His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[ChickiePops]

"This woman" doesn't have to be part of the child's life, OP absolutely has a say in it, after all, this is her child, and "hate" is too strong a word for adults trying to find a graceful and respectful way out of the terrible situation.

 

Her daughter is OPs daughters sister. Her husband is OPs daughters father. Unless Mayday chooses not to ask for CS (which she's already done) and MM and BS choose not to have a relationship with the child (they've already said they want one), then yes, BS will be a part of her life.

 

BS sounds very kind so far. I just think it's unfair to demonize her, as some people here have been doing, until she at least has a chance. BS hasn't done anything wrong, she's a victim.

[velvette]

Depends strongly on state law and actual facts. My understanding is that Mayday is married. All 50 states make the presumption that any child born to a married woman is the legal child of that marriage, so custody rights and duties would be for Mayday and Mr. Mayday. The only people with standing to question that presumption are the Maydays themselves or the state, acting as the child's guardian (if they choose to get involved). Mr exMM would have no standing under my state's law and would not even be able to demand a paternity test or have Mayday examined under oath.

 

Mayday, kindly only take a lawyer's advice on this incredibly important matter. And put your child first, yourself a close second, and everyone else needs to affirmatively demonstrate their commitment to your daughter before anything else happens.

 

 

Yes that was always the law of the land. I'm not sure youre correct it still is in all 50 states, but I don't have time to research it.

 

 

Anyway, its irrelevant, because the minute you ask a court to order child support, then paternity does come into play. Once paternity comes into play then visitation/custody comes in for the father as well. He can just say he didn't know it was his child.

[anika99]

The SAME thing has run through my mind. She may have wanted another child. She may not be able to have another (she's older than I am by a bit). I have no idea their reasoning, why they want this. She may be a wonderful person but even my mother (my only support system- dad works out of state and big sis lives far away) thinks something is very wrong about all this. My mom has seen everything from the outside, she has never met xMM but she was there during everything, she knows he did not want my baby at all. She said this change of heart has happened so fast from discovery. She said she thinks it's about money and hurting me back. I have so many opinions from you all and my mom, my sister and even myself. I have a film reel of different scenarios playing in my head. Like every possible scenario. I want so badly to believe they have nothing but good intentions but in my gut, deep down, I have the feeling that there is something at play.

 

Well you have had an awful big change of heart since discovery too. Until very recently you wanted nothing more in this world than for the MM to acknowledge his baby and want to have a relationship with her. Even going so far as to repeatedly lure him over with sex in the hopes that the repeated exposure to your baby would make him want her. All of sudden the thought of your MM having visitation with his baby horrifies you?

 

Exactly how were you picturing this fantasy of your MM having a relationship with your baby? I think the problem here is that the reality isn't playing out like your fantasy at all. Perhaps in your fantasy you pictured you and your baby and your MM having little get togethers alone and bonding with each other as your own little family where his wife and his other child didn't exist at all. Perhaps in your fantasy your MM would fall so in love with the baby he wouldn't even want his wife and 3yr old anymore and he would leave them for you and your baby. However now you are finding out the reality of how this is really going to go and realizing that his wife and child are very real and part of the deal so now all of sudden you don't think the MM being involved with your baby is such a good idea.

 

Get a lawyer and find out what what your rights are and what the MM's rights are. Don't agree to anything with the MM or the BW without legal representation. You have a right to express what you want including supervised visitation but realize that in the end visitation and child support will be decided by the court. Unless you can prove that the MM and his BW are a danger to your baby the supervised visits will probably not go on for long and your MM will likely be able to have unsupervised visits soon. I know it depends on where you live but I just can't see the supervised visits being dragged out for longer than necessary. The MM seeing his baby is what you say you wanted and what you pushed for and now it looks like you will get your wish. You can't unring the bell that you rang.

[stillafool]

BS isn't going to be the one paying CS, it'll be him. Gifts yes, but actual CS, that has to come from him. Why should exMM's wife pay mayday child support?

 

Yes, but if like most married couples it is not "his" money it is "our" money. Any CS money will technically be hers as well.

[stillafool]

Depends strongly on state law and actual facts. My understanding is that Mayday is married. All 50 states make the presumption that any child born to a married woman is the legal child of that marriage, so custody rights and duties would be for Mayday and Mr. Mayday.

.

 

Oh my, I didn't realize OP was also married. You are correct.

[stillafool]

I don't want to see either of them. I'm scared. I love my daughter, she has rocked my world. Delivering her alone (I had no family or friends there- it was just me) was the hardest but most intimate moment of my life - and not romantic intimacy -- it was very profound. He chose not to be there.

 

I have a feeling that if the BS knew about this she would have been there for you or made sure he showed up. She seems like that type of woman.

 

 

I was 10 weeks when I told him I was pregnant and I delivered her at 36+5. Not once did he ask how I was, how she was. Not once did he talk about her, only when I brought up names after my anatomy scan did he tell me she couldn't have my last name. That's all he ever said. He has been in my apartment 5x since her birth- not once has he looked at her. He held her when she was 6 days old for 5 minutes because I left the room and she cried but then he handed her back to me when I came back, she is 9 weeks old tomorrow. Why all of a sudden do 'they' want a relationship with her? He was adamant he did not want her. I wanted him to change and by her texts it sounds like he has but why do I feel like it isn't genuine? Like he didn't come to it on his own?

 

I think you are right. He doesn't seem to be the one who cares about the baby and doing the right thing. It does seem as though she is the one who is making him "man up" and face this. She really does not sound like an enemy but someone who has been put in a tough position but wants to do what's right by that baby.

[Liam1]

Yes that was always the law of the land. I'm not sure youre correct it still is in all 50 states, but I don't have time to research it.

 

 

Anyway, its irrelevant, because the minute you ask a court to order child support, then paternity does come into play. Once paternity comes into play then visitation/custody comes in for the father as well. He can just say he didn't know it was his child.

 

OP, I agree with Velvette:

 

You can only demand child support after agreeing to a DNA test to prove paternity.

 

Once you prove paternity, he can and may seek custody.

 

Some courts may see the ex mm's situation to be MORE stable for the child.

 

The courts may decide to give him full custody and YOU visitation rights.

 

Also, given that you are an married woman with a child from an affair, were you to divorce, the ex MM and wife can seek ways to prove child neglect, were you to leave the child home too often with a babysitter to go out with friends and live what the courts may view as a single life, that neglects the child, in their view.

 

I am curious, did you use birth control during the affair?

Edited February 29, 2016 by Liam1

[stillafool]

OP, I agree with Velvette:

 

You can only demand child support after agreeing to a DNA test to prove paternity.

 

Once you prove paternity, he can and may seek custody.

 

Some courts may see the ex mm's situation to be MORE stable for the child.

 

The courts may decide to give him full custody and YOU visitation rights.

 

Also, given that you are an married woman with a child from an affair, were you to divorce, the ex MM and wife can seek ways to prove child neglect, were you to leave the child home too often with a babysitter to go out with friends and live what the courts may view as a single life, that neglects the child, in their view.

 

I am curious, did you use birth control during the affair?

 

Wow! This is serious business. I had no idea this is how it goes down.

[goodyblue]

Yet so far BS is the only one here who seems to be thinking straight and calm, wanting to talk and figure this out. Assuming the worst at this point is only going to make mayday freak out and worry more. Let's not compare the BS is this situation to other stories and situations.

 

We've no idea what her motives are. You are judging the complete opposite direction off of two measles texts.

[goodyblue]

Wow! This is serious business. I had no idea this is how it goes down.

 

It can. Generally speaking it takes a lot to prove neglect, but really, if MM wanted he could keep verified up in the courts, draining her resources for years.

 

Courts don't give more than joint custody to the father unless the mother does something awful, leaving the child alone, not being present much, drug or alcohol abuse, physical abuse etc.

[Mayday2016]

OP, I agree with Velvette:

 

You can only demand child support after agreeing to a DNA test to prove paternity.

 

Once you prove paternity, he can and may seek custody.

 

Some courts may see the ex mm's situation to be MORE stable for the child.

 

The courts may decide to give him full custody and YOU visitation rights.

 

Also, given that you are an married woman with a child from an affair, were you to divorce, the ex MM and wife can seek ways to prove child neglect, were you to leave the child home too often with a babysitter to go out with friends and live what the courts may view as a single life, that neglects the child, in their view.

 

I am curious, did you use birth control during the affair?

 

I had had an IUD put in a few months prior to meeting MM. At a checkup they did a standard urine test and it came back positive so she did the check and there were no strings. I had to have an u/s and it showed a viable pregnancy. Abortion was off the table for me but the obgyn scheduled one when I told her my situation. I felt like she was trying to push me into a medical termination but while it crossed my mind, I couldn't do it. Nothing against those that terminate, I had a medical one years ago but it took me a long time to get over it.

[Mayday2016]

Let me say also I have not lived with my own exH for 3 years so in all actuality I am living a single life and have been for a long time. I have been a single mother for a long time, the only thing that changed is that I had to start begging my ex husband to send me checks to take care of the kids, he used to just give me money before (I was never allowed to have my name on our bank accounts nor have my own debit card while we were married- he controlled everything)

[Sub]

OP, I'm not totally familiar with your story. How many kids did you have with your xH? And I'm assuming you have your own source of income being a single mother for the past 3 years or so.

[Sassy Girl]

My mom did say one thing. When the wife texted she said "coming months"--- my mom said a child is an 18 year commitment, not a several months one. She is afraid they may go for sole custody or to pay me off in a lump sum. She said we need to go through lawyers only.

 

I think coming months means to establish paternity and sort out child support. It's clear she's not going to allow you to do thins alone with her husband. You're reading too much into it and looking for ways to make her a villain. She's trying to protect her family ... From you.

[LivingWaterPlease]

 

Some courts may see the ex mm's situation to be MORE stable for the child.

 

The courts may decide to give him full custody and YOU visitation rights.

 

Also, given that you are an married woman with a child from an affair, were you to divorce, the ex MM and wife can seek ways to prove child neglect, were you to leave the child home too often with a babysitter to go out with friends and live what the courts may view as a single life, that neglects the child, in their view.

 

I am curious, did you use birth control during the affair?

 

 

It is very rare for a mother to lose custody unless she has a drug problem or extreme problem with alcohol.

 

If the exMM and wife have information they could prove that is extreme enough for them to get custody, then it's in the child's best interest for them to have custody but it rarely happens.

 

Mayday2016, I have two relatives who are bipolar. Your exMM's BW may or may not be bipolar.

 

I can totally imagine my bipolar sister reacting exactly as exMM's wife has. It is typical of bipolar people to jump on a situation quickly and embrace it, only later to find themselves in a quagmire of practical concerns which they are unable to negotiate well. They are also often attracted to novel situations and to drama and may consider themselves to be the "savior" of a bad situation.

 

Bipolar people can present as very stable people at times.

 

It is odd to me that BW has so quickly and calmly taken over the situation from her WH.

 

A wise woman in her situation would at this point have dealt through the court system only in regards to your child, not necessarily in regards to meeting the woman their WH had an A with.

 

She is behaving in an emotional manner in contacting you and suggesting that the two of you meet to figure out how to relate in the months to come. (I realize those aren't her exact words).

 

She has not had time to consider her own feelings and to weigh the implications of the situation and this is typical of bipolars.

 

An emotionally and mentally healthy person doesn't decide in a few days that she wants to welcome the child of her wayward into her home.

 

That is not to say a mentally and emotionally healthy person would be opposed to it right away. But rather that wisdom takes time to process an issue this large.

 

You also need TIME to work through this without BW. It's your baby, not hers.

 

There is no way to know what her thoughts and intentions toward your baby are from the little you know of her. That is not to say she's a bad person.

 

But, just because she's sent you a calm text message or two is no indication of her stability. Many unstable people could do the same.

 

She doesn't know you and may think that as a single mom (you're separated or divorced?) at some point you'd be glad to have them become full time parents of your child. Or, if he has portrayed you as unstable she may think there's a possibility they can get custody at some point if they step up to the plate and begin providing a home for the child.

 

The upside of this for your exMM and his BW would be that the father would no longer have to pay CS. So, this could be a motivation to right away begin providing a home for the child with them so that they could seque into being the custodial parents.

 

This may or may not be her intention.

 

I would be cautious of dealing with her, though.

 

She and H have already been separated. This doesn't speak well for their union and stability as a family. Her WH has told you she is bipolar. She very well could be. OTOH she may not be. You just don't know.

 

I would be very cautious with her, though, and deal only through the courts at this time. If you ever talk with her or meet with her i would have a person that you trust and who would be a good witness in court present.

 

And him, well.....I wouldn't want him in her life until she is much older, if at all. I really can't recall anything positive you have written about him except for the fact that he has a respectable career.

 

In your place, I would want to limit his contact with her because he has shown no interest in her. It's extremely odd to me that he would come to your house and not even care to see his own child.

 

Also, the part about you being pregnant and the two of you being intimate in his driveway is also odd. Add that to the fact that he has demonstrated through his conversations about his own daughter that his relationship with her seems odd, this is not someone I'd want to have around my child.

[Ms. Faust]

OP, I'm not totally familiar with your story. How many kids did you have with your xH? And I'm assuming you have your own source of income being a single mother for the past 3 years or so.

 

I believe a while back OP said she is unemployed, does a little freelance work on the side, and receives spousal support.

[velvette]

Let me say also I have not lived with my own exH for 3 years so in all actuality I am living a single life and have been for a long time. I have been a single mother for a long time, the only thing that changed is that I had to start begging my ex husband to send me checks to take care of the kids, he used to just give me money before (I was never allowed to have my name on our bank accounts nor have my own debit card while we were married- he controlled everything)

 

 

Have you taken steps to finalize your divorce and get a court order for whatever spousal and child support you are entitled?

 

 

I hope you are also discussing why you were in that kind of M in therapy as well as your current issues.

 

 

The best thing you could do for yourself and your children is take a long vacation from men until you understand why you have chosen the men you have chosen. You and they deserve better, but that wont happen until you believe that with all your heart and learn to choose men who will treat you well.

 

 

Please start building a support system for yourself with women. There must be activities in your area where you can meet other single or SAHM with young children so you can make friends you can turn to. Even some who could be role models for how to better navigate life as a single mother.

[Liam1]

 

It is very rare for a mother to lose custody unless she has a drug problem or extreme problem with alcohol.

 

 

Actually that is no longer true in 2016 and it is sad that this myth persists.

 

This woman appears, in later postings to be saying she is unmarried or soon to finalize a divorce and is unemployed.

 

It would be very easy for the courts to see the ex MM and his wife to be the more stable family to have full custody.

 

As for the wife being bi-polar. That may have been a lie to excuse the ex mm's behavior.

[stillafool]

I texted back that we should go through lawyers.

 

She said- ok, we meet with our lawyer on Tuesday.

 

The BS has already agreed that they will meet with their attorney so she understands where OP is coming from. I however, don't find anything odd about wanting to meet the woman who had an affair and baby with her husband. I would think that's just human.

 

OP, is your husband paying child support?

[Mayday2016]

I believe a while back OP said she is unemployed, does a little freelance work on the side, and receives spousal support.

 

I was a Saha/Sahm for a decade. The last couple years I picked up a 'hobby' my ex didn't think it would go anywhere so didn't view it as a threat. It has, when I apply myself, become a source of supplemental income. It could very well lead to a career should I be able to invest myself fully. I don't mean to be vague, I just don't want to give away too much. But yea, due to my ex not allowing me to work (I wasn't allowed to drive for 5 out of 10 years) I have no employment history nor higher education. My ex wanted me home and didn't want me socializing within our community because he himself was having multiple relationships outside of our marriage. This is a big reason why I tolerated mm's **** and gripped so tightly to him, I was accustomed to being treated like trash and was scared of him throwing me away, too.

[Mayday2016]

The BS has already agreed that they will meet with their attorney so she understands where OP is coming from. I however, don't find anything odd about wanting to meet the woman who had an affair and baby with her husband. I would think that's just human.

 

OP, is your husband paying child support?

 

 

Begrudgingly. He does not want to and is only doing so because it's court ordered, it's always late but I've become very good at budgeting. I am learning quickly how to stretch a dollar.

[stillafool]

Begrudgingly. He does not want to and is only doing so because it's court ordered, it's always late but I've become very good at budgeting. I am learning quickly how to stretch a dollar.

 

Yeah, most of them do begrudgingly pay, you are not alone in that.

[stillafool]

I was a Saha/Sahm for a decade. The last couple years I picked up a 'hobby' my ex didn't think it would go anywhere so didn't view it as a threat. It has, when I apply myself, become a source of supplemental income. It could very well lead to a career should I be able to invest myself fully. I don't mean to be vague, I just don't want to give away too much. But yea, due to my ex not allowing me to work (I wasn't allowed to drive for 5 out of 10 years) I have no employment history nor higher education. My ex wanted me home and didn't want me socializing within our community because he himself was having multiple relationships outside of our marriage. This is a big reason why I tolerated mm's **** and gripped so tightly to him, I was accustomed to being treated like trash and was scared of him throwing me away, too.

 

Well now that your ex is no longer around maybe you can make friends with more women and use them as your support instead of a man.

[whichwayisup]

We've no idea what her motives are. You are judging the complete opposite direction off of two measles texts.

 

And you are judging due to your own experiences as an OW dealing with a past BS and from other stories from users on here.

 

There is no evidence (so far) that his wife is the devil, out to screw mayfair over. Those texts were kind and open, not mean or malicious.

[Mayday2016]

Our divorce was supposed to be finalized in mid January but exH (I feel like I can call him that as we have been separated a long time) hasn't done anything he was supposed to and won't decide if I'm allowed to have part of his 401k or who gets what assets. We go in April to finalize if he does these things. He has held us up multiple times and I don't understand why, he's living with a 25 yr old girl who has recently started wearing a ring on her left hand, I assume he's ready to move on, I don't get why he won't stop dragging his feet though. Maybe someone here has insight on that? He's getting a sweet deal, he only has to pay 32 months of spousal support as opposed to 5 years,