smagee Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 Hello everyone I have a question about a friend and perhaps I am not at all justified or "right" in my thinking so I wanted to put this out there to clear my head. I have had a very good friend for 15 years. 5 years ago I attended her daughter's wedding and we had a great time. I then attended her daughter's baby shower and baby's christening. And then, due to personal problems, I stopped contact with her 2.5 years ago. 2 years ago she sent me a birthday card, followed by a Christmas and Easter card, followed by a very lovely handwritten letter stating that she had moved closer to me for her husband's job along with her new address and a voicemail (not all at once, spread out over the whole year). I did not thank her or reply or call her back or acknowledge christmas or her birthday due to how rough I was having it. As of 1.5 years ago she has not contacted me ONCE. She had no idea and has no idea what I went through and didn't even ask. Admittedly I also don't know what has gone on in her life for better or worse because I also never asked. I am very upset by her behavior as a friend of 15 years. I don't know what to do. I am concerned that if I express my feelings to her, she might not even have the same email address or phone number, or at this point not even want to hear from me. Maybe she has just let me go to find my own way? I just don't know. What do you all think of this? What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 I think you should think about it less from your PoV, and more from hers. She tried, and then tried again, and again, to get in touch. She heard nothing. Not a peep, no acknowledgement, no thanks, no reciprocation. Nothing. So? She left you alone. Because she understood from your total blanking and wall of silence, that you didn't want to communicate. She was kind and thoughtful enough to try to reach out to you. Your total and utter absence of any response was probably like a slap in the face to her. What - you'd been friends for a long time; she and her family shared precious times with you - and you couldn't even bring yourself to send a note, saying "I'm having such a tough time right now...."? She did all she could. Your 'ghosting' her was the only thing she had to go on. It's not her fault at all. "A problem shared is a problem halved". If you couldn't - after this length of friendship - reach out to her and let her know what you were going through, then I have to honestly question your quality of friendship. I'm sorry. This is on you, not her. At all. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 It's entirely reasonable that she stepped back after the lack of response from you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 I agree. I have a few friends whose overtures, for whatever reason, I've not responded to. I don't get hurt or angry if they don't reach out again though, that's on me. Why can't you reach out to your friend and find out what's going on in her life? Then, once you've reconnected, you can tell everything that's been going on in yours. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author smagee Posted February 29, 2016 Author Share Posted February 29, 2016 Thank you everyone. I suppose I am/was also upset that she did not attend a milestone birthday party for me around that time (she did send a birthday card along with an explanation) and yet turned around and invited me to her religious conversion ceremony followed by Easter dinner, to which I did not RSVP and haven't talked to her since. I think that may have been the last time and I find it all rather self centered of her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoulCat Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 Thank you everyone. I suppose I am/was also upset that she did not attend a milestone birthday party for me around that time (she did send a birthday card along with an explanation) and yet turned around and invited me to her religious conversion ceremony followed by Easter dinner, to which I did not RSVP and haven't talked to her since. I think that may have been the last time and I find it all rather self centered of her. Hang on, she send a birthday card AND an explanation for her absence and you couldn't even be bothered to RSVP her event? And you think she is self-centered? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 Thank you everyone. I suppose I am/was also upset that she did not attend a milestone birthday party for me around that time (she did send a birthday card along with an explanation) Which is thoughtful, considerate and correct... and yet turned around and invited me to her religious conversion ceremony followed by Easter dinner, to which I did not RSVP and haven't talked to her since. Well that was rather rude of you - why didn't you RSVP? I think that may have been the last time and I find it all rather self centered of her. Inconsiderate of her?? REALLY?? Are you not getting this? She has always acted with total correctness and propriety. You are the one whose social etiquette is seriously lacking... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 (edited) Thank you everyone. I suppose I am/was also upset that she did not attend a milestone birthday party for me around that time (she did send a birthday card along with an explanation) and yet turned around and invited me to her religious conversion ceremony followed by Easter dinner, to which I did not RSVP and haven't talked to her since. I think that may have been the last time and I find it all rather self centered of her. This is ALL of your making. ALL of it. Edited February 29, 2016 by Satu 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 She is just doing what anyone would do when treated rudely and ignored: She respected your wishes and stayed away after trying to connect with you repeatedly with no response. I assume your problems were such that you're embarrassed about them or you'd have told such a close friend. So you need to own up to whatever kept you from extending even the most basic courtesy and a "Thanks for staying in touch" at least to her since you made zero effort and were inexcusably rude and she made every reasonable effort short of invading your privacy. There's no excuse for not letting a good friend know what's going on. So now you're needing her and resent she doesn't telepathically know that. Listen to yourself. I'm glad you wrote this forum because that little voice of doubt in your head is the only one you should be listening to right now. You owe her a big apology and explanation -- and don't forget that no matter if you had a life-threatening illness, there is no excuse for not having a family member let her know what's going on if you can't. More likely, you were in a bad relationship or something of your own choosing and didn't want to be around someone who might have given you a dose of reality about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 My thoughts parallel Tara's. Also, I'm getting a sense that you were offended when she couldn't attend the milestone bday although she did send a card and explanation to acknowledge the special moment. The next time she invited you to an event, you didn't acknowledge her whatsoever. Still, she sent Christmas cards, Easter cards, and a personal "lovely handwritten note" so that you could reach out if you wanted to. The fact is, you didn't want to. It wouldn't have been a hardship to type out a quick email and tell her you were dealing with some stuff...even if you didn't want to share. That could have easily been handled by telling her you weren't up to discussing it, if that had been the case. Genuine friends put forth effort. You ignored her and her many attempts to connect. She is the one who should be upset. If you want to make things right, you should contact her and apologize for disregarding her many attempts at contact. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 I'm having difficulty understanding your reaction. Your friend initiated contact with you several times and you did not respond. I'm not sure why you were expecting her to keep reaching out to you after that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 Perhaps nlw would be a good time to reach out and apologize for your prolonged absence. An "I miss you" would make the most sense. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 Some people insist on seeing themselves as a victim despite all evidence to the contrary. It's a form of narcissism. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 Hello everyone And then, due to personal problems, I stopped contact with her 2.5 years ago. 2 years ago she sent me a birthday card, followed by a Christmas and Easter card, followed by a very lovely handwritten letter stating that she had moved closer to me for her husband's job along with her new address and a voicemail (not all at once, spread out over the whole year). I did not thank her or reply or call her back or acknowledge christmas or her birthday due to how rough I was having it. As of 1.5 years ago she has not contacted me ONCE. Can you not see that the ball is in your court? I wouldn't contact you either. Your poor DIL. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 Closed pending a notice from the OP to have it reopened. They can do so via the 'Alert Us' button on this post. ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
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