Is it a bad sign that he only texts/contacts to make plans but not much small talks?

[adilaurentis]

Maybe she works evening nights like she's a nurse.

 

C'mon, think about it. You were good enough to take home with him but you're not good enough to get his phone number? How do you justify that in your head?

 

Oh yeah it definitely concerns me. I'll gauge his reaction IF we connect or meet up again. So far it's not that he doesn't want to give it to me. Like I said, it bothers me during the week when we are "texting" but when all that communication served its purpose by making date plans happen, I just forget to mention that aspect in person on our dates.

 

I'm HOPING that he's just reserved and traditional in terms of technology like he described on many ocassions and that he values in-person communication more. I'm a very active user on a lot of social media platforms so I'm not so used to someone completely blocking out all that online influence. Not a red flag, just too early to know if that's truly the case yet.

[Jabron1]

We want consistency and attention that is proportionate to the level of involvement.

 

And this can be somewhat tricky for a guy to judge. That's the reason most PUAs suggest that men only text to set-up dates. It's about playing it safe: not coming across as needy, and not making clumsy mistakes.

 

Playing it safe over text has entered the male dating culture almost unlike nothing else. Most guys who have never read a pick up book in their lives have heard of this. It appeals to men's nature, because most men don't want to text anyway.

 

In the short-term, playing it safe is good advice that's easy to follow. But, long-term, guys need to be learning how to communicate over text. Especially guys who are going out with girls aged between 18 and 24 are going to really struggle without it (or had better have model good looks to make up for it).

 

I remember the first time I contacted my ex by phone (she's 22). I thought I'd make a phone call to stand out from the crowd. It went fine, except for at the beginning of the call she thought there was an emergency, and kept asking if I'm okay . That's how some girls treat phone calls in 2015/16.

[adilaurentis]

And this can be somewhat tricky for a guy to judge. That's the reason most PUAs suggest that men only text to set-up dates. It's about playing it safe: not coming across as needy, and not making clumsy mistakes.

 

Playing it safe over text has entered the male dating culture almost unlike nothing else. Most guys who have never read a pick up book in their lives have heard of this. It appeals to men's nature, because most men don't want to text anyway.

 

In the short-term, playing it safe is good advice that's easy to follow. But, long-term, guys need to be learning how to communicate over text. Especially guys who are going out with girls aged between 18 and 24 are going to really struggle without it (or had better have model good looks to make up for it).

 

I remember the first time I contacted my ex by phone (she's 22). I thought I'd make a phone call to stand out from the crowd. It went fine, except for at the beginning of the call she thought there was an emergency, and kept asking if I'm okay . That's how some girls treat phone calls in 2015/16.

 

Funny story. I guess there are just so many ways you can reach out to someone anymore. I'm not 22 but some of my friends use Facebook messenger, Gmail chat, Snapchat, etc. to communicate as well, depending on whom they are talking to of course. What makes it "worse" is that all of these methods have apps on smartphones that you can basically send and receive stuff like regular text messages.

 

I guess I can understand that "playing it safe" mentality by not getting in touch too often. But how do you make sure that you are actually on her mind? What if some other guy is consistently in touch and getting more of her attention? I agree with some of the earlier response by Gaeta and Katiegirl that the connection would feel minimal if I go a whole week or days without talking to the guy I'm dating in some shape or form.

[katie.jackson]

Maybe he really doesn't like texting all the time and stuff. Some guys prefer quality communication to senseless texts. Nevertheless, don't overreact here. People have their differences. Check out this article, you may learn something new: http://blog.nexusdate.com/how-to-build-healthy-relationships/

[bu2002]

Been casually seeing someone for a while and at the beginning he would pretty much keep in touch on a daily basis, not full-on conversations or long chats but sometimes just to check in, which was cool; however, after two or three dates that frequency of communication has been dwindling. There would still be some contact but mostly just to make plans for the weekend.

 

He's been mostly very attentive, affectionate, and caring on our dates so far and we always have a great time together. We talk about everything, laugh a lot, compliment each other, and sometimes mention things we should try together in the future or hint about the next date. He respected me when I wasn't comfortable about going home with him at one point and never pushed me for sex since.

 

The thing is, I've always been told that it's not how he acts ON the dates that really shows whether he's interested in you or not but actually what he does IN BETWEEN dates - someone who's truly interested would keep in touch when you are not around each other because you are on their mind a lot. That's why I got a bit concerned.

 

I do recall that he often says that he's very much "against" modern technology that he doesn't use social media and he values in-person communication much more. He said he'd much rather call someone than keep in touch over Facebook or something. So I wonder if that could be an explanation, too.

 

As a guy, I don't ever feel the need to blow up a girl I'm interested in over text. I think communication patterns get established early on and sometimes a quick check-in phone call at the end of the work day is sufficient for both. You know just a "hey how was your day". Nothing earth shattering will be shared. But initating communication is a two way street. If you feel the need to want to check in with him, then send something his way.

 

There's a girl at work I have a decent crush on. I don't really have an urge to text her in the evenings at all to see what she's up to. Now if she called and asked if i wanted to go with the store with her, I'd probably perk up a bit and suggest a time.

[Gaeta]

And this can be somewhat tricky for a guy to judge. That's the reason most PUAs suggest that men only text to set-up dates. It's about playing it safe: not coming across as needy, and not making clumsy mistakes.

 

If you play it too safe you will lose the girl. Instead of teaching you how to act disinterested they should teach you how to find a healthy middle.

 

Between texting a woman 10 times a day and texting her only once a week there is a happy middle.

 

If you contact a woman every 2 days it will make everyone happy. It will give enough attention to the woman that likes hearing from you and it gives enough space to the woman that doesn't require much attention.

[Jabron1]

I guess I can understand that "playing it safe" mentality by not getting in touch too often. But how do you make sure that you are actually on her mind? What if some other guy is consistently in touch and getting more of her attention?

 

Most PUA stuff is about giving guys the quickest and easiest results. Learning ways to eliminate needy behaviour is a lot easier than learning communication/flirting skills. Learning to be a good texter takes time and a lot of trial and error - I can vouch for that.

 

The theory for suggesting that men only text for date requests is that the other 'competitors' for the girl are all just lowering their value by giving away their attention with constant texts, social media likes, etc. And it's true that can happen. There does have to be a balance.

 

Generally, I think that the 'playing it safe' method should just be used as training wheels. I got bored of sending dry texts, and started to experiment. But then, I multi-date. If a guy's putting all of his eggs in one basket, he'll naturally be more risk averse, and not want to experiment or push things.

[Jabron1]

If you play it too safe you will lose the girl. Instead of teaching you how to act disinterested they should teach you how to find a healthy middle.

 

Depends on the girl. Each situation should be judged on an individual basis. Sometimes disinterest is required. As a man, I have to try and read each woman that I date. I have to figure out her options, how interested she is, how experienced she is, etc - and then I adapt accordingly.

 

One girl that I've just started seeing gets a text convo every couple of days or so. She's high interest, and is always game for some banter over text. She's fairly shy/inexperienced so I'm much lighter with her than I usually would be.

 

Another girl I'm seeing (which is a weird FWB situation), I'll hit up every week or two. Any more than that would be too much. I have no intention of becoming another one of her orbiters. She is far more experienced, and a bit of a user, so I challenge her far more than I do with the high interest / low experience girl.

 

And the final woman I see is in an 'open marriage', so texting her every two days would simply be encroaching on her, and pathetic behaviour on my part.

 

Also, I have never sent good morning, or good night texts as routine in my life.

 

Following rules is a nice idea. It's kind of like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder rituals that make the OCD sufferer feel like the world is safer and more manageable than what it really is. But whether it's some PUA's rules, or whether it's your rules/my rules, they should just be used as training wheels or tools.

 

Your rule is perfect for two people who are highly interested in each other and both ready/willing to settle into comfortable monogamy. There are multiple threads on this forum that will show you that isn't always the case.

[adilaurentis]

Depends on the girl. Each situation should be judged on an individual basis. Sometimes disinterest is required. As a man, I have to try and read each woman that I date. I have to figure out her options, how interested she is, how experienced she is, etc - and then I adapt accordingly.

 

One girl that I've just started seeing gets a text convo every couple of days or so. She's high interest, and is always game for some banter over text. She's fairly shy/inexperienced so I'm much lighter with her than I usually would be.

 

Another girl I'm seeing (which is a weird FWB situation), I'll hit up every week or two. Any more than that would be too much. I have no intention of becoming another one of her orbiters. She is far more experienced, and a bit of a user, so I challenge her far more than I do with the high interest / low experience girl.

 

And the final woman I see is in an 'open marriage', so texting her every two days would simply be encroaching on her, and pathetic behaviour on my part.

 

Also, I have never sent good morning, or good night texts as routine in my life.

 

Following rules is a nice idea. It's kind of like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder rituals that make the OCD sufferer feel like the world is safer and more manageable than what it really is. But whether it's some PUA's rules, or whether it's your rules/my rules, they should just be used as training wheels or tools.

 

Your rule is perfect for two people who are highly interested in each other and both ready/willing to settle into comfortable monogamy. There are multiple threads on this forum that will show you that isn't always the case.

 

So when do you know you want to settle into that comfortable monogamy with one woman, though? Many of us date multiple people at the same time but I feel like there's always one person that I'm interested in more and would like to prioritize and put more effort into. This is also part of the reason that this guy's "no contact" behavior bothers me a bit because it makes me feel like I may just be one of the many people he's dating who's also on a low priority list, or maybe he's playing games with me.

[Jabron1]

So when do you know you want to settle into that comfortable monogamy with one woman, though? Many of us date multiple people at the same time but I feel like there's always one person that I'm interested in more and would like to prioritize and put more effort into. This is also part of the reason that this guy's "no contact" behavior bothers me a bit because it makes me feel like I may just be one of the many people he's dating who's also on a low priority list, or maybe he's playing games with me.

 

As a guy, my only concern is going out, having fun, and hooking up. I leave all of the relationship stuff to the woman.

 

I made the approach; I plan and pay for the dates; and I take responsibility for making sex happen, and making it good.

 

So, I expect the woman to deal with the relationship side of things. I like really feminine women. I suppose I like the contrast.

 

Not all women even want monogamy with me at a certain time anyway. Sometimes I'm not seen as relationship material - I'm seen as a fling or whatever. But, I typically get a chat about 'where is this going?' after a couple of months. At that point, I have to make a decision.

 

If I say no, the woman typically ditches me, or she hangs around awhile longer whilst looking for another prospect.

 

I could string things out, and mess someone around, but I don't see any point in that. If someone wants exclusivity, and I don't, I'm just honest with them. But I never have, nor ever will, sit a woman down for a 'relationship/exclusivity talk'. I just speak with my actions instead.

 

There are lots of factors that have gone into me deciding to settle into LTRs. Timing is a big one. Also her interest in me, how much fun we have together, how much she is willing to compromise, whether she is a good person, etc.

 

Basically, I try to ignore sex when I'm considering a long-term relationship. I expect to have sex without being exclusive. So, by the time the relationship develops, I already know that we are sexually compatible.