An anatomy of the end of an affair – MM perspective

[jenkins95]

Hi all

 

I am an MM a few months into reconciliation after an affair that lasted a little over a year. NC with the AP has been maintained for nearly 100 days and is getting easier. I have started this thread because I was asked this question on another thread yesterday: -

 

so how long did it take for you to get to "genuine NC" after break up? Did the slip ups happen after d-day? Were they just to say hi?

 

I got so carried away with my response that I decided to start a new thread with it and it has been very therapeutic writing all this down! I could just as easily have posted to the Infidelity thread, but the reason I am posting it to the OW/OM thread is because I so often see OWs after an affair wanting to know what is going on in the MMs mind, and I know that not many MMs post here. Having read about hundreds of affairs on here and other forums/sites, I feel that I am a very typical MM and so hopefully my thoughts and reflections here may provide insight to some OWs/OMs as to what may have been going through their own MM/MW's mind.

 

I want this thread to be a kind of analysis of the end of my affair. I am therefore not going to say much about the affair itself or how it started - I will leave that to other threads. I will just say that it is a fairly textbook case of something that started as 'innocent' flirting between two stupid, selfish people, and we both made it very clear at the start that we had no intention of leaving our primary Rs. Over the next several months, the affair then proceeded like a thousand other affairs that we read about on here, to a point where we were addicted to each other and had become convinced that we were 'soul-mates'. Sounds familiar?

 

Typical of many MM in my situation, I was in the affair fog - AP and I had created our own little perfect 'bubble' in which nothing else in the world seemed to matter or was able to penetrate. But away from the bubble, my conscience was starting to increasingly nag away at me - feelings of worry, regret, paranoia, guilt and the realisation of what I was doing had started to overtake the feelings of pleasure that I was getting from the affair. I was a cheater living a classic double life that could only be enabled by lies and then more lies and I couldn't believe that I had allowed it to happen or that I could ever have be like that - it almost felt like a bad dream that I found myself the main player in. I started to raise discussions about this with AP, but we would both get very upset and it was so easy just to slip back into our 'sweet nothings' talk, so I kept avoiding it, putting it off until another time and just trying to ignore my growing fears, trying to convince myself that it would 'sort itself out'! This is head in the clouds mentality and it never works. I was stupid and increasingly, I became unable to block out the negative thoughts and the unwelcome reality of what a duplicitous monster I had become. I started losing sleep, under performing at work and becoming very quiet and distant from friends and family.

 

At first we had been very careful to cover our tracks, but as the fog enclosed us, we became careless. Inevitably, she had a D-day, leading to absolute hell in her R with her BF, who walked away. From that moment on, the affair would never be the same again. We were still addicted to each other, but we couldn't escape into our bubble any more. It was burst and the affair exposed. From then on, our conversations would always be clouded by the spectre of the damage we had done and were still doing. A few weeks after this, we tearfully discussed options ahead of us, and I said that I thought we should go NC because, despite the feelings between us and our addiction to each other, I couldn't leave my family and I wanted her to be free to try to either rescue things with BF or move on. The first attempt at NC didn't even last 24 hours. We were back crying, emotional and needy the very next night, with reassuring words about how we would 'make things right' - unbelievably naive!

 

For the next few months (yes months ) we maintained contact, but it was tough. I would liken it to a heroin addict who rarely gets much pleasure from the drug any more, but is too weak and addicted to give it up. I raised the subject of NC many times, but she hated the idea and got very upset and angry. We tried to 'manage' the situation, scale back, and limit the times we would meet, message, etc. But that never works - I think either you commit to NC or you give yourself to the affair. Managing it or trying to scale it back never works - these things take over body and soul and are not something that you can manage like a work project.

 

By this time, I was in such a mess mentally, I could hardly sleep, I could barely look my family in the eye, I was distant, and constantly bombarded by mental anguish. I knew I had to get out of the affair but felt completely trapped in it and was weak. I should have stepped up my game and ended it decisively and finally for the good of everyone involved. But I couldn't - I feared upsetting the AP, who, like me was a mess and I feared being without her as I depended on her so much. She was my drug.

 

In the state I was in, it was not surprising that I too had a D-day, as I was a complete mess and could barely function in a normal way. Seeing my wife's pain brought me to reality and made me realise what a selfish idiot I had been to ever get into the affair and to let it last so long even after I knew it was toxic and had to end. Weeks of horrible conversations followed with my W. I wanted to recommit to my marriage and she wanted to forgive me, but I was still addicted to the AP, and she very much wanted it to continue. This is around the time I joined LS and got great advice and support at a time when I could barely put one foot in front of the other. My wife was amazing, despite her awful pain. She was so patient with me and tried to understand and give me space to sort things out. I didn’t deserve this, but she felt it was the best way to ultimately save our marriage, and I think she was right. A major thing I learned from LS was that there was nothing special about my A - it was following a well-trodden and predictable path. I also learned that my mind was playing tricks on me (which I now see clearly) - my AP had become perfect in my mind – my soul-mate, the “one” and I had re-written history about my marriage. I was also justifying the affair in very predictable ways, and cherry-picking advice early on. LS helped me see that I had to get out of the affair and I really wanted to, but I didn't want to just throw the OW under a bus because she meant so much to me. I tried to take the next few weeks to slowly and gradually end the affair and convince my AP that it was for the best all round in the long run. I wanted us to be able to realise together that we had to move on and end it, say everything we needed to say, end it and then let each other go, but when you are that addicted and involved, it is so difficult and heart-breaking and she tried very hard to keep it going and change my mind-set.

 

This horrible situation continued - by now, there was very little joy in my conversations with the AP, even though we were still each other's drug. We were both in almost constant tears during our calls, messages and meetings, and our talks were all about the to-ing and fro-ing between the need to stop, but the horror of actually doing it. This crazy limbo lasted for months. I did a stupid thing regarding LS at that time. I was too scared to post here because I had been acting quite strong and committed to NC in my posts, and I was embarrassed for LS members to see how weak I was being and how I was doing everything wrong. I was also very, very vulnerable and couldn't face the prospect of being attacked. This was a stupid mistake - I should have stayed on LS - it's a great support. I really regret that.

 

Anyway, we finally managed to go into NC, it was torture but I was finally able to look at myself in the mirror again. But it broke down after a few weeks - she came back. I really didn't want to resume contact, but I got dragged back in. I felt her pain and couldn't push her away, and anyway I still got that hit from her myself. She said that she no longer wanted me to leave my family (earlier she had), but she did want some kind of LC. I was very uncomfortable with that idea as I had committed to stop the affair and try to recover things with my family. I read that there is no way to reconcile when there is any contact at all with the AP, and I agree completely with that. But again, I was weak and we slipped into a kind of LC. It was awful - in some way we wanted it to be like it used to be, but it could never be the same again after the damage that had been done. I strictly limited the time I spent on calls, messages, etc. and we avoided talking about 'inappropriate' things - like sexual stuff, etc. It was absolutely horrible. Like the affair was itself dying a slow and humiliating death and had become a shadow of what it was.

 

I had a heartbroken wife and OW and was heartbroken and destroyed myself. Every waking minute seemed to be filled with soul-sapping, difficult, heart-breaking, tear-filled conversations - either with the OW, my W or even with myself in my head. There was no escape and I ending up having a nervous breakdown and losing my job - not surprising as I had basically been unproductive for three months, sitting on my own in a corner, disconnected from the colleagues that used to be my friends. I used to be a happy, hard worker and I must have become unrecognisable to my boss and my colleagues.

 

Still the shell of the affair continued - we just couldn't bring ourselves to say the final goodbyes. But we were both like ghosts - completely broken, destroyed people. We would often spend hours saying nothing, just crying. My home life wasn't much different, although we tried to hide the tears and the rows until the children were in bed. I wanted to die - I don't say that lightly - I really did. I could see no way that I could ever be a normal, happy person again or feel peace in my mind.

 

I was now physically shaking all the time, my hair was falling out in clumps and had gone much greyer. I had developed lots of physical symptoms of stress - spots, sores, etc. and didn't care one bit about my appearance. I lost lots of weight (earlier in the A, when the stress had kicked in but wasn't yet so completely overwhelming, I actually gained weight through comfort eating). One time, I saw I an unfortunate looking man when I was in a shopping centre - he looked haggard, ravaged and old - I suddenly realised that it was actually my own reflection in a mirrored glass window. I started crying then and there - I looked like a broken 60 year old man when I'm actually a little over 40. Another very embarrassing incident occurred at my parents' house one Sunday lunch time, when a lot of my extended family were around. I couldn't hold a conversation with anyone. People would try to speak to me and I just fell silent or gave disjointed irrelevant answers to questions - I was getting very strange looks. I remember by mum asking if I was OK and feeling lots of eyes on me and I suddenly burst out crying like a five year old kid. My family looked absolutely dumbfounded. I ran outside and returned later saying that it was because I had lost my job - I'm not sure what they really thought.

 

I felt myself disappearing into the abyss, and I started pleading more desperately with the OW to let me go, but she couldn't do it. I felt like I needed her to see why it had to end - almost like I couldn't just leave without her agreement, and anyway I was still dependent on her so it was difficult to be forceful. While she didn't directly mention suicide, some of what she said I felt hinted at it, so that was another reason why I really didn't just want to walk away. But then something amazing happened. With everything completely broken and at rock bottom, the interactions between me and the OW unexpectedly started to become pleasant and light again - almost like the 'innocent' flirtations right at the start of the affair. It happened naturally and I just went with it for the moment - I had stopped being able to think and reason and she was totally spent too - we had somehow found a new level when there was nowhere else to go. It was comforting and close and I was able to sleep a little better. I woke up one morning planning that in the next conversation with the AP, I would finish it once and for all, and I knew that she would agree and that the conversation would not be unpleasant. But I also felt something else that morning - I felt suddenly free. I felt something was different. I sent her an instant message and I somehow knew that she wouldn't reply. Seconds later, having had no response, I knew immediately that she had let me go and that I wouldn't hear from her again. She had freed me, and herself.

 

This was about 3 - 4 months ago. It's been very, very difficult since then, but my wife has just been unbelievable throughout all this and is well on her way to forgiving me. We are starting to have good days again and I know that she feels that I love her and deeply regret what I have done. While she is disgusted at what I did and the pitiful decision making I employed during the affair, even when I knew I needed to end it, she is beginning to understand the reasons that led up to why I had it in the first place and issues we had in our relationship and we are working on that together now. We both acknowledge that my affair is now a part of us, but we are moving in the right direction and getting past it. I am still very weak, very vulnerable and full of regret, but I am 1000 times better than I was just before the affair finally ended. My hair has grown back, the spots and sores have cleared up and a little colour has returned to my cheeks - I now look a lot closer to my real age again and have started smiling and having normal, light conversations with my colleagues - yes, I got a new job too! I am also back on LS and finding so much support here!

 

I will spend the rest of my life making things up to my family for what I have done and letting them know every day that I love them. As for the AP, she will always be a part of me, I will think of her every day and I wish her nothing but the best. There can never be any contact between us, but I want her to be happy, get past this and learn from it, move on and have a wonderful life.

 

From the same thread that I quoted at the top: -

 

......I have not broken NC in 8 months. Actually, once i got through 2-3 months i knew i would never break it. I mean,i got through the worst of it,so why go back.

 

Firstly, well done imsosad for making it to 8 months. You inspire me and I am looking forward to passing that target myself. Secondly, I totally agree about the 2-3 months thing. I struggled very much with NC at first and was so close to contacting the AP on a number of occasions. The last time I really felt the urge was on the day that Grey Cloud started that thread. I came on here, found her post and was inspired by her determination, but also her vulnerability and fear at starting out on the long, daunting, scary path of NC. It got me past that difficult day and now, like imsosad, I know I won’t break NC and am past the worst.

 

Sorry for posting such a huge thread guys. I hope some of you stayed with it. I am trembling here and feeling very emotional. It has been very healthy to get that out and I genuinely hope it may be of some use to read about the inner thoughts of an MM when thoughts start to turn to the end of the affair.

 

For anyone fortunate not to have had an affair but considering it, please re-read this. I promise you that you don't want to go there. I congratulate you for coming here and seeking advice BEFORE embarking on an affair. I SO wish I had.

 

For anyone who feels completely at rock bottom and without hope, please know that there really is hope. As I said above, I could see no way that I could ever be a normal, happy person again or ever feel peace in my mind. I felt that about 5-6 months ago. Now, I know that I definitely can be that normal, happy person with peace of mind again, and have taken many long strides in that direction. I am already experiencing some good days.

Good luck to all of you and thanks so much for reading!

[veryhappy]

Is your wife reading your posts on LS?

 

 

Please add "triggering" to the post title. Brokenhearted OW can be sent to deep depression when hearing about MM so deeply reconnecting to the wife.

[jenkins95]

Thanks for the comment cutedragon. Hope you are OK.

 

Could I please ask a moderator to add "triggering" to my title? I don't think I can edit it any more....can I? I'm really sorry if this thread upsets anyone. If the moderators feel it is more appropriate in the Infidelity section, then please move it.

 

My wife knows that I use the internet a lot in dealing with my affair and knows that I post to and read from forums. I think she does the same herself. She hasn't specifically asked to see my posts, nor I hers. But I would show her my writings if she wanted to see them.

[Popsicle]

Very good. I think you have a ways to go still though, jenkies. (Scooby Doo reference).

[jenkins95]

Very good. I think you have a ways to go still though, jenkies. (Scooby Doo reference).

 

Popsicle! Great to hear from you. I can always rely on you! and thanks for those book recommendations last week!

 

Yes - a long way to go. We've really just made the first steps.

 

I hear that a marriage takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair. A few months in, that feels about right. It is still very raw.

 

Is the recovery time similar for the OW/OM? I know it is very hard to generalise as we are all different.

 

I love scooby doo by the way! I hope you are having a nice day

[sandylee1]

Wow. What an amazing wife you have.

 

It's good to hear from a MM. What I see here is that no matter what you say. .. when someone wants an affair.. they'll just do it. They'll use every excuse in the book to justify it... even when there's nothing wrong in their marriage ... they'll say it's harmless fun and means nothing.

 

Only when it hits the fan will they see the damage it's caused.

 

You're not the type who's cut out for an affair...because many men continue to function as normal in home and at work. They don't have the guilt you did and continue to compartmentalise.

 

You had a one year affair...... I'm working with a guy who had an affair for 20 years! He was living his double life quite okay....Until he got busted. His wife didn't have a clue.

[jenkins95]

sandy, thanks so much for your comments!

 

 

Wow. What an amazing wife you have.

Yes. I am completely humbled by her.

 

 

It's good to hear from a MM. What I see here is that no matter what you say. .. when someone wants an affair.. they'll just do it. They'll use every excuse in the book to justify it... even when there's nothing wrong in their marriage ... they'll say it's harmless fun and means nothing.

 

Only when it hits the fan will they see the damage it's caused.

 

I agree 100%. When I think back, me and my AP both validated each others concerns and doubts in the beginning. We were both very hesitant at first - but I told her it would be OK, and she told me it would be OK! So that settled it! Honestly, you couldn't make it up!

 

Yes, you live in a kind of suspended reality, but when it hits the fan......wow, it really does hit the fan!

 

You're not the type who's cut out for an affair...because many men continue to function as normal in home and at work. They don't have the guilt you did and continue to compartmentalise.

 

Yes, I so regret hurting so many people, and I actually thought I was dying at one stage. Never, ever again.

 

You had a one year affair...... I'm working with a guy who had an affair for 20 years! He was living his double life quite okay....Until he got busted. His wife didn't have a clue.

 

Jeez, what an incredible story. What happened to the W, MM and OW after d-day?

[sandylee1]

sandy, thanks so much for your comments!

 

Jeez, what an incredible story. What happened to the W, MM and OW after d-day?

 

Remarkably the wife didn't leave. It just amazes me to be honest.

 

They are having MC to try and repair the marriage. He had to get another job because he worked with the Married OW... who actually got married during the 20 year affair..... so her H was being cheated on from the get go. Although they did have some break ups during those 20 years.

 

The affair had been going on almost as long as their marriage. The wife feels the marriage is one big lie.... I agree with that...but I don't say that to him. I don't know how you can claim to love your spouse and cheat for 20 years. He said she feels cheated out of an authentic marriage and he got quite upset when he found out she was looking up a couple of ex BFs on FB.

 

He confronted her... and she said she was just thinking of what might have been had she chosen a different path. In my mind I thought he had some nerve being upset about it after what he did.. but of course I just listened to him.

 

They are NC with the OW... not sure what she's up to.

[jenkins95]

sandy, thanks for sharing that!

 

It is an amazing story, but the thing that truly astounds me the most is this......

 

OW... who actually got married during the 20 year affair..... so her H was being cheated on from the get go.

 

Unbelievable. I wonder how on earth she felt planning her wedding and on her wedding day itself? It must have been almost surreal. I hope MM and his W weren't guests?

 

In my mind I thought he had some nerve being upset about it after what he did.

 

Absolutely. He doesn't really have much of a right to be upset about anything regarding his wife from now on. I hope he's doing everything he can to make things work now.

[inappfriendly]

Wow! Thank you so much, Jenkins, for your insightful and balanced post. Your honest introspection is impressive. It could not have been easy to open yourself up to reliving such an emotionally volatile and vulnerable time for you. Please know that your words have given comfort and understanding to a number of us who still struggle to move forward without the elusive 'closure' to that heart-wrenching chapter in our lives. All the best

[jenkins95]

Wow! Thank you so much, Jenkins, for your insightful and balanced post. Your honest introspection is impressive. It could not have been easy to open yourself up to reliving such an emotionally volatile and vulnerable time for you. Please know that your words have given comfort and understanding to a number of us who still struggle to move forward without the elusive 'closure' to that heart-wrenching chapter in our lives. All the best

 

Oh wow, thanks inappfriendly! That's a lovely response. To be honest, I expected to get flamed! Ten responses in and I'm doing OK so far. I hope it continues But the night is yet young I suppose!

 

One thing I really want to get across is that MMs really do care about their OWs. very few see it just as sex and something to just be dumped when we've had enough. I notice that many OWs are sad in their threads because they feel that MM was able to 'just walk away' and was able to recover much more quickly and forget about the affair. While I agree that men may give that impression in many cases, I want to make it very clear that we hurt a lot too, but we are just not as good as women in showing or dealing with our emotions - we internalise our issues and often just run away when the going gets tough, but the hurt is there. It really is.

 

And if some MMs just do a 180 without properly ending things with their OW - i.e. throwing them under a bus, whilst that is a very cold, cruel, harsh thing to do, I doubt they really WANT to be that cold. Many of them have just got to their wits end, see their lives and their marriages in ruins - and just want it all to go away. Us guys are not good in emotionally difficult situations and we don't often 'think' during the affair - we just enjoy it in the present. We are a bit like big kids in that way, and as sandy points out, when it hits the fan we just don't know what to do. People are shouting at us from all angles, we want it to stop.....so some of us just run.

 

To any OW who had an affair that lasted over a month or so - even if your MM behaved despicably towards you, please have no doubt that you didn't mean anything to him, or that everything he said was lies. You absolutely did mean something in almost every case, and if he said he loved you - he probably did. It's just that when it hit the fan and he had to step up and grow a pair, he just couldn't cope, and a 180 was the easiest option.

 

But it will change him forever, and he will hurt inside - probably as much as you. And he will never forget you, and he will think about you probably much more often than you think he does.

Edited February 29, 2016 by jenkins95

[imperfectangel]

Thank you for taking the time to write this. It is hard readin about a mm reconnecting with their wife but as ow we all know it happens and really if you love someone you should want them to be happy.

 

Jenkins, have you seen ow at all? Do you live near each other? My mm and I are long distance and I have to say it really helps me to know I'm never gonna bump into him in the street I think otherwise I'd be in hibernation or nocturnal!

[jenkins95]

Thanks imperfectangel! I was so pleased this morning to see that today is a better day than yesterday for you. I hope it is continuing!

 

Jenkins, have you seen ow at all? Do you live near each other? My mm and I are long distance and I have to say it really helps me to know I'm never gonna bump into him in the street I think otherwise I'd be in hibernation or nocturnal!

 

Thankfully for both of us, we don't work together or live anywhere near each other, so like with your MM, that makes things a lot easier. I read on here of affairs that occur between next door neighbours, or an MM having an affair with his wife's best friend, etc. Jeez the aftermath of those must be difficult to handle.

[burnt]

Hi Jenkins,

Thank you for your very personal, detailed, and emotional post.

Like many others, as myself, thank you, as it helps to hear from a MM in the first hand, as we all go through hours/days/months and years wondering and questioning what's going on in the mind of the MM.

So Thank you for taking the time to post your thoughts.

 

If you wouldn't mind, if I may post a few thoughts/questions/comments.

 

I will spend the rest of my life making things up to my family for what I have done and letting them know every day that I love them. As for the AP, she will always be a part of me, I will think of her every day and I wish her nothing but the best. There can never be any contact between us, but I want her to be happy, get past this and learn from it, move on and have a wonderful life.

 

The bolded part above REALLY suggests that you are still in the residue of the affair if you believe that you will think of her everyday.

 

The way it works, is the constant intrusive thoughts die down in time--from every waking second, to every hour, to every day, to every other day, to a few times a week, to once in a while between months, to finally:

"wow, just saw something that made me think of that OW from years ago; it's incredible how rarely she crosses my mind now"

 

That is the true reality of a break--any break up.

Over time, things fade.

 

For anyone fortunate not to have had an affair but considering it, please re-read this. I promise you that you don't want to go there. I congratulate you for coming here and seeking advice BEFORE embarking on an affair. I SO wish I had.

 

Sadly, even if you were a member of this LS site, *before* your affair, would you have listened to anyone's warning about the effect of an affair?

I think it's one of those things in life, that the only way discover the effect of an affair is to experience it in first person.

 

Yes, there are many people who make the decision to cheat.

But most of the posts I read here are from people, including you, are people who suddenly "find themselves" in the affair. They didn't fully realize what they got themselves into.

 

I did a stupid thing regarding LS at that time. I was too scared to post here because I had been acting quite strong and committed to NC in my posts, and I was embarrassed for LS members to see how weak I was being and how I was doing everything wrong. I was also very, very vulnerable and couldn't face the prospect of being attacked. This was a stupid mistake - I should have stayed on LS - it's a great support. I really regret that.

 

Would I be incorrect to say, on some subconscious level you actually didn't want anyone from here to ask you to stop? I am asking, because there are times I want to post something, but then I don't because I know I actually don't want to hear people telling me the right thing to do. A part of me wants to keep doing what I'm doing. Mind is a tricky thing.

 

 

I felt myself disappearing into the abyss, and I started pleading more desperately with the OW to let me go, but she couldn't do it. I felt like I needed her to see why it had to end - almost like I couldn't just leave without her agreement, and anyway I was still dependent on her so it was difficult to be forceful.

 

This is so interesting. My xMM did the same thing again and again. Putting me in the position to pull the plug. Indirectly asking me to be one to end it so that he didn't have to.

 

----

 

Now a few questions for you:

 

1. What if you didn't have a D-day? How do you think it all would have played out? If you didn't have to see the pain in your wife's face, what shape or form would the affair take on in the long run?

 

2. Do you think you would have ever found the peace in your mind, if the affair ended but your wife didn't find out? Do you think it would have been better if there was NO D-day?

 

3. Chronologically, it sounds like, after the D-day you still were in contact with OW; how did you wife react to that?

 

4. ** Most importantly, (as I am really curious…) I wonder how you'd start to feel about OW a few years from now.

 

There are couple of xMMs who talk about their former OW--the words are truly cruel in the way they now see the xOW.

 

(Again, thank you for taking the time to start this thread; if some of my words sound critical of you, they aren't meant to be.)

[jenkins95]

burnt, fantastic to get your long, well thought out reply. I really appreciate it, and all the other responses so far.

 

I've got to dash now and possibly won't be back until tomorrow. But I really welcome your questions and am already thinking about my answers.

 

Thanks LS members - it's been great to get all this written out and fantastic to know that many of you will read it and even take the time to reply.....back very soon.

[sandylee1]

Oh wow, thanks inappfriendly! That's a lovely response. To be honest, I expected to get flamed! Ten responses in and I'm doing OK so far. I hope it continues But the night is yet young I suppose!

 

One thing I really want to get across is that MMs really do care about their OWs. very few see it just as sex and something to just be dumped when we've had enough.

 

I'm sure this is the case in many affairs..... infact I've been told by a WH that one of his OWs was the love of his life. Many years after the affair has ended....he told me that when he dies..he has requested that his lawyer contacts her and has left her something in his will.

 

He said this OW taught him there could be true love. They were together for 8 years.. ... and ended it with no dday.

 

They were both married and felt they would be destroying two families if they divorced... although they talked about.

Edited March 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[Doublegold]

Jenkins-thank you for sharing your story in such heartbreakingly, brutally honest detail. I wish you and your spouse much strength during this rebuilding process ahead. I also feel for your XAP, having lost two men who she was at one time in love with, one after the other. Her going NC was brave. Whatever decisions she made prior to that happening she must own. That doesn't mean she isn't suffering.

 

All that being said, you are a unique and caring person to have given the type of support/advice and positivity that you have to the hurting here on LS. Thank you for that, you are remarkable in your empathy.

 

Cheers to better days ahead.

Edited February 29, 2016 by Doublegold

[imperfectangel]

One thing I really want to get across is that MMs really do care about their OWs. very few see it just as sex and something to just be dumped when we've had enough. I notice that many OWs are sad in their threads because they feel that MM was able to 'just walk away' and was able to recover much more quickly and forget about the affair. While I agree that men may give that impression in many cases, I want to make it very clear that we hurt a lot too, but we are just not as good as women in showing or dealing with our emotions - we internalise our issues and often just run away when the going gets tough, but the hurt is there. It really is.

 

And if some MMs just do a 180 without properly ending things with their OW - i.e. throwing them under a bus, whilst that is a very cold, cruel, harsh thing to do, I doubt they really WANT to be that cold. Many of them have just got to their wits end, see their lives and their marriages in ruins - and just want it all to go away. Us guys are not good in emotionally difficult situations and we don't often 'think' during the affair - we just enjoy it in the present. We are a bit like big kids in that way, and as sandy points out, when it hits the fan we just don't know what to do. People are shouting at us from all angles, we want it to stop.....so some of us just run.

 

To any OW who had an affair that lasted over a month or so - even if your MM behaved despicably towards you, please have no doubt that you didn't mean anything to him, or that everything he said was lies. You absolutely did mean something in almost every case, and if he said he loved you - he probably did. It's just that when it hit the fan and he had to step up and grow a pair, he just couldn't cope, and a 180 was the easiest option.

 

But it will change him forever, and he will hurt inside - probably as much as you. And he will never forget you, and he will think about you probably much more often than you think he does.

 

 

I absolutely love this and it actually made me cry. No one wants to think of another human hurting but sometimes you just need to know it meant something. Amazing words I just wish my mm could say it himself!

[anika99]

Oh wow, thanks inappfriendly! That's a lovely response. To be honest, I expected to get flamed! Ten responses in and I'm doing OK so far. I hope it continues But the night is yet young I suppose!

 

One thing I really want to get across is that MMs really do care about their OWs. very few see it just as sex and something to just be dumped when we've had enough. I notice that many OWs are sad in their threads because they feel that MM was able to 'just walk away' and was able to recover much more quickly and forget about the affair. While I agree that men may give that impression in many cases, I want to make it very clear that we hurt a lot too, but we are just not as good as women in showing or dealing with our emotions - we internalise our issues and often just run away when the going gets tough, but the hurt is there. It really is.

 

And if some MMs just do a 180 without properly ending things with their OW - i.e. throwing them under a bus, whilst that is a very cold, cruel, harsh thing to do, I doubt they really WANT to be that cold. Many of them have just got to their wits end, see their lives and their marriages in ruins - and just want it all to go away. Us guys are not good in emotionally difficult situations and we don't often 'think' during the affair - we just enjoy it in the present. We are a bit like big kids in that way, and as sandy points out, when it hits the fan we just don't know what to do. People are shouting at us from all angles, we want it to stop.....so some of us just run.

 

To any OW who had an affair that lasted over a month or so - even if your MM behaved despicably towards you, please have no doubt that you didn't mean anything to him, or that everything he said was lies. You absolutely did mean something in almost every case, and if he said he loved you - he probably did. It's just that when it hit the fan and he had to step up and grow a pair, he just couldn't cope, and a 180 was the easiest option.

 

But it will change him forever, and he will hurt inside - probably as much as you. And he will never forget you, and he will think about you probably much more often than you think he does.

 

OP thanks for posting your long heartfelt story. It was well written and I'm sure you had only good intentions in doing so. Now that being said I just want to make an honest observation and get your take on it. I'm not flaming I just genuinely want your opinion.

 

I noticed that you first posted this thread on the OW/OM board and that most of your words do indeed seem to be geared to offering insight and comfort to all of the OW here and that got me to thinking.

 

Given all of the pain and destruction that your affair caused and the hurt and devastation your wife has been through, and given that you say you love your wife and you want to fully recover and reconcile, do you think it's appropriate and respectful of your wife's feelings to come on this forum to explain and comfort a group of OW? Would you be willing to go to your wife right now and say "honey, I just wanted to let you know that I just spilled my heart soul out to a group of OW on the internet because I felt called upon to let OW everywhere know that all their MM truly loved and cared for them?" After all your wife has been through and all you have asked her to forgive do you think sharing your deepest innermost feelings with many OW is something your wife would support? If not then do you think doing it anyways because your wife doesn't know what you are up to on the internet is okay and taking the right path to reconciliation?

 

Also you cannot speak for all MM just because you have been an MM. You don't know what every MM thinks and feels and I'm not sure it's healthy for you or the OW here to pretend that you do.

Edited February 29, 2016 by anika99

[Cymbeline]

Agree with all the above. It also struck me that a phrase you have used several times in posts about the OW always being 'a part of you' is the kind of cliched, overblown romantic (non)thinking that got you into the affair in the first place. Words are powerful creators of thought and feeling. Be careful how you use them as these examples aren't helpful to the long term aim you claim to have.

[Gloria25]

My "neighbor", the one I posted about a lot here on LS didn't ever "hurt". Even though we didn't have a physical affair and and/or an actual EA (cuz dude could barely have a two minute convo with me without peeing his pants), there was attraction and feelings there.

 

He changed my mind on how I looked at MM who sought out affairs. He made me hate them and realize how selfish the MMs are.

 

Yes, I used to believe some MM are dogs...some may have made a one-time "mistake"...and, some were trapped in a bad marriage. Well, not anymore.

 

I posted on LS the confusion and pain I had thinking "something" was there and not once did he step up and clear the air. I got ridiculed online about "me" being obsessed with him while in real life he darn well knows it was him with the odd behavior. Yet my feelings were never a concern for him...all he cared about was the "fix" he got from attention from me.

 

Oh yes, then he'd post online how I was the worst thing that happened to him. He compared me to a "cancer" that he needed to rid himself of...Yet, he's moved on to friending skanks on social media and is still with his "wife" who all I need to say is "Petunia" to describe her.

 

So sorry, I've learned (my recent experience) that MMs aren't "hurting". They don't care about the OW and/or their wives. They're gonna just do whatever's convenient for them. Oh, and they aren't "trapped" in bad marriages. And they don't get back with wifey cuz it's "the right thing to do". They do whatever works for "them".

[Lady2163]

Definitely an amazing read. I ended this with MM not because I was mad or because he wouldn't leave his wife, but because it just got to the point where I couldn't stand the thought of him losing everything because of having sex with me. And it would have been everything. Wife, house, job, kids, respect, position in community, most of his friends/acquaintances, money he spent a lifetime building.

 

I couldn't do that. I did have one very sweet OW message me from here and tell me I probably did love him, since I was willing to not continue the selfishness. I don't know if I agree with that, but I'm glad I never saw him detirioarate mentally and physically as you did.

 

We are still able to be friends. LC, and we exchange gifts through the mail. We CANNOT see each other as that is just too tempting. It is a definite blessing to be long distance. My toughest times are when bad things happen, I sometimes want to lean on him too much. I recognize that and during my last crisis I waited over a week to call him. I have a lot male friends since I was in the military. My recent conversations with MM aren't that much different than with my military buddies. Okay, maybe less swearing and trash talk.

 

Good luck as you heal. It will get better for you.

[wmacbride]

op,

I have a response to what you wrote, and since your post has now been moved to the general area and you mentioned your wife, I wnated to speak to that. If you feel it is inappropriate, please ask to have it removed as I don't want to hurt anyone else's feelings.

 

 

if you don't mind a few pieces of advice from someone who has been in your wife's shoes, it sounds as if she is walking on eggshells. Of course, she will never ever tell you this ( unless she is pushed too far), but you have shaken her to her very core. You have forever changed her.

 

I'm not saying that to make you feel guilty, but more to question if you are really giving your w the space she needs to fully and freely grieve the loss of her marriage and who she thought you were. Many bs need to go through that process, and for some, it can be hard, especially if there is continues contact between the ws and the ow/om after d-day.

 

Your m will also likely never be the same. it will have lost it's innocence, and that can be a very difficult thing to face. I can't speak for her, but right now, she may very well feel like she can not depend on you, you are no longer the one person in the world she can count on.

 

I know I sound really negative, but in many ways, this can actually be an opportunity. You had the option of leaving your m, and you chose not to do that. Time can be a great healer.

 

Think of it this way. Your A scorched and strafed your m until not much remains, but the foundation can still be as strong as ever. You need to rebuild on that, and it can be even better. Just make sure to give your wife the opportunity to grieve without feeling like she will lose you if she does. When I say "grieve' I don't mean bouts of crying or anger, while those are also important, I'm talking about something fundamentally different. It is about loss. You will know she is doing it when you see a far off look in her eyes like she is lost in thought, when she twists her wedding band on her finger, when you see her leafing through old photos of her "pre-marraige" days ad the days when you were newlyweds.

 

We have many ceremonies surrounding other forms of grief, while for some of the most basic, we have none, This is one of those situations.

 

One thing a married couple I know did after the A was to gather up all the mementos of the A, and many things of the "pre-a" marriage and quietly burn them together. To them, that symbolized the start of something new, and allowed them to both let go of the past. The ashes were then gathered up and spread around the roots of the newly planted tree in their yard. To them, in symbolized how something wonderful can grow from something hurtful to both of them.

[lemondrop21]

OP thanks for posting your long heartfelt story. It was well written and I'm sure you had only good intentions in doing so. Now that being said I just want to make an honest observation and get your take on it. I'm not flaming I just genuinely want your opinion.

 

I noticed that you first posted this thread on the OW/OM board and that most of your words do indeed seem to be geared to offering insight and comfort to all of the OW here and that got me to thinking.

 

Given all of the pain and destruction that your affair caused and the hurt and devastation your wife has been through, and given that you say you love your wife and you want to fully recover and reconcile, do you think it's appropriate and respectful of your wife's feelings to come on this forum to explain and comfort a group of OW? Would you be willing to go to your wife right now and say "honey, I just wanted to let you know that I just spilled my heart soul out to a group of OW on the internet because I felt called upon to let OW everywhere know that all their MM truly loved and cared for them?" After all your wife has been through and all you have asked her to forgive do you think sharing your deepest innermost feelings with many OW is something your wife would support? If not then do you think doing it anyways because your wife doesn't know what you are up to on the internet is okay and taking the right path to reconciliation?

 

Also you cannot speak for all MM just because you have been an MM. You don't know what every MM thinks and feels and I'm not sure it's healthy for you or the OW here to pretend that you do.

 

I can't speak for Jenkins but my guess is that it's partly a therapeutic thing for him given that he is committed to NC. Jenkins is still shy of 100 days into NC which, after a 1 year A, is not really that long although it's certainly impressive. But it must still be hard. The post rehashes the whole affair in a way that seems like it would be therapeutic. Jenkins addresses OW because that's the one he can't talk to and probably feels there are unsaid things there, or things he still ruminates on. If BW had left him, he would probably be writing this post to BW - but BW is reconciling with him so he's able to talk this through with her. Just my thoughts, obviously I will let Jenkins answer as well but I think in general, during recovery, I think it's fine for people to post their thoughts and ramblings directed at OW/M... Better than breaking NC, certainly.

[Lady2163]

I can't speak for Jenkins but my guess is that it's partly a therapeutic thing for him given that he is committed to NC. Jenkins is still shy of 100 days into NC which, after a 1 year A, is not really that long although it's certainly impressive. But it must still be hard. The post rehashes the whole affair in a way that seems like it would be therapeutic. Jenkins addresses OW because that's the one he can't talk to and probably feels there are unsaid things there, or things he still ruminates on. If BW had left him, he would probably be writing this post to BW - but BW is reconciling with him so he's able to talk this through with her. Just my thoughts, obviously I will let Jenkins answer as well but I think in general, during recovery, I think it's fine for people to post their thoughts and ramblings directed at OW/M... Better than breaking NC, certainly.

 

I'm not sure, but I think this also started in the OW/OM forum, so it makes sense why he was that focused on her.