Letting her go to get her back

[jakeskate]

Hello,

 

This is my first thread on this forum. Recently I found out that my wife was having an emotional affair with an old childhood friend. This came at a time when she was staying in her home town for a month due to her father passing away. Anyway, we have gone through all the stages that any couple would after an event like this. She seems to be coming around and told me last week that she is "over the affair" but i know she is still talking to this other guy on the phone. We live together and have 2 small children (3 and 6) I understand the concept of letting her go to get her back but it is difficult to do so when we live together. I dont want to be completely cold and distant but i need some tips or advice on how to "let her go" while living together. She gave me a little glimmer of hope last week when she sent me a meme to my phone saying: "as successful marriage is about falling in love more than once with the same person. That kinda showed me that she is coming around. I made the mistake of getting excited and showing some affection back and now she seems distant again. Please let me know what i can do to get her back by letting her go. Like i said it's difficult to be tactful when we live together and have to share conversations about kids and the future upgrades, plans, and renovations for our home and other everyday stuff.

[d0nnivain]

I don't put much stock in EAs. I certainly wouldn't throw a marriage away over one.

 

In the immediate aftermath of my father's passing I talked to anyone & everyone who would listen & took advantage of any shoulder I could find to cry on. My husband was out of town & due to Hurricane Sandy was physically unable to return to me for several days. One day I broke down sobbing. Dad died. I had no electricity. I was cold. I was at my breaking point. I had gone to our club where they had a generator so I could charge my phone, get a hot meal & be with people instead of alone in the dark. An EX who was close to my dad was there & just hugged me for about 45 minutes & let me cry. Boy did I need that.

 

You would break up our marriage for that. My DH shook the guy's hand & thanked him for being there for me when he couldn't.

 

If your wife is still committed to you, talk to her. Show her that you can give her the emotional support she needs now that her world has been rocked with her dad's passing.

 

If you let go now you will push her away. She already thinks she can't talk to you.

[jakeskate]

I don't put much stock in EAs. I certainly wouldn't throw a marriage away over one.

 

In the immediate aftermath of my father's passing I talked to anyone & everyone who would listen & took advantage of any shoulder I could find to cry on. My husband was out of town & due to Hurricane Sandy was physically unable to return to me for several days. One day I broke down sobbing. Dad died. I had no electricity. I was cold. I was at my breaking point. I had gone to our club where they had a generator so I could charge my phone, get a hot meal & be with people instead of alone in the dark. An EX who was close to my dad was there & just hugged me for about 45 minutes & let me cry. Boy did I need that.

 

You would break up our marriage for that. My DH shook the guy's hand & thanked him for being there for me when he couldn't.

 

If your wife is still committed to you, talk to her. Show her that you can give her the emotional support she needs now that her world has been rocked with her dad's passing.

 

If you let go now you will push her away. She already thinks she can't talk to you.

 

 

 

I might need to present a little more background. I had been there several time over a month to be there for her. I couldn't be there during that time because i had to keep a job and take kids to school and take care our lives outside the death of her father. I can understand her seeking something during that time but she has told me several times she has feelings for this guy and continues to talk to him. She knows she can talk to me about anything and i have been nothing but supportive throughout her loss. She will back up that statement as well. But the confusing part is when i am affectionate, it pushes her away and when i am aloof and distant she comes crawling back and gives me affection. Now that I (we ) are acting like everything is normal she is distant again and i've been told by many sources that i need to "let her go to get her back" I just need some advice on how to act or behave to "let her go" while we share our entire lives together.. An EA in my eyes is still a form of betrayal and when she says she's "over it" she really isn't because she talks to the guy constantly. I've already seen how she wants to show me affection when i have checked out but when i am re-engaged shes unavailable again. Ass backwards if you ask me.

[d0nnivain]

Somebody had to take care of the kids & it was wonderful of you to give her the time in her hometown.

 

I guess the difference is I no longer have romantic feelings for the EX who hugged me. It's more like a brother sister thing.

 

I can see why you would want to ignore your wife, because in past experience that makes her come running. You are right, she is . . . well, I'll say complicated. Perhaps get some MC & see what she wants. Force her to make a choice. If she's not all in, you need to do what's best for your kids.

[jakeskate]

Somebody had to take care of the kids & it was wonderful of you to give her the time in her hometown.

 

I guess the difference is I no longer have romantic feelings for the EX who hugged me. It's more like a brother sister thing.

 

I can see why you would want to ignore your wife, because in past experience that makes her come running. You are right, she is . . . well, I'll say complicated. Perhaps get some MC & see what she wants. Force her to make a choice. If she's not all in, you need to do what's best for your kids.

 

She doesn't know what she wants. and we have been to a marriage counselor. That blew up in my face because she didn't want to go. She has said before she feels trapped and she doesn't want to settle. That when i took the standpoint of "letting her go" but then she says "i'm all yours" and sends that quote about marriage (falling in love with the same person more than once) crap. It's draining and i want to do whats best for my kids. I honestly believe she may be happier if we separated but she would never in a million years take that plunge. It's almost like she would rather be unhappy. I have come to terms with the fact that no matter what i do or how perfect a husband i am i cannot make her happy. I honestly think she has some bi polar or depression disorders. But i cannot address tese things because that just puts her on the defense then she starts blaming me for stuff. Some advice would be nice on how to help her realize she is on her way to losing her biggest advocate and fan. Me! If she is unhappy then i am unhappy and if she cannot become happy for herself then or marriage will never work

[preraph]

I hate to say it, but I do feel you are in a powerless position here and not much you can do about it. Her comment about settling is her having self-doubts about whether she's happy enough, getting enough out of the marriage.

 

Of course, an old flame stirs up some carefree and happy and thrilling memories of a time when we were young and unemcumbered by responsibility. I feel that's what is going on with her. She's remembering a simpler joyful time. She wishes she could have that back. Kind of like a mid-life crisis.

 

Since she feels trapped, you cannot pressure her, as unfair as it must seem to you. Eventually, unless she's been consistently unhappy in your marriage and just has no joy, then she will probably come around once she gets through these emotions and longing for her youth. I think it's more about that than the guy himself. He dredged up her youth for her. Trust me, it wouldn't be anything like what she's wishing for if they actually got together. It would end up just like this, because she has responsibilities now, and they can be crushing at times.

 

So keep your cool and wait it out. She obviously had a sentimental moment to have sent you that quote, so all is not lost. Give her enough room for her to miss you and put things into perspective. And if she does come back, which I bet she does, then sit down and find out what's missing in her life that you could both work on. Does she need a hobby? Does she need childcare three days a week? Does she need a vacation? Does she need more sex, less sex, varied sex? Does she need a regular spa day? Find out what would make her feel better. Then give her what you can, but taking into consideration your own needs realistically, because there's two in this marriage. Good luck.

[Marc878]

Look up the 180.

 

You are getting breadcrumbs. Ignore them.

 

An EA can be deep and as long as there is any contact at all the affair is ongoing.

 

Make no mistake. Cheaters lie, hide and deny. If it's gone PA it'll be even worse to fix.

 

You cannot fix her so concentrate on yourself. The absolute worse thing you can is smother her. You've seen what this gets you already.

 

It takes two to make a marriage. If there is a third involved in any way it's a waste of time. Period.

 

Read up on what you're dealing with.

[Marc878]

This could leave you in limbo for quite some time.

 

The alternative method if you want to get this resolved quickly is do full exposure on the affair and force the decision of you or him.

 

Even quicker file for divorce which starts the clock ticking. You can end it at your discretion if you choose.

 

The longer an affair goes on the harder it is to break.

 

Again if there is any form of connection like phone calls, email, texts, anything other than complete no contact the affair is ongoing.

[Marc878]

Personally I would not engage in a 3 way marriage which is what you have.

 

Being weak, timid at this time will just get you no respect.

 

You can never nice her back.

 

Marriage counseling during an affair is a waste of time and money.

 

You'd be better off doing IC for yourself.

[jakeskate]

This could leave you in limbo for quite some time.

 

The alternative method if you want to get this resolved quickly is do full exposure on the affair and force the decision of you or him.

 

Even quicker file for divorce which starts the clock ticking. You can end it at your discretion if you choose.

 

The longer an affair goes on the harder it is to break.

 

Again if there is any form of connection like phone calls, email, texts, anything other than complete no contact the affair is ongoing.

 

Ok! she says she's over it and another little piece of info:

 

She needs to go back to her hometown the 1st week of april because i have a week long break from work. thats where OM is. I told her my parents will come to town that week and watch the kids so i can go with her. She did not like that at all. She says that i only want to go because i dont trust her. WELL DUH! CAN YOU BLAME ME?! so a few days went by and i decided i am done! I told her she can go by herself because i am done. She says she is over the affair and it was just a pipe dream that nothing will happen. This was last week. She started to come around and send me those messages that i'm getting her back. I looked at our phone records today and saw she talked to this guy for 96 mins on friday. This tells me she is not over it.

 

My question is how do i approach the conversation of knowing that she is still talking to this guy after she says she is over it? I'm pretty much fed up and ready to tell her to get a job and an apartment. She is a stay at home mom with nowhere to go and i cannot afford to pay for her apartment with my income alone.

[Marc878]

Do full exposure to all friends and family. You have nothing to lose here. If you are afraid of losing her don't be because you already have. Your biggest enemy is fear which will make you weak, timid and a doormat.

 

An hour phone call???? Affair in full progress. Send everyone the phone bills. Is she texting him too? If she is try and recover the deleted texts. That will tell you what you need to know. Or plant a Voice Activated Recorder where you think she talks to him. I bet you haven't been getting sex either. That's because she only wants to give it to him. That's how this always works.

 

Make no mistake when she goes there it's a sexual affair. Bank on it. Everything coming out of her mouth right now is a lie.

 

She's feeding you breadcrumbs so she can keep you as her plan B doormat.

 

You don't stand up you'll stay in limbo hell until she dumps you.

[Marc878]

Exposure 101

 

Get your phone bill, other evidence, etc and send it it. Do not tell her anything in advance let her deal with it.

Edited March 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Marc878]

The 180

This will help you detach from her.

Edited March 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Marc878]

If it were me I'd do this short and simple.

 

Get her alone and tell her you know what's up and she has two choices end it now with a No Contact letter of which you will send and she does not go back without you or we go immediately to divorce. Period. If you want to try and save it or just go file and let her figure it out when she gets the paperwork.

 

The biggest thing you need right now. Is a BACKBONE. It's a horrible time for you I get it. It's confusing, hurtfull, etc. but the ones who come out best in these situations are the ones who are strong and willing to take control of their lives.

 

If you can't then you are in for a long hard time ahead being strung along.

 

You'd better get away for a day and think. Plan it out and follow through.

 

Empty threats or gestures will only make a bad situation worse.

[Tayla]

Stop this speculation. Her actions are more in tune with a grieving daughter. And the last thing she needs is a snoping husband. This entire concepts of letting go to get her back fits well with insanity. Step back and gather your wits. First go in April, its what couples do. I question her statements though... and write it off as someone re evaluating life in general. The last thing I wanted in early grief was anyone expecting that I was the same....

 

If you want your old wife back.. it won't happen... no one is ever the same after such a loss. The good of it is.... she will know what is important.... and family may well be the rock for her. give her time.

[Marc878]

Hello,

 

This is my first thread on this forum. Recently I found out that my wife was having an emotional affair with an old childhood friend. This came at a time when she was staying in her home town for a month due to her father passing away. Anyway, we have gone through all the stages that any couple would after an event like this. She seems to be coming around and told me last week that she is "over the affair" but i know she is still talking to this other guy on the phone.

 

Giver her privacy to carry on the affair???? Seriously????

[Marc878]

Stop this speculation. Her actions are more in tune with a grieving daughter. And the last thing she needs is a snoping husband. This entire concepts of letting go to get her back fits well with insanity. Step back and gather your wits. First go in April, its what couples do. I question her statements though... and write it off as someone re evaluating life in general. The last thing I wanted in early grief was anyone expecting that I was the same....

 

If you want your old wife back.. it won't happen... no one is ever the same after such a loss. The good of it is.... she will know what is important.... and family may well be the rock for her. give her time.

 

What grieving daughter has an affair at this time???? She's even admitted to it. As far as she's saying it's over? Well we've all heard that one before.

 

And he's supposed to just set back and do nothing at this time???? It's his family, life and future too. Or am I missing something?

[jakeskate]

One thing that i dont agree with is the fact that she is lying. She's been truthful about everything. she hasn't tried to hide anything at all. and when i ask her about it or want to see where she's at with things she is very open and honest. I'm starting to see that she is not your typical woman. She has always been and continues to be very complicated. more so than other women I've known And i've known a lot! I'm a good looking successful guy and used to be very promiscuous. We do have sex more now than we did prior to her dad passing. It was about once a month because life routine and my work schedule made it tough. Now its 2 or 3 times a week and i honestly would like it to be more. I'm letting her go back to her hometown by herself to i guess test her. She's been honest with me about everything and if something happens between them when she goes and i'm not there, my fears were justified and we will need to separate. I'm letting her walk of the proverbial cliff. If nothing happens then we can move forward but if something does happen then we are through. it will be my deciding factor on what happens next. I'm not too worried about losing her anymore. She told me last night that she is letting things go organically and to give her some time. Thats why this whole situation is not black and white, cut and dry and very unique because she is grieving a dead parent. I appreciate all of the advice given but i dont think anyone can tailor and fool proof plan for my situation. My wife has never been a soft romantic girly type girl and her humor and sexual desires are a little twisted from the norm. She mentioned she has always felt awkward being sexual with anyone even me so it would be almost impossible for her to have any physical desires for anyone. I dont believe that for a second but i know the thing with this guy is only talking to him on the phone at this point. If she wants to take it further then she is aware of the consequences she will face. Separation leading to divorce. She would need to get a job and an apartment and leave my home. I'm not for any reason leaving my home. I am not the one that wanted to seek happiness in a relationship outside of my marriage.

[GorillaTheater]

As a smart man said on another thread on another site:

 

 

As long as you allow her to think she can keep you in place while financing her wayward lifestyle and abusive behavior, she will continue to abuse you and keep you on a string for her own selfishness. She wants to go on a journey of self discovery? Well, help her get started. Throw her sh*t in garbage bags and toss them out on the front porch.

 

I'm not kidding. You need to go straight to her, today, and tell her she needs to pack her sh*t and leave. This woman is emotionally and mentally abusing you.

 

The only thing that foggy, f*cked up waywards like your WW understand is ACTION. The ONLY men I have ever seen who get their cheating wives back are those men who act quickly and decisively, quite literally knocking their partner for a loop by filing for divorce and putting geographic distance between themselves and the WW. She has to understand that you are more than willing to lose the marriage.

 

Go see a lawyer this week and get the paperwork in motion. Separate your finances and cut off your joint credit cards. Expose her to family and friends. Do the 180.

Edited March 1, 2016 by GorillaTheater

[Marc878]

I doubt this has anything to do with her father dying. If she's wants space to try out the other man give it to her. File an have the papers ready.

It sounds like you are in denial of what's happening. Do you really think she would give you the same courtesy?