. He likely thought there was no way he could be a father to your baby and keep it a secret from his wife and if his wife found out she would leave him and he didn't want that to happen so he decided he had to reject the baby to preserve his family. Now he no longer has that fear because his wife does know, she's staying with him and she's willing to accept his child so now he sees no reason to not to have a relationship with the baby.

[Mayday2016]

Do you know when he told his wife about the baby? He was served a couple of weeks ago and some BSs DO decide to stay on hearing the news. Everyone is different... may not be what you'd do yourself in that situation. I know I'd decide in A DAY I WASN'T staying if my H had an OC. Some people stay and change their mind down the line.

 

 

 

I assume she found out between Monday and Wednesday of last week. Thata when I told him he needed to return the papers or I'd be serving him with a new set by sheriff. I blew it open for him and I'm guessing that's when he manned up and told her. She liked my pictures 2 days later on Facebook, I have open privacy settings. I was really shocked to see that. Sunday (last night) she texted me.

 

They're going to be supervised visits for a long while- I am nursing and I plan to for at least 2 years. They better not expect me to pump milk to give them when she's 9 weeks old ? She needs the breast, it is her food source and comfort. I refuse to let my daughter out of my sight until I feel like they are genuine. I am very wary right now. My spider senses are tingling.

[minimariah]

Do you know when he told his wife about the baby?

 

according to the OP, he told her this week. that's how i understood it.

 

and it's not about what i'd do or the next person -- for her to come out and tell the OP that THEY want to have a relationship with this child when the MM said it loud and clear that's what he DOESN'T want... is strange. the change is HUGE in the matter of DAYS.

 

the OP needs to be careful, like someone else said - she doesn't know these people and she has a little child to take care of. i'm just telling her to keep her eyes open; i've seen a lot of cases like this and almost every single one of them started with a compassionate BS & the MM who wants to be a dad - guess what? NONE ended that way. so i'm trying to shake up the OP a little bit because i have a feeling that she isn't protecting herself the best right now. that's really all.

Edited February 29, 2016 by minimariah

[minimariah]

The baby is not to be used as a pawn to punish him for how he treated her mother.

 

i think there is -- the fact that the child is the result of an affair and the father was absent during the pregnancy/didn't want the child. in my country, supervised visitations are almost obligatory because the court assumes the child will be targeted by the stepfamily so they first supervise their interaction and when the family is proven to be trustworthy - they let go.

 

it's something i'd describe as a high risk situation, at least that's how it is in my country.

[sandylee1]

I assume she found out between Monday and Wednesday of last week. Thata when I told him he needed to return the papers or I'd be serving him with a new set by sheriff. I blew it open for him and I'm guessing that's when he manned up and told her. She liked my pictures 2 days later on Facebook, I have open privacy settings. I was really shocked to see that. Sunday (last night) she texted me.

 

They're going to be supervised visits for a long while- I am nursing and I plan to for at least 2 years. They better not expect me to pump milk to give them when she's 9 weeks old ? She needs the breast, it is her food source and comfort. I refuse to let my daughter out of my sight until I feel like they are genuine. I am very wary right now. My spider senses are tingling.

 

Good... I'm glad that's the case. It's a cold hearted man that can ignore his own flesh and blood the way he did. Anyone in your situation would do well to protect your baby and yes.. .... not hand her over to the man who could not give a damn. I stand by that and people can disagree if they wish.

 

Right now.. YOU are the ONLY one who can protect your daughter .... and IT IS about what's best for YOU as well....as you need to be in the right frame of mind to look after your baby girl (and your other kids). This doesn't mean you're using the child as a pawn. It means you're protecting her.

 

You have a good plan to nurse her for a long time... which will prevent them having her on their own and it's for you to decide how your baby eats.

[sandylee1]

according to the OP, he told her this week. that's how i understood it.

 

and it's not about what i'd do or the next person -- for her to come out and tell the OP that THEY want to have a relationship with this child when the MM said it loud and clear that's what he DOESN'T want... is strange. the change is HUGE in the matter of DAYS.

 

the OP needs to be careful, like someone else said - she doesn't know these people and she has a little child to take care of. i'm just telling her to keep her eyes open; i've seen a lot of cases like this and almost every single one of them started with a compassionate BS & the MM who wants to be a dad - guess what? NONE ended that way. so i'm trying to shake up the OP a little bit because i have a feeling that she isn't protecting herself the best right now. that's really all.

 

I understand what you're saying....... but in cases Ive known where they've wanted a relationship with the child..... it ended sour because the OW really wants the MM and because they are dragged back to court for CS all the time...and where the OW only wants to deal with MM and tries to entice him back into the A. It's usually where the OW causes trouble for the couple or starts trying to dictate things.

 

I agree that he's changed his tune.. but I know a few BWS who have said they would not be with a man who turned his back on his child.. this man's biggest fear was his wife finding out ...now she knows...so perhaps that's why the change of heart.

 

That said some people ARE indeed able to make decisions quickly.... I bet MM and BW had very long conversations and decided what they did.

[Ms. Faust]

Question, because I genuinely do not know: does the parent get to decide supervised visitation or is it up to the court? If the parent does petition for supervised visitation can it be because one is nursing, or does there have to be abused?

[Adoraxx]

Totally agree with Minimariah and 13Hearts. I would be very very careful and on high alert! Listen to your gut also and if tells you to be careful/ scared or whatever, it's for a reason.

 

I find it very strange that the W has decided this quickly that she wants the baby in her life... something is very off with that! How can she make that decision that quickly?? I would feel scared too that she wants to steal my baby and it might sound emotional but that's how I see it.

I can't remember but do they have children of their own?

 

Please stay far away from those two and I hope you have a very good lawyer but I'm sure you do. No worries and I'll be praying for you . Oh and that's excellent that you'll be breastfeeding the little one for at least two years :)

 

Hugs

[Mayday2016]

Totally agree with Minimariah and 13Hearts. I would be very very careful and on high alert! Listen to your gut also and if tells you to be careful/ scared or whatever, it's for a reason.

 

I find it very strange that the W has decided this quickly that she wants the baby in her life... something is very off with that! How can she make that decision that quickly?? I would feel scared too that she wants to steal my baby and it might sound emotional but that's how I see it.

I can't remember but do they have children of their own?

 

Please stay far away from those two and I hope you have a very good lawyer but I'm sure you do. No worries and I'll be praying for you . Oh and that's excellent that you'll be breastfeeding the little one for at least two years :)

 

Hugs

 

They have a 3 year old daughter. He'd send pictures showing him being a doting dad and the limited access I have to his wife's Facebook (I can just look we are not friends) it's all pics of the daughter. Every time he'd pull away in the A he'd say things like "I'm getting myself together and trying to have a better relationship with {daughter}".. She's 3, the way he always said was a little hinky to me. Like she was a teenager and they had a strained relationship.

 

Here's an excerpt from an email after he went home after living in hotels for 2 months :

 

"I am glad to be home for some reasons, yet it is hard. Really hard. I am bonding with {daughter} more in general. This too will get better. I couldn’t really expect it to be just all okay, and I have to keep my expectations in check."

 

But this is the way he'd talk about her. That they'd have improvements in their relationships and "turn arounds"... Again, She's 3

[minimariah]

...but I know a few BWS who have said they would not be with a man who turned his back on his child.. this man's biggest fear was his wife finding out ...now she knows...so perhaps that's why the change of heart.

 

i agree -- and that's what's problematic, i think. the fact that - literally a week ago - that fear was stronger than being in his child's life. he didn't want that child, from the start; just last week i read the OP's post where she said the MM cried on the phone and basically told her she was ruining his life and why can't she leave him alone. mind you! all she did was ask for child support for THEIR kid. so i'm VERY doubtful of this change of heart; if anything - i think that's the BS's wish and the MM is simply following.

 

Question, because I genuinely do not know: does the parent get to decide supervised visitation or is it up to the court? If the parent does petition for supervised visitation can it be because one is nursing, or does there have to be abused?

 

not sure about the US but i think in most countries -- it is definitely up to the court. in situations like these - one parent can file for supervised visitations and if their reasons are accepted; court orders supervised visitations and counseling for everyone for one period of time. after a while, the supervised visitation usually gets removed and folks establish joint custody.

 

in my country -- filing for supervised based on the fact that the child was born in the affair is a good enough reason; there is strong possibility that someone in the situation won't handle their negative feelings well.

 

i'm not saying that the BS will turn out to be an evil abuser, no. she showed respect and the OP should return the favor. however - many times, people make a decision to accept this child and when it all starts... everything falls apart and they quickly learn they took more than they could handle. in my experience, that's why most situations fall apart. no one is evil, no one wants drama... but folks realize it's just TOO HARD. that's why, i think the OP should be careful.

 

this can go in so many different directions and end up in so many different ways.

[sandylee1]

They have a 3 year old daughter. He'd send pictures showing him being a doting dad and the limited access I have to his wife's Facebook (I can just look we are not friends) it's all pics of the daughter. Every time he'd pull away in the A he'd say things like "I'm getting myself together and trying to have a better relationship with {daughter}".. She's 3, the way he always said was a little hinky to me. Like she was a teenager and they had a strained relationship.

 

Here's an excerpt from an email after he went home after living in hotels for 2 months :

 

"I am glad to be home for some reasons, yet it is hard. Really hard. I am bonding with {daughter} more in general. This too will get better. I couldn’t really expect it to be just all okay, and I have to keep my expectations in check."

 

But this is the way he'd talk about her. That they'd have improvements in their relationships and "turn arounds"... Again, She's 3

 

He's been quite disconnected with his daughter then. I wonder why the relationship would be strained and she's only 3 years old. Kids aren't complicated at that age... I'd understand if she was a stroppy teenager.

 

Most of what you've said is really good..... You have baby girl as a priority..... I just wish you didn't love this guy.....He's no good for you.

[Adoraxx]

They have a 3 year old daughter. He'd send pictures showing him being a doting dad and the limited access I have to his wife's Facebook (I can just look we are not friends) it's all pics of the daughter. Every time he'd pull away in the A he'd say things like "I'm getting myself together and trying to have a better relationship with {daughter}".. She's 3, the way he always said was a little hinky to me. Like she was a teenager and they had a strained relationship.

 

Here's an excerpt from an email after he went home after living in hotels for 2 months :

 

"I am glad to be home for some reasons, yet it is hard. Really hard. I am bonding with {daughter} more in general. This too will get better. I couldn’t really expect it to be just all okay, and I have to keep my expectations in check."

 

But this is the way he'd talk about her. That they'd have improvements in their relationships and "turn arounds"... Again, She's 3

 

That sounds very odd indeed.

[Maddieandtae]

Mayday do you have an support system in place, family and friends to give an helping hand? Your baby is only nine weeks old and your emotions could be very overwhelming at this time. My daughter had her baby five weeks ago and is exhausted by all that goes into caring for a baby and she has an very hands on partner. I'm worried about your emotional state, your life has changed completely and has forever ?

[Shadowburn]

I really think all the talk about establishing relationship with xmm and his wife are way too premature.

 

I don't think you owe anything to either of them, and don't think you should meet with her without your lawyer being present. Figure out child support, this is what your baby girl truly needs right now, not the turmoil of trying to blend in into his family (at age of 9 weeks, she'll know nothing of it anyways, and you don't need all this added stress right now).

Protect and take care yourself as well, you are breastfeeding, everything else can wait. Let your lawyers figure out logistics, and let strong emotions on both side to settle before proceeding with the rest.

 

Mayday, I have to say I admire your strength. I remember your very first thread and how weak you sounded, how you were trying to protect him and were making excuses for him and his horrible treatment of you. You've grown so much since then, I see you kicking this whole BS to the curb in no time.

[Adoraxx]

Great post, Shadowburn!!

[Mayday2016]

I really think all the talk about establishing relationship with xmm and his wife are way too premature.

 

I don't think you owe anything to either of them, and don't think you should meet with her without your lawyer being present. Figure out child support, this is what your baby girl truly needs right now, not the turmoil of trying to blend in into his family (at age of 9 weeks, she'll know nothing of it anyways, and you don't need all this added stress right now).

Protect and take care yourself as well, you are breastfeeding, everything else can wait. Let your lawyers figure out logistics, and let strong emotions on both side to settle before proceeding with the rest.

 

Mayday, I have to say I admire your strength. I remember your very first thread and how weak you sounded, how you were trying to protect him and were making excuses for him and his horrible treatment of you. You've grown so much since then, I see you kicking this whole BS to the curb in no time.

e I

 

 

 

I don't deserve admiration. My heart is still tied to him, I can't shake the feelings of being in love with him, with everything I thought he was and things that he is. I wish I could remove my heart completely because it would make thinking purely with my head so much easier. I have another therapy appointment, at our first he said what do I want. I said 1. I want to graduate to the next step of my life 2. I want to learn how to navigate that life without xMM 3. I don't want to love him

 

These are all very true things. I'm tied to him forever, my daughter is the spitting image of Him so it's hard moving on when I stare at his face 24/7 within the face of my daughter,

[ChickiePops]

Just to clarify, I never said not to be careful, nor did I say to trust anyone immediately. All I said was that, despite her disgusting lying pig of a husband, the wife sounds perfectly rational.

 

Also, to whomever keeps saying they want to 'steal' the baby...that would be called kidnapping, and it's illegal. they can't steal the baby, and being overly dramatic is not helpful. OP is already going through hell.

 

Lastly, MM is horribly selfish but isn't it possible that he didn't want a relationship with his daughter only because he was scared of his wife finding out? I'm not saying that makes it ok, I'm just saying that now that his wife knows, perhaps that explains the sudden change of heart.

[Shadowburn]

e I

 

 

 

I don't deserve admiration. My heart is still tied to him, I can't shake the feelings of being in love with him, with everything I thought he was and things that he is. I wish I could remove my heart completely because it would make thinking purely with my head so much easier. I have another therapy appointment, at our first he said what do I want. I said 1. I want to graduate to the next step of my life 2. I want to learn how to navigate that life without xMM 3. I don't want to love him

 

These are all very true things. I'm tied to him forever, my daughter is the spitting image of Him so it's hard moving on when I stare at his face 24/7 within the face of my daughter,

 

It is ok to continue having feelings for him, you can't just switch them off. What's important is that you see true him, and I think you understand already this real him is so ugly, you won't be loving him for long.

[Mayday2016]

Just to clarify, I never said not to be careful, nor did I say to trust anyone immediately. All I said was that, despite her disgusting lying pig of a husband, the wife sounds perfectly rational.

 

Also, to whomever keeps saying they want to 'steal' the baby...that would be called kidnapping, and it's illegal. they can't steal the baby, and being overly dramatic is not helpful. OP is already going through hell.

 

Lastly, MM is horribly selfish but isn't it possible that he didn't want a relationship with his daughter only because he was scared of his wife finding out? I'm not saying that makes it ok, I'm just saying that now that his wife knows, perhaps that explains the sudden change of heart.

 

 

I would LOvE a genuine change of heart. I would love him to want an honest relationship with my daughter but something inside of me is saying his instincts aren't pure because it was his wife that initiated this, not him. He has yet to apologize, perhaps he never will. Maybe he has to go NC to save his marriage but this is a complicated situation and I'm ****ing shattered because of his treatment of the baby and of me. I'm afraid the issue at hand may be monetary, I know the more visitation they receive the less money they pay. I want my daughter to see her father but I don't want his only intentions to be with her is because of his wallet. I am thinking 1,000 different things. All I know is for 10 months (pregnancy and a month after she was born) it was "I don't want this. I don't want her. I don't want to do this. She is your child. I cannot be a father physically or financially, it will kill me."

[Dancewithme]

I will try to make this as gentle as I can...

 

I feel you have deep issues that need addressing, stick with the therapy. Like, now. You are a mother, children's' lives are depending on you. And you have shown your decision making to be flawed, troubling, And dramatic. Case in point: as a single mother, you go on AM to find an affair partner. I think, very irresponsible. By nature of that whole AM setup, you really don't know what kind of guy you're bringing into your childrens' lives. Even if MM never met them, he was involved with you, which brings him into their world.

 

So now, here you are. A new baby with a disrespectful, narcissistic, selfish MM. And you still want him, in spite of all he's said and done. I understand the affair fog, want a Father for you baby, all that...but, you are a Mom. Time to get your head out of the clouds, and realize the relationship with MM ship has sailed. Get real now. Stop focusing on what's on the wife's Facebook, what MM's relationship with his 3yr old daughter was like, how you hope MM will bond with your daughter and want to be with you. You have a baby with an AM partner, this is not a rainbow and unicorn situation. It is what it is, you got what you got.

 

Time to face real life. How can you be the best Mom for these kids? What actions must you take to be the best you can be?

 

You've taken the first step in seeking CS for your daughter.

 

It is admirable that apparently MM has come clean with his wife, and she wants to meet with you. Hopefully her/their intentions are good, and they are trying to find a way for you all to co-exist peacefully.

 

You must be strong, smart, and reasonable in dealing with them. You need to have your mind in the right place when dealing with them. It sounds like she may be playing a role in your daughters life.if you want your daughter to have a relationship with her father, you must be accepting of this. The wife must not see you as a threat to her marriage and family. You must put your hopes for MM aside. The only relationship you need from him is financial supporter, and hopefully, father to your daughter.

 

If you can, I would put off the meeting with the wife until you have done some introspection, and work on your self. To help strengthen you, bring you back into reality, and you would be able to present a non threatening, yet strong self to her. And when you do meet, I suggest a public place, with another party close by to keep an eye on things.

 

Good luck.

Edited February 29, 2016 by Dancewithme

[ChickiePops]

I would LOvE a genuine change of heart. I would love him to want an honest relationship with my daughter but something inside of me is saying his instincts aren't pure because it was his wife that initiated this, not him. He has yet to apologize, perhaps he never will. Maybe he has to go NC to save his marriage but this is a complicated situation and I'm ****ing shattered because of his treatment of the baby and of me. I'm afraid the issue at hand may be monetary, I know the more visitation they receive the less money they pay. I want my daughter to see her father but I don't want his only intentions to be with her is because of his wallet. I am thinking 1,000 different things. All I know is for 10 months (pregnancy and a month after she was born) it was "I don't want this. I don't want her. I don't want to do this. She is your child. I cannot be a father physically or financially, it will kill me."

 

All understandable. Proceed carefully but proceed nonetheless. And try to get out of the mindset that MMs wife is the enemy here. She has never done anything at all to you or your daughter, that was all him. You know he's weak, you know he's a liar, you know he's a deadbeat dad, you know he's ridiculously selfish..you know nothing about her except what he, a known liar, has told you.

 

A lot of OW instinctively hate the BS, but you can't afford to hate her unless she earns it. Especially if she's going to be caring for your baby.