His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[Mayday2016]

Hello, this is {wife}. We still have not received the second set of papers and we need them before we meet with the lawyer tomorrow afternoon how can we get a copy before then? I can drive down to your lawyers office if needed.

 

2nd text- We did leave a message for Your lawyer on Friday but never heard back

 

 

 

She doesn't need me for this. It's a standard set of forms you can get at the court house or any lawyer has on hand. I told my sister and she said she's trying to keep me engaged. I was civil enough when I told her I'd talk through lawyers. My sister said she's the type to keep texting to keep it going, to keep the drama in a cycle because she needs the fix. He always said his wife would text, text, text after fights and would never let things rest. I fully expect more texts from her tonight and will be surprised if I do not receive any more. If she had wanted to go to my lawyer's office, she could have, she didn't need to tell me about it I gave her husband the address last week, he knows where it is. The ****ty thing? If SHE talks to MY lawyer I get charged. This woman is going to rack up legal fees for me if she doesn't learn to navigate this herself.

[stillafool]

Calm down. She is trying to let you know she has tried to contact your atty for info they need, he hasn't gotten back to her and perhaps you could speed this up. This is all for your benefit isn't it? What is your sister talking about? If someone was getting ready to help me, I would call my atty and ask him why hasn't he gotten back to them. They need them by tomorrow afternoon. What else is she supposed to do?

[Ms. Faust]

Hello, this is {wife}. We still have not received the second set of papers and we need them before we meet with the lawyer tomorrow afternoon how can we get a copy before then? I can drive down to your lawyers office if needed.

 

2nd text- We did leave a message for Your lawyer on Friday but never heard back

 

 

 

She doesn't need me for this. It's a standard set of forms you can get at the court house or any lawyer has on hand. I told my sister and she said she's trying to keep me engaged. I was civil enough when I told her I'd talk through lawyers. My sister said she's the type to keep texting to keep it going, to keep the drama in a cycle because she needs the fix. He always said his wife would text, text, text after fights and would never let things rest. I fully expect more texts from her tonight and will be surprised if I do not receive any more. If she had wanted to go to my lawyer's office, she could have, she didn't need to tell me about it I gave her husband the address last week, he knows where it is. The ****ty thing? If SHE talks to MY lawyer I get charged. This woman is going to rack up legal fees for me if she doesn't learn to navigate this herself.

 

It's your responsibility to draw boundaries, so do them. Send her a courteous text, answer her question, and end with "Please follow up anymore issues with your lawyer". Or how about a simple: "Please do not text me anymore"????

 

And seriously, your sister sounds like the drama llama.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Mayday2016, please be prepared by keeping records. Being prepared has nothing to do with fearmongering or drama and for a poster to suggest so is naive and counterproductive to your situation.

 

You will never go wrong by being prepared in any of life's situations. For instance, most of us won't have our houses destroyed by a fire or a storm, but if you own a home it's not melodramatic to have it insured; it's smart. You're probably not going to get a terminal illness this year, but it's not fearmongering to suggest you should have health insurance to cover the remote possibility.

 

Likewise, you very likely won't face a custody situation, but it is wise to keep records given you have heard from the BW and she has taken a step forward in letting you know of her desire that her entire family is involved with your daughter. It will cost you nothing to keep records and it will be simple.

 

If the situation arises down the road where you need the records and don't have them, it will be much more difficult to try and recall dates and times and also not as persuasive to the court as it would be if you could show that you have kept consistent timely records.

 

You don't know these people or what pathway they may take in dealing with this. No one of us advising you on this board does, either. That is the reason you should prepare.

 

A person who is familiar with legal matters, custody situations, etc. will always advise you to prepare.

 

Talk this over with your attorney and see what he/she would advise.

 

I've been through many court battles, including child custody, which no one would have ever predicted (I was prepared and I won) and know that the more prepared you are the stronger your position is.

 

It is naive not to prepare.

[Mayday2016]

Calm down. She is trying to let you know she has tried to contact your atty for info they need, he hasn't gotten back to her and perhaps you could speed this up. This is all for your benefit isn't it? What is your sister talking about? If someone was getting ready to help me, I would call my atty and ask him why hasn't he gotten back to them. They need them by tomorrow afternoon. What else is she supposed to do?

 

 

 

It's 6 pm on a Monday, they go tomorrow. My lawyer leaves at 4, as stated on his Google information. Just punch in his name and it lists business hours. How can I help when he's closed? Most businesses are 9-5 regardless, trying to talk to me at dinner time isn't conducive to figuring her solution out. It's not my fault her husband BURNED the first set of papers that cost me $450 to have it sent along with a letter typed up by my lawyer telling him we'll be nice and discreet.

[Ms. Faust]

It's 6 pm on a Monday, they go tomorrow. My lawyer leaves at 4, as stated on his Google information. Just punch in his name and it lists business hours. How can I help when he's closed? Most businesses are 9-5 regardless, trying to talk to me at dinner time isn't conducive to figuring her solution out. It's not my fault her husband BURNED the first set of papers that cost me $450 to have it sent along with a letter typed up by my lawyer telling him we'll be nice and discreet.

 

None of this is her fault, either.

 

So why are you so obviously angry at her?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Calm down. She is trying to let you know she has tried to contact your atty for info they need, he hasn't gotten back to her and perhaps you could speed this up. This is all for your benefit isn't it? What is your sister talking about? If someone was getting ready to help me, I would call my atty and ask him why hasn't he gotten back to them. They need them by tomorrow afternoon. What else is she supposed to do?

 

I believe OP has told the BW they'll work through the attys? Is this correct, OP? I doubt OP can speed things up at her attys office and she might incur extra expenses by contacting them to try.

 

BW is out-of-line contacting OP when OP has clearly stated they will go through attys to settle things related to the child.

[georgia girl]

Mayday,

 

In my opinion only, I think you are alarming yourself a little too much. It came across to me that she's genuinely trying to get things going - probably a little on your behalf as well as her own.

 

I could be totally wrong here - as can all of the other posters who say contrary - but to me only it seems like she is the one wiling to accept responsibility for his actions. I think she's the one who is willing to accept his child from another relationship and I don't think he has changed one bit. I think he did everything he could to protect himself from having to face his wife and to protect himself financially, but when push came to shove, she actually surprised him and said she was willing to stay and that they should do the right thing. Likely because she has a toddler herself, I believe that's why she may be more accepting.

 

Please reach out to your lawyer and let him know about the texts you've received and about the need for a second set of papers. (I wouldn't condemn her, by the way, for not knowing that these are standard county documents. This is obviously very new to her and likely shocking as well so she wouldn't know that. She likely believes that they have to have them before they go to their attorney.) I would follow his advice. Does he say to engage? Should you all meet in his office? Don't shut him out. If the attorney can get your MM to acknowledge paternity, then it will save legal fees and court costs. If you can enter arbitration around issues such as custody and child support, it will also save costs.

 

Finally, one thing I would prepare for, is a request for shared custody. If she has accepted it, I would believe that she will make him take responsibility and want him to be a part of his daughter's life, regardless of the circumstances. I've never been in either of your shoes, but if this were to happen to me and I decided to stay with my husband, this is what I would do. I would make him own up to his responsibilities and as much as it hurt, I would want my own daughter to know her sister. It would take a tremendous amount of counselling to get me and my husband over it, but I would make sure it didn't impact an innocent child.

[Dancewithme]

Like Stillafool said, calm down. The Bw sounds like she is doing the best she can, and trying to handle things. Give her the benefit of doubt. Her world has been rocked, I think she's being calm in the face of all of this . If you want to NICELY request that she go through the attorney for what she needs, do so, but get rid of the chip on your shoulder. She did nothing to you.

 

I suggest you be careful in listening to your sister, sounds like she likes to stir things up. Its time for you to be calm and mature throughout all this, a lot is at stake for you.

[brothers343]

Please do not mention to him or his wife that you are thinking of taking away his 401k or retirement money. It will make a bad situation into a worse one. And then all hell will break loose.

[velvette]

Mayday2016, please be prepared by keeping records. Being prepared has nothing to do with fearmongering or drama and for a poster to suggest so is naive and counterproductive to your situation.

.

 

 

No poster suggested not being prepared.

 

 

[]

 

 

What I said was that requesting custody to avoid child support was illogical because its cheaper to write a check for child support than to have a child and their related expenses in your home every day.

 

 

Mayday is dealing with a college professor whom she has stated is extremely intelligent. Since most people marry someone of similar intelligence, I am going to assume his wife is at least not unintelligent.

 

 

Together, pretty sure they are able to do the math regarding child support being cheaper than full custody.

 

 

They may have other reasons they decide to request full custody although I doubt it, but saving money surely will not be one of them.

Edited March 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LivingWaterPlease]

It's 6 pm on a Monday, they go tomorrow. My lawyer leaves at 4, as stated on his Google information. Just punch in his name and it lists business hours. How can I help when he's closed? Most businesses are 9-5 regardless, trying to talk to me at dinner time isn't conducive to figuring her solution out. It's not my fault her husband BURNED the first set of papers that cost me $450 to have it sent along with a letter typed up by my lawyer telling him we'll be nice and discreet.

 

Mayday2016, the BW was out-of-line to contact you about this as there's nothing you can do about it. But, try not to let it get to you. I know, it's hard given the circumstances.

 

When your attorney's office opens tomorrow call them and have them tell the attorney of your WH to have the BW stop contacting you.

 

Don't reply to her phone calls or texts from now on. But, keep a record of her contacts with you. The more she contacts you after being asked not to, the stronger your case is if a custody situation should ever arise.

[stillafool]

Maybe the BW is trying to do right by your child because one day she will have to answer to her child about her sister. They are family now.

[Mayday2016]

I don't mean to appear angry and my sister is experienced with this, sort of. Her ex remarried a woman as they were going through a custody disputes with my niece. His wife cost my sister around $3,000 because she would call my sisters lawyer and email him repeatedly. Anytime that woman did that my sister would be charged. I'm sort of glad my lawyer didn't return her call because he knows my financial situation maybe he will even think like previous posters have mentioned, that we should ask MM to cover legal fees. We didn't even ask my soon to be xH to do that. I have been super fair in my own divorce, always putting the kids first. I am on high alert for my daughters sake, I don't want her becoming a pawn for this woman to potentially hurt me for the affair.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Surely the lawyers office has copies of the records. Her contacting your attorney for the copies is probably cheaper than her visiting their attorney then him calling to get the records. I imagine she wants all of her ducks in a row as well to cut costs. Her continuing to get lay nice is in your favor, I'd do whatever I could to keep things on great terms. They could hem and haw and cost you a fortune. Doesn't sound like that's her plan at the moment. I'd bet more than you she wants to know exactly how this will affect her and her family. She has no way to know what's on those papers.

[minimariah]

I am on high alert for my daughters sake, I don't want her becoming a pawn for this woman to potentially hurt me for the affair.

 

you should be on high alert - but you're overdoing it now.

 

you flip - flop between being on high alert and straight up demonizing this woman. she showed respect and kindness. you gotta do the SAME -- or else you're look like a bitter madwoman. for now, she is playing fair - you should play fair, too. you'll see how it goes.

[Sub]

I'm sort of glad my lawyer didn't return her call because he knows my financial situation maybe he will even think like previous posters have mentioned, that we should ask MM to cover legal fees.

 

I get that this is difficult, but be careful here. You want her to go through your lawyer. Then she goes through your lawyer and you're happy he's not responding because it saves you money. So......

[stillafool]

I don't mean to appear angry and my sister is experienced with this, sort of. Her ex remarried a woman as they were going through a custody disputes with my niece. His wife cost my sister around $3,000 because she would call my sisters lawyer and email him repeatedly. Anytime that woman did that my sister would be charged. I'm sort of glad my lawyer didn't return her call because he knows my financial situation maybe he will even think like previous posters have mentioned, that we should ask MM to cover legal fees. We didn't even ask my soon to be xH to do that. I have been super fair in my own divorce, always putting the kids first. I am on high alert for my daughters sake, I don't want her becoming a pawn for this woman to potentially hurt me for the affair.

 

Let me ask you are you just now thinking of this? Did you not think this way when you wrote earlier how you wanted MM in your daughters life? How did you think that was going to play out with his wife? It seems now you have completely changed course, why is that?

[stillafool]

I get that this is difficult, but be careful here. You want her to go through your lawyer. Then she goes through your lawyer and you're happy he's not responding because it saves you money. So......

 

Basically she is damned if she do and damned if she don't.

[velvette]

Hello, this is {wife}. We still have not received the second set of papers and we need them before we meet with the lawyer tomorrow afternoon how can we get a copy before then? I can drive down to your lawyers office if needed.

 

2nd text- We did leave a message for Your lawyer on Friday but never heard back

 

 

 

She doesn't need me for this. It's a standard set of forms you can get at the court house or any lawyer has on hand. I told my sister and she said she's trying to keep me engaged. I was civil enough when I told her I'd talk through lawyers. My sister said she's the type to keep texting to keep it going, to keep the drama in a cycle because she needs the fix. He always said his wife would text, text, text after fights and would never let things rest. I fully expect more texts from her tonight and will be surprised if I do not receive any more. If she had wanted to go to my lawyer's office, she could have, she didn't need to tell me about it I gave her husband the address last week, he knows where it is. The ****ty thing? If SHE talks to MY lawyer I get charged. This woman is going to rack up legal fees for me if she doesn't learn to navigate this herself.

 

 

Most people are not going to know that unless they have dealt with this before. What is in your and your childs best interest?

 

 

Get the child support resolved and the sooner the better at the least cost to you.

 

 

Text her back and tell her she can get it at the court house or that her lawyer likely has a copy. If you want, ask her to check with her lawyer in the future.

 

 

No time like the present to practice the hardest to learn but the most important rule of parenting with someone you are not married to........taking the high road in the interest of your child..........it will always pay off......no matter what the other persons motives are.

 

 

Best of all it frees you from even thinking about what their motives are and wasting time/energy getting angry or worked up about it.

[Ms. Faust]

I am on high alert for my daughters sake, I don't want her becoming a pawn for this woman to potentially hurt me for the affair.

 

Mayday, keep in mind the BW's intentions are first and foremost going to be to protect HER daughter, not looking for ways to hurt you. A tenured track in academia can take 5-7 years, plus it is obvious from that snippet you showed us that the MM is not overly involved with his daughter. With him focusing on his studies and work, AND carrying on an affair (with yourself and other women), who do you think has been parenting his child?

 

You are on high alert for your daughter, she is probably feeling the same way for hers. So far, the only proven liar is the MM, and she has shown or done nothing for you to think she means to harm you.

[Mayday2016]

Let me ask you are you just now thinking of this? Did you not think this way when you wrote earlier how you wanted MM in your daughters life? How did you think that was going to play out with his wife? It seems now you have completely changed course, why is that?

 

 

 

I never saw his wife wanting this. It wasn't a possibility in my mind. He vehemently stated for 10 months (pregnancy and months after) he did not want her. Now 'they' do? I never thought she'd persuade him into this because all I heard was NO, NEVER, she is 'your child now and forever, I will not be a father in any way'.. And if this did happen I didn't expect it to happen 4 days after he told her wife. I'd figure they'd mull it over, my daughter would be MUCH older. She's 9 weeks old. I'm sleep deprived, I am hormonal, my hair is falling out, face is breaking out, my nipples are sore from nursing, and I am well past 'tired' ... I'm floored that this has happened so fast, so fast. I thought xMM would want to keep it discreet as he asked me to resend the child support papers to his work the day before he told her. Suddenly here she is texting me when it's all so fresh and raw. I thought I would have more time to heal from the affair and get over him before I'm thrust into potentially coparenting with him and his wife. I wanted him in our daughter's life but I figured he'd need time to want that and I'd have time to get over him.

[Sassy Girl]

[] You've had 10 months to think about this... She's had 4 days. [] Give her some credit.

Edited March 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mayday2016]

I'm not trying to sound mean or angry or paranoid. I'm just a new mom doing my best to cope with having been through a pregnancy and delivery and the first weeks alone. It has been just me getting up every 2-3 hours with baby, changing every diaper, doing everything. I'm very physically exhausted but dealing with the hurt from xMM I am emotionally spent too. I loved this man and he hurt me, down right just hurt me.

 

I don't know BW just what xMM has said. When she discovered the affair in September she went out and bought a 3rd dog. When she discovered the affair had resumed and there's a baby, I feel like either she's going to hurt me for stabbing her in the back again or she's going to use my baby to heal her sounds like she did with the dog.

 

My brain is running 1,000 mph - when you have been this exhausted for over two months there is no more rational thought. I haven't texted her back, I haven't communicated with her so it's not like I'm saying mean unkind things to her, I'm just voicing concern to you all hoping you can bring me down to reality.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I don't mean to appear angry and my sister is experienced with this, sort of. Her ex remarried a woman as they were going through a custody disputes with my niece. His wife cost my sister around $3,000 because she would call my sisters lawyer and email him repeatedly. Anytime that woman did that my sister would be charged. I'm sort of glad my lawyer didn't return her call because he knows my financial situation maybe he will even think like previous posters have mentioned, that we should ask MM to cover legal fees. We didn't even ask my soon to be xH to do that. I have been super fair in my own divorce, always putting the kids first. I am on high alert for my daughters sake, I don't want her becoming a pawn for this woman to potentially hurt me for the affair.

 

It's OK to have emotions including anger, Mayday2016. The thing that determines what is right or wrong is what you do with your anger.

 

What you are going through is very difficult for you, as it's difficult for BW and WH, too. But keeping yourself calm and healthy so that you can take care of your daughter should be your first concern. That is not to say you should be rude or unkind to BW and WH.

 

You have both retained attorneys and one of the advantages of having an attorney is that you don't have to deal directly with another in an emotionally difficult situation.

 

After things are settled and some time has gone by when you feel emotionally ready to engage with BW and/or WH, then you can proceed to do so. For now, you have the option to deal only through your attorneys. In your situation, I would definitely take it. It isn't a rude or unkind option and it's the option many people choose in domestic cases.