How to avoid subconscious triggers?

[Lovetoohard]

I’m still in the recovery phase and I wish there was some 12-step program laid out on what to do next, but there isn’t. Here’s a brief synopsis: Worked together, had an EA for about 4 months, which became full-blown EA/PA for another 12 months - saw each other almost every day…real dates, weekend getaways, etc.

 

I broke it off about 5 months ago, had another 3 months or so of LC with lots of references to our R and a few relapses, so it wasn’t really a “break”, and then after my last day at the job, another 3 months of LC, all calls initiated by him. Our last conversation was a little over a month ago. I ignored the calls initially as I didn’t feel strong at that time, but am now able to handle them just fine and they don’t phase me. I haven’t reached out to him at all and have no desire to.

 

I have been feeling strong and healthy and getting back to my old self, but I have “off” days occasionally. They’re not triggered by anything in particular and don’t necessarily monopolize my day, but they are intrusive nonetheless. It’s usually something like a song, a favorite food or a scent of his cologne that send me back to memory lane. But, in addition to that, it’s these crazy dreams that I occasionally have: for example, last night, I dreamt that I was with his two kids and they were telling me that their dad was with a woman with olive skin and long dark hair and looked a lot like me and that their mother didn’t know and they were asking me about her.

 

I was asking them all these questions about if they liked her and if she'd be a good mother to them and then I called xMM and I told him to stop this **** because he needed to figure out his M with his W instead of running around behind his back and dating someone and that I was disappointed in him. His voice was so vivid in the dream. I woke up in a sweat and with my heart beating. I know I sound dramatic, but I really want to stop this kind of subconscious intrusion. XMM often asked me if i'd be ok with being a mother to his two kids and if I truly wanted that. I have no kids of my own nor have I ever been married, but I felt like he often "tested" me on that subject by either having his kids come to the office and hang out or "judge" my maternal instincts based on my interactions with my nieces and nephews.

 

I have a pretty active social life and have hobbies and interests that I keep busy with, so it's not like I have a ton of free time to think about this stuff but it really throws me off when it happens. Please tell me that this is normal and if so, how do I deal with it?

Edited February 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Satu]

Copied from my journal:

 

 

Freud and Jung concluded that most mental and emotional pain comes from:

 

Resistance

 

Conflict

 

and

 

Failure to adapt.

 

All you will achieve by trying not to think about this is the creation of terrific tension in your psyche.

 

The thoughts come, but you try not to think about them = resistance.

 

You try not to think about the thoughts but you do = conflict.

 

Conflict + Resistance = Mental and emotional pain.

 

 

Let the thoughts come and go just like any other thoughts.

 

Let them come, let them go.

 

If you don't, they will slam in hard at inconvenient times.

 

Let them come, let them go.

 

 

Gradually the thoughts are drained of energy, and become something of little significance.

 

 

You get what you resist.

 

What you resist persists.

 

 

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

 

—C. G. Jung

 

 

Take care.

[lemondrop21]

Hi love, I'm so sorry you had an off day and that dream sounds terrible. I would have woken up sweaty, too. As you know, I have no advice because I'm not as far along in my recovery as you are. But I'm sending you hugs and good wishes.

 

I had a dream recently that I was in excruciating pain and had to go to the hospital, but didn't know who to call. I thought of calling exMM but of course I can't. Same thing with exbf. So I ended up calling my mother and was asking her if she had let the dog out first etc (I am in some ways more emotionally mature than her and feel that I "parent" her at times) and then I'm sitting there waiting for her to deal with the dog and trying to think of other things that she needs to take care of, while at the same time writhing in pain.

 

I did not have a good day after that dream. I wish right now I didn't have to dream.

[Poppy47]

Go with the thoughts...

 

Poppy.

[SolG]

To give you a practical example, this is what I do (and not just about A stuff). I'm sure there's a million techniques out there and you can find one (or more) that work for you.

 

When I get an uncomfortable emotional sensation, I notice it, and feel it and sit with it a little. Its texture, its location, its strength. Breath through it if necessary, if it's particularly strong. (Feel it, the way your limbic system is lighting up in this context. Accept that feeling as real and valid. It's trying to tell you something.)

 

Then I go looking for the source; what happened and/or the thoughts that are driving it. I try to do this from a perspective of curiosity. I find the thoughts, the story that I'm telling myself that's causing the emotion. And I roll that around a little too; let it float. It's just thoughts, words, a story. Sometimes I'll write it down and come back to it later. (Identify the surface level stimulus that is driving the limbic response, and at the same time kicking the prefrontal cortex into action to regain control.)

 

Then I check the story out a bit deeper and call myself on it. So, how much of this is even true? Or relevant? Am I filling in impossible blanks here? Am I blaming someone else for my thoughts, emotions and actions in this story and therefore failing to take responsibility for myself? What is really going on here Sol??? Sometimes I'll tell someone else my story and explore it with them. Then I rewrite the story from what I now know. (Exploring the truth of why the surface level stimulus activates the limbic system; what is going on in me that is making it so. What is the threat or the fear I perceive; and what is its basis. Understanding. Taking the subconscious into the conscious.)

 

Then next time I feel that feel I can go, 'Hey, limbic system stop that crap! I know what's going on here! Stop overreacting, I got it.'

 

Or, yanno, I get it all wrong and get to write about a whole new story of how I <fill in the blank with stupid reactive thing I did> and now I'm feeling... start the whole process again :-)

 

When I get it really, spectacularly, immensely wrong (which I do... still... probably will always :-/) it's usually because I'm a bit like Sarah in The Labyrinth. Sometimes I forget that it's MY story, and forget that line too:

 

 

SARAH: GIVE ME THE CHILD.

SARAH: THROUGH DANGERS UNTOLD AND HARDSHIPS UNNUMBERED,

SARAH: I HAVE FOUGHT MY WAY HERE

SARAH: TO THE CASTLE BEYOND THE GOBLIN CITY

SARAH: TO TAKE BACK THE CHILD THAT YOU HAVE STOLEN,

SARAH: FOR MY WILL IS AS STRONG AS YOURS,

SARAH: AND MY KINGDOM IS AS GREAT.

[THUNDER]

SARAH: FOR MY WILL IS AS STRONG AS YOURS.

SARAH: MY KINGDOM IS GREAT.

SARAH: DAMN.

SARAH: OH, I CAN NEVER REMEMBER THAT LINE.

SARAH: "YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME."

Edited February 29, 2016 by SolG

[Lovetoohard]

Hi love, I'm so sorry you had an off day and that dream sounds terrible. I would have woken up sweaty, too. As you know, I have no advice because I'm not as far along in my recovery as you are. But I'm sending you hugs and good wishes.

 

I had a dream recently that I was in excruciating pain and had to go to the hospital, but didn't know who to call. I thought of calling exMM but of course I can't. Same thing with exbf. So I ended up calling my mother and was asking her if she had let the dog out first etc (I am in some ways more emotionally mature than her and feel that I "parent" her at times) and then I'm sitting there waiting for her to deal with the dog and trying to think of other things that she needs to take care of, while at the same time writhing in pain.

 

I did not have a good day after that dream. I wish right now I didn't have to dream.

 

Thank you for your kind words, Lemon. I feel better, but those first few hours after waking up from that dream (or I should call it nightmare) were terrible. I can't believe the physical reactions like the heart pounding, chest pain and sweats.I'm sorry you had a terrible dream too. It's like you can't really get away from it in the waking hours, or during sleep too! Hopefully this won't be a frequent thing.

[Lovetoohard]

To give you a practical example, this is what I do (and not just about A stuff). I'm sure there's a million techniques out there and you can find one (or more) that work for you.

 

When I get an uncomfortable emotional sensation, I notice it, and feel it and sit with it a little. Its texture, its location, its strength. Breath through it if necessary, if it's particularly strong. (Feel it, the way your limbic system is lighting up in this context. Accept that feeling as real and valid. It's trying to tell you something.)

 

Then I go looking for the source; what happened and/or the thoughts that are driving it. I try to do this from a perspective of curiosity. I find the thoughts, the story that I'm telling myself that's causing the emotion. And I roll that around a little too; let it float. It's just thoughts, words, a story. Sometimes I'll write it down and come back to it later. (Identify the surface level stimulus that is driving the limbic response, and at the same time kicking the prefrontal cortex into action to regain control.)

 

Then I check the story out a bit deeper and call myself on it. So, how much of this is even true? Or relevant? Am I filling in impossible blanks here? Am I blaming someone else for my thoughts, emotions and actions in this story and therefore failing to take responsibility for myself? What is really going on here Sol??? Sometimes I'll tell someone else my story and explore it with them. Then I rewrite the story from what I now know. (Exploring the truth of why the surface level stimulus activates the limbic system; what is going on in me that is making it so. What is the threat or the fear I perceive; and what is its basis. Understanding. Taking the subconscious into the conscious.)

 

Then next time I feel that feel I can go, 'Hey, limbic system stop that crap! I know what's going on here! Stop overreacting, I got it.'

 

Or, yanno, I get it all wrong and get to write about a whole new story of how I <fill in the blank with stupid reactive thing I did> and now I'm feeling... start the whole process again :-)

 

When I get it really, spectacularly, immensely wrong (which I do... still... probably will always :-/) it's usually because I'm a bit like Sarah in The Labyrinth. Sometimes I forget that it's MY story, and forget that line too:

 

 

SARAH: GIVE ME THE CHILD.

SARAH: THROUGH DANGERS UNTOLD AND HARDSHIPS UNNUMBERED,

SARAH: I HAVE FOUGHT MY WAY HERE

SARAH: TO THE CASTLE BEYOND THE GOBLIN CITY

SARAH: TO TAKE BACK THE CHILD THAT YOU HAVE STOLEN,

SARAH: FOR MY WILL IS AS STRONG AS YOURS,

SARAH: AND MY KINGDOM IS AS GREAT.

[THUNDER]

SARAH: FOR MY WILL IS AS STRONG AS YOURS.

SARAH: MY KINGDOM IS GREAT.

SARAH: DAMN.

SARAH: OH, I CAN NEVER REMEMBER THAT LINE.

SARAH: "YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME."

 

SoIG, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I googled PTSD and cognitive therapy and sounds a bit like your suggestion. I am not obsessing and dwelling like I was during the initial phases of the break-up, but I think that's just a natural byproduct of the lapse of time. These days, a thought or two usually do pop up in my head almost every day, but the thoughts are fleeting at best. I don't think i'm consciously and actively repressing them.

 

Another suggestion I read about was to imagine an alternate, happy ending to the dream, but alas, I don't think that therapy would quite work with forgetting an affair, would it?

 

Thankfully, these dreams have only occurred a handful of times, and will hopefully stop altogether.

[Grey Cloud]

I think it is all still part of recovery to have triggering dreams etc. You are doing so well in day to day life that it must feel annoying to have unwanted setbacks! But just focus on how far you've come

[imperfectangel]

I remember having a dream that mm's w died except I don't think it was her that actually died just my idea of ever being his wife myself dying he said in my dream that he chose her because she paints things all different shades of colours. It was strange but I think these dreams are just our brains trying to catch up and make sense of what was going on