Too much traffic

[kilombo]

Ten years ago, I met my first love. We had a really nice relationship for two years, but then he left me for someone else. At the time, I was mourning the suicide of a close friend. Of course it was a double blow to lose my friend and my boyfriend all at the same time, but even then I understood that I couldn't ask him to stick around when I was so horribly sad, so I was never angry at him.

 

I should add that he's 10 years older than me and I figured that he should have other priorities than to sit through my teenage crises. Also I suspect that he was taken by surprise at how I fell apart over the loss of my friend, and maybe it put into question my love for him. In fact I loved him with all my heart, even when he still had feelings for a tall, blond, ex his age that I felt I could never compete with.

 

I finished my education soon after and went overseas to work in humanitarian assistance. I did this for a few years, I saw some pretty incredible things as well as sad things. I had a fulfilled emotional life, but my relationships never involved too much commitment given that work always took priority and nobody ever knew where they would be posted next, this suited me.

 

I decided to come home 2 years ago, soonafter I rekindled my relationship with my first love. It was amazing how healthy this was for me. I learned to open myself up with this guy and in some ways I found the happy person I was when I was younger. He was very loving, and I loved him for it.

 

At a point last year, while looking for an apartment, I lived with him for 4 months. The experience was wonderful to start with, but I quickly came to feel claustophobic. I was happy to move out, and the relationship didn't survive.

 

We kept in touch and after awhile we started seeing each other again, we agreed that the relationship would remain open-ended. I was able to be there for him when his father died unexpectedly. Since then he has recovered and he's doing well. He used to be a bit of a slob, but he's changed his behaviour, he also just recently got a very important promotion.

 

Meanwhile I went to a party last month and one of the hosts was a very sweet, very good looking Italian guy my age. To my surprise, he put the moves on me and we ended up making out. I was surprised because I have very rarely shared romantic moments with good looking guys my age. Technically the relationship with my ex was open-ended, but in all honesty it had progressed beyond that, so I put a stop to the kissing and explained that I had responsibilities elsewhere. Given that the Italian was good friends with a colleague from work, to diplomatically follow up on the situation, I met him again for dinner, we got along well but then I didn't hear from him. I figured that he was just looking for a one night stand, and I was releived for it, albeit regretting that we couldn't at least have a good night. I informed my ex of everything, of course he wasn't so pleased but he got over it.

 

Meanwhile, my contract here might run out in mid-July. My ex figures that once I'm done with my work here, we can go to Cuba together for awhile, and then I'm supposed to come back with him and move in. He is very happy and I'm happy that my life seems to be settling into something that is nice. But I'm also feeling pressured that I won't be happy living with my ex, especially given that in all probability I will be unemployed and very dead bored.

 

Then I saw the Italian guy again at a party, and he told me he had tried calling but my answering machine says that their is me and this other guy in the house, and he figured it was my boyfriend. In fact it was my little brother that lives with me at the moment. He was happy at the news. We talked until the next morning. Out of respect for my ex, I did not talk at all about my relationship problems, we just talked out life. It was nice. I told him that I couldn't continue seeing him until I sort out my life. We agreed that he won't wait and even if he's still around, he can't promise me anything in particular, which is normal since we are practically strangers.

 

Now I'm just really confused, and I'm not sure how to deal with my ex. Should I wait because my ex is on a high from his new posh job, should I go to Cuba with him and move in with him and try to make things work? Or am I forcing myself too much, should I move in with my parents until I find another contract at take off overseas again? Is there really something there with the Italian guy? Part of me things that I'm not suitable for a hot young Italian engineer, it could never work, and part of me wonders whether I should just try to stay put in the city and hang out with yuppies of my own age, with whom I don't have sad memories.

[morbidangel666]

Since you have an open relationship with your ex. I would use both of the guys. Why not be happy at the moment. If you see both guys it may help you to make a decision on what you really want to do with your ex.

[kilombo]

Interesting thought, but I think I've concluded that as much as the boyfriend and I have left things open, he'd have been unhappy if I slept with someone else. I think I'm just in a bad headspace right now so I've left both guys. One wants too much commitment, and the other is just looking for fun, and I'm not really up for it.

- bored and lonely, but still honest