smagee Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 Hi everyone Recently I was visiting my niece's (and her husband and children) home overnight with my husband. She gave us the spare bedroom to sleep in. The thing is with this niece, she used to have a serious drug problem (and some theft from her immediate family members to support her habit) as a young woman before she got married and had children and is now an active member of recovery groups and has been sober to my knowledge for a long time with no theft activity that I am aware of since that time. So, in the morning I noticed some valuables missing from my purse. I calmly but immediately told her that I knew she stole them in the night while my husband and I were sleeping (my purse was beside my bed all night) and that I would not be upset if she fessed up and gave them back. She became extremely upset and denied it up and down. She stated she was absolutely horrified at me but that she did not hate me and would forgive me but that I was no longer welcome in her home nor would she and her family ever be visiting me at mine. She said this was outrageous and our communication would be limited to cards and letters from here on out. I agreed and my husband and I left. On the way home, I admit fully that I found the valuables in my possession in another suitcase. My niece or anyone else did not steal them. I have not apologized for this reason: On one hand, yes I feel bad that I falsely accused her of theft, but on the other hand she has stolen things from her own mother during the height of her drug addiction. So isn't accusing her the rightful consequence of her own actions? Please let me know what you all think. Thank you so much. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 While her past may have given you reasonable suspicion, once you found your belongings you owed her an apology. Past crimes don't make her guilty of present ones. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 No. Never accuse anyone of anything before you have looked carefully and are certain that you have grounds to accuse. You’re tearing your family apart. You’ve alienated both your daughter-in-law and your niece. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
blackbird_brokenwing Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 No, I don't think accusing her was right. It was a gamble because she's been capable of it in the past, but people can and do change and no one wants their past to be relentlessly held against them. You owe her an apology. It's way better to contact them all now and admit you were wrong and you are sorry for your accusations than to let it go. Please believe me that the animosity and chasm between you and your family will only grow if you don't handle it now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 From what I can see, the only surprise here is that someone who knows you actually invited you to spend the night. You're well on the way to resolving that situation, though. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BlametheIrish Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 All your posts recently make me think you would feel so much better if you talked to a therapist. You seem to have zero empathy for family (especially your poor sons wife) and you seem to create alot of drama in your life which you'd rather blame on others. Based on all your posts I'm concerned you might have an undiagnosed mental illness. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
SoulCat Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 Hi everyone I have not apologized for this reason: On one hand, yes I feel bad that I falsely accused her of theft, but on the other hand she has stolen things from her own mother during the height of her drug addiction. So isn't accusing her the rightful consequence of her own actions? I'm going with the 3rd hand: The reason you haven't offered her a massive, heartfelt and grovelling apology is that you just haven't got the guts to admit you were wrong. Shame on you, lady. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
SSJROMANCE Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 ABSOLUTELY you should apologize. You were in the wrong no ifs ands or buts about it. Here is a woman trying to get her **** together and you tried to bring her back down in the gutter. Whatever she did with her mom has NOTHING to do with this incident. What a horrible and absurd way to think. Not only have you hurt her look at all the other indirect pain you may have caused by your accusations. There is no other correct answer here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LostOnes05 Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 Just apologize...you were wrong. It's a bridge that doesn't need to be burned. You could have made that assumption which is natural, but you need to have some evidence to accuse someone. I don't blame her for being upset about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 ... and is now an active member of recovery groups and has been sober to my knowledge for a long time with no theft activity that I am aware of since that time. On the way home, I admit fully that I found the valuables in my possession in another suitcase. My niece or anyone else did not steal them. I have not apologized for this reason: On one hand, yes I feel bad that I falsely accused her of theft, but on the other hand she has stolen things from her own mother during the height of her drug addiction. So isn't accusing her the rightful consequence of her own actions? According to you, once condemned, always condemned. If everyone held your view, everyone would constantly be at war with each other. It's terrible that you falsely accused her, but it's abhorrent that you have discovered YOU made a mistake and feel JUSTIFIED in not apologizing. Def. a case of holier than thou going on here. How can you honestly feel that accusing her is the rightful consequence due to past transgressions? She did nothing wrong here...YOU did. At least your niece saw the err of her way and actively sought treatment. You don't care that you falsely accused someone. This is unbelievable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
brothers343 Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 The funniest thing about this post is that your asking if you should apologize or not..... thats all I need to know about you and the way that you think. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 ill say first having had drug problems with my kids to a certain degree still do have problems...trusting is hard......honestly if you felt you couldnt trust her you should have maybe stayed at a hotel.....its understandable you would be wary......but not apologising because she had a drug problem...is pretty sad...i have accused my kids from taking things.....and honestly sometimes they have and sometimes they havent.....whether or not they have in the past stolen is not the point.... if i accuse someone of stealing...and i am wrong...i apologise..... its about being wrong on that occasion..... ......when i have been to narc anon and al anon with family and friends as a support person...what i notice is the sadness about what they have done the regret ..they sob with regret most of the time....its a highly emotional state they are in and an emotional place to be, and hard to hear the stories...... ..and all of them seeking redemption and the wanting to change themselves....their lives........and they grow from there.....from a place of wanting forgiveness and knowing what they did was wrong.. you need to apologise to her because what you said ....was wrong....there's no two ways about it...and if she has succeeded in her groups...and efforts..and rehab.......she will know to forgive you and be understanding of your flaws....and distrust......as she too wants forgiveness and a fresh start...so should you..start being a support person...not a hindrance to her fresh start......be grateful if she forgives you...and be someone she can talk too..good luck......as family...you owe her that...deb Link to post Share on other sites
blanford Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 You owe her an apology for falsely accused her. Although she did wrong in the past, she is still capable to change. Make things in her life to be right and deserve a chance to prove that she can change. Whatever mistake she did in the past to her mother is between the two of them to deal and not yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 Yes, apologize. The punishment didn't fit the crime here, because there was NO crime. You can't just go around arresting former car thieves after they've done their sentence, stopped stealing and now work with at-risk youth to discourage them from high-risk behaviour, because you forgot where you parked one afternoon....... In one word: DUH! Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 All your posts recently make me think you would feel so much better if you talked to a therapist. You seem to have zero empathy for family (especially your poor sons wife) and you seem to create alot of drama in your life which you'd rather blame on others. Based on all your posts I'm concerned you might have an undiagnosed mental illness. This. OP, of course you need to apologize. You also need to see a mental health professional. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 OP if you are a real poster then there really is something amiss in the way you perceive people. You seem incapable of really looking at yourself and understanding how hurtful your words and actions are. Of course you need to apologize to your niece and profusely. What you did was awful! You don't ever accuse a loved one of something like stealing unless you are 100% sure and even then you choose your words very carefully. In this case you didn't even go through your belongings to determine that the items were really missing before you went running off your mouth and hurting your niece who had generously and graciously invited you into her home. It's like you don't stop and think. Did you really think that your niece invited you into her home only to slither into your room in the middle of the night and rifle through your purse while you slept? Did that not sound absurd to you? I am having a very difficult time believing you are real. I mean it's like you have no self awareness at all. I'm curious to know what your husband thinks of your behaviour. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenician Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 No matter what you say , you have done a mistake , and you know what you should do . Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 I do not accuse people of things of which I have no first hand knowledge/proof. If I had been the subject of your accusation, family or not, you would be excluded from my life. Whether or not you apologized would be irrelevant... Uncharitable, yes, but in this case it is me... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 Hi everyone Recently I was visiting my niece's (and her husband and children) home overnight with my husband. She gave us the spare bedroom to sleep in. The thing is with this niece, she used to have a serious drug problem (and some theft from her immediate family members to support her habit) as a young woman before she got married and had children and is now an active member of recovery groups and has been sober to my knowledge for a long time with no theft activity that I am aware of since that time. So, in the morning I noticed some valuables missing from my purse. I calmly but immediately told her that I knew she stole them in the night while my husband and I were sleeping (my purse was beside my bed all night) and that I would not be upset if she fessed up and gave them back. She became extremely upset and denied it up and down. She stated she was absolutely horrified at me but that she did not hate me and would forgive me but that I was no longer welcome in her home nor would she and her family ever be visiting me at mine. She said this was outrageous and our communication would be limited to cards and letters from here on out. I agreed and my husband and I left. On the way home, I admit fully that I found the valuables in my possession in another suitcase. My niece or anyone else did not steal them. I have not apologized for this reason: On one hand, yes I feel bad that I falsely accused her of theft, but on the other hand she has stolen things from her own mother during the height of her drug addiction. So isn't accusing her the rightful consequence of her own actions? Please let me know what you all think. Thank you so much. How did you know she stole them? You didn't see her, you assumed. Instead of looking everywhere and in your other suitcases you thought the worst of her, judged her from her past (she is fine now). Yes you do owe her an apology. She is NOT a drug addict anymore, she's worked hard and changed, she has earned trust over time. 2nd bolded no, you are wrong. Maybe if she was still doing drugs, then yes, but she has cleaned herself up. If you love this niece and want to be a part of her life then talk to her and own your mistake by assuming she stole from you, apologize and make it genuine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 Closed pending a notice from the OP to have it reopened. They can do so via the 'Alert Us' button on this post. ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
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